Non-Negotiables

This is actually an assignment that I had to turn in last semester.  I sparked a lot of discussion for our group and really made me think about where I draw my own lines.  Just wanted to share.

My personal non-negotiables are flexible.  I think being inflexible leads to a person’s inability to forgive themselves for falling short.  We all fall short and as such we need to be able to forgive ourselves for times we don’t stand up, we stay silent, and in general violate our personal non-negotiables.  I honestly believe that a person’s inability to forgive themselves leads to refusing to allow others into our lives because we fear being seen as a fraud to ourselves and then in turn to them. 

1. I will treat others in a matter that makes them feel seen, heard and valuable.  When I fall short I will examine why I failed and how I can do better next time.
2.  I will treat myself as I feel that I should treat others.  I cannot treat others better than I treat myself.  If I don’t begin with being my best to myself then others will see my efforts as disingenuous and/or as a means to take advantage of me.
3.    I will be grateful for the life I have even when it seems to be going in a direction I do not like.  Being grateful will require me to stop and exam my attitude towards in the world in general and this will allow me to refocus myself on bring positive change into the world.
4.    I will listen without judgment realizing that I can only see through my own life experiences and that I cannot judge what others due since time, circumstance and life experience are different for everyone.
5.   I will practice forgiveness of myself and others.  Anger and grudges only serve to hurt me and if I keep hurt within me then I cannot keep the first four non-negotiables. 

#Mamavation Monday: Detox from Wheat

I totally missed my post last week due to being in New Orleans for the SERA conference.  It was a requirement for my doctorate.  While there I eat several things not on my gluten free diet and I'm paying for it!

I started with a mini meat pie on the way and only got worse from there including two trips to Cafe Du Monde for beignets.  I was stupid and I didn't think it would hurt me too much since I went wheat free for Ravebaby and not personal health reasons.  I was so wrong.

After four years wheat free, I started paying for the bites almost instantly.  So much gas and a headache.  Since arriving at home I feel like I've been fighting the flu.  Body aches and fatigue and a thirst I can't seem to drink enough water to quench.  I was already scheduled for my annual checkup for tomorrow and I think DH would have demanded a doctor visit anyway since I'm totally not myself at this point.

I don't remember struggling like this for years ago.  I think it is because before I had a baseline of normal that might included all of this achynessand fatigue but I don't remember.  My new normal was painfree and usually with plenty of energy so maybe that is why this seems so bad.  I don't like it.  No way I'm going back to wheat.  Anyone else ever try to go back to wheat only to discover it hurts?

Song Response: The Way It Was by The Killers

I'm starting a new blogging thing were I write up my response to a song that made me stop and think.

If you didn't know I love The Killers and my Spotify is chalk full of them.  When I first heard The Way It Was, I thought it was a sweet ode to a love lost due to growing up and growing apart.  How many times have I wished that DH and I could just go back to the way things were when life and love was easy, i. e. before marriage and growing up got in the way.  In the time since I first heard the song several of my friends marriages have split or hit on a rough patch.  Marriage is hard and we all struggle at some point or another but anyways I stopped and really thought about what was being said and I got angry and here is why.

1. This is someone being a totally immature asshole!  Just go back to the way it was.  You only want to stay with me if I promise to go back to the way it was.  Dude you go back and then you end up right here again!  You are not trying to solve the problem just hide it.  In the words of Thomas Wolfe, "You can't go home again!"

2. The love you remember wasn't real.  We all look back and see just the good sides of thing especially when we are hurting.  If only this had not happened or if only we could just forget and go back to the beginning.  The song speaks about "did you forget all about those golden nights?" and really don't we all remember the golden nights of courting and falling in love but if you want to survive and have a lasting relationship you have to move past just falling in love.  Staying in love is work.  It is not easy!  Stop whining and start working!

3. Is it really over or are you just tried of working at it?  I think this is the one aspect that bothers me most of all.  Brandon Flowers sings, "Back then this thing was running on momentum, love and trust, That paradise is buried in the dust."  So you don't love me anymore?  You don't trust me anymore?  You think we are standing still?  I love that it is all my fault!  I'm growing up and moving forward and you want to reverse all of that work so you can feel good about the fact you refuse to grow up!  Maybe we have an issue with trust but if you don't want to work on it then there is nothing to go back to 'cause it all leads back here.

Don't get me wrong people.  I love this song but it is because Brandon Flowers' voice is amazing.  I was listening to the song on the way in to work today and I started crying because it makes it all seem so easy.  Just go back.  Just rewind and we'll be okay.  That is simply just not the way it works.  If you go back without working on it then you end up right were you are again. 

Not too long ago I told DH, after listening to this song, I love him and when I see him I see the 16-year-old boy I fell in love with but I don't want to be married to that kid.  I love the man I'm married too.  The one that has allowed me to grow and turn into this better person. It is easy to think that if we could just go back then the work would go away but why travel the same road twice?  Don't wish away the person you have now for the one in your memory.  I assure you that person never existed in that way.  Work or don't work but don't think going back is the easy solution. 

 

 

The Way It Way - cira 1998

Bitter pill of never enough

One of my defining characteristics is that I'm a very driven person.  If I put my mind to it I will do it.  This is a good and bad thing.  I am lucky to be able to focus not on things but usually on improving myself.  I know some people are driven to get stuff but stuff is not a big factor for me.  I usually put my energy into education, career, marriage, friends, or my child.  I don't let things or people stand in the way of something I want.

So why the drive?  Why do I have to work so hard?  The answer is pretty easy.  I think most people who are driven come from a place of fear.  Fear of not having enough money, enough food, enough love.  Not a need for more just a fear of not enough.  At least that is my drive.  I don't want more money.  I am happy being poor but I am afraid of not being able to choose this as my life.  I hate the idea of living by default.  Maybe the root fear is actually control.  I hate to be out of control too.  I know control is a total figment of my imagination.  I know I control nothing.  I think I am sitting safely at my desk but the roof could cave in and kill so so much for control, right.

