Wordless Wednesday: Punx

#Mamavation Monday: I need a partner. In crime

I don't know about the rest of you but I really struggle to work out on my own. When DH was working out with me, I was on the ball. How wants to give their partner yet another to rag on them about? I would get off my ass and workout. Now that DH is out due to illness and back trouble I just can't get into the rhythm of a daily workout. I have managed to workout every Monday but that is about all. I must get off my butt. I miss running but I am lacking an armband and like a good whiny bitch I am letting it keep me down. DH is finally getting us an infusion of cash so I am buying my armband and am getting off my ass. Must get off my ass!

Oh I forgot to tell you ladies that I am in the process of applying for a doctorate program in education to start n the Fall. I really want to make working out a habit now because once that program start I will have 100 excuses! I just need a way to distress and working out/running has been a God-send. I will do it!

“This post is sponsored by Beanitos and Mamavation – a community dedicated to obesity prevention & weight loss for women and I’m writing this to be entered into a giveaway” at the bottom of your post.

#Mamavation Monday: kicking ass

So in general I have allowed myself a week to feel fat and feel sorry for myself for gaining some weight.  That is now over!

This week I am kicking ass and taking names.  I have several projects in the works, most important my application to a doctorate program.  I need to finish writing my leadership profile.   Basically I need to write 10 pages bragging on my leadership skills.  I kick ass!

So that is my task for the week: KICK ASS!

Music Monday: Walking with a Ghost

Watch "The White Stripes - Walking with a Ghost" on YouTube

Latest song I am learning on the bass.

Unworthy

So I feel unworthy. I do not feel worthless. To feel worthless, I think means to feel like you are ignored or unseen. I do not feel ignored or unseen. To say I feel unworthy, I mean I feel unworthy of compliments, gifts, sometimes even love. I always feel worthy of criticism, insults and judgement.

DH says I am always ready to see the worst of me. I am never good enough. I am never smart enough. I am never pretty enough. I am never nice enough. I don't speak up enough. I always feel as if I fall short.

I do agree that I never take a compliment well. I always roll them off my back comeback with an insult or attack on myself. Compliments always feel like a setup for the real thought which is always an insult (in my mind). As Dr. Phil says when you say but take everything said before the but and throw it out, the real meaning is everything after. I am always waiting on the but. You are pretty but. . . You are such a hard worker but. . .

Yet on the other hand, if you start with the criticism I only hear the criticism not the compliment after. I am truly more comfortable hearing how horrible I am. If you tell me I am such a bitch. I have no problem with that. I might even chime in with examples. Like tearing me down is easy. I am just so comfortable in that.

I am not looking for compliments. I hear all of time that I am hard to figure out. I just don't think I am. At heart I feel unworthy of good stuff. At heart I feel like I am horrible person. There are good people. There are people who deserve good things. I am not one of them.

If anything, I am asking for compassion for my husband. Poor man. I don't think I really understand how hard this is for him. He wants to know that his love makes me feel good and it does. I do feel his love. I trust in his love. I just don't feel like I deserve it. I feel like he can do better. I feel like he deserves better. I am trying. I am more positive about me these days verses say pre-Ravebaby but I want to see the good in myself before I see the bad. I mean I can't be as bad as Hitler, right. Surely people don't lump me with Stalin. I am no Mother Teresa or Princess Di. I am just doing what I can. For better or worse, I am me. My inner voice leaves a lot to be desired. I really wish my inner bitch would go away.

So if you are wondering what I am think, it is probably me just think about where I fall short. Today, I feel fat because I am fat. Today I feel stupid because I used the wrong your, you're. Today I feel unworthy because I said something someone didn't want to hear. I am comparing myself to someone and I am falling short.

I do appreciate your kind words. I know it is hard to say something nice to someone you know will throw them back in your face. I love getting stuff but I can't help to think that the money could have/should have gone to better use or on a better person. I am trying. Just takes a long time to look in the mirror and see something different.

Random Recipe: #glutenfree Dirt Cake

Dirt Cake-

2 packages of Schar Chocolate O's Cookies (5.8 oz)

1package cream cheese (8oz) soften

1/2 stick butter soften

1 cup confectioners sugar

1 large cool whip (16 oz) thawed - I just buy two 8oz tubs

2 small (four serving size) instant vanilla pudding

2 cups of milk -- can use a little more if it seems thick up to 3 cups

(Check your ingredients to make sure they are gluten-free!)


Crush cookies, i suggest you crush each package one its own then use one for top and one for the bottom) and set aside. In a medium bowl, mix butter, cream cheese and sugar and set this aside. In medium mix milk, pudding and cool whip. Fold into cream cheese mixture. In a medium casserole dish, layer cookies, pudding mixture ending with cookies. You can top with spoonfuls of cool whip and candy flowers or gummy worms. KEEP REFRIGERATED.

This is a special recipe. It is based on one from my friend Brianna, may she rest in peace. By the way it was so good my nemesis actually ate seconds and he hates gf food!

Wordless Wednesday: carrot & peanut butter frosting

Local Music Tuesday: The Factory

Today I am highlighting The Factory. Why highlight The Factory? Well it is the home turf of one Max Reynolds, a budding mega star (in Korea). The Factory is where quiet shy librarians go to become punk rock bassist! It is where physicists go to become blues guitar legends. It is where toddlers go try their little hands at all things music. In other words given half a chance the Wheatless Family lives at The Factory.

I have the honor of being one of the few people to have never missed a single show. The Factory opened its doors in January of 2012 and the last Friday of this month it will be celebrating its one year anniversary show. You must come down. You will love it.

