Thursday, June 14, 2018

Your bad doesn't outweigh your good

Continuous Improvement: For Good Measure

So Sunday night that is what I was told by someone who is now an ex-friend.  I guess you could argue that anyone that would say that to you was never actually your friend but I digress.  I think at the least this person was respectful enough, to be honest with me, right?  Instead of just ghosting out of my life, this person was able to get in a good stabbing and let me know how much I suck.

I am vacillating between wanting to be mad and wanting to be sad.  This person is absolutely right about me.  For their life at this moment, my bad outweighs my good.  That isn't necessarily a comment on me as a person in general; really it is about their own life and needs.  I can't really be a good friend if I demand someone put my want of their friendship above their own needs.  And still I was told that I suck and that hurts.  I'm sad because I did want this person in my life.  I thought we had a good friendly relationship. 

All of that being said, this person had a long list of faults too.  Did I make them a list as they were leaving?  Nope.  I wished them luck.  I help open the door and smiled as they left.  Maybe the problem was this person wanted me to beg.  Bargain with them to stay.  Maybe I should have.  I've had other people ask me why I don't fight to keep people in my life.  Maybe I'm afraid I would fail and end up looking like more of an ass.  Maybe it is that every time I have tried that the friendship ended worse than if I had just let them leave when they wanted. 

I could go and beg this person to be in my life.  On Monday, I got word that I was being asked to be interviewed for the Hollins alumna magazine.  This is a massive honor for me.  Hollins has some really amazing alumni and being included in the magazine is amazing.  After I told DH, I wanted to text this person and let them know.  I almost did anyway but then I remember they don't love me anymore.  They don't want to hear from me.  I'm a horrible addition to their life.  It hurt. 

I admit all of these feelings are not only about this one person.  Most of it goes back to 2 previous relationships that to this day I mourn.  It is those breakups that set me up for this one.  Instead of letting this person in completely and accepting what this person could give, I made them pay for not being what I needed.  This person would pull away and I would give space and then return and I would make them pay for their absence by being mean.  It was a nasty pattern that I couldn't see until it was over.  Now it's over.  I broke my own heart by not really being open.  What to do next?  Unclear but then life is a work in progress so let's see . . .

Thursday, May 31, 2018

So much life

It has been well over a year since I posted.  The last 3 months have been crazy let along the previous 20 months or so since I defended my dissertation.

I guess I'll start and just try to cover the big pieces of news:

1 - Dec 27, 2016, I gave birth to a daughter.  Her social media name is #BabyLala.  #Gymgirl loves her dearly and calls her an answer to her prayers.  Lala is amazing and so different from Gymgirl.  I love watching them interact and watching Lala develop into an amazing child.

2 - Snoopy dog was hit by a car and quickly passed on to dog heaven back in March.  Unfortunately, we were on a family walk and we saw the whole thing happen.  Gymgirl was totally lost in grief for many days.  It hurt to lose him.  For now, we are pet-less.  Which is good considering the next piece of news

3 - My dad has stage 3 rectal cancer.  We are in the process of getting him treatment but this is no easy task since he has no health insurance.  The struggle is beyond real at this point.  As a family, we are taking it in stride.  I am in charge of paperwork and making appointments.  DH is doing the majority of the driving for appointments.  The girls are surviving but Baby Lala has always stayed with my dad so being dropped off to other people for care has been hard on her.  My mom is taking it as well as can be expected.  I can see she is stressed and she is smoking more and running off to bingo to keep herself distracted.

Between the end of the school year, the start of the cancer journey with dad, and some health problems for other family members, I feel pretty drained and at a few points at my breaking point.  In the last 2 months, I have gone back to roller derby and running for stress relief.  Rather than go back to my old team, I have joined to other ladies in starting a fresh league.  It has been glorious as stress relief.  I have faith that my dad's journey will go according to God's plan and that I can survive whatever else comes my way.

I'll probably be blogging more just to give myself a way to log this new life journey.  In case you don't know, cancer sucks and the American healthcare system sucks too.

Friday, October 28, 2016

Paging Dr. MLC

In case the title of the post doesn't give it away, I passed my dissertation defense last Wednesday!  I can officially use the title of Dr.  Depending on when the baby is actually born will determine if I walk in December or not.  I predict a full-moon baby, which would mean Dec 14th.  As long as I have a natural zero complications childbirth then I should be good to walk in the graduation on Dec 17th but we'll have to wait and see. 

Going back to dissertation defense for a moment, it was a total let down!  I had to ask if I had passed because there was no big congratulations Dr. or yes you passed.  I honestly thought I had failed and had to present/defend again.  Apparently that is the MO of my dissertation chair.  I asked a friend that had the same chair and graduated back in May and he said he felt the exact same way.  He had to ask if he had passed too. 

As I have settled into the idea of having passed I'm slowly changing my email signatures and remembering to let people know that I actually am a doctor now.  Seems strange and weird.  I have another chapter to write for the dissertation along with some changes here and there to make it better but the title is mine!  WOW!  I can't believe I did it.  I'm only two semesters behind schedule.  May graduation would have put right on target for completing my degree "on time" but December is nothing to sneeze at.  There are lots of people who never finish! 

So there you have it.  I'm a doctor of education.  It all started with deciding to have a home birth.  That one decision moved me into a new tribe of people and ultimately into educational research.  Gymgirl changed my entire life and career.  I can't wait to see where this new baby, Spud, leads me.  

