Well more than one year later

 Wow, it is amazing how time flies when life is slapping you in the face.

Actually yes, life got down right awful right after my last post back at the end of April 2024.  My dad ended up in the hospital another two times in May 2024.  The first one was a fluke.  An infection that can happen with the intense surgery and recovery.  The second nearly killed him.

Without going to all of the details, I say this.  My dad was hours from septic shock when I rushed him to the ER.  Apparently, septic shock is a point of no return for most folks but my pig-headedness really did save him.  I was getting ready for work when I found him.  He was struggling to open his eyes and could not put a full sentence together.  Because he was still recovering from the Feb 2024 surgery, I had to rush him to the closest Baylor Scott and White ER, which for me was two hours away in College Station.  

Many things about that day went right and one thing that still haunts: my decision to go to College Station rather than travel the extra hour to his doctors in Temple.  It eventually meant he had to be life-flighted between hospitals.  College Station found his bladder had ruptured and he was septic.  They were not equipped for his care, so they wanted him sent to Temple.  The ambulance would be another four hours and they wanted to move him while he was stable to they decided to life flight him.  One of the hardest moments of my life was watching them load my daddy in that helicopter and then having to drive the hour by myself not knowing what I was going to find on the other end.  Knowing I was doing this by myself because my husband, mom, and girls were at home and had to drive three hours to meet me in Temple.  I still don't know what exactly held me together as I drove Texas back roads with tears running down my face and panic choking me.  

He was very touch-and-go for a few days.  It was bad enough that he was making final arrangements for himself.  It was bad.  It was made worse by the fact that it was also my 45th birthday.  Easily the worst birthday ever.

The rest of 2024 was spent running to Temple once a month for the rest of the year.  I report that by December he was really back on the mend and now he back to himself, like before the big surgery.

2024 ended with a bang!  My BlaxicanMMA turned 15!  As part of my dad's recovery, he wanted to celebrate her with a traditional Mexican quinceañera.  While not exactly all the way traditional, she did have a grand party and 100 or so folks joined us in celebrating this huge milestone.  One that BlaxicanMMA was now 15 but also that my dad was here to celebrate it with us.  Even my grandmother was there!  

Just when I started to relax, we got slapped again with my father-in-law having a stroke in January of this year.  Thankfully, hubby's brother recognized the signs and got him to the hospital before too much damage occured and I can report that he is almost like his old self again.

Now that isn't to say that the moms, mine and hubby's, haven't had their own health challenges in the last year but of course women are much less dramatic when it comes to such things.  Both moms have issues with their eyesight.  Issues that mean hubby and I have to make sure we get our yearly eye appointments in.  

Lastly, a quick update on my little bit, LalaWarriorPrincess.  She has started the viola and she loves it. 
She swept most of the academic awards for her grade this year.  She is still a joy and my heart in the world.  

I don't know how I would have survived 2024 without my husband and girls.  2025 has bucked just a bit but just last month hubby graduated with his Master of Education in Counseling!  He is waiting on some state tests before he can apply for his LPC-A but then he'll be continuing in his new career.  I am so proud of him!

That is the quick and dirtly update of the last 13 or so months.  This year I purposely pretended that I didn't not have a birthday and no one ended up in the hospital so while correlation does not equal causation, I probably won't be celebrating any birthdays in the future; I'll just magically be older.

Back Back Back again

 Way back on April 1st, I made my way back to Wiley.  When I left Wiley College, now Wiley University, despite all of the good work I knew I had done, I felt a bit like a failure.  I had worked so hard and now I was so tired.  I think a part of me thought that a good leader wouldn't have been so exhausted that they left.  I know now that isn't true but that was how I felt.  I loved Wiley and loved the team I was working with but I was so tired.

On top of being tired, I think I was searching for confirmation that the library was still my place.  I had been doing so much administrative duties that despite being the Director of Library Services, I didn't get to library much.  Part of that was also a lack of actual skill on my part.  I am a great educator, researcher, and librarian but my technical skills were rusty and really needed to be honed.  In the world of library technology I was about 10 years behind and while I knew I could make it work and stay on at Wiley one of the things I learned at Wiley was a love for HBCUs.  So what is the connection?  Well, I kept seeing that HBCUs (but as it turns out most colleges period) suffer from people staying in place too long.  I am a good librarian, better now for having gone to Panola, but in order to provide the best library service, I needed to grow my skill set.  So I found a mentor who was willing to teach me the latest in library technologies in the back-of-house area (technical services).  While I'm sure he would have mentored me without me joining him at Panola, I knew I needed to be somewhere different to try and feel less tired so I left Marshall and headed down to Carthage.

I learned so much at Panola.  My boss was a good mentor.  His leadership style was also very different from my own so I could see a different type of leadership in action.  I was lucky that I had another good boss to work with and another boss that I hated to leave but leave I did and returned to Wiley.

Before I completely gloss over my time at Panola; I really did learn a lot not only about being a librarian but about me as a person and leader.  I learned I don't like having time to myself.  I really like having a project to work on.  I learned I missed being a decision-maker at the big table.  I started my yoga teacher certification, which I had been wanting to do for years.  I learned that I wanted to be back in administration.  I learned that I want to be excellent and that for me being okay was not enough to keep me motivated.

So I'm back at Wiley.  While I think some would look at my time at Panola as a step backward, going from director to just librarian, I know they are wrong.  In order for an arrow to launch; it has to be pulled backward.  Right now, in my career, I have been launched forward.  I'm working hard. I feel behind.  I love it.  

Your Love and Your Absence Feel the Same

 I'm not much of a poet but also I have words that need to go somewhere so here they are.

Today I realized that your love and your absence feel the same.

You let me chase you.

You force me to chase you for a crumbs of attention.

You like it.

You get off on being the object of my love.

I chase.

I chase.

I give.

I sacrifice.

You take.

You take.

You refuse.

I chase.

I give more.

You take more.

You ghost me.

I chase harder.

I give more.

Except, you forgot I don't need you.

I have me and mine.

You were extra.

So when I stopped, I didn't notice your absence.

I noticed my freedom.

I could breathe again.  

I guess you haven't noticed I stopped.

Honestly, it hurt to stop because if I stopped I had to see that I was running from myself.

So I'm not mad.

We're good.

Your love and your absence feel the same.

I choose me.  

I choose mine.

The door is open to you but I'm not holding my breath anymore.

Hello Darkness my old friend

 There are moments in life that you cement in your memory.  Holding your baby for the 1st time.  Walking across the stage for your doctorate.  Your dad tells you he has cancer.  5 years ago, almost 6 now, my dad started a colon cancer journey that would see him nearly die twice and undergo 3 separate surgeries; each surgery literally taking a piece of him.  

On January 18th, as I was getting ready for work, my dad stopped me and asked me to contact his cancer doctor; he thought his cancer was back.  I stayed visibly calm, said I would take care of it, and then went to my room to cry.  I took a moment or two and then I dried my eyes and contacted the doctor.

We had an appointment for the next week, about a 5-day wait.  We saw the doctor, got a series of appts, and got sent home.  Honestly, I don't think the doctor quite believed my dad about his symptoms.  Then two days later, my dad tells my mom he needs to go to the ER, everything is worse.  They decided to wait until Friday, Jan 26, since I don't work Fridays, so I could go with him and advocate.  That was the last day my dad was in Lufkin.  He has been in Temple ever since and we don't know when he will come home.

He had major abdominal surgery on Feb 15th.  A surgery scheduled for 6 hrs took 18 and landed my dad in the ICU.  That was a hard day, just waiting and waiting.  We were told around 7pm that it would be a few more hours due to an accident during surgery. The accident took 6 hrs to repair and then he had 3 more hours of surgery to complete the fix.  The good news: no cancer!  The bad news: lots of complications.

I got to stay with my dad while he was in the ICU.  I was so worn out by the night before waiting on him to come out of surgery that I actually slept on that tiny guest bed and even slept through the midnight blood draws.  We had to leave Temple for a BJJ tournament on Saturday and I got to see my dad that morning before leaving.  I got to see him get out of bed!  

He has not had an easy time of it this time.  The previous 3 surgeries, he was out of the hospital in 3 days.  This time we are about to be at 7 days and he still can't eat.  They won't release him until he is eating.  He can't eat because his intestine isn't awake yet.  He ran a fever two nights ago and yesterday they placed some tubes into his kidneys.  We are playing the waiting game.  

Yesterday, I was working on something at my desk and decided to check-in on my dad.  I happened to call while a nurse was in the room informing him of the procedure to insert the tubes into his kidneys.  The interesting thing was that as I was listening in, "Pressure Machine" (the song not the album) by The Killers was playing.  This is a pressure machine.  Will I pop or can I hold on long enough to welcome my dad home?

