Bittersweet: 3 years, 5 months, and 15 days (Breastfeeing pics included)

If you are a regular reading you will noticed that the Breastfeeding Timeline is now gone.  As of two weeks ago Ravebaby totally weaned.  My goal for nursing was 2 years.  I never imaged that I would go almost 3 and half years.

 It is bittersweet.  I am happy to have my body back.  I no longer have to worry about being able to nurse out of what I am wearing.  While it had been about 5 months since we last nursed in public and about 3 since she had nursed at anytime beside bedtime, in my mind I have always had boobs as a ready and willing tool for curing ouchies or helping her go to sleep.  We snuggle and we are both happy with it.  I nudged her to wean and then she decided it was time. 

Ravebaby weaning just in time for me to start my doctorate.  I thought she would regress.  I figured she want to nurse as soon as she saw and then stay on the boob all the time.  I think she just realized that there was lot of life away from the boobs and besides, mom's boobs don't make chocolate milk.

So anyways there you have it.  I am officially no longer a breastfeeding mom.  It is incredible to me that this one decision to breastfeed has changed me so much.  I am wheatless because I breastfed a wheatless baby.  As I sit here eating my Gluten-Free Glutino Toaster Pastery, I have to smile.   I don't miss wheat.  When DH got his "death sentence" of a wheat allergy 10 years ago, I was in shock and had no clue what to do.  When we saw the signs in DD at 3 weeks,  I went cold turkey.  Now, eating wheat makes me sick.  I can tell when I've had wheat.  I just don't miss it anymore. 

My breastfeeding journey maybe over but the wheatlessness will continue.  My blogging will be more sporadic too.  I started my doctorate classes on June 1st and I am swamped with work.  I'll be around and still glued to my computer but I might not have much blogging time.

Always a winner?

Okay I am getting so sick of being told that I am always a winner. I hate that idea because to have a winner you must have a loser. I am not cool with the idea of a someone losing but anyways. I have bigger issue with the idea that I haven't worked my ass off to get myself into position to win.

So the current example is the whole getting into the doctorate program. I kept hearing well duh you're going to get in. Hello, I have two Masters degrees! I have worked my ass off. It was still not a for gone conclusion. These programs pick the personalities that match them and as me as I am, I tend to rub people the wrong way. No guarantee I was going to get in.

I really feel like the whole thing is about people either not knowing me or wanting to overlook the work. I do not come from privilege. I come from a line of hard working people and working hard is what I do best. Getting into the doctorate was the fruit of 33 years of work. Nine years in public education with at least one boss that was so awful and that hated me so much I almost got fired and was on the verge of being unable to finish my MLIS. I have worked. Unlike DH, I was not blessed with super high IQ, I have always had to work, even in high school.

So I am not a winner, I just refuse to lose. I rarely quit but when I do it is after finally realizing that my work is done and I have over stayed my welcome. I just don't give up easily, not to say that I don't give up. I am selective about what I choose to attack but fear of hard work is not usually a reason for me to not go for something. The point of the rambling: I am not a winner just too stubborn and hard-headed to give up and/or take no for an answer.

Sober

DH has been sober for 3 years, which means he is an alcoholic.  My husband, the man I met in 10th grade health class, is a drunk, a wino, a alcoholic.  Honestly it pains me to say it.  It hurts every time I think about it.  My dad is also an alcoholic.  I think that is why it was so natural for me to not see it with DH.  I don't think I really know what a healthy relationship with alcohol is suppose to look like. 

DH never drank in high school.  He too is from a family of people with alcohol issues.  He like most kids started in college.  Me, I never wanted to really drink.  I was too afraid I would become an alcoholic.  I never realized how much DH was drinking in college.  When we would spend weekends together, he didn't drink.  Since I didn't drink, he didn't.  In college most of my friends were from families of alcoholics so drinking was not something we did.  I guess we figured we should just avoid it so that we could avoid becoming what we had grown up with.

When we got married I had only had one too many once.  Since marrying DH over 11 years ago, I know my count of nights of one too many hoovers around 10.  How can I let him drink alone?  In my mind I was sharing with my husband not enabling an alcoholic.  DH taught me to drink.  Wine tastings, beer tastings, flights of various liquors and yet alcohol has never been a problem for me.  I can take it or leave it.  Even in all of that I never saw the problem for him.  He slowly began to tell me about the drinking in college.  He made sure that I know that he was an alcoholic from the start of our marriage but I never saw a problem with him drinking because that is what my dad does.  My dad knows alcohol can be a problem for him but he knows his limits and drinks on occasion so I didn't know that DH was struggling.  I don't know what a healthy relationship with alcohol looks like.

So when Ravebaby was born and DH poured out all of the liquor in the house and finally told me once and for all that was it, he was sober and no more alcohol, then I saw what I had been missing.  My brain finally turned on and saw it for what it was, a problem.  I am not mad at DH.  I proud of him for seeing the problem and talking about the problem and making me see the problem.  I am mad at me for being blind to it.  I am scared that it will happen again.  I am worried I am going to miss it and it is going to be too late for help. 

See, my marriage has three people in it.  Me, DH, and DH's other main squeeze, Alcohol.  She is always there.  Sometimes I feel like she is in between us.  I don't mind her.  I don't mind seeing her.  Actually my problem is when I forget she's there.  When I relax and take a deep breath and then I get smacked in the face when DH says, "I have been itching for a drink."  Slam, how could I forget?

Watching Nashville last night and seeing Deacon, the country singing alcoholic, fall off the wagon felt too real.  I begged Deacon not to drink.  Tears poured out of me as he drank.  I screamed at the tv when he asked for another.  I got mad when he skipped the meeting to get drunk.  I felt like I was watching my future.  I know it is a TV show.  I know Deacon isn't real except he is. 

This isn't pre-Ravebaby days.  There is a lot on the line now.  DH tells me that he got sober for himself.  He tells me that Ravebaby and I are what help him stay sober.  He knows what is at stake.  I am still afraid I am going to miss it.  I am afraid I am going to be blind to it.  I trust DH.  I know DH but I am still afraid.  Three years sober is nothing in the grand scheme of things.  I know people fall off the wagon all the time.  I know you can fall and pick yourself up again.  I just can't control any of it and so I am mad about it. 

#Mamavation Monday: Overwhelming

Yesterday I decided to put all of my summer classes into my calendar. I had done that for my last masters program and I found it really helped me make decisions and for planning. I had seen the dates in my information but going from a list to putting them on my calendar made it super real and super overwhelming. I have class every Friday in June. I have two Saturdays in June. In July I have the the first weekend off (for the 4th) and then I have every Friday and two Saturdays. My Fridays will be noon til 8:30pm! That is a long time to be in class!

