Sober

DH has been sober for 3 years, which means he is an alcoholic.  My husband, the man I met in 10th grade health class, is a drunk, a wino, a alcoholic.  Honestly it pains me to say it.  It hurts every time I think about it.  My dad is also an alcoholic.  I think that is why it was so natural for me to not see it with DH.  I don't think I really know what a healthy relationship with alcohol is suppose to look like. 

DH never drank in high school.  He too is from a family of people with alcohol issues.  He like most kids started in college.  Me, I never wanted to really drink.  I was too afraid I would become an alcoholic.  I never realized how much DH was drinking in college.  When we would spend weekends together, he didn't drink.  Since I didn't drink, he didn't.  In college most of my friends were from families of alcoholics so drinking was not something we did.  I guess we figured we should just avoid it so that we could avoid becoming what we had grown up with.

When we got married I had only had one too many once.  Since marrying DH over 11 years ago, I know my count of nights of one too many hoovers around 10.  How can I let him drink alone?  In my mind I was sharing with my husband not enabling an alcoholic.  DH taught me to drink.  Wine tastings, beer tastings, flights of various liquors and yet alcohol has never been a problem for me.  I can take it or leave it.  Even in all of that I never saw the problem for him.  He slowly began to tell me about the drinking in college.  He made sure that I know that he was an alcoholic from the start of our marriage but I never saw a problem with him drinking because that is what my dad does.  My dad knows alcohol can be a problem for him but he knows his limits and drinks on occasion so I didn't know that DH was struggling.  I don't know what a healthy relationship with alcohol looks like.

So when Ravebaby was born and DH poured out all of the liquor in the house and finally told me once and for all that was it, he was sober and no more alcohol, then I saw what I had been missing.  My brain finally turned on and saw it for what it was, a problem.  I am not mad at DH.  I proud of him for seeing the problem and talking about the problem and making me see the problem.  I am mad at me for being blind to it.  I am scared that it will happen again.  I am worried I am going to miss it and it is going to be too late for help. 

See, my marriage has three people in it.  Me, DH, and DH's other main squeeze, Alcohol.  She is always there.  Sometimes I feel like she is in between us.  I don't mind her.  I don't mind seeing her.  Actually my problem is when I forget she's there.  When I relax and take a deep breath and then I get smacked in the face when DH says, "I have been itching for a drink."  Slam, how could I forget?

Watching Nashville last night and seeing Deacon, the country singing alcoholic, fall off the wagon felt too real.  I begged Deacon not to drink.  Tears poured out of me as he drank.  I screamed at the tv when he asked for another.  I got mad when he skipped the meeting to get drunk.  I felt like I was watching my future.  I know it is a TV show.  I know Deacon isn't real except he is. 

This isn't pre-Ravebaby days.  There is a lot on the line now.  DH tells me that he got sober for himself.  He tells me that Ravebaby and I are what help him stay sober.  He knows what is at stake.  I am still afraid I am going to miss it.  I am afraid I am going to be blind to it.  I trust DH.  I know DH but I am still afraid.  Three years sober is nothing in the grand scheme of things.  I know people fall off the wagon all the time.  I know you can fall and pick yourself up again.  I just can't control any of it and so I am mad about it. 

#Mamavation Monday: Overwhelming

Yesterday I decided to put all of my summer classes into my calendar. I had done that for my last masters program and I found it really helped me make decisions and for planning. I had seen the dates in my information but going from a list to putting them on my calendar made it super real and super overwhelming. I have class every Friday in June. I have two Saturdays in June. In July I have the the first weekend off (for the 4th) and then I have every Friday and two Saturdays. My Fridays will be noon til 8:30pm! That is a long time to be in class!

Since I stopped full time over a year ago, I haven't really spent that much time away from Ravebaby. I know the schedule will be a huge change for her. I am also debating my work schedule. Right now it is m-f 9-2, so not too bad but my program is in the next town over so Fridays will basically be a wash for work. It also means only Sundays with my family. At this point I am just not sure how to pay for my degree, the gas to drive up there nor the car that I will need since right now DH and I just share one.

Here is the thing, I am overwhelmed but at peace. The ultimate, if God will lead you to it then he/she will lead you through it. I know I will have resolution and everything I need. I know Ravebaby will adjust and DH will be supportive but looking at my calendar and seeing zero free weekends is scary.

I have decided to try working in walking at my current job. Today my co-worker and I got in a half-mile. Not too great but in the Texas sun after a couple of months of sitting on my butt I think it is okay. I have also put my foot down with DH. We must work out. I need to stress relief. It is amazing to me how much better I feel, how much more at peace. So I gotta keep it up!

