Cancer surgery #1

About 3 weeks ago, my dad went in for a surgical consult and to meet with the rest of his cancer team.  The simple consult turned into emergency surgery.  There was a second mass that had suddenly become life threating between the weeks of transferring care from one hospital to the next. 

We had decided to spend the 2 nights between appointments in Temple to avoid having to drive the 6-hour round trip between home and the hospital 3 days back to back.  As a result, my mom was at the hotel with my girls, while DH and I took dad to meet the surgeon.

It was a very scary time for me.  We walked in expecting to just talk and it turned into being admitted into the hospital and signing consents for surgery the next day.  We asked lots of questions and then we waited for the room to be available for my dad.  We were in the doctor's office about 3 hours.  After the consent was signed, DH left to go inform my mom what was happening.  As he was leaving he asked me to walk with him.  It was the first time I was able to show just how scared I was.  I don't remember if I cried or not at that point.  He hugged me tightly.  He was in charge of explaining everything to my mom and then calling my brothers.  I was left with my dad trying to stay calm and asking questions.

The entire staff at the hospital was friendly, professional, and most importantly helpful.  No question too stupid to ask.  Nothing too small to be unimportant.  Once they got my dad in his room, they began the process of inserting an IV.  This was the only time I got pissed at the nurses.  I know we were at a teaching hospital but the nurse trainee made my daddy bleed all over his pillow as she inserted the IV.  I had to step out as they did a full body scan of my dad.  This was when I lost my shit.  I just started crying not uncontrollably.  I cried enough to calm myself and get my face straight.  They had made my daddy bleed.  He was in so much pain from the tumor.  We had to talk about the possibility that he didn't survive and what he wanted to happen.  It was not easy.

Because both of my brothers live about 4 hrs away from us, I am in charge of all of the care.  Each time the surgeon called to give us an update, I was the one who had to talk the call and then translate the information for my mom and grandmother, aunts, and uncles who all showed up to be there with my dad. 

I was on the phone with the surgeon hearing all about there being a 2nd cancerous mass.  How this was a very rare presentation.  How this might change the approach to treatment if this cancer mass is different from the other cancer mass.  I was scared.  I knew I had all eyes on me.  My family watching my face for clues until I got over to them with information.  I cried while on the phone.  I know being rare in the medical world isn't good.  I was praying for a fat lump but no it was cancer.

Things we know 3 weeks later:  Dad would not have survived much longer with that mass in place.  He pain was a sign it was getting ready to perforate his intestines.  Once that happens, we would have had hours.  The cancers are the same type of cancer but are two separate occasions of cancer.

I can see now just how close to losing my dad we were before the surgery.  The surgeon moving quickly saved his life.  It is still not easy.  Next week, we should have the start dates for treatment.

You don't fight to keep people

I have been told in the past that I let people go too easily.  I don't fight to keep people in my life, personally or professionally.  I usually just let people vent that feeling towards me but I don't usually have a response.  What am I supposed to say?

Do I let people go?  Absolutely.  If someone wants to boot me from his/her life, should I really be fighting to stay in his/her life?  The one time I did explore this issue with Soul-sister, my explanation was this:

     If someone is a friend, I have declared them my friend, then I am obligated to 

respect that this person thinks their life would be better without me. 

 If someone says they want to leave, should I make it harder on

 them to leave?  That doesn't seem fair.  Cutting a friend out of 

your life is not an easy decision, why would I want to cause

 the person more pain by demanding they stay?  

I guess there is a part of me that feels that if I beg someone to stay and they still leave then I would hurt even more than just accepting their good-bye.  There is, of course, a part of me that believes I deserved to left by all of my friends, that I am too awful to deserve friends.  

I don't know.  Maybe I should fight.  Maybe I should make promises and compromises.  Give up me in order to keep them.  Here are some of the problems I have with those ideas:

1. If I make a promise, I plan to keep it.  Can I really change myself enough to keep the promises required?
2. Is someone who wants me to change, worth keeping in my life?  If they don't want me as I am, do they really want me at all?
3. If the road that brought us to this impasse in the first place comes up again, won't I just get dumped again?  Better to break it off now rather than later, no?

So anyways, I don't fight to keep people.  I will fight with people.  I will grow with people.  I'll learn from being left.

That does not mean that I don't feel the absence.  Even now losing Soul-sister hurts.  I run into former friends and it feels like I'm dying.  People who knew me.  I let them in.  They said you don't have enough good in you to keep you around.  People who were family who are now strangers.  People that I said "I love you" that now won't meet my eye.  It hurts.  I haven't heard from Soul-sister in about 4 years and even now I cry over the loss.   Did I let her go?  Yes.  Did I fight to keep her?  No.  Do I miss her?  Yes.  Can we ever reconcile?  I don't know.

There are times I describe being painted into a corner.  You make decisions that put you in a fight or flight position.  Once you lash out or leave, can you ever go back again?  Now that those "friends" have left can we ever find our way back to each other?  I guess only time will tell.  I know I have lost friends permanently so there is no chance to reconcile.  That makes me want to reach out.  Apologize.  Compromise.  Life is short and tomorrow is not promised.  Can I forgive the past?  Can I move past the pain?  Even if I can, would they be willing?  

I did reach out to Soul-sister when I finished my doctorate.  She was the most excited person when I started the program.  The response was cold.  It hurt to be dismissed but I respect that our lives simply do not intersect at this moment.  Maybe someday we'll run into each other in a coffee shop somewhere and the cold and pain will wash away and it will be like we were never apart.  Maybe . . .