Since I stopped full time over a year ago, I haven't really spent that much time away from Ravebaby. I know the schedule will be a huge change for her. I am also debating my work schedule. Right now it is m-f 9-2, so not too bad but my program is in the next town over so Fridays will basically be a wash for work. It also means only Sundays with my family. At this point I am just not sure how to pay for my degree, the gas to drive up there nor the car that I will need since right now DH and I just share one.

Here is the thing, I am overwhelmed but at peace. The ultimate, if God will lead you to it then he/she will lead you through it. I know I will have resolution and everything I need. I know Ravebaby will adjust and DH will be supportive but looking at my calendar and seeing zero free weekends is scary.

I have decided to try working in walking at my current job. Today my co-worker and I got in a half-mile. Not too great but in the Texas sun after a couple of months of sitting on my butt I think it is okay. I have also put my foot down with DH. We must work out. I need to stress relief. It is amazing to me how much better I feel, how much more at peace. So I gotta keep it up!

This post is sponsored by Noelle Katai and Mamavation – a community dedicated to obesity prevention & weight loss for women and I’m writing this to be entered into a giveaway

Mother's Day tattoo

For Mother's Day/birthday gift, DH got me my first tattoo. I love it. It is still healing and I'll have at least another session for color but still love. So here it is:

So a word about the subject matter. It is a breastfeeding pinup. It is based on one I had found online but Pat the tattoo artist personalized it for me. The original had roses. I hate roses so we added a dogwood for Ravebaby's home state. Even once we add the color the tattoo is in complete and that is on purpose. I wanted to leave room for more flowers for any more children that we might have. I also had Pat making the baby more like Ravebaby instead of just a massive curl, we have lots of subtle curls. Pat also turned the nose and added a nose ring stud for me.

So why this? To me pinups are the ultimate in sexy and beauty. As a nursing mother I don't think any other moments captured motherhood for me like nursing. This tattoo is the most beautiful woman doing the most beautiful thing. I feel like I should name her, the tattoo that is. We'll see if one ever materializes. Anyways that is my first tattoo. Isn't it great!

#mamavation monday: stomache flu is not a weightloss plan

This weekend was spent fighting my body and my husband for the toilet.   I don't recommend the stomach flu.   I have read stories of people who eat tape worms to try to lose weight.  I've known people who were bulimic and after having my head in the toilet playing homage to the porcelain gods i have no clue who anyone does that just to fit into a pair of jeans.

Anyways after spending all of Sunday in bed out on the toilet and not being able to eat at all working out is not on my radar.   I know i need to get back into a routine. I miss working out. I miss running. I miss feeling strong. I must get off my ass.

 This post is sponsored by Dr. Ken and Mamavation – a community dedicated to obesity prevention & weight loss for women and I’m writing this to be entered into a giveaway 

Losing my gig-ginity

Last night Red Shoe P$&@? played our first show. I was okay until I started playing. I felt so naked. I was scared and shaking. I missed serval notes on 7 nation Army but managed to calm myself enough to play the rest of the show pretty mistake free. I even managed to keep my cool enough during Cherrybomb to look up at the crowd. I am not going to lie, I was shaking for the rest of the night.

Rockerwife, my bandmate and soul sister, loved it. Her nerves calmed down once the music started! I think it helped that she was behind a drum kit so there was less nakedness. She did great! We already have our next gig lined up! Hard to believe we have only been playing for 6 months. We're going to try to work out a new song before the next gig and I am really looking forward to starting a new song. I am not sure that I am ready to jump on stage again but I also know that if I don't I won't so on to The Second Annual This Won't Suck in Shreveport next month.

Hugs: Embrace your archnemises

So the last two months or so a Facebook post on hugging has been making the rounds.  I have seen it attributed to the Dalai Lama but who knows where is comes from but here is a version of it:





Anyways this has brought to mind the whole idea of hugging.  Being Mexican hugging is pretty normal.  We hug we give cheek kisses in general most Mexicans are very outwardly affectionate.  Being married to a black man, I have come to expect and enjoy the super hugs I receive from people who are total strangers to me but family via my husband.  I am from a family of hugs.  We love them and give them freely with each other.

I have many friends that are not from the same hugging affectionate crowd.  With them it is difficult to hug.  It is difficult to trust that when going in for a hug I won't be rejected.  I guess really comes to the heart of the matter: trust.  While yes Jesus was betrayed by a hug and a kiss, you have to have a certain openness or trust with someone to go in for the hug.  Trust that I am not invading your space but that I am welcomed into it.

How hard is it to hug someone you don't know?  Honestly I find it pretty easy.  I find it harder to hug someone I know.  If I "know" you in theory I trust you and in theory it should be easy but it also means that I know you are not a huggy person.  I know that a hug is an invasion to you no matter who does the hugging.  I can't hug you without making you feel uncomfortable and that makes me uncomfortable.  Hugs are an expression of affection, of love, or caring and of accepting.

So with all of that in mind I threw down a personal challenge to hug my Archnemises.  He is not from a hugging family.  High fives and handshakes but no hugs.  This was a true challenge for both of us.  It is weird to hug a mirror.  Anyways, I threw down my challenge on Monday and by Friday it was time to put up or shut up.  To make matters stranger, Archnemises was deathly ill so great bring on the germs.  We did hug.  It was strange.  It wasn't the warmest hug ever but thawing takes heat.

I think hugging is going to become part of the coffee crew greeting.  The crew is not much for hugging and I think it speaks to a lack of trust.  Maybe its is because we are all so hot that we worry that we'll just start making out mid-hug but I have a solution for that!  The good ol' Christian side hug!  No genitals near each other but still warm and friendly :)  Anyways, I did hug Archnemises on Monday and it was not as frosty.  See progress made!

Anyways, embrace people.  If the hugging rule is true, we all need hugs.  We all need to feel invited, accepted, and loved.  If I can hug my archnemises, then surely we can all grow instead of just survive.

Wordless Wednesday: Red Shoe P$&@?

#Mamavation Monday: dress your body

<p dir=ltr>One aspect of weight loss that is really easy to over look is dressing yourself. I know for me i have been struggling with dressing myself.&#160;&#160; I have never had much style but when i was a bigger girl it was easy to find tents to wear. Now as a normal sized girl 14/16 I have no clue what to wear. I mean i don't want to wear tents anymore but i have a wonderful upper and lower spare tire. I have a waist but rolls on to and bottom. How in the heck do i dress that? </p>
<p dir=ltr>I went with a great group of girls to the woodlands to shop. I knew I would probably be in the plus size section but I was hoping for more selection. I did find some great pieces including a beautiful red super trendy dress. Honestly I look hot in it and you know I never say anything like that about myself.  I was disappointed I'm the lack of choices especially I'm colors.  I would find a great top only to discover they only had it in day-glo Orange.  What is with neon colors this season?

Anyway, I think i need a stylist our to be nominated for what not to wear.   I know i can dress better but have no clue where to start.