Seriously we have fun at The Factory. As Ravebaby says: we are family at The Factory. Join the family!

I've included a few videos so you can feel The Factory. Enjoy!

Mamavation Monday: damn scale

So I weighted myself a couple of weeks ago. Remember how I said I never weight myself cause it messes with my head? Well it has messed with my head. I am feeling fat all because I had found out I was 10 lbs heavier than I thought. 10 lbs in the grand scheme of things is nothing. I lose 30 or so going wheatfree and have kept 20 of that off for the last three years! Not too bad. I need to cut myself a break. I am slowly going back to running and working out. Very slowly going back!

I have started doing my power 90 strength training and cardio. I tried the abs 100 and it kicked my butt. However I spent most of last week nursing a hurt back. It hurt! I took Tuesday til Friday. I went for a 17 min run on Saturday and hit 2k or just under 1.5 miles. Really not horrible for having a three month break from running. I went slow and I want to work my way back to about 10 miles a week. I had been doing so good! I am aiming for a half mary. I can do it! I can do it. I can do it?

Anyways, I feel fat. I am not fat. I just feel fat. I guess you could in fact fight the assessment of my fatness but whatever! I will keep working out and keep moving. I am also working hard to eat cleaner. So more cooking and planning ahead. I know that if we eat at home I will feel better because I will know what I am putting in my body. I am also going to do better about packing my lunch so that I am not stressing in the morning and worrying about what I am going to eat. I must plan ahead!

This post is sponsored by Mamavation – a community dedicated to obesity prevention & weight loss for women and I’m writing this to be entered into a giveaway” at the bottom of your post.

Local Music Tuesday: The Standpipe Coffee House

There are a few places to go in Lufkin for music. You can head to The Factory, the home of Social Bliss, for their once a month rock show for the whole family. There is also The Standpipe Coffee House, also know as The Pipe or The Standy. This coming weekend they have a rocking show: Max Reynolds will open for JT Woodruff and Mark Rose.. While most shows at The Pipe are free this one will have a $5 cover. So excellent coffee, music, company and a great family place. See you there!

If you don't know, Standpipe records After Hours programs and post them to YouTube. Here is the first After Hours:

Mamavation Monday: 2013 goals?

So here is the reality of me at the moment, I have no clue what my fitness goals are for 2013.  I want to run a marathon but for this year I have my eyes on a half-marathon.   I feel like I can do.  I feel like this is a not scary goal.  Maybe I am selling myself short. Maybe I just don't believe in myself enough but I also don't want to set myself up for failure.  I am sure I can in the next 12 months work my way to that half-marathon.  But that isn't the only thing on my mind.  I want a baby.  I have spent the last 6 months waiting for a positive pregnancy test.  Each month my period comes and my hope fades.  I am not going to work my life around a baby that mgjt never come but I also want to keep myself open to a babu and therefore a change in fitness goals.

We'll see what the next year brings.  Maybe a baby, maybe a completed marathon.   I am open.

So here are the stats for the beginning of the year:
Weight: 221
Height: 5'4"
Chest: 47"
Waist: 44"
Hips: 48"

This post is sponsored by Schick Intuition and hosted by Mamavation – a community dedicated to obesity prevention & weight loss for women and I’m writing this to be entered into a giveaway.

Wordless Wednesday: potty buddy

Mamavation Monday: soda less 2013

Two weeks ago at my first Mamavation chat, BookieBoo challenged us to cut out all soda from out diets. Not diet allowed either. In the time we went wheatless I started drinking soda again as a reward to myself. I was giving up wheat so I needed something to make myself feel normal. That started me on a soda a day habit. A horrible habit and one that in the time previous to going wheatfree had been totally broken.

DH hates soda and when we got married he banned it from the house. See going to Mexico for vacations with my Grandparents meant drinking Coke. In fact for awhile it was the safest thing to drink. It was just what we drank. We would trade in the glass bottles for more soda. Rich people drank Pepsi. Soda was a safer choice to water. But this the US and water is safe to drink so I gave up sodas and would really only have it when I was out with friends. I often gave it up for Lent and would spend about 6 months of the year totally soda free.

So I had my first soda in two weeks yesterday at a party and it make me sick. Like I had detoxed and was poisoning myself again. So 2013 will be soda free. I am kicking the habit once and for all. Ravebaby was beginning to want to drink soda. She would see me with one and want one too. Ravebaby isn't going down the soda path. So its over. Soda and I are officially broken up.

Here is a link to an awesome article from Dr. Momma on the affects of soda on the body.

Music Monday: Christmas music

Open up or die trying

Last nights year end review had a beautiful image. Someone mentioned hatching. The idea that a new person emerged. After it was said it was the word that we all kept using because it was the best way to describe this year. We all hatched. 2012 was a year of lots of change. Change is hard but if you go with the idea of the egg getting out of egg isn't easy. If you don't try, if you don't break open when it is time then you die. You can't be an egg forever. Hatch or die. Open to the world or never see it.

This year has been full of change for me. I feel like I am learning to listen. I feel like I am learning to ask for help. I feel like I am learning to receive help. I hate to quote OWN but this particular idea really has changed my mindset. I have to be prepared to receive.. I can not just ask for help I have to be ready to receive it. I have to accept it. I can't expect people to come to me be rejected and then keep coming back. I must be open to receive. So I am getting open. I am going to see those chances and accept them.