Saying good-bye or saying see you later

Today makes 2 years that a friend from college passed away from colon cancer.  I have and have had many mixed feelings about it.  This was one of the first friendships that ended badly and it was an ending focused on me being dropped because I didn't fit in/ I didn't have enough good stuff to outweigh my bad.  Seems like a strong theme of my life - if I am me, me completely then no one wants to deal with me.  I write that but of course, DH would argue that can't be true since after over 20 years he is still with me.  I also have other friends who have been with me for years and years.

But I digress, back to the dead friend.  Before she passed, she asked me to visit her while I was in Baltimore working on my dissertation research.   At that point in our lives we were Facebook friends but not call each other have actual intimacy friends.  I didn't make the effort.  I made excuses.  Actually, she never followed up with me while I was in Baltimore so I decided it was an invitation made due to old memories and an actual want.  I feel guilty.  She was dying.  Within four months, she would be dead and I didn't bother to respond.  I couldn't have known.  I was selfish and still harboring feelings of hurt from almost 15 years previous.  I was an asshat plain and simple.

I am a bit melancholy today.  I am dealing with my dad's colon cancer.  We have a strong rotation of family through our house.  People wanting to see my dad, make sure they do it before things turn bad.  It is a good plan.  Almost 2 weeks ago, my dad was rushed into surgery for what turned out to be a 2nd cancerous tumor.  The wait, the anxiety, the fear of watching my dad be admitted to the hospital.  To watch a simple doctor's visit turn into surgery was scary and exhausting.  Our stay in Temple went from 2 nights to 5.  From budgeted to a budget buster.  From simple cancer diagnoses to cancer treatment.

Melancholy - it is a good word.  I am thinking and feeling rather than talking.  Staying silent usually makes the melancholy worse but the feeling that I can't talk to anyone traps me in a cycle of feeling sad, feeling lonely, being scared to reach out, so then I feel sad, I feel lonely, which makes me more scared to reach out and you know the cycle become a spiral of sadness and shame.

I am ashamed of how I treated my old friends.  I should have reached out.  Met the offer to meet with kindness and effort.  I didn't.  I can't change it.  I can learn from it.  I'm not learning very fast as I was again recently dropped for being an awful person.  Maybe one day, I'll meet an old friend who hurt me for coffee and I'll smile and it will be okay between us until then I'll work on keeping my eyes open to the opportunity.

Your bad doesn't outweigh your good

So Sunday night that is what I was told by someone who is now an ex-friend.  I guess you could argue that anyone that would say that to you was never actually your friend but I digress.  I think at the least this person was respectful enough, to be honest with me, right?  Instead of just ghosting out of my life, this person was able to get in a good stabbing and let me know how much I suck.

I am vacillating between wanting to be mad and wanting to be sad.  This person is absolutely right about me.  For their life at this moment, my bad outweighs my good.  That isn't necessarily a comment on me as a person in general; really it is about their own life and needs.  I can't really be a good friend if I demand someone put my want of their friendship above their own needs.  And still I was told that I suck and that hurts.  I'm sad because I did want this person in my life.  I thought we had a good friendly relationship. 

All of that being said, this person had a long list of faults too.  Did I make them a list as they were leaving?  Nope.  I wished them luck.  I help open the door and smiled as they left.  Maybe the problem was this person wanted me to beg.  Bargain with them to stay.  Maybe I should have.  I've had other people ask me why I don't fight to keep people in my life.  Maybe I'm afraid I would fail and end up looking like more of an ass.  Maybe it is that every time I have tried that the friendship ended worse than if I had just let them leave when they wanted. 

I could go and beg this person to be in my life.  On Monday, I got word that I was being asked to be interviewed for the Hollins alumna magazine.  This is a massive honor for me.  Hollins has some really amazing alumni and being included in the magazine is amazing.  After I told DH, I wanted to text this person and let them know.  I almost did anyway but then I remember they don't love me anymore.  They don't want to hear from me.  I'm a horrible addition to their life.  It hurt. 

I admit all of these feelings are not only about this one person.  Most of it goes back to 2 previous relationships that to this day I mourn.  It is those breakups that set me up for this one.  Instead of letting this person in completely and accepting what this person could give, I made them pay for not being what I needed.  This person would pull away and I would give space and then return and I would make them pay for their absence by being mean.  It was a nasty pattern that I couldn't see until it was over.  Now it's over.  I broke my own heart by not really being open.  What to do next?  Unclear but then life is a work in progress so let's see . . .

So much life

It has been well over a year since I posted.  The last 3 months have been crazy let along the previous 20 months or so since I defended my dissertation.

I guess I'll start and just try to cover the big pieces of news:

1 - Dec 27, 2016, I gave birth to a daughter.  Her social media name is #BabyLala.  #Gymgirl loves her dearly and calls her an answer to her prayers.  Lala is amazing and so different from Gymgirl.  I love watching them interact and watching Lala develop into an amazing child.

2 - Snoopy dog was hit by a car and quickly passed on to dog heaven back in March.  Unfortunately, we were on a family walk and we saw the whole thing happen.  Gymgirl was totally lost in grief for many days.  It hurt to lose him.  For now, we are pet-less.  Which is good considering the next piece of news

3 - My dad has stage 3 rectal cancer.  We are in the process of getting him treatment but this is no easy task since he has no health insurance.  The struggle is beyond real at this point.  As a family, we are taking it in stride.  I am in charge of paperwork and making appointments.  DH is doing the majority of the driving for appointments.  The girls are surviving but Baby Lala has always stayed with my dad so being dropped off to other people for care has been hard on her.  My mom is taking it as well as can be expected.  I can see she is stressed and she is smoking more and running off to bingo to keep herself distracted.

