Tuesday, January 20, 2015

The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Martha

So I see myself as the Stay-Puft Marshmallow man, you know from Ghostbusters.  Besides sounding crazy by admitting to this feeling, I find it also limits me in the things that I do.  I'm always afraid of taking too much room.  I worry about not having enough clearance to move around people.  This is become a painfully obvious problem in roller derby.

Roller derby requires that I am in tune with my body.  I have to know exactly where my hips are, my feet, my arms, like every part of me has to be in place or injuries and penalties will abound.  The problem is that I believe that my hips are huge.  I believe that my ass is so massive that I need extra clearance room.  If I give the room to my body that believe it needs then the jammer is going to get by me.  I'm going to try to block someone and they are going to skate right around me.  How do I move my brain past the feeling of being massive and into the reality of the situation?  The fact is I'm not that damn big!  I'm 5'4", about 230 lbs, and wear at size 14/16.  I'm just not Stay-Puft big!

I can't exactly put my finger on the when I got massive in my own mind.  Maybe it was the usually grade school teasing that made me balloon in my own head.  Being told I was super huge til the point that I believed it and made it my reality.  Just today I was walking from picking up lunch and some guy, like 20 or so, said "Hey I like your dress."  I totally ignored him.  I figured he was just trying to stop me long enough to make some joke at my expense.  What is he just liked my dress?  Anyways, at some point I will have to some to terms with my body in its real existence otherwise I'll never pass minimum skills.

Roller derby makes me see myself as strong.  Roller derby makes me push myself.  Can roller derby get me over my body image issues?  I guess only time will tell.  I can't do a proper hip check if I don't know where my hips are so I better get to knowing my body!

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