Chick-lit Loving Soul

I wrote this as part of an assignment, a much longer assignment.  In case you didn't know, well now you do.  Enjoy!

                    I am a librarian.  As a result people expect that I am very well read and enjoy reading classics in my off time.  The true is often disappointing to people.  I only read classics as required by courses and I enjoy chick-lit.  I enjoy a lot of chick-lit.  When I saw the novel requirement for the poetics of leadership assignment, I knew I would no longer be able to hide my passion for reading the equivalent of trash.  Unlike my co-hort members, I could not turn to the respectable works of Shakespeare, Bronte, or Hemingway.  I have no intimate knowledge of the words of Fitzgerald or Austen. 

                   As a scholar-practitioner, I have to forgive my lack of passion for the classics and embrace my love of chick-lit.  In loving my chick-lit loving soul, I realize there are probably more people like me, who are not well read and struggle to answer questions like what is your favorite William Faulkner book?  Not being well read is not the sign of a frivolous mind but of a person who faces life all day so prefers to escape into fiction.

                   The result of the merging of my chick-lit loving soul and my scholar-practitioner metaphor is The Undomestic Goddess by Sophie Kinsella.  Kinsella is known for her book series Shopaholic and I imagine she is not well known among those whom prefer Machiavelli with their tea.  For me, Kinsella's work is the highest form of escapist reading.  I am transported to London, where most of her books take place, and I live the life of women trying to find love and balance.  

Anyway that is the introduction to the novel section of my Poetics of Leadership assignment.  If you feel like watching the final product here is the link.  Like I stated earlier this is part of much larger assignment.

Wordless Wednesday: bag garden

The day Mac and Cheese almost derailed my life

So maybe not so dramatically but it felt like it.

Last week I walked in to find Ravebaby enjoying the mess out of a cup of microwaved Kraft Mac&Cheese.  I think for many parents this would have been a cute sight.  A wonderful picture opportunity to share on Facebook.  A cute yellow covered face with a huge smile and the perfectly place cup in that beautiful little hand.  For me, my blood ran cold and I went into panic mode.  Yes my beautiful wheat-allergic daughter had just consumed a huge amount of wheat! 

I know I was showing my panic.  My mother and father, who had been watching Ravebaby at the time, were freaking out.  Ravebaby started to freak out and yell at her grandmother for giving her wheat.  I had to take a deep breath and start calming down at least outwardly.  I was honestly freaking out.  First few thoughts, is she breathing okay?  Should I take her to the ER?  Do I call DH?  What do I do now?  Why didn't I throw that stupid cup of mac and cheese away a long time ago?

Once I could think again, I got Ravebaby her allergy meds and called DH because I needed to hear from someone that I had done the right thing.  Ravebaby was fine.  I think we were more freaked out than hurt initially.  The first day there wasn't any real reaction.  Maybe she had outgrown the allergy?  Could it be?  Was my daughter ready to join the ranks of the "normal" kids?  Yes, I love her just the way she is but I'm a mom and "normal" would still be nice. 

Anyways, the hope gives way to night terrors!  A big huge fuck you and your hope too to me.  It has been a week since the mac and cheese and she has been sleep walking and waking up at least five times a night.  Her attitude stinks; mostly due to lack of good sleep, I think.  So far outside of losing sleep, nothing else has really reacted.  No horrible skin break outs.  No sickness.  She has living on gas medicine but otherwise pretty good overall. 

I know plenty of wheatfree mamas out there have guilt and stories similar to mine.  I'm sharing so you know you are not alone.  I watch what Ravebaby eats but I'm not with her 24/7 and she is getting older and pulling food for herself.  She is going to eat wheat.  She has done it before and she'll do it again.  All I can do is take a deep breath and be ready to give her her allergy meds and gas meds and lose sleep.  I'm so lucky it is not worse.  I don't know what I would do if this ever turned deadly.  So far so good.  No point in worrying about a bridge before I get to it, right?