Between the end of the school year, the start of the cancer journey with dad, and some health problems for other family members, I feel pretty drained and at a few points at my breaking point.  In the last 2 months, I have gone back to roller derby and running for stress relief.  Rather than go back to my old team, I have joined to other ladies in starting a fresh league.  It has been glorious as stress relief.  I have faith that my dad's journey will go according to God's plan and that I can survive whatever else comes my way.

I'll probably be blogging more just to give myself a way to log this new life journey.  In case you don't know, cancer sucks and the American healthcare system sucks too.

Paging Dr. MLC

In case the title of the post doesn't give it away, I passed my dissertation defense last Wednesday!  I can officially use the title of Dr.  Depending on when the baby is actually born will determine if I walk in December or not.  I predict a full-moon baby, which would mean Dec 14th.  As long as I have a natural zero complications childbirth then I should be good to walk in the graduation on Dec 17th but we'll have to wait and see. 

Going back to dissertation defense for a moment, it was a total let down!  I had to ask if I had passed because there was no big congratulations Dr. or yes you passed.  I honestly thought I had failed and had to present/defend again.  Apparently that is the MO of my dissertation chair.  I asked a friend that had the same chair and graduated back in May and he said he felt the exact same way.  He had to ask if he had passed too. 

As I have settled into the idea of having passed I'm slowly changing my email signatures and remembering to let people know that I actually am a doctor now.  Seems strange and weird.  I have another chapter to write for the dissertation along with some changes here and there to make it better but the title is mine!  WOW!  I can't believe I did it.  I'm only two semesters behind schedule.  May graduation would have put right on target for completing my degree "on time" but December is nothing to sneeze at.  There are lots of people who never finish! 

So there you have it.  I'm a doctor of education.  It all started with deciding to have a home birth.  That one decision moved me into a new tribe of people and ultimately into educational research.  Gymgirl changed my entire life and career.  I can't wait to see where this new baby, Spud, leads me.  

Big news and allergy testing

So I have big news!  After several years of trying to get okay with the idea of having only one child, I'm pregnant!  Yep a totally unexpected unplanned pregnancy that mirrors the first one in a eerie fashion.  We took a pregnancy test on the exact same date as 7 years previous.  I first vomited on the same day 7 years ago.  We did announce it about a week earlier this time around.  Gymgirl has been happily telling everyone she sees.  She wants a sister.  I want a healthy baby.  DH wants a girl.  We'll see.

Yesterday for the first time in a long time I was wandering the aisle of the grocery store lost.  Gymgirl's allergy test results came back.  She has about 20 food sensitivities.  Her sensitivities seem to run opposite of DH's allergies.  Gymgirl is sensitive to chicken but DH is allergic to beef and pork.  Both have issues with wheat and gluten.  Gymgirl has one true food allergy and it was one that I never suspected: eggs.

So yesterday we dropped Gymgirl off at her piano lesson and we headed to the store to find things for dinner.  I wanted chicken nuggets, well considering the new information that went out the window.  DH and I were both staring at the meat case just lost.  DH has not cook pork chops in close to 15 years.  We always grab chicken since it was safe for him and now we have to wrap our minds around Gymgirl's food limitations too.  While Gymgirl is a good eater and usually game for trying new things, like most 6 years olds, she eats a limited number of things, ie chicken nuggets, hamburgers, mac and cheese.

While eggs are the number one concern, as the doctor said that is a true allergy cut it out completely, Gymgirl had so many sensitivities.  It seems all the things she loves to eat are the things making her breakout and stay sick.  She's sensitive to cheddar cheese, broccoli, cantaloupe, peanuts, and soy.  The list is longer but those were the ones that stuck out to me.  I know we can do it.  We can clean her diet and hopefully be able to reintroduce those foods back but right now it feels like being slapped in the face. 

Best gift ever

The other day I was talking to a friend and he mentioned some gifts that he had bought an old girlfriend and that got me thinking over the last 20 years DH has bought me lots of gift, which one was the best?
I can be very picky while really not caring about what I get as a gift.  I hate flowers.  I don't really eat candy.  I like things that are very practical.  I want things that are useful.  DH hates it.  So on to the best gift.
The best gift I have gotten from DH over the last 20 years has to be the very first birthday gift he ever got me.  I'll never forget opening that gift of brand new ASICS-Gel shoes.  I think they were 7's or whatever the latest model was back in the day, 1996.  They were the most expensive gift I had ever received to that point in my life. 
Thinking back on those shoes, I think it set us up for a good pattern.  DH has supported my need to exercise and run from the very beginning.  Roller derby, yoga, and running have all be phases of my life in the last 20 years.  I like to work-out and while DH seems to hate it he is still 100% behind me.  Anyways a random post from random me.

Poison

I haven't written since I took my new job since one there isn't really time and it is difficult to know what is safe to discuss in a public arena.  This incident just has me shaken and I need somewhere to talk it out so to my trusty blog I go.

One Friday I was honored to be asked to speak on a Graduate Student panel to help undergraduate honor student think about their futures.  I took the time to try and catch up on schoolwork which has gone by the way side since I went back to work full-time.

As I was leaving I decided to thank the professor who had invited me and in general check-in since it had been about 6 months since I had seen him last.  In the course of conversation I was told that I poisoned his class.  I was blamed for the lack of A's.  Seriously!  He looked me dead in the face and called me poison.  I did try and argue and back him off the whole idea but still it out there.  I am poison.

I went home and told DH all about it.  Here is the worse part, DH agreed!  He agrees I poisoned the class.  Words have currency and the choice of poison was like a dagger to my ego.  I'm a nice person.  I'm easy to get along with (usually).  But now I just keep hearing that I'm poison.

