Sunday, December 23, 2012

Open up or die trying

Last nights year end review had a beautiful image. Someone mentioned hatching. The idea that a new person emerged. After it was said it was the word that we all kept using because it was the best way to describe this year. We all hatched. 2012 was a year of lots of change. Change is hard but if you go with the idea of the egg getting out of egg isn't easy. If you don't try, if you don't break open when it is time then you die. You can't be an egg forever. Hatch or die. Open to the world or never see it.

This year has been full of change for me. I feel like I am learning to listen. I feel like I am learning to ask for help. I feel like I am learning to receive help. I hate to quote OWN but this particular idea really has changed my mindset. I have to be prepared to receive.. I can not just ask for help I have to be ready to receive it. I have to accept it. I can't expect people to come to me be rejected and then keep coming back. I must be open to receive. So I am getting open. I am going to see those chances and accept them.

Of course the other side of the coin is being open to giving. For this is turn to Billy Bob Thornton in Love Actually, "I'll give you anything you ask as long as it is something I am willing to give." So true. I give freely. My money my time what little wisdom I have. What I don't give too freely is my emotional state of mind. I rarely talk about my feelings. In part I do that here and I don't like to rehash things again and again and in part because I find people don't have time. I am the soundboard. I don't use the soundboard. Outside of DH and this blog it is very rare for me to open up about things. A good example would be Brianna. I have written at length about her here and hours and hours with DH but I have barely mentioned her to anyone else. She changed my life and yet I haven't mentioned her outside of my safe circle. So I'm going to get more open. When people give me the chance I will take it. I will open up. Not because it would be a benefit to anyone else but sometimes you should bounce off of another human rather than a blog.

2013 is right around the corner. What will this new year bring? What will I feel, do, say? Will I make the world a better place? Will my band finally settle on a name and play a gig? I can't wait to see.

Friday, December 21, 2012

You ain't funny

So yesterday DH was complaining that he wanted fried chicken. Well not that he want the fried chicken really but the familiness of having chicken and that if we pick up regular fried chicken with sitting and peeling it it would loss the whole point. My response was as follows, "well it's okay, watermelon is out of season anyway." His response, if you weren't my wife I would push you out of this car right now.

Apparently 17 years together, 11 of them married and one kid do not make me black enough to make "those" kinds of jokes. Interracial marriage is fun!

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

TMI Thursday: ghost babies

Just so you know this post will involve talking about my period. If you do not want to know even more about my flow, uterus, and sex life then come back on Friday this post is not for you.

Okay girls and creepy guys, so honestly honestly I think I just had an early miscarriage. This would be my third one. My first was when I first got married then when we first started trying for a baby back 6 years ago. So what the hell am I talking about. I just read a blog post validating early pregnancy and miscarriages. These are pregnancies that a pee test might not get. They are pregnancies that you know but seem to end before you can officially find out. No one but you and maybe your partner know about it. I call it a ghost baby. You can feel him/her but you'll never be able to prove it.

So why do I think I had a ghost baby? Before my period started, I felt different. I was just about to take a pregnancy test actually. Then my period started on time. I was a bit confused. I could have sworn I was pregnant. I was exhausted. My sense of smell was beyond on target. My boobs were swelling. I felt a spirit with me. Since I started on time I thought maybe I was just wrong. My period has been very heavy this time around. Day 3 was hellish, my day 3 is normally pretty chill this is almost over kinda day. I was so bloody for a minute I thought I was hemorrhaging. I actually took a nap I was so tired. Today is day 4. Tradition this is my last day. I was still bleeding pretty heavily this morning. I am tossing clots left and right. (See TMI, aren't you glad I warned you.) it was a ghost baby.

I was talking to DH about it earlier. I don't feel bad. The first ghost baby, I was so mainstream that I barely knew anything had happened. It is only now looking back that I recognize what happened. My second ghost baby really hurt. When we were trying for a baby having that baby taken away just crushed both of us. I think DH is right about this time around, we know God's timing is always right so if it is not time for this baby then the timing is not right. I guess I've grown up a little.

