Fat Martha

I originally posted this on my tumblr but the more I thought about it I realized it belonged here. Why hide on tumblr? I've always been open and honest so here is another open and honest piece. So DH keeps getting on to me about calling myself fat. He tells me I’m beautiful. I believe he is telling the truth according to his view point. He asked why I still don’t believe it. So why don’t I believe I’m beautiful? Good question and here are some thoughts: 1. If I’m beautiful then why didn’t anyone look like me on tv? I would think as least one show would feature a lady that is beautiful like me instead of just skinny hags. 2. If DH could only see the kids I get when I’m not next to him. The looks of disgust on many a person’s face. The whispers about how dare I wear x or y. 3. My mom on my birthday this year called me fat. This is pretty much a weekly occurrence, in my childhood it was closer to daily. It is so fucking hard to take that voice out of your head. So I’m beautiful, okay. I know many realities exist at once. In DH’s reality I’m beautiful. In my mom’s reality, I’m fat. In my reality, I struggle. Just a side note, my mom is great. I love her dearly and most of the time being called fat is more of a term of endearment. Being Mexican being called "Gordita" means more like I see you and love you the way you are instead of just meaning Fatty (which is the literally translation of the word).

#Mamavation Monday: Emotional Eating

This weeks topic hits close to home. I eat my feelings. I feel great, time to eat. I feel sad, time to eat. I feel nothing, time to eat. I'm not sure why I connect eating with my feels so closely but I do. I try to exam my hunger and eating. I check in with myself. I feel like I should begin keeping a diary for why I eat. At this point in my life, I am noticing I eat when I'm bored. Instead of starting a project, I tend to sit and eat. I totally catch myself searching for food knowing I"m not hungry but bored. I'm trying to do other things, like read (which by the way I very rarely eat while doing this task). Is it any wonder my weight is over the top? Strangely since I started hanging with the Mamavation Sistas I've lost about three inches around my underbust area and about 2 around my waist. My weight on the other hand keeps going up. I have no clue what is going on with that! I took my first zumba-like class today. I had fun and I plan to continue with the classes. I play bass, I have birthed a black child, and I still can't find the flipping beat! Anyways that is my check-in for the week!

#Mamavation Monday: #2weekchallenge non-completer

So first of all I would like to give myself props for not calling myself a loser.  I am non-completer.  I did most of the 2week challenge.  The bur-pees and my lack of working out for almost 2 months did me in this round. 

I am still proud of the workout I did complete and I plan to keep a few in my regular rotation.  I'm also happy with the new format.  Week 1 was based on the plan for the challenging rotation from the last 2 week challenge.  I would have never tried it if it were not part of this challenge.  I was too afraid to try.  I was worried I couldn't handle it but I know I totally can.  I just need to take my time and get it done.

I hope to finish out the couple of workout I have left.  I am a non-completer but I still feel like I won since I challenged myself and finished each workout I started.  I'll get stronger and I'll keep at it.  I'm sure I'll be ready to kick the 2-week challenge in the nads next time.