After thinking it over for 24 hours and still being bother by it, I talked it out with DH some more.  He still thinks I was poison in that class but he made an interesting point.  Why the hell to do I care?  That was over 6 months ago and my grade ain't changing so what is done is done.  According to DH the reason I can't let it go has to do with the who said it rather than the content of what was said.

 I think he is right, of course.  I've been called much worse than poison so why does this one interaction bother me.  I think it felt out of the blue and mean-spirited.  The word was chosen to hurt me.  Six month and the best word the PHD could find was poison!  I thought he thought better of me.  Instead he seems to hate me.  Okay, I guess I'll file that in my trashcan and move on.

Dissertation and a general update

This has been a weird few weeks.  I started a new job and I am in full swing in dissertation work.  This last semester was quite tough on me.  I had a stats professor that I seemed to connect with on a personal level but not on a stats level so I spent a lot of time trying to teach myself stats which meant very little time for dissertation work.  I ended up with a B.  I'm not happy about it but this professor did push me to be nicer to myself, the whole negative self-talk thing I do.  Just like DH, the stats professor would get on to me about my negative words toward myself.  I think I am getting a little better about it or at the very least I am more aware of it and trying to turn my words around to the positive. 

Dissertation writing has been an interesting process.  In theory you have to write about 200 pages for your dissertation.  In theory you have about 75 pages or so ready when it is time to defend your dissertation proposal.  I turned in about 67 pages when I sent in my request for a dissertation chair.  I got my first pick and he replied in about 9 hours which is amazing!  My dissertation chair is a man I really respect and most day I'm just in awe of him.  He is like the creator of the idea of the scholar-practitioner so I feel like I won the lottery!  I sent out requests/invitations for my dissertation committee today.  If they all agree then I'll have a committee of four.  If someone does not accept then we'll go back to the drawing board and see who else would be a good fit given who has accepted. 

Gymgirl had an amazing couple of month in kindergarten and will moving on to the first grade next year.  It was not an easy decision to make.  She is not technically old enough for 1st grade, missing it by five months, but leaving her in kinder would be a disservice to her.  She is reading at about a 3rd grade level and while her handwriting is a bit shaking, she is mature enough to handle herself with the slightly older children so we are letting her try it out.  I consulted with derby sisters and with doctoral cohort members and they all agree let her move on.  Maybe this will prove to be a disaster but since when does age dictate skill?

DH and I are super busy with both of us working full-time.  DH is still involved with Standpipe Coffee and Black Spot Tattoo so he works a full-time plus a part-time job.  Me, I'm working full-time plus motherhood, doctoral work, roller derby, and life as it comes at me.  In other words life is good.

Us with The Shiz 'cause why not!

New Life Path - Schooling

My daughter started school today.  My daughter, the daughter of a homeschool/unschooling researcher, started school today.  I’ve spent the better part of the day crying.  I didn’t want to let her go but I know it is the right decision.  I’m afraid this makes me a fraud of a researcher and yet I can’t not send her to school.  I’m going to the principal of a school and my daughter should be attending that school.  I can’t sell my school as a wonderful place for children but not good enough for my child.  I can’t live a dual life so where does my love of homeschooling fit into all of this.  I believe in homeschooling.  Not every child belongs in school.  Not every child is successful working in a curriculum. 

Today I am discovering a new self.  I am shedding the skin of a homeschool mom.  I feel raw.  I feel everything and I know that while I am doing the right thing I am allowed to question it.  This was not my plan.  Why do I make plans?  Life is what happens when you are busy making plans.  Yes John Lennon, life just bitch slapped me.

Why my daughter goes to #rollerderby with me . . .

I'm a newbie to the derby world.  Just yesterday I was telling someone that I had thought children changed everything and then derby happened.  Before derby I would have looked forward to going out on ladies nights for drinks and gossip, now I want to get more time on skates.  Before derby I coveted clothes or cool looking shoes, now I want gear!

So that is all well and good but what does it have to do with GymGirl?  GymGirl loves to go to derby.  She has made some incredible friends, other derby daughters.  She loves going to see her friends and she loves to cheer her momma on.  The second part is the big reason I want GymGirl to see me at derby.  She can cheer me on.  I'm 100% in my girl's corner.  I'm there cheering, videoing, being as supportive as possible while GymGirl does her thing.  Derby gives her the chance to do the same for me.

GymGirl sees me being strong, being weak, pushing hard, being pushed hard, working out, supporting other women, cheering other women, and the list goes on.  GymGirl knows I can't do everything at derby.  She sees me struggle and that is okay.  Struggle is a real part of life.  In the real world, the moms are strong and never let their children in on mom's struggles.  My daughter see me, all of me.  It is scary to be that raw with GymGirl.  She has seen me take some nasty falls and get back up.  GymGirl has been on the side of the rink cheering and yelling "Go Momma Go!"

We go roller skating a few times a month now.  GymGirl can not wait to be 7 and join Jr. Roller Derby.  GymGirl wants to be a rollergirl.  Derby has made GymGirl a better gymnast.  No more "I can't" instead I get "I just have to work a little harder."  She stops my negative talk and I stop hers.  We push each other to be better at the sports that we love.

Women do not often get to be in truly supportive groups.  It seems that in any group of women there is some competition going on, who is most successful, who got laid the most, who is the prettiest, who can run the longest,  and so on.  In derby, we don't have time for that.  I want each girl in derby to do her best and she wants the same for me.  If we stop to focus on who is the prettiest we are going to have our asses handed to us by the opposing team (even when that team is just our fellow roller girls).  GymGirls see women working together.  I feel like my best self at derby, even when I am on the rink floor wanting to vomit.

