One of things I'm learning about motherhood is that it can be very isolating. If your friends are living the sex and city life then they don't really have time for talks on birthing/breastfeeding/or baby poop. I don't blame them one bit. But I am also finding that I can find new moms to connect with too. I have about 5 blogs I read faithfully. They are blogs from moms that are just doing the best they can and sharing their experiences along the way. I had also found a wonderful group in Greensboro called Triad Tot Toters that was amazing but now that we living in Texas, I'm back to being by myself again. :(
This weekend I was finally able to go see my bestest friends in the whole world. One has been my BFF since 7th grade, so like almost 20 years! The other has been a BFF since college so only about 10 years. They finally got to meet Audrey and Miss Audrey of course charmed them. It was fun to talk to the girls about their lives, see their new homes, share how my life has changed in the time since I saw them last. We laughted, we cried, we shared and we made promises to see each other real soon. I can't wait to see them again.
I miss having people I can just go out with. I think you can see a theme for me, loniness. I wish the girls lived closer, they are both still about 5 hours away. I take a weekend and go down there but I still wish I could just show up and go and have a fun girls night and then sleep in my own bed. Just plan a last minute nail appointment or something simple like just picking them up and head to the movies.
Does that life even exist for me anymore? Now I have to make sure that someone can watch Audrey. No more just running off. While I miss the girlfriends, I think my trade off for Audrey has been worth it. Maybe I can't just jet off to Paris but to be honest I never did before so why would I now? I think I really need to just get a new cell phone with unlimited text and email so my girls and I can keep in better contact. We have all gotten so busy we can't even find time to talk. But I think the occasional, "You're awesome" text might be kinda nice.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Fever dreams
Audrey was released from the hospital yesterday. We finally saw her pedi after she ran a fever for 3 days straight. Her highest was 104.6 but the pedi's answering service recommended just staying home and giving Tylenol. When we finally saw the doc, she sent us straight to the hospital. It was a bit scary. She was talking about spinal taps and how we should have been to the emergency room.
The doc ordered so many tests and procedures. Honestly it was very difficult to watch them hurt my baby to try to make her better. I know I should be happy that Audrey is better but I really wonder how much was really necessary. As I write I'm listening to her breath and think she might be wheezing a little but I'm too scared of the doctor to really considering going just a for quick follow up. We need a new doctor for Audrey.
We have talked to several people in the area and we get the same thing, well all the doctors around here are the same, they all suck. Surely that can't be true. There has to be one decent doctor in the Lufkin, Tx area! I hope.
The doc ordered so many tests and procedures. Honestly it was very difficult to watch them hurt my baby to try to make her better. I know I should be happy that Audrey is better but I really wonder how much was really necessary. As I write I'm listening to her breath and think she might be wheezing a little but I'm too scared of the doctor to really considering going just a for quick follow up. We need a new doctor for Audrey.
We have talked to several people in the area and we get the same thing, well all the doctors around here are the same, they all suck. Surely that can't be true. There has to be one decent doctor in the Lufkin, Tx area! I hope.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Weaning
Today's topic at La Leche League meeting was weaning. We wrote weaning stories for our children. Some from experience, some of us for the future and others with stars in their eyes and babies in their bellies. They were beautiful and touching. You could hear the pain in the stories. The acceptance of letting their children grown up and ending the breastfeeding relationship.
I dread the idea of weaning Audrey. I love breastfeeding her. The closeness and bond we share. The private mommy and baby time that no one else can ever have with her. I'm hoping we'll make it to 2 year for Audrey. DH and I have talked about trying to have another baby after Audrey turns one, which would mean tandum (sp?) feeding and bfing during pregnancy, two things I had never thought about doing. Feed two babies at one time when they are different ages the thought had never crossed my mind. I had always thought breastfeeding during pregnancy was dangerous. So many things to think about!
For now Audrey and I are dealing with thrush. I hate thrush. I honestly think it hurts worse than childbirth! so we'll continue treating with Grapefruit Seed Extract. It is clearing up just not gone all the way.
I dread the idea of weaning Audrey. I love breastfeeding her. The closeness and bond we share. The private mommy and baby time that no one else can ever have with her. I'm hoping we'll make it to 2 year for Audrey. DH and I have talked about trying to have another baby after Audrey turns one, which would mean tandum (sp?) feeding and bfing during pregnancy, two things I had never thought about doing. Feed two babies at one time when they are different ages the thought had never crossed my mind. I had always thought breastfeeding during pregnancy was dangerous. So many things to think about!
For now Audrey and I are dealing with thrush. I hate thrush. I honestly think it hurts worse than childbirth! so we'll continue treating with Grapefruit Seed Extract. It is clearing up just not gone all the way.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Birth stories vs Baby Stories
Ever since B died a few weeks back I've been thinking alot about something she said to me. We were talking about where to give birth. I was about 8 months and she was maybe 2 months along. I was going the whole home birth route and just in general talking about how I had changed doctors out of the practice she was using because the doc I met with just didn't jive with me and I didn't want to go to the local hospital. It had a high maternal death rate, high c-section rate, and high infant morality rate (not sure offically but I had heard enough around town). B said, "I won't get the birth I want but as long as I get a healthy baby."
Her words haunt me. She got a healthy baby, after Baby J's week in the NICU. But she didn't make it home. I'm sure B would thought the trade off was ok. I'm sure I would have been happy with the trade off too. If I had died by Audrey was a health baby, well then I had done my duty.
I read alot of homebirth forums and blogs. One time a person made the comment on one of the forums, "Women are going to die. Not everyone will survive birth. Whether at home or at the hospital, women are going to die. It is just a part of birth that not all of us will make it." I remember reading that thinking how true, we don't all survive birth. Funny, I read it, I understood it but I still didn't think it would happen to me. My sister-in-law nearly died in childbirth about a 7 months before Audrey was born, I figure that would be a close as anyone I knew would get to dying in childbirth.
I'm second guessing decisions that had nothing to do with me. I wonder if B would still be alive if she had been at home under the care of a midwife? Did the hospital kill her or was it just her time? Women die during childbirth, it is a fact. The hospital pushes c-sections to save babies and moms but sometimes they still die. You can have a natural childbirth and still die. It is just a matter of luck or your time being up. I have to admit I had a level of survivors guilt. I had my baby at home with a midwife. My water had been broken for 60 hours before Audrey was finally born. In some people's minds I deserved to die from complications, I did all the wrong things. B did everything right, she went in for an induction at 41 weeks, just like a good patient. She agreed to the c-section when the doc said the baby was in distress, Baby J needed CPR as soon as she was born and then a week in the NICU so the doc was right. But was the induction the cause of everything? What if they had just let Baby J have one more week? Having a baby at 42 weeks use to be normal now it's late. It's hard to see normal in a hospital. I made the decisions that were right for me. B made the decisions that were right for her. We both met our goal, a healthy baby. But did we get the same outcome?
Her words haunt me. She got a healthy baby, after Baby J's week in the NICU. But she didn't make it home. I'm sure B would thought the trade off was ok. I'm sure I would have been happy with the trade off too. If I had died by Audrey was a health baby, well then I had done my duty.
I read alot of homebirth forums and blogs. One time a person made the comment on one of the forums, "Women are going to die. Not everyone will survive birth. Whether at home or at the hospital, women are going to die. It is just a part of birth that not all of us will make it." I remember reading that thinking how true, we don't all survive birth. Funny, I read it, I understood it but I still didn't think it would happen to me. My sister-in-law nearly died in childbirth about a 7 months before Audrey was born, I figure that would be a close as anyone I knew would get to dying in childbirth.
I'm second guessing decisions that had nothing to do with me. I wonder if B would still be alive if she had been at home under the care of a midwife? Did the hospital kill her or was it just her time? Women die during childbirth, it is a fact. The hospital pushes c-sections to save babies and moms but sometimes they still die. You can have a natural childbirth and still die. It is just a matter of luck or your time being up. I have to admit I had a level of survivors guilt. I had my baby at home with a midwife. My water had been broken for 60 hours before Audrey was finally born. In some people's minds I deserved to die from complications, I did all the wrong things. B did everything right, she went in for an induction at 41 weeks, just like a good patient. She agreed to the c-section when the doc said the baby was in distress, Baby J needed CPR as soon as she was born and then a week in the NICU so the doc was right. But was the induction the cause of everything? What if they had just let Baby J have one more week? Having a baby at 42 weeks use to be normal now it's late. It's hard to see normal in a hospital. I made the decisions that were right for me. B made the decisions that were right for her. We both met our goal, a healthy baby. But did we get the same outcome?
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Wordless Wednesday - Some cuteness
Just a few shots of my cute little Audrey, who as of yesterday has 4 teeth!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Warning there will be boob . . .
I know it's not Wednesday but with DH laid up due to a stress fracture and of course being the mother of a 7-month-old I never got to the computer to post my World Breastfeeding Week pics.
There were taken just before we moved from VA to TX so Miss Audrey was about 6 months old.
You can see just how active Audrey is while she eats now. Kicking, grabbing, sometimes biting. It is an adventure!
There were taken just before we moved from VA to TX so Miss Audrey was about 6 months old.
You can see just how active Audrey is while she eats now. Kicking, grabbing, sometimes biting. It is an adventure!
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
World Breastfeeding Week
Just want to wish everyone a Happy World Breastfeeding Week! Just a week to celebrate breastfeeding and to encourage woman, who can, to breastfeed.
Facebook was a buzz about Giselle Bunchen (I think that's how you spell it) wanted there to be a law requiring all women in the world to breastfeed for at least 6 months. I stopped to think about it. It sounds good. Yes I want all babies to be breastfeed, if not by their own mom's then at least with donor breastmilk. It's the best thing for them and it's nature's food for babies but it doesn't take into account that sometimes things happen. I'm not pro-formula. But I know there are mom who have to use it. Whether it be by choice or circumstance, sometimes a baby will not get to breastfeed. Sometimes it's baby that has an issue which won't allow for breastfeeding.
I think Best for Babes makes a very good point about there being booby traps. Our American world is not set up for breastfeeding success. Many of us moms have to work outside the home and work places are not always ready or willing to help with pumping. Good pumps are expensive and the bad ones which are cheap won't do for a long-term commitment to breastfeeding. It seems that for every doctor that is pro-BF, there are many more that don't understand the basics and get down right negative about BFing. Many of us are just set up to fail. So how can we call for a law when so many have real obstacles in their way.
I love breastfeeding Audrey. It's our special time. Especially now that she's all over that place, I loving having those breaks in her day that are just for us. No else can help. No one else can do it. It's the two of us. I feel for woman who can't/won't/weren't supported or baby couldn't. Even now as I see my daughter growing and eating more food and drinking less BM, I'm alittle sad. I don't want her to wean. I kinda of want to take away all solids and make her my newborn again. I am glad that we have been able to breastfeed for these 7 months and God willing we'll make it until she's 2.
Rather than barring formula, let's work to make breastfeeding the norm again. Rather than making laws, lets live our lives as breastfeeding mothers and show people that we can live like normal people and still breastfeed. Breast isn't best, Breast is normal.
(Please forgive the typos.)
Facebook was a buzz about Giselle Bunchen (I think that's how you spell it) wanted there to be a law requiring all women in the world to breastfeed for at least 6 months. I stopped to think about it. It sounds good. Yes I want all babies to be breastfeed, if not by their own mom's then at least with donor breastmilk. It's the best thing for them and it's nature's food for babies but it doesn't take into account that sometimes things happen. I'm not pro-formula. But I know there are mom who have to use it. Whether it be by choice or circumstance, sometimes a baby will not get to breastfeed. Sometimes it's baby that has an issue which won't allow for breastfeeding.
I think Best for Babes makes a very good point about there being booby traps. Our American world is not set up for breastfeeding success. Many of us moms have to work outside the home and work places are not always ready or willing to help with pumping. Good pumps are expensive and the bad ones which are cheap won't do for a long-term commitment to breastfeeding. It seems that for every doctor that is pro-BF, there are many more that don't understand the basics and get down right negative about BFing. Many of us are just set up to fail. So how can we call for a law when so many have real obstacles in their way.