I want another baby. Ravebaby is 3 and I was hoping to have another baby by now. So feeling like I've lost a baby does shake me. What if I can't have any more children? Doubt enters my mind. Maybe I am not worthy? I know when the time is right it will happen. I will trust in The Lord and in my intuition. I was pregnant. I had a miscarriage. We are in uterus reset mode (also know as my period). We will keep trying. My body can do this. He/she will try to come earth side some other time. I have faith.

Monday, December 17, 2012

Happy Birthday Ravebaby!

Today is Ravebaby's 3rd birthday.  I don't know were the time has gone!  Today also marks 36 months a breastfeeding for Ravebaby and me.  She's not ready to stop.  Not sure how much longer I am willing to go but we'll just see.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY RAVEBABY!


Mamavation Monday: The Scale

So I don't own a scale.  I honestly have zero clue how much I currently weight.  I decided to toss the lbs number when my weight didn't change after 4 months of training for a 5k.  How in the world did I not lose a single pound when I went from zero exercise to running or training to run a 5k?  No diet changes for the good or bad.  Just added running every other day per my C25k training plan.
DH would roll his eyes everytime I would mention my lack of weight loss.  To his credit he would point out that he could tell my body was changing.  He could see me getting smaller.  I could see me getting smaller.  Why isn't the scale changing?  Since DH is a physicist, his response was very scientific, it is just the pull of gravity.
Why do I care how gravity pulls on me?  Maybe the Earth is just hugging me close :)  So I have not weighted myself in months.  My best guess is about 210.  Some people might wonder why I am sharing such a large number.  Well I am not ashamed.  It is just a number.  I am still a wonderful wife, mother, & friend.  So if you want to send some cute and sexy big girl clothes my way, size 14, go right ahead.  I am fabulous no matter what I weight!  And I'll let you in on a secret, you are too!

 This post is sponsored Dole and Mamavation – a community dedicated to obesity prevention & weight loss for women and I’m writing this to be entered into a giveaway

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Guilt, tragedy, and birthdays

It feels so silly to have had a birthday party yesterday. Ravebaby will be 3 tomorrow but in light of Friday's events, I honestly felt guilty. Guilty because my daughter will be turning 3 tomorrow. I can celebrate and hug her and kiss her.

I try to live my life so that people know that I acknowledge them as people and that I respect our connection in the circle of life. I want to believe we all matter in each other's lives and Friday there was a huge disturbance in the force. I read another bloggers post about Friday and I think he out it beautifully. I don't want to see those faces, parents, children, victims, because I can't deal with the loss. The world has changed. Lights have gone out. The future is different. It is not just the lights of the children but of the parents.

Just thinking of losing Ravebaby puts such sadness in my heart that I just can image. I feel guilty for wanting to avoid it all. I want to make sure that I am giving my time and energy to Ravebaby and DH. We are all on limited time. The guilt of taking it for granted. The guilt of celebrating that it was not my kid. The guilt of feeling helpless. The guilt of knowing I am far from helpless.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Rest in Peace Bishop Walter Sullivan

Bishop Walter Sullivan was the Bishop Emeritus of the Diocese of Richmond. Honestly I met him a couple of times. I don't think I ever actually talked to him. He really changed my life.

When I arrived at Hollins back in the Fall of 1997, I was a very uptight traditional Mexican Catholic, lots of kneeling, rosaries, rules, and shaming. It was not until I attended my very first Mass at Hollins that I discovered that kneeling wasn't a requirement for Mass. It wasn't until Catholic life in Virginia that I discovered that the Church wanted Young Adults getting involved. It wasn't until Bishop Walter Sullivan that I discovered social justice.

I could go on and on about the impact that his leadership in Richmond affected me. How it made me a better person. How I learned that rules were great but thoughts and words were the true measure of Christian love.