Of course the other side of the coin is being open to giving. For this is turn to Billy Bob Thornton in Love Actually, "I'll give you anything you ask as long as it is something I am willing to give." So true. I give freely. My money my time what little wisdom I have. What I don't give too freely is my emotional state of mind. I rarely talk about my feelings. In part I do that here and I don't like to rehash things again and again and in part because I find people don't have time. I am the soundboard. I don't use the soundboard. Outside of DH and this blog it is very rare for me to open up about things. A good example would be Brianna. I have written at length about her here and hours and hours with DH but I have barely mentioned her to anyone else. She changed my life and yet I haven't mentioned her outside of my safe circle. So I'm going to get more open. When people give me the chance I will take it. I will open up. Not because it would be a benefit to anyone else but sometimes you should bounce off of another human rather than a blog.

2013 is right around the corner. What will this new year bring? What will I feel, do, say? Will I make the world a better place? Will my band finally settle on a name and play a gig? I can't wait to see.

You ain't funny

So yesterday DH was complaining that he wanted fried chicken. Well not that he want the fried chicken really but the familiness of having chicken and that if we pick up regular fried chicken with sitting and peeling it it would loss the whole point. My response was as follows, "well it's okay, watermelon is out of season anyway." His response, if you weren't my wife I would push you out of this car right now.

Apparently 17 years together, 11 of them married and one kid do not make me black enough to make "those" kinds of jokes. Interracial marriage is fun!

TMI Thursday: ghost babies

Just so you know this post will involve talking about my period. If you do not want to know even more about my flow, uterus, and sex life then come back on Friday this post is not for you.

Okay girls and creepy guys, so honestly honestly I think I just had an early miscarriage. This would be my third one. My first was when I first got married then when we first started trying for a baby back 6 years ago. So what the hell am I talking about. I just read a blog post validating early pregnancy and miscarriages. These are pregnancies that a pee test might not get. They are pregnancies that you know but seem to end before you can officially find out. No one but you and maybe your partner know about it. I call it a ghost baby. You can feel him/her but you'll never be able to prove it.

So why do I think I had a ghost baby? Before my period started, I felt different. I was just about to take a pregnancy test actually. Then my period started on time. I was a bit confused. I could have sworn I was pregnant. I was exhausted. My sense of smell was beyond on target. My boobs were swelling. I felt a spirit with me. Since I started on time I thought maybe I was just wrong. My period has been very heavy this time around. Day 3 was hellish, my day 3 is normally pretty chill this is almost over kinda day. I was so bloody for a minute I thought I was hemorrhaging. I actually took a nap I was so tired. Today is day 4. Tradition this is my last day. I was still bleeding pretty heavily this morning. I am tossing clots left and right. (See TMI, aren't you glad I warned you.) it was a ghost baby.

I was talking to DH about it earlier. I don't feel bad. The first ghost baby, I was so mainstream that I barely knew anything had happened. It is only now looking back that I recognize what happened. My second ghost baby really hurt. When we were trying for a baby having that baby taken away just crushed both of us. I think DH is right about this time around, we know God's timing is always right so if it is not time for this baby then the timing is not right. I guess I've grown up a little.

I want another baby. Ravebaby is 3 and I was hoping to have another baby by now. So feeling like I've lost a baby does shake me. What if I can't have any more children? Doubt enters my mind. Maybe I am not worthy? I know when the time is right it will happen. I will trust in The Lord and in my intuition. I was pregnant. I had a miscarriage. We are in uterus reset mode (also know as my period). We will keep trying. My body can do this. He/she will try to come earth side some other time. I have faith.

Wordless Wednesday: the birthday girl

Happy Birthday Ravebaby!

Today is Ravebaby's 3rd birthday.  I don't know were the time has gone!  Today also marks 36 months a breastfeeding for Ravebaby and me.  She's not ready to stop.  Not sure how much longer I am willing to go but we'll just see.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY RAVEBABY!

Mamavation Monday: The Scale

So I don't own a scale.  I honestly have zero clue how much I currently weight.  I decided to toss the lbs number when my weight didn't change after 4 months of training for a 5k.  How in the world did I not lose a single pound when I went from zero exercise to running or training to run a 5k?  No diet changes for the good or bad.  Just added running every other day per my C25k training plan.

DH would roll his eyes everytime I would mention my lack of weight loss.  To his credit he would point out that he could tell my body was changing.  He could see me getting smaller.  I could see me getting smaller.  Why isn't the scale changing?  Since DH is a physicist, his response was very scientific, it is just the pull of gravity.

Why do I care how gravity pulls on me?  Maybe the Earth is just hugging me close :)  So I have not weighted myself in months.  My best guess is about 210.  Some people might wonder why I am sharing such a large number.  Well I am not ashamed.  It is just a number.  I am still a wonderful wife, mother, & friend.  So if you want to send some cute and sexy big girl clothes my way, size 14, go right ahead.  I am fabulous no matter what I weight!  And I'll let you in on a secret, you are too!

 This post is sponsored Dole and Mamavation – a community dedicated to obesity prevention & weight loss for women and I’m writing this to be entered into a giveaway

Guilt, tragedy, and birthdays

It feels so silly to have had a birthday party yesterday. Ravebaby will be 3 tomorrow but in light of Friday's events, I honestly felt guilty. Guilty because my daughter will be turning 3 tomorrow. I can celebrate and hug her and kiss her.

I try to live my life so that people know that I acknowledge them as people and that I respect our connection in the circle of life. I want to believe we all matter in each other's lives and Friday there was a huge disturbance in the force. I read another bloggers post about Friday and I think he out it beautifully. I don't want to see those faces, parents, children, victims, because I can't deal with the loss. The world has changed. Lights have gone out. The future is different. It is not just the lights of the children but of the parents.

