Never dream big enough

Yesterday was the Groom's wedding. We had many trials and tribulations watching the Groom's face as he caught sight of his lady walking down the aisle made it all worth it. The joy and absolute happiness on his face really did make it worth the trip.

Without talking too much about the past, I will say that yesterday was the best I had ever seen the Groom look. When I first met him 9 years ago, he was so fragile looking. Yesterday, I saw a man who was happy and healthy and ready for a life full of anything that can be thrown at him. Truly the Lady has been good for him. They make each other shine.

There were several times that I fought back tears. The Groom's vows made me and most of the crowd cry. The blending of sand to symbolize the blending of the family was also a tear jerker. I saw several people crying during the first dance. The moment that got to me and I mean I was crying hard was watching the Groom dance with his youngest "step"-daughter. I was struck by the sweetness and joy of that moment. I was also struck by the thought that I had dreamed too small for the Groom. In my prayers, I prayed for God to put the right woman in the Grooms path. I remember saying God please send this man a wife. He is such great guy and he deserves to be happy. When Briana and I would talk about the Groom we always talked about how he needed a good wife. We focused on a wife for him. I think DH said it best, " What God sent him was a life.".

I wish you could see the Groom's changes. I wish there was a play the pictures of transition from my head. He was always a great guy. Really the type of friend that you wish every friend would be. Maybe that was really the problem, he was so busy caring for everybody else that he let himself slip through the cracks. Yesterday I saw a man who knew what to do to make himself happy. He grabbed his life, his future, and his happiness.

I am not sure when I'll see them again. I am not sure we'll ever make this trip again. I know that this ends the Danville chapter. I got here 9 years ago kicking and screaming and fought to leave until we finally moved back to Texas. I never dreamed of all of the things I got from the Danville adventure. I never dream big enough. I always want the minimum and yet God always provides to the maximum. Yesterday the Groom taught me that the surface isn't enough. We deserve the whole fullness of life. I asked for the Groom to get a Wife but God knew better and sent him a life.

Wordless Wednesday: Monster Bash

So tried of crying

In case you haven't noticed I spend a lot of time talking about my feelings. In 6 days we'll be in Virginia for a very special wedding and the timing of the wedding is exactly 2 years from the day we left Southside Virginia. So I am feeling all kinds of emotions. Not too long ago I blogged about the significance this wedding and the special place that the Groom has in my heart so not going over it again. But last night I was sitting at Standpipe and it occurred to me that in 7 days I would be celebrating the wedding in VA. Then you guessed it I started crying. God I hate to cry in public!

DH asked me why I keep crying. A good question and something to think about it. On the way home it occurred to me why I keep crying. I feel guilty. The last time I saw Briana, I hugged her and wished her luck on the final month of her pregnancy and that I couldn't wait to meet Baby J next summer. I didn't know we would never see each other again. I never got to thank her for all of the love and friendship and kindness. I didn't say those things because I felt guilty for leaving and moving back to Texas.

In the months before we moved, Briana and I had talked about why DH and I had decided to moved back. One of the big reasons was we wanted family near by. I remember saying that having Ravebaby had taught us just how alone we were and how you can't count on your friends to drop everything for you like you can family. If you have an emergency you have to hope a friend can help but with family you know you have someone. I remember her saying she was nervous about not having family around. She said that she had been thinking of moving back closer to family too. I remember saying that if I were staying then I knew she would at least have me and I knew that I could always count on her. I said that was the hard part leaving at the time she would need me most. She assured me her mom would be down and everything would be okay. How could we know? How could either of us think that we could give such assurances?

So that's why I keep crying. I cry for the guilt that kept me from thanking her. I cry for the guilt surviving giving birth when she didn't. I cry because I lost my rose colored view of the world when Briana died in childbirth. I learned that very bad things happen to good people.

I try to be grateful for everyday I have. I know nothing is promised and nothing is owed to me. I know that my tears solve nothing. I know that my guilt is a waste of energy and emotion. No matter how much I cry, how much I pray or how guilty I feel Briana is gone. Nothing changes the events of July 28, 2010. I still wake up hopeful and ready to get calls about the arrival of Baby J and instead I get calls of sadness telling Briana didn't make it and Baby J is touch and go. Nothing changes. Life must move forward. Baby J will be two and it will make two years since Briana died. I'm going to stop crying and I'm going to let the guilt go. Nothing can take me back to June 29,2010 and let me say what I need to. Even if I could nothing would change.

June 30th, I'm going to hug the groom and congratulate him and I know Briana is going to be there looking down and enjoying the scene. She would have been so excited for the groom. So life goes on. We grow, we learn, we mourn and we celebrate. Saturday we dance and cry tears of joy. The Groom marries his lady. Everything is as it should be.

Fantasy vs Reality: Brandon Flowers

So Saturday at the Standpipe was an odd day. They had no electricity. That meant no coffee :(. But they still had their musical act; they are awesome!

However that is not the point of this blog so hopping on to the point. Since there was down time I had the chance to sit and have a real conversation with Jailbait. How real? Debatable, I think I was more or less just clearing my mind and he was in the vicinity but like a good barista he listen enough to respond at the right time and I just kept talking. So on to the point, as part of this talk, I mentioned that I would leave DH for Brandon Flowers, lead singer of The Killers. It isn't a secret that for the last 4 years or so I've been singing The Killers' Sam's Town Album. So it only makes sense that the lead singer would earn a special spot in my heart.

Later on I was sitting with DH recounting my semi-conversation. As part of this conversation I starting thinking about the actuality of leaving DH for Brandon Flowers. It wouldn't be easy. In my mind's fantasy, it would be like a movie. I would be at a concert and we would lock eyes and then fade out with 'Bones' playing in the background. You never see the end. The messy reality is always hidden in the credits. So again more or less just thinking out loud, I started talking out the messiness of such a move. Here is my list of issues:

1. Brandon is married and so am I. Number 1 saying in my book: If you can steal him then he can be stolen. There would never be trust.

2. Brandon is Mormon and I am Catholic. Talk about a never ending fight.

3. The kids. I forget how many he has and of course I have Ravebaby. Trying blending that together. I can also image how nasty the custody fight with DH would get.

4. Again Brandon is Mormon and I'm Mexican. As far as I know race mixing is very taboo in the Mormon church. This would cause him to have internal strife ensuring he would treat me like shit but also providing much inspiration for fantastic music. I lose but you would win :)

5. I would have left my DH and that would cause me internal strife. I'm not artist but you would get lots of blog posts! That might up my traffic. People love a good car crash and to hear about the real lives of stars. This could be a win for everyone!

I'm sure the list could go on. I might turn this into a regular blogging feature. Fantasy vs Reality - X star. Could be fun. Anyway, if you made it to the end of this post sorry for bringing a dose of reality to the end of the romantic movie. The grass maybe greener but you never see the water bill; as good friend of mine says. File this under random thoughts. So who would you leave your partner for?

Running for the fun of it

So I had a major breakthrough on my running journey yesterday, I ran my farthest distance 4.2 miles and it was my fastest non-race pace to date:12:36 /mile. I was so excited. I know I'm not fast but I am finding that I am stronger than I thought. I can set a goal and reach it. I can pick a pace and maintain it.

I am still struggling with balancing my runs with time with my Ravebaby. I know the running helps me distress and in the end that makes me a better mom. I keep trying to remember that being away from my daughter for a hour to exercise does not make me a bad mom. I know that everyone does parenthood differently but I still feel guilty.

Wordless Wednesday: The Factory family

She did it to herself. I just took the picture. 