The idea of enough has been really present in my mind since reading Daring Greatly from Brene Brown.  I can so easily see in my life were I feel like I am not enough and that is from childhood.  I have never felt enough for anything.  I'm not Mexican enough, or American enough.  I'm not skinny enough for the normal girl clothes section or fat enough for the big girls section.  I'm smart but not I'm always just behind in getting a concept down or being able to express my thoughts fully.  I just told Dh the other day, I'm pretty but not pretty enough to make anyone want to risk actually hitting on me.  At the same time I'm not ugly enough for anyone to really notice me either.  I feel like I live in the gray space of invisibility.

I think most of that is a comfort thing.  I don't want to really be noticed because then I would have a responsibility. I want to be able to operate at my own place and in my own space.  I want to set a goal and achieve it; earn a masters, run a 10k, get some research published.  I think I lost my point but anyways, I am driven.  Driven by fear mostly but it works for me so onward I march.  Maybe someday I'll feel like I'm enough at something, hell maybe the best at something till then I gotta work.

going on a trip w/o Ravebaby and DH

So I'm going to a research conference on Sunday and I'm going to be gone for 4 days and 3 nights.  I'm going without Ravebaby and DH.  This will be the first time I'm going to be gone from Rave for more than 24 hrs.  Honestly I haven't been away from DH for this long since 2007!  I'm freaking out.

Thank God for Facebook and crunchy mamas as friends.  It's good to be able to reach out and not feel like a freak for never having really left my child.  I know many moms leave their kids overnight from the get go and if it works for them then more power to them.  I'm not that mom.  I did not have child to just keep living like I don't have one and I've been fortunate enough that I've been able to make life choices that allow me to max my time time with Rave and still allow me to not lose myself.  So I'm not hating on anyone.  I don't feel guilty about the way I live my life and you shouldn't either.

Anyways, I'm freaking out.  I'll report back how it goes.  I'm sure it will be fine.  Rave is in the best hands possible.  Anyone else other there wait til your child was older to be gone for the first time?

Soul-warming Wednesday - The Shiz

In cased you missed it the Hidden Village Music Festival is coming in March and as result I'm going to be posting about the different acts coming to Standpipe Coffeehouse in Lufkin!

Today I'm focusing on the incredible work of The Shiz.  They are awesome!  This won't be The Shiz's first time in Lufkin.  I'm lucky that I've been able to watch them twice so far and I can't wait for their return in March.  How these ladies are not as big as the Indigo Girls I honestly don't know.  I call this post soul-warming because that is the only way for me to describe their music.  It warms my soul.  Their song Happy Enough is like a little window into my soul.  The Shiz is about the music and lyrics.  They are about looking in the soul and giving it a way to express itself.  If you are looking for heavy production or fluff then you will need to look elsewhere.  The Shiz is the shiz for real!  See them March 8th live @ Standpipe Coffeehouse!

This is the link to follow The Shiz on spotify.  Go listen to them.  Happy Enough is just, well I have no words but they do so go listen!

Mamavation Monday: Cleaning up

So I think I need to just call this Mamavation One-day late post since I am never on my computer on Mondays to write but anyways, here it is one day late.

The topic this week is non-toxic cleaners.  I honestly never thought too much about what I used to clean until I had Ravebaby.  DH has very sensitive skin but I want things to look and smell clean so I would just buy stuff anyway.  Now that I'm making the move to making my own cleaners, I've noticed that DH's skin and allergies are better so I guess I owe DH a huge apology.  I just never made the connection between cleaners and our health.  Yep I'm that girl.

So with a husband, daughter, and myself all having sensitive skin, I have slowly been making my way to buying less cleaning stuff and turning to the internet for recipes to make my own stuff.  The only issue I've had with finding recipes is the call for orange.  DH is pretty allergic to oranges and I'm afraid to use any citric in the things I make since I don't want it to be exposure that puts on permanent Epi-pen alert.

The stuff I use the most to clean is borax powder.  I use it for my bathroom.  My mom who has cleaned houses and used just about everything on the market has also switched to borax powder.  She says nothing else cleans as well, lasts as long, and most importantly she doesn't break out after using it.  We also use borax in the kitchen to clean the stove and counter-tops.  It is also one of the main ingredients in my homemade laundry soap.  Here is the link for the soap.

So that is what we do, borax powder.  How about you?

2014 Hidden Village Music Festival the countdown . . .

The Hidden Village Music Festival is set to return to Standpipe Coffeehouse on March 8th!  I've got the Spotify music list going on the sidebar of Wheatless Mama or down in this post.  The line up is fantastic this year, just like it is every year!



Be there people!

Moving forward? Time for a CV

So I'm still in the process of deciding why I am getting my doctorate.  I get asked why all of the time and outside I'm being lead by God, which leads to some strange looks, I haven't really been sure.  I want to homeschool my child; however, I'm not the sort of woman who can stay at home with her kid all day.  Stay-at-home moms work their asses off and I ain't that girl.  So I have been thinking and thinking and getting my resume out there.  I'm not in a serious job hunt since I love my job as a GA but I am looking for full-time work to see where I might land and see where I am being lead. 

In an ideal world I would work part-time outside of the home as a lecturer or librarian.  I miss the library world so much!  The funny thing about being a lecturer is that I'm really only qualified to teach in a library program and the closest one is at Sam Houston, which is the rival to my current university SFA.  The rivalry thing aside, the commute is not that bad especially if only a couple of time a week.  This has me working on my CV.  A university wants to know that you are a researcher and can bring "honor" to the institution.  Here is the thing, I never planned on not working outside of the public school field so I've never presented at a conference or published a paper.  I've done the work and have some projects and papers that might would have been worthy but I never thought I needed it so I never got off my butt.  Now I need it to create a CV and I feel like I'm years behind! 