Just thinking of losing Ravebaby puts such sadness in my heart that I just can image. I feel guilty for wanting to avoid it all. I want to make sure that I am giving my time and energy to Ravebaby and DH. We are all on limited time. The guilt of taking it for granted. The guilt of celebrating that it was not my kid. The guilt of feeling helpless. The guilt of knowing I am far from helpless.

Rest in Peace Bishop Walter Sullivan

Bishop Walter Sullivan was the Bishop Emeritus of the Diocese of Richmond. Honestly I met him a couple of times. I don't think I ever actually talked to him. He really changed my life.

When I arrived at Hollins back in the Fall of 1997, I was a very uptight traditional Mexican Catholic, lots of kneeling, rosaries, rules, and shaming. It was not until I attended my very first Mass at Hollins that I discovered that kneeling wasn't a requirement for Mass. It wasn't until Catholic life in Virginia that I discovered that the Church wanted Young Adults getting involved. It wasn't until Bishop Walter Sullivan that I discovered social justice.

I could go on and on about the impact that his leadership in Richmond affected me. How it made me a better person. How I learned that rules were great but thoughts and words were the true measure of Christian love.

It was not until I heard that Bishop Sullivan had cancer eight days ago, that I really took a moment to think about his impact on me. Yesterday he went back to God. I know I am better because of him. I cannot measure it. I cannot explain it. I just feel it. Actually more important than that I live it. Thank you Bishop Sullivan.

Wordless Wednesday: Gluten Free Empanada

Local Music Tuesday: The Rusty Shacklefords

The Rusties or The Shax as their devoted followers call them are local to Bossier City/Shreveport LA area. The first time I caught them was at their very first show ever at The Factory here in Lufkin. I have blogged about their bassist Medusa before. I love her and she is totally my inspiration for playing bass. The whole band is lovely and a total hoot to hang with. Check them out!

Mamavation Monday: joining a sisterhood

So I have recently heard of a great place called Mamavation. It's a space for moms to help each and motivate each other to become healthier! As you know since last Feburary, I have been on a personal challenge to become healthier. It started with wanting to run a 5k before I turned 33. I met my goal, one week before my 33rd birthday I ran my first 5k. I was only 30 secs or so over my goal time of 36 mins.

This is where I journey starts but to be honest I've been slacking. I am still all wheatfree but I have stopped running. The reasons why I stopped running are two fold. One I stopped because I got sick then I seem to lose motivation to start running again. Then I started again but got refocused on trying to build strength and get rid of the batwings. I was doing great. I went from zero girl push ups to being able to being able to do 5 standard "man" push ups. I was happy and sweating and working out with DH. Then the holidays and sickness struck again.

Today I am getting off my butt and jumping back in. So that is the purpose of this post. I need to be accountable. I need a kick in the ass. I am about to hit the hardest part of the year. I have Ravebaby's birthday next Monday and then Christmas, followed by DH's birthday and our 11 year wedding anniversary and close on the heels New Years. I don't want to make a New Years resolution. I want to make a lifetime commitment. I want to join the Sistahood of Mamavation.

Music Monday: Galaxy Express

Today's music is straight from Korea via The Factory here in Lufkin: GALAXY EXPRESS. Ravebaby and I had the pleasure of seeing Galaxy Express live back in March. This video is a promo/preview of the documentary they filmed on that tour. If you look close enough you'll catch a glimpse of Max from Social Bliss in the video. I have no clue what the song is about but the passion is enough to nearly have me in tears. This video shows the softer side of Galaxy Express. They rock hard and their shows rock even harder! Look them up YouTube. I love Naughty Boy. I can almost sing the whole thing. I have no clue what I am saying but I love the song.

Brown Armor

I am Mexican. I look Mexican. I speak Spanish. I can tell you where in Mexico my parents grew up. I know when people see me they see a Mexican woman. I have brown armor. When you see me you have an image of me, my beliefs, and my experience.

What about people who don't look Mexican? What about people without armor? Until last night I don't think I have really thought about it. My brown skin is protection. People see me and will hold their tongue or rethink their words or purposefully attack. Wen your outside does not match your inside, people think they are among friends and don't realize the enemy in front of them. If you are friend I can be me. If you are foe I must be guarded me.

As advanced as we are we see with our eyes and we judge. Even though Mexicans come in all colors, shades, shapes, sizes, and even races, people see me and think Mexican and see Ravebaby and think Black or maybe Dominican. For better or worse we see and we judge. So my brown armor is protection.

It's funny, not haha funny, that because I am brown it is much easier for people to believe I am the cleaning lady than the boss. People will look at me and tell me to go clean the bathroom and to point them to the librarian. Funny. If I speak Spanish then I must be a wetback and an illegal. If I speak English then I am a traitor. I often describe myself as a Wetback American. People see me and want to see the worst stereotype. Mexicans are nannies not CEOs. Mexicans teach Spanish not History. Mexicans steal the books not run the library. So my brown armor is a curse too.

People cannot easily the soul. I have a friend, actually a few, who have Mexican souls. They don't have brown armor. People are honest with them about their views of Mexican never realizing that they are sharing their truth with the enemy. I am jealous of this superpower. My friends can hide in plain sight. People are honest with them. People struggle to be honest with me. People will tolerate me while thinking that my place is in the kitchen. I am brown so they hide. But they don't hide from my friends. My friends can help move me in the safe circle. My friends can help me change minds. My friends know the truth.

I am rambling. I know I am but my mind is rambling. I don't know how to help someone make their outside reflect their insides. To be honest I have no clue why they would want to. Brown armor is a double edge sword. It helps and it hurts. It is protection but limits mobility. It allows the enemy to hide while forcing me to be in the open. Ramble ramble ramble . . .