I love breastfeeding Audrey. It's our special time. Especially now that she's all over that place, I loving having those breaks in her day that are just for us. No else can help. No one else can do it. It's the two of us. I feel for woman who can't/won't/weren't supported or baby couldn't. Even now as I see my daughter growing and eating more food and drinking less BM, I'm alittle sad. I don't want her to wean. I kinda of want to take away all solids and make her my newborn again. I am glad that we have been able to breastfeed for these 7 months and God willing we'll make it until she's 2.
Rather than barring formula, let's work to make breastfeeding the norm again. Rather than making laws, lets live our lives as breastfeeding mothers and show people that we can live like normal people and still breastfeed. Breast isn't best, Breast is normal.
(Please forgive the typos.)
Friday, July 30, 2010
Cloth diapers
Okay, so yesterdays post was sad. I don't want to depress anyone but I had to get it out. It's amazing the healing power of just expressing yourself.
So I'm moving the blog on. Today's topic cloth diapers. I indulged in a little retail therapy yesterday. We've moved to full-time cloth and it's going well but I'm getting a little tired of washing everyday. I'm also worried that it will wear out my diapers faster so I went on to diaperswappers.com and thebabywear.com and searched the forums for some good deals on some fitted diapers and covers. I love Goodmama diapers but they cost about $30 brand-new so shop the forums looking for good deals. I found 2! That will bring my stash up to 12 GMs!!!! I'm excited. I also bought some Mother-Ease Sandy diapers (4) and (3) Clover OS diapers. I've read some pretty good stuff on them and the price was right so we're going to try them. I also snagged some Thirsties covers. I even broke down and bought a few pre-fold (which are the old fashion pin-up diapers). I can't wait for my new stuff to come in! I'll post pics.
So I'm moving the blog on. Today's topic cloth diapers. I indulged in a little retail therapy yesterday. We've moved to full-time cloth and it's going well but I'm getting a little tired of washing everyday. I'm also worried that it will wear out my diapers faster so I went on to diaperswappers.com and thebabywear.com and searched the forums for some good deals on some fitted diapers and covers. I love Goodmama diapers but they cost about $30 brand-new so shop the forums looking for good deals. I found 2! That will bring my stash up to 12 GMs!!!! I'm excited. I also bought some Mother-Ease Sandy diapers (4) and (3) Clover OS diapers. I've read some pretty good stuff on them and the price was right so we're going to try them. I also snagged some Thirsties covers. I even broke down and bought a few pre-fold (which are the old fashion pin-up diapers). I can't wait for my new stuff to come in! I'll post pics.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Grief and birth
I lost a good friend yesterday. She died after having an emergency c-section. The baby ended up in the NICU but is doing well. I'm still feeling a bit numb. I understand that she is gone but I can't concieve a world without her and I'm overcome with saddness for the baby. She'll never know that wonderful woman that gave birth to her.
I know that women die during childbirth. Death is a fact of life. I've looked at the stats but B was not a number she was a friend. The numbers, the odds, the facts don't make me feel any better. In fact I think I'm more scared. I have two friends awaiting babies and now I'm scared they won't make it through.
DH has decided to become a doula. He is convinced it was a cascade of interventions that killed B. I don't think we know enough to say. He has been talking about it since we started our research on birth after we found out we were pregnant and now with B's death he feels that is something he should do to help out women.
I don't know how to take it all in. We just had dinner with B and her husband last month as we were moving. We were talking about raising babies and both of us planning second babies. Now she's gone. We now live so far away we can't do anything to help. I want to help. I want to feel useful. I want to feel something besides sad. Even moving to anger would be good. That I can work with. Saddness is daining and I need my strenght to work and more importantly take care of Audrey.
I know life goes on. I know Baby J will grow up and her daddy will tell her all about her wonderful momma. Maybe I'll still get a chance to see her sometime. But it's not fair. All B wanted to do is watch her daughter grow up and to have more babies and be a good mom. She would have been a fabulous mom. I want an explanation. I want a reason. I want to blame someone.
I know God has a plan but I can't see it. I know things happen for a reason but I don't feel it. I know but I'm not sure I can accept.
I know that women die during childbirth. Death is a fact of life. I've looked at the stats but B was not a number she was a friend. The numbers, the odds, the facts don't make me feel any better. In fact I think I'm more scared. I have two friends awaiting babies and now I'm scared they won't make it through.
DH has decided to become a doula. He is convinced it was a cascade of interventions that killed B. I don't think we know enough to say. He has been talking about it since we started our research on birth after we found out we were pregnant and now with B's death he feels that is something he should do to help out women.
I don't know how to take it all in. We just had dinner with B and her husband last month as we were moving. We were talking about raising babies and both of us planning second babies. Now she's gone. We now live so far away we can't do anything to help. I want to help. I want to feel useful. I want to feel something besides sad. Even moving to anger would be good. That I can work with. Saddness is daining and I need my strenght to work and more importantly take care of Audrey.
I know life goes on. I know Baby J will grow up and her daddy will tell her all about her wonderful momma. Maybe I'll still get a chance to see her sometime. But it's not fair. All B wanted to do is watch her daughter grow up and to have more babies and be a good mom. She would have been a fabulous mom. I want an explanation. I want a reason. I want to blame someone.
I know God has a plan but I can't see it. I know things happen for a reason but I don't feel it. I know but I'm not sure I can accept.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Wordless Wednesday - Time in Texarkana
Just a few pictures from our arrival in Texas, almost a month ago! Finally found that card reader!
Monday, July 26, 2010
The Audrey you can't catch!
So Audrey is now crawling! She's only been at it for about 2 weeks but she is moving fast. I knew there would come a day when she would be moving so fast she would be hard to catch but I didn't think that would be so soon. She is also standing up on her own.
It's exciting to see her grow and learn new skills but so sad at the same time. I want to freeze her in time and keep my little newborn. I'm even taking to swaddling her again! I'm really treasuring the times we sit and breastfeed. I feel like time is flying. I guess all moms have that feeling. You no sooner have the baby and then it's time to plan their wedding.
All this growing and moving has me thinking about having another baby. I know that Audrey will grow up (God willing) no matter what I do. Having another baby won't freeze this one, it just means another baby to grow up. Is it sad that I"m missing that little newborn? DH and I do want more kids but I've always wanted to put about 2 years between them so that Audrey and I can max out our nursing for the full two years and so that she has the chance to be the only one. With only 15 months between me and my brothers I always felt cheated of my #1 status. I didn't like to share. LOL! We'll see about #2. I guess much like Audrey, we'll just leave it in God's hands.
It's exciting to see her grow and learn new skills but so sad at the same time. I want to freeze her in time and keep my little newborn. I'm even taking to swaddling her again! I'm really treasuring the times we sit and breastfeed. I feel like time is flying. I guess all moms have that feeling. You no sooner have the baby and then it's time to plan their wedding.
All this growing and moving has me thinking about having another baby. I know that Audrey will grow up (God willing) no matter what I do. Having another baby won't freeze this one, it just means another baby to grow up. Is it sad that I"m missing that little newborn? DH and I do want more kids but I've always wanted to put about 2 years between them so that Audrey and I can max out our nursing for the full two years and so that she has the chance to be the only one. With only 15 months between me and my brothers I always felt cheated of my #1 status. I didn't like to share. LOL! We'll see about #2. I guess much like Audrey, we'll just leave it in God's hands.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Audrey up the mini-stairs
I happen to be video taping Audrey crawling around the den and manage to catch her crawling up the mini-stairs in the den for the first-time on July 20th. Also today Audrey stood up for the first time. She just push down on a baby chair and she was up on both feet. She did it twice! I can't believe how fast she is growing up. I miss my newborn.
Audrey is crawling
Since we've moved I've been very far behind on blogging. So I'm hoping this video of my Audrey crawling will make up for some of it. I missed announcing that Audrey is now a crawler. According to DH, she started crawling so she could steal the iPad away from her cousin, that was back on Friday the 9th. She's only gotten faster and faster!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Who works harder?
Okay so DH is still a stay at home dad but now that we live with my parents, my mom is also taking care of Audrey. They split the day about half and half so that mom can take over when Ray starts grad school in a month. I'm pulling a 9-6, which is a bit longer of a day than I use to do. I come home and spend the rest of the day with Audrey. I sleep with Audrey and even if I can sneek away she wakes up so I'm with her for the rest of the night.
The other day I asked DH for 10 minutes of baby-free/work-free time. He told me that no mother gets and to get over it. Needless to say that was the start of a fight. I use to feel guilty about leaving him home all day with the baby. He was the main care takers for 6 months. I know that was hard but he has help now, the baby is older and I'm working my ass off, can I please have 10 minutes to myself? After pointing out today that he was getting 10 minutes to himself to do nothing but read for fun and that I too deserve at least that much, he finally took Audrey and I'm spending my 10 minutes writing a blog about the baby. So maybe not so baby-free but I don't think my life will ever be baby-free again. I'm a mom, that's life. I wonder if I'll be able to run off and have a mani-pedi, that would take well over 10 minutes! We'll see. I don't think this fight is over yet . . .
The other day I asked DH for 10 minutes of baby-free/work-free time. He told me that no mother gets and to get over it. Needless to say that was the start of a fight. I use to feel guilty about leaving him home all day with the baby. He was the main care takers for 6 months. I know that was hard but he has help now, the baby is older and I'm working my ass off, can I please have 10 minutes to myself? After pointing out today that he was getting 10 minutes to himself to do nothing but read for fun and that I too deserve at least that much, he finally took Audrey and I'm spending my 10 minutes writing a blog about the baby. So maybe not so baby-free but I don't think my life will ever be baby-free again. I'm a mom, that's life. I wonder if I'll be able to run off and have a mani-pedi, that would take well over 10 minutes! We'll see. I don't think this fight is over yet . . .
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
We have a side-car
I need to post the pics since it is Wenesday but who knows when I'll have time! So we added the crib to our bed as a sidecar. It was a bit tricky to get everything lined up correctly but I think we did a pretty good job. Audrey will sleep in it but she won't stay all night. We have always switched sides in the middle of the night for nursing so the fact that we switch out to the bed in the middle of the night it's a very big deal.
But there is a bit of a problem going on at night. Audrey is waking up more than ever. Right before we moved she was only nursing twice a night and now she's on like 7 times. She'll wake up around 4 and act like it is super normal to be up and is ready to play! Then she'll nurse, roll over, then roll back to nurse, then roll away, you get the picture. We do this for about an hour. Around 5am she decides it is in fact still night time and goes to sleep! It's not that hard to deal with but considering that we got use to sleeping just about all night, this change in schedule is not fun! She's a baby so runs the show but I miss the nights of almost sleeping the whole night thur.
But there is a bit of a problem going on at night. Audrey is waking up more than ever. Right before we moved she was only nursing twice a night and now she's on like 7 times. She'll wake up around 4 and act like it is super normal to be up and is ready to play! Then she'll nurse, roll over, then roll back to nurse, then roll away, you get the picture. We do this for about an hour. Around 5am she decides it is in fact still night time and goes to sleep! It's not that hard to deal with but considering that we got use to sleeping just about all night, this change in schedule is not fun! She's a baby so runs the show but I miss the nights of almost sleeping the whole night thur.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
cloth diaper irony
okay so I've have a cloth diaper issue. Audrey developed a rash after we switched to cloth. As you know, or don't know, part of the reason I switched to cloth was to avoid rashes. Audrey has never had an issue with rashes but after the reports of chemical burns with Pampers, I decided I wasn't going to take any chances. "Isn't it ironic, don't you think? A little too ironic!" Sorry, had a 90's moment.
But yes I do think it is ironic that I switched to cloth and got a rash when I was switching to cloth to avoid rashes. So we got a rash from the detergent we were using. Thanks to the wonderful people at Pinstripes and Polkadots, I was able to figure it out. So I'm including the link to their cloth diaper basics. It was a wonderful resource. I would also suggest joining diaperswappers.com and/or thebabywearer.com for forums about cloth diapering and buying cloth diapers. My entire stash is made up of used CDs. Mostly Goodmamas because they fit Audrey so wonderfully. I was lucky I was able to ask the mama's at Triad Tot Toters for recommendations and they let me try them on Audrey.