I am going to present a research paper with one of my co-hort members in a couple of weeks.  I'm not sure I have a lot to say so I'm nervous.  I feel like my professional life is suddenly on the line.  I know that that is not a true statement.  There will be jobs and opportunities a plenty in my future but I like a plan and I like working towards something so here I go.  I recently submitted a paper for publication.  It will be weeks before I hear back but I'm daring greatly and getting myself and my research out there.  I expect to be rejected.  I need to be rejected.  I'm not ready for publication but I also know that I'll never believe anything different until I get my first piece published.  I mean I never would have thought I would keep a 4.0 through 15 doctoral hours and yet here I am.  I am a researcher and I'm going to make it work along with being a homeschooling mother.  I can do this. 

This is my current jam (enjoy!  Ravebaby has me playing it day and night):

Mamavation Monday: 2-week challenge wrap up

So I finished the mamavation 2-week challenge and my number one take away, working out doesn't have to take hours!  Now when I run I'm usually making a commitment to running around an hour.  I am the sort of person that avoids weights mostly because I find them intimidating and I have know clue what to do.  So enter the 2-week challenge and a personal challenge to finish.  There were three workouts, cardio, abs, and arms.  You hit each one twice a week and watch your body change!  Now my results were dramatic,I think I need to have a better diet for dramatic but I'm very proud to report having lost an inch on my waist!  I have been amazed that none of the workouts took longer than 40 mins and I felt great.  I noticed the exercises got easier and I got faster. 

So I know I can commit to 40 mins a day for me.  The arms portion was the fastest so if nothing else I have zero excuse for not getting beautifully sculpted arms and as I build muscle I burn more fat!  I have dropped long runs for a more balanced workout.  I'm going for short runs 1-2 miles plus one of the exercise set from the 2-week challenge.  So I've already completed one of my goals for the year, to complete a 2-week challenge.  I'm feeling good and ready to keep it up.  I'm thinking next go around I'll sign up for the advanced 2-week, I mean if I stay on track the beginner will be too easy next time around.  Set my goals high, right?

Mamavation Monday: Week 1 of the 2 week challenge

Yes I know it's Tuesday but better late than never right!

I have survived week 1 of the Mamavation 2-week Challenge and I'm feeling surprising good.  I'm finding the workouts are getting easier and I seem to be getting curvier or that might just be my imagination but I'm taking it.  I am still a bit scared of the scale.  I hopped on Wednesday and it said 230, which is 3 lbs more than start, and then I hopped back on Friday and it said 225, which is a 2 lb loss from start weight.  I think this means that the scale doesn't mean shit.  5 pound swing in just a couple of days!  Anyways, I haven't done measurements but I think those will be a bit more true to showing a change for the better.

The 2-week challenge has introduce me to a couple of new exercises and brought back some old friends, sit-ups anyone?  My favorite day is Mama Guns, which is a killer arm work out.  Since my big goal for the year is to get stronger and stop being afraid of the weight room, this day really helps me get moving towards my goal.  I'm actually of thinking of keep the workout up and just adding back my running.  Rather than going long distances, I'm thinking just a mile or two after the work-out for the day.  We'll see what I do.  So far I'm pretty sure that this Mama is going to have some killer guns!

Mamavation Monday: Scale disappointment and a reality check

So I went to the doctor last week because I decided to go running in 32 degree weather without a hat or jacket.  Yep, I let the sunny looking day lull me into thinking it was warm and totally did not plan accordingly for a freezing north wind.  I only ran a mile but it was one of the hardest of my life.  My ears were hurting so badly I almost went to the ER.  I had never had pain like that in my life.

At the doctor's office they had me step up on the scale.  That evil evil scale!  Why do they start the visit that way?  The horrible number 227!  FUCK!  So at this point I have to options I can pretend I didn't hear or care or I can melt down.  I saved my meltdown rant for later on the safety of Mamavation sistahood.  I hate to admit it really got me down.  For all of the 10k training I had not lost a single pound.  Focus on the positive, right.  I ran a fucking 10k in the middle of December after earning a 4.0 in my doctorate work.  Super positive and yet that damn number is stuck in my head.  227 and suddenly I'm a failure. 

I know I'm far from a failure.  I know I can look at my life and see the good I am doing and yet I'm struggling to shake the number.  Here is the thing, I also know that if I didn't lose I also didn't gain too much.  When Ravebaby weaned at the end of May I gained about 10 lbs.  I also started my doctorate and I was sitting more and more.  If I haven't gained more than the initial weight then I know I'm doing well.  Before I had Ravebaby 4 years ago I was 250 lbs so I'm still better today than 4 years ago.  I'm wheat-free and moving towards more whole foods and cooking more.  As a family we have set a goal for ourselves to try new fruits and vegetables at least twice a month.  We started with butternut squash and this week we'll pick up some parsnips.  We are doing better food wise and I know that will translate to a healthier me no matter what the scale says.

So the reality check is I have a long way to go in learning to cook more of a variety of  food.  I'm also not as cool with the number on the scale as I thought I was.  I know it is a number and yet I feel like it is a judgement on my being.  I'll move forward with the help of my sistas!

Measurements for the start of the year:
Bust: 46
Underbust: 38
Waist: 44
Hips: 49
Weight: 227
Longest distant run: 10k

2013 Year End Review - 2014 Goals

So a quick year end review first.  2013 was not an easy year.  It was full of hard work and seemingly little pay off.  Of course I'm saying that in my whiney voice.  This last 6 months have been very hard but I survived and I'm better for it.  Here is a list of victories for 2013 (not bragging just reminding myself that it wasn't all bad)
1. I have a 4.0 in my doctorate program after 5 classes (Fall 2013 had me taking 3 classes so I'm very surprised by the 4.0)
2. I completed my first 10k with a time of 83:30.  I set the goal at the beginning of the semester so it was a good end to the whole thing.
3. DH has an ownership stake in the local coffee shop.  Never saw that coming.
4.  Ravebaby is alive and well!  Not always an easy thing to do with an active pre-schoolers who also has a wheat allergy.