 In the picture: Uncle Max (front man for Social Bliss), Ravebaby, and DH.

Finishing the last VA project

In 20 days were going to Virginia to be at the wedding of two really good friends. It will be exactly 2 years to the day we left Danville, VA. I've been really looking forward to the trip. I've also been avoiding my thoughts of my friend Briana. Next month will be the two year anniversary of her death in childbirth. I've been thinking a lot about her lately, especially when I run. As I've written before, Briana's death has been very difficult for me to deal with and going back to VA and knowing I won't see her is almost more than I can handle.

The groom is actually a good friend and co-worker of Briana and me. I remember having long conversations with her about trying to find the groom a wife. I know she would have been sitting beside me being that the groom was finally getting married to the perfect woman. I know there will be other coworkers from our old school there for the wedding and I know we're going to be feeling the hole her death left.

I was talking with DH about it today and he said that this wedding the end of our Danville life. It was the last project we had to finish and then we could close that chapter. The groom's wedding has been a long journey in faith for all of us. Faith that God has in the right place at the right time. We never wanted to live in Danville. We moved there with the plan to leave ASAP. 8 years later our Danville adventure was over. I know the only reason the groom met his lady was because I found her. As soon as I met the Lady, I said to myself she's perfect for the Groom! 2 years later I finally got them to meet up and the rest is history.

DH is right; this wedding is the last thing. I have a goddaughter and lots of friends in Southside Virginia but this was my last reason to go back. Ravebaby is from Danville and I'm sure we'll go back again to show her her hometown. This trip feels final. A final goodbye to that chapter of my life. A finally goodbye to Briana. A final goodbye to the girl that I was and a final acceptance of the woman I am.

The stripper inside

So in the last 12 months I seem to be on a quest to check things off of my bucket list. I've eaten snails, drank expensive scotch, got a henna tattoo, got my nose pierced, and run a 5k race. Suddenly like divine inspiration I found out Lufkin has a gym offering pole dancing classes. Cool right? I was all like I'm totally going to do it and the was like dude no way I'm going to do it. That lead me to why don't I want to do it? What exactly am I afraid of? I've been on a quest to get my sexy back for the last 2 years, why run the opposite direction now? So I signed-up for Attitudes Intro a 90 min classes that covers floor, chair and pole dancing. You know a introduction for beginners, stripping 101 if you will.

Since I'm so private about everything, I posted on Facebook. I know people think I over share but hey that is why you read my blog, the over sharing and pictures of my boobs. But this time the sharing was about accountability. I am chicken. I'm yellow. I run in face of danger. I am in a deeply committed relationship with my comfort zone. So if I post it I have to do it. Do I really want my friend razing me of my chicken-ness?

I had so much fun! Really it was a greats atmosphere. The instructors were nice and easy to get along with. The rest of the ladies in the class were all supportive and we bonded. (My only complaint was that I was by myself; everyone else had a friend with them.) It was also a really good workout. The class was two days ago and my arms are still sore from working the pole :) I had fun. I was timid but by the end I was okay. I was letting go and getting into the groove. I just signed up for a Sultry Chair class tonight. Really I need the workout. I like running but I hate weights and stretching and this makes me do both with really doing either. I highly recommend going to Attitudes and/or checking out class in your area. If I can do it then anyone can.

I'm going to attempt running and the strip classes in a every other day type of rotation. I'll have to see what my budget and my schedule will allow.maybe I can even talk a friend or two into going with me.

Mama failure

I sent an ugly tweet into the public sphere about Jailbait teasing Ravebaby with a cookie. I called him a jackass and I was wrong to do it. But after a bit I started thinking about why it bothered me so much. Ravebaby sees people eating yummy looking wheat filled things all of the time. So why did this bother me?

Honestly just the day before DH and I had a serious discussion about Ravebaby's skin reactions. Seems like this nasal allergy season has made the food allergy go into overdrive. I hate giving Ravebaby medications. I want her on nothing. We had stopped giving her her allergy med over the winter and it seemed she was doing well. We aren't totally wheat free but the amounts of wheat are tiny. Her skin was clear and no itches. Now her elbows and stomach are covered. We give her the maximum amount Zyrtec that she can have. I treat the spots with Angel Baby Bottom Balm from Earth Mama Angel Baby. We keep it pretty controlled with just that. So far we haven't had to use the steroid cream and I'm trying to avoid it. I just don't want to overload her system. But I'm beginning to think it's time to change our approach. Her skin is not getting better.

Ravebaby keeps saying that she is eating bad cookie; my dad loves cookies and he's not wheat free, we call them the bad cookies. DH thinks that she might be telling us the truth. We can't control everything she eats since we are not with her 100% of the time. I know he is right. I know my parents aren't going wheat free anytime soon so the mixed house is here to stay.

Her skin is making me feel like a failure. On top of that is my inability to get Ravebaby to take a nap. She will got up to my mom and say Nap time! She'll settle right down and nap. What is the problem with me? Why can't I get her to sleep? Even bedtime is starting to become a problem. She has always gone to bed late. Typically she has a 10:00 pm bedtime, that is when the routine starts. She will usually fall asleep around 11:30 pm. That is so late! I really struggle to stay up long enough to see her go to sleep. I've tried to start the routine earlier but we just start earlier and go to sleep at 11:30. I'm lost. I'm a failure at being a mom. That is all.

Running a little longer

Yesterday was my first beyond 5k run. I ram 3.5 miles. I know it doesn't seem like a lot, only .4 miles longer but every step counts. I ran it in 46 mins also not fast I was happy with it. After I finished I felt good. I felt like I could have run another half mile or so. I'm working my way to 6+ miles and adding half a mile at a time seems like a good way to get there. I'm not worried about how fast I run just building the endurance. I like working on keeping a steady pace. I keep finding myself starting slowly and speeding up as the final mile approaches. It makes me happy.

I am finding that little voice that tells me to stay on the couch is getting easier to ignore. Every run is a struggle in getting off my ass. Every ounce of my being still fights right up until I finish my run. Lazy Martha is alive and well but Get Off Your Ass Martha is kicking her ass. I am enjoy the time to think, the time to let go, the time to listen. My runs are turning into meditation sessions. I am a much happier person post run.

The one thing that does bother me is the lack of weight loss. I know I've lost 2 dress sizes since my running started back in February but I would still like to see that damn scale go down. My focus is endurance not weight loss. I can be fit at a size 14. I mean no one thinks size 0 super models are the perfection of health so why even worry about it? I feel like I trip myself up. I am hungry all of the time. I have found that without wheat in my life I just always feel hungry. I don't have that bread base to help stuff my belly. There are times that I eat a filling healthy meal and then I'm hungry again in 30 mins. No wonder my weight is steady. I will just be happy building up my endurance and having time with my thoughts.

Wordless Wednesday: Ravebaby @ The Hates

Ravebaby rocking out at The Hates show at The Factory.

Birthday gift to self: Hole in the Head

I've wanted to get my nose pierced for along time. I wanted it done in college but my mom would have freaked out. Then after I got I was working as a teacher so couldn't do it. Yesterday was my birthday so I decided that it was time to check it off of my bucket list. I've been working a lot on that list lately! (My parents still haven't seen it so I might edit later with a reaction)

5k rundown and birthday lowdown

So exactly 7 days ago I ran my first 5k.  I did well for me.  I ran 36.24!  I had set a goal for myself of 36 minutes.  Then as I got closer and it seemed I was clocking closer to 40 mins in training I back my goal to 40 mins.  I wanted to push myself but not discourage myself.  I also most hit my original goal!  I didn't use my iPhone during the run so I was running blind.  There weren't any markers for how far I had gone.  We finished on a track so I knew I only had 1/4 a of mile left and I kicked into high gear for my finish.  I felt so good!  I really couldn't believe how well I did.  I'm hooked.  I want to train up to a 10k, half marathon and eventually in the future a marathon.  I love the accomplishment I feel when I finish.  I love setting a goal for the run and then meeting it.  I don't think I'll ever be a fast runner but I am a runner.