Wordless Wednesday: Ravebaby's Map

Wordless Wednesday: at the Houston Zoo

#Mamavation Monday: Changing Lives

First let me apologize for not blogging for Mamavation for so long.  My doctoral classes have been kicking my butt and when it is not kicking me, I'm just so brain dead I feel like I have no brain power to blog.  Anyways I'm here!

So the question of the week is what have I done to positively impact my family?  The number one thing I did was have a homebirth.  This isn't an ad for homebirth or about one type of birth being better than another.  Simply put it was the single most life changing decision I've made that still has a positive impact today.

What about that decision has been so impactful?  It spiraled my life for the better.  I know having a child in general can do that but if I reflect back on my life and my attitude toward life before my homebirth, I almost don't recognize myself.

The homebirth led to breastfeeding.  The breastfeeding led to discovering my daughter's wheat allergy.  That lead to going gluten-free which led to eating better then to being active in label reading and finding information on GMOs and trying to go green.  For me it all started with being welcomed into the "crunchy" community via my homebirth.  I wasn't green or hippy-ish before the homebirth and the homebirth community opened my eyes to the importance of the what goes into my body.

The homebirth also changed my outlook on myself.  I felt stronger afterward.  I felt like I could do anything since I had pushed a baby out in my living-room.  I felt more like the woman I was always meant to be and as a result I feel like I live stronger.  As the mother of a daughter, I want my daughter to see being a woman is about being strong and that we can do anything we want.  I don't want to be the do as I say not as I do sort of person so I must show her strength and not just talk about it.

To me this is were Mamavation fits into my life.  I learn about strength, both physical and spiritual, from my fellow Sistas!  Mamavation has given me tools for greening my life as well as working out.  I love that I can turn to the Sistahood when I'm feeling weak.  When I need extra support or just a safe place to bitch.  I love the Sistahood and before my homebirth I would have never reached out to join so yes, my homebirth changed everything for me and my family.

Song response: Emblem3 - Chloe (You're the one I want)

If you don't know this song then look it up.  It is fun and pop-py and sounds like a wonderful idea.  You are just you and I love you for you but listen and it quickly turns into the backhanded complement of the year!

Lyrics:
Chloe, I know your sister turns everyone on
But you're the one I want

No talk about Chloe being hot.  Nothing about Chloe at all.  We know her sister is hot but what about Chloe?  Is she the fat one with a great personality?  What about her turns you on?  I think you just hope the fat chick will put out.

Lyrics:
I love the way that you like candle light

Why the candlelight?  So that you don't have to see my face?  Seriously!

The video is even worse for the back-hand!  They won't let in the models but the Chloes are all model without makeup on!  Where are the girls that look like me?  Actual curves and a spare tire?  I'm fucking hot and turn people on too, right?  Well according to Emblem3, they just settle for me.  I'm not that hot but maybe I'll put out for the right complement.  I don't like this song.

Statistics and me

I have another confession to make and it is one that I have made freely to people but I don't think I've really talked about it here.  I'm afraid of statistics.  I know that is a common fear but it is one that has kept me out of my professional/educational path for a long time. 

See I have two Masters degrees.  When people hear that they are always so impress or think I'm crazy but the reason I have two Masters degrees is statistics.  Rather than face the challange of learning statistics, which I knew I would need for a doctorate, I took the easy way out and earned another Masters degree.  It's a bit crazy.  Fear is a bit crazy in general.

Why talk about this now?  Well it has come to a head.  I have declared myself for the Research and Evaluation cognate for my doctorate in Ed leadership which means statistics!  I'm terrified.  I'm in a catch-22 at the moment.  I have no background in statistics but I'm too advanced in my studies for an elementary stats class.  As a fellow doctoral student told me, "You are too smart.  They teach to the lowest person in the class.  You'll be bored and feel like you've wasted your money."  I know she's right but I'm just so afraid since I'm already coming in behind.  I've decided to work my way through the elementary statistics book so that I can get a foundation in stats and then I'll be jumping into the deep end of the pool with a stats class at the Masters level.  I already said I was scare right? 