It was not until I heard that Bishop Sullivan had cancer eight days ago, that I really took a moment to think about his impact on me. Yesterday he went back to God. I know I am better because of him. I cannot measure it. I cannot explain it. I just feel it. Actually more important than that I live it. Thank you Bishop Sullivan.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Local Music Tuesday: The Rusty Shacklefords

The Rusties or The Shax as their devoted followers call them are local to Bossier City/Shreveport LA area. The first time I caught them was at their very first show ever at The Factory here in Lufkin. I have blogged about their bassist Medusa before. I love her and she is totally my inspiration for playing bass. The whole band is lovely and a total hoot to hang with. Check them out!

Mamavation Monday: joining a sisterhood

So I have recently heard of a great place called Mamavation. It's a space for moms to help each and motivate each other to become healthier! As you know since last Feburary, I have been on a personal challenge to become healthier. It started with wanting to run a 5k before I turned 33. I met my goal, one week before my 33rd birthday I ran my first 5k. I was only 30 secs or so over my goal time of 36 mins.

This is where I journey starts but to be honest I've been slacking. I am still all wheatfree but I have stopped running. The reasons why I stopped running are two fold. One I stopped because I got sick then I seem to lose motivation to start running again. Then I started again but got refocused on trying to build strength and get rid of the batwings. I was doing great. I went from zero girl push ups to being able to being able to do 5 standard "man" push ups. I was happy and sweating and working out with DH. Then the holidays and sickness struck again.

Today I am getting off my butt and jumping back in. So that is the purpose of this post. I need to be accountable. I need a kick in the ass. I am about to hit the hardest part of the year. I have Ravebaby's birthday next Monday and then Christmas, followed by DH's birthday and our 11 year wedding anniversary and close on the heels New Years. I don't want to make a New Years resolution. I want to make a lifetime commitment. I want to join the Sistahood of Mamavation.

Music Monday: Galaxy Express

Today's music is straight from Korea via The Factory here in Lufkin: GALAXY EXPRESS. Ravebaby and I had the pleasure of seeing Galaxy Express live back in March. This video is a promo/preview of the documentary they filmed on that tour. If you look close enough you'll catch a glimpse of Max from Social Bliss in the video. I have no clue what the song is about but the passion is enough to nearly have me in tears. This video shows the softer side of Galaxy Express. They rock hard and their shows rock even harder! Look them up YouTube. I love Naughty Boy. I can almost sing the whole thing. I have no clue what I am saying but I love the song.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Brown Armor

I am Mexican. I look Mexican. I speak Spanish. I can tell you where in Mexico my parents grew up. I know when people see me they see a Mexican woman. I have brown armor. When you see me you have an image of me, my beliefs, and my experience.

What about people who don't look Mexican? What about people without armor? Until last night I don't think I have really thought about it. My brown skin is protection. People see me and will hold their tongue or rethink their words or purposefully attack. Wen your outside does not match your inside, people think they are among friends and don't realize the enemy in front of them. If you are friend I can be me. If you are foe I must be guarded me.

As advanced as we are we see with our eyes and we judge. Even though Mexicans come in all colors, shades, shapes, sizes, and even races, people see me and think Mexican and see Ravebaby and think Black or maybe Dominican. For better or worse we see and we judge. So my brown armor is protection.

It's funny, not haha funny, that because I am brown it is much easier for people to believe I am the cleaning lady than the boss. People will look at me and tell me to go clean the bathroom and to point them to the librarian. Funny. If I speak Spanish then I must be a wetback and an illegal. If I speak English then I am a traitor. I often describe myself as a Wetback American. People see me and want to see the worst stereotype. Mexicans are nannies not CEOs. Mexicans teach Spanish not History. Mexicans steal the books not run the library. So my brown armor is a curse too.

People cannot easily the soul. I have a friend, actually a few, who have Mexican souls. They don't have brown armor. People are honest with them about their views of Mexican never realizing that they are sharing their truth with the enemy. I am jealous of this superpower. My friends can hide in plain sight. People are honest with them. People struggle to be honest with me. People will tolerate me while thinking that my place is in the kitchen. I am brown so they hide. But they don't hide from my friends. My friends can help move me in the safe circle. My friends can help me change minds. My friends know the truth.

I am rambling. I know I am but my mind is rambling. I don't know how to help someone make their outside reflect their insides. To be honest I have no clue why they would want to. Brown armor is a double edge sword. It helps and it hurts. It is protection but limits mobility. It allows the enemy to hide while forcing me to be in the open. Ramble ramble ramble . . .