2013 was okay but I'm ready to kick 2014 in the ding-dong (Per Max Reynolds of Social Bliss).  I'm setting just a few fitness goals and keeping myself flexible since the 10k was a mid-year goal.  I don't want to focus on my weight.  Honestly I'm so sick of that shit!  I'm a big girl and I'm beautiful.  Fitness to me is about being and feeling stronger so that is what I want.
Goal 1 - Complete at least one Mamavation 2-week bootcamp.  This will push me to do some strength building workouts with accountability.  I hate weights but I got to get stronger for goal #2.
Goal 2 - Work my mile time down to 12min miles. I think this is modest and do able.  Right now I'm at 13:30/mile.  I'm at a loss how to do this but I'll get there.
Goal 3 - Run another race.  The weekend doctorate classes have kept me out of most races this last semester but I want to keep completing races.  I think it will keep me running since I"m goal oriented and it will keep me working toward Goal 2.

Goals not set - weight.  This just doesn't seem like a good measure of anything so why bother focusing on it?
Distance - I want to run a marathon at some point but I just don't want to go there yet.  I want to run faster maybe I'll end up running a half-marry or full marry who knows at this point.

So that is the year-end review and where I'm thinking of going.  Let ring in the new year and then kick in the ding-dong!

Happy Birthday Ravebaby

Ravebaby is now 4.  Her birthday was yesterday.  Really I should be calling her RaveChild but it doesn't have the same ring.
Time flies by so quickly.  Seems she was just a baby and now she is so grown up.  She is all of four but she is so grown for her age.
Happy birthday Ravebaby!

Slut, Ho, Tramp and other words I'm not sure I'm using correctly

Okay so last night DH and I had a conversation about words used to describe a woman's sexuality/sexual activity.  As a first-generation Mexican American I feel like I have missed out on some on the subtleties of the English language.  In an effort to help the rest of my fellow ESL folks here is the proper usage of terms of female sexuality, according to DH and life in deep East Texas:

(ranked in no particular order, mustly just alphabetic since I am a librarian)

Bitch - This word is more about attitude than sex.  To be stubborn or contrary or in general not doing what a man wants you to do

Heifer - This is a regional word used to mean a woman that is very large or bitchy. 

Ho - This is a shorten form of Whore and this is a very bad thing.  To be a HO one must not only be promiscuous but also stupid or dimwitted.

Hooker - Another term for a prostitute but not as bad a term as whore

Promiscuous - to have many sexual partners in a short amount of time.  This person might not be promiscuous all of the time and the total sexual number of partners over her life time might actually be small. 

Prostitute - One who takes money in exchange for sex
 
Slut - this is a positive term used to describe a woman who is comfortable in her sexuality
           This is why slut-shaming is bad.  Everyone should be comfortable in their sexuality and own it and no  one had the right to make you feel bad about knowing who you are.
              A slut is not necessarily promiscuous.  Someone who is promiscuous is not necessarily a slut.  However, you can be both at the same time.  That is like a geometry proof!

Tramp - this word has fallen out of fashion and is now commonly used to describe a tattoo above a woman's butt crack.  To be a tramp a woman must be a submissive person who is easily lead.  This woman may be monogamous or promiscuous, either way this is a state imposed on her.  Often she wants love and affection but is given sex instead.


Whore - this is a derogatory word for a prostitute. 

This is not a comprehensive list just a start and a start in conversation.  What do we mean when we use one of these words?  Context changes the means of words and thankfully context will usually tell you what the word means but if you are an ESL kid like me context doesn't give you everything.

I hope you find this list helpful and please feel free to add.  This is just a list as I currently understand it.  I mean I thought a hood-rat was an actually species of rodent so I could totally have one of these wrong.

Mamavation Mom Application

So I decided to apply to be the next Mamavation Mom!  I'm so excited about the possibility to detox my house and lose weight.  Actually I'm not so concerned about the weight thing.  It has been a while since I blogged mostly thanks to the whole working on a doctorate thing but back in September I started working toward running a 10K!  The 10K is next week and I'm ready but this leads to the whole weight thing since I have not lost a single pound!  At least I didn't gain!

Anyways back to Mamavation.  I love the whole group of Mamavation Moms.  They are a super supportive group and I'm excited about getting back into the Mamavation swing of things.  My schooling has pushed everything not school and family to the back burner but I'm ready to get back to normal and enjoy some social media time again.

If you are so inclined, I highly encourge you to join Mamavation.  Seriously a more supportive sistahood does not exists online.  Here is the link for more information on becoming a Mamavation Mom:

http://www.mamavation.com/2013/12/apply-for-mamavation-detox-weight-loss-boot-camp-january-campaign.html

So join up!

Oh and here is my application video.  Enjoy!

Learning that I am worthy

So my struggle to feel worthy of love, respect, anything, is nothing new to anyone who has read my blog with any frequency. In the last few weeks I have found a new avenue for trying to feel worthy. It happened quite by accident and I have TV to blame for it.

The story as follows:
I woke up early one Sunday morning about fours weeks ago and discovered both DD and DH were still asleep. Sunday is my sleep in day so DD usually wakes me up. I was annoyed to be up early on a Sunday but grateful for the "me" time. I've become a fan of the Travel Channel as of late and I turned to find a show I had seen several times before. I don't really like rewatching shows and I settled in for some channel surfing. Why I turned to OWN first I have no clue but I'm glad I did.

On the screen was Oprah speaking to Dr. Brene Brown. The familiar Texas accent kept me from changing the channel immediately. As I watched I began hear real words of wisdom. It wasn't someone who was enlightened and above me trying to tell me about how I should live my life but a down to earth struggling human just like me.