So anyways, I didn't do quite enough research before switching. Detergents do matter. You live you learn.
But yes I do think it is ironic that I switched to cloth and got a rash when I was switching to cloth to avoid rashes. So we got a rash from the detergent we were using. Thanks to the wonderful people at Pinstripes and Polkadots, I was able to figure it out. So I'm including the link to their cloth diaper basics. It was a wonderful resource. I would also suggest joining diaperswappers.com and/or thebabywearer.com for forums about cloth diapering and buying cloth diapers. My entire stash is made up of used CDs. Mostly Goodmamas because they fit Audrey so wonderfully. I was lucky I was able to ask the mama's at Triad Tot Toters for recommendations and they let me try them on Audrey.
So anyways, I didn't do quite enough research before switching. Detergents do matter. You live you learn.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Another word-filled Wednesday
We have now moved to Texas. I started my new job yesterday and things are going well. Audrey is loving living with my parents. She gets all the attention and interacting she can handle. In fact she is napping more now since I think she is actually worn out from all of the playtime and talking with my parents.
I am adjusting to the whole thing. First we've gone full-time to cloth diapers so now part of my daily routine is to wash and dry the diapers before I go to bed. Despite the daily washing, I"m loving the cloth diapers. I'm thinking I might go ahead and buy a few more so that I can wash everyother day. Strangely, DH is liking the switch too.
Second big change for me has been the return of my period. After having is gone for 15 months, I'm not happy to see it's return. It also means a return to strict charting since we're trying to put about a 15 month space between Audrey and getting pregnant with another baby. We'll see how it goes.
So far all signs point to the move being a very good thing. I haven't been able to catch up with any of my friends yet but once we're more settled in we'll be taking a trip to San Marco/San Antonio area to visit my besties.
I am adjusting to the whole thing. First we've gone full-time to cloth diapers so now part of my daily routine is to wash and dry the diapers before I go to bed. Despite the daily washing, I"m loving the cloth diapers. I'm thinking I might go ahead and buy a few more so that I can wash everyother day. Strangely, DH is liking the switch too.
Second big change for me has been the return of my period. After having is gone for 15 months, I'm not happy to see it's return. It also means a return to strict charting since we're trying to put about a 15 month space between Audrey and getting pregnant with another baby. We'll see how it goes.
So far all signs point to the move being a very good thing. I haven't been able to catch up with any of my friends yet but once we're more settled in we'll be taking a trip to San Marco/San Antonio area to visit my besties.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
many thoughts, no pictures
Wednesdays are usually wordless but not so today. Not sure if I've blogged about this but today is moving day. After 7 years of living in Virginia, we are moving back to Texas.
It feels bittersweet to leave. I feel like we've finally hit our stride. We have friends, a house, two dogs, a baby but we don't have family here. I don't want Audrey to grow up without her family. I always felt cheated to only see my grandparents twice a year (well my mother's parents, my dad's parents were in town). I want Audrey to have family around. Between both sides of the family she has 8 cousins! She deserves to grow up with them around.
I love my life in Virginia but I'm ready to move on. I never expected to live in Danville for 7 years. I always expected to move to the big city, Roanoke or Greensboro. I guess I always had one foot out the door with Danville. But of course once I decided to leave, God put some incredible people in my life. It's harder to leave than I thought and I'm trying to not feel the feelings or I"m afraid I'll totally breakdown and refuse to leave. I know we've made the right decision but it is hard to go into the unknown.
Lufkin is my hometown but like Thomas Wolf wrote, "You can't go home again." Lufkin is a different place and I'm a different person. I hope we get along. I hope I find some local friends. I have my bestest friends in Texas but they will be about 4 hours away. I hope I find some crunchy mammas to hang with so that I don't feel like a freak. I hope that I can learn to let go and let God take my life in the direction that is right for me. Being a parent means making decisions that are best for someone besides yourself. I know I'm doing the right thing and I'm at peace with it but it's still hard.
It feels bittersweet to leave. I feel like we've finally hit our stride. We have friends, a house, two dogs, a baby but we don't have family here. I don't want Audrey to grow up without her family. I always felt cheated to only see my grandparents twice a year (well my mother's parents, my dad's parents were in town). I want Audrey to have family around. Between both sides of the family she has 8 cousins! She deserves to grow up with them around.
I love my life in Virginia but I'm ready to move on. I never expected to live in Danville for 7 years. I always expected to move to the big city, Roanoke or Greensboro. I guess I always had one foot out the door with Danville. But of course once I decided to leave, God put some incredible people in my life. It's harder to leave than I thought and I'm trying to not feel the feelings or I"m afraid I'll totally breakdown and refuse to leave. I know we've made the right decision but it is hard to go into the unknown.
Lufkin is my hometown but like Thomas Wolf wrote, "You can't go home again." Lufkin is a different place and I'm a different person. I hope we get along. I hope I find some local friends. I have my bestest friends in Texas but they will be about 4 hours away. I hope I find some crunchy mammas to hang with so that I don't feel like a freak. I hope that I can learn to let go and let God take my life in the direction that is right for me. Being a parent means making decisions that are best for someone besides yourself. I know I'm doing the right thing and I'm at peace with it but it's still hard.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
First time solids
So Friday we gave Audrey solids for the first time. We gave her bananas, well a banana. Since we are doing baby-led weaning, I knew that this first time would be more about play than actual eating. I wasn't worried about her filling up on banana or trying to get her to eat half or anything like that. I just cut it up into strips and let her have at it.
Just like we expected she didn't eat very much. She did seem to have lots of fun touching it and smashing it. She was covered in banana! She seemed very hesitant to put it in her mouth, which surprised me. I mean the child had been putting everything in her mouth as soon as possible and now that I wanted her to put it in her mouth she was acting shy! But I had to remind myself that it was about her needs and if touching was as far as she wanted to go that was ok. She did eventually put some of it in her mouth. I don't think banana is her favorite food but we'll see. By the end she was a bit more willing to put it in her mouth. I don't think very much was actually consumed but it was fun. Guess what wordless Wednesday will be!
So we are jumping into solids now. We've let her try carrots. Again not much was eaten but when she spit it out the dogs jumped to the rescue and ate it. So kind of them to clean up after Audrey! I have noticed that she is much more into her booby time. She seems happier and hungrier. She latches right on and gets to work. She is eating less frequently but where she was only eating out of one boob, she is not finishing both off. I guess the world is just a little to interesting to be snacking all day.
Just like we expected she didn't eat very much. She did seem to have lots of fun touching it and smashing it. She was covered in banana! She seemed very hesitant to put it in her mouth, which surprised me. I mean the child had been putting everything in her mouth as soon as possible and now that I wanted her to put it in her mouth she was acting shy! But I had to remind myself that it was about her needs and if touching was as far as she wanted to go that was ok. She did eventually put some of it in her mouth. I don't think banana is her favorite food but we'll see. By the end she was a bit more willing to put it in her mouth. I don't think very much was actually consumed but it was fun. Guess what wordless Wednesday will be!
So we are jumping into solids now. We've let her try carrots. Again not much was eaten but when she spit it out the dogs jumped to the rescue and ate it. So kind of them to clean up after Audrey! I have noticed that she is much more into her booby time. She seems happier and hungrier. She latches right on and gets to work. She is eating less frequently but where she was only eating out of one boob, she is not finishing both off. I guess the world is just a little to interesting to be snacking all day.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Wordless Wednesday - First time in Texas
Audrey as we cross into Texas!
Audrey as we cross into Angelina County!
Babywearing at the Mississippi rest area (this is actually before the previous 2)
Just some pics from the recent trip "home" to Texas.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Baby-led weaning
So Audrey is almost 6-month-old. Only a few days left of EBF (Exclusive Breast Feeding). On the 17th, we plan to introduce solids. I'm not sure how I feel about this new stage of her life. Up until now all 17 lbs of Audrey have come from me. Every little roll, chunky toe, and double chin have come from me.
I'm not sure I'm ready to share her with others. I have taken her meal times as mommy and me time. We talk and I get her all to myself. But I know it's time. To be honest, it's been time. She's shown interest in "real food" at like 5 months but I wanted to hit the 6-months of EBF mark. With all of the food allergies that DH has I wanted to give her the best chance at living allergy-free. I hope the EBF helps.
We are doing baby-led weaning so no baby-food. We will start with some cut up banana. I'll post pictures. I also plan to video. It is a new phase and here we go.
I'm not sure I'm ready to share her with others. I have taken her meal times as mommy and me time. We talk and I get her all to myself. But I know it's time. To be honest, it's been time. She's shown interest in "real food" at like 5 months but I wanted to hit the 6-months of EBF mark. With all of the food allergies that DH has I wanted to give her the best chance at living allergy-free. I hope the EBF helps.
We are doing baby-led weaning so no baby-food. We will start with some cut up banana. I'll post pictures. I also plan to video. It is a new phase and here we go.
Friday, June 4, 2010
EC - 2nd week
Okay so first I owe DH an apology. In my last EC posting I made him sound very unsupportive of the whole EC thing but this week he has actually been trying it! Tuesday, I got Audrey to poop in her new Baby Bjorn potty! Then later that day, DH put her on the potty again and she peed! We are still just occasional ECers but at least we are trying. We aren't pushing her just giving her a chance. If I put her on the potty and nothing happens, it's cool. It's not about training her, it's about learning how to communicate with her. When does she go potty? What are her signs? Not sure just how far we are going to take it. I think the occasional potty trip is plenty here. I think anytime we save a diaper we are doing well.
We are also starting to cloth diaper. Again nothing big just the occasional cloth diaper here and there. I'm beginning to build a stash. I have 6 GoodMamas and 3 TotBots but only one wool skirty :( We are also in the middle of moving and still don't have a washer so we are nowhere ready for full-time cloth. But I'm hoping with a little more stash building that I'll be able to save the disposibles for the rare occasion rather than the everyday. We'll see. Back to packing . . .
We are also starting to cloth diaper. Again nothing big just the occasional cloth diaper here and there. I'm beginning to build a stash. I have 6 GoodMamas and 3 TotBots but only one wool skirty :( We are also in the middle of moving and still don't have a washer so we are nowhere ready for full-time cloth. But I'm hoping with a little more stash building that I'll be able to save the disposibles for the rare occasion rather than the everyday. We'll see. Back to packing . . .
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Even after 5 months I'm still a Breastfeeding Newbie
So the other day I noticed that my afternoon pumping session was yielding a lot less milk, like down almost 2 oz. I freaked out. My baby! She's going to starve! I starting thinking what could be going on! I emailed my Breastfeeding mentor but she's out of town so it could be a bit before I get a reply.
So I kept thinking, what is different? What did I do before that I'm not doing now? I think I've got it. I stopped eating my mid-morning snack! Ever since I was pregnant I had to get in the habit of eating breakfast and a mid-morning snack. I"m usually on of those eat lunch and huge dinner people but that wasn't going to work for Audrey inutero or out in the real world. I have to eat. Maybe all the smaller meals is why I've lost 20 lbs on top of my "baby" weight, but anyways.
Yesterday I made sure to eat a mid-morning snack and guess what, I pumped back at my usual total. I guess it's not just how many calories I eat but also when I eat them. Most mornings I am hungry for breakfast, so that habit is easy but I'm usually not so hungry for a mid-morning snack. That is going to take a little bit of effort on my part but in the end Audrey is worth it and if I get a smaller waistline too that isn't a bad thing. So despite all of my knowledge, I still feel like a breastfeeding newbie. I bet that is why groups like La Leche League exists. Sometimes we need a little help even after the 6-week postpartum check.
Moral of the story: If you need help then ask for it. While breastfeeding is natural, it doesn't always come naturally. Never be afraid to ask for help and to ask questions. No one knows it all and people are always willing to help if they know you need it.
So I kept thinking, what is different? What did I do before that I'm not doing now? I think I've got it. I stopped eating my mid-morning snack! Ever since I was pregnant I had to get in the habit of eating breakfast and a mid-morning snack. I"m usually on of those eat lunch and huge dinner people but that wasn't going to work for Audrey inutero or out in the real world. I have to eat. Maybe all the smaller meals is why I've lost 20 lbs on top of my "baby" weight, but anyways.