This post is sponsored by Doctor G and hosted by Mamavation – a community dedicated to obesity prevention & weight loss for women and I’m writing this to be entered into a giveaway ”

7 days til infamy

So what will I be doing in seven day that will lead to infamy? I or rather I should say we have our first gig. We being Rockerwife and myself. We are an all girl punk-jazz fusion band. So far it is just me on a bass guitar and Rockerwife on the drums. We have fun and for the last 6 months or so we talked about playing in front of people. Well on Friday at Factory 16 we will do just that.

Why the infamy? I like the word. I don't think we are going to get a record contract from our three song set or anything like that. We have fun and we want the challenge of preforming in front of a crowd. I think it helps that we know the venue owner, who is also Rockerwife's husband and my bass teacher. You would think that meant we were shoe ins for a spot on the band list but it doesn't. We were told to practice 6 days a week for one month and he might think about putting us on. We stepped it up and have been practicing 6 days a week. Our set gets tighter and better each practice. Ravebaby knows just about the entire set by heart, lyrics and rhythm.

I can't believe I said at the beginning of the year, I want to play a gig and here we are April and I'm going to do it. Now what am I going to do with the rest of the year? I guess expand from three songs to 10 and headline at some point.

Oh by the way the band is Red Shoe P? The P keeps changing. I think we have settled on a dirty word in Korean but I have no clue how to write it. Anyways we kick ass and Friday everyone will get to see us play.

I stink

So in the last few years I have slowly worked to green up my life. We used cloth diapers and cloth trainers. I make my own laundry detergent. We try to eat organic food as much as possible. The one change I've made that I am not too sure on is switching to natural deodorant instead of an anti-perspirant.

I have heard for years that stopping your perspiration was not natural and could be linked to cancer and such. My parents both use liquid deodorant from Avon and many of my friends have made the switch to non-aluminum deodorants. I knew that it would be a a hard switch for me. I hate feeling sweaty.

So how can this hate to sweat girl switch to something that will not stop her sweat? I have slowly been putting my anti-perspirant on only every other day. Then once I ran out I headed to the natural grocery store in town and found a lavender deodorant with no aluminum or much of anything really. Honestly I am not liking it. I hate feeling so wet under my arms. I am struggling with getting use to my natural smell. I know or maybe I think I don't stink but I am thinking it is time to switch to something else. I've heard some people use baking soda, coconut oil and a few drops of essential oils as deodorant. I need to go buy the coconut oil. I am not liking the change. I don't like it one bit. Sometimes being green stinks :)

#Mamavation Monday: why run?

So my plan had been to write about my work into greening my life but when I got home I heard about the tragedy at today's Boston Marathon and needless to change my topic changed. DH and I were trying to figure out what happened at the Boston Marathon since I got home got on Twitter and saw pray for Boston. While watching the coverage DH noticed that people were still finishing the race. Why the hell were they still running?

So why run? Why keep running when you hear a bomb? Well I wasn't there and I honestly have no clue but I know this, when I am racing I am in my head. I am barely aware of the world around me. I can image that at the end a a marathon you are completely in your zone. You are so one with yourself and you are about to finish a marathon, I can image it would take your brain to register that that sound you heard was a bomb. I think also in part it is your natural instinct to run when you hear a scary noise.

I have been not running. I have been sitting. I have been debating the reason for me to run. Why run? Why not do weights and planks and focus on losing weight instead of going further and running longer. I think I am going to start again. I think I want to get back into the running. Anyway, I will be praying for those injured, I will be praying for the families of those killed, and I will be praying for peace.

What the fuck is a shinobi?

Archnemesis and DH love to speak in Samurai/Ninja/Anime speak. Honestly once I hear anything that I think might be used in an anime I totally tune out. However last night I finally bit and asked DH, what the fuck is a shinobi?

Here is my understanding of shinobi: a ninja/samurai who is willing to sacrifice for the good of the community. According to Urban Dictionary a shinobi is a highly trained ninja who is an expert in stealth retreats also known as a Warrior of the Night or Walker in Shadow. To all of that my response, what the fuck is a shinobi?

According to DH, everyone in the coffee crew is a shinobi. They all give of themselves for the good of the community. So be extension is would include me. I call bullshit. When do I give of myself for the good of the community? Now yes, I would say I give myself for my family. DH and Ravebaby are my world and I have no problem sacrificing for them. When the hell else do I do that shit?

I think some of my resistance is the premises in my mind that a shinobi must be doing this for just the community. I guess I see it as a good guy in the shadows. I am no good guy and very rarely do I do anything without expectation of something in return. How can I be shinobi when I am one never with the coffee crew and two I am looking for something in return?

Maybe this is still part of my own view of myself as a horrible person. I mean I do give but yes I want a thank you back. I don't want money or things in return. Usually I want acknowledgement and a feeling of belonging. I know if you give with the expectation of something in return you are by definition not giving freely. If you are not giving freely then you are not a good person. If I expect something back then I am not really being a good giving person, I am just a self-centered asshole.

Anyways but the point, what the fuck is a shinobi? I don't know.

Review: Kenya Moore Booty Boot Camp

Disclosure: I received a free copy of the work out DVD. All opinions are my own.

I recently received a copy of Kenya Moore's Booty Boot Camp. I have to say, I have no clue who Kenya Moore is but she has got a booty to envy! I wasn't sure what I had gotten myself into with the DVD but I have always felt like my booty could use a lift so I was game for trying it.

The warm up is pretty basic and Kenya and her trainer are super peppy. It was fun to move but it reminded me of why I am not a fan of aerobics. I am not very coordinated so moving and watching takes a lot of effort on my part. The trainer does a good job of explaining what to do next but I find it confusing to hear and watch her while I am doing a different move.

After a 15-min warm up you have a choice of three level of booty work out. I have only done level 1. It was not very hard and at first I was like did I do anything but the next day I felt it. There a couple of signature moves done by Ms. Moore. The booty pop which I felt and I can do without the squatting position. In fact I have taken to booty popping in my chair, note this is just isolating the gluten muscle not actually booty popping like in a dance club. The second signature move was downright pornagraphic. It is hard to describe but think of a man going for doggy style but starting in a semi-squat. Not pretty and feels awkward as hell to do.

I have not done the other levels yet. Would I have spent money on this video? No but DH has commented that my booty seems higher. If DH is noticing a difference I'll keep it up. I do wish that the video gave more instruction, like after two weeks three times a week add level two or switch to level two. The viewer just kind of has to make the call. DH asked me how long are suppose to do it, how many weeks? Honestly I have no clue.

I do like the workout minus the one signature move that I literally turn red on. I am noticing a more firm butt and now that I have the warm up down, I really enjoy it. DD likes to do the warm up too. (Note I will not let her do the booty workouts.). Worth the money? If you want something fun and not too hard, I say go for it.