Now I don't do self help books or follow gurus but after Brene's Super Soul Sunday appearance, I have to admit I'm hooked. If you are not familiar with Brene's work, I highly recommend looking up her TED talk. (Actually I linked it at the bottom of this post.). She is a shame researcher. Normally that would have made me run but on that day I listened. Hearing the universal nature of shame and how to move past it so as to learn to feel worthy just spoke to my soul. I checked out Brene's book, Daring Greatly, from the library and devoured it. I am read pretty slowly and between doctoral work assignment all I really want to do is hang with my family but I just could not put the book down.

Who doesn't want to feel worthy? Who doesn't deal with shame on some level? Who would not want to do everything in their power to make sure their child never questions their own worth? So I read. I've seen Brene's TED talks and OWN appearances and I just bought her book The Gifts of Imperfection. I am moving forward to feeling and living like I am worthy and I am enough because I am worthy and I am enough. What I really like about Brene Brown is that she admits she struggles with all of the worthy and shame issues too. As I move forward I know that at the least I know one other person is also struggling on this path, of course Brene's point is we are not alone.

Anyways, at this point I have DH and most of the coffee crew reading Daring Greatly. We are doing a pseudo-reading group. It is amazing feeling like I can talk about shameful things and know that I was never alone in dealing with those things, I was just afraid to be judged for those things.

I highly recommend you look up Dr. Brene Brown. At this point in my life, Brene Brown was the voice I needed to hear. I am vulnerable and my shame in feeling vulnerable has been holding me from really living my life. As part of my doctoral program, we are working towards critical self-reflection. Do you know how vulnerable and naked it feels when talking about your grammar mistakes in front of a group of doctoral students? Or being the ex-teacher who thinks public education is bullshit in a room full of current teachers and principals? It is not a good feeling but I am surviving and I think I am learning that standing out and up for what I believe is actually a good thing. I have no reason to hide me because it am worthy of respect and of my feelings and if I can stand up and dare greatly in sharing my opinions then I might just open another persons eyes to the wonders of unschooling. I know I am totally losing my point with my rambling.

So to conclude go and read some Brene Brown.

18 years and counting

So today, DH and I are celebrating 18 years of being a couple.  We met in high school health class.  The usually boy meets girl.  They become friends and then girl asks boy out and the rest is history.

It has been an amazing adventure with DH.  I could have never predicted our lives today.  When we met all of those years ago we just clicked but honestly we were just friends.  We could just chill and talk.  We went to different colleges several hours apart and seemingly forgot to break-up.  Come December we'll celebrated 12 years of marriage.  Life just has a way of working itself out.

When DH and I first started dating, we would talk about the future in fun not going to be married to you terms.  Who expects to marry their high school sweetheart especially when you are going away to different colleges? We've all heard those stories of long-distance love that grows apart.  We were under no illusion that we would end up together.  DH would talk about naming his sons Mister and Master.  I would laugh at him and tell him he would be lucky to find a woman who would agree to that.  He knows there will be no naming of a son Mister nor Master.  I wanted to be a teacher, plain and simple.  I wanted four kids, maybe five.

So here we are 18 years later.  There is only one child in our lives.  Somedays I wonder why we fought and worked so hard to get a child and then she'll say the right thing and it breaks my heart that she is still an only child.  I would have never pictured being 9 months from turning 35 and with only one child.  I do know that God's timing is perfect.  If I had tried to plan my life it would have been a total mess.  God is in control and while there are days, I know that there is no place else I want to be.  I know to DH the number of children we have does not matter.  One or five as long as we are a happy and together family our size is the least of our concerns.

Having always dreamed of a large family of my own, I have to admit there are days I lose hope.  With the magical ending age of fertility just around the corner, I have to acknowledge that I'm not super cool with the idea of being pregnant after the age of 35.  If we have struggle so much now then surely that door will shut completely then.  I know its not true.  I know it is all in my head and that my being on my period right now, right at the I will be 35+ when I have another baby is just weighting on me.  Age is nothing but a number right?  Still it feels important to say that this was my last chance to be under 35 and have another baby.  Well there is not point crying over an unfertilized egg.  God has a plan and I must just accept and understand that I might not understand the plan for a while.

Today we celebrate 18 years together.  Through thick and thin, richer and poorer, sickness and health, wheat-filled and wheat-free, two dogs to a family with only one and one beautiful blessing of a daughter, I have to say that I would be stupid to question God's timing now.

Goodbye my sweet Jasmin

Our dog Jasmin died yesterday.  She had been involved in a car accident on Friday and Saturday she passed away despite a clear and hopeful diagnoses from the vet.  Devastated does not begin to describe the feeling of losing her.

As you'll recall I've written about Jasmin and our other dog Snoopy before.  I've talked about how adopting them was the step I needed to finally open up to be a mother.  I've heard other pet-parents say it before when they lose a pet, it was not just a pet it was a child.  Not to long ago a friend posted about losing her dog and how it was worse then losing her father.  The pain was that of losing a child.  Yes, we all know it was a pet.  Jasmin was a dog but she was more than a dog to me.

I remember the day I picked up my Jasmin.  Snoopy was so high energy that we decided we needed to find him a playmate.  He interviewed so many different dogs and no one was the right fit until we met Jasmin.  She was so small and thin.  She was newly spaded and had seen her last puppy adopted out.  She was in foster care and her foster mother had posted her on Petfinder and I just happened to find the posting.  Snoopy and Jasmin just belonged together from the first moment they met.  Kismet was a good word for it.

I will miss so much about my Jasmin.  It was so hard yesterday coming home knowing she would not be at the door to greet me.  She had been at the door everyday for just over 6 years.  She had a smile that would melt your heart and yes she did smile.  She was so vocal; I can't recall exactly how many times I would try to shhh her but to no avail.

Jasmin was a street dog before we got her.  Her history before that is unknown.  What we came to discover was that she had been shot and carried buckshot in her body always.  I know she was terrified of storm drains and fireworks put her in an absolute panic.  My girl had a hard life before we got her.  I'm glad that in her last years she was in a happy home and I hope she knew she was loved.

