The one about my birthday

I am turning 47 this year. I'm starting there because I don't want you to think I have feelings about aging. I'm aging wonderfully. I really can't complain about my aches and pains when I know I'm blessed to have seen this many years. I'm turning 47, and that is a fabulous thing. 

No, this post is about celebrating my birthday/not celebrating my birthday/feeling like I don't get celebrated at all. Maybe it is a function of age, but I also see people my age having massive blow-outs with friends, and I can literally count on my hand the number of people in my personal life that wish me a happy birthday each year and they are all family. I'm not talking about those pre-made Facebook wishes; I am talking about people who text me or see me and wish me a happy birthday. If people at work know my birthday, then they will also wish me a happy birthday.

Last year, I purposefully turned off my birthday on Facebook to see who actually knew it was my birthday. Yes, it was a trap for me to prove that people don't actually know me. I got a text from two people, one work birthday month twin and one from across the ocean. I still had a few Facebook birthday wishes since my mother made a post and actually, so did I. I forgot that Livewell, my gym, gives you a free smoothie if you go to the gym on your birthday so of course I have to post my birthday smoothie. But this isn't about Facebook wishes or texts. This is about celebration. I love my husband but he is the worst about celebrating anything. He doesn't do Valentine's day or anyone's birthday. Like he forgets everyone equally and I suspect most wives would say that about their husbands. There is a reason the husband running about at the last minute for birthday/Christmas/anniversary gifts is a trope. 

I think this is where a woman's friends come in. Someone in her circle makes sure to try and go for a celebration coffee or drink. That is what I haven't had for a long time. As I was turning 40, I decided that I would finally run a marathon. My thought was if I start my 40s with a marathon, then all of my birthdays in my 40s had to be better than that. So I did run a marathon in the Texas heat; it was over 90 degrees by the time I was done. I didn't think any birthday could be as bad as finishing a road marathon on black pavement but I was so wrong! 

 My worst birthday was my 45th. My dad was in the hospital somewhere between life and death. He wished me a happy birthday and told me he was ready to die if it was his time. I think I had over 100 Facebook wishes that year. My husband actually took me for rolled ice cream to celebrate my birthday since there was a shop not too far from the hospital. It is hard to think about yummy rolled ice-cream when your dad is on death's door. He came home a week later. Crisis averted, new birthday trauma level achieved. 

I am writing about the past to vomit it out once and for all. The "friends" who never called. The "friend" who took me for coffee only to leave me halfway through to go talk to a real friend of theirs. The "friend" who gave me a present months after my birthday but never actually wished me a happy birthday. 

Why the word vomit? Well, my life is so different today than one year ago. Since my last birthday, I feel like I actually have friends who care about me and who might actually celebrate me if given an opportunity. See, just about a month after my birthday, I joined the Pride Alliance of Lufkin (PAL). It is a group of people that I absolutely adore. I have since joined the board and even hold the distinction of founding member for my work as Treasurer. There are some long days of planning and executing, but much like my job, I love it, and seeing the impact in the community makes it all worth it. 

Back in January, I started my journey to join Zeta Phi Beta Sorority, Inc. I crossed at the end of February with six amazing sisters as a member of the ChoZen Seven. The love and sisterhood I feel each and every day is not really possible to describe in words. It is a glowy and spirit-filling kind of sisterhood. 

Honestly, both groups give me a sense of love and celebration that I haven't felt in years. So I'm turning my birthday back on Facebook, if I can figure it out (it was such a pain to figure out how to turn off). While maybe no one will call me or text me this year either, I feel like I have enough distance from my 45th birthday that I can risk that disappointment. My birthday is on a Tuesday this year and the weekend before my birthday, I'm in Virginia. While the majority of that trip is for work, I have actually scheduled myself a couple of days with my friend from college. A couple of days with a person who loves me despite all of my bullshit (and she knows all of it since we have been friends for almost 30 years) and time in the Blue Ridge Mountains. As I slide into my 50s, here is hoping I learn to celebrate myself since external celebrations are in short supply for most people.  May the lessons of the last 46 years not turn me bitter but help me be a better person.  So here's to turning 47!

Well more than one year later

 Wow, it is amazing how time flies when life is slapping you in the face.

Actually yes, life got down right awful right after my last post back at the end of April 2024.  My dad ended up in the hospital another two times in May 2024.  The first one was a fluke.  An infection that can happen with the intense surgery and recovery.  The second nearly killed him.

Without going to all of the details, I say this.  My dad was hours from septic shock when I rushed him to the ER.  Apparently, septic shock is a point of no return for most folks but my pig-headedness really did save him.  I was getting ready for work when I found him.  He was struggling to open his eyes and could not put a full sentence together.  Because he was still recovering from the Feb 2024 surgery, I had to rush him to the closest Baylor Scott and White ER, which for me was two hours away in College Station.  