Below is my Facebook status from Sunday, Feb 18:

I'm sitting outside trying to get some sunshine therapy. To say these past 5 days have been hard would be an understatement.

Seeing my dad on a ventilator, watching the agony on his face waiting for the breathing tube to be removed, and then watching the excruciating pain he went through standing for the 1st time post surgery.

I thought I was ready for this past Wednesday. We knew it could be a long day. We knew it could be more difficult than expected but how do you prepare for a surgery that is scheduled for 6 hrs but goes for 18? All we wanted was for a 100% robotic surgery and when they opened him up completely, the devastation was almost overwhelming.

Instead of bringing my dad home today like we had hoped and prayed for, I left Temple yesterday with zero idea of when he is coming home.

There were bright spots. Moments with Ray and the girls but it is hard.

It is hard to balance the little girl who wants to be with her daddy with the woman who has to go to work and run a household while adding in the requirements of managing my dad's health from afar.

I can really feel the pressure when it comes back after a break. Watching Audrey yesterday and focusing down to just being Audrey's mom was a welcomed respite. We walked the Comerica Center laughing and celebrating that I forgot I had left my dad then on the way home I realized I had no idea when I would see my dad again.

While I was sitting in the ICU with my dad there was a young mother in the next room and her 4-year-old kept running and screaming in the hallway. While I question the parenting of allowing such a young child into the ICU, I also understand the needs of that baby. He just wanted his mommy. I hope his mom makes it out of the ICU and back home. I pray for all of the shell-shocked families I saw in the ICU.

For now, my dad is waiting on his body to come back to life. His intestine has been traumatized for the 4th time and the very complicated surgery has made it hard for it to wake up. The doctor said this is normal. Don't worry, yet. This is normal, just give it time. So from 3 hours away, I wait with my phone by my side.

Blaxicanmma is #3! She's #3!

 So I started last year with a commitment to run to help myself get through Blaxican's first year on the BJJ competitive team.  Let me tell you it was quite the year!

To the title:  she finished her Point Muay Thai season as the number 3 fighter in the girls' division behind 2 California girls.  She's number 3 out of PMT girls in both California and Texas.  It is incredible

In BJJ, she became an AGF tri-state champion by winning at Oklahoma State in March, Texas State in October, and Louisiana State back in Dec of 2022.  She also brought home a few golds from a few other competitions.  Probably her hardest-fought medal was a bronze she won at JJWL in Feb of last year.  

All of this while dealing with pain levels of 3 or higher since the end of March.  She is a fighter in every sense of the word.  At Texas State just before her challenger round, she was outside doubled over in pain.  She was at about a 6.  She went in and rolled a very good orange belt and while she lost, she barely lost.  

She also had her first super fight!  She lost to a very strong and lovely competitor.  We really enjoy it when she gets to roll against someone better than her because that is when we see her growing the most.

We are still trying to learn the ropes of raising a fighter.  The bills are beginning to outstrip our income and so we really need to find some sponsors for her but it is a challenge.  We don't want to make fighting her life at this point.  We want her to enjoy it before it becomes the thing she has to do.

To the pain: we have been in and out of doctors' offices.  We thought we had a cause that required surgery.  Had the surgery and we found out that the cause was less clear than we thought.  She does seem to be in less pain and she already has a full February so she is trying to quickly recover and get back out there.  She won't be cleared for contact for another week but then she'll have to hit the mat because IKF is Feb 10 then JJWL the next weekend.  

As much as I want to run a few races, it seems all of Blaxicanmma's events are on race weekends.  Obviously, I'm not going to pull her out of an event for me to run.  I'm never going to go pro as a runner but she really and truly can go pro in these combat sports she loves.  It is scary to watch her fight.  I hate seeing her take hits but she loves it and she's good at it so I just run and keep trying to raise money to pay the bills.  If you know of a business that would like to sponsor Blaxicanmma send them my way!

Blaxican's year:

Feb - JJWL - 3rd place

Feb - IKF - Lost an exhibition fight

Mar - Oklahoma State - 1st in her division, no place in Challenger

April - JJWL - 1st place

May - Chick-Jitsu superfight - lost

June - AGF Bossier City - 2 golds

July - Hard Spar exhibition

September - AGF Houston - 2nd place

October - IFK 3 fights: 2 wins, 1 loss

October - Texas State - 1 Gold, 1 Silver

November - IKF 2 wins

December - Earned her Grey/Black belt

All is Forgiven by Lilli Lewis

 So let me start with I know Lilli Lewis.  My daughters call her Aunt Lilli so if you are like well Martha can't be impartial then that may be true, but I challenge you to go and listen to the album and then come at me.

Where do I start with Lilli Lewis's new release?  Do I start with the song that I love most? song that makes me dance?  song that makes me question life? I'll go down the song list!

I lied so general feeling first.  I love this album and not just because I've watched Lilli workshop some of these songs over the last year.  I'll be honest there is a track that does not make sense to me for this album but man do I love Lilli's voice.  I am always on pins and needles when I know Lilli is about to release something new into the world.  One, I love Lilli as a human, as an auntie to my girls, as a soul sister to my husband, the list goes on.  Two, because I love Lilli's music, I want others to love Lilli's music.  I want the world to be on fire for her because her music moves my soul.  I'll tell you the thing that worries me about the rest of the world finding Lilli is I don't want to hear covers of her music.  I want Lilli's voice only.  Light (O, Let Your Light Shine) has been covered, and the first time I heard it I was offended.  Like that is my song who in the world had the gaul to sing it!?  Anyways, it's an okay cover.

But to All Is Forgiven, the album is well worth your listen.  Like most of Lilli's music, you can enjoy it without listening hard to the lyrics but if you take the time to listen and really hear the lyrics you are in for a soul punch.  Lilli really likes to bring you in for a hug and then whisper in your ear, "Was that action really an act of radical decency or are you being an asshole?"  The funny thing is since she punches your soul in the midst of the hug, you are able to take it for what she is giving which is love.  When so many people are demanding you be kind, Lilli asks are you decent to yourself and others?  Why the difference?  Lilli believes in accountability!

So starting with Sin Eater, she wants you to not be an asshole.  Like I'll give and you take but don't think I don't see you taking more than you should.  To me, all of the kindness is life rhetoric implies taking shit.  Radical decency gives you permission to call out bs.  Also, the tuba/sousaphone if you don't bop to this then I don't even want to speak to you, like for real.

Happy Enough is a song I know from Lilli's The Shiz days.  I did not know she was bringing to this album.  I was shocked and at first, I didn't like it.  I mean where is Liz's voice?  The song feels different but in a good way.  The Shiz's version felt like a challenge.  The Shiz version with Liz on lead vocal is more like Liz was in your face and if answered wrong there was going to be a fight.  Lilli's version is more fun, and less dangerous.  It may be the mellowing of all of us, Lilli, Liz, and myself, all being in our 40s so rather than the need to fight, it is now an acceptance that if I'm not happy enough for you well that is your problem, not mine.

The title track, All is Forgiven, is the best throwback to the 80s.  This needs to be the theme song to a great family sitcom.  I can see Steve Winwood with some amazing backup singers just getting down to this.  Then Whitney Houston would cover it for a retro-film.  Anyway, the point is I like it and it reminds me of the 80s.

Lilli's Just One Ride is a heartbreaker.  I first heard it about a year ago when she was workshopping it.  My immediate thought was this belongs on Grey's Anatomy.  But very specifically over a scene where Dr. Callie Torres (played by Sara Ramirez) finally finds her own voice and takes charge of her life.  I don't know if that scene exists but it should and this song should play over it.  I pray that more people fall in love with Just One Ride.  

If You Really Mattered is a call to action.  It sounds melancholy but again, if you want to be melancholy you 100% can or you can listen to the lyrics and get off your ass.  This is a reminder that we have to practice radical decency with ourselves.  Hold ourselves accountable to be amazing humans with gifts and talents meant to be shared not hidden.  This is Lilli looking at you and telling you, "You are amazing and you are here to do amazing shit.  Get off your ass.  I see you!  I see you sitting!  GET OFF YOUR ASS!"  But in a soft tune so you don't even realize she is kicking you in the ass.

I think Possible is the part II to If You Really Mattered.  "To Trust You Back"  Just that line.  Can you trust yourself?  See accountability!  Get off your ass.  Stop listening to those assholes, you are amazing!

Okay and then you are lead into what feels like an oddball off the wall, WTF in Ciel Eternel.  Don't get me wrong it is beautiful.  If you don't know the ability of Lilli's voice, this shows it off beautifully but what is she saying?  I don't speak French so I don't know.  But it is pretty.