I'm not sure when I'll stop crying.  Seems like I've been crying for days between the accident Friday til now tears have been flowing.  The room was so empty.  No Jasmin to watch out for when DD got up to go to the bathroom last night.  No Jasmin in the corner snoring.  The house despite a crazy Snoopy is very still and quiet.  I know she is gone and there is no bringing her back.  I hope that maybe I learn to be a little more like Jasmin.  Just learn to go with the flow, able to forget the past and the bad stuff in it and just enjoy the now.  She was such a good girl.

Goodbye my sweet Jasmin.  Mommy loves you.  Thank you for choosing us and making our world bigger and better.  I hope you knew that we loved you so very much.  That without you DD would not have been as happy a little girl.  I hope that all of treats that we snuck you despite your diet showed you that we cared.  I hope all of the hugs were enough to let you know you were forever home with us.  I have no clue where you are now and if we'll ever met again but know you'll always be in our hearts because you were the one that helped open them up when we didn't even know they were closed.  Goodbye my Jasmin.

For those of you who want to read DH's response to the passing of our Jasmin just click here.  He posted several more picture of our sweetheart.

My original post about Jasmin from 2009.   Interesting that I had forgotten that she use to sleep with her legs straight out.  Time flew too quickly.

Wordless Wednesday: Ravebaby and Davon and the tomato

Ravenbaby with comedian Davon Magwood at the"world famous" Jacksonville Tx tomato!

Two classes left for semester 1

So just a quick check-in.  I'm doing pretty well in my classes.  They are not easy and I'm learning, reading and writing so much that my brain hurts.  I'm really enjoying myself.  The members of my cohort are great people and we have very lively discussions.  I'm still waiting for the first real fight or for someone to cry.  You know the things that really bind a group of people together!

It is so hard to believe that this semester is almost over.  I've gotten the major papers in but there is still so much work left for these last two weeks.  After July 26th, I'm on break for almost a month!  Hopefully I'll get a chance to write more blog posts then.

As for my personal life, it is up and down.  DH and I strong as a unit which means fighting as we both learn to deal with my new life as a doctoral student and his own project that is still under wraps for the moment.  DD is finally getting into the new groove too.  She was extremely clingy at first on the weekends but she has calmed down.  I think my resolution to work hard at school and then come home and just be mom has helped there. 

As far as my own mind is concerned I'm expanding my vocabulary and trying to learn to be one of those smart people they uses quantify in a sentence instead of just saying measure.  Or my favorite, I am writing a personal narrative instead I'm writing a story.  So yes, I'm going to try to smarten up my blog post simply because I need the practice.  Besides I can run the discourse on this blog any which direction I want :)

Bittersweet: 3 years, 5 months, and 15 days (Breastfeeing pics included)

If you are a regular reading you will noticed that the Breastfeeding Timeline is now gone.  As of two weeks ago Ravebaby totally weaned.  My goal for nursing was 2 years.  I never imaged that I would go almost 3 and half years.

 It is bittersweet.  I am happy to have my body back.  I no longer have to worry about being able to nurse out of what I am wearing.  While it had been about 5 months since we last nursed in public and about 3 since she had nursed at anytime beside bedtime, in my mind I have always had boobs as a ready and willing tool for curing ouchies or helping her go to sleep.  We snuggle and we are both happy with it.  I nudged her to wean and then she decided it was time. 

Ravebaby weaning just in time for me to start my doctorate.  I thought she would regress.  I figured she want to nurse as soon as she saw and then stay on the boob all the time.  I think she just realized that there was lot of life away from the boobs and besides, mom's boobs don't make chocolate milk.

So anyways there you have it.  I am officially no longer a breastfeeding mom.  It is incredible to me that this one decision to breastfeed has changed me so much.  I am wheatless because I breastfed a wheatless baby.  As I sit here eating my Gluten-Free Glutino Toaster Pastery, I have to smile.   I don't miss wheat.  When DH got his "death sentence" of a wheat allergy 10 years ago, I was in shock and had no clue what to do.  When we saw the signs in DD at 3 weeks,  I went cold turkey.  Now, eating wheat makes me sick.  I can tell when I've had wheat.  I just don't miss it anymore. 

My breastfeeding journey maybe over but the wheatlessness will continue.  My blogging will be more sporadic too.  I started my doctorate classes on June 1st and I am swamped with work.  I'll be around and still glued to my computer but I might not have much blogging time.

Always a winner?

Okay I am getting so sick of being told that I am always a winner. I hate that idea because to have a winner you must have a loser. I am not cool with the idea of a someone losing but anyways. I have bigger issue with the idea that I haven't worked my ass off to get myself into position to win.

So the current example is the whole getting into the doctorate program. I kept hearing well duh you're going to get in. Hello, I have two Masters degrees! I have worked my ass off. It was still not a for gone conclusion. These programs pick the personalities that match them and as me as I am, I tend to rub people the wrong way. No guarantee I was going to get in.

I really feel like the whole thing is about people either not knowing me or wanting to overlook the work. I do not come from privilege. I come from a line of hard working people and working hard is what I do best. Getting into the doctorate was the fruit of 33 years of work. Nine years in public education with at least one boss that was so awful and that hated me so much I almost got fired and was on the verge of being unable to finish my MLIS. I have worked. Unlike DH, I was not blessed with super high IQ, I have always had to work, even in high school.

So I am not a winner, I just refuse to lose. I rarely quit but when I do it is after finally realizing that my work is done and I have over stayed my welcome. I just don't give up easily, not to say that I don't give up. I am selective about what I choose to attack but fear of hard work is not usually a reason for me to not go for something. The point of the rambling: I am not a winner just too stubborn and hard-headed to give up and/or take no for an answer.

Sober

DH has been sober for 3 years, which means he is an alcoholic.  My husband, the man I met in 10th grade health class, is a drunk, a wino, a alcoholic.  Honestly it pains me to say it.  It hurts every time I think about it.  My dad is also an alcoholic.  I think that is why it was so natural for me to not see it with DH.  I don't think I really know what a healthy relationship with alcohol is suppose to look like. 