This post is sponsored by Noelle Katai and Mamavation – a community dedicated to obesity prevention & weight loss for women and I’m writing this to be entered into a giveaway

Mother's Day tattoo

For Mother's Day/birthday gift, DH got me my first tattoo. I love it. It is still healing and I'll have at least another session for color but still love. So here it is:

So a word about the subject matter. It is a breastfeeding pinup. It is based on one I had found online but Pat the tattoo artist personalized it for me. The original had roses. I hate roses so we added a dogwood for Ravebaby's home state. Even once we add the color the tattoo is in complete and that is on purpose. I wanted to leave room for more flowers for any more children that we might have. I also had Pat making the baby more like Ravebaby instead of just a massive curl, we have lots of subtle curls. Pat also turned the nose and added a nose ring stud for me.

So why this? To me pinups are the ultimate in sexy and beauty. As a nursing mother I don't think any other moments captured motherhood for me like nursing. This tattoo is the most beautiful woman doing the most beautiful thing. I feel like I should name her, the tattoo that is. We'll see if one ever materializes. Anyways that is my first tattoo. Isn't it great!

#mamavation monday: stomache flu is not a weightloss plan

This weekend was spent fighting my body and my husband for the toilet.   I don't recommend the stomach flu.   I have read stories of people who eat tape worms to try to lose weight.  I've known people who were bulimic and after having my head in the toilet playing homage to the porcelain gods i have no clue who anyone does that just to fit into a pair of jeans.

Anyways after spending all of Sunday in bed out on the toilet and not being able to eat at all working out is not on my radar.   I know i need to get back into a routine. I miss working out. I miss running. I miss feeling strong. I must get off my ass.

 This post is sponsored by Dr. Ken and Mamavation – a community dedicated to obesity prevention & weight loss for women and I’m writing this to be entered into a giveaway 

Losing my gig-ginity

Last night Red Shoe P$&@? played our first show. I was okay until I started playing. I felt so naked. I was scared and shaking. I missed serval notes on 7 nation Army but managed to calm myself enough to play the rest of the show pretty mistake free. I even managed to keep my cool enough during Cherrybomb to look up at the crowd. I am not going to lie, I was shaking for the rest of the night.

Rockerwife, my bandmate and soul sister, loved it. Her nerves calmed down once the music started! I think it helped that she was behind a drum kit so there was less nakedness. She did great! We already have our next gig lined up! Hard to believe we have only been playing for 6 months. We're going to try to work out a new song before the next gig and I am really looking forward to starting a new song. I am not sure that I am ready to jump on stage again but I also know that if I don't I won't so on to The Second Annual This Won't Suck in Shreveport next month.

Hugs: Embrace your archnemises

So the last two months or so a Facebook post on hugging has been making the rounds.  I have seen it attributed to the Dalai Lama but who knows where is comes from but here is a version of it:





Anyways this has brought to mind the whole idea of hugging.  Being Mexican hugging is pretty normal.  We hug we give cheek kisses in general most Mexicans are very outwardly affectionate.  Being married to a black man, I have come to expect and enjoy the super hugs I receive from people who are total strangers to me but family via my husband.  I am from a family of hugs.  We love them and give them freely with each other.

I have many friends that are not from the same hugging affectionate crowd.  With them it is difficult to hug.  It is difficult to trust that when going in for a hug I won't be rejected.  I guess really comes to the heart of the matter: trust.  While yes Jesus was betrayed by a hug and a kiss, you have to have a certain openness or trust with someone to go in for the hug.  Trust that I am not invading your space but that I am welcomed into it.

How hard is it to hug someone you don't know?  Honestly I find it pretty easy.  I find it harder to hug someone I know.  If I "know" you in theory I trust you and in theory it should be easy but it also means that I know you are not a huggy person.  I know that a hug is an invasion to you no matter who does the hugging.  I can't hug you without making you feel uncomfortable and that makes me uncomfortable.  Hugs are an expression of affection, of love, or caring and of accepting.

So with all of that in mind I threw down a personal challenge to hug my Archnemises.  He is not from a hugging family.  High fives and handshakes but no hugs.  This was a true challenge for both of us.  It is weird to hug a mirror.  Anyways, I threw down my challenge on Monday and by Friday it was time to put up or shut up.  To make matters stranger, Archnemises was deathly ill so great bring on the germs.  We did hug.  It was strange.  It wasn't the warmest hug ever but thawing takes heat.

I think hugging is going to become part of the coffee crew greeting.  The crew is not much for hugging and I think it speaks to a lack of trust.  Maybe its is because we are all so hot that we worry that we'll just start making out mid-hug but I have a solution for that!  The good ol' Christian side hug!  No genitals near each other but still warm and friendly :)  Anyways, I did hug Archnemises on Monday and it was not as frosty.  See progress made!

Anyways, embrace people.  If the hugging rule is true, we all need hugs.  We all need to feel invited, accepted, and loved.  If I can hug my archnemises, then surely we can all grow instead of just survive.

Wordless Wednesday: Red Shoe P$&@?