Christmas wish list 2012

So what do I want for Christmas? I could be all "Christian" and ask for world peace. I could be all mushy and ask for my DH and Ravebaby to suddenly become allergy free. However, I'm not doing that; I want stuff!

Okay really as a kid we had plenty of Christmas' without any presents. It sucked but ultimately I learned that Christmas is not about stuff. I will never forget the first day of school after Christmas my 7th grade year. I got 5 gifts! We all took turns telling what we got and after proudly telling the class I heard that's all you got! I learned that public school kids got lots of stuff for Christmas and that I was poor. My days in Catholic school had not readied me for that! So the point is I know stuff does not make for a good Christmas. Remember I spend Ravebaby's first Christmas in the hospital being called irresponsible for having a homebirth and refusing formula. I know Christmas is family being together and being healthy.

Back to the stuff! I want a car. This will make Christmas number 5 with this on the list. One day one day. I would also like a doughnut maker. It's silly but I miss doughnuts and I need to try making gf doughnuts. I think that is it. Gift cards and cash also gladly accepted :)

Zombie Martha says give me stuff!

Wordless Wednesday: Skulltor

Ravebaby and her new friend Skulltor! (Faces of other folks covered as they have not given permission to be online)

Local music Tuesday: Social Bliss

In an effort to try to promote the local Lufkin scene and to try to get back in the habit of posting daily to the wonderful blog I give you local music Tuesday! Today's pick Social Bliss!
If you have read this blog at all then you know I am friends with the frontman, Max. In fact Ravebaby calls him Uncle Max. We love Social Bliss! So you should to!

Enjoy some Social Bliss YouTube! You should enjoy this video then friend them, watch more videos and catch them live!

Music Monday: The Killers - Runaways

New feature for this little old blog, Music Mondays! In others words, my chance to share music I like with you. I know you'll find it shocking that I am posting something from The Killers. The first video is the official video and it may or may not play. The second is someone's video featuring Runaways. Love the song! Enjoy!

Theme of the year: get off your ass

So I think the theme for my life general is getting off my ass. After last nights talk with the back alley gang, I think it is the mandate for my up coming year. I've taken a few months to chill and let everyone else work. See I have a horrible habit of just taking things over. I am given a task and then I just do the whole project. Can we say control issues! Anyway, I really have not been doing too much in the way of helping anyone in the back alley. One no one has asked and two some else has been doing it so I was just selfish and sat on my butt. Last night that changed. The call for help and purpose has gone out and I must get up.

Besides just getting up, I know I also need to work on just working on the given task. Right now I along with Rocker wife are in charge of making a Community Calendar. We have zero money and yet a mandate. How will we pull off something beautiful, tasteful and above all useful. I have a vision. Rocker wife also has a vision. Do they match so far so good. On to the task of making it reality. But this in the grand scheme of things is easy. The hard thing for me will be to listen to Rocker wife and create together and then complete the task and wait for my next task. What I don't want to do is step on toes and bully my way to the top and impose my will. I mean I know me, this is my MO. I take one task and then I take over.

How can I change that? How do I keep myself in check? Lucky for me, I seem to have an arch-nemesis for control. A man whom it seems is my DH's brother from another mother and believes that he will bring about the end of the world with sheer will. His own presents and purpose, along with my current "been it, ain't it" attitude, have been enough to keep my hands clean. I haven't jumped in for fear of rocking the boat and then what if I actually have control of something and totally mess it up. I mean things are going well, I can only muck it up right?

The man of sheer will will in fact be holding tight the reins. This I know. I know what I can do, want to do, and where I fall short. This year I learn to jump in and to work instead on controlling. This year, will vs will will all bow to the will of fire and greater collective. My bs won't take over and destroy. I will fake it til I make it and/or get bored/distracted. I will get my hands dirty while not taking the reins. I will learn to be a follower with purpose rather than a leader or a sheep. Guys, wish me luck :)

Girl power

So as of late I have been thinking a lot about why I decided to play bass. I mean not like I've grown up with super women bassist. Outside of the Go-Gos and the Bangles, are there any women bassist on stage? I found a list of top 100 rock bass players and there are like 3 women on it, see for yourself.

So why the bass? The answer is pretty simple, I met a female bassist and she kicks ass. She goes by Medusa and plays for the the Rusty Shacklefords. I've had the chance to see them perform several times and each time is she kicks ass. Sometimes she's totally glam and others low key but always kick ass. I want to do that. I want that confidence. I want my daughter to see me do that. I also go to see No Love Less, they too have a kick ass woman on the bass. I want to be the kick ass woman on the bass.

Anyways back to Ravebaby. She as of late wants to play bass. She says, "I play bass!" And will run to grab her plastic guitar. It is not weird to her. Chicks on guitar is nothing new but it seems the bass and drums are the final frontier. I want my daughter to be anything she wants. I want her to not stop and think about it but just know she can be it. I know the bass is a small thing but every stereotype that she sees busted is another one that doesn't keep her from reaching for the stars. Be president, be a doctor, be the best drummer ever, be the best rock bassist ever just never let the idea that it's not what girls do stop you!

Ravebaby on stage with The Rusty Shacklefords. She is copying Medusa's rocker stance!

Wordless Wednesday: sit down Uncle Max!

Dark side of the moon or in this case momma

SoDH hang with an interesting group of people. It started with a coffeeshop and a high school connection and now is a group of friends I look forward to seeing. As part of this little group we usually have weekly topics during which we discuss everything from politics, to sex, to Jesus and his love. These are lots of fun and while as a group looks as different as possible, we share some similar views.