I want my daughter to see me at my best self, feeling like my best self.  I want to be someone she looks up to.  I want to be a hero in my daughter's eyes.  I might be a hero to her without derby but at derby I feel like a hero.  If I want my daughter to grow up knowing that she can be her own hero then I have to model that to her.  I derby for me.  Derby is for me.  Derby carries to just all other areas of my life.  After derby I keep that best self around.  Other people get to see me too.

I want my daughter to know she has the right to do something just for her.  I love having her at derby.  She loves going to derby.  Maybe one day she'll be a roller girl herself but even if she doesn't choose that path, I know seeing her mom being strong, being beautiful, being weak, being her best self, will help GymGirl feel being her best self is normal.

My derby/corset connection

Since starting derby and really committing to passing minimum skills, I started wearing a corset regularly.  You might ask what in the world does one have to do with the other?  Well let me write you the connection.

I've always played around with wearing corsets and have loved the look always!  I think girdles are more pinup but the extreme curves women can get in a corset has always made me love them over girdles.  I bought a fashion corset for performing on stage and that lead me to buying my first waist-training corset from Orchard Corset.  The first thing I noticed about wearing a real corset was that my posture was so much better.  The lifting of the boobs is one part corset shelf and one part they stick out when you stand up or sit up straight. 

I have horrible posture.  Seriously!  I love to slouch since it doesn't hurt my back.  Sitting with good posture means that my back hurts so I just don't do it.  The corset left me with no choice but to have good posture because slouching in a corset hurts! 

So the derby connection, straight back with boobs out while squatting is proper derby stance.  If you don't get into proper derby stance it doesn't take much to knock your ass to the floor.  Stay in derby stance!  Do you see my problem?  Proper derby stance hurts like a mother-fucker if you are professional sloucher.  My back hurts so badly after one hour of derby let alone two.  I've taken to wearing my corset (a wasp-sized one from Orchard and gift from DH) as a way to help support my back and create good posture muscle memory.  It is totally helping!

The corset also gives me, well accentuates, my killer curves.  Wednesday I have a body by derby and corset :)  I'm contemplating buying one of Orchards new waist cinchers for working out.  I gotta get my derby stance as second nature to get into bouting shape.  So I'm not waist training, I'm posture training!

The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Martha

So I see myself as the Stay-Puft Marshmallow man, you know from Ghostbusters.  Besides sounding crazy by admitting to this feeling, I find it also limits me in the things that I do.  I'm always afraid of taking too much room.  I worry about not having enough clearance to move around people.  This is become a painfully obvious problem in roller derby.

Roller derby requires that I am in tune with my body.  I have to know exactly where my hips are, my feet, my arms, like every part of me has to be in place or injuries and penalties will abound.  The problem is that I believe that my hips are huge.  I believe that my ass is so massive that I need extra clearance room.  If I give the room to my body that believe it needs then the jammer is going to get by me.  I'm going to try to block someone and they are going to skate right around me.  How do I move my brain past the feeling of being massive and into the reality of the situation?  The fact is I'm not that damn big!  I'm 5'4", about 230 lbs, and wear at size 14/16.  I'm just not Stay-Puft big!

I can't exactly put my finger on the when I got massive in my own mind.  Maybe it was the usually grade school teasing that made me balloon in my own head.  Being told I was super huge til the point that I believed it and made it my reality.  Just today I was walking from picking up lunch and some guy, like 20 or so, said "Hey I like your dress."  I totally ignored him.  I figured he was just trying to stop me long enough to make some joke at my expense.  What is he just liked my dress?  Anyways, at some point I will have to some to terms with my body in its real existence otherwise I'll never pass minimum skills.

Roller derby makes me see myself as strong.  Roller derby makes me push myself.  Can roller derby get me over my body image issues?  I guess only time will tell.  I can't do a proper hip check if I don't know where my hips are so I better get to knowing my body!

Random #RollerDerby Craft: Team #CrossStitch

I have another roller derby craft ready! This one took forever!

You can't tell in the picture but the star and pivot stripe both have iridescent white floss.  It was a pain to work with and I don't think it shows up too well but the whole then felt incomplete without  something in the star and stripe.

As always you are welcome to download and make the pattern: Roller Derby Team.  Here is the link to the PDF: Roller Derby Team PDF.  The star is black but the pivot stripe is blank.  Play with colors and adapt as needed.  It's free so that all crafty derby girls can make cool crafty stuff! 

Any questions or suggestions drop me a line martha (at) wheatlessmama (dot) com

All I want for Christmas list 2014

For the last two years I've posted something I want for Christmas starting Dec 1 until Dec 24. I do it for a couple of reasons, when you have to write down what you want I think the universe tends to help focus energy in that direction, I find myself being more grateful for what I do have since I usually struggle to find something different that I want for each day, and people say I'm hard to shop for so I'm giving a concrete list of stuff that can be given to me. For the record, I'm not difficult to shop for, I'm not romantic or taken in by stuff. I want something practical or something that you can't usually buy. Anyways here was this year's list along with a note if I actually got it or not. Day 1: Grippy Socks (I found my old ones so that totally counts) Day 2: Over the Knee Socks that actually fit Day 3: New speed skates Day 4: Triple 8's knee pads (I actually got a great deal on some 187's so totally the same thing) Day 5: GymGirl's presents to be here on time (they were!) Day 6: Good Chai Tea Day 7: Master my crossovers (I doing the crossovers in motion not quite mastered but getting there) Day 8: Black knit pencil skirt Day 9: DerbySkinz Day 10: New Car Stereo Day 11: Nike fuel band or a FitBit or something similar Day 12: New wasp corset (DH got me two for Christmas day!) Day 13: New Brown Boots Day 14: Decorate the Hello Kitty cake with crussing (I did it but it was difficult) Day 15: Gluten-free Tiramisu Day 16: Havana Nights dress from Pin-up Girl Clothing Day 17: Cute printed leggings Day 18: Acupuncture Day 19: Silvery hoop earnings (for clarification, not real silver but silver-colored) Day 20: Warm hugs (I've received a few) Day 21: Sushi Day 22/23: New shoes Day 24: My voice (still not back, this is day 6 without it) So out of 24 wishes, 7 are done and the rest are in motion. Yes, I could put peace on Earth or good health but that just isn't as fun. I spend all of November posting what I'm thankful for so why not be more or less an ass leading up to December. Really stuff is the point of Christmas for most people. I don't really want stuff. People ask so here is a list. I could fill it with wishes for things like hugs but people don't like to work that hard.