If I am going to dare greatly then I have to risk failing.  I don't want to take the easy way out and just choose curriculum and instruction for my cognate.  I want to be a researcher and statistic just can't get the better of me.  I think that would be my deathbed regret if I don't go for it.  I never tried to learn statistics and go for my real dream of being a researcher.  I don't want to chicken out.  I want to stand strong and maybe fail in a huge way going for my dreams.  So I'm daring greatly.  I'm entering the arena.  Courage or comfort, never both, right? 

Embarrassing times in red underwear

Embarrassing is such a hard emotion for me.  Usually embarrassment turns to shame pretty quickly but on Tuesday I actually dared greatly and reached out before it took an ugly turn. 

This is the facebook message I sent to my band mates:

Okay have to share an embarrassing story with you girls. I decided to wear a dress today and on my way to my office I did not know that my backpack would cause my dress to ride up in the back. I was almost at my building when I felt a cool breeze. Yes my ass was all out Good thing I was wearing my red Charlotte set! So I guess I was advertising for Golden Pear.

Yes ladies and the random dude looking for boob pics, I walked in front of the library with my red panties showing, like my ass was all out.  So why tell you good readers this?  I love the work of Dr. Brene Brown and after rewatching some of her Oprah's Lifeclass on Sunday, I am working to dare greatly and identify shame in my life.  

One of the lessons from Dr. Brene Brown is that shame cannot survive being spoken.  If I had told no one then I would have turned that into a shame spiral for myself.  It would have gone from me calling myself stupid for wearing a dress in the first place to body shame to the effect of no one noticed because no one would want to look at your fat ass.  See shame is an ugly thing but rather than sink into the hole of shame, I did what Dr. Brown said and I reached out.  I called my husband and told him.  He made me see the funny side of it.  Then I sent a message to my girls from Red Shoe P&*%.  No one told me I was fat or ugly or how awful or how they would have died on the spot.  Everyone helped me see the funny aspect and the great opportunity for selling underwear and the punk lifestyle I had created for myself.  

Yes it was embarrassing.  It still is embarrassing.  There is no telling what you will think or how you will want to shame me but I hope this helps someone else reach out too.  It is amazing how many people have had experiences similar to those we go through and they wish they had someone to talk to too.  There is an old saying that says there is nothing new under the sun.  If that is true then someone else on this planet is or has gone through something similar to us and we all want to be able to connect and share with someone.  There is no reason to carry shame with us.  Share your story.  

AD TIME:
I was wearing this set which is available at Golden Pear or your local Parfait by Affinitas store. (Hey why not sell some set for my girl at Golden Pear :) )

Creative Post: The Scholar-Practitioner as a Moral Being

I posted a music video that I created for Max Reynolds and his wonderful song Draw the line a few weeks back.  The whole video was inspired by a project I have due for one of my doctorate classes.  The project is the poetic of leadership.  Here is the 10 min extravaganza!

Wordless Wednesday: The Shiz

Thank you to Sarah from Harbuck & Co for this wonderful family picture of us with The Shiz.  The Shiz was the opening to the Hidden Village Music Festival and they rocked it out!  So maybe not so wordless :)

Mamavation Monday: Trying to garden in a bag

I have a black thumb.  Like seriously black.  I once tried to plant blackberry bushes and just about killed them or outright killed them, I don't remember anymore.  One week after I abandoned them to the great gardener in the sky, the stupid bushes came back to life and started growing!  I'm the sort of person should not have plants.

Now that I have Ravebaby, I am determined to try and grow things with her.  As a homeschooling mother, I feel like I need to expose her to a little bit of everything and growing stuff should be part of a well rounded education.  So what is a homeschooling mother with a black thumb to do?

The answer came via my Facebook timeline, garden in a bag!  I want to say that my fellow Mamavation Sista over at Just Joanna is the one who posted about this great idea but I don't really remember now.  The basic idea is you buy some prestarted plants and a bag of potting soil.  Next you poke holes in the bottom of the bag, turn over, and cut a square out of the top and plant your stuff in the dirt.  No digging up the ground and that means no scars in yard if I manage to kill everything again.