I missed this weeks talk, after Thanksgiving I was just too exhausted. DH told me that the topic was group dynamics. One of the things about this group is we just came together. No written rules just implied trust. As part of the trust is an understanding that we all still have our dark sides and that as needed we open up and close up.

Everyone has a dark side. Everyone has this things/events that they keep in the dark corners of their mind. This group is far from dark. Actually it seems we all are working hard to live for today and to just be happy. We also understand that our dark sides are part of us. Not that we celebrate those sides but we know we are these wonderful people because we have all survived something, someone, some event.

Are my secrets safe with these people? Only time will tell. How much of me will I honestly show? Hard to say. We all have dark corners. We all need to have people around us that understand that they don't need to know those corners just accept us for everything we are and don't require anything but openness.

Do your bones remember?

I asked DH on Wednesday if he thought "our bones remember?". Why the question? Wednesday made 26 years since my grandfather, Matilde, passed away. Most years it goes by without coming to the fore front of my mind. This year, since I am working at the church and I can request masses to be said, I looked up his death date and requested a mass. However, this year like the last 25 before it, my father couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, was more withdrawn, was all but silent. This happens every year. He doesn't say it. I don't think he goes through it consciously. it seems to me to be in his bones. His spirit knows and his spirit mourns the loss of his dad.

In high school DH and I had this fantastic biology teacher who was missing a couple of finger tips. I remember him talking about how those tips would itch. It was the worse itch ever because it was the only one he would never be able to scratch. Even after 20+ years his body remembered those finger tips and still felt them.

Maybe we all do that. Maybe those days are bad days not because of what is going on right now but because of something our bones remember. It's not something in our fore-mind. We don't think about it. We feel it. We feel it deep inside.

Wordless Wednesday: LLL wrap hammock

Seeing through me

So DH had a heart to heart with his bro and these conversations always lead to discussing their wives. I hate that he talks about me to other people but I especially hate that he seems to share everything with this particular bro. This led to a discussion between us as to why it bothers me.

According to DH, my problem is that I and this bro are very similar. Similar in that we both see thru people but seem to be unable to read each other. Well this conclusion confuses me. I see through people? I don't read people. I never know people. DH is the best judge of character ever! Me, I just approach everyone as a friend unless I get a funny vibe or immediate dislike, which doesn't happen often.

I asked DH to clarify. I see through people? He said that I just seem to know what people need to hear. That I can look at someone and despite what they say I know what they need to hear. Really?! I'm not buying it. I honestly feel like I live my life on the self-absorbed side and never seem to pay enough attention to the world around me.

I am still confused by DH's conclusion. I guess part of my confusion is my dislike for the concept of seeing through people. I guess it makes me feel like he is saying I am always looking for a way to work people over. I think it feels like he is saying I'm a user. Am I a user? Do I only see people for what they can do for me? I don't feel like I do. I don't think that DH is saying that but that is what it feels like.

Who knows why people butt heads or don't seem jive. I'm going to try not to over analyze this but considering that he told all of this on Wed and now it's Sunday the over-analyzing ship has sailed. I see through people?

Wordless Wednesday: Zombie Walk

Defining Family

Last week I had pick up my nephew, well maybe I should say DH's nephew. So that in itself is the whole point of this post. I don't think in terms of his and mine. DH has 3 nieces and one nephew. I have 3 nieces and a nephew. We have been together for 17 years and none of the nieces or nephews were around til after we had been together so they have all always had the both of us. We don't think about them as belonging more to one of us. They are are family. That is how we see it.

So back to picking up my nephew, Ravebaby and Spongebob are both in the same gymnastics class and they love being in the same class. As part of getting them in the same class, I agreed to pick up Spongebob as needed. Last week was the first time I had to pick him up from school instead from my mother-in-laws house. I figured I would have to show ID. I figured I would have to be on his pickup list. My SIL did not have me on her list so they made a huge fuss about calling her and copying my ID. I didn't really think too much about it until I talked to my SIL later. They had never done that before. Never had they questioned a person picking up her child. Then my SIL reminded me why they questioned me, I am not black.

Funny how I had forgotten that. Funny that to me the family connection is obvious. I had Ravebaby with me. I had a half-black kid with me and my last name is the same as Spongebob but I'm not black so how can it really be okay for me to pick him up? I totally forgot.

People want things to work they way they think they should work. Black with black, white with white, Mexican with Mexican or at least Latin of some sort. It's not that they view it as bad just not their everyday. Maybe they talked about me and my family after we left, "Spongebob's aunt it Mexican, ewww.". I don't know. I don't care. He is my nephew and your suspicious mind is going to make us late for gymnastics, let's go lady!

I guess DH would have the same trouble if he had to pick up one of "my" nieces or nephew. I know people want a designation. They want a box to check. People want to know am I talking about the black ones or the Mexican ones. Sorry, we are just a family. Assume what you will just remember that assuming makes an ass out of you and me.

Wordless Wednesday: Tinker Day '98

Today was Tinker Day at my beloved Hollins University, in Roanoke, Va. What is Tinker Day? A little tradition that involves doughnuts, fried chicken, climb up the mountain and costumes!

Wordless Wednesday: Mama is learning bass

Got this great pic from Social Bliss frontman, Max. You can see Ravebaby playing drums with PunkWife. We had fun. All we need is a lead guitar and we can hit the road!

El Hada de los Sorteos - Giveaway Fairy

Happy International Babywearing Week!