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Christmas wish list 2012

So what do I want for Christmas? I could be all "Christian" and ask for world peace. I could be all mushy and ask for my DH and Ravebaby to suddenly become allergy free. However, I'm not doing that; I want stuff!

Okay really as a kid we had plenty of Christmas' without any presents. It sucked but ultimately I learned that Christmas is not about stuff. I will never forget the first day of school after Christmas my 7th grade year. I got 5 gifts! We all took turns telling what we got and after proudly telling the class I heard that's all you got! I learned that public school kids got lots of stuff for Christmas and that I was poor. My days in Catholic school had not readied me for that! So the point is I know stuff does not make for a good Christmas. Remember I spend Ravebaby's first Christmas in the hospital being called irresponsible for having a homebirth and refusing formula. I know Christmas is family being together and being healthy.

Back to the stuff! I want a car. This will make Christmas number 5 with this on the list. One day one day. I would also like a doughnut maker. It's silly but I miss doughnuts and I need to try making gf doughnuts. I think that is it. Gift cards and cash also gladly accepted :)

Zombie Martha says give me stuff!

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Wordless Wednesday: Skulltor

Ravebaby and her new friend Skulltor! (Faces of other folks covered as they have not given permission to be online)

Monday, December 3, 2012

Local music Tuesday: Social Bliss

In an effort to try to promote the local Lufkin scene and to try to get back in the habit of posting daily to the wonderful blog I give you local music Tuesday! Today's pick Social Bliss!
If you have read this blog at all then you know I am friends with the frontman, Max. In fact Ravebaby calls him Uncle Max. We love Social Bliss! So you should to!

Enjoy some Social Bliss YouTube! You should enjoy this video then friend them, watch more videos and catch them live!

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Music Monday: The Killers - Runaways

New feature for this little old blog, Music Mondays! In others words, my chance to share music I like with you. I know you'll find it shocking that I am posting something from The Killers. The first video is the official video and it may or may not play. The second is someone's video featuring Runaways. Love the song! Enjoy!

Theme of the year: get off your ass

So I think the theme for my life general is getting off my ass. After last nights talk with the back alley gang, I think it is the mandate for my up coming year. I've taken a few months to chill and let everyone else work. See I have a horrible habit of just taking things over. I am given a task and then I just do the whole project. Can we say control issues! Anyway, I really have not been doing too much in the way of helping anyone in the back alley. One no one has asked and two some else has been doing it so I was just selfish and sat on my butt. Last night that changed. The call for help and purpose has gone out and I must get up.

Besides just getting up, I know I also need to work on just working on the given task. Right now I along with Rocker wife are in charge of making a Community Calendar. We have zero money and yet a mandate. How will we pull off something beautiful, tasteful and above all useful. I have a vision. Rocker wife also has a vision. Do they match so far so good. On to the task of making it reality. But this in the grand scheme of things is easy. The hard thing for me will be to listen to Rocker wife and create together and then complete the task and wait for my next task. What I don't want to do is step on toes and bully my way to the top and impose my will. I mean I know me, this is my MO. I take one task and then I take over.

How can I change that? How do I keep myself in check? Lucky for me, I seem to have an arch-nemesis for control. A man whom it seems is my DH's brother from another mother and believes that he will bring about the end of the world with sheer will. His own presents and purpose, along with my current "been it, ain't it" attitude, have been enough to keep my hands clean. I haven't jumped in for fear of rocking the boat and then what if I actually have control of something and totally mess it up. I mean things are going well, I can only muck it up right?

The man of sheer will will in fact be holding tight the reins. This I know. I know what I can do, want to do, and where I fall short. This year I learn to jump in and to work instead on controlling. This year, will vs will will all bow to the will of fire and greater collective. My bs won't take over and destroy. I will fake it til I make it and/or get bored/distracted. I will get my hands dirty while not taking the reins. I will learn to be a follower with purpose rather than a leader or a sheep. Guys, wish me luck :)