Yesterday I made sure to eat a mid-morning snack and guess what, I pumped back at my usual total. I guess it's not just how many calories I eat but also when I eat them. Most mornings I am hungry for breakfast, so that habit is easy but I'm usually not so hungry for a mid-morning snack. That is going to take a little bit of effort on my part but in the end Audrey is worth it and if I get a smaller waistline too that isn't a bad thing. So despite all of my knowledge, I still feel like a breastfeeding newbie. I bet that is why groups like La Leche League exists. Sometimes we need a little help even after the 6-week postpartum check.
Moral of the story: If you need help then ask for it. While breastfeeding is natural, it doesn't always come naturally. Never be afraid to ask for help and to ask questions. No one knows it all and people are always willing to help if they know you need it.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Wordless Wednesday - EC Action
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Babies, Boobies, Mei Tais, Ring Slings and Wraps - OH MY!
So on Saturday, I had the privilege of attending the first meeting of the Triad Tot Toters. I had a blast. This was actually the third meeting for the group but the first as an official group. So what is TTT? It's a group of people, men and women, that wear their babies. It is nice to meet up with a group of people who share my philosophy of baby raising. Not everyone in the group believes in raising their children the same but we all agree that babywearing is where it's at!
One of the nice things about the group is that you can find someone that shares your issues, concerns, and or beliefs. Many of us breastfeed and luckily being in a group makes me brave enough to just pull my boob out and feed Audrey in public. Some cloth diaper and since I'm interested in moving to cloth, it gives me the chance to ask questions. A couple EC so again I pick some brains. One of the ladies even used the same midwife as me! I love the Triad Tot Toters. They give me support in all facets of child rearing not just babywearing.
I hate that now that I have 'mommy' friends I'm going to be moving. Where will I ever find a group like this again. I've already looked. There is no such group in Lufkin. The closest is a group in Houston, but I'm not sure I want to drive over 90 mins. We'll see how it goes. I know that I will miss them when I move. I'll be able to keep up with them via Facebook and the webpage but I won't be able to see them in person and watch the babies grow.
One of the nice things about the group is that you can find someone that shares your issues, concerns, and or beliefs. Many of us breastfeed and luckily being in a group makes me brave enough to just pull my boob out and feed Audrey in public. Some cloth diaper and since I'm interested in moving to cloth, it gives me the chance to ask questions. A couple EC so again I pick some brains. One of the ladies even used the same midwife as me! I love the Triad Tot Toters. They give me support in all facets of child rearing not just babywearing.
I hate that now that I have 'mommy' friends I'm going to be moving. Where will I ever find a group like this again. I've already looked. There is no such group in Lufkin. The closest is a group in Houston, but I'm not sure I want to drive over 90 mins. We'll see how it goes. I know that I will miss them when I move. I'll be able to keep up with them via Facebook and the webpage but I won't be able to see them in person and watch the babies grow.
Friday, May 28, 2010
EC
Okay I admit it, the first time I ever heard about a 2-day-old baby using a potty instead of a diaper, I thought it was a load of crap (pardon the pun). I had never heard of such a thing and had never known anyone who did elimination communication or was diaper-free. I was intrigued so I looked it up and thought well I work so I'll never have time for that. Once we decided for DH to become a SAHD, I knew he would never go for it. Who potty trains a child that can't even walk?
Okay then I met 'T' at a babywearers meeting and she kinda explained it to me. I also looked it up on TheBabyWearer.com and found some good advice. I think the number one thing I found out is that it is not all or nothing. I can part-time EC. I can use a diaper as a safeguard and just take it off when I think Audrey needs to go to the bathroom. In other words, you can EC as much as you can fit in.
So that bit of info made me brave. I can do this. Audrey is smart. I'm smart. Peeing is natural and keeping your pee on you is not. Besides I hate using disposable diapers and again DH is not going for cloth. One day I just decided to see what Audrey would do. I took her diaper off and I put her on the potty. I thought she needed to go but nothing. So I went back to the changing table about to put on a diaper and feeling a little defeated and then I got a bright idea to hold her over the trashcan. After all she has seen us put dirty diapers in the trashcan all of her life, maybe she thinks we peed in the trashcan. So I held her over the trashcan and started saying 'PSSSSSSS' and she peed! My first successful attempt to ED, not in the toilet but I got the trashcan. I was able to have her do it once more and then last night was a break thur, she peed on the potty! We sat there for a few minutes so she could get more comfortable and I was making my "PSSSS" sound and she peed. I gave her lots of praise and kisses and announced it on Facebook, like a good mommy.
So I'm working on switching to cloth diapers for nighttime, DH is not convinced, and ECing when I'm with her, DH is not going to try. I've been told Baby Bjorn makes a great baby potty and for only $20 or so from Amazon, I think it's worth the money. Besides we'll need it once we do "potty train." So that's my adventure into EC for now.
Okay then I met 'T' at a babywearers meeting and she kinda explained it to me. I also looked it up on TheBabyWearer.com and found some good advice. I think the number one thing I found out is that it is not all or nothing. I can part-time EC. I can use a diaper as a safeguard and just take it off when I think Audrey needs to go to the bathroom. In other words, you can EC as much as you can fit in.
So that bit of info made me brave. I can do this. Audrey is smart. I'm smart. Peeing is natural and keeping your pee on you is not. Besides I hate using disposable diapers and again DH is not going for cloth. One day I just decided to see what Audrey would do. I took her diaper off and I put her on the potty. I thought she needed to go but nothing. So I went back to the changing table about to put on a diaper and feeling a little defeated and then I got a bright idea to hold her over the trashcan. After all she has seen us put dirty diapers in the trashcan all of her life, maybe she thinks we peed in the trashcan. So I held her over the trashcan and started saying 'PSSSSSSS' and she peed! My first successful attempt to ED, not in the toilet but I got the trashcan. I was able to have her do it once more and then last night was a break thur, she peed on the potty! We sat there for a few minutes so she could get more comfortable and I was making my "PSSSS" sound and she peed. I gave her lots of praise and kisses and announced it on Facebook, like a good mommy.
So I'm working on switching to cloth diapers for nighttime, DH is not convinced, and ECing when I'm with her, DH is not going to try. I've been told Baby Bjorn makes a great baby potty and for only $20 or so from Amazon, I think it's worth the money. Besides we'll need it once we do "potty train." So that's my adventure into EC for now.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Breastfeeding & Pumping - Making it work
First let me say that I know I am very lucky to work in education where the majority of the workforce is women and therefore tends to be more breastfeeding/pumping friendly than most industries. I am also very lucky to have a wonderful principal and assistant principal who are both super supportive so I can always feel free to talk to them about issues and who to resolve them. I am also a librarian at the high school level so I have an incredible amount of freedom with my schedule. Okay that's my disclaimer.
So the purpose of today's blog is how I make breastfeeding & pumping at work work. I hear that is the number one reason that mom's wean once they return to work, don't have time to do it anymore. While it was scary to pump at work at first, now I don't even think about it. Put up sign, close and lock door, boobs out, pump on, time for facebook!
Here is my typical (well as typical as a day with a 5-month-old gets) workday schedule:
6am - Wake up, bathroom, put on pot of hot water and pump (I use the hot water to wash my pump parts. I think it saves time over running the water until it gets hot.)
6:30am - get dressed, clean pump, pack lunch
6:50am - get baby up, change diaper, dress her (DH also gets up and follows his routine)
7am or so-Drive to work (we only have one car so DH drives me in, I also live about 35 mins away from my job) baby naps on the drive
7:45 am - Arrive at work
9:30 am - Pump
12:30 pm - Pump and have lunch
3:45 pm - go home
4:20 pm - Nurse Audrey
8pm - Nurse Audrey
Between 9 - 10pm - Get ready go to bed (shower, brush teeth, change baby's diaper, you know the night stuff)
We co-sleep/bedshare so I nurse Audrey through out the night, she usually eats to go to sleep (9:30 or so), eats again around 1 am and then again at 5am or so. Each night is a little different.
I am a pretty successful pumper. I average about 10 oz a day (at work) and Audrey will usually only eat about 10 oz so I'm pretty set there. But I also pump and leave a fresh bottle each morning (average 4oz) so I do usually end up freezing about 20 oz a week. My freezer currently has over 100 oz of breastmilk so if I couldn't pump or miss a session I would still be okay for the next day (this has happened so even with all of my flexibility, I don't always get my pumping in).
I use to pump 3 times at work but Audrey preferring to nurse rather than take the bottle, I found it better to drop the 3pm pumping and just nurse as soon as I got home. On days I know I won't see Audrey until after 5pm I go ahead and do the 3pm pump.
So that's my day in a nutshell. Not perfect but it works. Hope that provides some help in the making it work while working.
Oh, I have a Medela Pump'N Style Advance, use the Playtex drop-in system milk collecting set, and have a hands-free pumping bra.
So the purpose of today's blog is how I make breastfeeding & pumping at work work. I hear that is the number one reason that mom's wean once they return to work, don't have time to do it anymore. While it was scary to pump at work at first, now I don't even think about it. Put up sign, close and lock door, boobs out, pump on, time for facebook!
Here is my typical (well as typical as a day with a 5-month-old gets) workday schedule:
6am - Wake up, bathroom, put on pot of hot water and pump (I use the hot water to wash my pump parts. I think it saves time over running the water until it gets hot.)
6:30am - get dressed, clean pump, pack lunch
6:50am - get baby up, change diaper, dress her (DH also gets up and follows his routine)
7am or so-Drive to work (we only have one car so DH drives me in, I also live about 35 mins away from my job) baby naps on the drive
7:45 am - Arrive at work
9:30 am - Pump
12:30 pm - Pump and have lunch
3:45 pm - go home
4:20 pm - Nurse Audrey
8pm - Nurse Audrey
Between 9 - 10pm - Get ready go to bed (shower, brush teeth, change baby's diaper, you know the night stuff)
We co-sleep/bedshare so I nurse Audrey through out the night, she usually eats to go to sleep (9:30 or so), eats again around 1 am and then again at 5am or so. Each night is a little different.
I am a pretty successful pumper. I average about 10 oz a day (at work) and Audrey will usually only eat about 10 oz so I'm pretty set there. But I also pump and leave a fresh bottle each morning (average 4oz) so I do usually end up freezing about 20 oz a week. My freezer currently has over 100 oz of breastmilk so if I couldn't pump or miss a session I would still be okay for the next day (this has happened so even with all of my flexibility, I don't always get my pumping in).
I use to pump 3 times at work but Audrey preferring to nurse rather than take the bottle, I found it better to drop the 3pm pumping and just nurse as soon as I got home. On days I know I won't see Audrey until after 5pm I go ahead and do the 3pm pump.
So that's my day in a nutshell. Not perfect but it works. Hope that provides some help in the making it work while working.
Oh, I have a Medela Pump'N Style Advance, use the Playtex drop-in system milk collecting set, and have a hands-free pumping bra.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
2 teeth
Audrey now has 2 teeth! The last two weekends, she has been fussy followed by a brand new tooth on Monday. These little teeth are sharp! They hurt when she bites down on your finger. They hurt when she bites down on the boobies.
I find myself getting all sentimental. She is growing so fast. It hardly seems possible that she already has teeth. I feel like I just found out I was going to have a baby and now she has teeth! It is also exciting watching her grow. She's about 17 pounds and 25 inches tall. She looks like her daddy with just a hint of me thrown in. She is the most beautiful shade of caramel and it looks like she is going to have her Abulita's hair, curly, thick, and just a little coarse. All in all I would say I have a real beauty on my hands.
She also has a strong personality. She likes to be tickled. She loves music videos. She wants the doggies to play with her but once she's done she lets them know it. She is also strong for a baby. You can actually see her 6-pack abs! The doctor commented that she must be strong since she held her head off the table for most of her appointment.
I am amazed by her. I'm truly humbled that God has given me this awesome task. I know my journey into motherhood is still in the beginning stages. I have a lifetime of learning still to do. But for now, I'll enjoy those 2 little teeth. Boobs heal so I'll try not to focus on the new found pain. I'll just wait for each new tooth and remember fondly when she didn't have any. Man, people were not joking when they said they grow up so quickly.