Ravebaby and I have planted cilantro, red bell peppers, and zucchini, which I bought at my locally owned feed store.  I placed my bag of Miracle Gro potting soil on an old palette to keep it off the ground and we're ready to see how we do.  If I manage to keep these alive for a while then we'll go out and plant more stuff in this manner.  The only thing I wish I had done differently was to have looked for and purchases an organic potting mix.  The Miracle Gro's chemically smell turned my stomach a bit and lingered in the car for way too long.  So here's to a garden in a bag!

Starting this Saturday: Hidden Village Music Festival 2014

 

It's almost here!  This Saturday!  Here is the line-up:

 Day 1: The Shiz (alt blues rock)
Day 2: Arborea (world music)
Day 3: Howlin' Brothers (alt bluegrass)
Day 4: The Farewell Drifters (americana)
Day 5: Christopher Paul Stelling (troubadour)
Day 6: The Sawmill Vagrants (old time folk music)
Day 7: Danielle Grubb (experimental jazz rock)
Day 8: Social Bliss (punk rock) & Terra Alive + Otonana TRIO (japanese rock and roll)
Day 9: Joe Fletcher & the Wrong Reasons (just joe this time) + Friendly People (folk infused indie rock awesome)
Day 10: Engine (folk rock)

This festival has something for everyone, $5 at the door, $30 for a 10 day pass!!! 

For more information: www.hiddenvillagemusic.com 
 

Disclaimer: I am the official blogger for the Hidden Village Music Festival 2014 mainly because DH has an ownership stake in Standpipe Coffeehouse.  So I can name myself official blogger and who will fight me on it? 

Draw the Line

This song says so much about me, my friends, and why we feel the things we do and the way we do them are important. It's great work from an unsung master of Punk Rock, and I figured it was high time it had a video.

#Mamavation Monday: Wheat is now my enemy

So the saga of wheat in New Orleans ends with me being super sick and swearing wheat off for life, like forever.

After my last Mamavation post, I went to the doctor and got some bad health news.  My blood sugar was 120 after a 12-hours fast.  That is so not good, like a few more points and I would have been pre- diabetic.  My blood pressure was up.  My weight was up 5 lbs!  In general my usually healthy wheat-free self was trying to cleanse itself and as a result I was going through the wringer.

One comment I did not expect to hear was that I was gluten intolerant.  Now before you jump, I went wheat-free for my daughter. I was nursing and when I ate wheat she broke out.  I never when wheat-free for myself or even for DH who also has a wheat allergy.  Why was this shocking?  Well I think in the back of my mind I was thought of being wheat free as an optional piece of my life.  I could go back to eating like a "normal" person at some point.  This experience has taught me that is not the case.  I need to not only be wheat free but gluten free; I wasn't expecting that.  How did we go from a household with two wheat allergy sufferers to where everyone has some wheat issue?

I am finally feeling better.  I had some tests run today and I'm waiting for results.  I suspect my blood sugar is back to normal.  My blood pressure is back to normal.  I've lost all 5lbs.  My thirst is back to normal and my energy level is returning.  Lesson learned, stay away from wheat!

Non-Negotiables

This is actually an assignment that I had to turn in last semester.  I sparked a lot of discussion for our group and really made me think about where I draw my own lines.  Just wanted to share.

My personal non-negotiables are flexible.  I think being inflexible leads to a person’s inability to forgive themselves for falling short.  We all fall short and as such we need to be able to forgive ourselves for times we don’t stand up, we stay silent, and in general violate our personal non-negotiables.  I honestly believe that a person’s inability to forgive themselves leads to refusing to allow others into our lives because we fear being seen as a fraud to ourselves and then in turn to them. 

