Back Back Back again

 Way back on April 1st, I made my way back to Wiley.  When I left Wiley College, now Wiley University, despite all of the good work I knew I had done, I felt a bit like a failure.  I had worked so hard and now I was so tired.  I think a part of me thought that a good leader wouldn't have been so exhausted that they left.  I know now that isn't true but that was how I felt.  I loved Wiley and loved the team I was working with but I was so tired.

On top of being tired, I think I was searching for confirmation that the library was still my place.  I had been doing so much administrative duties that despite being the Director of Library Services, I didn't get to library much.  Part of that was also a lack of actual skill on my part.  I am a great educator, researcher, and librarian but my technical skills were rusty and really needed to be honed.  In the world of library technology I was about 10 years behind and while I knew I could make it work and stay on at Wiley one of the things I learned at Wiley was a love for HBCUs.  So what is the connection?  Well, I kept seeing that HBCUs (but as it turns out most colleges period) suffer from people staying in place too long.  I am a good librarian, better now for having gone to Panola, but in order to provide the best library service, I needed to grow my skill set.  So I found a mentor who was willing to teach me the latest in library technologies in the back-of-house area (technical services).  While I'm sure he would have mentored me without me joining him at Panola, I knew I needed to be somewhere different to try and feel less tired so I left Marshall and headed down to Carthage.

I learned so much at Panola.  My boss was a good mentor.  His leadership style was also very different from my own so I could see a different type of leadership in action.  I was lucky that I had another good boss to work with and another boss that I hated to leave but leave I did and returned to Wiley.

Before I completely gloss over my time at Panola; I really did learn a lot not only about being a librarian but about me as a person and leader.  I learned I don't like having time to myself.  I really like having a project to work on.  I learned I missed being a decision-maker at the big table.  I started my yoga teacher certification, which I had been wanting to do for years.  I learned that I wanted to be back in administration.  I learned that I want to be excellent and that for me being okay was not enough to keep me motivated.

So I'm back at Wiley.  While I think some would look at my time at Panola as a step backward, going from director to just librarian, I know they are wrong.  In order for an arrow to launch; it has to be pulled backward.  Right now, in my career, I have been launched forward.  I'm working hard. I feel behind.  I love it.  

going on a trip w/o Ravebaby and DH

So I'm going to a research conference on Sunday and I'm going to be gone for 4 days and 3 nights.  I'm going without Ravebaby and DH.  This will be the first time I'm going to be gone from Rave for more than 24 hrs.  Honestly I haven't been away from DH for this long since 2007!  I'm freaking out.

Thank God for Facebook and crunchy mamas as friends.  It's good to be able to reach out and not feel like a freak for never having really left my child.  I know many moms leave their kids overnight from the get go and if it works for them then more power to them.  I'm not that mom.  I did not have child to just keep living like I don't have one and I've been fortunate enough that I've been able to make life choices that allow me to max my time time with Rave and still allow me to not lose myself.  So I'm not hating on anyone.  I don't feel guilty about the way I live my life and you shouldn't either.

Anyways, I'm freaking out.  I'll report back how it goes.  I'm sure it will be fine.  Rave is in the best hands possible.  Anyone else other there wait til your child was older to be gone for the first time?

Attachment Parenting ruined my career

And I couldn't be happier! Title is a little misleading I know. You were expecting me to tell you all about how I hate my life now and it's all because of the horrible oppressing expectations of APing. See here is the thing, I feel that APing actually set me straight. Hear me out.

So I kinda felling into APing. Ravebaby was about a year old before I even knew my style of parenting was AP. I had hear so many negative things about AP that since I was so happy I could not possibly be an AP parent.

How did this journey into AP parenting begin? Well I got pregnant and decided to breastfeed. It all starts there. I gave birth to Ravebaby at exactly 38 weeks after having my water broken for about 72 hrs. I had her at home so our first nap was with her on my chest in my bed. That is how I got hooked on co-sleeping. She was so small and every time I would put her in her bed she would cry. It broke my heart so I just kept her next to me. I found it made my life easier too once I returned to work since Ravebaby reversed her nursing pattern. With her in the bed I could nurse her all night and still get some sleep.

The baby wearing came from not wanting to lug a stroller and wanting Ravebaby close. It was just so much easier to put that baby in a Moby wrap and go. She was about 8 weeks old and I've been collecting babywearing gear ever since.

Being a delayed vaxer came from research, a gut feeling, and Ravebaby's reaction to her first round of vaccines. How can I force my baby to take shot after shot and suffer for the next few days at such a young age? We are not totally anti-vax. Just delayed and spaced out.

So on to how it ruined my career. I listen to Ravebaby. I take the time to bond with her. I was a full-time working mom since she was 6 weeks old. I felt like I gave everything I had at work and would be just a shell for Ravebaby. I was in a job I hated working for someone that didn't seem to really want me there so I made the decision to be a mom first instead of a librarian. It was not an easy transition for me. It's been very difficult financially but I wouldn't have it any other way. I am watching Ravebaby grow and learn. I have a part-time job that helps with the bills and keeps me from going nuts from a lack of adult conversation. But when I get home after 5 hours, I have energy for my child. We sing silly songs. We paint. We nurse. We play in the iPad. I get to raise my child.

I do miss library work. When I get ready to go back at some point in the future I'll have a huge gap in my resume. I am cool with that because I also hope to have a daughter that is happy, healthy, and productive. APing has ruined my career and I thank God for it.

Just a picture of Ravebaby washing dishes. Yes it's messing and gets nothing clean but it's fun and she's learning. I really love my life.