Random #RollerDerby #Craft: Knock that Bitch on her Ass

Finally got another pattern drawn and cross stitched out. I like the helmet.  In the pattern I didn't use different colors but I think it's pretty easy to make a decision on where to draw the color line.  I also filled in the star.  I found it easiest to do just a couple of lines of the helmet (the one closest to the words) and then fill in the star.  I haven't made the PDF yet but I wanted to go ahead and get this up.  Hopefully I'll get a PDF up soon.  Let me know if the jpeg is too hard to work with or any other questions or comments! martha (at) wheatlessmama (dot) com
Here is the link to the pattern jpeg: Knock that Bitch on her Ass!
Here is the PDF: Knock that Bitch on her Ass!

Dis Bitch Done

So the title really doesn't mean anything other than me trying to get your attention :)

It happened!  I finally got a crossover while in motion!  So if you didn't know roller derby has a minimum skills test, which you must pass before you can actually join a team.  You don't want to send someone out there to get hurt.  The test covers everything from stopping to endurance and everything in between.  You learn more at Women's Flat Track Derby Association (WFTDA) website (I've linked the information on minimum skills).

Well anyways, I ain't anywhere near passing minimum skills.  I have lots of skills to work on but I've been very stuck on crossovers.  I could do them standing but not in motion.  The only way to pass the endurance/speed test is with the crossovers.  Simply can't get enough speed going without them.  I've been so stuck that I didn't think I would ever get them.  I mean up until two weeks ago I was still holding the wall to crossrover!  I got them last night! 

I know I've been very in my head about the crossover.  SoHo has told me more than once to get out of my head and just skate.  I can't help it.  Can't you tell I'm usually in my head?  I mean I blog rather than talk.  So we fall in derby.  It's derby you are going to fall.  I know I am going to fall.  I fall every week!  I was so afraid of falling while crossing over.  I have no clue why.  I kept telling myself that it is okay to fall and just get it over with already. 

Last night, I went to roller derby with a different attitude.  I requested Black Widows (2 laps sprinted followed by an exercise like push-ups or mountain climbers).  I wanted to see how far I had come.  My first time doing Black Widows I had been on skate like three weeks.  I was scared.  I was the last person in each time.  I wanted to challenge myself.  I did great!  I was ready for crossovers.  I worked up the nerve and I crossed my legs in motion and I FELL!  I fell then I got up and like magic I could crossover.  I stopped looking at my feet and they were crossing over.  The worst that could happen happened and then I was okay! 

I have long way to go to passing minimum skills but I'm tackling each skill slowly and growing as a skater.  I am going to pass minimum skills.  I'm sure people are sick of me talking about roller derby but is what I'm working on at the moment.  I love roller derby! Enjoy the DC Roller Girls singing "Play Derby With Me"

Belated Wordless Wednesday: HappyBirthday GymGirl

Why I wish everyday was #RollerDerby Day

I love roller derby.  I love that for once a week I don't feel so alone. I'm not sure how the rest of you feel but I feel pretty alone most of the time.  Even in a group I feel alone.  I'm not sure why but it is just my truth.  I'm the listener not the talker.  Even when I want to talk I never seem to find a listener.  I seem to have a role to play in this world and it usually involves me listening or being invisible.

Derby is different.  At derby I feel like I belong just as I am.  I don't have to pretend to be outgoing.  I don't have to pretend to be weak.  I don't have to hide.  Derby requires me to show all sides of myself.  I can't improve and get closer to passing the minimum skills test unless I'm honest about where in skill mastery I am.  I can't learn to jump in skates unless my teammates see me falling.  It is actually pretty freeing to have a place where I can really just be.

I started the year off with what I thought was solid group of friends by June I was alone.  Derby came into my life at the right time.  I wish it was derby everyday so that I could be me everyday.  I want to feel less alone.  Every Thursday I belong.  Every Thursday I fit in.  Every Thursday I feel needed and wanted.  I feel like if I missed derby Thursday, my derby sisters would miss me.  I wish it was derby everyday.

Random #RollerDerby Craft: It's Derby you are going to fall! #Crossstitch

So I created another roller derby cross stitch for the world to share.  I'm not exactly happy with it and I have a couple of mistakes in the sample but what can you do?  Oh yeah do it again only better!

The mistakes are in the second derby girl with the skirt.  I don't like the first derby girl at all so in the next one I'll be redesigning her.  I'm also going to fill in the girls.  I think there is too much white!  Keep an eye out for a reformatted version of the derby girls with a different SoHo saying!  Have fun and as always if you need advice or having something to share to make the pattern better hit me up at martha (at) wheatlessmama (dot) com

Here is the downloadable file: It's Derby! You are going to FALL!

Random #RollerDerby #Craft: There's No Sorry in Roller Derby #crossstitch

Here is the finish product.
Here is the link to a pdf: There's No Sorry in Roller Derby

please feel free to share and to adapt to your own needs.  I'm sorry the letters are not more clear.  I should have done them in black.  These pattern was adapted from various things I found online so please share away.  I modeled the skates after my Riedelle R3s, which don't have any white stripes so these skates don't have any.  My plates are actually black but it was too much black for this purpose :)  The pdf is on ten by ten squares graph paper, hope that helps!