Mamavation Monday: family affair

So since DH and I started trying to workout back in October, we have noticed that our number one motivator isn't each other but our 3-year-old, Ravebaby. Just about daily she'll ask to workout. If we workout while she is napping and she finds out about, she gets mad. There have been times when I workout before she gets up in the morning and she'll require we workout together. I am not a fan of working out after I just worked out but I like that she wants to get moving. It is pretty hard to tell Ravebaby no so it's a big motivator to get up and move if nothing else to keep the child from whining about wanting to work out.

Along with Ravebaby wanting to workout together, I am also finding it difficult to go out to run. I just can't kick myself into gear! I've started doing the Kenya Moore Booty Bootcamp and have a lot of fun with it. I am moving and working out but I'm not running. I am really struggling to decide what is my purpose for working out. Do I want to run a half-marry or would I rather see the changes in my body, ie losing inches? I know I want to be healthy and working out is part of that. I do like the challenge of running longer or faster but I was not seeing any changes as far as losing weight o inches. So I need to figure out the why to the working out. I'll get there for know I'm happy to moving and keep moving.

This post is sponsored by Color Maker & Mamavation – a community dedicated to obesity prevention & weight loss for women. I’m writing this to be entered into a giveaway

Total Package

DH is the total package. One thing that has become clear over the last couple of weeks is no one wants to seen as replaceable. If I am only smart then I can be replaced with another smart person. If I am just pretty, there is always another pretty face. If I am the total package, if am I everything that is needed then I am much harder if not impossible to replace.

So DH is the total package. He is irreplaceable to me. There is no one else in this world who can be to me what he is to me. I could find another husband but they would live under DH's shadow. I could try but I would never succeed in finding a replacement. DH is the total package.

I know that that was part of my struggle. When I felt that I was only smart when that was seemingly taken away or tossed aside, I suddenly felt replaceable. I think Archnemesis was right, the important mission of the Hidden Village is to make sure each member knows he/she matters. We are not replaceable. At any giving job, task, relationship, we are or can be replaced. In the Village, no one else can be me. There is only one Martha, aka Wheatless Mama, and I matter.

So I am the total package and DH is my total package. Someday someone will find that Ravebaby is his/her total package. Even if that day never comes, she matters. You who ever you are you matter. If I know you, if we have never met, if all you have ever done is accidentally come across my blog, you matter. Our paths crossed and we are both a little different because of it. DH says each and every interaction marks us and makes a little different if we let it. I know I have strayed from my point, as usual, but the end point is you matter.

50's mindset

I am a strong believer in being open with DH about any interactions I have with any man. He has all of my passwords, open access to my Facebook, twitter, and texts on my phone. Why? Well I was raised that my husband should be the only man with whom I have any level of intimacy. If I have a friendship with a man outside of DH and there is any part that is not completely open then I am fostering a relationship outside of my marriage and that makes me a cheater. DH should be my sole source of male companionship.

I have had guy friends outside of DH but they have never been anything that meant being allow with the dude or private conversations. The only exception to that is The Groom. We were really good friends. We rode to conferences together just the two of us and even hung out at my house without DH there. To some extent The Groom was more of a big brother. The night I was alone with The Groom at my house, DH had basically asked him to hang out with me while he went to fight for a Wii. DH trusted The Groom to keep me safe at a Hootie and the Blowfish concert. I did and do see The Groom as a big brother. However, we never talk on the phone, text or anything like that.

An incident that DH always brings up is the time Discgolfer sat with me at church. I was at the Sunday Spanish mass and Discgolfer did not speak much Spanish and just wanted to have someone to sit with so he came and sat with me. Well I am Mexican. This was a mass full of Mexicans. DH rarely goes to church with me so if a man were to sit with me at mass, the view is he must be my husband, right? Well I came home and told DH about the whole thing and about how it weirded me out and now everyone was going to think Discgolfer was my husband or that I was at church with my lover. Any number of things were just wrong with the whole thing. DH said I was nuts. He is a friend that did not want to sit by himself so he sat with me; end of story.

So you see the crazy 50s idea that I have. Even now Rockerwife and I talk it over all the time, we don't have relationships with men outside of our husbands. It just feels wrong. If we communicate with a man not our husband we immediately go and tell our husbands. We are overly open with any aspect of a relationship outside of our husbands. So I know it is not just me.

DH is calling bullshit and is forcing me out of this mode of thinking. I am under orders to text Archnemesis once a day. One because apparently Archnemesis thinks I hate him and two DH wants me to see that there is nothing wrong with a friendship with a man outside of my husband and that a relationship with a bit of emotional intimacy is actually a good thing. Honestly I am not buying it. I will send the texts since DH is asking me. I don't really understand what I can gain from a friendship with a man that I don't already have with say Rockerwife or Cameragirl?

We've all seen When Harry met Sally. Men and women cannot be friends without eventually having sex, right? My best guy friend was DH, I married him and we have lots of sex. Am I asking for trouble here? DH knows that I purposefully keep male friends at arms length but I go back to Harry and Sally. If I am sharing everything with this person, am I leaving it open to sharing EVERYTHING? I guess the really test is if I start to keep texts secret or have meeting with said man outside of DH's knowledge. I am not the sort of person who goes looking for trouble and while I understand DH's point, making connections is never a bad thing, I can't help but to slip back into the thought that men and women can not be friends without something sexual between them.

I will say that in DH's wisdom, I have been assigned to try this with Archnemesis, who is married to a lady that is fantastic. I mean if you read the blog about my "sexual fantasy" with him, you can tell there is zero chemistry there. So you can't go heating up an ice block and expect a fire. I mean he could have assigned me someone single and therefore open to moving into the realm of sexual. We'll see how is goes.

DH is a firm believer that all connections matter so he wants me to have connections with everyone. In his mind, I am sure, if I keep certain people at bay then I am closing myself off from everyone. If I am closed off to friendships with guys then maybe I am also closed off in part to him. If I am to be open then I need to be open. Yet for some reason, this brings to mind and image of Billy Crystal in bed with Meg Ryan. How open can we be with the opposite sex? If you are hurting and I know that sex would make you feel better, if only for a moment, would it make me a bad friend not to help? Recently on Nashville, we see exactly that. Oh no your brother is dead. You feel bad. I'll fuck you and you can forget and feel better if only for the moment you are inside of my vagina. She is being a good friend, right? I don't want to be that good a friend with anyone.

Maybe I am just a pervert. Maybe I am too old-fashion. Maybe I am just closed off. I don't want to be closed off. I want to be open but I am not sure I want to be emotionally available. I'll try it. I might like it. Maybe this will lead to a whole new level of relationship with DH. One thing I do know, it will make for great blogpost!

DH, shame spiral, doctorate

So it is no secret that for the last few weeks is have been in a shame spiral of sorts, really it was a body image downward spiral. However, the last six days have been nothing but fighting and sex with DH. It has been really difficult but also really good for us. It had been a long time since we had connected so deeply both emotional and physically.

