Sunday, June 24, 2012

So tried of crying

In case you haven't noticed I spend a lot of time talking about my feelings. In 6 days we'll be in Virginia for a very special wedding and the timing of the wedding is exactly 2 years from the day we left Southside Virginia. So I am feeling all kinds of emotions. Not too long ago I blogged about the significance this wedding and the special place that the Groom has in my heart so not going over it again. But last night I was sitting at Standpipe and it occurred to me that in 7 days I would be celebrating the wedding in VA. Then you guessed it I started crying. God I hate to cry in public!

DH asked me why I keep crying. A good question and something to think about it. On the way home it occurred to me why I keep crying. I feel guilty. The last time I saw Briana, I hugged her and wished her luck on the final month of her pregnancy and that I couldn't wait to meet Baby J next summer. I didn't know we would never see each other again. I never got to thank her for all of the love and friendship and kindness. I didn't say those things because I felt guilty for leaving and moving back to Texas.

In the months before we moved, Briana and I had talked about why DH and I had decided to moved back. One of the big reasons was we wanted family near by. I remember saying that having Ravebaby had taught us just how alone we were and how you can't count on your friends to drop everything for you like you can family. If you have an emergency you have to hope a friend can help but with family you know you have someone. I remember her saying she was nervous about not having family around. She said that she had been thinking of moving back closer to family too. I remember saying that if I were staying then I knew she would at least have me and I knew that I could always count on her. I said that was the hard part leaving at the time she would need me most. She assured me her mom would be down and everything would be okay. How could we know? How could either of us think that we could give such assurances?

So that's why I keep crying. I cry for the guilt that kept me from thanking her. I cry for the guilt surviving giving birth when she didn't. I cry because I lost my rose colored view of the world when Briana died in childbirth. I learned that very bad things happen to good people.

I try to be grateful for everyday I have. I know nothing is promised and nothing is owed to me. I know that my tears solve nothing. I know that my guilt is a waste of energy and emotion. No matter how much I cry, how much I pray or how guilty I feel Briana is gone. Nothing changes the events of July 28, 2010. I still wake up hopeful and ready to get calls about the arrival of Baby J and instead I get calls of sadness telling Briana didn't make it and Baby J is touch and go. Nothing changes. Life must move forward. Baby J will be two and it will make two years since Briana died. I'm going to stop crying and I'm going to let the guilt go. Nothing can take me back to June 29,2010 and let me say what I need to. Even if I could nothing would change.

June 30th, I'm going to hug the groom and congratulate him and I know Briana is going to be there looking down and enjoying the scene. She would have been so excited for the groom. So life goes on. We grow, we learn, we mourn and we celebrate. Saturday we dance and cry tears of joy. The Groom marries his lady. Everything is as it should be.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Fantasy vs Reality: Brandon Flowers

So Saturday at the Standpipe was an odd day. They had no electricity. That meant no coffee :(. But they still had their musical act; they are awesome!

However that is not the point of this blog so hopping on to the point. Since there was down time I had the chance to sit and have a real conversation with Jailbait. How real? Debatable, I think I was more or less just clearing my mind and he was in the vicinity but like a good barista he listen enough to respond at the right time and I just kept talking. So on to the point, as part of this talk, I mentioned that I would leave DH for Brandon Flowers, lead singer of The Killers. It isn't a secret that for the last 4 years or so I've been singing The Killers' Sam's Town Album. So it only makes sense that the lead singer would earn a special spot in my heart.

Later on I was sitting with DH recounting my semi-conversation. As part of this conversation I starting thinking about the actuality of leaving DH for Brandon Flowers. It wouldn't be easy. In my mind's fantasy, it would be like a movie. I would be at a concert and we would lock eyes and then fade out with 'Bones' playing in the background. You never see the end. The messy reality is always hidden in the credits. So again more or less just thinking out loud, I started talking out the messiness of such a move. Here is my list of issues:

1. Brandon is married and so am I. Number 1 saying in my book: If you can steal him then he can be stolen. There would never be trust.

2. Brandon is Mormon and I am Catholic. Talk about a never ending fight.

3. The kids. I forget how many he has and of course I have Ravebaby. Trying blending that together. I can also image how nasty the custody fight with DH would get.