I've been a bit MIA from blogging lately.  I've got a new part-time job plus I'm enjoying my life.  I use to blog in my free time and now I'm running or running after my Ravebaby.  Life is really good.  Yesterday I had the chance to see The Hates, a punk rock group from Houston.  I had a blast.  On Thursday, I got a henna tattoo, my first.  I had been wanting one and then someone just up and offered to do them so that people could have them for The Hates show.  I love it! 

Today is my birthday.  I've had such a good year.  I feel like I'm finally where I need to be.  I'm not working myself to death for a paycheck.  I'm reaching goals that only a few months ago seems impossible.  What will this next year bring?  God only knows.  What do I want?  I want a baby.  This baby quest has a direct effect on want #2 which is to finish a 10k.  Since I'm not running a 10k yet, I think a baby would derail the training but it's a derailment that I would gladly welcome.  I want to continue to listen to the universe and to learn to keep going with the flow of life.  I want a lot, don't I!  I'm looking forward to seeing everything that comes my way.

My henna tattoo

New job and snakes on the trail

I started a new job today.  It's pretty low key so far.  I feel like I don't know anything, which I don't.  It's part-time and flexible, which is perfect for now.  I'm excited to be working at my church.  I'm giving back while earning just enough to pay a few bills.

My first 5k is Saturday!  I'm so excited and scared.  I'm running every other day.  My best 5k was just over 32 mins on an indoor track.  My best outside trail time was just over 39 mins.  I want to hit 36 mins for the race.  I'm going to keep running.  I'm training in the afternoons in the Texas heat.  I'm hoping that since the race is first thing in the morning, this training time will come to be an advantage.  We'll see.

My last run yesterday I saw a snake!  I don't like snakes.  I screamed.   The snake was going into a tree stump.  Then as I passed a tree something suddenly shook in the tree and I screamed bloody murder, again.  It was a squirrel.  As I rounded the trail near where I had seen the snake I started freaking out and rightly soon.  It was sunning itself!  I screamed again and ran as fast as I could to get away.  Needless to say by the time I needed to kick to finish strong, I had no kick left.  Between screaming and the running away from the snake, I was gassed.  I hope there are no more snakes on my path!

Copy Kids - Review and GIVEAWAY - *CLOSED*

So I was recently given a copy of Copy Kids: Eat fruits and vegetables. I was so excited to review this DVD. I don't know about you but Ravebaby has become a little bit of a picky eater. For the most part we eat pretty healthy. DH and I are always trying to model good eating and with the wheat free aspect of our life, we really have to work hard now to lay a good foundation for healthy eating.

The concept of the DVD is pretty simple; it features children eating fruits and veggies! Why didn't I think of it? Children are natural copy cats. (Again the whole reason parents need to model good eating habits.) So I put the DVD in, selected Carrots and I waited to see Ravebaby's reaction. She kept her eyes on the screen the whole time except when she looked at me and demanded a carrot. Well Ravebaby likes carrots so I thought it was a fluke. We watched Broccoli. Again same thing, "broccoli, please.". Okay Ravebaby use to eat broccoli so again another fluke. The big test Tomatoes! DH and I hate raw fresh tomatoes. We never eat them and never buy them. Would Ravebaby eat a veggie that she knows we hate just because she sees random kids eating them? Answer: Yes!  Well she would have if I had had any on hand.

So this leads me to my one critique of this DVD, it needs to comes with a warning to make sure you have the veggie and/or fruit on hand ready to eat! Seriously, be prepared!  I had to run to the fridge and get a carrot.  The only broccoli I had in the house was frozen; that didn't go over well since the kids on the DVD were eating fresh bright green broccoli.  I didn't have any tomatoes in the house as all; Ravebaby was not pleased!  The length of the sections is perfect; each sections is about 6-8 minutes long. Long enough to get the kids interested, eating, and then over before they can get bored! Love this DVD!

So Ravebaby and I highly recommend this DVD. Just be for warned, your child is going to want to eat their fruits and veggies so make sure you have them ready to eat! She is still asking for carrots and she wants to watch more of the DVD.  I foresee a trip to the veggie section of the grocery store.

The lovely people from Copy Kids want to give a copy of their DVD to one of Wheatless Mama's readers!  This is Wheatless Mama 1st giveaway!  I'm so happy to be able get this DVD in the hands of one of my readers.  I'm using Rafflecopter so it might take a minute to come up.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Disclaimer: I was provided a free copy of the DVD for my review.  Copy Kids is also providing a copy for one of my readers for free. My review is based solely on my opinion.  You know me, I could lie if I tried. :)

C25k over

I finished c25k on Thursday. It felt anticlimactic. I was so sore from pushing so hard on Tuesday that I ran slower than slow. I did getting done. The worst part was that later that day I felt great. I guess I had worked the soreness out! I'm proud of having stuck it out. I finished 5 days later than my original goal. I lost 3lbs but 2 pants sizes. I feel good about myself. I really started c25k at a low point. I was happy in my job, I wasn't feeling like a good mom or wife. As I ran each session I just felt better. It was my mediation time. I stopped hearing everyone else and I could listen to me and to God. I feel like I'm finally on the right road. So if you want to be a runner then I'm totally recommending C25k. There are lots of versions; just find the one that works for you. I'm signed up for my first 5k. May 19th I'm running! It's been almost 16 years since I ran my last race. I can wait. Now that I'm running again, I plan to keep running. Up next, I need a jogging stroller so I can take Ravebaby along with me. I wonder if I can get DH out there with me too?

Wordless Wednesday: Rave On!

Ravebaby with the lead singer of Social Bliss. She loves Mr. Max! First time with a ponyhawk!

I'm a super loser at life

Okay not really but I haven't run in nearly a week!  I had a fubar on Thursday's C25k.  I accidentally turned the app off and didn't realize it until after I had run a mile.  I was so mad!  I just left the gym in total disgust with myself.  I ran a 1 mile for nothing!  So the wrong attitude to have. 

After a bit of reflection I realized that i lost focus.  I'm doing C25k.  My mile time should not be my focus, which is how I turned the app off to begin with, I was trying to check my 1/3 mile time and then again at 1 mile.  Fast is not the point!  Just running for the 30 mins and then I can worry about the 3 mile time.  I've got 18 days to get my ass in gear and be ready to run a 5k.

I'm running tomorrow.  I have to.  I need to.  I need the stress relief.  I need the runner's high.  I need to accomplish a goal.  I have 2 days of C25k left.  I can do this!

Tear away stripper pants: Part 2 - How-to

So on to the how to actually make tear away stripper pants:  This is just how I did it.  By no means the only way just mine.  I did you McCall's Stitch 'N Save pattern #M5504.  Pictures are forth coming.  Have to find my card reader, sorry.  Here is the link for converting jeans into stripper pants.

"What do you need":
Made from scratch:                             Pulling from the closet:
Fabric                                                  Pants
velcro (hook and loop) sew-on           Velcro
snaps                                                    snaps
elastic
bias seam tape (optional)
pants pattern

1:  Measure.  You need to know your fit.  This is true even you are tearing up a pair of pants to turn into stripper pants.  How much room do you have for the velcro/snaps?