In all of the fighting and fucking, we got to the whole reason I started down the shoot of a downward spiral to begin with. What started it? I am starting a doctorate of educational leadership in June. The start of the issue was his lack of enthusiasm when I got accepted. He was sleeping and I woke him up to tell him. He said oh good and went back to sleep. No hug, no great job, no I never had a doubt. Nothing! This was at the beginning of the Hidden Village Music Festival and once he got up he was out the door to Standpipe, barely a kiss for me and no mention of the doctorate. So why does it matter? He is suppose to be my cheerleader. If he doesn't care, if he is not there to share the success then . . .

I am not saying it makes much sense but since that time I lost all enthusiasm myself about the whole thing. I mean it is not like I get accepted to doctorate programs everyday but it as I'd I had been accepted to high school, just a feeling of oh well that wasn't hard so why do you want a congratulations. I mean this is really the first time I've blogged about the fact that I am going to earn a doctorate!

If you don't know DH, he is amazing. I have always been in awe of his magnetism. I am not magnetic. DH just has an aura that people are drawn to and that is part of what lead to my particular downward spiral about my attractiveness. Women have always thrown themselves at him. I have literally had to push bitches back. But I don't have that come flirt with me aura. I have personality and it only comes out if I know you, otherwise I am pretty shy.

For me I know I am a hard worker. I know I am smart. I know I am strong. When DH didn't make a big deal about the doctorate, which in my opinion is a strong showing of all those things I see in myself, it made me question what do I have to offer. If I'm not that smart or hardworking, if they just take anyone that applies then I am in fact not special. I know I am not the hottest woman in most rooms. In my mind that made me feel like I just plain old don't have anything going for me. If I am nothing then why is DH even with me? Did start dating me because he lost a bet? Is he with me out of pity? See nothing logical in this thinking. Just sharing the internal crazy dialog. It was a cascade of thinking.

DH downplayed my acceptance to the doctorate program. Then I started to notice that people don't really compliment me or flirt with me so then i felt ugly. Here is the problem feeling ugly is comfortable for me. I know this feeling. It is easy for me. I can get pruney in the pool of ugly. I know how to downplay me. I know where all of the body issues are. Once I go there, it can be too comfortable to leave.

Now I feel better. Now that I know how I slipped down then it was easy to climb out. (Good sex helps too.). I am not logical. I am a feeling person. I think the thing for me to remember is to talk it out. Feeling bad is comfortable so I can only get back to good by talking my way back. So I gotta talk more. There is my crazy on full display, go ahead judge and discuss. Me I got a doctorate to prepare for.

Ben Caplan - Beautiful

So as I have gotten pruney in the pool of self-doubt, one of the things pulling me out has been Ben Caplan's Beautiful. Having had the chance to see him live during the Hidden Village Music Festival earlier this month, this has been on constant replay on my Spotify. He even dedicated it to me during his set! Thrill!

So here is Ben Caplan's Beautiful (it puts James Blunt to shame!)

I am not sure if it is the performance, the lyrics, or just the mood that makes me feel beautiful but this just does. It makes me smile and sit up a little straighter. I have more poise and feel like maybe my soul might be beautiful too. Anyways, it's great, right?!

Local Music Tuesday: Galaxy Express again

Just a quick follow up. The Galaxy Express show on St. Patrick's Day was fantastic! DH and I got to take a picture with them and have 2am breakfast with them. It was awesome!

Wordless Wednesday: let me thru

#Mamavation Monday: Nothing but a fuck-up

So I've been nothing but a total loser for the last few weeks.  Per my usual self destructive self, I got into the Doctorate of Education program, which proves I'm smart, so I immediate went into a self-loathing of my body spiral.  Why not?  Surely the only I have is a brain so my body must suck.

I'm finding my way back.  After a few pity posts and a couple of weeks of hiding from the track, my grand plan is to get off my ass.  I know the running and working out makes me feel good about me.  I feel strong and powerful.  I feel like a sexy woman.  I need to feel like a sexy woman.  I am a sexy woman?  Anyways, not quite out of the body-loathing yet but I'm better today than last week.

I don't think I am going to meet my half-mary by my birthday goal but I know that with a little work, I can run a half-mary this year.  So I'm going for it.  I might never get rid of this spare-tire around my waist but I know that I am working towards health.  So I'm getting back to running.  God-willing I'll have miles to report for next week.

Miles run this week: 0 :(

This post is sponsored by Mamavation – a community dedicated to obesity prevention & weight loss for women and I’m writing this to be entered into a giveaway

Random convo = random post about Archnemesis (warning: sex talk)

So the other while watching Phineas and Ferb with Ravebaby, yes we watch TV, I always said we were crunchyish but go ahead and judge. Anyways, Phineas and Ferb had a great song called My Nemesis. Of course being me, I went to YouTube found the link and posted it to Archnemesis's (do I need the extra s?) facebook wall. I liked the tune and the whole concept but failed to noticed the part of the song that talks about Perry the Platypus only wearing a hat and no clothes. Well he is a platypus so why would he wear clothes? So Archnemesis decided this was my way of hitting on him. I swear if I didn't know he was messing with me I would think he was the most narcissist man on earth instead of a good nemesis. So this little interaction of course leads to the following random thought and now blog post.

(Yes it involves sex so if you are easy to offend I suggest you run now.)

So how sex between Archnemesis and I would go like this:
( Sitting in a room on two chairs across the room from each other.)
Hi.
Hi.
(Stare some more. 20 minutes go by still sitting the the same places.)
I guess one of us should do something.
Like what?
Get naked?
No. I already feel dirty.
Oh okay then I guess we're done.
Yep
Ok
Ok
Bye
Bye
(Both leave from opposite ends of the room and immediately go shower to wash the grossness off.)

You expected something else, right? Nope, I am pretty sure this how it would go. I could be wrong but I highly doubt it.

No one to dance with

So this has nothing to do with dancing and everything to do with my crazy. You have been warned, read at your own risk, yep, I make very little sense.

Okay so the heart of the matter is a lack of self confidence. I don't think I am very attractive. I don't take complements well. I feel like an old fat ugly cow.

According to DH, I am simply nuts, unobservant, and my biggest problem, I am a woman. DH says that all women question whether or not they are attractive or sexy. I'm not sure what goes on in other women's heads, I just know mine and I spend a majority of the day thinking I look awful.

So like all good scientist, DH asked for my proof that I provided the following:

1. No one outside of DH complements me
DH's Rebuttal- men are too afraid of him to even think of saying anything and I am scary with a mean disposition

2. No one jokingly talks about me
DH's Rebuttal - people are afraid of me, when I joke I cut too deep, people are again afraid of him

3. I never catch anyone starring
DH's Rebuttal - I just have no clue what to look for and people are afraid of DH, something about making eye contact with him and the threat of having their eyes removed

So I think the real problem is DH. J/K I love him with everything I have and if never get a complement from another person then I might keep questioning my sexy but I know that DH always sees it.

