Friday, February 7, 2014

Bitter pill of never enough

One of my defining characteristics is that I'm a very driven person.  If I put my mind to it I will do it.  This is a good and bad thing.  I am lucky to be able to focus not on things but usually on improving myself.  I know some people are driven to get stuff but stuff is not a big factor for me.  I usually put my energy into education, career, marriage, friends, or my child.  I don't let things or people stand in the way of something I want.

So why the drive?  Why do I have to work so hard?  The answer is pretty easy.  I think most people who are driven come from a place of fear.  Fear of not having enough money, enough food, enough love.  Not a need for more just a fear of not enough.  At least that is my drive.  I don't want more money.  I am happy being poor but I am afraid of not being able to choose this as my life.  I hate the idea of living by default.  Maybe the root fear is actually control.  I hate to be out of control too.  I know control is a total figment of my imagination.  I know I control nothing.  I think I am sitting safely at my desk but the roof could cave in and kill so so much for control, right.

The idea of enough has been really present in my mind since reading Daring Greatly from Brene Brown.  I can so easily see in my life were I feel like I am not enough and that is from childhood.  I have never felt enough for anything.  I'm not Mexican enough, or American enough.  I'm not skinny enough for the normal girl clothes section or fat enough for the big girls section.  I'm smart but not I'm always just behind in getting a concept down or being able to express my thoughts fully.  I just told Dh the other day, I'm pretty but not pretty enough to make anyone want to risk actually hitting on me.  At the same time I'm not ugly enough for anyone to really notice me either.  I feel like I live in the gray space of invisibility.

I think most of that is a comfort thing.  I don't want to really be noticed because then I would have a responsibility. I want to be able to operate at my own place and in my own space.  I want to set a goal and achieve it; earn a masters, run a 10k, get some research published.  I think I lost my point but anyways, I am driven.  Driven by fear mostly but it works for me so onward I march.  Maybe someday I'll feel like I'm enough at something, hell maybe the best at something till then I gotta work.

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