2: Decide on your style.  You starting from scratch or pulling from your closet?

3: Hit the fabric store. 
     My purchases: McCall's M5504, Sew-ology Hook & Loop sew-on in Black (3/4 in. x 36 in.), 3 yards of fabric

4: Lay it out/cut it out.  I made the M5504 in medium to get a tighter fit.  Remember that if you are going to use a fabric with a pattern you might need more to match the direction.  If I had been making the shorts to be the final product I would have matched the lions up but it's prototype to I just laid it out and cut.

5.  Sew the front to back and then the inseam.

6.  Starting thinking.  You would normally sew the outer seam next but you don't want to do that this time since you are tearing away at the outer seam.  This is where the pants become stripper pants.

7.  Bias tape the outer seams.  I did this to add some strength; after all, there will be a lot of pulling on this area.  I had some single sided bias tape here and that is what I used.  I also liked that it help with the hemming since people will see this once the pants are off.

You can see the seam tape I added.

8.  Make the elastic casing on the back.  There will be holes on each side so that you can add the elastic later.  I saved this for after the seam tape so that the waist also had the extra reinforcement.

9. Fold in the front outer seams about an inch.  I did this to add extra reinforcement.  The pants get pulled forward so it's my thinking this area needed all of the reinforcement it could get.  So it will be a double layer of fabric under the velcro/snaps.

10.  Make the casing for the draw string in the front.  Again you'll have the holes on the sides and the middle for the draw string.  Same thing here do it after you use the bias tape and doubling of the fabric.

11. Hem it up.  You could save this for after the next step but I hate it when gatherings get in the way.  If you do them here everything is flat.  Again this is after the bias tape and fabric doubling is done.

12.  Add the elastic and the drawstrings.  I added the draw strings without much thought.  They are adjustable so I didn't really need to measure.  The elastic I put in and sewed on one side only.  I pinned the other end so that I can measure how much elastic we needed.  I hate elastic and I hate ripping out seams so better to wait and get it right the first time.

13.  Time for velcro and/or snaps.  (I used a combo of both. I used snaps at the waist to give a bit more reinforcement and with the elastic I wanted something with a bit more weight. It also means I left the snaps off until after the fitting.) Leave the side with the pin for the elastic undone at the waist so you can measure out your elastic first and then you sew it up.  I used one inch pieces of velcro placed about one inch apart down the legs.  We haven't done a test run yet so this might change.  I sewed the velcro on at the top and bottom.  After a test run I might go back and sew the sides of the velcro if they need more reinforcement.

close up of the snaps and velcro

14.  Try it on and get the elastic measured and sewn. 

15.  Add the waist snaps.

Full length picture.

16. Strip away.

Tear away stripper pants: Part 1 - Why

So I'm doing a 2 part series on tear away stripper pants.  Why two?  Well Part 1 - Why is the background story to the making of, while Part 2 - How-to will be the how-to make stripper pants from a pattern or Part 3 - Converting Jeans into Stripper Pants.  This way if you care why I started making stripper pants you can get the story but if you want to just learn how you can skip the why and go on to making your own.

Why would I ever want to make tear away stripper pants?  It's actually pretty simple, I was fulfilling someone's dream. :)  Actually I won't go that far.  As you have read in the past, there is a man-child I know whom I call Jailbait (who by the way is actually legal but still the name applies in my old teacher brain).  This all begins with him.  I'm no innocent.  I have been to strip bars in my day but never have I ever wanted to make/wear/own tear away pants.  However, JB has been talking about wanting to own such a thing.  How could I knowing that I could make a dream come true deny him?

JB didn't have any idea that I actually sew so it's not like he asked me.  Since I'm staying home with Ravebaby, I've been looking to get back into my old crafty self.  I thought the challenge would be a good brain exercise.  Now my bestest friend, Artsy-Momma, can make anything!  I mean anything.  Just mention it and she will make it.  She doesn't need a pattern or anything.  Not so with me.  If the pattern doesn't exist then I can't make it.  So tear away pants were going to be a real challenge for me.  For some reason neither Simplicity nor McCall's have a stripper pattern line!  I know right.  I bet the market is huge.  But back to topic, I offered to make JB the pants.

Since this would be a first for me, I had to watch "Sexy and I know it" by LMFAO several times to try to get an idea of exactly what he might have in mind.  I kept trying to pause the video on the actual stripping scene but youtube kept stopping on the junk rather than the pants.  So that approach didn't help.  I did some internet research.  Surely someone would have posted step by step directions.  No such luck.  Wiki-how did have a step by step but I didn't really get it.  So I decided the best way to do it was just start from scratch.  I found a pattern, fabric, and velcro (hook and loop) but now I needed measurements.

Strangely for a person who claimed he wanted something so badly, JB worked very hard to avoid getting measured!  It took me 3 days to finally get that boy measured.  I own a self-measure measuring tape but either he couldn't or wouldn't get it on right and give me a number so I finally just put my arms around him and got the numbers.  This then lead to the discussion of how tight should these fit?  (Oh I also decided to make shorts since this is a prototype; no point in wasting fabric on something that doesn't work.)  I decided to go smaller.  I mean a stripper doesn't typically wear loose clothes besides these are a prototype.

Once I got started on the actual construction, I took about 3 hours to make the prototype.  Again, I had a few stops and starts.  There was much discussion on whether to use snaps or velcro.  In the end we went with velcro since JB actually wanted velcro and the shorts were for him so he got what he wanted.  Shocking, I know.  I think the shorts are actually tighter than I thought they would be since he did complain about the tightness.  No one has actually seen the shorts in final form on JB.  In fact, the shorts are still in my purse since I had to finish them at home rather than at the fitting.

JB still wants pants.  Pants were always the actual goal.  I'm still not sure that we've worked all the kinks out of the prototype.  I mean we need to see if they will tear-off without tearing up the shorts!  But I will say that we at least have a working prototype.  There is talk of turning a pair of khakis into tear-away pants.  We'll see.  If it took 3 days to get measurements, I'm sure if I leave JB, he'll take 3 months.  My guess I'll have to kidnap him and take him to the store to pick out some pants or I'll have to use my ill-gotten measurements and pick some out.

To be continued . . .   

You can see the velcro.  JB refuses to pose so this will have to do.

Wordless Wednesday: take a picture!

Week 9 - C25k

Today was my Week 9 Day 1 run of Couch to 5K. I really can't believe that I have made it this far. Would had though I would have gotten hurt or just plain old derailed by life. I remember the first day of C25k, I woke up at 7 am and told DH I was tried of excuses and went and ran. Now 9 weeks later and I worried that once I don't have my little app telling me to run that I'm just going to back to sitting on my ass. I have really enjoyed the challenge. I've liked pushing myself.

9 weeks ago I felt fat. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I felt trapped in a life that seemed to be happening to me. Now I feel like I am happy. I am beautiful. I am confident. I have the nest job ever which is being a full-time stay at home mom. What a difference 9 weeks can make.
Running has really made me feel like my old self. The attitude adjustment has been from top to bottom. I'm just plain ol' happy!

So today's run I was inside, which I normally hate but it was just too hot and there was too much pollen in the air. I hate the indoor running because it feels easier than running outside. I also have no clue how far I actually run. I was worried that a 30 min run would be too much. I just was't confident that I could do it. I need to have more faith in myself. I was trying to psych myself up for what I thought was the last 5 mins when the app called time. I was so proud of me. I ran and felt like the 30 mins actually not 30 mins. I was really shocked that I ran and didn't die before the 30 was up. How far did I really run? I have no clue. I hope I can run outside on Thursday so I can get an idea of how close to 5k I actually am. I am a runner, again. After a 15 year break, I have my eye on a race for May 19th, just one week before my 33rd birthday. I can do it. I will do it. I'm almost there.