1. I will treat others in a matter that makes them feel seen, heard and valuable.  When I fall short I will examine why I failed and how I can do better next time.
2.  I will treat myself as I feel that I should treat others.  I cannot treat others better than I treat myself.  If I don’t begin with being my best to myself then others will see my efforts as disingenuous and/or as a means to take advantage of me.
3.    I will be grateful for the life I have even when it seems to be going in a direction I do not like.  Being grateful will require me to stop and exam my attitude towards in the world in general and this will allow me to refocus myself on bring positive change into the world.
4.    I will listen without judgment realizing that I can only see through my own life experiences and that I cannot judge what others due since time, circumstance and life experience are different for everyone.
5.   I will practice forgiveness of myself and others.  Anger and grudges only serve to hurt me and if I keep hurt within me then I cannot keep the first four non-negotiables. 

#Mamavation Monday: Detox from Wheat

I totally missed my post last week due to being in New Orleans for the SERA conference.  It was a requirement for my doctorate.  While there I eat several things not on my gluten free diet and I'm paying for it!

I started with a mini meat pie on the way and only got worse from there including two trips to Cafe Du Monde for beignets.  I was stupid and I didn't think it would hurt me too much since I went wheat free for Ravebaby and not personal health reasons.  I was so wrong.

After four years wheat free, I started paying for the bites almost instantly.  So much gas and a headache.  Since arriving at home I feel like I've been fighting the flu.  Body aches and fatigue and a thirst I can't seem to drink enough water to quench.  I was already scheduled for my annual checkup for tomorrow and I think DH would have demanded a doctor visit anyway since I'm totally not myself at this point.

I don't remember struggling like this for years ago.  I think it is because before I had a baseline of normal that might included all of this achynessand fatigue but I don't remember.  My new normal was painfree and usually with plenty of energy so maybe that is why this seems so bad.  I don't like it.  No way I'm going back to wheat.  Anyone else ever try to go back to wheat only to discover it hurts?

Song Response: The Way It Was by The Killers

I'm starting a new blogging thing were I write up my response to a song that made me stop and think.

If you didn't know I love The Killers and my Spotify is chalk full of them.  When I first heard The Way It Was, I thought it was a sweet ode to a love lost due to growing up and growing apart.  How many times have I wished that DH and I could just go back to the way things were when life and love was easy, i. e. before marriage and growing up got in the way.  In the time since I first heard the song several of my friends marriages have split or hit on a rough patch.  Marriage is hard and we all struggle at some point or another but anyways I stopped and really thought about what was being said and I got angry and here is why.

1. This is someone being a totally immature asshole!  Just go back to the way it was.  You only want to stay with me if I promise to go back to the way it was.  Dude you go back and then you end up right here again!  You are not trying to solve the problem just hide it.  In the words of Thomas Wolfe, "You can't go home again!"

2. The love you remember wasn't real.  We all look back and see just the good sides of thing especially when we are hurting.  If only this had not happened or if only we could just forget and go back to the beginning.  The song speaks about "did you forget all about those golden nights?" and really don't we all remember the golden nights of courting and falling in love but if you want to survive and have a lasting relationship you have to move past just falling in love.  Staying in love is work.  It is not easy!  Stop whining and start working!

3. Is it really over or are you just tried of working at it?  I think this is the one aspect that bothers me most of all.  Brandon Flowers sings, "Back then this thing was running on momentum, love and trust, That paradise is buried in the dust."  So you don't love me anymore?  You don't trust me anymore?  You think we are standing still?  I love that it is all my fault!  I'm growing up and moving forward and you want to reverse all of that work so you can feel good about the fact you refuse to grow up!  Maybe we have an issue with trust but if you don't want to work on it then there is nothing to go back to 'cause it all leads back here.

Don't get me wrong people.  I love this song but it is because Brandon Flowers' voice is amazing.  I was listening to the song on the way in to work today and I started crying because it makes it all seem so easy.  Just go back.  Just rewind and we'll be okay.  That is simply just not the way it works.  If you go back without working on it then you end up right were you are again. 

Not too long ago I told DH, after listening to this song, I love him and when I see him I see the 16-year-old boy I fell in love with but I don't want to be married to that kid.  I love the man I'm married too.  The one that has allowed me to grow and turn into this better person. It is easy to think that if we could just go back then the work would go away but why travel the same road twice?  Don't wish away the person you have now for the one in your memory.  I assure you that person never existed in that way.  Work or don't work but don't think going back is the easy solution. 