So exploring the crazy a bit more. Is my issue really a question of feeling like I am stuck with DH? I choose DH and I would chose him again. I mean marriage means making the decision every morning to stick it out and make it work. However, I must admit, hear me out, that I want to know that if tomorrow I decided to leave I would not end up alone. I don't want to pick DH by default.

Some of it comes with age too. We've been married 11 years. When we got married I know I was choosing DH over other guys. There were other dudes that had expressed interest but I wanted DH and truth be told DH was and is the best choice. He has said that I am not his default. There are other options and he chooses me, daily. I know there are plenty of women who would jump in my place. I mean without DH even looking twice, we've had women stalking him. Women are nuts, oh and stay the fuck off of my man!

But back to the point, feeling attractive is about knowing you have options. Lets be honest, I know DH wants me. I know DH would love to do me all day long everyday. I have no doubts that I was and am chosen from the cream of the crop. I want to know that I am doing the same thing. I want to know that I am choosing this and not just settling. Maybe that makes me a bitch or at my core a cheater or whatever you want to call me. I want to know that I am going home with my number one choice not with the only boy that asked.

I am not speaking for anyone but me. I just know that there are days that I feel like I am beautiful and that I am the most beautiful girl in the place and I am going home with the most handsome guy in the room. There are other days that I feel like the most handsome man in the room is pitying me and taking me home for the night. I never said I was sane. I am just putting it out there. Conclusion? I don't have one.

Wordless Wednesday: Ben Caplan and Ravebaby

Fantastic show!

#Mamavation Monday: Mamavation 5k

So this past Saturday I ran the Mamavation Virtual 5k. I had been taking a short break from running trying to give my hip a chance to heal. I was worried I won't be able to actually run the whole thing but I set out to run no matter how close to walking is seemed. Honestly there are times I think I could walk faster than I run but that is neither here nor there.

I was slow but I did get it done. I set out to pace at about 14 min for a mile and when I had finished I was at about 13:30 and my hip was not killing me! I still amazes me how much better I feel after a run.

I did notice that since my abs were hurting from my sultry (stripping) floor dance class that I had better running form. I have a bad habit of slouching once get tired but on Saturday my abs hurt worse if I had bad form so I ran with my head held high.

On Saturday I also received word from SFASU about my application to the Doctorate of Educational Leadership program. When I got the envelope I was sure the answer was no because the envelope was small. I was shaking when I opened it and luckily for me they did not beat around the bush, the first word was congratulations! So they accepted me. I have spent the weekend really think it over and have decided to go for it. I know I will have lots of work ahead of but I am looking forward to the challenge. I also know that now more than ever I need to have a good workout routine. Grad students tend to sit a lot which leads to butt spread and eating lots of fast food. I start in June so I have a few months to get into a regular running schedule. This story is to be continued . . .
This post is sponsored by Mamavation – a community dedicated to obesity prevention & weight loss for women and I’m writing this to be entered into a giveaway

Wordless Wednesday: a couch at Furniture Fetish

State of the Union - Wheatless Mama & DH edition

So every year the president of the US gives a State of the Union Address. In our house we do something similar only more frequently. There are times in each marriage that you need to check in with each other. I mean at times that you are not mad or on a happy we just fell back in love time. Just a neutral and honest conversation. About once a month, usually while watching TV, DH and I will have a state of the union talk. How are you? Where are we? Anything we need to work on? Anything I need to work on?

So what is the purpose of this? Well to be honest it just talk time. DH and I are talkers. We talk all of the time, to each other. Honestly there is no one else I would rather talk to than DH. Also it's good to see what the other one is thinking. We are not always in a happy patch, personally and therefore not in our marriage. We feel like only talking when things are at extreme ends, good or bad, makes it difficult to know where we really are with each other.

I mean when I am mad I bring up everything under the sun. Remember when back in high school I caught you talking to that bitch Heather, well . . . You can see that would go nowhere quick! Equally post awesome sex is not the right time either then it's all sunshine and happiness. Remember when Ravebaby was born and we were so happy and . . . Again not very productive.

I think these talks are so important to us because we have had some rough patches. About a year ago we were as close to calling it quits as we had ever been. To be honest I was about a week from grabbing Jailbait and just cheating to purposely blow up my marriage. When I am unhappy I have a mean self-destruct mode. It takes talking it out to bring me back from the edge. So instead of blowing up my marriage I blew up my career. Best decision I could have ever made! So much happier now and back in that I love my husband phase of life. How long will it last? Who really knows?

I mean we have to work at it and as the best piece of marriage advice I ever heard was just don't fall out of love at the same time. Forever is a long time. Yes other people will be attractive. Yes there will be times it would be easier to quit or to cheat but our vows said for better or worse. Luckily nothing last forever, so good times come and go but that is also true for the bad times. If it is bad now, just hold on and it will get better. Honestly, I have fallen out of love and back in love about 4 times in 11 years, not bad, I think. Each time I remember why I fell for DH in the first place. I love his humor, his ability to read people, his smile and yes his body. He is my Dear Husband (DH) and for better or worse he is suck with this bag of crazy.

So the state of this union is strong. The state of this union is moving forward. The state of this union prefectly wheatless :)

Below is a picture of DH:

#Mamavation Monday: organic food

Since joining Mamavation, I have learn a lot about GMOs and why we should avoid them. I noticed about a year ago that Ravebaby's lips would break out when she would eat apples. I switched her organic apples and no more break outs. I'm not sure if it was the wax used or the lack of pesticides but either way I have made the switch and we are not going back. I also noticed that the San-J soy sauce we use has a GMO-free label. My guess it has always been there but I just noticed. It is just interesting actually looking more closely at labels and looking for something besides just wheat.

This post is sponsored by Roni Noone and Mamavation – a community dedicated to obesity prevention & weight loss for women and I’m writing this to be entered into a giveaway

Glutenology Houston - Sunday March 10th

Just wanted everyone to know that there will be an expo in Houston in just a week! Glutenology Houston is having their second conference at the Humble Civic Center. Tickets are currently on sale for $20 (children under 12 free!) on their website and it promises to be a wonderful learning opportunity. There will also be tickets sold at the door for $20 each. They have a several speakers on tap plus a huge vendors hall. They have an awesome option to watch via the Internet too!

This conference is sponsored by Glutenology and Gluten Free Society.. So it will be different from the expo I attended in Dallas. Rather than the focus being on the vendor hall, there will actual speakers. I am most looking forward to the session with Dr. Russel Jaffe, who'll be talking about Hidden Allergies. As you know the wheat allergy is just the tip of the iceberg with DH.

Just like the last conference we attended, DH and I are looking forward to the sense of community. When DH was diagnosed 10 years ago, we could have never imaged conferences, expos, and communities dedicated to being wheatfree/glutenfree. We are really looking forward to going to an expo that is so close to home. Houston is about 90 minutes away from us so it will be nice to learn about resources closer to us.