 Let me know how it goes!  If you have any questions, please feel free to email martha (at) wheatlessmama (.) com

I'm dropping the band and keeping the bass

If you have ever watch Wonderfalls then the title is a take one of the episodes.  Anyways I've left the band.  It was a difficult call to make but I feel so much better now that it is out there.  It is hard to describe exactly what happened but in the end, I just wasn't comfortable being at practice.  Honestly I should have dropped out about three months ago but the timing just seemed wrong. 

This is one of those when do you let go sort of things.  I was happy being in the band intially.  I loved being in a band and the thrill of being on stage but when you don't feel safe being in the safe space as someone else then it's time to move on.  I hated to let go.  I knew there would be no going back but why tip toe around issues?  Beside this way hopefully the band will continue and I'm so busy on my Mission Pass Minimum Skills and dissertation is on the horizon that leaving was the best option.  I could air dirty laundry but what would be the point?  Talking to the wrong people about personal issues is why I stopped feeling safe in the first place.  The only thing to say in the end is that it is difficult to field Gymgirl's questions about why we haven't been to band practice and how she misses seeing everyone.  I'll take the blame since everyone seems to want to hand it to me in the first place.  Who knows maybe it was all my fault but given all of my studies and life experience I think there was more than one party blame.  Well anyways, I'm dropping the band and keeping the bass, for now at least.

Picture is from our last gig.

Derby girl in the making

So I started going to the local rec league roller derby when it started back in September.  I went because I was invited and DH was in San Francisco; I figured I could stay at home and cry about  DH being gone or I could get off my ass and try something new.  I got off my ass.

I was not committed at first but in the time since my first practice I've really grown to love derby.  I love the workout.  I love the different ladies that come out and practice.  The atmosphere is supportive.  I push myself.  I feel apart of something bigger than myself while being able to see that I am a vital piece.  I call it the Sisterhood of Sweat and that is exactly what it feels like.  It is a sisterhood.  Everyone pushing each other and supporting each other and working together.

So far I have bought myself some pretty elemental gear.  Derby is more expensive than running for sure but I don't think I realized how much I missed being on a team.  Running is solo work; derby is teamwork.  I have a new to me pair of Riddle R3s, which are starter speed skates.  I hope to upgrade in a few months.  I just upgraded to a Sisu mouthguard!  I'm very excited!  I have Triple 8 wrist guards.  I'm using Shawn White elbow and knee pads; these I need to upgrade next!  The knee pads don't fit at all.  I can barely keep them on.  So all in all I've spent just under $200 in gear and I'm looking at dropping another $100 or so in the near future for better pads and new wheels. 

Our rec league is affiliated with the East Texas Bombers and we are lucky to have two bombers run our practice, SoHo and MC2.  I think part of the appeal of derby for me is that for once I'm not alone in believe I can do this.  It honestly feels like each lady that comes out believes that we can all do this derby thing.  When SoHo yells at me to push just a bit harder or that I got this, I believe she means it.  I got this.  I can see where each lady fits.  I can see where I fit.  I belong and I fit in.  I love derby!

Anyways, I have no derby name yet.  I'm playing around with a few.  I think I'm going to have people vote on my derby name on Facebook just to see what happens.  Since this goes out to the whole world I won't be posting all the details of practice and such but dropping me an email or look us up on Facebook for more details and come out and play derby with us!

When are you going to have another baby?

So I'm 35 and have one child.  No this was not my plan.  I had planned to have 4 kids and I would have been done having them last year.  Some how my plans did not get properly transmitted to the Big Guy Upstairs and my plans didn't come to pass.  I'm getting good with it.  I'm not totally good with it but I'm getting there.

I get asked the dreaded question, when are you going to have another one?, and I'm getting tired of answering it.  Why do people care about the status of my uterus?  Have I screwed up so badly with GymGirl that they are trying to see if I'll do better next time?  Why do people ask?

As far as I can see GymGirl will be an only child.  So not my plan!  I know I'm in good company with other fabulous mothers who only have one child.  But yes it hurts to think I'm done at one.  We've been trying for a while and nothing.  I'm pretty sure I've had at least one very early miscarriage but otherwise no baby.

I don't want to tell random people my uterus business.  Why do random people ask?  Seriously you just met me and you want to know when I'm having another one.  Why do people bypass me and ask my daughter if she wants a baby brother or sister?  Like this isn't hard enough without extra pressure of a child asking for you to reproduce.

I'm no where near out of options.  We haven't been to a specialist.  We have even put a baby to the back burner until after I become Dr. Wheatless Mama.  I'm 35 and healthy.  In my family babies after 40 are pretty common.  If a baby is in my future still then I'll happily embrace that future but if I'm one and done then I'm getting good with that too.

Being Catholic the implication to only one child is that I'm using artificial birth control.  People have a hard time believing that some women, Mexican women in particular, have a hard time getting pregnant.  I use NFP, Natural Family Planning.  We have since we got married and God's plan so far is for us to have only one child. 

I am running out of patience and not super personal answers.  I don't want to lie or be rude but seriously what the hell kind of answer do you expect?  Like I'm going to announce to a perfect stranger that actually I'm pregnant now but we haven't told anyone.  What exactly do people want to know when they ask that question?  Anyways this was mostly a rant.  Moving on . . .

Exoskeleton of Support

So the band I'm in played a benefit gig a few weeks back.  I noticed many people stayed outside but told us we sounded great.  I think the idea was that they were being supportive but it was just too loud for them.  They had a our back though.  I've been sitting with this idea a while and I'm still quite confused by the whole thing.