If you make it this far in this blog and the album then you know that you are going back into hell; you are being called back to radical decency.  Drink This Water Child is another slow song with deep lyrics.  Lilli often sings of water and uses water as a metaphor.  I wish she had punched up the vocals because they feel hidden behind the music.  The water is deep and I feel like I don't get the lyrical punch because I struggle to hear the actual words.  

The ending track is a piano-forward song named Firefly.  This feels like a southern porch in the middle of a hot summer night when you are having deep conversations with your best friend.  You are watching the fireflies and realizing that you are the light that this world needs but it is hot and late so you are just going to sit, talk, and drink some sweet tea.  It is a call to action and a reminder to move with intention so that the heat doesn't overwhelm you, no wasted energy.

So that is All Is Forgiven the new album by Lilli Lewis.  She is a profound music writer.  She can take a simple message, practice radical decency, and make it pretty or loud so that it is accessible to everyone.  Listen to it.  Tell me I'm full of it.  I am not a profound writer.  I am not a profound music critic.  This music I like.  I think you might like it too.

Open Letter to Brandon Flowers of The Killers

 So I don’t know Brandon and have zero expectation that he’ll read this but it is on my heart so here goes:

Dear Brandon, hope it’s cool I address you so informally.  

So it hurts my heart to hear you have scrapped the new album.  "boy" and "Your Side of Town" are the start of a fun record but I get not feeling it.  As one of your fans who despised Pressure Machine, it really hurts my heart you want to do more music like that.  See it was done well but you did it at the height of lockdown and well it is depressing as fuck.  I can almost love some of the tracks from the abridged version.  "Runaway Horses" live just spoke to me in a way that it didn’t just listening to it on the album but actually that isn’t the point of this letter.

To the point: sir, you mention not wanting to be the “Somebody Told Me” guy.  I totally get that.  The song hit 20 years ago.  You aren’t that guy anymore but see here is the thing, we aren’t the same kids who fell in love with that song as it hit either.  Believe it or not, we have grown and aged with you.  We are in our 40s too!  We are parents.  We are married.  We have lived through some shit same as you.  

You are smart.  This is something you already know so back to finding the point here.  We have matured and we understand you and your music has to too.  While I am probably never going to listen to all of Pressure Machine again, I understand where it came from.  But you aren’t just the Hot Fuss guy.  The Killers are more than a few hits, for your fans The Killers are old memories and new memories.

Sometimes I do escape into Hot Fuss.  I remember listening to it when it first hit and then everything since.  To this day, Sam’s Town is my go to for study time because it was all I listened to as I worked on my Masters of Ed.  My doctorate application is Battle Born.  I still remember having a complete crying fit in the local coffeeshop listening to "Runaways."  My actual studies are your solo album, Flamingo.  I will never be able to think of the 2020 election week without hearing "Imploding the Mirage" in my mind.  Every time the news mentioned the implosion of the red wave, I could hear your voice holding Mirage.  Your voice has colored my life for the last 20 years.

So what is my ask?  Release new songs that show us you as the man you are today.  Even if that place is dark and uncomfortable because at times we are dark and uncomfortable too.  Show us how to survive the rough parts of our marriages.  Talk to us about raising boys.  Sing to us about your crumbling illusions of life and the joys of creating yourself into something new.

Why?  Because we are living those phases too.  Way back on Battle Born, you had a song “The Way it Was” and you talk about wanting to go back.  The new life you have isn’t what you wanted and you want to go back to the way it was.  I have always had a love/hate relationship with that song.  Yes, the beginning of a romance is beautiful but so is the middle and growing with someone.  That is what you are asking from us, to let go of the way it was and meet you here and now.  So let us meet you here and now.

Please tour smaller venues where we can see the whites of your eyes. Play in places where Ronny’s sweat will get all over us.  Be close to us and see that yes, we have all changed and honestly it is for the better.

Brandon, darling, you are in middle life.  It’s cool.  I am having hot flashes as I write.  We have both aged.  Now is the time to work on ourselves, to work at being parents and good life partners.  Now is the time to leave the literal arena for the metaphorical arena of middle age.  Listen to Brene Brown.  She has some fabulous thoughts on middle age.  Please don’t kill The Killers.  Let The Killers evolve and age.  Your true victims will be there to listen.

Signed a middle age fan girl from Texas

Music is life so when . . .

Music is life so when a friendship ends, the soundtrack of that friendship leaves me with songs I can't listen to for a while.  The fresh ending of what I thought was a friendship but since I can be so easily removed tells me that I was probably closer to a therapist than a friend means I have a whole new list of songs that hurt to listen to.  While the wound on my soul is no longer bleeding, it is not yet a scar so listening to certain songs is akin to picking the scab off a cut.

If you actually know me then you have heard me sing.  Choirs, band, concerts and any variation there in will illicit singing from me.  If you have heard me sing a made-up on the spot song then you are part of my inner circle or witnessed one of the few times I was comfortable enough to just sing whatever.  Catch me in at the right time and you can hear me singing about inventory, shelf shifting, making bread, walking down the hallway, or whatever the hell I'm doing to whatever tune comes to mind.  The point is music is life.

So with music basically being my love language, people get a song assigned to them in my mind.  I lierally created a presentation for one of my doctoral classes where I took pictures of my cohort members with songs that remind me of them; I got a good grade.  I think there are 2 songs that really capture what I'm trying to say: Trisha Yearwood's The Song Remembers When and Neon Tree's Songs I Can't Listen To.  Moments and people cemented with sing.  (Both great songs so go give them a listen.) The concert we went to.  The concerts we played.  The song that we sung while driving down the road.  The song that was playing when we were skating, running, walking, laughing. Songs now prune-y in sorrow and tears, sometimes metaphorical and sometimes literal.  

It isn't your fault I can't listen to them.  Honestly by in large, it isn't your fault my heart is broken.  I know I'll heal and I'll be able to listen to them again and smile at the memories. I'm not there yet.

One day, like the other day when That's Not My Name came on, I'll smile and sing at the top of my lungs and whoever is with me will hear me say "Hey, that songs always reminds me of so and so."  That's Not My Name no longer belongs to Soul Sister.  I have claimed it back and now it belongs to me and my memories of learning to play it and performing it.  The song helps me smile when I think back on those days but it did take years.  

I know the songs will be mine again.  The muzak version will no longer stop me and feel like a gut punch.  I know healing is around the corner but I'm not there yet.

The Invitations that never came

 So we are about 20 days after by birthday and I'm still all pruney in the hurt.  So I took some deep breaths and tried to work my mind through the hurt.  I need to find the base otherwise I'll stay stuck in the moment.  

A couple of days ago, a former student and now Facebook friend posted a graphic about getting okay with the invitation that never come and understanding that you were never part of their plans.  It resonated with me immediately.  This whole birthday thing really reminds me that these friends of mine aren't actually my friends but somewhat close acquaintances that I forgot were acquaintances.  I have to remember that not everyone who calls you a friend actually means it.

So this is not a new lesson.  Yesterday, I was almost on the other side of the hurt and then I saw a fucking video.  Oh, so you are back in town.  Then a post, oh so you are making big plans.  To her credit, the other one is keeping her plans secret as they seem to involve a secret so at least I don't have to see it yet.  Anyways, my feels got all hurt again.  So that leads to this morning; why am I still so in this hurt?  Why can't I let go of the rope that is clearly cutting my hands?

The NPR station started going in and out, which I hate, so I turned on my Bluetooth and basically played playlist roulette.  I couldn't remember what I had been listening to the last time I was listening to Spotify so it could be anything.  This is of course when the universe steps in: Cycles by Jonathan McReynolds featuring DOE.  If you don't know the song, it is a Christian song reminding us we have to break the bad cycles in our life.  We continue to repeat them unless we acknowledge them.  

Okay universe, let's turn inward and really dig.  What is bothering me?  Seriously, it's not like this is the first time "friends" have been asshats to me.  What is my issue?  My 44th birthday, really?!  A little deep breathing and boom: being in elementary school and not being invited to birthday parties but hearing all about how much fun they had the previous weekend.  Concerts my college "friends" would go to and tell me about it afterward.  The trips my work "friends" would go on during the summer and I would get to hear about later.  The invitations that never came.  

It is less that I'm not invited but that I'm forgotten or really my feelings disregarded. I understand why I didn't get invited to the parties, my parents treated us like my brothers and I were triples so you weren't just inviting me, you were inviting the whole family.  I get it, I didn't know the band or have the money for the concert and the car was full.  We aren't trip-taking friends just folks that work together.  So I do understand I don't count in those situations; why consider my feelings?  I'm not a consideration at all.  That doesn't mean it didn't hurt my feelings or that it wasn't until that moment that I hadn't realized I didn't have friends.  