DH never drank in high school.  He too is from a family of people with alcohol issues.  He like most kids started in college.  Me, I never wanted to really drink.  I was too afraid I would become an alcoholic.  I never realized how much DH was drinking in college.  When we would spend weekends together, he didn't drink.  Since I didn't drink, he didn't.  In college most of my friends were from families of alcoholics so drinking was not something we did.  I guess we figured we should just avoid it so that we could avoid becoming what we had grown up with.

When we got married I had only had one too many once.  Since marrying DH over 11 years ago, I know my count of nights of one too many hoovers around 10.  How can I let him drink alone?  In my mind I was sharing with my husband not enabling an alcoholic.  DH taught me to drink.  Wine tastings, beer tastings, flights of various liquors and yet alcohol has never been a problem for me.  I can take it or leave it.  Even in all of that I never saw the problem for him.  He slowly began to tell me about the drinking in college.  He made sure that I know that he was an alcoholic from the start of our marriage but I never saw a problem with him drinking because that is what my dad does.  My dad knows alcohol can be a problem for him but he knows his limits and drinks on occasion so I didn't know that DH was struggling.  I don't know what a healthy relationship with alcohol looks like.

So when Ravebaby was born and DH poured out all of the liquor in the house and finally told me once and for all that was it, he was sober and no more alcohol, then I saw what I had been missing.  My brain finally turned on and saw it for what it was, a problem.  I am not mad at DH.  I proud of him for seeing the problem and talking about the problem and making me see the problem.  I am mad at me for being blind to it.  I am scared that it will happen again.  I am worried I am going to miss it and it is going to be too late for help. 

See, my marriage has three people in it.  Me, DH, and DH's other main squeeze, Alcohol.  She is always there.  Sometimes I feel like she is in between us.  I don't mind her.  I don't mind seeing her.  Actually my problem is when I forget she's there.  When I relax and take a deep breath and then I get smacked in the face when DH says, "I have been itching for a drink."  Slam, how could I forget?

Watching Nashville last night and seeing Deacon, the country singing alcoholic, fall off the wagon felt too real.  I begged Deacon not to drink.  Tears poured out of me as he drank.  I screamed at the tv when he asked for another.  I got mad when he skipped the meeting to get drunk.  I felt like I was watching my future.  I know it is a TV show.  I know Deacon isn't real except he is. 

This isn't pre-Ravebaby days.  There is a lot on the line now.  DH tells me that he got sober for himself.  He tells me that Ravebaby and I are what help him stay sober.  He knows what is at stake.  I am still afraid I am going to miss it.  I am afraid I am going to be blind to it.  I trust DH.  I know DH but I am still afraid.  Three years sober is nothing in the grand scheme of things.  I know people fall off the wagon all the time.  I know you can fall and pick yourself up again.  I just can't control any of it and so I am mad about it. 

#Mamavation Monday: Overwhelming

Yesterday I decided to put all of my summer classes into my calendar. I had done that for my last masters program and I found it really helped me make decisions and for planning. I had seen the dates in my information but going from a list to putting them on my calendar made it super real and super overwhelming. I have class every Friday in June. I have two Saturdays in June. In July I have the the first weekend off (for the 4th) and then I have every Friday and two Saturdays. My Fridays will be noon til 8:30pm! That is a long time to be in class!

Since I stopped full time over a year ago, I haven't really spent that much time away from Ravebaby. I know the schedule will be a huge change for her. I am also debating my work schedule. Right now it is m-f 9-2, so not too bad but my program is in the next town over so Fridays will basically be a wash for work. It also means only Sundays with my family. At this point I am just not sure how to pay for my degree, the gas to drive up there nor the car that I will need since right now DH and I just share one.

Here is the thing, I am overwhelmed but at peace. The ultimate, if God will lead you to it then he/she will lead you through it. I know I will have resolution and everything I need. I know Ravebaby will adjust and DH will be supportive but looking at my calendar and seeing zero free weekends is scary.

I have decided to try working in walking at my current job. Today my co-worker and I got in a half-mile. Not too great but in the Texas sun after a couple of months of sitting on my butt I think it is okay. I have also put my foot down with DH. We must work out. I need to stress relief. It is amazing to me how much better I feel, how much more at peace. So I gotta keep it up!

This post is sponsored by Noelle Katai and Mamavation – a community dedicated to obesity prevention & weight loss for women and I’m writing this to be entered into a giveaway

Mother's Day tattoo

For Mother's Day/birthday gift, DH got me my first tattoo. I love it. It is still healing and I'll have at least another session for color but still love. So here it is:

So a word about the subject matter. It is a breastfeeding pinup. It is based on one I had found online but Pat the tattoo artist personalized it for me. The original had roses. I hate roses so we added a dogwood for Ravebaby's home state. Even once we add the color the tattoo is in complete and that is on purpose. I wanted to leave room for more flowers for any more children that we might have. I also had Pat making the baby more like Ravebaby instead of just a massive curl, we have lots of subtle curls. Pat also turned the nose and added a nose ring stud for me.

So why this? To me pinups are the ultimate in sexy and beauty. As a nursing mother I don't think any other moments captured motherhood for me like nursing. This tattoo is the most beautiful woman doing the most beautiful thing. I feel like I should name her, the tattoo that is. We'll see if one ever materializes. Anyways that is my first tattoo. Isn't it great!

#mamavation monday: stomache flu is not a weightloss plan

This weekend was spent fighting my body and my husband for the toilet.   I don't recommend the stomach flu.   I have read stories of people who eat tape worms to try to lose weight.  I've known people who were bulimic and after having my head in the toilet playing homage to the porcelain gods i have no clue who anyone does that just to fit into a pair of jeans.