Disclaimer: I will be attending as an official blog sponsor. I will receive free admission.

Wordless Wednesday: Nursing a 38 month old

Local Music Tuesday: Little Brave

Little Brave is a localish musician that has played Standpipe Coffeehouse a few times. They will having her back as part of Hidden Village Music Festival. She'll be playing Thursday, March 14th and she is well worthy of a $20 cover but Arch-Nemesis is only asking for $5! Actually for $20, you can get a pass for the while week but spend you money as you like.
If you have missedLittle Brave in the past now is the time to make up for it. Don't miss this show.

Disclaimer: I am not being compensated for this post in anyway, other than avoiding working the door for the Festival. I had to buy my week-long pass :(. Arch-Nemesis is not my friend.

#Mamavation Monday: Weight loss makes me look old

So my only complaint about weighting less is that I am losing weight in my face. Normally people would be very happy to drop their super-sized cheeks (the ones on their face) but I've had huge monster cheeks always. The problem with losing fullness in my face is that my wrinkles are showing! I know I am 33, almost 34, and that I am going to start showing the living I have done. I don't expect to look 16 forever but the wrinkles are bringing me down. I remember a good friend telling me, "gaining 10 lbs is an instant facelift." Now I look like a deflated balloon.

The funny part is of course in my line of work, teacher/librarian, looking a bit older is helpful. I can't tell you how many times people have threaten to send me to detention for walking the hall. People have this image of a librarian as old lady with grey hair so to have a 30-something as a librarian doesn't fit the image and people tend to overlook me as a real librarian. (For the record, sexy young librarian, yep that's me, lots of sex in the stacks. :) ) I stopped coloring my hair when I found out I was pregnant and really grew to like my grey, not that I have much. Now with the wrinkles beginning to show I'm thinking of going under the hood. We'll see.

On Wednesday, I have my interview for entry into a doctorate program in Education. Most EDds are older, 40+. This also gives me pause for coloring my hair. Looking older might not be such a bad thing. But I'm still not a fan of these new wrinkles. Wish me luck for my interview and I hope to announce soon if I'll be working towards becoming Dr. Wheatless Mama.

This post is sponsored by Touch Within Coaching and Mamavation – a community dedicated to obesity prevention & weight loss for women and I’m writing this to be entered into a giveaway

Music Monday: Ben Caplan

Guess who is coming to the Hidden Village Music Festival? Yep, Ben Caplan! He'll be in Lufkin at Standpipe Coffeehouse on Wednesday March 13th! Come on people $5 buys you a seat at this fab show and probably a handshake if you get there early or stay late. Seriously no bad seats! Only 5 bucks! Or you can just buy the week long pass for $20! See you there!

Gluten-free, Breastfeeding and the Hidden Village Music Festival

As you all know I am wheatfree and still nursing a 38 month old preschooler. So what does that have to do with the Hidden Village Music Festival?. Simple, you can do both at the festival!

I might talk badly about my arch-nemesis but he really is the best champion for living your life as you need to. So what? That means that despite all of the crap he gives me for being wheat-free, all of the drinks (as best as I can tell) at Standpipe are gluten-free! Unfortunately there are no gluten-free desserts. Sometimes there are some gf chips but no guarantee. Make sure you bring your own gf snacks! That is one area that Standpipe excels at, they won't shoot you any dirty looks for bringing in your own snacks. When you come down for the Festival, bring a $5 spot for a Standpipe (which is so good) and your own Udi's muffin.

For the nursing mamas out there, Standpipe is your place. They are as welcoming as Motherhood but with coffee (decaf if you need it). I think Jailbait would probably drag a person out of the Standpipe before allowing them to talk down to a nursing mom. Cover, no cover, no problem. While I am trying to wean Ravebaby and at this point don't nurse her in public much anymore, Standpipe is one of the places that I know it wouldn't be a problem. Nursing mamas buy your ticket! Piece of advice, buy your baby/toddler/nursling a pair of headphones for the more rocking shows. Ravebaby wears Babybeats.

So in short the Hidden Village Music Festival is for everyone! March 8th - 18th at Standpipe Coffeehouse, Lufkin Tx See you there.

If Birds Could Fly will be playing at Standpipe Coffeehouse on Monday March 12th. Buy your tickets today!

Hannah Miller coming to Lufkin

Watch "New Official Music Video, "Way About Ya" by Hannah Miller" on YouTube

Hannah Miller will be playing at Standpipe Coffeehouse on March 9th as pary of the Hidden Village Music Festival.   Get your tickets today!

Disclaimer:  I have not been compensated for this post in anyway.  I still have to buy my own ticket to the Festival :(

Wordless Wednesday: Sitting at The Factory

#Mamavation Monday: half-marathon or bust

Okay, I'm doing it. Rather than being safe, I am going to push myself. I am going to train for a half-marathon. I know I can do it! I know I can do it. I know I can do it?

I had decided to be safe and just complete the Bridge to 10k. Six weeks and I'll be at 10k but here is the thing, I want to run a marathon. While I know a 10k comes first, having a bigger goal in mind just sits better in my mind. I have to go for the gold!

Really I found this training schedule for the half-marry that made it seem doable. I just ran 10.16 miles this last week so I know I can start this and finish it. Small miles goals that build each week seems very doable to me. I am not setting time goals. I have no illusion or is it delusion that I will be a completive runner. I am running for me time. I am running because I find the run to be a form of meditation. The outside world stays outside while I focus on my breathing and talking to myself into finishing the next mile.

So if you need before 8am, I'll be running instead of sitting on my butt playing online. So my goal is to run a half-marry before my next birthday on May 26th. I am setting a concrete goal with a definite timeline and I have a plan in place to get there. See you at the finish line.

This post is sponsored Dole and Mamavation – a community dedicated to obesity prevention & weight loss for women and I’m writing this to be entered into a giveaway.

Wordless Wednesday: Fun with the iPad

Local Music Tuesday: Hidden Village Music Festival

If you have not heard then let me share with you! Coming to Lufkin Tx in March:
Hidden Village Music Festival
March 8th - 16th
Featuring musical acts from SXSW!
The festival will be taking place at
Standpipe Coffee House
Tickets:
Daily Show Tickets - $5
Festival Pass - $20
There are only a limited number of tickets available so don't wait to buy at the door!


While not part of the official festival schedule, there will also be one cannot miss show happening at
The Factory
This will be the grand return of Galaxy Express on March 17th! This show is free and you will kick yourself if you don't go. How often does the primer rock band from South Korea play Lufkin, TX? How are you going to beat celebrating St. Patrick's Day with Korean rock stars? You just can't so be there!