 

 

The Way It Way - cira 1998

Bitter pill of never enough

One of my defining characteristics is that I'm a very driven person.  If I put my mind to it I will do it.  This is a good and bad thing.  I am lucky to be able to focus not on things but usually on improving myself.  I know some people are driven to get stuff but stuff is not a big factor for me.  I usually put my energy into education, career, marriage, friends, or my child.  I don't let things or people stand in the way of something I want.

So why the drive?  Why do I have to work so hard?  The answer is pretty easy.  I think most people who are driven come from a place of fear.  Fear of not having enough money, enough food, enough love.  Not a need for more just a fear of not enough.  At least that is my drive.  I don't want more money.  I am happy being poor but I am afraid of not being able to choose this as my life.  I hate the idea of living by default.  Maybe the root fear is actually control.  I hate to be out of control too.  I know control is a total figment of my imagination.  I know I control nothing.  I think I am sitting safely at my desk but the roof could cave in and kill so so much for control, right.

The idea of enough has been really present in my mind since reading Daring Greatly from Brene Brown.  I can so easily see in my life were I feel like I am not enough and that is from childhood.  I have never felt enough for anything.  I'm not Mexican enough, or American enough.  I'm not skinny enough for the normal girl clothes section or fat enough for the big girls section.  I'm smart but not I'm always just behind in getting a concept down or being able to express my thoughts fully.  I just told Dh the other day, I'm pretty but not pretty enough to make anyone want to risk actually hitting on me.  At the same time I'm not ugly enough for anyone to really notice me either.  I feel like I live in the gray space of invisibility.

I think most of that is a comfort thing.  I don't want to really be noticed because then I would have a responsibility. I want to be able to operate at my own place and in my own space.  I want to set a goal and achieve it; earn a masters, run a 10k, get some research published.  I think I lost my point but anyways, I am driven.  Driven by fear mostly but it works for me so onward I march.  Maybe someday I'll feel like I'm enough at something, hell maybe the best at something till then I gotta work.

going on a trip w/o Ravebaby and DH

So I'm going to a research conference on Sunday and I'm going to be gone for 4 days and 3 nights.  I'm going without Ravebaby and DH.  This will be the first time I'm going to be gone from Rave for more than 24 hrs.  Honestly I haven't been away from DH for this long since 2007!  I'm freaking out.

Thank God for Facebook and crunchy mamas as friends.  It's good to be able to reach out and not feel like a freak for never having really left my child.  I know many moms leave their kids overnight from the get go and if it works for them then more power to them.  I'm not that mom.  I did not have child to just keep living like I don't have one and I've been fortunate enough that I've been able to make life choices that allow me to max my time time with Rave and still allow me to not lose myself.  So I'm not hating on anyone.  I don't feel guilty about the way I live my life and you shouldn't either.

Anyways, I'm freaking out.  I'll report back how it goes.  I'm sure it will be fine.  Rave is in the best hands possible.  Anyone else other there wait til your child was older to be gone for the first time?

Soul-warming Wednesday - The Shiz

In cased you missed it the Hidden Village Music Festival is coming in March and as result I'm going to be posting about the different acts coming to Standpipe Coffeehouse in Lufkin!

Today I'm focusing on the incredible work of The Shiz.  They are awesome!  This won't be The Shiz's first time in Lufkin.  I'm lucky that I've been able to watch them twice so far and I can't wait for their return in March.  How these ladies are not as big as the Indigo Girls I honestly don't know.  I call this post soul-warming because that is the only way for me to describe their music.  It warms my soul.  Their song Happy Enough is like a little window into my soul.  The Shiz is about the music and lyrics.  They are about looking in the soul and giving it a way to express itself.  If you are looking for heavy production or fluff then you will need to look elsewhere.  The Shiz is the shiz for real!  See them March 8th live @ Standpipe Coffeehouse!

This is the link to follow The Shiz on spotify.  Go listen to them.  Happy Enough is just, well I have no words but they do so go listen!