So the hurt isn't 44-year-old Martha but 8-year-old Martha and 20-year-old Martha and 30-year-old Martha.  I keep letting myself get hurt and the worst part is I court it!  One of these "friends" once told me that he was going to join me at a drag show but then decided I wasn't the drive or effort so he didn't bother.  I still speak to this person.  Y'all why am I allowing myself to be hurt by someone who so obviously do not care about me?  He has his head so far up his own ass that this isn't a special statement about forgetting me, it is just who he is.  The one "friend" I have known the longest has always dropped me faster than fast whenever she gets a "better" offer.  The newest of these "friends" is just a workout partner.  I have to remember that she will never be more than that so why am I placing any blame at her feet?  The sharing ends at the end of the run, period.  When I had that straight in my mind, everything was cool.

So I am feeling better as I write this.  Finding the root of the hurt and finally putting everyone in their place in my life is what I needed to do back on May 28th.  I wasted a lot of energy on being hurt.  How do I fix this nasty pattern?  That is a much longer project and currently, I have no plan.  The easy flippant answer is to say I'll never speak to those people again and find actual friends but I know that this is a strong life pattern rooted deep inside of me.  I'll just do it all over again and again.  Pattern breaking is so much hard work but I know I'm worth my effort so step one: recognize the pattern.  Step two, I'm not sure yet.

Fucking Birthdays and celebrations or lack thereof

 It is approximately 15 days since my 44th birthday.  Not a single one of my "friends" has mentioned anything about maybe going to dinner to celebrate or a special non-Sunday run (we have a set Sunday 5K), or hell just a quick coffee  Nothing.  I got 2 text messages and 2 facebook birthday wall messages.  Now I got more than that but I'm thinking of the people that I make and effort to see each week.  The ones that when some shit goes down I hear about it.

I admit, I'm salty about it though less salty after 14 days.  My saltiness started a bit before my birthday and really it started as hurt.  Just geniunly upset about the lack of friends in my life that share their joy with me.  I get to always hear their bad stuff.  I understand I am a magnet for sadness.  This is something that is a recurring theme in my life.  Total strangers find me lay their burders down on me and walk off.  

However, in the last couple of months, all of these "friends" of mine have been posting their fun with their actual friends after I had spend hours cleaning them up.  I listen to their sadness and then suddenly they are out partying with other people.  I'm tired of being used as a dumping ground for their sadness while being excluded from their joy. 

I get the bad shit and everyone else gets the good shit.  I listen to you crying but everyone else gets your laughter.  You will literally plan someone else's birthday party infront of me, while telling me you would never take me out to dinner because you don't go out and do birthday stuff.  Like, why do I speak to these people?  We have tentative plans for my birthday and then you dissappear on a girls' trip without saying anything like plans with me for my birthday aren't shit.  I don't matter to you so why am I constantly dropping other people who want to be my friends for these shitheads?

Basically I'm not.  I haven't spoken to any of them since the run immediately after my birthday where one planned someone else's birthday party.  None of them showed up for my daughter's 1st superfight.  I had a co-worked from Wiley show up.  Another co-worker/friend from Wiley sent a message that they couldn't make it because they had another obligation and they were sorry.  These "friends" of mine all pretended like nothing was going on.  No, sorry I can't make it.  No, I'm out of town but.  Nothing.  

I'm working through the hurt and avoiding basically everyone because I know when I'm hurt I get toxic on everyone.  I am challenging myself to cultivate other friendships.  Like, I have people who are out of town who have sent money to my child for training, bought raffle ticktets, have come out to see her fight at an out of town event but the 3 people I though were like besties can't be bother.  

I deserve to be celebrated.  I deserve to the right to turn down a party.  I actually have an acquaintance ask if she needed to throw me a party because it's not like I have been quite about this bothering me.  I asked her not to because I knew nobody would show up.  Like, how sad is it when you know that the people you call best friends would not bother to show to a party that all they had to do was show up to?  While they fucking go to everyone else's fucking parties!  Like change all of their plans to party with people they have told you aren't as good as friend as I am.  

Since it is more than one person, I know it's me.  I'm the problem; it's me.  So I'm just not speaking to anyone.  I got a lot more miles to run before I'm fit to be around people again.  I will eventually speak to those people again because I do actually love them; they just hurt me deeply and for now I just can't.

A dream come true: The Killers

Way back when the world was simple say Februrary 2020, The Killers accounced a world tour for their Imploding the Mirage albun included on this tour was a stop in Houston.  I immediately jumped to make plans to attend.  Then as you know in March 2020 the world shut down.  I know we all had hopes that this was a couple of weeks things that lasted so much longer.  The tour was postponed to September 2022.  Again I started making my plans.  Budgeting and planning to take time off and then they postponed the show again.  

Okay shit happens.  Budgeting is still on point and the days off still work.  I buy the tickets.  My husband is going and one of my peeps is going.  We are all set for the March 25 2023.  I'm vibrating with excitment.  This concert is 3 years delayed.  They have released 2 more albums since Imploding the Mirage.  This is the going to be the best day ever and that morning I notice an email from the Toyota Center annoucing a postponement!  What the actual fuck!?  They had just played an amazing showing in Oklahoma on the 24th.  How are they postponing with less than 24 hrs notice?!

I was pissed but really I was disappointed.  I know life happens.  Brandon Flowers was sick and it sounded like he gave his all at the Oklahoma show.  Who wants to listen to a barely there Brandon?  So I get it.  I quickly changed the hotel reservation and that was that.  Only thing left to do was wait for May 14th.

When The Killers resumed the tour a couple days and posted pictures, I acutally cried.  The hurt was more profound than I had thought.  I really wanted to go and relax and be a fan instead of a mom for one day.  But I had hope my day would come and I would in fact be a fan instead of a mom for just a few hours.  About a week before the concert I did have a nightmare tha the concert had been postponed again and I immedately opened my app to see if the concert had been moved.

Sunday, I checked all of the socials, my email, the AXS app, and the Toyota Center app to just make sure the concert was still on.  At 1pm as we were getting ready to go to Houston, the bottom fell out of the sky.  Pouring rain, just pouring.  We got on the road at 1:30 but it was still coming down in sheets.  At one point my husband almost gave up and wanted to turn around but we kept moving forward.

Once we stopped to fill up in Livingston, the rain let up and the rest of the drive was relaxing.  My excitement building with each hour that ticked by.  We have a nice dinner and then checked into the hotel to relax.  Our hotel was across the way from the Toyota Center so we would not have to search for parking just walk over.  This became a hipcup since my husband's ankle decided to attack him and left him hobbled.  Still, he powered through and let me just run around as I pleased with him following many steps behind.

So we get to the Toyota Center and it is huge!  I had never been.  We walk past the merch table and the line was hella long.  We find our way to the escaltor so hubby would not have to take stairs.  We find our nose-bleed seats and we wait.  

The Lemon Twigs kicked off the night with an okay set.  They are young and the sound wasn't quite right so the set wasn't great.  I think as they get more clout their set will be better simply because the sound techs will actually care.  Cool that was at like 8 for a 7:30 show.  They finish about 8:30 and we wait.  I'm almost jumping out of my skin.  Is this really happening?  Will The Killers go on?

Just about at 9pm, the band doctor comes out.  I have an announcement.  "Unfortunately . . . "  Like the crowd went silent and was ready to pounce if this was anything other than a joke.  Finally, yes, the band can go on.  After a loud cheer, the crowd again goes silent in anticipation.

The band comes out and we heard the first fews notes of My Soul's Own Warning.  I let out a massive scream of joy and then proceed to sing every single song for the rest of the night.  Amazing show!  Like epic!  Easily the best concert I have ever very been too.  They were worth the wait and I can't wait to go seem them again.

I told my husband that it must have been like what an Elvis vegas show was like.  Brandon had complete control of the crowd.  We sang.  We danced in our seats.  We stood and danced.  It was amazing.  Like the whole night was one of the best nights of my life.  

If you get a chance to see them in concert go.  My husband was not really a fan.  My peep was also not a massive fan and even they had a blast.  I was on cloud night.  I'm still listening to the set list.  I created a Spotify playlist and I just have it on repeat.  I will never forget the joy of that night.  A dream being better than expected.  A payoff that makes you believe that good things come to those who wait.

What is a friend?

 So this is a theme for me especially since I moved back to Texas in 2009.  What does it mean to be a friend?  What does is mean to have a friend?

Honestly at the age of almost 44, I still don't really know.  I feel like I have never really used that concept correctly.  If you had asked me today how many friends do I have, my answer would be zero.  But I know that isn't true.  

Here is the thing, like what really makes someone your friend?  I have a friend who lives in California.  I love her.  She truly treats my girls like they are her nieces.  She calls to check on me.  But there is a physical distance that keeps us apart.

