Friday, December 7, 2018

Looking for experiences not stuff

For the last 5 years or so, I make a public list of things I would like for Christmas.  I call it "All I want for Christmas" and each day on my Facebook page I post something I would like.  I started doing this because I had a now no longer Facebook "friend" who was complaining about all of the Thanksgiving/Gratitude posts in November.  Now in November I do post something I am thankful for daily.  The ex-friend is bitter and in general a real downer so I had to cut them loose but that got me thinking that we do tend to only post things are a Thankful for in November and it can seem disingenuous.  So to be a bitch, I started the "All I want for Christmas" list.

Now this list has been going for 5 years so obviously I like posting it.  Not only did I start posting it because I am a bitch but also to shut DH up.  He loves to say I'm hard to shop for.  Now yes, if you ask me directly what I want I do usually say nothing.  Really, I'm blessed and my needs are met.  As far as wants, I have tons but I always feel so selfish asking for anything for myself.  Spend the money on the poor, spend it on someone in need, don't worry about me.  But anyways, this way everyone had access to a list of about 23 things I want.

For the most part my list focuses on things.  I do end up getting several things off my list each year.  I make sure my list covers items that are from a variety of price ranges from like $500 to free.  I want to create a list that makes life for others easy.  If you want to buy me something, here is the list.  I also pick things that I want not really need.  That was DH's other complaint, I'm too practical with my list.  I usually want a new vacuum cleaner or some other appliance.  What can I say I'm practical. 

This last year has been rough.  I have learned a good bit about myself in the process of surviving 2018.  One of those lessons has been that I don't self-care enough.  I have neglected myself so much that I don't even know where to start to repair and rejuvenate.  My soul is weary.  So as part of that idea, I'm putting more experiences on my list.  I want coffee-dates.  I want to go out dancing.  I want to share my wheel of brie with friends.  I want to leave the house with a purpose that isn't work or doing for the kids.  I want to get my hair done (which I haven't had done since February!).  I want to go get a mani/pedi.  I want to try new food.  I want to learn how to play and not feel guilty. 

I doubt I do anything from that list above.  I will hopefully get my hair done soon or I'll just take scissors to it myself.  I have to chop off like 4 inches.  It is just too long.  I'll probably just keep taking myself for coffee.  Really, I don't ever expect anyone to do for me and so I'm never disappointed.  Maybe I should be disappointed.  Maybe that is my problem.  Anyways . . .

Tuesday, December 4, 2018

Damn it Brene!

I just started listening to Brene Brown's Dare to Lead.  I bought Rising Strong but managed to lose my copy before ever reading it and I restarted Daring Greatly but now that I'm commuting daily, I decided to listen to Brene.  She is already making me rethink and re-evaluate my last few blogs.  Damn it Brene!

So Brene teaches about vulnerability.  She is amazing and if you haven't read her work, do it!  I know I struggle with connection.  I live in a pit of shame and hustling for worthiness.  I try not to.  I really do until it is just too hard or life is too busy and then I give up and fall down the shame spiral. 

Dare to Lead is focused on being a leader.  I left my last position because I had honestly lead that organization as far as I could with my skills as the time.  I wanted to dare greatly and lead with my whole heart and I did for awhile.  Then I stopped having boundaries and then I got in over my head.  I can see that now.  I can see when I stopped being a leader and started hustling for worthiness.  I know I can do and be better because it is already inside of me. 

Part of this dare to lead thing and wholehearted living is connection.  I want to connect to and with people.  As a shy introvert, I already feel like I am at a disadvantage because I struggle to just speak to new people.  After these last few months, I had decided to give up on making new friends, new connections and just focus on me and then Damn it Brene! 