How can you sit outside and still be supportive?  If I don't walk in to place, is my declaration of support still valid?  This brings to mind all of the online petitions that get passed around.  Those are the very least we can do.  If I am doing the bare minimum am I actually doing anything? 

I am very much a get off your ass type of person.  If I believe in something and I can do something to help then I try my best to get off my ass and help.  I've cleaned up "bad" neighborhoods.  I've played games with seniors in a nursing home.  I've attended punk rock shows even then I think they are too loud and I'm too old.  I've gone to events in other cities to be supportive of the organization even when I didn't know any of the performers.  Can you be supportive if you never get up?

I keep thinking about the idea of shop local, support downtown, buy organic and those such movements.  DH owns a coffeeshop in downtown Lufkin.  I ask people to buy local and support downtown.  I changed to a beautyshop downtown.  I try to buy clothes in downtown but I don't really have much luck since I'm a lady of a certain size.  I want others to be downtown so I'm downtown.  Should I be doing more?  I guess we can usually do more. 

Where is the line of support?  Can my online signature do anything?  Does my dollar do as much as me getting off my ass actually helping build a habitat for humanity house?  Can I say I'm supporting something, a business, a musician, an artist, but sit outside?  I have no answers and mixed up feelings.

GymGirl's first fundraiser

Please support our fundraiser



Above is the link for GymGirl's first fundraiser.  If you can help out please click on the link.

Wordless Wednesday: Birth of a Roller Girl

Riedell R3s!

#Wordless Wednesday: #MinimalPinup

Update September 2014

So I'm busy.  Stats is hard.  Change theory is hard.

I have joined a roller derby league.  DH has opened a business, more details to come as he actually opens.

Gym girl is doing well.  First team performance will be next week.  First team competition will be next month.

Short sweet and very incomplete.

Update on life/unschooling

So I've been busy and lazy.  Blogging as of late has not been appealing even though I've had lots of blogging ideas.  Writing them down just has not been part of the thinking process.

As far as an update I am jumping into the world of research and will be taking a statistics class this fall.  I'm not looking forward to weekly Wednesday night classes (I haven't done a weekly class since 2007 during my MLIS days).  It will be a huge adjustment for all of us.  I think GymGirl will have the hardest time since her team class is also on Wednesday nights and DH will also be changing jobs soon and he'll be working evenings.  GymGirl will go from having her mom and dad for dinner nightly to just mom and mom will be gone one night a week.  I worry about so much for her at once.

Unschooling seems to still be working for us.  I must admit I struggle with letting her take the lead.  I want to buy a curriculum and put it on her desk to sort of trick her into showing interest.  She is doing a great job reading.  She is muddling through "2nd Grade" level books.  I'm not sure what leveling books really does other than make a parent feel justified in their own parenting decisions.  Yeah, my 4-year-old is reading a 2nd grade book!  I'm a great mom!  It's so not like that!  GymGirl likes to read.  She sees her mom and dad reading all of the time so she puts books up too. 

We have started something new with GymGirl.  We are reading The Mouse and The Motorcycle by Beverly Cleary to her.  One chapter a day and we started on Monday.  It was one of my favorite books and I don't think GymGirl was too impressed with the first chapter but last night's chapter ended with a cliffhanger!  What happened to Ralph?  "Mom, did Ralph die?  Mom what happens next?"  You'll have to wait for Chapter 3 tomorrow.  I think I've got her hooked! 

DH will be staring The Wind in the Willows with her soon.  I think the chapters are too long but he loves the story and I think sharing what you love trumps "appropriate length" any day.  I mean these are chapter books and she is only 4. 

GymGirl is also showing a strong interest in math.  She does calculations for fun and then ask if she is right.  Her current math thing is to quiz everyone in the house on addition facts.  I guess we're fine just letting her explore life.

#RandomRecipe: #GF All Purpose Flour Mix

Here is my go to GF all purpose flour mix:


5 1/4 cups (25 oz) fine white rice flour
1 cup (7 oz) potato flour
1 cup (3 1/2 oz) tapioca flour (also called tapioca starch)

I use a food scale and weight out my flours rather than measure out in a cup.

I found this recipe in Phil Vickery's Gluten-Free Baking, he calls it Basic Flour Mix A.  In that book Vickery limits the uses of this mix to cakes and cookies (I think) but I honestly love it for most of my applications rather than spending tons of money buying a pre-made all purpose mix.  There were some other good recipes in this book so search ISBN: 9781554078110 for your own copy.  I borrowed it from my local library and like I said I love this flour mix.

If the recipe calls for an all purpose mix with xantham gum, you can add 1/4 tsp of xantham gum per cup of this flour mix.

I borrowed this book from the library and Phil Vickery has no clue who I am so I have not been compensated for the post at all.  I love this flour mix and why spend tons of money on an expensive mix when this one works so well?

I spent  $6 on two bags of white rice flour (24 oz each), $4 for one 24 oz potato flour, and $4 for one 24 oz tapioca flour.  The potato flour and tapioca flour will both stretch into another batch and you'll only need one bag of rice flour the next time so I think this is pretty thrifty since you get about 7 cups of mix per batch. 

GymGirl loses a tooth

So yesterday we had a major milestone for GymGirl; she lost her first tooth.  This should have been a happy occasion but instead it ended in tears.  You see GymGirl swallowed her tooth!  She was eating her frozen gluten-free donut (she prefers them that way) and did not notice the tooth had come loose.
I'm not sure how to feel about the whole thing.  One it is funny.  She swallowed the tooth!  However, this marks the start of kid-hood.  She's four and a half!  The time has flown.  I thought I had more time!  She even has a second one that is loose!