Fucking Birthdays and celebrations or lack thereof

 It is approximately 15 days since my 44th birthday.  Not a single one of my "friends" has mentioned anything about maybe going to dinner to celebrate or a special non-Sunday run (we have a set Sunday 5K), or hell just a quick coffee  Nothing.  I got 2 text messages and 2 facebook birthday wall messages.  Now I got more than that but I'm thinking of the people that I make and effort to see each week.  The ones that when some shit goes down I hear about it.

I admit, I'm salty about it though less salty after 14 days.  My saltiness started a bit before my birthday and really it started as hurt.  Just geniunly upset about the lack of friends in my life that share their joy with me.  I get to always hear their bad stuff.  I understand I am a magnet for sadness.  This is something that is a recurring theme in my life.  Total strangers find me lay their burders down on me and walk off.  

However, in the last couple of months, all of these "friends" of mine have been posting their fun with their actual friends after I had spend hours cleaning them up.  I listen to their sadness and then suddenly they are out partying with other people.  I'm tired of being used as a dumping ground for their sadness while being excluded from their joy. 

I get the bad shit and everyone else gets the good shit.  I listen to you crying but everyone else gets your laughter.  You will literally plan someone else's birthday party infront of me, while telling me you would never take me out to dinner because you don't go out and do birthday stuff.  Like, why do I speak to these people?  We have tentative plans for my birthday and then you dissappear on a girls' trip without saying anything like plans with me for my birthday aren't shit.  I don't matter to you so why am I constantly dropping other people who want to be my friends for these shitheads?

Basically I'm not.  I haven't spoken to any of them since the run immediately after my birthday where one planned someone else's birthday party.  None of them showed up for my daughter's 1st superfight.  I had a co-worked from Wiley show up.  Another co-worker/friend from Wiley sent a message that they couldn't make it because they had another obligation and they were sorry.  These "friends" of mine all pretended like nothing was going on.  No, sorry I can't make it.  No, I'm out of town but.  Nothing.  

I'm working through the hurt and avoiding basically everyone because I know when I'm hurt I get toxic on everyone.  I am challenging myself to cultivate other friendships.  Like, I have people who are out of town who have sent money to my child for training, bought raffle ticktets, have come out to see her fight at an out of town event but the 3 people I though were like besties can't be bother.  

I deserve to be celebrated.  I deserve to the right to turn down a party.  I actually have an acquaintance ask if she needed to throw me a party because it's not like I have been quite about this bothering me.  I asked her not to because I knew nobody would show up.  Like, how sad is it when you know that the people you call best friends would not bother to show to a party that all they had to do was show up to?  While they fucking go to everyone else's fucking parties!  Like change all of their plans to party with people they have told you aren't as good as friend as I am.  

Since it is more than one person, I know it's me.  I'm the problem; it's me.  So I'm just not speaking to anyone.  I got a lot more miles to run before I'm fit to be around people again.  I will eventually speak to those people again because I do actually love them; they just hurt me deeply and for now I just can't.

A dream come true: The Killers

Way back when the world was simple say Februrary 2020, The Killers accounced a world tour for their Imploding the Mirage albun included on this tour was a stop in Houston.  I immediately jumped to make plans to attend.  Then as you know in March 2020 the world shut down.  I know we all had hopes that this was a couple of weeks things that lasted so much longer.  The tour was postponed to September 2022.  Again I started making my plans.  Budgeting and planning to take time off and then they postponed the show again.  

Okay shit happens.  Budgeting is still on point and the days off still work.  I buy the tickets.  My husband is going and one of my peeps is going.  We are all set for the March 25 2023.  I'm vibrating with excitment.  This concert is 3 years delayed.  They have released 2 more albums since Imploding the Mirage.  This is the going to be the best day ever and that morning I notice an email from the Toyota Center annoucing a postponement!  What the actual fuck!?  They had just played an amazing showing in Oklahoma on the 24th.  How are they postponing with less than 24 hrs notice?!

I was pissed but really I was disappointed.  I know life happens.  Brandon Flowers was sick and it sounded like he gave his all at the Oklahoma show.  Who wants to listen to a barely there Brandon?  So I get it.  I quickly changed the hotel reservation and that was that.  Only thing left to do was wait for May 14th.

When The Killers resumed the tour a couple days and posted pictures, I acutally cried.  The hurt was more profound than I had thought.  I really wanted to go and relax and be a fan instead of a mom for one day.  But I had hope my day would come and I would in fact be a fan instead of a mom for just a few hours.  About a week before the concert I did have a nightmare tha the concert had been postponed again and I immedately opened my app to see if the concert had been moved.