Big girl bed

Ravebaby is a co-sleeping baby.  With the exception of two nights, both NICU nights, she has slept next to me.  Even in the hospital stay during her UTI thing she slept with me in the hospital bed.  About 2 months ago I ended the side-car and moved the crib into toddler bed position across the room.  Ravebaby's been playing in the bed.  Jasmin (dog) has been taking naps in the bed; that's been a fun training exercise.

I have placed Ravebaby in the bed for a couple of naps but nothing consistent.  Tuesday I decided to put Ravebaby in her bed after she fell asleep.  It was a strange experience for me.  I was thinking about it while I put her to sleep in the mei tai.  Once she was out I made the decision to put her in her bed.  At first I okay and so was she.  I sat down on the bed, grabbed the computer and then I burst into tears!  I mean I just cried.  So wasn't the reaction I expected from myself.  I ran to DH who was on his computer in the other room and just sobbed into his shoulder.  Seriously, I was crying. 

DH took me back to the bedroom and reminded me that this was a big step that Ravebaby needed and we needed too.  He's right.  He's been wanting to move her out of our bed and depending on the night, I have too.  Ravebaby is not totally night weaned so I've been resisting but I heard several moms mention putting their child in a toddler bed in the room and letting the kid come back into the big bed at the first night nursing.  So I went for it.  Ravebaby stayed in her bed for 2 hours then woke up and walked over to our bed and went right to sleep again.  I watched her like a hawk while she was in her bed.  It worked well.  No crying barely any waking. 

So I'm going to keep trying put Ravebaby in her own bed.  The last two nights it's only been for an hour.  She tends to move around a lot and once she feels her leg hanging off the edge of her bed she wakes up and moves to our bed.  Last night was hard since she fell asleep in our bed.  I did let her get into a deep sleep before I picked her up and moved her.  Again she was only in her bed for an hour but we'll get their. 

I have to admit I like having the bed adults only even if it is just for an hour.  I'm not ready to push for her to totally night wean or push her to sleep in her own bed all night but we are both taking baby steps.  She is growing up so quickly. 

Wordless Wednesday: Ravebaby in Shreveport

Slow as molasses and half as sweet

So I'm on Week 8 Day 1 of Couch to 5k. I really can't believe that I've made it this far. Seriously last time I got hurt on the very first run and then didn't run for 8 months. Yet here I am; I'll be done with the program at the end of next week. Feels so good to be so close!

Now I'm still super slow! At today's run I ran a 12 and 1/2 min mile. That is slow but I ran it and I did two of those motherfuckers at pace, so I'm still happy. Today was the first day I had a 28 min run and the first day I ran a full two miles plus about 1/6. Really and truly for 33 year old,200+ lbs woman who hadn't run in 15+ years that is not bad. Even if it is keep your mouth shut and let me believe I'm doing good.

After my last run, I told DH that there was no way I would be running 3 miles by the end of this program since I was even finishing 2 miles in the running. Today was really the micro win that I needed. I can do this. I can be in 5k shape by my birthday next month. I can really do this! I don't want to count my chickens before they hatch but I'm feeling good and my goal is in reach.

I know that first comes endurance then I can start working on getting my time down. If I run a 9 min mile and then quit then what did I really do, especially if my goal is a 5k? I also need to work on my actually running form. When I get tired I have the bad habit of dropping my head and that only makes the actual run harder. I have to breathe! I need to keep my face relaxed. I need to keep stretching. So many thing I need to remember from my old xcountry days. But seriously Coach use to get on me for not stretching and now I truly see the wisdom of his words. I think that is the only reason that I haven't gotten hurt. Getting fast will come in time. Mileage comes with training. Form comes from practice. I'm almost there. Go me!

I'm a chess groupie

So Saturday I watched DH beat someone (Jailbait [JB]) at chess.  It was the first time I had ever seen him actually play the game.  DH has been playing chess since he was a kid.  He has tried several times over the years to teach me.  I've tried a few times to actually learn.  I can't seem to remember how the pieces move and worse yet I see nothing on the board.  Seriously, DH has described being able to just look at the board and see moves and set moves and other crap about moving pieces.  I see the squares and that is it.  No moves, no cool tricks not even how to lose quickly so I can quit playing.

Really I have no clue what is going on when it comes to chess.  Saturday's game has been a long time in coming.  JB always has his chess board and plays people at Standpipe all the time.  DH has been wanting to get back into playing chess but there never seemed to be a good time for them to go head-to-head that and Cameragirl (an old high-school friend) had warned DH off of playing.  She told us that JB was a shark.  It is also my understanding that chess takes a long time to play and Ravebaby doesn't like to sit for long periods.

Saturday we were downtown and Standpipe wasn't very busy so the battle was set.  DH said that JB is actually very good anyone else he would have beat in a few moves.  Again I know nothing so judge I cannot.  The game took about an hour but JB was working so between eating lunch and running around making lattes the battle raged.  Pieces traded back and forth.  Eyebrows furrowed.  Quips were traded.  At one point JB started rapping; it was my suggestion for distracting DH.  Near the end "Under pressure/Ice ice baby" was hummed.  Then a huge explosion of people wanting coffee and a Ravebaby in need of a nap.  DH did not finish JB off.  My bet guess is that DH did have the win since most young men insists on getting the kill and since JB just let DH walk off it must have been over in DH's favor.

It was amazing and yet a little weird that I found it such a turn on to watch the game.  Really seeing DH just using his wits and going for a kill.  DH and I are super competitive.  We are so competitive with each other that Connect Four is banned in our house. Games of Trivial Pursuit last hours and hours, neither one of us wants to give even an inch.  Neither one of us is competitive in physical feats.  DH has a bad back and knees and I'm just lazy but when it comes to using your brain.

As I said to DH, it's a good thing I never hung around chess tournaments and/or that DH is a good player since apparently I like to go home with the winner.  It's fun to find new aspects to our attraction to each other.  We've been a couple for 16 years but it never gets old.  I'm thinking there will be more chess games in our future.  I think I might learn to like the game after all.

I just want to be even

So DH and I were talking yesterday and the subject of the future came up as it tends to do.  The question of ultimately what are we working towards being the number one thing.  When we were young and stupid (oh wait I did say young) we wanted to be millionaires by the time we were 30.  We're in our 30s are dirt poor so that goal changed along the way.  We wanted a huge family.  We only have one kid and it seems at this rate if we are lucky enough to have another one we'll be doing good.   So where are we and were are we going?
The other day I heard "I want to be rich" by Calloway and the thought came to me that I don't want to be rich.  Honestly, Biggie had it right, Mo' Money Mo' Problems!  I just want to be even.  I want enough money to pay our bills.  I don't need anything fancy.  I don't care if I never have a new car.  I don't need a house with a white picket fence.  Heck, I'm okay if I never get an iPad (and yes I do want an iPad, I have a birthday coming up if you want to give me your old used one :)).  I just want to be able to pay our bills every month and be able to have a little bit on hand in case of an emergency.  I just want to be even.
Right now we are far from even.  Now that I'm not working, we struggling.  It's okay.  I don't like this position but I know God is working on me.  I know that I'm learning a lot about what is really important in life.  While I've never been a super materialist person, I did become change.  I developed a taste for electronics and sushi.  I'm getting better.  My life right now isn't perfect but I'm happier now than I have been in a while.  I'm feeling at peace.  So maybe I'm poor but God has got this.

