It is approximately 15 days since my 44th birthday. Not a single one of my "friends" has mentioned anything about maybe going to dinner to celebrate or a special non-Sunday run (we have a set Sunday 5K), or hell just a quick coffee Nothing. I got 2 text messages and 2 facebook birthday wall messages. Now I got more than that but I'm thinking of the people that I make and effort to see each week. The ones that when some shit goes down I hear about it.
I admit, I'm salty about it though less salty after 14 days. My saltiness started a bit before my birthday and really it started as hurt. Just geniunly upset about the lack of friends in my life that share their joy with me. I get to always hear their bad stuff. I understand I am a magnet for sadness. This is something that is a recurring theme in my life. Total strangers find me lay their burders down on me and walk off.
However, in the last couple of months, all of these "friends" of mine have been posting their fun with their actual friends after I had spend hours cleaning them up. I listen to their sadness and then suddenly they are out partying with other people. I'm tired of being used as a dumping ground for their sadness while being excluded from their joy.
I get the bad shit and everyone else gets the good shit. I listen to you crying but everyone else gets your laughter. You will literally plan someone else's birthday party infront of me, while telling me you would never take me out to dinner because you don't go out and do birthday stuff. Like, why do I speak to these people? We have tentative plans for my birthday and then you dissappear on a girls' trip without saying anything like plans with me for my birthday aren't shit. I don't matter to you so why am I constantly dropping other people who want to be my friends for these shitheads?
Basically I'm not. I haven't spoken to any of them since the run immediately after my birthday where one planned someone else's birthday party. None of them showed up for my daughter's 1st superfight. I had a co-worked from Wiley show up. Another co-worker/friend from Wiley sent a message that they couldn't make it because they had another obligation and they were sorry. These "friends" of mine all pretended like nothing was going on. No, sorry I can't make it. No, I'm out of town but. Nothing.
I'm working through the hurt and avoiding basically everyone because I know when I'm hurt I get toxic on everyone. I am challenging myself to cultivate other friendships. Like, I have people who are out of town who have sent money to my child for training, bought raffle ticktets, have come out to see her fight at an out of town event but the 3 people I though were like besties can't be bother.
I deserve to be celebrated. I deserve to the right to turn down a party. I actually have an acquaintance ask if she needed to throw me a party because it's not like I have been quite about this bothering me. I asked her not to because I knew nobody would show up. Like, how sad is it when you know that the people you call best friends would not bother to show to a party that all they had to do was show up to? While they fucking go to everyone else's fucking parties! Like change all of their plans to party with people they have told you aren't as good as friend as I am.
Since it is more than one person, I know it's me. I'm the problem; it's me. So I'm just not speaking to anyone. I got a lot more miles to run before I'm fit to be around people again. I will eventually speak to those people again because I do actually love them; they just hurt me deeply and for now I just can't.
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