Tuesday, October 9, 2018

Miscarriage and Assigned Soul

October is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Month.  I've written in a past blog post about losing a pregnancy about 2 years after Gymgirl was born.  If you do the math, there are almost exactly 7 years between my girls.  That was not my plan but that is what happened.  I love my rainbow baby, Baby Lala, but I still think about the one lost between.  To say I spent 9 months terrified I was going to lose the pregnancy is an understatement. 

We have been watching Bones.  DH got GymGirl and I into it.  There was an episode with Cyndi Lauper as a psychic and she was helping a soul cross over.  In that episode, she mentioned to the soul, who was a young teen, all about the life he would have had including 2 children that will now have to find a new way here.  I asked DH if he thought that was the way it worked.  Do we get assigned our best life and then between free will and life itself it turns into other things?  He said yep something like that.  "Then what about the soul we lost?  Was it Lala or someone else? Will he find a new way here?"

Is that the way it works?  Was I tasked with bringing a certain number of souls across and failed at some point?  See the loss is great and doesn't go away.  So much potential, life changing, world saving energy just gone?  If energy isn't created or destroyed then that soul is still around and will find a new way here. 

I'm sure how souls work.  I just know I still the loss.  I have a couple of friends who in recent month have dealt with pregnancy loss.  They have been super open and honest on Facebook about it.  I'm so proud of then.  When I had my miscarriage, we didn't tell anyone for months and only because I had written the blog post.  There was so much shame, like I was a failure as a woman.  I know that wasn't and isn't true.  Only God knows the master plan and I'll just be patient and have faith. 

Wednesday, October 3, 2018

Poverty Paradox

Have you ever looked into joining a "service organization"?  Around here we have Jr. League, Rotary, and Kiwanis, maybe others too but those are the big ones.  In high school, I was a member of Interact, the high school version of Rotary.  These organizations do great work for all types of people and places in our community.   This is not a knock against any of them just an interesting observation.

I recently pulled out of joining the Jr. League because I didn't have the money to join.   The fees were only $125 but that is actually a lot of money for some people,  like me.  Rotary was way more money,  something in the neighborhood of $1000. I have no clue about Kiwanis but im sure they have a membership fee as well.  Of course upit can't forget the required volunteer hours and fundraisers .which you will be expected to buy/spend money on as well. Again,  they do great work and that requires money.

Why join them?   Well it is for networking along with helping in your community.   If you are a new business person then you want/need those connections. Now think if you are a person trying to better your life,  ie get out of poverty, you need connections and networking opportunities. The people in leadership positions in those organizations basically get their businesses "free" press with each project.  They are in the newspaper or TV news all the time.   Think of all of that exposure!  Now think about the membership fee, can you drop that money? 

I honestly can't at the moment.   God willing I'll join Jr. League next year but what about other poor people who want and need the advantages of service organizations?   I find it ironic that the organizations work to end poverty or improve lives but de facto bar the people they claim to help by not having a scholarship or trading
volunteer hours for membership fees option.  

Those organizations don't advertise much as far as growing their numbers.  They are basically you gotta know someone type of thing.  You get invited or your job forces you to go.  Those of us who grew up in poverty didn't have parents running off to Rotary so it isn't really something we think to look for.  Let's be real, they are "White" savior organizations, or at least they were.  The branches around here are getting increasingly more diverse.  As younger generations take over leadership, they are pushing for diversity.  Maybe the scholarships exist if you know the right people.  You personally have a connection and they give you the secret scholarship or membership fee discount.   Again,  it is about who you know.  You have to be in the right crowd to get access to the right crowd,  not so helpful if you are just starting out.

Monday, October 1, 2018

10 miles later

So I did it; I ran 10 miles yesterday!  I felt so lonely, so worthless, so invisible; it was as either run or die.  
Not that I would have actually killed myself but I would have done something self destructive, like 
pull all of my applications or sent an ugly email to the job interview people.

Running is good therapy for me.  It takes a lot of energy to get started and crap-ton 
of will to keep going after the first interval.  But I don't know if it is a runner's high or just my body
 thinking it is closer to death about halfway thru I'll settle in and enjoy the run.

 
Yesterday miles 6, 7, 8 I actually had negative splits!  Meaning they were my fastest miles and honestly 
it is difficult to get faster in the middle of a long run,  for me anyway. The longer I run the better I feel 
until I'm pushing myself into a new longer distance. By the end of mile 8 (which was my previous 
longest distance) I really felt awesome. I was ready to grab life by the balls and be a total badass.  
Then my mood took a turn around 8.5 miles, I started feeling a tiredness in my legs that took over 
my thoughts. I tried breathing thru the pain. It took everything thing in me to finish. I had to give myself 
permission to slow down. I reminded myself that starting sub-13 min wasn't important,  I just needed to 
accomplish my goal and I could crawl if I needed to.

I didn't need to crawl.  I was hurting and unfortunately my mind had settled back into a negative 
state but at least I could shut that negative voice down a little easier; I mean I am a badass that 
ran 10 miles!  Surely a loser can't do that, right?

Anyways,  a half marathon is really well within my grasp. The race I'm targeting isn't until 
November so still a full month of training.  I'll keep adding miles and that change from awesome
 to suck will hopefully move out further and further so that I'm strong at mile 13.1.  
We'll see how it goes! 

Sunday, September 30, 2018

Job searching when you aren't good enough

Let me start by saying, yes I love Brene Brown and yes I'm good enough.  Honestly whatever, this isn't a post about my worth but my job search.  So read or don't, this is a pity party. 

I'm about 6 weeks into my job search.  I've had a couple of interviews.  So far I haven't heard about moving to the 2nd round of anything.  Mostly the airwaves are silent.  They are silent and I'm stuck at home.  This is a horrible combination for me.  This is when self-doubt increases, self-worth decreases, mean as a snake self-talk takes over.

Last night DH had to spend a good two hours trying to convince me that my professional career hasn't been a waste or mistake.  He truly believes I haven't peaked yet that I have some good to do in the world.  See, I look at the past 21 years since high school graduation and see so much struggle.  So much work and swimming against the current that I think/feel maybe I've been wrong.  Maybe instead of college and graduate school and such, I was just supposed to be a maid.  Maybe what I need to do now is just wipe my resume to that one Christmas season at Old Navy and just work as a custodian. 

See, I have had like 50ish professors between all of my college and graduate school studies and I've never been encouraged to do research or write.  The fact is my classmates were and this evidence leads me to think that the professors, professional evaluators of our chances to add to the field, clearly see that I don't belong there.  These are the same type of people looking my work over saying "Nope, not her" when it comes to jobs in Academia that I am trying for.  I see and hear from other classmates amazing opportunities that pursue them, find them, invitations for conferences, prizes, research; me, nothing.  Last night I told DH that I am that person in the middle of the room covered in gold and no one sees me. 

Given the evidence, maybe I've been wrong this whole time.  I've been trying to live above my station.  Maybe my fate really is to be a maid and it is time to stop swimming so hard and just go with the flow.  Maybe being a high school librarian was my peak and now is the time to work some hourly job with no benefits, long hours, and zero responsibility.

DH says I'm just getting to the start line.  I need to be patient.  That just because no one has seen me yet doesn't mean I'm invisible.  He is a good guy.  He sees me as gold instead of pyrite. 

I don't mind working hard.  I don't mind waiting.  I'm just looking at the evidence before me.