I like to think I have local friends but this is the rub, if I can go weeks without seeing them, weeks without them reaching out, never get invited to anything outside of the box I fill, are they my friends?  Maybe what I have are close acquaintances.  On top of that is the feeling of being unthether because I changed jobs in October.  So all of my work friends are gone.  My current space feels at times really hostile and at other times really inviting.  I really feel unbalanced.

Now back to the friendship thing.  I know the problem is me.  Like I have no doubt I'm the issue so if you consider yourself my friend and are really this, it isn't you, it really is me.  Why do I feel so alone and disconnected?  What does the fact that I have people I only see to work out with or people who use me as soundboard mean?  

I do not know the friends of my friends.  I do not get invited to anything outside of running/working-out or to listen to someone's issues.  I don't get invited to parties.  No one mentions going to events together as a group.  I do hear about all of the cool things after but there is not invitation to actually join.  I don't want to be in spaces where I'm not invited.  Again, a me issue.  I don't want to be told well you can come if you want.  Or worse yet, well it is open to everyone so you know you can just show up.  That is not a fucking invitation.  That is your space and if you wanted me there then you would say that, right?

I'm rambling but I'm struggling.  I haven't seen what I thought of as a friendly-face outside of my family and work in 3 weeks.  No telling when if I'll ever see anyone again unless I go begging people for their time.  I hate begging.  I hate having to reach out especially when I'm feeling so raw.

Finding my running mojo: The Rise of Blaxican MMA

 As is often the case this blog post started from a conversation.  I was having a conversation with a friend about his goals for the year and he mentioned that not everyone does things with a goal in mind, implying I never do anything without a goal.  He pointed out that I run for races.  Now I have been saying that I haven't been running much because I needed a goal/race but that isn't really the issue.

So what was/is the issue.  Well when I took running up the last time, about 5 years ago, it was a way to get through the stress of my dad's colon cancer journey.  Thankfully he has been in remission for almost 4 years so what kept me going over the last 4 years?  Well the stress of my job and wanting to hit  certain mileage or races.  When I made the decision to finally change jobs to something with significantly less stress, my running also kinda dropped.  Now, the struggle for miles has been hard seemingly for everyone in 2022.  Both of my run partners worked through illness and injury.  None of us hit our mileage goals for the year.  The point is I wasn't alone but yes overall I had lost the motivation to run.  I had the least amount of miles since dad's diagnoses.

How do you reverse a trend, you want to actually change, especially when it is something that you use to love?  Well I started the year committeed to completing the None 2 Run program, again.  If you don't know this program I highly recommend it.  I completed C25K many years ago and let me tell you, None 2 Run is better.  Their app, newly released for Android, is wonderful!  Okay so I'm going to get back to running slowly.  Cool, right?  12 weeks to complete the program.  12 weeks to get back to consistently running 3 times a week.  Is that enough?

Yesterday, I decided to binge watch Harry and Megan on Netflix.  If you have been around at all in the 14 years of this blog then you know I have mixed-race children.  So listening to Megan Markle speaking about her experiences as a mixed-raced person, I tried to really listen not just hear but listen to her pain.  I got uncomfortable.  When her mother spoke about wishing she had taught her daughter what it is like to experience being Black, I felt a pang of terror.  I am not a Black woman.  My oldest daughter is Black presenting.  How do I prepare her to be Black when I have no clue?

How do I prepare a child who wants to enter the MMA ring when there aren't people like her in that space, at least not on the international stage?  How do I support her in her journey when I have no clue what that is like?  Now don't get me wrong, I know racism.  I grew up in deep East Texas as a 1st gen Mexican American.  I know what it is like to be called a wetback and told to go back to where you came from.  I know those.  It wasn't until I started working at an HBCU that I really began to understand that I don't know dick about being Black in America, that pain has deep roots.  I'm a newly formed American.  I am a rock in a shoe.  Black in America is the foundation of this country.  But like any foundation, the house doesn't acknowledge that without the foundation, it would fall.  The foundation takes all of the weight, the hits, the abuse and as long as it is quiet no one talks about the foundation.  How do I teach my daughters that?  

But to yesterday, I had just finished the next to the last episode of the Harry and Megan series and I just needed to run.  Run to think my way through the thoughts I don't feel like I can share with anyone because I don't know anyone who is doing this: navigating a Black-presenting MMA phenom on to the international stage.  It's not that I can't talk to people about it but who really understands?  Who can help me through the emotional side of the illogical (or maybe not illogical) arguement that I am a liablity to my daughter's career?

See the agruement in my head says that because she looks "like a Black girl" but isn't "all the way Black," Black-owned companies are not going to want to work with her.  Because she is Mexican but doesn't "look Mexican" then Latino-owned business aren't going to want to work with her.  Business need to invest in fighters that others can connect with.  Can the world connect with a fighter who doesn't match any of their sterotypes?

I have told my child that because of how she looks, she could in theory hide her Mexicaness.  She can exist as a Black woman but that she needs to be careful because you don't want your secret to be used against you.  I told her that and then created her figther social media account as Blaxican MMA (find her on Instagram).  I didn't give her a real choice because I don't want her career to be blown up by a "major revelation" that she isn't just Black.  

I have been to all of her major events and I haven't seen families like ours.  I have seen Black families and Latino families.  I have seen mixed families but not mixed like ours.  I watch MMA events, UFC, Bellaor, and ONE, and there aren't fighers like her.  What I have seen, mostly during UFC fights, is the hate thrown at the Black fighters.  How do I willingly put my child through that?

I have even seen it to some extent in her gym.  The teammates she trains with are creating personas that mimic popular UFC fighters, conservative White elite racist mysoginistic homophobic who play to the MAGA audience.  I have stopped following some of their accounts because I don't want their brand mixing with hers.  But y'all it isn't just about branding, it makes me question who is actually in her corner?  When people are throwing the "N-word" at her, will her teammates defend her or join in?  I have watch them use that word against other fighters.  So with the entire audience against her will they stand with her?  Y'all I don't know.  I honestly don't know and that scares me.

So how does that connect to running?  Well, one of the wonderful aspects of running for me is the freedom to process my thoughts and to cry freely.  No one questions why you are crying when you are running.  They assume you in pain and tears follow pain.  It is true, I am running through some pain.  The uncomfortableness of mile whatever helps me process whatever is going through in mind.  Where is the connection?  I ran yesterday to process these thoughts.  I need to talk (even if it is just to myself) about the terror that the Harry and Megan series brought up for me.  I need to work my way from I am a liabilty to my daughter's career to  my daughter's mixed heritage is a point of pride a selling point.  I need to remind myself that if a brand won't work with her because of her mixed-heritage then that is probably a brand we don't want to work with anyway.  I need miles on my feet to remind me that even if she never gets a sponsor and I have to take on more work to finance her career myself that doesn't mean she isn't a phenom.  Her skills and drive are worth any and all work I have to do.  I have to work on my mindset to be ready to stand with my daughter no matter the insults thrown at her or the opportunities that disappear because she doesn't fit a mold.  

I am no longer running to get through my dad's cancer journey.  I am no longer running to deal with job stress.  I am running to be a strong mom and help my daughter conquer MMA.  I am running through, to, for the rise of Blaxican MMA. 

Bittersweet: Cherry Bomb

Recently a friend asked to borrow my copy of Atlas Of The Heart, figuring I would have a copy as a devoted reader of all things Brene Brown.  I, of course, have a physical copy and an audio version.  As I pull out my copy of Atlas,  I started to wonder where my other copies of my Brene books where.  Most I own the audio version so those were easy to locate in my Audible account but one book was noticeably missing:  Braving The Wilderness.  I immediately used my September credit to buy it.  As I drove home today, I started the book.  The theme of the book: true belonging.  I'll spare you my watered down version of her point. UT you at least needed the setup for what happened next.

I stopped the book at Chp 3.  I needed time to digest the 2 chapters I had just heard and needed some music to help soothe my mind.  What should happen to play: Cherrybomb by The Runaways.  Great song but one of the most bittersweet songs in my world.  Why?

Cherrybomb was the first song Sould Sister ad I ever choose for our band.  We were at a function, on opposite sides of the room when the dj played this song.  It was like kismet, we both instinctively went to find the other to say this song is for us.  It wasn't our best song but it was a song that made me feel like a real bass player.  The last time we performed it, at Punk Rock Prom, right before our friendship and then our band imploded, I felt my hottest, series, coolest self ever.

It is bittersweet because I don't believe I'll ever have that feeling again.  The trifecta I always want but always fall short of achieving. The bestie band mate that gave me cool by proxy is what I miss most of all.  The sense of belonging to a band but most of all to myself.

When the song finished I cried.  Grieving the loss of Soul Sister all over again but really grieving how I felt that last performance. Yes, I am hot, at times, and sexy , at times, but never cool.  Today I'm a tired mother of 2 trying to find my way as an academic librarian. I feel miles away from the woman who performed at the Punk Rock Prom.