Mamavation Monday: Cleaning up

So I think I need to just call this Mamavation One-day late post since I am never on my computer on Mondays to write but anyways, here it is one day late.

The topic this week is non-toxic cleaners.  I honestly never thought too much about what I used to clean until I had Ravebaby.  DH has very sensitive skin but I want things to look and smell clean so I would just buy stuff anyway.  Now that I'm making the move to making my own cleaners, I've noticed that DH's skin and allergies are better so I guess I owe DH a huge apology.  I just never made the connection between cleaners and our health.  Yep I'm that girl.

So with a husband, daughter, and myself all having sensitive skin, I have slowly been making my way to buying less cleaning stuff and turning to the internet for recipes to make my own stuff.  The only issue I've had with finding recipes is the call for orange.  DH is pretty allergic to oranges and I'm afraid to use any citric in the things I make since I don't want it to be exposure that puts on permanent Epi-pen alert.

The stuff I use the most to clean is borax powder.  I use it for my bathroom.  My mom who has cleaned houses and used just about everything on the market has also switched to borax powder.  She says nothing else cleans as well, lasts as long, and most importantly she doesn't break out after using it.  We also use borax in the kitchen to clean the stove and counter-tops.  It is also one of the main ingredients in my homemade laundry soap.  Here is the link for the soap.

So that is what we do, borax powder.  How about you?

2014 Hidden Village Music Festival the countdown . . .

The Hidden Village Music Festival is set to return to Standpipe Coffeehouse on March 8th!  I've got the Spotify music list going on the sidebar of Wheatless Mama or down in this post.  The line up is fantastic this year, just like it is every year!



Be there people!

Moving forward? Time for a CV

So I'm still in the process of deciding why I am getting my doctorate.  I get asked why all of the time and outside I'm being lead by God, which leads to some strange looks, I haven't really been sure.  I want to homeschool my child; however, I'm not the sort of woman who can stay at home with her kid all day.  Stay-at-home moms work their asses off and I ain't that girl.  So I have been thinking and thinking and getting my resume out there.  I'm not in a serious job hunt since I love my job as a GA but I am looking for full-time work to see where I might land and see where I am being lead. 

In an ideal world I would work part-time outside of the home as a lecturer or librarian.  I miss the library world so much!  The funny thing about being a lecturer is that I'm really only qualified to teach in a library program and the closest one is at Sam Houston, which is the rival to my current university SFA.  The rivalry thing aside, the commute is not that bad especially if only a couple of time a week.  This has me working on my CV.  A university wants to know that you are a researcher and can bring "honor" to the institution.  Here is the thing, I never planned on not working outside of the public school field so I've never presented at a conference or published a paper.  I've done the work and have some projects and papers that might would have been worthy but I never thought I needed it so I never got off my butt.  Now I need it to create a CV and I feel like I'm years behind! 

I am going to present a research paper with one of my co-hort members in a couple of weeks.  I'm not sure I have a lot to say so I'm nervous.  I feel like my professional life is suddenly on the line.  I know that that is not a true statement.  There will be jobs and opportunities a plenty in my future but I like a plan and I like working towards something so here I go.  I recently submitted a paper for publication.  It will be weeks before I hear back but I'm daring greatly and getting myself and my research out there.  I expect to be rejected.  I need to be rejected.  I'm not ready for publication but I also know that I'll never believe anything different until I get my first piece published.  I mean I never would have thought I would keep a 4.0 through 15 doctoral hours and yet here I am.  I am a researcher and I'm going to make it work along with being a homeschooling mother.  I can do this. 

This is my current jam (enjoy!  Ravebaby has me playing it day and night):

Mamavation Monday: 2-week challenge wrap up

So I finished the mamavation 2-week challenge and my number one take away, working out doesn't have to take hours!  Now when I run I'm usually making a commitment to running around an hour.  I am the sort of person that avoids weights mostly because I find them intimidating and I have know clue what to do.  So enter the 2-week challenge and a personal challenge to finish.  There were three workouts, cardio, abs, and arms.  You hit each one twice a week and watch your body change!  Now my results were dramatic,I think I need to have a better diet for dramatic but I'm very proud to report having lost an inch on my waist!  I have been amazed that none of the workouts took longer than 40 mins and I felt great.  I noticed the exercises got easier and I got faster. 