As I was listening to Brene as I drove home and she mentioned connections and connecting to people.  We have to be open to connection if we are going to live courageously.  I feel like all of my attempts at connection over the last five years have been nothing but me being open and then getting slapped.  Now that isn't true of everyone I've met over the last five years but enough to make me want to give up on the whole connecting thing.  Part of me wants to just focus on reconnecting with old friends and rebuilding those friendships; I miss my marble jar peeps.  But those are all people who live far away.  Now that I'm in a new job, I need to be open to new people and new connections, which means new failures. 

I know I can do it.  I know that I can be open.  I know that stepping into the arena means being open to failure.  Okay, Brene, let's do this.  Let's get the shit kicked out of us by connection.


Monday, December 3, 2018

Dad's surgery

On Wednesday, my dad had his major surgery to remove cancer.  It seems like anytime he had surgery it is last minute.  While we knew this was coming up, we had been told it would be this week and we all made plans, took days off, and in general prepared for this week.  When they offered to move the surgery up a week, dad jumped at the chance which meant we had to jump to get ready to be there.

To say I was unprepared is an understatement.  They moved surgery up a week so I and DH had to quickly change our days off at work and figure out how to pay for a hotel room when payday wasn't until Friday.  I was expecting him to be in surgery at 1:30pm so we could leave later in the day and instead they move his time up to 11 am so we had to scramble to leave earlier.  I was expecting a 2-3 hour surgery, like the surgeries before.  Once I was in the room waiting for them to take dad back, we were informed that it would be 4-5 hours and about 7 hours until we would see him again.

Once they took him back, we had to wait.  Baylor, Scott, & White - Temple did have this cool system were you could basically watch a screen for updates on your loved-one's surgery but it was not working so the waiting room lady would call up families with updates about every 60-90 minutes depending on when the surgery team would update the system.  At one point the lady came over to find us with an update and I nearly came unglued.  They usually only go to the families that are about to get bad news.  In those milliseconds, I just knew my dad was in trouble.  Thankfully, I was mostly wrong.  They extended his time in surgery.  In the end, instead of seeing at about 8pm, it was nearly midnight before I saw my dad again.

He stayed in the hospital until yesterday and as with any surgery, we are watching him for infection and other complications related to  his surgery.  I'm back at work after missing the last 3 days of last week.  I honestly can't focus on anything.  I'm blogging, listening to Christmas music, and in general keeping my mind busy but not on anything heavy.  Honestly, I'm just trying to be ready to hop in the car and rush home in case they suddenly need me.  What I can really do from 2 hours away, I'm not sure but I'm sure there is something!

So dad is recovering.  I pray he continues to get stronger everyday and soon enough he'll start another round of chemo.  In case you need to hear it: Do not ignore changes in your intestinal track or bowel movements.  I've lost 2 friends my age to colon cancer.  My dad is fighting and my father-in-law is 2 years from being declared cancer-free.  People don't ignore your body.  Get your year check-up.  Get your pooper checked. 

Dad with Baby Lala practicing gun safety.

Tuesday, November 27, 2018

Running goals

I am a very goal oriented person.  I like having something I am working towards.  In theory, my running goal was to run a marathon by the time I turn 40.  I have about 5 months to go and I can totally do it but my question to myself is why?  It seems pretty arbitrary.  I am a runner.  The distance, time, pace, none of that determines my runner status.  I get off my ass and run. 

I wanted to run the NacHalf about 2 week ago.  I trained for it.  I got injured.  I sat out.  I'm slowly going back to running.  I'm covering a 5k a week.  Way less than the 10 or miles a week I was running before.  5k seems to be just long enough for a workout and to clear my headspace.  Which makes me question running a marathon, if 5k clears my head, what are the other 23 miles for?

I could train for a faster mile time.  Maybe aim for a sub 10 min mile?  Work my way back up to running a 10k without intervals, which I was doing before switching to intervals to help me get through 13-miles.  Maybe after my dad's surgery, I'll get my head back around to the marathon.  5 months is a long time and I'm not just sitting on my ass.  I am still running and moving.  If I can run 13-miles, then with some training I know I can cover 26.  We'll see. . .