This past weekend, I played bass with someone. It was the first time I played with another person in 8 years.  I'm rusty.  I struggled. Honestly, it felt pretty crappy.  He wanted to yell out notes but I know bass tabs.  I struggled to understand what was being asked of me.  It was like starting all over again.  I hated it.  I hated him.  I hated the shame I felt.  I put my bass away feeling like a failure.

You would think this was a negative experience but it was the fresh start my bass and I needed.  I can't go back to Punk Rock Prom.  I'm beginning all over again.  I have an opportunity to make new memories with music.  After 8 years, I don't want the old me.  I want this me to play bass, badly especially at first.  I doubt I will ever play bass in public again but I can relearn the bass cleft again and not freeze when someone says play an "E".  I can play Cherrybomb with new people and smile at the memories of that old me, not today, not yet, but I am well on my way.

A cup of tea

 I have recently started listening to Bittersweet: How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole by Susan Cain on the recommendation of Brene Brown.  The entire concept of being able to be whole when we are able to experience the sweetness of life along with the bitter really speaks to my soul.  It was in listening to the first chapter that I had a realization about my relationship with tea, the actual drink.

So I have been a long-time hot tea drinker, mostly herbal teas given to me by my Mexican grandmother to obtain healing of one kind or another.  Because it was my grandmother that gave me tea when I was hurting or sick, a cup of hot tea represents caring to me.  Now before this moment I wasn't aware of this connection but it's importance comes into play later so keep reading :)

When I was in college, I became fast friends with a fellow tea drinker.  She came from a British family and of course tea is a big thing in that culture.  When we were in college, she and I would go to the opera and enjoy fancy tea together afterwards. After college when we would get together, we always shared a cup of tea.  She found an amazing blend of Lavender and Earl Grey.  I absolutely loved it and the conversation we would have while drinking tea together.  And then after a very hurtful attacking email, the friendship was over.  On the verge of becoming a mother, my friend attacked my entire way of life.  I lost a friend but I also lost my deep love of tea and the ritual of sharing tea with a friend.  For about 10 years I couldn't stomach the idea of drinking Lavender Earl Grey because the pain was just so deep in my soul.

So a few years back, I met a new friend who is a tea drinker.  Now, in the last almost 12 years since I have been back in Texas, I had all but given up tea in favor of coffee.  It seemed all of my friends were coffee drinkers so outside of the occasional London Fog, I drank fancy coffee drinks.  It is uncomfortable to be the tea drinker among coffee drinkers and compounded by the bitter memories around tea, I saved tea for when I was alone.  I had all but completely stopped drinking tea if I was with anyone.  

Then this new tea drinker in my life.  A massive tea collection to rival any serious tea drinkers stash. This new tea stash to drink my way through if I allow myself to enjoy tea with someone again. 

I guess it has been a couple of weeks now, I was handed a cup of tea.  This cup of tea was perfect.  The perfect temperature.  The perfect brew time.  The perfect amount of sugar.  The perfect amount of cream.  I didn't have to ask for anything.  The perfect cup of tea handed to me just because.  

Part of the start of Bittersweet is analyzing your heart for its base longing.  What is that thing you long for?  That thing you need?  For me, at my core it is to be taken care of, to be shown care without an exchange.  To be loved and careful just because.  When I realized this base longing, it clicked that I was handed a cup of love and care just because.  My base longing was met without me having to do anything in exchange.  No words, no deeds, just because.

I am the oldest of three children with my brothers being twins and only 15 months younger than me.  I wasn't alone with my parents for long and when my brothers came along they required a lot of care and I was moved the role of caregiver.  It was my job to keep my brother safe and make sure they were doing well in school.  We were latch-key kids to very hard working immigrant parents.  So at my core, I often feel overlooked and used.  I am loved for what I can do not just because I am.  Then I up and married a man who loves me dearly but doesn't do a lot o
f celebrations or just because.  He is very practical and I really love him for it but that does mean this base longing just gets pushed to the side.

I was handed a perfect cup of tea.  Tea that means love.  Tea that means caring.  Tea that took me back to the love only a grandmother can really give because when you are bad she can hand you off so she can feel free to spoil you.  A warm hug in a cup.  A cup to soothing liquid to help heal a wound caused by bitter words.  A cup that helps me move on from bitter end of one friendship to the sweet start of being able to trust myself to make new friendships.  So much meaning and need for that perfect cup of tea.

Gymgirl Update - Becoming Blaxican MMA

 So if you have been a long-time reader of this blog then you know that it started when I found out I was expecting my first child.  That child is now 12-years-old and y'all she is just amazing!  

In 12 years we have gone from gymnastics to martial arts and that is where this update picks up.  I am going to retire Gymgirl, much like I did Ravebaby when she was well past being called a baby, and she will officially be BlaxicanMMA.  

So why that name?  My GymGirl is still at the gym just a martial arts gym.  She is there around 12 hours a week.  She has committed herself to becoming an MMA fighter.  It is not what my momma heart wants but it is what she wants so I'm having to learn all about MMA!

So far, I have learned that MMA moms have to watch their children get hit in the face.  I do not like this lesson.  I watch her at practice.  Honestly, I'm so clueless I have no clue if she is doing well or not.  I find it very confusing.  She had her first Brazillian JuJitsu tournament back in September and the first fight when it was over, I wasn't sure if she had won or lost.  It just all happened so fast!  She won by the way.  She brought home 2 gold medals and the best smile.  I was so proud of her!  I still don't want to watch her get hit in the face; I worked hard on that beautiful creation for 9 months, but she has goals and dreams so here goes!

Back to the Blaxican MMA thing, so part of being a professional fighter is social media presence so she has her own Instagram account for her fighting!  Can you guess the name?  Yeah, we went with Blaxican MMA.  Why that name?  Well, we decided that we wanted her to embrace her full ethnic/racial identity from the start, and what better way than to put it right in the handle.

This need to stand strong as a Blaxican fighter is part of the thing that makes me nervous with the world of MMA if I'm honest.  The roots of MMA are firmly in White supremacy, as in skinheads, not just the concept.  It is still a male-dominated sport.  I don't want to hear my baby called ugly names just because she is good and Black/Mexican.  I don't want to hear men say that if she was a man she wouldn't be considered good.  I want to protect her from judgments about her body shape.  I want to protect her from so many things but this is the world she wants to enter and to dominate.  

Y'all BlaxicanMMA is tough.  She is so much stronger than me.  I'm sure people have already said stuff to her.  She holds her head high and learns to punch harder.  Me?  I don't want to hear some sore loser dad saying anything ugly about my child because she just beat the shit out of his kid and I know the place they are going to go is attacking her Blackness/Brownness/Womanness.  How am I supposed to hear someone say shit about my daughter and hold my tongue?  I don't know.  At the tournament, she fought in an all-Latina field so nobody was ugly.  It won't always be like that so I worry about me and my actions.  I want to be strong for her and support her.  I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

Anyways, my beautiful strong DD1 is officially on the 'Gram so give her a follow.  

Instagram - @blaxicanmma

You can watch that tiny baby that started it all grow into a full-blown MMA fighter!

Random Update: Isagenix Collagen Elixir Review

 So do you ever get so busy and talk things out with actual people that you forget to blog?  Cause that is 100% what happened here at Wheatless Mama.  I've just been so balanced that I forgot to come back and talk to you guys!

I'm sure the number question: Are you still running?  Yes, I don't have a major goal at this time.  I had planned to run my first ultra this year but that ultra is suddenly not happening.  I happened to start the Hanson Method - Just Finish Marathon training, I just finished week 2 after running Week 1 twice.  So I should be ready to run a marathon for my birthday so I think that is what I'm going to do.  Get a fresh base marathon time and maybe work my way to an ultra with TROT but we'll see.

Have I avoided COVID?  At this point, my house has been blessed.  Truly both of my girls now ages 12 and 5 are fully vaccinated.  All of us adults are vaxed and boosted.  100% both of the girls will be boosted when it is their time.

Other projects?  I do have a super-secret project I am working on.  Not sure if that one will ever come to the light but we'll see.  The other project is sort of an odd direction for me.  I have a new side-gig! Isagenix! (Update: 1/23/23 side-gig is over)

So what the hell is it?  Well, it is like an MLM with health products.  You know don't endorse what I don't use so here is the tee:  their Collagen Elixir has changed our lives.  I originally bought it because Zaida, who was the other lady featured in the Ultimate Directions Latinas Run campaign with me, was selling it.  She was pushing their weight loss line.  I have zero interesting weight loss products.  But she started featuring their Collagen Elixir.  Now I have been using collagen in my coffee for over a year, as a runner is it really essential (at least for me), so I decided to try it.  Isagenix pushes it as a beauty product.  Yes, I was hoping for some lessening of my fine lines because they are sure are appearing!  I didn't see much change in my face but I started giving it to my husband and that is where the change is amazing.