Sunday, I checked all of the socials, my email, the AXS app, and the Toyota Center app to just make sure the concert was still on.  At 1pm as we were getting ready to go to Houston, the bottom fell out of the sky.  Pouring rain, just pouring.  We got on the road at 1:30 but it was still coming down in sheets.  At one point my husband almost gave up and wanted to turn around but we kept moving forward.

Once we stopped to fill up in Livingston, the rain let up and the rest of the drive was relaxing.  My excitement building with each hour that ticked by.  We have a nice dinner and then checked into the hotel to relax.  Our hotel was across the way from the Toyota Center so we would not have to search for parking just walk over.  This became a hipcup since my husband's ankle decided to attack him and left him hobbled.  Still, he powered through and let me just run around as I pleased with him following many steps behind.

So we get to the Toyota Center and it is huge!  I had never been.  We walk past the merch table and the line was hella long.  We find our way to the escaltor so hubby would not have to take stairs.  We find our nose-bleed seats and we wait.  

The Lemon Twigs kicked off the night with an okay set.  They are young and the sound wasn't quite right so the set wasn't great.  I think as they get more clout their set will be better simply because the sound techs will actually care.  Cool that was at like 8 for a 7:30 show.  They finish about 8:30 and we wait.  I'm almost jumping out of my skin.  Is this really happening?  Will The Killers go on?

Just about at 9pm, the band doctor comes out.  I have an announcement.  "Unfortunately . . . "  Like the crowd went silent and was ready to pounce if this was anything other than a joke.  Finally, yes, the band can go on.  After a loud cheer, the crowd again goes silent in anticipation.

The band comes out and we heard the first fews notes of My Soul's Own Warning.  I let out a massive scream of joy and then proceed to sing every single song for the rest of the night.  Amazing show!  Like epic!  Easily the best concert I have ever very been too.  They were worth the wait and I can't wait to go seem them again.

I told my husband that it must have been like what an Elvis vegas show was like.  Brandon had complete control of the crowd.  We sang.  We danced in our seats.  We stood and danced.  It was amazing.  Like the whole night was one of the best nights of my life.  

If you get a chance to see them in concert go.  My husband was not really a fan.  My peep was also not a massive fan and even they had a blast.  I was on cloud night.  I'm still listening to the set list.  I created a Spotify playlist and I just have it on repeat.  I will never forget the joy of that night.  A dream being better than expected.  A payoff that makes you believe that good things come to those who wait.

What is a friend?

 So this is a theme for me especially since I moved back to Texas in 2009.  What does it mean to be a friend?  What does is mean to have a friend?

Honestly at the age of almost 44, I still don't really know.  I feel like I have never really used that concept correctly.  If you had asked me today how many friends do I have, my answer would be zero.  But I know that isn't true.  

Here is the thing, like what really makes someone your friend?  I have a friend who lives in California.  I love her.  She truly treats my girls like they are her nieces.  She calls to check on me.  But there is a physical distance that keeps us apart.

I like to think I have local friends but this is the rub, if I can go weeks without seeing them, weeks without them reaching out, never get invited to anything outside of the box I fill, are they my friends?  Maybe what I have are close acquaintances.  On top of that is the feeling of being unthether because I changed jobs in October.  So all of my work friends are gone.  My current space feels at times really hostile and at other times really inviting.  I really feel unbalanced.

Now back to the friendship thing.  I know the problem is me.  Like I have no doubt I'm the issue so if you consider yourself my friend and are really this, it isn't you, it really is me.  Why do I feel so alone and disconnected?  What does the fact that I have people I only see to work out with or people who use me as soundboard mean?  

I do not know the friends of my friends.  I do not get invited to anything outside of running/working-out or to listen to someone's issues.  I don't get invited to parties.  No one mentions going to events together as a group.  I do hear about all of the cool things after but there is not invitation to actually join.  I don't want to be in spaces where I'm not invited.  Again, a me issue.  I don't want to be told well you can come if you want.  Or worse yet, well it is open to everyone so you know you can just show up.  That is not a fucking invitation.  That is your space and if you wanted me there then you would say that, right?

I'm rambling but I'm struggling.  I haven't seen what I thought of as a friendly-face outside of my family and work in 3 weeks.  No telling when if I'll ever see anyone again unless I go begging people for their time.  I hate begging.  I hate having to reach out especially when I'm feeling so raw.