Wheat/Gluten-free fad (My wheat-free life for real, yo!)

So apparently it's going around that going gluten-free is a good way to lose weight.  I'll be the first to to tell you that I lost weight going wheat-free.  In fact for the first 3 months of going strictly wheat-free I was losing weight so fast it was a bit scary and I was worried about my health.  All together I would say I've lost about 30 lbs to the wheat-free diet I know live.

So that sounds great right!?  No, wheat but I lose tons of weight.  That sounds fantastic where do I sign up?  While now that I've been wheat-free for over 2 years, I have to tell you, I'm not strict.  Once I backed off the strictness of my wheat-freeness, the weight lose stopped.  I've maintained but the losing has stopped.  Not a problem for me.  I'm happy.  I didn't go wheat-free to try to meet Oprah or Miley.  My DH was diagnosed with a wheat allergy in 2003.  My DD was born with a wheat allergy.  I have no issue with wheat except that it causes my family pain. 

I've talked about my journey to wheat-freeness before but today's pain is, wheat-free shouldn't be a fad.  I really struggled with going wheat-free.  I cried.  I prayed.  I cursed.  I wanted a quick fix.  I've accepted my life as a wheat-free person.  Wheat will never be in my life like it was before Ravebaby was born.  Wheat-free is the way I eat. 

So back to the weight loss thing.  Yes you will lose weight.  You would be surprised at the number of things that have wheat.  If you go wheat-free, you need to be strict.  Once you go strict you realize that unless this is a life/health thing, it ain't fun and you go back to wheat. 

Here is the number one reason I say don't go wheat-free unless you have to: It Takes Work!  Much like any diet, you have to plan.  I have to plan all of my meals.  I can't just go out and pick up a burger.  No just heating up a Hot Pocket for lunch.  No bucket of chicken for dinner.  Being wheat-free is inconvenient.  Being wheat-free and going out to eat requires you to speak up; you have to pester/educate the waitstaff.  You have to plan.

What I miss most of my wheat filled day?  Convenience.  Seriously, the days of going to McDonald's for nuggets are missed only for the convenience it held.  I don't miss the food with wheat anymore.  I've found replacements for all of my favorites.  I've found food that I prefer wheat-free, like Udi's Chocolate Muffins, OMG!  Really, I miss paying $1 for a loaf bread instead of going to the specialty health-food store and paying $5 for a loaf that is smaller. 

I have to think out going out to eat; this is especially a problem when I'm going out with others.  How about pizza?  Sorry, can't Martha doesn't eat wheat.  Burgers?  Well I can just get it bunless. (Sad looks all around.)  Even sushi is a problem.  Notice I said I'm not strict anymore.  Sushi is why.  I never have my wheat-free soy sauce.  I have cut back on my soy sauce usage.  I try to avoid eel sauce.  I love sushi.  DD doesn't react so I allow myself to use regular soy sauce. 

Like I've said, I would go wheat-free for my family again without hesitation.  No hamburger is worth my DD screaming in pain.  No fried pie is worth my child being sick.  You want to go wheat-free to lose weight, go for it but don't say I didn't warn you.

Before going wheat-free, circa 2007

Post-30 lb weigh loss

Potty Learning

Ravebaby is 28 months old.  I want her to learn to use the potty.  I have to be honest, I've pushed her.  I've tried and tried to get her to use the potty.  About a month ago she started wanting to use the potty.  The catalyst?  The Potty Dance from Pull-ups.  Ravebaby sings it all of the time but if it helps motivate her then I'll be singing it. 

I want this girl using the potty.  I don't want to buy any more diapers or trainers.  I also don't want to have a 3 year old that isn't using the potty at least trying to use the potty. 
I like the term potty learning.  I saw another blogger using the term and I really like it.  It sounds like a more gentle approach.  I don't want to push her beyond her limits.  I want her to feel like she is making the decisions because she's making the decisions.  I want her to feel empowered. 

So how am I doing this?  It ain't easy.  I'm giving her naked time.  She enjoys the freedom of naked time and asks for it.  She gets more naked time after using the potty or if she's just wet a diaper then I give her naked time.  I don't want her to have accidents so I try to set her up for success.  I try to encourage her to sit on the potty.  She doesn't always use it but even just playing the area is a success I think. 

Is it working?  Well today I get a poop and a pee in the potty.  She started with naked time first thing this morning.  It was a risk but I have to let her try.  She did start to poop on the quilt but I stopped her and she finished on the potty!  Success.  I can wash the quilt.  She was so proud of herself.  Later on she was still enjoying naked time and and started a pee.  I caught her and ran her to the potty and she finished there.  Success.  I want to her learn the feeling of her needs to poop and pee.  Maybe I'm taking the long way there but I think she's learning.  We'll see.

Wordless Wednesday: Easter guitar

More Boob! (Warning: Picture included)

I feel like I need to change my name to More Boob.  That seems to be Ravebaby's number one thing to say.  She has a pretty big vocabulary but when it comes to me, she says More Boob.  Sometimes she sings it to the tune of Shave and a haircut.  Most time its just a demand, More Boob!

There are times that I think I want to wean her.  I do tell her no.  I don't really want to wean her.  I want her to finish nursing when she is done with nursing but there are days when I'm touched out.  I want her to leave me alone.  I want to keep my bra in its place for longer than an hour.  I don't want to nurse her at 6 am and 9 am and on and on. 

Most days are not that bad.  She's busy and barely remembers to nurse.  Most evenings are okay too.  It's just when I have a supply dip that she seems to be on me all day.  This last week has been hard.  My period started unexpected on Saturday.  I guess I should have see it coming since Ravebaby had been in my lap all week.  Seriously, this kid just knows. 

I just tend to get touched out.  I love DD and nursing her is a great way to stay connected.  But when she's on me like white on rice, I just want to explode.  There really are days that she seem to forget to nurse at all.  She might nurse at lunch and then at bedtime.  That is part of the problem, I get use to not nursing.  When she gets into nurse all the time mode, it's a hard transition for me. 

We won't wean yet.  Even if she just nurses a couple of times a day, they are sessions that keep us connected and ultimately when she does wean I'll wish I had those times back.  God willing my daughter will live to be 100 and in the grand scheme of things, 2+ years of nursing will be a tiny speck of time.

 I've even started to let her nurse in public again.  I keep going back to nursing in public because so many people seem to be against it.  If you read Twitter, so many people get brave and diss us nursing mommas.  Really most people are too chicken-shit to say anything to you in public.  Really, I don't use a cover, I'm nursing a 2 year old and never ever have I had anyone say anything.  I guess I feel like I have to put my money where my mouth is.  If I want to be an advocate then I have to walk to the walk or in my case nurse the baby.  I mean people are really scared to nurse in public.  They are afraid someone will say something to them but if they see someone else doing it then they tend to feel more comfortable.  Really, the public in general would rather you nurse your baby than hear your baby scream and cry.  It's just a little boob.  We all have nipples.  There are men with huge man-boobs that walk around shirtless all the time so why should I care if you get a view of some boob.  My boobs are pretty fab.  At least DD thinks so :)

Running off the weekend

On Saturday, DH, Audrey (Ravebaby) and I went to This Won't Suck '12 in Shreveport, LA.  We caught a ride on the Social Bliss Will of Fire van.  It was fun!  We know Social Bliss from their local jigs and in fact Max, the lead singer, is DH's guitar teacher and DD just loves him.  We caught the van at 3 pm and I got into my bed at 3 am.  It was a long day.  Ravebaby did wonderfully!  Honestly she was better than some of the "adults." :)

Before going on the van, I had the unpleasant discovery of my period starting.  I knew something was going on with me.  I had had no energy all week.  I told DH on Friday that I was worried that my hormones were just off.  Sure enough, my period started 2 weeks early.  I had thought it was time for a pregnancy test but Saturday's discovery proved that would not be necessary.  I'm sad about it.  I want another baby but I have to trust that God knows best and just deal.