DH has many allergies but one of them is beef.  By in large the collagen I could buy locally was all beef.  In fact the one I was taking was beef.  It would tear his stomach up.  So that was a no-go.  Isagenix uses marine life collagen.  He took one and that didn't tear his stomach up.  He used it for a week and his joints suddenly didn't hurt anymore.  2 weeks later, he is grabbing me and dancing with me in the kitchen.  Y'all I didn't realize how much mobility he had lost until it was back.  He is playing his guitar again.  He is talking about doing cardio kickboxing classes.  He is like aged in reverse 10 years.  If I had not watched it, I wouldn't have believed 1 little bottle a day could do it.

My mom started taking just last week and she has said her hands are feeling so good again.  She knits all of the time.  She had stopped knitting so much because the pain was really getting to her.  Well in 5 days, she is 100%, I need to drink this every day.

Y'all I'm not trying to sell you junk.  Will you see changes in your face?  I don't know.  DH does actually look younger.  It is kinda strange.  I haven't noticed anything for my mom yet but it has only been 5 days.  

Now, I know you are asking what about you Martha.  What changes have you seen?  Well, I stopped drinking it because the stuff ain't cheap.  A 1 month supply is $150 if you get the hookup.  That is a little high for me when I run 10+ miles a week and am doing just fine with the dollar store collagen.  You know I try to keep it 100% real here.  It is good stuff.  It tastes good.  I'm watching it change the lives of some folx that are close to me but buddy it cost.  

Point of the post?  I'm selling it.  I hope to be able to buy some for myself soon but DH and my mom keep taking it before I can get any!  Here is my link for the Collagen Elixir.  Isagenix has a bunch of other products but until I use them or see them used by people I know and trust I won't write about them.  I'm not endorsing junk periodt.  Drop me a line if you have questions about the Elixir.  Look around at the other products.  Buy them, try them, tell me if you saw a difference.  

Mission Tejas - Take 2ish

 About 2 years ago, I ran in my first Trail Racing Over Texas race: Mission Tejas.  I fell in love with TROT so much so that I have been a brand ambassador for them for the last year.  But Mission Tejas left me scarred.  Before the race, I had done a couple of training runs out there so I was aware of the difficulty but add heat and the race was awful.  I hadn't been back to train at Tejas since that day.  I had visited with my family, even worked a race, but no runs.

At the beginning of October, TROT put out a call for volunteers.  I signed up and then I went ahead and signed up for the 10k.  It was the 25k that had kicked my ass before so the 10k seemed like a safer distance.  I would only have to run everything 1 time.  I wanted to give myself a new Tejas story.  It went well!

I went in thinking it would take me 3 hrs and hoping for 2 and half.  I clocked in officially at 2:10!  I was super proud of myself.  I finished the race with a smile on my face and joy in my heart.  It was hard.  I had forgotten about the hills.  The steep steps weren't so bad.  Don't get me wrong, I still had to stop and take a few breaks to get up the damn things but there weren't as many as I had remembered.

I need to go back and start adding distance and vert to my training.  My ultra dream is set for Sept 2022 and the vert on it is crazy.  If I can challenge myself to a 50k at Tejas at least once before Sept then I think the Sept race will be doable.  

Until I get a 25k at Tejas, I won't consider it a complete redemption.  But I took my first steps so Tejas and I are no longer nemeses.  We are more like frienemies.  I need Tejas.  Running Tejas will get me mentally ready for the challenge ahead: Golden Bears Ears!  But more on that later . . . 

Setting the audacious goal

 So, when I was in Colorado for the Latinas Run Summit, I had my interview with Ultimate Direction and one of the questions was about my running goals.  I do have a ready answer for that: 50k.  My goal is to complete a 50k trail race.  But as I began to answer the question, I was struck with something that up to that point I hadn't realized: I'm comfortable with my current running routine: 3-4x per week at least 30 minutes, pace need not apply.  I have been struggling with really kicking my ass into gear because I have gotten into a comfortable routine with my running.

There is nothing wrong with being comfortable.  We all strive for comfort.  Comfort food, comfortable clothing, comfy place to sit; we are wired to seek comfort.  So why is comfort bad in this situation?  Well, I have a goal and I can't get there if all I do is what is comfortable.

If you read runners' stories, like world-class athletes, they usually mention getting comfortable with being uncomfortable.  I forgot exactly who said it but it was a female marathoner who had gotten her time to Olympic qualifying and she mentioned running so hard she would throw up.  She would run so hard until she threw up and then do it again until she stopped throwing up.  She got stronger but first, she got uncomfortable.  

So what does any of that have to do with me?  Well, I am a goal setter.  I work towards things.  After I finished my doctorate and got my dad through cancer treatment, I ran a marathon.  It took me 8 hrs.  Since then my tentative goal has been a 50k.  I set my mind and then something derails me.  Life happens.  So it is a nebulous goal.  Something that I know I can do.  The goal is to finish not break my back doing it so I have been laissez-faire about it.  

Again so what?  Well after listening to episode #38 of The Not Your Average Runner podcast with Jill Angie and guest Corinne Crabtree, I realized I was not growing as a runner because I was comfortable.  Comfortable with mostly walking.  Comfortable with pushing the 50k into the future.  Honestly, I wasn't just comfortable, I was scared to really commit to the goal deep in my soul.  I want to get faster as a runner.  Not just like nebulous faster but I want to cut my marathon time in half.  

Full stop: what did I just think? Say? Write?  I came home from that realization and immediately told my husband.  Y'all it is an audacious goal.  Right now, I mostly walk.  On a good day, I have a 16-18 min mile.  A 4-hour marathon means sub 10 min miles for 26.1 miles.  That is overwhelming as fuck to think about.  How in the world will I, this little chubby 250+ lbs runner/mostly walker, cut my pace by almost 10 mins?

Well first, I have to get my mind right.  Yes, it is audacious but it is doable even by me.  Second, I have to get SMART.  Here is the goal: Run a 4-hour marathon by my 50th birthday.  I have 8 years which might seem like a long time but honestly, it will fly so I have to get to work.  I have to go back to running instead of enjoying my walk/runs.  Yes, I can still do intervals but I have to do the fucking intervals even if it hurts.  If I puke, I puke.  Y'all I have to get way uncomfortable.

What exactly am I doing differently today than when I decided on my real goal 2 weeks ago?  I am doing speed runs.  Maybe my mile pace doesn't look different from my recovery pace but I am pushing.  I have changed up my cross-training to work on core strength and explosive power.  I have also dropped my distance.  I am maxing out at a 10k.  I cannot get the pace down and distance at the same time.  Maybe some of y'all can but I can't.  That was one of the realizations from The Not Your Average Runner episode, you can't really multitask.  Jill Angie says it all the time, you can become a runner and you can lose weight but you can't do 1 run for both.  If my focus is getting my mile time down to sub-10 minutes then that is my short-term goal.  My weight will do what it will.  I may not be able to do an unassisted pull-up but I will be consistent with my cross-training with the explicit goal of getting faster.

Once I get my pace where I need it then I can start increasing my distance again.  I know I can cover the distance.  I have done it before.  It took me 8 hrs but I did it.  I am a marathoner.  Now to go for the big goal, the goal that scares the shit out of me.  Why does it scare me?  Because I might not be able to do it.  Why does it scare me?  Because fuck, I might be able to do it.  What if I do this then who am I?  Then will I step fully into my badassery?  Make career moves that right now I am passing on because I'm comfortable?

What happens next?  Lots of speed work, I have done two speed drills so far and a few 5ks in the last couple of weeks and you know what?  My fastest mile time so far was 12:08!  Y'all, I honestly forgot I could do that.  I didn't even puke which means I could have run harder.  I can run harder!  I have so much work ahead of me and I am excited to do it.  

Girl, set the audacious goal for your fitness, your career, your education, your health, your marriage.  You are capable of getting anything you set your mind to do!  In the meanwhile, I'll be puking on the side of the road from exhaustion, maybe excitement, who knows but I have a strong feeling puke is in my future.