So I know I can commit to 40 mins a day for me.  The arms portion was the fastest so if nothing else I have zero excuse for not getting beautifully sculpted arms and as I build muscle I burn more fat!  I have dropped long runs for a more balanced workout.  I'm going for short runs 1-2 miles plus one of the exercise set from the 2-week challenge.  So I've already completed one of my goals for the year, to complete a 2-week challenge.  I'm feeling good and ready to keep it up.  I'm thinking next go around I'll sign up for the advanced 2-week, I mean if I stay on track the beginner will be too easy next time around.  Set my goals high, right?

Mamavation Monday: Week 1 of the 2 week challenge

Yes I know it's Tuesday but better late than never right!

I have survived week 1 of the Mamavation 2-week Challenge and I'm feeling surprising good.  I'm finding the workouts are getting easier and I seem to be getting curvier or that might just be my imagination but I'm taking it.  I am still a bit scared of the scale.  I hopped on Wednesday and it said 230, which is 3 lbs more than start, and then I hopped back on Friday and it said 225, which is a 2 lb loss from start weight.  I think this means that the scale doesn't mean shit.  5 pound swing in just a couple of days!  Anyways, I haven't done measurements but I think those will be a bit more true to showing a change for the better.

The 2-week challenge has introduce me to a couple of new exercises and brought back some old friends, sit-ups anyone?  My favorite day is Mama Guns, which is a killer arm work out.  Since my big goal for the year is to get stronger and stop being afraid of the weight room, this day really helps me get moving towards my goal.  I'm actually of thinking of keep the workout up and just adding back my running.  Rather than going long distances, I'm thinking just a mile or two after the work-out for the day.  We'll see what I do.  So far I'm pretty sure that this Mama is going to have some killer guns!

Mamavation Monday: Scale disappointment and a reality check

So I went to the doctor last week because I decided to go running in 32 degree weather without a hat or jacket.  Yep, I let the sunny looking day lull me into thinking it was warm and totally did not plan accordingly for a freezing north wind.  I only ran a mile but it was one of the hardest of my life.  My ears were hurting so badly I almost went to the ER.  I had never had pain like that in my life.

At the doctor's office they had me step up on the scale.  That evil evil scale!  Why do they start the visit that way?  The horrible number 227!  FUCK!  So at this point I have to options I can pretend I didn't hear or care or I can melt down.  I saved my meltdown rant for later on the safety of Mamavation sistahood.  I hate to admit it really got me down.  For all of the 10k training I had not lost a single pound.  Focus on the positive, right.  I ran a fucking 10k in the middle of December after earning a 4.0 in my doctorate work.  Super positive and yet that damn number is stuck in my head.  227 and suddenly I'm a failure. 

I know I'm far from a failure.  I know I can look at my life and see the good I am doing and yet I'm struggling to shake the number.  Here is the thing, I also know that if I didn't lose I also didn't gain too much.  When Ravebaby weaned at the end of May I gained about 10 lbs.  I also started my doctorate and I was sitting more and more.  If I haven't gained more than the initial weight then I know I'm doing well.  Before I had Ravebaby 4 years ago I was 250 lbs so I'm still better today than 4 years ago.  I'm wheat-free and moving towards more whole foods and cooking more.  As a family we have set a goal for ourselves to try new fruits and vegetables at least twice a month.  We started with butternut squash and this week we'll pick up some parsnips.  We are doing better food wise and I know that will translate to a healthier me no matter what the scale says.

So the reality check is I have a long way to go in learning to cook more of a variety of  food.  I'm also not as cool with the number on the scale as I thought I was.  I know it is a number and yet I feel like it is a judgement on my being.  I'll move forward with the help of my sistas!

Measurements for the start of the year:
Bust: 46
Underbust: 38
Waist: 44
Hips: 49
Weight: 227
Longest distant run: 10k