As part of dealing I send Sunday in bed.  I was cramping so badly.  I hadn't hurt like that in ages.  I missed church on Easter.  I was just in too much pain.  On the upside, my energy is back.

Today I ran my Week 7 Day 1 of Couch-to-5k.  It felt so good to run.  Just run and think.  Think it out and keep running.  This week has 3 25-min runs.  It felt good to run.  I didn't run very fast but unlike my last run with stomach cramps, this was easy and I kept a steady pace.  My hip isn't hurting anymore.  I'm stretching.  I'm adding planks, sit-ups and push-ups.  Not too many just a couple to start building up my upper body.  So I ran off the weekend.

Here is Social Bliss from Saturday's jig.  You can actually see Ravebaby on stage dancing with Girlilla and the Tutu crew. 

25 min run

So yesterday I completed Week 6 Day 3 of Couch-to-5K.  It was a 25 min run.  My first 25 min run in years!  It hurt.  I kept getting stomach aches during the run.  Every time I would feel my stomach crap I would push myself harder.  I was not going to quit!  Once I slowed down to my cool-down, I had to hurry to the bathroom, just barely made it.  Maybe pushing was not the best idea but I did it!  I ran my 25 minutes.  From here on out the C25k runs are all long runs.  Week 7 is 3 25-min runs.  If I did it once with my stomach hurting then I'll kick ass this next week. 

I've actually been looking for a 5k to run before my next birthday.  I've been dreaming of actually doing some races and eventually moving up a 10k and one day a marathon.  I've always wanted to run a marathon but with my ass on the couch for the last 15 years, the idea was just that an idea.  I'm looking forward to the push.  I'm discovering just how strong I really am.  I'm discovering that it's not about the scale or the dress size, it's about getting off your ass.  I'm never going to win the Boston marathon but maybe I'll actually run some day.

Yesterday's power music was Wait Wait Don't tell me from NPR.  I'm loving listening to Wait, wait.  I'm thinking of trying an audio book next.  You can download free podcasts from Wait, wait's webpage.  If you haven't listened to an episode, do it!  I love Wait Wait!

20 min run next to public enemy #1

Okay so it wasn't that bad.  The dude is actually very nice but today he and some really old dude had to talk about Trayvon Martin.  These dudes were white (point of fact).  They were both in agreement that Trayvon probably deserved it and that the other dude was justified in shooting.  I wanted to puke.  I had just started my 20 min run and I was struggling to push myself to run and here these guys are talking about how some kid deserved to die because he was in a hoodie in a place he shouldn't have been and that the media was using a baby picture to make the other guy seem horrible. 

I've purposely avoided talking about Trayvon.  It hurts to think about it.  I'm a mom.  My husband is black and that means, God willing, that I'll have a son who is black.  DH and I plan to live in a "nice" neighborhood.  I can't think about it without thinking it could happen to me.  I could be Trayvon's mom.  DH loves to wear a hoodie.  In fact he usually dresses as the Uni-bomber for Halloween in a dark gray hoodie.  Since when does what you wear determine whether or not you live?  Have we gotten to the point that life means so little? 

So today I ran 20 mins.  I didn't want to.  The old dudes nearly made me quit.  I had my headphones in and I pretended to be into my run.  I wanted to say something.  Between Fox News on the TV and the dudes next to me, I just wanted to leave.  How do you push to make yourself better when the world seems to only see you by the pigments of your skins?  I can't tell you how many times I've been mistaken as the cleaning lady instead of the teacher/librarian.  I didn't stop.  I kept running.  Every time I wanted to quit I pushed harder.  Rather than let someone who doesn't know me determine my life, I used it to push myself to be better.  I know these old dudes are entitled to their opinion same as me.  Life teaches us to look at things and make judgments based on our own experiences.  None of us know all of the facts in the case so me jumping on some old dude's case wouldn't do anything.  Besides I would have started crying and then I would have lost all creditability.   

So what did I learn today?  I can run 20 mins straight!  I also learned that only I can determine how I do in this life.  I might live to be 100 or die on the way home but my life is just that my life.  I can't be scared to do something because of what someone else might think.  For every person that sees me as the cleaning lady, there are just as many who's life I've changed through teaching or heck just by breathing.  I've got to do me.  Right now I am a wife, mother and a runner in training. 

Today at Standpipe after my run.

Wordless Wednesday: Galaxy Express & babywearing

Music is an experience

So yesterday I headed down to my favorite local coffee, Standpipe, and had an interesting exchange with the barista I'll call Jailbait (JB).  He was saying something about changing the music up and I replied that he could put on whatever since I would just tune it out if I didn't like it.  He got a bit indignant and said music is to be experienced.  After that he put on What is Love by Haddaway.  I like the song and I was excited.  JB then called me old.  But it did make me think not about my oldness but about the idea of music as an experience and my oldness too but anyways.

I went home and started posting youtube videos for songs that have meant something to me over the years.  This morning I woke up and remembered a test for Gardner's Multiple Intelligences that I had taken several years ago that had music as one of my top areas of intelligence. Here is the chart:

My MI chart

So I have always found it interesting that music is one of my areas since I don't play a musical instrument or sing very well but I live my life in music.  Every time and place has a song or tune attached.  People have their songs in my head.  Like DH is Crazy Love by Brian McKnight.  Audrey is All my life by K-Ci & Jojo.  My mom is Triangulo by Los Babys.  Standpipe is Start wearing Purple by Gogol Bordello.  The time DH took me to the Roanoke Science Museum is You're Beautiful by James Blunt.  Giving birth is Songbird by Eva Cassidy.  Even JB has a song, Sexy and I know it by LMFAO.

Music is an experience.  JB was right.  I always have a song in my head.  I work best if I have music on.  I have Belinda Carlisle's Greatest Hit playing even now.  Music is a must in my life.  If you see me walking around I'm usually bopping to some beat.  If I'm not careful I tend to sing out loud.  Music is an experience.

Miracle-Gro Expand' n Gro

This is a Sponsored post written by me on behalf of Scotts® for SocialSpark. All opinions are 100% mine.

So I have a black thumb.  Truly I kill things.  Honestly the only time I've been able to grow anything was when I use Miracle-Gro.  So when I saw an ad for Miracle-Gro Expand ‘n Gro™, I got excited.  If I can keep things alive in regular Miracle-Gro, just wait until I get my hands on the new stuff.  You can use it in the ground or in a hanging plant.  I've been wanting to start an herb garden but the idea of spending money on plants I'm just going to kill doesn't sit well with me so the timing could not be better. 

My number one issue, I'm lazy.  If I have to remember to feed a plant then the plant isn't going to make it.  Miracle-Gro makes it easy to take care of plants.  With a formula that feeds plants for up to 6 months, how can you go wrong?  And because it's Miracle-Gro you still get the benefit of 3x the flowers and veggies vs putting them in the native soil.  3x the plants and more work than the usual, yes please, I'll take two!

As a cool factor, Expand 'n Gro actually grows.  You add water and then it expands up to 3 times!  I'm seeing a science lesson here.  I can just hear the questions now.  Why does it do that?  How does it do that?  Does all dirt do that?  Did you know they use natural fibers from coconuts (called Coir) to make the soil expand!?  Along with expanding, it actually holds water, which is a huge plus for someone like me who tends to forget to water.
 