Guest Post: #Kivelli Baby #Giveaway from Cluttered Genius

My friend Lydia from Cluttered Genius is giving away some adorable Kivelli Baby jewelry. I don’t know any little girl who would turn down this adorable jewelry. Be sure to enter for the little princess in your life. It sure would look lovely on Ravebaby! Just as an aside, I met the lovely Lydia through Mamavation. Just another reason for the mamas out there to join the Sistahood :) - Wheatless Mama

Who doesn't love jewelry? I know that I love it, and Miss Sassy Pants always wants to wear my rings, bracelets, and necklaces. Imagine how excited I was when I found out about Kivelli Baby (find Kivelli Baby on Facebook too: http://facebook.com/kivelli)

Kivelli Baby makes bracelets for infants through 8 years old. Miss Sassy Pants has just turned 8, so when she received her bracelet, she was ecstatic to find that it fit so nicely.



What I love about the bracelet is that it would definitely fit an infant and could grow as the baby grows. The chain has enough links to expand as your little one grows. And, Miss Sassy Pants still has plenty of room to enjoy her bracelet for a long time.

I asked Miss Sassy Pants to model for me. Here is a picture of the bracelet she received a little bit closer:



You can win one, too!

One lucky winner will receive their choice of a Kivelli Baby bracelet. FOUR second place winners will receive $15 gift certificates to Kivelli Baby's shop.



Use the Rafflecopter below to enter for your chance to win. Kivelli Baby bracelets also make beautiful gifts!
a Rafflecopter giveaway


Thanks to my friends who are helping to promote this giveaway. Be sure to show them some love on their blogs as well!

Rachel @ To Hab and To Hold

Martha @ Wheatless Mama

Shannon @ Aries Mommy

June @ Simply Junebug

April @ Insights by April

 

#Mamavation Monday: Lent, water, bridge to 10k and the cheat

So I'm Catholic and this coming Wednesday is Ash Wednesday which means Lent! 46 days of praying, fasting and alms giving or I my case: running, drinking water and cheating on both.

Okay so as part of Mamavation, I am doing the Water challenge. I get a cup of coffee in the morning and then nothing but water for the rest of the day. Now I gave up soda right before Christmas and I don't miss it at all but I love me some sweet tea and giving it up will be difficult! Also I am a member of a coffeehouse crew, basically a group that hangs at the local coffeehouse. What am I going to drink?

So here comes the cheat. Last year I took on c25k for Lent and stuck with it right to a 5k in May. So this time I am going for the Bridge to 10k. It's 6 weeks so just about the same time as lent ends. If I do all three of my runs for the week I earn one latte. This will help keep me running and give myself a reward too. This should be fun!

This post is sponsored by Touch Within Coaching and Mamavation – a community dedicated to obesity prevention and weight loss for women and I’m writing this to be entered into a giveaway

Mourning Normalcy for Ravebaby

Okay, so I don't always talk about my wheatfree life as much as I should but today someone on my facebook posted about the frustrations on living dairy-free and feeling alone in the frustration especially when it comes to telling their child no when they want something.  So here goes . . .

Dear Parents of a child with allergies:
I know you are wondering what you did wrong?  Did you eat the wrong thing during pregnancy?  Why would your child be punished like this?  They can't eat X and everyone else around them can.  It is so unfair.

You are right.  It is totally unfair and in most cases there is nothing you could have done differently and outside of this one huge inconvenience (reading every damn label in the world before buying/eating/using) your child is great and really you won't trade them for anything. 

So you have every parent (of a child with an allergy) in the world's permission to mourn your loss of normalcy.  Cry it out.  Scream it out.  Do it now.  Then understand you will want to do it again and again for the rest of your life.  You might want to cry when you realize your child will never have the First Communion you had always envisioned, just the blood no host 'cause of the wheat.  You will have to say no when every around is buying from the ice cream man since he doesn't have anything diary-free.  You will feel low and judged when you say no to a cookie.  People will look at you like you have killed Mickey Mouse but they don't know that that cookie will cause your child hours of agony later. 

You may mourn.  You may cry.  You will survive and after all of your work and your careful choices you will have a teenage who eats everything they are allergic to because it won't kill them just make them hurt.  Hey, they are they ones who have to make friends.  You will feel like your efforts have been useless but YOU KEPT THEM ALIVE. You kept a simple rashy allergy from turning into a deadly one so you go with your bad self!

I cry.  Sometimes I see my archnemisis give his child, Ravebaby's best friend, a cookie, right in front of Ravebaby and I want to cry and scream about how unfair it is.  It is not anyone fault.  It is not a bad thing.  I live a wheatless life and I'm good with it most days.  I hate telling Ravebaby no.  I hate seeing that look of "I want that" and her feeling defeated.  I want my child to be normal. I want to give her that damn cheap ass nasty cookie so that she won't feel different.  I want to give it to her so I won't feel different.  We're different.  That is life.  It is not fair.  I allow myself a moment to cry and mourn and then I move on. 

So please don't feel alone.  Please know we all do it.  No matter how cool we are with the X-free life we lead, we all have times we mourn the loss of that X.  Go ahead cry.  Go ahead morn.  Believe it or not, you are just being normal :)

Signed,
Wheatless Mama, mom of one, wheatless for 3 years +

I got uplifted!

In so many ways, it has been an uplifting day. Today I ,ailed off my application for the Doctorate of Education program at SFASU. I am nervous and excited. I am still waiting for my GRE scores for my application to be complete. Once those are in the hands of the Graduate school, I have completed my app. Then comes the hard part, interviewing and then either acceptance or rejection. Actually the hard part will be the work but I'll cross that bridge when or if I get there.

Second uplift of the day, moving forward on the bass. Max showed me a new technique watch sounds cool and is super hard. It will take me a lot of practice but I'll get there. It will be good for the band since we are just a bass and guitar. We need a cool sound.

Last uplift of the day is literal. I got two new bras! They fit so well. My bandmate and soul sister, Rocker Wife, is starting a new boutique and I had the privilege of being the first person fitted for a new bra. They are so pretty too! Maybe if I get brave I'll post some before and afters later! :)

#mamavation Monday: DIY armband

So I don't normally talk about crafting and never talk about crafting for the sake of exercise but here goes.

So I went to Best Buy to buy the armband for my Galaxy S3. I done my research, saved my money. I was ready. They were out of them! The dude looked at me and said, well it's the first of the year and everyone has those resolutions to keep. Jackass!

So I came hope so defeated. No armband, no motivation and DH still not ready to join my work-outs. Then I thought to myself, why not make my own? I still have my iPhone 3 armband, just repurpose it, right? I got on YouTube and then wanted to kick my own ass. I found dozens of tutorials on making you own armband from a sock. It is so easy. You take a sock cut off the toe, double it then put your phone in it. That is it! I am using a Babyleg to be more fashionable :). So tip of the blog: make your own armband!

I also got my box of Beanitos! Such a kick ass way to start the week!

This post is sponsored by Jessica – the Healthy Hip Chick and Mamavation – a community dedicated to obesity prevention & weight loss for women and I’m writing this to be entered into a giveaway