Here at Wheatless Mama, we are a babywearing family.  This is a great picture by my friend Travelgirl @ Lone Star Photography.  We were at a punk rock show at The Factory here in Lufkin.  Can you guess who we were listening to?  You guessed correct!  THE HATES!

In this picture we are using an Ergo sport.  In the official blog badge we are in a wrap.  Even DH wears Ravebaby.  We highly recommend it!

(Closed) Review & GIVEAWAY: Kinnikinnick New Gluten-free Bread Line (Ends 10/24/12)

So if you have been gluten-free or wheat-free for any length of time, you have tried finding bread. When DH and I first tried going wheat-free 9 years ago gluten-free bread was hard to find and tasted worse than dirt. Don't even get me started on the texture! Most were like biting into sand, just plain old gross! So anytime someone gives a gluten-free bread high marks, I am first in line to get it. As soon as I started hearing good things about the new Kinnikinnick bread, in the yellow packages, I wanted to try it. When the reviews said it was better than Udi's, I had to get it!

So you know I live in the backwoods of deep East Texas, known for pine trees not healthy eating, where the hades was I going to this new bread. They announced it back in March and I still had not seen it anywhere. When I saw that Kinnikinnick would be at the Gluten and Allergen Free Expo, I knew this would be my chance to try the new bread! Now let me just get this out there, I was really suspicious of the Kinnikinnick bread. I had choked down some before and just like I said, I choked it down. Seriously, it was awful. To me any bit of improvement would be heads and tails above the old bread line. I decided to keep an open mind but to be honest I wasn't expecting much. I think the tag line, Toss Out The Toaster, was probably the real kicker for me. Even if it taste good, I just knew you would have to toast it so it would not fall apart. I mean we were an Udi's family so Kinnikinnick was going to have to work very hard for our approval.

At the Expo I made a bee line for Kinnikinnick, they have to have the new bread. They did but everyone else was also running for the bread. I got a small little piece. It was good! It wasn't toasted! I wanted more but so did the crowd! I was pushed along. No more bread for me :( What is a Wheatless Mama to do? Me, I got brave and sent Kinnikinnick a request to do a review! They said yes!

This is what I got in the mail! One loaf of white, one loaf of multigrain, one package of hamburger buns and one of hot dog buns. I was in heaven. What was I going to make first? The thing I had missed most, Grilled Cheese!

That's a picture of my grilled cheese. It was good! I gave my mom half of one and asked what she thought. Her words, what are you doing eating regular bread? Yep, it tasted GOOD! The texture was nice and airy not like sand at all. The taste was like fresh white bread. Let me tell you, Ravebaby ate the crust! She always leaves the Udi's crust. I think that says a lot. The bread was so good and soft that she didn't want to leave any. Ravebaby has never eaten "real" bread; she's always had Udi's. DH also loved his grilled cheese. He's not a bread eater anyway but this he enjoyed.

So test number 1: grilled cheese - verdict PASSED

Next up, the cold picnic sandwich! Toss out the toaster? Okay Kinnikinnick here is the big test. I have missed cold sandwiches. I grew up with cold bologna sandwiches and really enjoy and have missed them. Not that there is anything wrong with sandwiches on toast but on a hot day, I don't want a hot sandwich!

We went all out. Fresh turkey breast from the deli and fancy cheese slices, we were going to do it right. Ravebaby had a playmate at the park so a picnic was perfect. First thing I noticed, the bread didn't fall apart as I made my sandwich. Next I took a bite. The bread did not fall apart! THE BREAD DID NOT FALL APART! It was cold and straight from the package and it did not fall apart! After two years of Udi's, this whole "I don't have to toast my bread" thing is revolutionary. I will say it was just a bit sandy in texture but I only noticed it because I was looking for it. This bread is the real deal!

Test number 2: cold picnic sandwich - verdict PASSED

Next up: hamburger buns

So just as a point of information, there are only four buns per package. This is pretty par for the course for gluten-free items but just wanted to make sure you know. My first impression they were soft and airy. They smelled and looked like 'real' buns. So far so good and then we hit a problem! They aren't cut! They are not pre-sliced. Honestly that would have been the nail in the coffin but, and this is a big but, they tasted fantastic! Straight from the package to my burger, no toaster, and it tasted like a good 'real' buns! No texture issue, no grainy sandy feel, just a good bun. It also didn't fall apart like the untoasted Udi's buns. DH seemed to feel that they might be too airy but I didn't have that issue.

We tried them again two days later. I had left them in the car but I sealed them pretty well. This time they still tasted good but I did notice a little bit of a sandy feel at the end. Again, no toasting just straight from the package. I thought that was pretty normal since 'real' buns tend to change if left in the car open too.

Test 3: Hamburger buns - verdict PASSED

Last up Multigrain bread

I was hungry and wanted toast. The only thing I had was the multigrain in the freezer. Perfect timing for me. I grabbed two slices from the freezer and into the toaster they went. I like a medium toast and on my toaster that is a four. I thought I would have to put it through twice since it was straight from the freezer. No need. Once my toast popped up, I added butter and jelly and I was in heaven. Before going wheat-free I use to eat the 7-grain bread from Petridge Farms and honestly, I had to do a double take. I could not believe it was gluten-free bread. It tasted great, had a great texture and just made me happy.

Test 4: multi-grain bread - verdict PASSED

I have some Udi's in the freezer and unfortunately it is the easiest to find around here but after this I'm going to be a thorn in the side of my local grocer until they carry the new Kinnickinnick line. Forget what you know about gluten-free bread. Forget what you had with the old Kinnickinnick line. March down to you grocer and demand this bread.