So it's time to plant.  Time to get your garden ready and to see the fruits of your labor all summer long.  Right now you can get a free sample of Miracle-Gro Expand 'n Go.  Here's more information:

 

Did you adopt her?

So Saturday, I took Audrey to the Nacogdoches Spring Fling.  It was a girls only trip.  I was going to support my girls from LLL of Nac and to go to the Farmer's Market which I had never been to. 

There were lots of activities for Miss Audrey and we had fun walking around and catching up with the girls.  While we were at one table a little girl came over to us and asked, very politely, "Did you adopt her?"  I had never been asked that before and I a bit stunned to be honest.  What do you say to that question?  I mean I had never really thought much about it that anyone would think that she wasn't my kid.  She looks a lot like DH but she looks like me too. 

I think the most interesting part was the woman who was across from us and her reaction.  She perked up and turned to me and said, kinda with a giggle, "Kids will say anything that comes to mind."  And then she kind of leaned in to hear the answer and I guess my reaction. 

I guess from the outside looking in, it might be fun.  What is this adult going to say?  I could go all nuclear on her.  I could be cool and ignore it.  I could have a great answer.  My answer was none of these things.  I simply looked at her and said, "Honey, she's mine.  Her daddy is dark but I had her."  Plain and simple.  Easy and truthful.  She was a child and she had a question and I was the only person who could answer. 

How would you react?  I just went into teacher/librarian mode and answered the question.  What else could I do?  I'm glad that I got the question.  I had never thought about it.   An adult would not be so nice.  An adult would ask with judgment.  So would my reaction to an adult be different?  My guess is yes.  How could I stay calm and chill when someone is making a value call on my child?  I'm use to questions/judgments on my marriage.  Can't be in an interracial relationship for over 16 years and not have a ready response to, "Why you marry one of our men?" but that is a different blog post all together.  But when it comes to my child, that is a whole different territory.

I have no clue how to start the race dialogue with Audrey.  I know she notices.  Black men are daddy.  I've heard her point to pictures and say it.  I do correct her.  No that's not daddy.  What do I say?  No honey, random black dude.  I've not heard her say it when she sees a picture of Hispanic women but then I would be with her and she could easily compare.  I know she knows there is a difference.  How do I vocalize it?  How do I explain it to her?

I remember when my niece asked about it.  DH and I been together 16 years and our oldest niece is 15 so she's always known me and I've always been with her uncle.  I'm her aunt.  She was in school like st grade I think.  Her teacher must have said something because as relied to us by my sister-in-law, our niece and came home and say, "[Uncle] and Martha aren't the same color are they?"  She didn't know because we never told her.  But Audrey is different.  Audrey is biracial/bi-cultural.  Bi-coloredness is part of her identity.  I think I'll be visiting some bi-cultural mom blogs and see how they are handling it.  I feel so unprepared for the race talk.

5 mins of running

So today was Week 4 Day 3 of my C25k challenge and it was not easy.  I really had to reach down deep inside to finish that last run.  I had to run up a hill.  I actually grunted very loudly to get up that hill.  Some lady was looking at me as I rounded the hill.  I actually did all 4 runs.  I was slow as hell but I got them down.

I am actually a bit concerned about running on Saturday.  I'm suppose to move on to Week 5, which is 3 5 min runs.  I just don't know if I can do it.   I just feel like I really really struggled to finish that 2nd 5 min run.  How can I possibly handle 3 5 min runs?  But then again I didn't think I could handle even one 5 min run and today I finished 2.  It would actually be 1 min less of running total.

This is such a mind game with myself.  I really find myself pushing myself and talking me through each run.  After all who in the world cares if I ever run again?  This is a goal/challenge I set for me and I have to do it.  In that same vein, I am beginning to find that my hip is starting to really hurt.  I'm stretching before and after each run.  I'm taking ibuprofen.  I'm swearing off high heels.  I think I need to break down and use some ice.  I am my own worst enemy.  I am my own competition.  I am my own champion.  I will do this.  Bum hip and all . . .

Pushing through song of the day: This river is wild by The Killers

Fuck you lazy Martha!

Today was a true test of commitment to running.  At noon, I struggled to get out of a chair so I decided I should skip today's C25k run.  Who would know?  Who would care?

Lazy Martha was working hard to justify staying home.  Get off your ass (GOYA) Martha was just not stepping up to the plate.  My hip was hurting but too badly.  My feet were sore from wearing high heels last night.  I had so many reasons to skip.  Then all of sudden GOYA Martha stepped up!  If I don't go today then I have to go Monday morning and then to work.  It makes the morning tight.  If I wait until Monday night then I'm tried from the workday.  Tuesday we have gymnastics with Audrey so no gym time.

1pm when the gym opened up I got off my ass and went to run!  I did it!  I actually ran all 4 runs from C25K.  I felt so good once I got that last run done.  So I think I put lazy Martha in her place.  My next run should be Tuesday but I'll go Wednesday morning then I'll be into week 5.  Almost half way to a 5K! 

Today's song: Roam by the B52s

Couch to 5k - Why bother?

So I started doing Couch to 5k almost a month ago.  Yesterday I ran Week 4 Day 1.  I say I ran, I more like ran most of it and then wanted to die but finished strong!  Lets be honest, it kicked my ass. 

So why do it?  Well that is a bit more complicated.  Back in the day I ran cross country.  Strangely I ended up in class on accident and just loved the team and coach so I stayed.  I was never very good.  The girl's races were 2 miles.  I think my best time was like 18 mins or so.  I was never fast but I always finished.  I never in the 3 years quit a race, not even in the hot deep East Texas August heat.  After my last race Senior year, I was done.  I stopped running and started sitting.  About 60 lbs later, I decided to get off my ass.  I've had many many stops and starts on my way back to running.  I've started various C25K programs but always quit for one reason or another.  My last stop was an injury.  I injuried my hip; the doctor calls it bursitis.  After a few months of R&R, like close to 9, I decided to get off my ass again. 

The motivation to run is complicated.  I'm not at the runner's high part yet.  Right now it's all in my head.  I can do it!  It's me verses me.  I want to prove to myself that I can do it.  Why do I care?  I've really struggled in the last few years to find me.  I was happy in Viriginia with my little family and then we moved back to Texas and my career was thrown in a new direction.  The career thing has really had me down.  I left a job I loved and took a job I was sure I could do.  Time proved that could I take a beating but that I wasn't ready for the job.  I felt a bit out of control.  Yes, I have control issues.  How do I get back in control?  This is were the running comes in.  Going running is something I choose to do; I have to be self motivated to go.  If I miss that is on me.  I make the excuses.  I reap the rewards. 

DH has been very supportive.  We've been together since back in the XC days.  If I feel better about me then it's better for all of us.  I have more energy.  I have more self confidence.  I have more peace.  Even after having my ass handed to me by that last run, I feel great.  I ran more yesterday than the day before.  I've like quadrupaled my running from a month ago.  I'm not race ready.  The program is about 9 weeks and I might take longer.  I'm hoping to do a 5k by next b-day so I've got about 2 months.  Plenty of time to train and actually complete a race.  I'm not running for the glory.  I'm too slow for any glory.  I'm running for the peace and calm it brings me.

Oh by the way I'm using the Get Running app on my iPhone along with my Work-it-out playlist. I think I need less Dusty Springfield and more The Killers on my list. Just saying.  Below my favorite running song. 

Wordless Wednesday: Walrus and me