 

Latinas Run Summit 2021

I had the privilege of attending the Latinas Run Summit 2021 in Estes Park Colorado the last weekend of July. It was a weekend full of firsts: 

• first time in Colorado 
• first time racing 2 races back to back 
• first run summit 
• first time at that elevation 
• first road race with love for the back of the pack
• first time meeting all of the women at the summit 

Needless to say this little introvert was nervous. Adding to the nerves was this was somewhat last minute. Several months ago a fellow trail runner posted about a contest for the “Run Your Own Trail” campaign by Ultimate Direction. As part of the campaign, you would win an all-expenses-paid trip to Latinas Run Summit, entry into the Vacation Races Elk Double, and a massive runners gear package. I filled it out and then forgot about it until I was contacted about being a finalist. This finalists round required a video. So I filmed myself at my desk, edited it down to the required time limit, and again forgot all about it. I honestly never thought that my run journey was something inspiring. I run/jog/walk/finish miles because it helps me cope with stress. I run on trails because it is peaceful. Anyways, in the middle of an already busy day, I get an alert for an email from Zoe at Ultimate Direction. Curious I opened it on my watch and then quickly grabbed my phone. I could not believe I had been chosen as a winner! 

Since I had forgotten I had entered, I had to quickly research what exactly I had won. So first I had to figure out when the summit would actually be happening: July 29-August 1. Well, that is going to be a problem. As a person in higher education, there are blackout dates, usually around the first day of class, exams, and graduation. Well, the first day of classes was August 2nd. So I had to contact my supervisor immediately to obtain special permission to take vacation days. Thankfully, he gave me permission immediately. He really is a great boss. With the days off taken care of came everything else, namely travel and training. 

Zoe made the process to get travel done as easy as possible. As an experienced traveler, I knew I need to fly out of IAH and I looked up the best flight options and Zoe did the rest. Training well that was a different story. How do you train for high altitude when you live at sea level? The answer is not well. 

My first issue was the races were actually road races not trail. It was honestly disappointing. I love trail so much and really try not to run road unless I have to so I knew I needed to get my head good with the road. Next how to get elevation when you live at sea level? Honestly outside of wearing a special mask, there really isn’t a way. I chose a path that I knew well that would give me hills and road surface and pushed myself to get in miles each Saturday. 3 weeks out, I had my longest run in the last few month of 10 miles and I felt so tired. 2 weeks out we had the Run For Justice, which I did virtually. Then 1 week out, I lost all my running mojo. I just couldn’t make myself get up and move. I was pretty worried about my ability to actually finish the half marathon. 

So I pack my bags and head out to the airport and this is where the fun begins, I flew out of a terminal usually reserved for international flights. I was really scared that I was headed to the wrong place but no, it was because I was flying on a huge plane, the biggest I had ever been on, 7 seats across. As we were approaching for landing, we hit some turbulence and some passengers got scared. Their flight companions were trying to calm them by praying and telling jokes. Since it wasn’t me, it was funny. It was bumpy but nothing horrible. 

It was my first time flying into Denver and not knowing the layout I was a bit worried about finding my shuttle ride to Estes Park. Luckily, I had an hour before needing to find my shuttle so I was able to get a bite to eat and relax before walking around in circles to figure the Eastside from the Westside. I did notice that as I walked around the security line was super long, which in turn made me nervous about the flight back but I’ll talk about that later down the post. 

I find my shuttle and 4 other ladies attending the Latinas Run summit were on board so I got to meet them before we got to Estes. I didn’t interact much with them as I was business looking at the scenery. Once in Estes, we made our way to the base camp cabin and checked in. I was handed 2 keys and quickly told the names of my cabin mates, which of course meant nothing to me as I didn’t know them. Off I went across the way to my cabin, claimed the smaller room on the second floor for myself, and then drank as much water as possible. The water, well staying hydrated, was the only piece of advice I got about adjusting to the altitude. As I sat down to read about the cabin and turn on the tv to relax, I had about 90 minutes before the first summit meeting, I read the second piece of advice: eat carbs so I immediately ordered a pizza. 

As I waited for my pizza, my cabin mates arrived. They were a true blessing. They knew each other, friends since high school, and were from Houston. We clicked immediately. I could not have asked for better ladies to share a cabin. 

I always pack light, 1 carry-on, and 1 personal item, usually a briefcase but in this case a beautiful new purse gifted to me by DH. As part of my commitment to packing light, I only brought my chapstick no makeup. Well, guess who forgot she was supposed to be filming her segment for Run Your Own Trail? I filmed my segment and hopefully, I’ll have that soon to share with you, with my naked face. I never wear makeup to run anyway so hopefully, I look natural and not sickly. You just never know how you will come across on film. 

Apparently, weather in/near the Rockies can be unpredictable. They had been calling for rain but then the forecast would change so preparing for the Friday night 5K, we knew we needed to plan for the possibility of running in the rain. Again my amazing cabin mates were lifesavers. They had actually rented a car so we drove over to the race. The race was actually within walking distance but between weather and thinking about dinner afterward, we decided to drive over. As soon as we pulled out of the parking lot, it began to pour. It rained so hard that it started flooding parts of Estes Park and flooded the tunnel we were supposed to take to get under the road between the start and the staging area. 

Vacation Races did a great job of communicating with the runners. They had a broadcast on the radio. Because of lighting, not really the rain, we were delayed over an hour. It was chilly and wet but the path was clear with minimal puddles considering how much and how quickly the rain had come down. There was about a mile walk between the car, staging area, and the start. My watch measured 5 miles altogether. The first challenge was just getting to the other side of the road to the start line. Since the tunnel was flooded, they had to stop traffic and we had to climb down the side of the hill. Then the long walk to the start and we could see the huge hill looming ahead. That hill was horrible! I was worn out from the start! I did actually enjoy the 5k. The view of the lake was great and I even achieved my goal of staying under an hour! Race 1 down but due to the late start and difficulty, I knew the half was going to be a bigger challenge than I originally thought. Less time to recover and if the 1 hill had kicked my ass what would the huge hills on the half mean? 

The half was hard.  There was a 3-mile ascent from mile 2 to about 5.  It was continuous but not super steep.  I went from about 7600 ft to 8200 ft.  It was tough but as long as I kept moving, I was good.  Slow and steady, which is my race policy at all times. 

I forgot the mention the start of the half!  This was the first race I have run with pacers.  You find your anticipated pace and run with that group.  I found the back of the pack, which for this race was 3:30-4:00 hrs.  As soon as I found the group I saw 2 women with the pacer and I said, "I have found my people!"  And they just took me in.  I stayed with them, well one person dropped off, the whole race.  It was this first race friend that kept me going!

Seriously, after mile 5 I thought the worse was over, I was wrong!  This race taught me that steepness matters.  Between mile 9 and 10, I struggled.  Like to the point that I was considering quitting the race.  The hill was killing me.  It was steep, very steep.  I was tired, very tired.  I stopped to catch my breath and as I did, I turned my head and saw a Virgin of Guadalupe.  For half a second, I thought I was hallucinating.  But along with the hallucination, I felt like my grandmother was with me, like she was giving me a blessing.  That was enough to steady my focus on finishing.  I gave up on finishing in under 4 hrs.  I had to stop 2 more times on this hill but I climbed it.  Oh and at my next stop, a few yards ahead, I saw that indeed we were right next to a Catholic Church so it was not a hallucination!

My race friend was pushing me the whole way.  As we climbed, we passed about 5 people.  Not to say that we were better than the folx we passed, we were just moving in a steady beat.  Once we hit the last 2 miles, which was a bit more flat and was the same as the last 2 miles of the 5k from the night before.  We walked it all.  It was hard not because of the course but because I did not plan my nutrition well.  I had my piece of pizza, which is what I use on long runs, but I just didn't eat it.  Had I eaten, I think I could have pushed in the last 2 miles and finish in under 4 hrs, barely.  Well, we finished at 4 hrs and 8 minutes.  We finished!

The finish line was crazy!  The Latinas Run group was waiting for me!  Then 1 more Latinas Run runner finished and it was like we erupted.  There was so much joy and love at that finish line.  This was unusual for a road race.  The only time I have gotten that kind of love was at TROT races.  So I love my Latinas Run group.  Honestly, I felt so good that I didn't really care I was exhausted or gross from running.  I was joyous.

After the race, I enjoyed a nap and pizza.  I was by myself, my cabinmates headed out for burgers with a larger group from the Latinas Run Summit.  It was amazing. I ate pizza and watched 80s movies.  Best recovery ever!

Okay, let me wrap this up.  Trip home:  on the drive, I was complaining that I never got to see any goats.  I saw Elk but no goats.  Then as we were rounding down the mountain, we came upon a large group stopped on the side of the road.  I was thinking it was a driver in distress but no, it was a family of goats!  It was amazing!

The airport looked super crazy.  We get there and I have 1 hr until I'm supposed to be flying out.  The security line was wrapped back over itself and looked crazy long.  It moved very quickly.  It looked worse than it actually was.  In the middle, the line turns into a huge space so that 2 people can walk side-by-side so the drug dog can walk around you.  So you have been warned, Denver airport looks scary but moves quite quickly.

Would I do it again?  Yes!

Will I do it again?  I'm saving my pennies!