I find myself getting all sentimental. She is growing so fast. It hardly seems possible that she already has teeth. I feel like I just found out I was going to have a baby and now she has teeth! It is also exciting watching her grow. She's about 17 pounds and 25 inches tall. She looks like her daddy with just a hint of me thrown in. She is the most beautiful shade of caramel and it looks like she is going to have her Abulita's hair, curly, thick, and just a little coarse. All in all I would say I have a real beauty on my hands.
She also has a strong personality. She likes to be tickled. She loves music videos. She wants the doggies to play with her but once she's done she lets them know it. She is also strong for a baby. You can actually see her 6-pack abs! The doctor commented that she must be strong since she held her head off the table for most of her appointment.
I am amazed by her. I'm truly humbled that God has given me this awesome task. I know my journey into motherhood is still in the beginning stages. I have a lifetime of learning still to do. But for now, I'll enjoy those 2 little teeth. Boobs heal so I'll try not to focus on the new found pain. I'll just wait for each new tooth and remember fondly when she didn't have any. Man, people were not joking when they said they grow up so quickly.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Some people suck
at reading other people. I'm a sucky person reader. Seriously, Jeffery Dahmer would have been my best friend. I would be the person on tv, "Like he seemed really nice. Quiet but nice. We would talk and he seemed normal. I guess you just never know." Dude I never know!
DH would say I collect crazies. I say I just like to talk to people. I very rarely meet a person I don't like. I trust everyone. I'm surprized I'm not dead yet. I know that there are people in this world that are out to hurt others but I guess I just believe that God will keep them away.
I don't really have a problem with my lack of character judgement. Like I said I just trust God is putting people into my life for whatever reason and go with the flow. But I'm beginning to wonder if this is a good trait to pass on to Audrey. DH is a good judge of character. He can always tell when someone is about to turn on me; he knows how a friendship will end; he tries to keep the bad people out of my life. So I hope that Audrey takes on some of his skills. I don't want anyone to hurt my Audrey but DH is also mistrustful of just about everyone and I'm not sure that is good for Audrey either. I don't want her to think that everyone is out to get her. I don't think everyone is out to get people. So how do I help strike the right balance? Teach her to trust people but keep her safe. Teach her to be cautions without teaching her to be afraid of everyone.
I'm a horrible judge of character. Some people just suck at reading other's intentions. All the way back to middle school, I've had trouble picking friends. I have one best friend that dates back to 7th grade, I think she's another reason I've made it so far. She tended to keep the bad folks out of my life too. I think she has the right balance. She has lots of friends but knows how to keep the "crazies" out of her life. Maybe with the move back to Texas, Miss Audrey will have a good model afterall.
DH would say I collect crazies. I say I just like to talk to people. I very rarely meet a person I don't like. I trust everyone. I'm surprized I'm not dead yet. I know that there are people in this world that are out to hurt others but I guess I just believe that God will keep them away.
I don't really have a problem with my lack of character judgement. Like I said I just trust God is putting people into my life for whatever reason and go with the flow. But I'm beginning to wonder if this is a good trait to pass on to Audrey. DH is a good judge of character. He can always tell when someone is about to turn on me; he knows how a friendship will end; he tries to keep the bad people out of my life. So I hope that Audrey takes on some of his skills. I don't want anyone to hurt my Audrey but DH is also mistrustful of just about everyone and I'm not sure that is good for Audrey either. I don't want her to think that everyone is out to get her. I don't think everyone is out to get people. So how do I help strike the right balance? Teach her to trust people but keep her safe. Teach her to be cautions without teaching her to be afraid of everyone.
I'm a horrible judge of character. Some people just suck at reading other's intentions. All the way back to middle school, I've had trouble picking friends. I have one best friend that dates back to 7th grade, I think she's another reason I've made it so far. She tended to keep the bad folks out of my life too. I think she has the right balance. She has lots of friends but knows how to keep the "crazies" out of her life. Maybe with the move back to Texas, Miss Audrey will have a good model afterall.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Do you need a man?
I was reading a blog this morning that really pointed out the difficulties for breastfeeding mothers. This blog focused on one mother's struggle in Iowa. It was sad to hear that a woman was harassed for breastfeeding her 5-week old at the mall. The mall was bad enough but once the media got a hold of the story the comments from the public were horrible and people were harassing her.
That was all really bad stuff but then I got to talking to my husband and I said something I never would have thought I would have said. "I bet if her husband was with her, no one would have said anything." Which got me to thinking, do you really need a man to protect you if you are breastfeeding?
I'm not usually one of those I need a man to survive sort of woman. I've gone clubbing by myself. I'm the main bread winner in the family. I can survive on my own. Now that I'm a mother I find myself needing a man, well my man. I have so much respect for women who do this on their own, being a married mother with good backup is hard, I can't even image the stress for single mothers!
When I breastfeed in public I try to be discreet. Using covers and the such when needed but there is a part of me that really prays that no one says anything. I don't want to fight. I'll be super passive-aggressive but I'm not one to look for fights, I usually run and usually fold just to avoid confrontation. I like to talk about other peoples drama but I don't want any myself. So the idea of being told to quit breastfeeding really kinda scares me.
I have to be strong for my daughter. Breast is best. Breast is normal. So why do I feel the need to have Ray with me? Why do I think that I'm more powerful with my man? It wasn't til I thought it, "they wouldn't any say anything if her man were there" that I realized just how weak I am or at least how weak I feel. I know there is power in numbers. The more people who seem to accept something then the more likely other will accept it too. But should women feel like breastfeeding is a strange thing? What is there to accept? Breastfeeding is normal. People don't harass mothers that are bottle feeding. Do I really need a man to protect me while I feed my baby? As you can see this just brought up some weird thoughts and issues for me. Maybe I do need man, does that make me less of a woman?
That was all really bad stuff but then I got to talking to my husband and I said something I never would have thought I would have said. "I bet if her husband was with her, no one would have said anything." Which got me to thinking, do you really need a man to protect you if you are breastfeeding?
I'm not usually one of those I need a man to survive sort of woman. I've gone clubbing by myself. I'm the main bread winner in the family. I can survive on my own. Now that I'm a mother I find myself needing a man, well my man. I have so much respect for women who do this on their own, being a married mother with good backup is hard, I can't even image the stress for single mothers!
When I breastfeed in public I try to be discreet. Using covers and the such when needed but there is a part of me that really prays that no one says anything. I don't want to fight. I'll be super passive-aggressive but I'm not one to look for fights, I usually run and usually fold just to avoid confrontation. I like to talk about other peoples drama but I don't want any myself. So the idea of being told to quit breastfeeding really kinda scares me.
I have to be strong for my daughter. Breast is best. Breast is normal. So why do I feel the need to have Ray with me? Why do I think that I'm more powerful with my man? It wasn't til I thought it, "they wouldn't any say anything if her man were there" that I realized just how weak I am or at least how weak I feel. I know there is power in numbers. The more people who seem to accept something then the more likely other will accept it too. But should women feel like breastfeeding is a strange thing? What is there to accept? Breastfeeding is normal. People don't harass mothers that are bottle feeding. Do I really need a man to protect me while I feed my baby? As you can see this just brought up some weird thoughts and issues for me. Maybe I do need man, does that make me less of a woman?
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Censorship
I did a bad thing. I censored speech. I've censored comments on my Facebook and even on my blog. I try to be open to whatever someone has to say to me but screw them, it's my blog and Facebook, I decide.
With that said, I'm a librarian by trade so censorship is a touchy issue for me. I want people to express themselves. Good, bad, ugly, everyone has the right to express their thoughts. But in a school, I have to censor. I can't let kids call each other "bad" names and I hate to hear them refer to each other as the "F" word. Where does censorship end?
I censor myself alot. I think many things but express few. Sometimes is about other people (good thing to keep to oneself), sometimes its about myself (might should express those so I can change) and sometimes its just conversation I don't dare have (mostly with DH). I try to own whatever I say. I hate it when people hide behind their words. I think blogs are a really good place for it. You can just get on, write what you please, and hide. I try not to hide but I'm sure that I do. Hiding is just so easy these days.
I read lots of "mommy" site and "anti-mommy" sites. I try to keep an open mind when it comes to raising Audrey. She's my first child so I know nothing. I more or less parent on instinct. I didn't really decide to co-sleep, it just happened. There are some hateful anti-homebirth site out there. It's scary to me the hate you can find. People are passionate. I guess it's good that people believe so strongly in things. I've heard it said that there is alot of apathy in the world but I think kids tend to bring out the passion in people.
I'm crunchy but I try to understand creamies too. I know that a homebirth isn't for everyone. Sometimes breastfeeding doesn't work out. Co-sleeping in the wrong situation can be deadly. So I try to be open and understand that other people are different from me. I try not to attack others for what they do or think since I don't want others to do it to me. But it is hard to be nice all the time. Sometimes people just suck. Sometimes I can't help but to think that a person shouldn't have child while other people who would be great parents don't have any children at all.
It's hard to censor. I want to support everyone even the people I don't believe in. But it is so much easier said than done.
With that said, I'm a librarian by trade so censorship is a touchy issue for me. I want people to express themselves. Good, bad, ugly, everyone has the right to express their thoughts. But in a school, I have to censor. I can't let kids call each other "bad" names and I hate to hear them refer to each other as the "F" word. Where does censorship end?
I censor myself alot. I think many things but express few. Sometimes is about other people (good thing to keep to oneself), sometimes its about myself (might should express those so I can change) and sometimes its just conversation I don't dare have (mostly with DH). I try to own whatever I say. I hate it when people hide behind their words. I think blogs are a really good place for it. You can just get on, write what you please, and hide. I try not to hide but I'm sure that I do. Hiding is just so easy these days.
I read lots of "mommy" site and "anti-mommy" sites. I try to keep an open mind when it comes to raising Audrey. She's my first child so I know nothing. I more or less parent on instinct. I didn't really decide to co-sleep, it just happened. There are some hateful anti-homebirth site out there. It's scary to me the hate you can find. People are passionate. I guess it's good that people believe so strongly in things. I've heard it said that there is alot of apathy in the world but I think kids tend to bring out the passion in people.
I'm crunchy but I try to understand creamies too. I know that a homebirth isn't for everyone. Sometimes breastfeeding doesn't work out. Co-sleeping in the wrong situation can be deadly. So I try to be open and understand that other people are different from me. I try not to attack others for what they do or think since I don't want others to do it to me. But it is hard to be nice all the time. Sometimes people just suck. Sometimes I can't help but to think that a person shouldn't have child while other people who would be great parents don't have any children at all.
It's hard to censor. I want to support everyone even the people I don't believe in. But it is so much easier said than done.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Babies and pregnacy talk
So I watched a show a few weeks back about a model becoming a mom. I was struck by one thing she said, "I'm still the same person. The baby didn't change me. I'm still going to do what I did before the baby." Is that possible?
I mean really can you have/adopt/acquire a child and not change anything? Since I gave birth to a child I can only talk from that perspective, I know adoption and fostering are different so I can't say anything about those experiences. So it's not that nothing about me is the same but so much is different. I mean even my body is different. Now I have stretch marks and make milk! I assume that "private area" is different as well. So I'm not the same person physically. At work, I make time to pump. So work life is not the same. At home, I have a baby to take care of so home is definitely not the same! How can anybody have a child and be same after?
Is the baby all I talk about? No, trust me I still bitch about work and things outside of Audrey. But strangely nobody wants to hear that. Before baby people would ask how I was doing now the question is how is the baby. As other mothers warned me, once the baby is here nobody cares how you are doing. While I was pregnant people would ask about the baby and the preparations so the question is do we as mothers get conditioned to talk about the baby by other people or is it just something that we do ourselves?
I have been accused of having nothing to talk about besides the baby. That I'm obsessed with pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding. Yes I am. I've learned a lot about those topics in recent months. It is my current area of research but if I were researching and talking up Slave Era music and talked about it 24/7 would you have a problem with that?
