Friday, February 26, 2010


I think guilt is every mom's cross to bare. At first I was thinking it was my good old Catholic guilt just kicking in but this guilt feel different. This guilt hurts and sits on my chest so that I can't breath.
I work all day and Ray stays at home with Audrey. Once I come home I take Audrey and feed her and play with her and in general spend time with her but no amount of hours at night can make up for the daytime hours I am not with her. The time I spend with other people's babies making them the best they can be while my own child grows up without me. I can see why so many women quit working. I'll never get this time back.
I think for the most part I'm okay with it. At least Audrey is with her dad and she is cared for by someone who loves her and thinks she is the best baby in the world. Honestly, Ray could not be a better father. But then my guilt gets replaced with jealousy. Why does he get to have all the fun? She looks for Daddy for comfort. She only sees me as food. It's hard to be away.
I think the guilt is also so bad because I want time to myself but I feel like I'm not entitled to it since I do work outside of the home. How can I possibly deserve time to myself when my baby needs me? I want to take time to go to Target and buy a new nursing tank but I feel guilty for wanting to go without Audrey.
Guilt is a horrible thing. You don't want to talk about it. It's like admitting you are doing something wrong, otherwise why are you feeling guilty? I think I'm also struggling with loneliness. I don't have any physically close best-girlfriends to hang out with and my friends that are close by don't have kids so they probably won't understand and I don't want to be the friend that only talks about their kid. I love Audrey and she is my whole world but sometimes I do long for the big world. Again, that is a horrible thing to say! What mother doesn't want to spend every waking hour with their child? I don't know maybe it's all normal but it sure doesn't feel like it.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Me and my Moby

Well yesterday was the first time I wore my Moby wrap. I felt like a total Earth-Mother. My wrap is beautiful. It's chocolate brown with a tan butterfly on the front. I have been using a Front-to-Back rider but it felt so industrial. I had my daughter on my chest but there was so much fabric and material between us, she may as well have been in a stroller.
The Moby wrap was different. I could feel her and her body heat. She could grab on to my shirt and feel me. Wraps are totally the way to go. It felt like I was connected to my daughter rather just having her hanging off of me. It was a nice feeling especially since we were at Ash Wednesday mass. The whole mother-daughter connection just felt so special. I'm looking forward to wearing Audrey more. I'm thinking I might need more wraps too, just for variety. I'm not a totally skilled baby-wearer yet but I'm finding that learning the skill is going to be essential in my development as a mom.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

I'm Miss Granola Sunshine

Well, as it turns out I might be crunchy after all. I was recently reading a discussion on about whether or not a person who has a homebirth is crunchy or a hippie. I had honestly never thought about myself as a hippie until that thread.
What exactly is a hippie? I mean when I think of a hippie I think of unwashed masses at Woodstock, I know I'm not that. But at the same time, I did have my baby at home by candlelight, I drive a Prius, I wear my baby rather than use a stroller, I also like granola. Do these things make me a hippie?
I guess if thinking rather than following the mainstream blindly makes me a hippie than maybe I now have an excuse to give up shaving. It would save me so much time in the shower! Or do hippie not shower either? Any ways, yes I think for myself. Yes, I have given the medical establishment the finger on occasion, like having my baby at home and refusing to follow their vaccination schedule. Yes I proudly drive a Prius. Yes, I wear my baby. Just call me Miss Granola Sunshine and maybe don't stand so close in case I decided to be a super hippie that day.

Friday, February 5, 2010

No longer waiting

Well it's been awhile since I blogged; that is because our daughter Audrey was born on Dec 17th! Motherhood is wonderful and exhausting. It's everything people tell you but so much more than you can ever image. It has been the hardest job I've ever had.

I don't think anything could have prepared me for motherhood. I would say that Audrey is a very spirited child. She has a strong will and looks like the both of us. I thought she would have looked more like one of us but she is a true mix.

We have had so much happen since Audrey was born. We've had a fire, a trip to the NICU, another 4 days in the local hospital, sewer issues, the list just goes on but strangely, just looking at Audrey makes it all worth it. I think I've worried that all the problems have meant Audrey is being short changed. That maybe the stresses we have been feeling have been bad for her but she is growing and seems happy.

I think the number one lesson I've learned in the last 7 weeks is that God is in control and giving over the control is the only way to survive the ride. I had to give into the pain during childbirth and I've had to trust that the "problems" are just small bumps in the road to whatever God has planned. I'm not sure how often I'll be able to blog now that Audrey is here but I'll share the adventure as often as I can manage.