4. Again Brandon is Mormon and I'm Mexican. As far as I know race mixing is very taboo in the Mormon church. This would cause him to have internal strife ensuring he would treat me like shit but also providing much inspiration for fantastic music. I lose but you would win :)

5. I would have left my DH and that would cause me internal strife. I'm not artist but you would get lots of blog posts! That might up my traffic. People love a good car crash and to hear about the real lives of stars. This could be a win for everyone!

I'm sure the list could go on. I might turn this into a regular blogging feature. Fantasy vs Reality - X star. Could be fun. Anyway, if you made it to the end of this post sorry for bringing a dose of reality to the end of the romantic movie. The grass maybe greener but you never see the water bill; as good friend of mine says. File this under random thoughts. So who would you leave your partner for?

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Running for the fun of it

So I had a major breakthrough on my running journey yesterday, I ran my farthest distance 4.2 miles and it was my fastest non-race pace to date:12:36 /mile. I was so excited. I know I'm not fast but I am finding that I am stronger than I thought. I can set a goal and reach it. I can pick a pace and maintain it.

I am still struggling with balancing my runs with time with my Ravebaby. I know the running helps me distress and in the end that makes me a better mom. I keep trying to remember that being away from my daughter for a hour to exercise does not make me a bad mom. I know that everyone does parenthood differently but I still feel guilty.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Wordless Wednesday: The Factory family

She did it to herself. I just took the picture. 
 In the picture: Uncle Max (front man for Social Bliss), Ravebaby, and DH.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Finishing the last VA project

In 20 days were going to Virginia to be at the wedding of two really good friends. It will be exactly 2 years to the day we left Danville, VA. I've been really looking forward to the trip. I've also been avoiding my thoughts of my friend Briana. Next month will be the two year anniversary of her death in childbirth. I've been thinking a lot about her lately, especially when I run. As I've written before, Briana's death has been very difficult for me to deal with and going back to VA and knowing I won't see her is almost more than I can handle.

The groom is actually a good friend and co-worker of Briana and me. I remember having long conversations with her about trying to find the groom a wife. I know she would have been sitting beside me being that the groom was finally getting married to the perfect woman. I know there will be other coworkers from our old school there for the wedding and I know we're going to be feeling the hole her death left.

I was talking with DH about it today and he said that this wedding the end of our Danville life. It was the last project we had to finish and then we could close that chapter. The groom's wedding has been a long journey in faith for all of us. Faith that God has in the right place at the right time. We never wanted to live in Danville. We moved there with the plan to leave ASAP. 8 years later our Danville adventure was over. I know the only reason the groom met his lady was because I found her. As soon as I met the Lady, I said to myself she's perfect for the Groom! 2 years later I finally got them to meet up and the rest is history.

DH is right; this wedding is the last thing. I have a goddaughter and lots of friends in Southside Virginia but this was my last reason to go back. Ravebaby is from Danville and I'm sure we'll go back again to show her her hometown. This trip feels final. A final goodbye to that chapter of my life. A finally goodbye to Briana. A final goodbye to the girl that I was and a final acceptance of the woman I am.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

The stripper inside

So in the last 12 months I seem to be on a quest to check things off of my bucket list. I've eaten snails, drank expensive scotch, got a henna tattoo, got my nose pierced, and run a 5k race. Suddenly like divine inspiration I found out Lufkin has a gym offering pole dancing classes. Cool right? I was all like I'm totally going to do it and the was like dude no way I'm going to do it. That lead me to why don't I want to do it? What exactly am I afraid of? I've been on a quest to get my sexy back for the last 2 years, why run the opposite direction now? So I signed-up for Attitudes Intro a 90 min classes that covers floor, chair and pole dancing. You know a introduction for beginners, stripping 101 if you will.

Since I'm so private about everything, I posted on Facebook. I know people think I over share but hey that is why you read my blog, the over sharing and pictures of my boobs. But this time the sharing was about accountability. I am chicken. I'm yellow. I run in face of danger. I am in a deeply committed relationship with my comfort zone. So if I post it I have to do it. Do I really want my friend razing me of my chicken-ness?