My husband loves to research, he picks a topic and learning everything he can about it. Then he proceeds to teach me about it. While it can be boring to learn about buckeye balls and some kind of condensate, I know that he is excited to learn and to teach so I'm excited to learn and hear him. I don't get in his face and talk about how he's changed and now he's boring. There are people who make their living talking and learning about only one thing, Stephen Hawking comes to mind. People don't get in their faces and tell them they are boring but yet people feel justified in doing that to mothers!
Audrey is my research topic. She is my life's work. Sorry that doesn't fulfill your needs for interesting conversation. But at the same time if you want to know my thoughts on Obama's health care reform then ask me. I also have opinions on Virginia's new governor. I can always talk about Steeler football. And have you watch RuPaul's Drag Race, ask me! Don't blame me when you find the conversation boring, maybe you need to ask more interesting questions.
Mothers aren't boring. We have a research topic that is ALWAYS changing so we always have something new to share. You want to know about other things then ask. I don't always know what is going on in the world outside of Audrey but that doesn't mean I don't care, I just don't have time. Ask, share, and be patient if I'm a little out of date. At least somethings never change. Tiger Woods is still a loving faithful husband and Izzy Stevens is still running the halls of Seattle Grace. Oh wait! I think I heard something on the news about both of those!
I mean really can you have/adopt/acquire a child and not change anything? Since I gave birth to a child I can only talk from that perspective, I know adoption and fostering are different so I can't say anything about those experiences. So it's not that nothing about me is the same but so much is different. I mean even my body is different. Now I have stretch marks and make milk! I assume that "private area" is different as well. So I'm not the same person physically. At work, I make time to pump. So work life is not the same. At home, I have a baby to take care of so home is definitely not the same! How can anybody have a child and be same after?
Is the baby all I talk about? No, trust me I still bitch about work and things outside of Audrey. But strangely nobody wants to hear that. Before baby people would ask how I was doing now the question is how is the baby. As other mothers warned me, once the baby is here nobody cares how you are doing. While I was pregnant people would ask about the baby and the preparations so the question is do we as mothers get conditioned to talk about the baby by other people or is it just something that we do ourselves?
I have been accused of having nothing to talk about besides the baby. That I'm obsessed with pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding. Yes I am. I've learned a lot about those topics in recent months. It is my current area of research but if I were researching and talking up Slave Era music and talked about it 24/7 would you have a problem with that?
My husband loves to research, he picks a topic and learning everything he can about it. Then he proceeds to teach me about it. While it can be boring to learn about buckeye balls and some kind of condensate, I know that he is excited to learn and to teach so I'm excited to learn and hear him. I don't get in his face and talk about how he's changed and now he's boring. There are people who make their living talking and learning about only one thing, Stephen Hawking comes to mind. People don't get in their faces and tell them they are boring but yet people feel justified in doing that to mothers!
Audrey is my research topic. She is my life's work. Sorry that doesn't fulfill your needs for interesting conversation. But at the same time if you want to know my thoughts on Obama's health care reform then ask me. I also have opinions on Virginia's new governor. I can always talk about Steeler football. And have you watch RuPaul's Drag Race, ask me! Don't blame me when you find the conversation boring, maybe you need to ask more interesting questions.
Mothers aren't boring. We have a research topic that is ALWAYS changing so we always have something new to share. You want to know about other things then ask. I don't always know what is going on in the world outside of Audrey but that doesn't mean I don't care, I just don't have time. Ask, share, and be patient if I'm a little out of date. At least somethings never change. Tiger Woods is still a loving faithful husband and Izzy Stevens is still running the halls of Seattle Grace. Oh wait! I think I heard something on the news about both of those!
Monday, April 26, 2010
1 year since
I have been working on a movie of Audrey for my family. It's been fun to go back over the last year of pictures to see the changes in my life. On Saturday 4/26, was exactly one year that we found out we were pregnant. I still remember that pink plus sign like it was yesterday. I also have a picture of it so I can still look at it! It really doesn't seem that long ago and yet I have a four-month old daughter.
I've also been thinking a lot about the people in my life and out of my life. Audrey's birth has really shaken up my circle of friends. I've been able to reconnect with several college friends thanks to the momma connection. And yet even with a wider circle of friends I feel like I've lost a very important friend along the way. This friend was hurt by my carelessness. I have to admit that my actions weren't fair and were thoughtless. She was newly married and had bought a new house and I should have taken the time to acknowledge it. I know that a simple card was all that I needed but at the same time now that I've had time to process and grieve the lost of friendship I'm kinda glad. I took ownership of the failure and now I'm trying to make sure I don't lose other people that are important to me. I don't think I'll ever get over the attack on my husband, she said he would be a horrible father, nice thing to say to a woman that is 8 months pregnant. But again, if that is how she felt I'm glad she expressed herself rather than continue being my friend and feeling that way. Right?
I miss having friends that are close by. Talking to my best college friend last night reminded me of just how far apart everyone is. The internet makes everything seem close. I have 24hr access to people and yet I don't have anyone to get a pedicure with. It's amazing how lonely I feel sometimes. I'm not overwhelmed by motherhood but I feel physically isolated. I know that I can email with other mommas, I can "chat" with them but I don't have one to just hang with. I'm looking forward to returning to Texas because at least I'll have my family around.
Anyways sorry for the downer of a blog today but it's been on my mind and I just need to write it out.
I've also been thinking a lot about the people in my life and out of my life. Audrey's birth has really shaken up my circle of friends. I've been able to reconnect with several college friends thanks to the momma connection. And yet even with a wider circle of friends I feel like I've lost a very important friend along the way. This friend was hurt by my carelessness. I have to admit that my actions weren't fair and were thoughtless. She was newly married and had bought a new house and I should have taken the time to acknowledge it. I know that a simple card was all that I needed but at the same time now that I've had time to process and grieve the lost of friendship I'm kinda glad. I took ownership of the failure and now I'm trying to make sure I don't lose other people that are important to me. I don't think I'll ever get over the attack on my husband, she said he would be a horrible father, nice thing to say to a woman that is 8 months pregnant. But again, if that is how she felt I'm glad she expressed herself rather than continue being my friend and feeling that way. Right?
I miss having friends that are close by. Talking to my best college friend last night reminded me of just how far apart everyone is. The internet makes everything seem close. I have 24hr access to people and yet I don't have anyone to get a pedicure with. It's amazing how lonely I feel sometimes. I'm not overwhelmed by motherhood but I feel physically isolated. I know that I can email with other mommas, I can "chat" with them but I don't have one to just hang with. I'm looking forward to returning to Texas because at least I'll have my family around.
Anyways sorry for the downer of a blog today but it's been on my mind and I just need to write it out.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
My left boob is an overachiever
I like to come with funny titles for my blogs. It's almost the best part. Maybe that is why people use Tweeter. Its short and sweet.
Anyways on to today's topic. So I'm pumping and noticing a huge increase in production. Okay so like 2 oz doesn't seem huge but it is. I've gone from 10 oz a day to 12 + oz a day. I'm not sure if Audrey is ramping me up for a growth spurt or if I need to put away the Milky Tea.
It doesn't seem that I have much extra milk since Audrey is eating thur everything I leave for her but I want to reach my goal of 150 oz in the freezer so I can donate and so far I'm at 130. The problem I'm having is that only my left boob is ramping up. I don't think I'm too lopsided yet but I'm starting to get a little self-conscience about it. I can't produce an extra 2 oz out of one boob and it not be noticeable, right?
I'm not sure if that means anything that lefty is out producing righty. I try to feed her off both in a normal switching rotation. I drink my Milky Tea on both sides of my mouth. Both boobs are in a bra. I have no clue why the change! But if I start leaning to one side when I walk I'll blog about it!
Anyways on to today's topic. So I'm pumping and noticing a huge increase in production. Okay so like 2 oz doesn't seem huge but it is. I've gone from 10 oz a day to 12 + oz a day. I'm not sure if Audrey is ramping me up for a growth spurt or if I need to put away the Milky Tea.
It doesn't seem that I have much extra milk since Audrey is eating thur everything I leave for her but I want to reach my goal of 150 oz in the freezer so I can donate and so far I'm at 130. The problem I'm having is that only my left boob is ramping up. I don't think I'm too lopsided yet but I'm starting to get a little self-conscience about it. I can't produce an extra 2 oz out of one boob and it not be noticeable, right?
I'm not sure if that means anything that lefty is out producing righty. I try to feed her off both in a normal switching rotation. I drink my Milky Tea on both sides of my mouth. Both boobs are in a bra. I have no clue why the change! But if I start leaning to one side when I walk I'll blog about it!
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
To cover or not to cover, that is the question of the day.
Audrey hates to eat with anything on her head. So I usually try to feed her without covering up. I mean I would hate to eat with a blanket on my head so why should she? We do find ourselves out of the house pretty often on the weekends so I'm having to eat her in public. Personally, I've gotten over my shyness and besides I have to feed my daughter. Most of the time I can use my wrap to cover my actual breast while feeding so that nothing is placed on Audrey's head but there have been times that I break down and cover the whole operation. It's those times that Audrey eats the least and fights eating. I know she's hungry but she just doesn't do well with anything over her head.
The other day, I was out with a friend and she was the one trying to cover me up. I didn't have my wrap on so I ended up using a blanket to cover up. Audrey just gave up eating. Later that day, after I put my wrap on and used just the side cover, Audrey couldn't get enough. I want people to feel comfortable but I'm getting to the point that I just don't care. Audrey must eat, they don't have to look.
Why are people so scared of boobs and nipples? Everyone has nipples. Just because mine has a baby attached doesn't mean that mine is now dirty or a horrible thing. Men walk around all day without a shirt on (most are super gross looking) and that's okay but if I have a little nipple showing people run. One of Ray's friends barely noticed me feeding Audrey and totally freaked out and ran the other way.
So to cover or not to cover? At this point I find covering pointless. If I cover she doesn't eat so there is no point to covering. I'll keep using my wrap to provide cover but it's just a boob. If you have a problem with it, then you are the boob!
The other day, I was out with a friend and she was the one trying to cover me up. I didn't have my wrap on so I ended up using a blanket to cover up. Audrey just gave up eating. Later that day, after I put my wrap on and used just the side cover, Audrey couldn't get enough. I want people to feel comfortable but I'm getting to the point that I just don't care. Audrey must eat, they don't have to look.
Why are people so scared of boobs and nipples? Everyone has nipples. Just because mine has a baby attached doesn't mean that mine is now dirty or a horrible thing. Men walk around all day without a shirt on (most are super gross looking) and that's okay but if I have a little nipple showing people run. One of Ray's friends barely noticed me feeding Audrey and totally freaked out and ran the other way.
So to cover or not to cover? At this point I find covering pointless. If I cover she doesn't eat so there is no point to covering. I'll keep using my wrap to provide cover but it's just a boob. If you have a problem with it, then you are the boob!
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Breastfeeding makes me feel like a slut . . .
Okay not really but at the same time yes really. I don't look at clothes the same way. Now I look for clothes that give easy access to my breast. That's kinda slutty, right?
Before baby, I was a pretty shy and usually pretty covered up. I'm not one to show a lot skin. But now I have to have access to my breasts in order to feed my daughter. It's kind of a mind shift. At first I didn't really think about what I was wearing and then I would be stuck with my belly all exposed because the only way to feed Audrey was for me to pull my shirt all the way up. Even now I catch myself pulling on my shirt to see if I can get a boob comfortably out the top.
After some great advice I wear nursing tanks so that even if I have to pull my shirt up I don't feel all exposed. I'm learning the right things to wear.
What I still struggle with is how to nurse in public. There is a part of me that just wants to let it all hang out and just wipe out my boob and feed my daughter and then there is the part of me that is shy and I want to be discreet about it. But then who am I protecting? Audrey needs to eat and people who bottle feed just wipe out the bottle and don't think twice. Why should I care? Everybody has nipples so surely seeing mine won't be a big deal.