Disclosure: I approached both Udi's and Kinnickinnick for samples. I purchased my own Udi's and have eaten for many months. Kinnickinnick did provide me with a starter package of their new bread line. I have not received any money for my review.

Giveaway Time: I'm using Rafflecopper so it should be very self explanatory. Winner will be required to provide address, sorry no PO Boxes, and phone number. Open to US and Canada.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Wordless Wednesday: Return of The Hates

The Hates, Texas' oldest punk rock bank, returned last Friday to the Factory.  Here are a few pics.

Tea weather

Today is wonderful weather for sittting outside and enjoying a cup of tea.  In the 2 years since we moved back to Texas i have become a coffee drinker.  Not sure why the big change.  I guess maybe the change in friends.  Days like today remind of the friends gone by.  Will they ever cross my path again?  Will i ever enjoy a mug of Earl Grey Lavender again or will it just be a memory?

The return of The Hates

Just warning you. The Hates will be playing at The Factory again tonight. We missed their show at Standpipe since we were in Va. We are all excited. DH is heading to the barber for a Mohawk. Ravebaby will sport her trademark pony hawk. I'm just going with super str8 hair. I'm going purple while DH and DD want to sport pink, hair that is. Expect pictures. If you are in Lufkin then head to The Factory tonight!

Here is the video from the last show! Enjoy!

Attachment Parenting ruined my career

And I couldn't be happier! Title is a little misleading I know. You were expecting me to tell you all about how I hate my life now and it's all because of the horrible oppressing expectations of APing. See here is the thing, I feel that APing actually set me straight. Hear me out.

So I kinda felling into APing. Ravebaby was about a year old before I even knew my style of parenting was AP. I had hear so many negative things about AP that since I was so happy I could not possibly be an AP parent.

How did this journey into AP parenting begin? Well I got pregnant and decided to breastfeed. It all starts there. I gave birth to Ravebaby at exactly 38 weeks after having my water broken for about 72 hrs. I had her at home so our first nap was with her on my chest in my bed. That is how I got hooked on co-sleeping. She was so small and every time I would put her in her bed she would cry. It broke my heart so I just kept her next to me. I found it made my life easier too once I returned to work since Ravebaby reversed her nursing pattern. With her in the bed I could nurse her all night and still get some sleep.

The baby wearing came from not wanting to lug a stroller and wanting Ravebaby close. It was just so much easier to put that baby in a Moby wrap and go. She was about 8 weeks old and I've been collecting babywearing gear ever since.

Being a delayed vaxer came from research, a gut feeling, and Ravebaby's reaction to her first round of vaccines. How can I force my baby to take shot after shot and suffer for the next few days at such a young age? We are not totally anti-vax. Just delayed and spaced out.

So on to how it ruined my career. I listen to Ravebaby. I take the time to bond with her. I was a full-time working mom since she was 6 weeks old. I felt like I gave everything I had at work and would be just a shell for Ravebaby. I was in a job I hated working for someone that didn't seem to really want me there so I made the decision to be a mom first instead of a librarian. It was not an easy transition for me. It's been very difficult financially but I wouldn't have it any other way. I am watching Ravebaby grow and learn. I have a part-time job that helps with the bills and keeps me from going nuts from a lack of adult conversation. But when I get home after 5 hours, I have energy for my child. We sing silly songs. We paint. We nurse. We play in the iPad. I get to raise my child.

I do miss library work. When I get ready to go back at some point in the future I'll have a huge gap in my resume. I am cool with that because I also hope to have a daughter that is happy, healthy, and productive. APing has ruined my career and I thank God for it.

Just a picture of Ravebaby washing dishes. Yes it's messing and gets nothing clean but it's fun and she's learning. I really love my life.

GF Expo - Outrageous Baking

So the first people I want to tell you about are Outrageous Baking out of Boulder CO.  They were at the very back of the expo and they were mobbed.  To be honest I had never heard of them before seeing them at the expo so see this is why I think that expo is well worth it.

So who is Outrageous? They are a dedicated wheat/gluten/soy/dairy free bakery.  I was very surprised by how good the samples tasted.  I has skipped them at first but DH insisted that I had to try them and that we were buying something.  Thank you DH for dragging me back there. 

I tried their Chocolate Zucchini bread and I have to admit I was not loving it.  It seems a little fudge-y to me.  I don't like fudge.  I wasn't sold and was ready to move on and then DH shoved Lemon Poppy Seed in my mouth and I suddenly forgot I was eating gluten-free.  If you are gluten-free then you know that is no small feat.  We bought one loaf and got handed a slice of pumpkin bread for later too. 

I was so excited.  I had to slap my own hand from opening up the fresh Lemon Poppy Seed and eating it right then and there.  We did manage to save it for the next day but it didn't last past Sunday.  The poor delicious little loaf was devoured.  How could we resist?  The pumpkin bread was very good too.  Ravebaby stole my half but of what I got I will say it tasted like fall in the Piedmont.  It was really good.

Follow them on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/OutrageousBakingCompany (I've heard they'll be posting coupon codes!)
Follow them on twitter: https://twitter.com/OBGFBaking

Tell them that I sent you but they have no clue who I am so it really doesn't matter.  Seriously, they are worth the price.  Why couldn't they be based in Lufkin?  Oh well such is life of a small town Wheatless Mama.

Disclaimer:  I was given a free slice of Pumpkin Bread but I paid for the Lemon Poppy Seed bread loaf.  I was not given anything money or more free bread for this review.  Outrageous Baking is great!  I'm waiting for the next payday to order more.  Shipping is a killer but for them I'll willing.