I had so much fun! Really it was a greats atmosphere. The instructors were nice and easy to get along with. The rest of the ladies in the class were all supportive and we bonded. (My only complaint was that I was by myself; everyone else had a friend with them.) It was also a really good workout. The class was two days ago and my arms are still sore from working the pole :) I had fun. I was timid but by the end I was okay. I was letting go and getting into the groove. I just signed up for a Sultry Chair class tonight. Really I need the workout. I like running but I hate weights and stretching and this makes me do both with really doing either. I highly recommend going to Attitudes and/or checking out class in your area. If I can do it then anyone can.

I'm going to attempt running and the strip classes in a every other day type of rotation. I'll have to see what my budget and my schedule will allow.maybe I can even talk a friend or two into going with me.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Mama failure

I sent an ugly tweet into the public sphere about Jailbait teasing Ravebaby with a cookie. I called him a jackass and I was wrong to do it. But after a bit I started thinking about why it bothered me so much. Ravebaby sees people eating yummy looking wheat filled things all of the time. So why did this bother me?

Honestly just the day before DH and I had a serious discussion about Ravebaby's skin reactions. Seems like this nasal allergy season has made the food allergy go into overdrive. I hate giving Ravebaby medications. I want her on nothing. We had stopped giving her her allergy med over the winter and it seemed she was doing well. We aren't totally wheat free but the amounts of wheat are tiny. Her skin was clear and no itches. Now her elbows and stomach are covered. We give her the maximum amount Zyrtec that she can have. I treat the spots with Angel Baby Bottom Balm from Earth Mama Angel Baby. We keep it pretty controlled with just that. So far we haven't had to use the steroid cream and I'm trying to avoid it. I just don't want to overload her system. But I'm beginning to think it's time to change our approach. Her skin is not getting better.

Ravebaby keeps saying that she is eating bad cookie; my dad loves cookies and he's not wheat free, we call them the bad cookies. DH thinks that she might be telling us the truth. We can't control everything she eats since we are not with her 100% of the time. I know he is right. I know my parents aren't going wheat free anytime soon so the mixed house is here to stay.

Her skin is making me feel like a failure. On top of that is my inability to get Ravebaby to take a nap. She will got up to my mom and say Nap time! She'll settle right down and nap. What is the problem with me? Why can't I get her to sleep? Even bedtime is starting to become a problem. She has always gone to bed late. Typically she has a 10:00 pm bedtime, that is when the routine starts. She will usually fall asleep around 11:30 pm. That is so late! I really struggle to stay up long enough to see her go to sleep. I've tried to start the routine earlier but we just start earlier and go to sleep at 11:30. I'm lost. I'm a failure at being a mom. That is all.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Running a little longer

Yesterday was my first beyond 5k run. I ram 3.5 miles. I know it doesn't seem like a lot, only .4 miles longer but every step counts. I ran it in 46 mins also not fast I was happy with it. After I finished I felt good. I felt like I could have run another half mile or so. I'm working my way to 6+ miles and adding half a mile at a time seems like a good way to get there. I'm not worried about how fast I run just building the endurance. I like working on keeping a steady pace. I keep finding myself starting slowly and speeding up as the final mile approaches. It makes me happy.

I am finding that little voice that tells me to stay on the couch is getting easier to ignore. Every run is a struggle in getting off my ass. Every ounce of my being still fights right up until I finish my run. Lazy Martha is alive and well but Get Off Your Ass Martha is kicking her ass. I am enjoy the time to think, the time to let go, the time to listen. My runs are turning into meditation sessions. I am a much happier person post run.

The one thing that does bother me is the lack of weight loss. I know I've lost 2 dress sizes since my running started back in February but I would still like to see that damn scale go down. My focus is endurance not weight loss. I can be fit at a size 14. I mean no one thinks size 0 super models are the perfection of health so why even worry about it? I feel like I trip myself up. I am hungry all of the time. I have found that without wheat in my life I just always feel hungry. I don't have that bread base to help stuff my belly. There are times that I eat a filling healthy meal and then I'm hungry again in 30 mins. No wonder my weight is steady. I will just be happy building up my endurance and having time with my thoughts.