Sometime I try to put myself in Audrey's position. Would I like to eat with a blanket on my head? Heck no. So far I have dropped the blanket cover unless I have a bad vibe. For the most part Audrey's head covers my nipple and I usually use the Moby to cover my boob but not her head. I can tell she does much better that way. I'm pretty good at getting her into position without anyone noticing. I'm pretty bad at putting myself back together without anyone noticing. I seem to my boob just hanging out while I get my nursing pad back in place and my tank back together. I'm getting better and I love breastfeeding. I feel like a mother, a good mother. I might not be a great mom in other areas but at least I know I'm meeting my daughter's nutritional needs, even if it does require a walk on the slutty side. :)
Before baby, I was a pretty shy and usually pretty covered up. I'm not one to show a lot skin. But now I have to have access to my breasts in order to feed my daughter. It's kind of a mind shift. At first I didn't really think about what I was wearing and then I would be stuck with my belly all exposed because the only way to feed Audrey was for me to pull my shirt all the way up. Even now I catch myself pulling on my shirt to see if I can get a boob comfortably out the top.
After some great advice I wear nursing tanks so that even if I have to pull my shirt up I don't feel all exposed. I'm learning the right things to wear.
What I still struggle with is how to nurse in public. There is a part of me that just wants to let it all hang out and just wipe out my boob and feed my daughter and then there is the part of me that is shy and I want to be discreet about it. But then who am I protecting? Audrey needs to eat and people who bottle feed just wipe out the bottle and don't think twice. Why should I care? Everybody has nipples so surely seeing mine won't be a big deal.
Sometime I try to put myself in Audrey's position. Would I like to eat with a blanket on my head? Heck no. So far I have dropped the blanket cover unless I have a bad vibe. For the most part Audrey's head covers my nipple and I usually use the Moby to cover my boob but not her head. I can tell she does much better that way. I'm pretty good at getting her into position without anyone noticing. I'm pretty bad at putting myself back together without anyone noticing. I seem to my boob just hanging out while I get my nursing pad back in place and my tank back together. I'm getting better and I love breastfeeding. I feel like a mother, a good mother. I might not be a great mom in other areas but at least I know I'm meeting my daughter's nutritional needs, even if it does require a walk on the slutty side. :)
Friday, April 2, 2010
Reflection on an answered prayer
This is Holy Week. In case I haven't said it in a past blog post, I'm Catholic. So for me this is a week of church, or really three straight days. I have always loved going to church for the Tridium. I have always connected with these three days of the church year but since last year these three days have a new meaning. It was at Easter last year that my daughter was conceived.
I spent the better part of my time in front of the Holy Eucharist yesterday in tears but good tears. I was thinking about how my life had changed over the last year. I remember that I was also crying last year because I felt hopeful that I was finally going to have a baby. After a three year struggle, we were finally going to see a doctor and work on getting pregnant. We had finally turned it over to God and admitting that maybe we might have an issue with fertility. I remember praying for a baby. I prayed for a baby and a year later I have one. I can almost for sure say that I got pregnant on Holy Saturday of last year.
I"m so grateful for all the changes in my life. It's been hard but I'm glad God that answered this prayer with a baby. I know all my prayers are answered but it felt wonderful to be sitting in front of the Holy Eucharist one year later breast feeding my daughter. I felt like I had come full circle. I don't think I'll ever feel the same way about the Easter Tridium again.
Audrey has been on this Earth just about a year now. I know she's only been breathing about 4 months but she's been here since last Holy Saturday. She's been alive and the answer to my prayer.
I spent the better part of my time in front of the Holy Eucharist yesterday in tears but good tears. I was thinking about how my life had changed over the last year. I remember that I was also crying last year because I felt hopeful that I was finally going to have a baby. After a three year struggle, we were finally going to see a doctor and work on getting pregnant. We had finally turned it over to God and admitting that maybe we might have an issue with fertility. I remember praying for a baby. I prayed for a baby and a year later I have one. I can almost for sure say that I got pregnant on Holy Saturday of last year.
I"m so grateful for all the changes in my life. It's been hard but I'm glad God that answered this prayer with a baby. I know all my prayers are answered but it felt wonderful to be sitting in front of the Holy Eucharist one year later breast feeding my daughter. I felt like I had come full circle. I don't think I'll ever feel the same way about the Easter Tridium again.
Audrey has been on this Earth just about a year now. I know she's only been breathing about 4 months but she's been here since last Holy Saturday. She's been alive and the answer to my prayer.
Friday, March 26, 2010
My daughter is black and I am not.
In case you didn't know, Audrey is half-Mexican and half-Black. I usually don't notice the whole color thing. My husband and I have been a couple for close to 15 years so you just stop noticing but the other day I was playing on the computer and taking pictures of Audrey and I together and I was struck by the fact that my daughter is black. She will probably be able to "pass" as a black woman without anyone questioning her background. Even with her "Mexican" hair, people will just think she has good black people hair with a perm or the ever famous, she's got some Indian in her family.
The problem I have is I'm not black. How do I raise a strong black woman, when I'm not one? How do I raise my daughter to be proud of her Mexicaness, when she will be able to deny it so easily? I'm lucky to have so many strong black woman in my life, my best friend Hithia is an incredible woman and I know she'll be an excellent role model for Audrey. And my mother-in-law and sister-in-law also can't be beat. But shouldn't learning to be a woman come from me? I know she'll get her raising from me, God willing I'll live to see her grow up but tomorrow isn't promised. But I can't help but to worry that I'll miss something vital. Maybe it has nothing to do with blackness and I'm just worried about being a good mom. I guess time will tell.
The problem I have is I'm not black. How do I raise a strong black woman, when I'm not one? How do I raise my daughter to be proud of her Mexicaness, when she will be able to deny it so easily? I'm lucky to have so many strong black woman in my life, my best friend Hithia is an incredible woman and I know she'll be an excellent role model for Audrey. And my mother-in-law and sister-in-law also can't be beat. But shouldn't learning to be a woman come from me? I know she'll get her raising from me, God willing I'll live to see her grow up but tomorrow isn't promised. But I can't help but to worry that I'll miss something vital. Maybe it has nothing to do with blackness and I'm just worried about being a good mom. I guess time will tell.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
In her own crib?
Well, last night was a strange night in our house. Miss Audrey did not want to sleep with mommy and daddy. Audrey and I go to bed together at about 9pm. I'm usually exhausted so 9pm is the perfect bedtime for me. I usually nurse her as she drifts off to sleep and I watch her until I'm asleep. It works for us. I'm happy she's happy, Ray gets alone time until he comes to bed around midnight.
Well last night Audrey did not want anyone to touch her or be near her. I nursed and nursed but she would not go to sleep so Ray took her so that I could get some sleep. She fell asleep on the couch next to Ray but she had to be spread out in a huge "y". Every time he would try to bring her to bed, she would wake up and cry. Finally around midnight she came to bed nursed a bit and went to sleep. When I woke up around 4 to check on her and nurse her she was spread in a huge "y" and Ray and I were both barely hanging on to the bed. After her 4am feeding she curled up with me and slept. She was finally so milk drunk that she didn't care if mommy was touching her.
It was strange. I felt so rejected by my own daughter. She's only 3 months old and that seems very young to move her into the crib and away from us. I think I'll be exploring the sidecar option. I don't want her in another room but I want her to have space. What is a mother to do?
Well last night Audrey did not want anyone to touch her or be near her. I nursed and nursed but she would not go to sleep so Ray took her so that I could get some sleep. She fell asleep on the couch next to Ray but she had to be spread out in a huge "y". Every time he would try to bring her to bed, she would wake up and cry. Finally around midnight she came to bed nursed a bit and went to sleep. When I woke up around 4 to check on her and nurse her she was spread in a huge "y" and Ray and I were both barely hanging on to the bed. After her 4am feeding she curled up with me and slept. She was finally so milk drunk that she didn't care if mommy was touching her.
It was strange. I felt so rejected by my own daughter. She's only 3 months old and that seems very young to move her into the crib and away from us. I think I'll be exploring the sidecar option. I don't want her in another room but I want her to have space. What is a mother to do?
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
I have a booby baby.
I breastfeed my daughter. I believe that it is the best thing for her. I also believe that in America we have a problem with breastfeeding. It seems that many American's have bought into the idea that spending money on their child means better care for their child. That some how the TV is right and formula is just as good as breastmilk so the more expensive the formula the better for baby and the better parent you are.
I don't want to be militant about it. But we are a country of extremes. Either things are all good or all bad and if you have a voice in the middle you are basically lost. I do know there are women that for one reason or another cannot breastfeed but formula is still not the next best choice. However, I also understand that the next best choice, someone else's milk, can be difficult to find.
Formula is so easy. You go to Walmart, or where ever, pick it up, put in a bottle, add water and shake. Feeding can be accomplished. If that is too difficult, you can buy premixed formula that you just add to a bottle.
For me, breastfeeding was the only option. Why should I line the pockets of formula manufacturers? Formula is expensive! I'm not poor, thank God, but I'm not rich either and spending my hard earned money on formula when I can make milk for free just make sense to me.
I have the right and in my own opinion the obligation to breastfeed my child to the best of my ability. Even just an few ounces of breastmilk is better than no breastmilk. I say stick to the man and booby feed your baby. Come one people if Kendra from Girls Next Door can do it with implants then those of us with real jobs and real boobs can do it too!
I don't want to be militant about it. But we are a country of extremes. Either things are all good or all bad and if you have a voice in the middle you are basically lost. I do know there are women that for one reason or another cannot breastfeed but formula is still not the next best choice. However, I also understand that the next best choice, someone else's milk, can be difficult to find.
Formula is so easy. You go to Walmart, or where ever, pick it up, put in a bottle, add water and shake. Feeding can be accomplished. If that is too difficult, you can buy premixed formula that you just add to a bottle.
For me, breastfeeding was the only option. Why should I line the pockets of formula manufacturers? Formula is expensive! I'm not poor, thank God, but I'm not rich either and spending my hard earned money on formula when I can make milk for free just make sense to me.
I have the right and in my own opinion the obligation to breastfeed my child to the best of my ability. Even just an few ounces of breastmilk is better than no breastmilk. I say stick to the man and booby feed your baby. Come one people if Kendra from Girls Next Door can do it with implants then those of us with real jobs and real boobs can do it too!
Monday, March 15, 2010
Babywearing, it's not just for hippies!
I'm a babywearer. I didn't know it was a thing. I just figured that I didn't want people touching my baby but carrying her all day just didn't seem like something I could do so I discovered babywearing. I wrap my Moby wrap around my body, I place my baby in the hug hold and off we go.
I didn't think that people would think it was weird or that it was a new concept. I've seen lots of pictures of Mexican and African women with a baby strapped to their backs so babywearing isn't anything new. I guess it's not been a very big thing here in the US.
I love answering questions about my wrap. People stop and ask where I bought it. I think the funniest question I've had was, "Do you do it because of your culture?" I'm glad that people feel comfortable enough to ask me. I want more people to see just how wonderful babywearing can be.
I have also noticed the jealous looks I get when I have Audrey in the Moby. This is especially true at church and the mall. I see women with a baby in their arms, plus carrying their purse and diaper bags. They see me with my hands-free. Trust me, having my baby in a wrap is the only way to go. I know exactly where she is and how she is doing. I love it.
Maybe babywearing isn't for everybody but it definitely the way for Audrey and me.
I didn't think that people would think it was weird or that it was a new concept. I've seen lots of pictures of Mexican and African women with a baby strapped to their backs so babywearing isn't anything new. I guess it's not been a very big thing here in the US.
I love answering questions about my wrap. People stop and ask where I bought it. I think the funniest question I've had was, "Do you do it because of your culture?" I'm glad that people feel comfortable enough to ask me. I want more people to see just how wonderful babywearing can be.
I have also noticed the jealous looks I get when I have Audrey in the Moby. This is especially true at church and the mall. I see women with a baby in their arms, plus carrying their purse and diaper bags. They see me with my hands-free. Trust me, having my baby in a wrap is the only way to go. I know exactly where she is and how she is doing. I love it.
Maybe babywearing isn't for everybody but it definitely the way for Audrey and me.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Who's baby is it anyways?
I've heard it many times that advice is people just remembering their own struggles but it is getting out of control! One wise teacher told me at my shower that I had to keep in mind that I was raising my baby not the doctor's or anyone else so stick to your own instincts. I think I'm doing a pretty good job of that, so far but I have lots of people trying to tell me that what I'm doing is wrong! That I'll be sorry later. So here is the list of my parenting sins according to "people who know."
