Monday, May 18, 2020

Quarantine Reflections

When we started this whole quarantine business back on March 16 or so, I had every intention of keeping a diary/blog a day thing and then reality set in pretty quick and here we are my first post since early February.  So what exactly happened to all of my plans?  Well honestly, I was going to write to celebrate my first half-marathon back on Feb 22nd and it was a whole different experience from my other races but here we are May 18th and no post on the half-marry.

I am one of those people that needs to feel inspired to write.  Even with a great topic, I need will, idea, time, and space to be in a magic blend to actually write anything so here we are May 18th, 2020 and I have the magical blend.  I've been working from home since March 20th.  I am not a stay at home mom.  I've been navigating the waters of working full-time from home while dealing with a 3-year-old that is thrilled I am home all the time so we can hang.  It has not been easy and yet I know I am in a privileged position.  I am working.  I still received a steady paycheck and have help from my parents and husband so that when I have meetings during the day/night whenever, I can find space to turn on Zoom and work.

Okay so I do want to mark what has happened.  I need to write down some reflections/diary entries so that much like my pregnancy with my oldest, I can go back and remember.  As a hard-core introvert, I have no actually struggled much with the being away from people but I am struggling with the being with people all the time.  I miss my commute.  I miss the time to think, to write, to reflect.  There are 6 of us here all the time.  It is hard to think.  So what have I been doing?  I've been running/walking/working out in my backyard.  I get up, dress out, and move.  I have basically cut a track in our backyard.  40 loops is a mile.  I'm working on cutting a slightly bigger loop.  Last week, I actually got a 10-mile run done, so like 400 or so loops!  Good thing I change direction every half mile or so.

There has been a blessing in all of this.  I have been able to spend time with Baby Lala.  I have been working long and hard since before she was born.  I was still bleeding when I went back to work.  I've been career focused or focused on getting my dad through cancer treatment and often times both.  I was selfish and took up running in order to survive the stress.  That didn't leave much time for being the mommy of a baby/toddler/preschooler.  Now I'm with her 24/7.  It is hard to balance everything so honestly I don't.  I'm either in mom-mode or in work-mode.  I move unbalanced and someday unhinged between these two worlds.  I have loved watching Lala mature and grow.  She has been teaching herself to read.  She is so strong-willed and strong physically.  She is a force to be reckoned with.  In short she is amazing and everything I would like to think I could have been if I had been born 2nd instead of 1st.

And there is time with GymGirl.  She is so grown up.  She is all of 10 but is going on 20 entirely too fast.  She is an artist, digital.  She creates.  She still has a laugh that lights up my world.  When she and Lala get going, I swear it is what angels in heaven must sound like. 

Yes, I'm ready to be back in my office.  Yes, I miss the days of being a hard-driving focused and ambitious career woman.  But for right now, I'm reminding myself to take the time to enjoy the total lack of balance in my life.  My girls will never be this little again.  Time march forward so quickly.  Normally I would have heard about Lala's adventures in potty training instead of being hands-on.  I would only have a couple of hours each day with my girls instead of spending only a few hours a day on work (well 8 hours but in chunks so it doesn't feel as heavy). 

It is funny, right before covid turned everything upside down, my husband had made the move to full-time podcasting so after almost a year of not seeing each other, we were finally back together everyday.  It was awkward at first.  It was like starting over again, learning to share the space again.  Quarantine has actually allowed us the time and space to get intimate again, not physically [well also physically] but intellectually.  It has been nice.

What have I lost in this time?  Well I did have a fellow colleague pass away due to covid.  I have missed working with my students.  I cried on what would have been their graduation day.  I miss running with my badass run partner.  I miss going to coffee with the 2 people who bother to give me time. 

Will I be different after this?  I hope so.  Hopefully more aware and appreciative of those around me.  You even know when life is going to turn upside down so you better look around, take a deep breath, and understand this moment will never be here again.  I'm making these the best moments of my life.  I pray you are well.  Maybe magic will happen again soon and I'll write more about my adventures in developing my covid routine!  Maybe not?  We'll see.

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