Many things about that day went right and one thing that still haunts: my decision to go to College Station rather than travel the extra hour to his doctors in Temple.  It eventually meant he had to be life-flighted between hospitals.  College Station found his bladder had ruptured and he was septic.  They were not equipped for his care, so they wanted him sent to Temple.  The ambulance would be another four hours and they wanted to move him while he was stable to they decided to life flight him.  One of the hardest moments of my life was watching them load my daddy in that helicopter and then having to drive the hour by myself not knowing what I was going to find on the other end.  Knowing I was doing this by myself because my husband, mom, and girls were at home and had to drive three hours to meet me in Temple.  I still don't know what exactly held me together as I drove Texas back roads with tears running down my face and panic choking me.  

He was very touch-and-go for a few days.  It was bad enough that he was making final arrangements for himself.  It was bad.  It was made worse by the fact that it was also my 45th birthday.  Easily the worst birthday ever.

The rest of 2024 was spent running to Temple once a month for the rest of the year.  I report that by December he was really back on the mend and now he back to himself, like before the big surgery.

2024 ended with a bang!  My BlaxicanMMA turned 15!  As part of my dad's recovery, he wanted to celebrate her with a traditional Mexican quinceañera.  While not exactly all the way traditional, she did have a grand party and 100 or so folks joined us in celebrating this huge milestone.  One that BlaxicanMMA was now 15 but also that my dad was here to celebrate it with us.  Even my grandmother was there!  

Just when I started to relax, we got slapped again with my father-in-law having a stroke in January of this year.  Thankfully, hubby's brother recognized the signs and got him to the hospital before too much damage occured and I can report that he is almost like his old self again.

Now that isn't to say that the moms, mine and hubby's, haven't had their own health challenges in the last year but of course women are much less dramatic when it comes to such things.  Both moms have issues with their eyesight.  Issues that mean hubby and I have to make sure we get our yearly eye appointments in.  

Lastly, a quick update on my little bit, LalaWarriorPrincess.  She has started the viola and she loves it. 
She swept most of the academic awards for her grade this year.  She is still a joy and my heart in the world.  

I don't know how I would have survived 2024 without my husband and girls.  2025 has bucked just a bit but just last month hubby graduated with his Master of Education in Counseling!  He is waiting on some state tests before he can apply for his LPC-A but then he'll be continuing in his new career.  I am so proud of him!

That is the quick and dirtly update of the last 13 or so months.  This year I purposely pretended that I didn't not have a birthday and no one ended up in the hospital so while correlation does not equal causation, I probably won't be celebrating any birthdays in the future; I'll just magically be older.

Back Back Back again

 Way back on April 1st, I made my way back to Wiley.  When I left Wiley College, now Wiley University, despite all of the good work I knew I had done, I felt a bit like a failure.  I had worked so hard and now I was so tired.  I think a part of me thought that a good leader wouldn't have been so exhausted that they left.  I know now that isn't true but that was how I felt.  I loved Wiley and loved the team I was working with but I was so tired.

On top of being tired, I think I was searching for confirmation that the library was still my place.  I had been doing so much administrative duties that despite being the Director of Library Services, I didn't get to library much.  Part of that was also a lack of actual skill on my part.  I am a great educator, researcher, and librarian but my technical skills were rusty and really needed to be honed.  In the world of library technology I was about 10 years behind and while I knew I could make it work and stay on at Wiley one of the things I learned at Wiley was a love for HBCUs.  So what is the connection?  Well, I kept seeing that HBCUs (but as it turns out most colleges period) suffer from people staying in place too long.  I am a good librarian, better now for having gone to Panola, but in order to provide the best library service, I needed to grow my skill set.  So I found a mentor who was willing to teach me the latest in library technologies in the back-of-house area (technical services).  While I'm sure he would have mentored me without me joining him at Panola, I knew I needed to be somewhere different to try and feel less tired so I left Marshall and headed down to Carthage.

I learned so much at Panola.  My boss was a good mentor.  His leadership style was also very different from my own so I could see a different type of leadership in action.  I was lucky that I had another good boss to work with and another boss that I hated to leave but leave I did and returned to Wiley.

Before I completely gloss over my time at Panola; I really did learn a lot not only about being a librarian but about me as a person and leader.  I learned I don't like having time to myself.  I really like having a project to work on.  I learned I missed being a decision-maker at the big table.  I started my yoga teacher certification, which I had been wanting to do for years.  I learned that I wanted to be back in administration.  I learned that I want to be excellent and that for me being okay was not enough to keep me motivated.

So I'm back at Wiley.  While I think some would look at my time at Panola as a step backward, going from director to just librarian, I know they are wrong.  In order for an arrow to launch; it has to be pulled backward.  Right now, in my career, I have been launched forward.  I'm working hard. I feel behind.  I love it.