1. Co-sleeping - I have to admit that co-sleeping just happened. I didn't plan on it but now that we do co-sleep it is the best thing in the world! I don't get to spend much time with Audrey during the day since I work but night time is our time. I can hold her and nurse her and just in general be close. Maybe I will regret this decision in the future when she needs me to help her go to sleep but I'm willing to find out.
2. Breastfeeding - While no one is telling me not to breastfeed they do tend to have an opinion on my wanting to breastfeed for at least 2 years. And the fact that I'm not giving my baby cereal yet is just appalling. Sort of goes with the co-sleeping thing, "No wonder the baby isn't sleeping thur the night! You need to have her in her own crib and feed her rice cereal!"
3. Daddy-day-care - We are lucky enough that my husband can stay home with the baby. Rather than put her in day-care, Ray gets to keep her. He is a wonderful father and I think the extra time for bonding is good for both. He'll be starting graduate school in the fall so his time with her will become more limited. I am jealous of his chance to be with her all day but I'm proud of the fact that he does. I don't care what other people say. A man can actual take care of a baby.
I'm sure there are other sins but those are the three I hear the most about. I'm nice about it. I let people say their peace and then do what I think is best besides what was best for their child is not what is best for mine.
1. Co-sleeping - I have to admit that co-sleeping just happened. I didn't plan on it but now that we do co-sleep it is the best thing in the world! I don't get to spend much time with Audrey during the day since I work but night time is our time. I can hold her and nurse her and just in general be close. Maybe I will regret this decision in the future when she needs me to help her go to sleep but I'm willing to find out.
2. Breastfeeding - While no one is telling me not to breastfeed they do tend to have an opinion on my wanting to breastfeed for at least 2 years. And the fact that I'm not giving my baby cereal yet is just appalling. Sort of goes with the co-sleeping thing, "No wonder the baby isn't sleeping thur the night! You need to have her in her own crib and feed her rice cereal!"
3. Daddy-day-care - We are lucky enough that my husband can stay home with the baby. Rather than put her in day-care, Ray gets to keep her. He is a wonderful father and I think the extra time for bonding is good for both. He'll be starting graduate school in the fall so his time with her will become more limited. I am jealous of his chance to be with her all day but I'm proud of the fact that he does. I don't care what other people say. A man can actual take care of a baby.
I'm sure there are other sins but those are the three I hear the most about. I'm nice about it. I let people say their peace and then do what I think is best besides what was best for their child is not what is best for mine.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Return from Wheat Exile
Well, I've had a dietary break-thur! Audrey is almost able to handle wheat! That means the slow return of wheat to my diet. Soon I'll be able to eat wonderful white bread and cake and so many other bready thing that I have been missing for the last two months.
Audrey isn't totally able to handle wheat yet. She still gets very gassy but she's able to push it out. I don't think I've ever been so happy to hear a human being fart. But now that she can actually push the gas out, I can start eating wheat again.
I'm adding it back slowly so it won't overwhelm her system but yesterday for the first time in weeks I had gravy! It is amazing how good it tasted! I think it will still be a few weeks before I brave a hamburger on a regular bun but just being able to eat something breaded without worrying that I've just cost myself a night's sleep is good.
Hopefully, she won't develop any other digestive issues. I'm scared about introducing solid foods but at least it will be another three months before I have to worry about that. They say that breast-fed babies don't usually have allergies but since Ray has like 100 of them I'm worried that Audrey will be doomed to boiled chicken and rice. Well that is a worry for another day. For now I will celebrate the ending of my exile!
Audrey isn't totally able to handle wheat yet. She still gets very gassy but she's able to push it out. I don't think I've ever been so happy to hear a human being fart. But now that she can actually push the gas out, I can start eating wheat again.
I'm adding it back slowly so it won't overwhelm her system but yesterday for the first time in weeks I had gravy! It is amazing how good it tasted! I think it will still be a few weeks before I brave a hamburger on a regular bun but just being able to eat something breaded without worrying that I've just cost myself a night's sleep is good.
Hopefully, she won't develop any other digestive issues. I'm scared about introducing solid foods but at least it will be another three months before I have to worry about that. They say that breast-fed babies don't usually have allergies but since Ray has like 100 of them I'm worried that Audrey will be doomed to boiled chicken and rice. Well that is a worry for another day. For now I will celebrate the ending of my exile!
Friday, February 26, 2010
Guilt
I think guilt is every mom's cross to bare. At first I was thinking it was my good old Catholic guilt just kicking in but this guilt feel different. This guilt hurts and sits on my chest so that I can't breath.
I work all day and Ray stays at home with Audrey. Once I come home I take Audrey and feed her and play with her and in general spend time with her but no amount of hours at night can make up for the daytime hours I am not with her. The time I spend with other people's babies making them the best they can be while my own child grows up without me. I can see why so many women quit working. I'll never get this time back.
I think for the most part I'm okay with it. At least Audrey is with her dad and she is cared for by someone who loves her and thinks she is the best baby in the world. Honestly, Ray could not be a better father. But then my guilt gets replaced with jealousy. Why does he get to have all the fun? She looks for Daddy for comfort. She only sees me as food. It's hard to be away.
I think the guilt is also so bad because I want time to myself but I feel like I'm not entitled to it since I do work outside of the home. How can I possibly deserve time to myself when my baby needs me? I want to take time to go to Target and buy a new nursing tank but I feel guilty for wanting to go without Audrey.
Guilt is a horrible thing. You don't want to talk about it. It's like admitting you are doing something wrong, otherwise why are you feeling guilty? I think I'm also struggling with loneliness. I don't have any physically close best-girlfriends to hang out with and my friends that are close by don't have kids so they probably won't understand and I don't want to be the friend that only talks about their kid. I love Audrey and she is my whole world but sometimes I do long for the big world. Again, that is a horrible thing to say! What mother doesn't want to spend every waking hour with their child? I don't know maybe it's all normal but it sure doesn't feel like it.
I work all day and Ray stays at home with Audrey. Once I come home I take Audrey and feed her and play with her and in general spend time with her but no amount of hours at night can make up for the daytime hours I am not with her. The time I spend with other people's babies making them the best they can be while my own child grows up without me. I can see why so many women quit working. I'll never get this time back.
I think for the most part I'm okay with it. At least Audrey is with her dad and she is cared for by someone who loves her and thinks she is the best baby in the world. Honestly, Ray could not be a better father. But then my guilt gets replaced with jealousy. Why does he get to have all the fun? She looks for Daddy for comfort. She only sees me as food. It's hard to be away.
I think the guilt is also so bad because I want time to myself but I feel like I'm not entitled to it since I do work outside of the home. How can I possibly deserve time to myself when my baby needs me? I want to take time to go to Target and buy a new nursing tank but I feel guilty for wanting to go without Audrey.
Guilt is a horrible thing. You don't want to talk about it. It's like admitting you are doing something wrong, otherwise why are you feeling guilty? I think I'm also struggling with loneliness. I don't have any physically close best-girlfriends to hang out with and my friends that are close by don't have kids so they probably won't understand and I don't want to be the friend that only talks about their kid. I love Audrey and she is my whole world but sometimes I do long for the big world. Again, that is a horrible thing to say! What mother doesn't want to spend every waking hour with their child? I don't know maybe it's all normal but it sure doesn't feel like it.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Me and my Moby
Well yesterday was the first time I wore my Moby wrap. I felt like a total Earth-Mother. My wrap is beautiful. It's chocolate brown with a tan butterfly on the front. I have been using a Front-to-Back rider but it felt so industrial. I had my daughter on my chest but there was so much fabric and material between us, she may as well have been in a stroller.
The Moby wrap was different. I could feel her and her body heat. She could grab on to my shirt and feel me. Wraps are totally the way to go. It felt like I was connected to my daughter rather just having her hanging off of me. It was a nice feeling especially since we were at Ash Wednesday mass. The whole mother-daughter connection just felt so special. I'm looking forward to wearing Audrey more. I'm thinking I might need more wraps too, just for variety. I'm not a totally skilled baby-wearer yet but I'm finding that learning the skill is going to be essential in my development as a mom.
The Moby wrap was different. I could feel her and her body heat. She could grab on to my shirt and feel me. Wraps are totally the way to go. It felt like I was connected to my daughter rather just having her hanging off of me. It was a nice feeling especially since we were at Ash Wednesday mass. The whole mother-daughter connection just felt so special. I'm looking forward to wearing Audrey more. I'm thinking I might need more wraps too, just for variety. I'm not a totally skilled baby-wearer yet but I'm finding that learning the skill is going to be essential in my development as a mom.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
I'm Miss Granola Sunshine
Well, as it turns out I might be crunchy after all. I was recently reading a discussion on Mybestbirth.com about whether or not a person who has a homebirth is crunchy or a hippie. I had honestly never thought about myself as a hippie until that thread.
What exactly is a hippie? I mean when I think of a hippie I think of unwashed masses at Woodstock, I know I'm not that. But at the same time, I did have my baby at home by candlelight, I drive a Prius, I wear my baby rather than use a stroller, I also like granola. Do these things make me a hippie?
I guess if thinking rather than following the mainstream blindly makes me a hippie than maybe I now have an excuse to give up shaving. It would save me so much time in the shower! Or do hippie not shower either? Any ways, yes I think for myself. Yes, I have given the medical establishment the finger on occasion, like having my baby at home and refusing to follow their vaccination schedule. Yes I proudly drive a Prius. Yes, I wear my baby. Just call me Miss Granola Sunshine and maybe don't stand so close in case I decided to be a super hippie that day.
What exactly is a hippie? I mean when I think of a hippie I think of unwashed masses at Woodstock, I know I'm not that. But at the same time, I did have my baby at home by candlelight, I drive a Prius, I wear my baby rather than use a stroller, I also like granola. Do these things make me a hippie?
I guess if thinking rather than following the mainstream blindly makes me a hippie than maybe I now have an excuse to give up shaving. It would save me so much time in the shower! Or do hippie not shower either? Any ways, yes I think for myself. Yes, I have given the medical establishment the finger on occasion, like having my baby at home and refusing to follow their vaccination schedule. Yes I proudly drive a Prius. Yes, I wear my baby. Just call me Miss Granola Sunshine and maybe don't stand so close in case I decided to be a super hippie that day.
Friday, February 5, 2010
No longer waiting
Well it's been awhile since I blogged; that is because our daughter Audrey was born on Dec 17th! Motherhood is wonderful and exhausting. It's everything people tell you but so much more than you can ever image. It has been the hardest job I've ever had.
I don't think anything could have prepared me for motherhood. I would say that Audrey is a very spirited child. She has a strong will and looks like the both of us. I thought she would have looked more like one of us but she is a true mix.
We have had so much happen since Audrey was born. We've had a fire, a trip to the NICU, another 4 days in the local hospital, sewer issues, the list just goes on but strangely, just looking at Audrey makes it all worth it. I think I've worried that all the problems have meant Audrey is being short changed. That maybe the stresses we have been feeling have been bad for her but she is growing and seems happy.
I think the number one lesson I've learned in the last 7 weeks is that God is in control and giving over the control is the only way to survive the ride. I had to give into the pain during childbirth and I've had to trust that the "problems" are just small bumps in the road to whatever God has planned. I'm not sure how often I'll be able to blog now that Audrey is here but I'll share the adventure as often as I can manage.
I don't think anything could have prepared me for motherhood. I would say that Audrey is a very spirited child. She has a strong will and looks like the both of us. I thought she would have looked more like one of us but she is a true mix.
We have had so much happen since Audrey was born. We've had a fire, a trip to the NICU, another 4 days in the local hospital, sewer issues, the list just goes on but strangely, just looking at Audrey makes it all worth it. I think I've worried that all the problems have meant Audrey is being short changed. That maybe the stresses we have been feeling have been bad for her but she is growing and seems happy.
I think the number one lesson I've learned in the last 7 weeks is that God is in control and giving over the control is the only way to survive the ride. I had to give into the pain during childbirth and I've had to trust that the "problems" are just small bumps in the road to whatever God has planned. I'm not sure how often I'll be able to blog now that Audrey is here but I'll share the adventure as often as I can manage.
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