Anyways after spending all of Sunday in bed out on the toilet and not being able to eat at all working out is not on my radar.   I know i need to get back into a routine. I miss working out. I miss running. I miss feeling strong. I must get off my ass.

 This post is sponsored by Dr. Ken and Mamavation – a community dedicated to obesity prevention & weight loss for women and I’m writing this to be entered into a giveaway 

Losing my gig-ginity

Last night Red Shoe P$&@? played our first show. I was okay until I started playing. I felt so naked. I was scared and shaking. I missed serval notes on 7 nation Army but managed to calm myself enough to play the rest of the show pretty mistake free. I even managed to keep my cool enough during Cherrybomb to look up at the crowd. I am not going to lie, I was shaking for the rest of the night.

Rockerwife, my bandmate and soul sister, loved it. Her nerves calmed down once the music started! I think it helped that she was behind a drum kit so there was less nakedness. She did great! We already have our next gig lined up! Hard to believe we have only been playing for 6 months. We're going to try to work out a new song before the next gig and I am really looking forward to starting a new song. I am not sure that I am ready to jump on stage again but I also know that if I don't I won't so on to The Second Annual This Won't Suck in Shreveport next month.

Hugs: Embrace your archnemises

So the last two months or so a Facebook post on hugging has been making the rounds.  I have seen it attributed to the Dalai Lama but who knows where is comes from but here is a version of it:





Anyways this has brought to mind the whole idea of hugging.  Being Mexican hugging is pretty normal.  We hug we give cheek kisses in general most Mexicans are very outwardly affectionate.  Being married to a black man, I have come to expect and enjoy the super hugs I receive from people who are total strangers to me but family via my husband.  I am from a family of hugs.  We love them and give them freely with each other.

I have many friends that are not from the same hugging affectionate crowd.  With them it is difficult to hug.  It is difficult to trust that when going in for a hug I won't be rejected.  I guess really comes to the heart of the matter: trust.  While yes Jesus was betrayed by a hug and a kiss, you have to have a certain openness or trust with someone to go in for the hug.  Trust that I am not invading your space but that I am welcomed into it.

How hard is it to hug someone you don't know?  Honestly I find it pretty easy.  I find it harder to hug someone I know.  If I "know" you in theory I trust you and in theory it should be easy but it also means that I know you are not a huggy person.  I know that a hug is an invasion to you no matter who does the hugging.  I can't hug you without making you feel uncomfortable and that makes me uncomfortable.  Hugs are an expression of affection, of love, or caring and of accepting.

So with all of that in mind I threw down a personal challenge to hug my Archnemises.  He is not from a hugging family.  High fives and handshakes but no hugs.  This was a true challenge for both of us.  It is weird to hug a mirror.  Anyways, I threw down my challenge on Monday and by Friday it was time to put up or shut up.  To make matters stranger, Archnemises was deathly ill so great bring on the germs.  We did hug.  It was strange.  It wasn't the warmest hug ever but thawing takes heat.

I think hugging is going to become part of the coffee crew greeting.  The crew is not much for hugging and I think it speaks to a lack of trust.  Maybe its is because we are all so hot that we worry that we'll just start making out mid-hug but I have a solution for that!  The good ol' Christian side hug!  No genitals near each other but still warm and friendly :)  Anyways, I did hug Archnemises on Monday and it was not as frosty.  See progress made!

Anyways, embrace people.  If the hugging rule is true, we all need hugs.  We all need to feel invited, accepted, and loved.  If I can hug my archnemises, then surely we can all grow instead of just survive.

Wordless Wednesday: Red Shoe P$&@?

#Mamavation Monday: dress your body

<p dir=ltr>One aspect of weight loss that is really easy to over look is dressing yourself. I know for me i have been struggling with dressing myself.&#160;&#160; I have never had much style but when i was a bigger girl it was easy to find tents to wear. Now as a normal sized girl 14/16 I have no clue what to wear. I mean i don't want to wear tents anymore but i have a wonderful upper and lower spare tire. I have a waist but rolls on to and bottom. How in the heck do i dress that? </p>
<p dir=ltr>I went with a great group of girls to the woodlands to shop. I knew I would probably be in the plus size section but I was hoping for more selection. I did find some great pieces including a beautiful red super trendy dress. Honestly I look hot in it and you know I never say anything like that about myself.  I was disappointed I'm the lack of choices especially I'm colors.  I would find a great top only to discover they only had it in day-glo Orange.  What is with neon colors this season?

Anyway, I think i need a stylist our to be nominated for what not to wear.   I know i can dress better but have no clue where to start.

This post is sponsored by Doctor G and hosted by Mamavation – a community dedicated to obesity prevention & weight loss for women and I’m writing this to be entered into a giveaway ”

7 days til infamy

So what will I be doing in seven day that will lead to infamy? I or rather I should say we have our first gig. We being Rockerwife and myself. We are an all girl punk-jazz fusion band. So far it is just me on a bass guitar and Rockerwife on the drums. We have fun and for the last 6 months or so we talked about playing in front of people. Well on Friday at Factory 16 we will do just that.

Why the infamy? I like the word. I don't think we are going to get a record contract from our three song set or anything like that. We have fun and we want the challenge of preforming in front of a crowd. I think it helps that we know the venue owner, who is also Rockerwife's husband and my bass teacher. You would think that meant we were shoe ins for a spot on the band list but it doesn't. We were told to practice 6 days a week for one month and he might think about putting us on. We stepped it up and have been practicing 6 days a week. Our set gets tighter and better each practice. Ravebaby knows just about the entire set by heart, lyrics and rhythm.

I can't believe I said at the beginning of the year, I want to play a gig and here we are April and I'm going to do it. Now what am I going to do with the rest of the year? I guess expand from three songs to 10 and headline at some point.

Oh by the way the band is Red Shoe P? The P keeps changing. I think we have settled on a dirty word in Korean but I have no clue how to write it. Anyways we kick ass and Friday everyone will get to see us play.