Thursday, June 2, 2016

Big news and allergy testing

So I have big news!  After several years of trying to get okay with the idea of having only one child, I'm pregnant!  Yep a totally unexpected unplanned pregnancy that mirrors the first one in a eerie fashion.  We took a pregnancy test on the exact same date as 7 years previous.  I first vomited on the same day 7 years ago.  We did announce it about a week earlier this time around.  Gymgirl has been happily telling everyone she sees.  She wants a sister.  I want a healthy baby.  DH wants a girl.  We'll see.

Yesterday for the first time in a long time I was wandering the aisle of the grocery store lost.  Gymgirl's allergy test results came back.  She has about 20 food sensitivities.  Her sensitivities seem to run opposite of DH's allergies.  Gymgirl is sensitive to chicken but DH is allergic to beef and pork.  Both have issues with wheat and gluten.  Gymgirl has one true food allergy and it was one that I never suspected: eggs.

So yesterday we dropped Gymgirl off at her piano lesson and we headed to the store to find things for dinner.  I wanted chicken nuggets, well considering the new information that went out the window.  DH and I were both staring at the meat case just lost.  DH has not cook pork chops in close to 15 years.  We always grab chicken since it was safe for him and now we have to wrap our minds around Gymgirl's food limitations too.  While Gymgirl is a good eater and usually game for trying new things, like most 6 years olds, she eats a limited number of things, ie chicken nuggets, hamburgers, mac and cheese.

While eggs are the number one concern, as the doctor said that is a true allergy cut it out completely, Gymgirl had so many sensitivities.  It seems all the things she loves to eat are the things making her breakout and stay sick.  She's sensitive to cheddar cheese, broccoli, cantaloupe, peanuts, and soy.  The list is longer but those were the ones that stuck out to me.  I know we can do it.  We can clean her diet and hopefully be able to reintroduce those foods back but right now it feels like being slapped in the face. 

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Best gift ever

The other day I was talking to a friend and he mentioned some gifts that he had bought an old girlfriend and that got me thinking over the last 20 years DH has bought me lots of gift, which one was the best?
I can be very picky while really not caring about what I get as a gift.  I hate flowers.  I don't really eat candy.  I like things that are very practical.  I want things that are useful.  DH hates it.  So on to the best gift.
The best gift I have gotten from DH over the last 20 years has to be the very first birthday gift he ever got me.  I'll never forget opening that gift of brand new ASICS-Gel shoes.  I think they were 7's or whatever the latest model was back in the day, 1996.  They were the most expensive gift I had ever received to that point in my life. 
Thinking back on those shoes, I think it set us up for a good pattern.  DH has supported my need to exercise and run from the very beginning.  Roller derby, yoga, and running have all be phases of my life in the last 20 years.  I like to work-out and while DH seems to hate it he is still 100% behind me.  Anyways a random post from random me.

Monday, November 16, 2015


I haven't written since I took my new job since one there isn't really time and it is difficult to know what is safe to discuss in a public arena.  This incident just has me shaken and I need somewhere to talk it out so to my trusty blog I go.

One Friday I was honored to be asked to speak on a Graduate Student panel to help undergraduate honor student think about their futures.  I took the time to try and catch up on schoolwork which has gone by the way side since I went back to work full-time.

As I was leaving I decided to thank the professor who had invited me and in general check-in since it had been about 6 months since I had seen him last.  In the course of conversation I was told that I poisoned his class.  I was blamed for the lack of A's.  Seriously!  He looked me dead in the face and called me poison.  I did try and argue and back him off the whole idea but still it out there.  I am poison.

I went home and told DH all about it.  Here is the worse part, DH agreed!  He agrees I poisoned the class.  Words have currency and the choice of poison was like a dagger to my ego.  I'm a nice person.  I'm easy to get along with (usually).  But now I just keep hearing that I'm poison.

After thinking it over for 24 hours and still being bother by it, I talked it out with DH some more.  He still thinks I was poison in that class but he made an interesting point.  Why the hell to do I care?  That was over 6 months ago and my grade ain't changing so what is done is done.  According to DH the reason I can't let it go has to do with the who said it rather than the content of what was said.

 I think he is right, of course.  I've been called much worse than poison so why does this one interaction bother me.  I think it felt out of the blue and mean-spirited.  The word was chosen to hurt me.  Six month and the best word the PHD could find was poison!  I thought he thought better of me.  Instead he seems to hate me.  Okay, I guess I'll file that in my trashcan and move on.

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Dissertation and a general update

This has been a weird few weeks.  I started a new job and I am in full swing in dissertation work.  This last semester was quite tough on me.  I had a stats professor that I seemed to connect with on a personal level but not on a stats level so I spent a lot of time trying to teach myself stats which meant very little time for dissertation work.  I ended up with a B.  I'm not happy about it but this professor did push me to be nicer to myself, the whole negative self-talk thing I do.  Just like DH, the stats professor would get on to me about my negative words toward myself.  I think I am getting a little better about it or at the very least I am more aware of it and trying to turn my words around to the positive. 

Dissertation writing has been an interesting process.  In theory you have to write about 200 pages for your dissertation.  In theory you have about 75 pages or so ready when it is time to defend your dissertation proposal.  I turned in about 67 pages when I sent in my request for a dissertation chair.  I got my first pick and he replied in about 9 hours which is amazing!  My dissertation chair is a man I really respect and most day I'm just in awe of him.  He is like the creator of the idea of the scholar-practitioner so I feel like I won the lottery!  I sent out requests/invitations for my dissertation committee today.  If they all agree then I'll have a committee of four.  If someone does not accept then we'll go back to the drawing board and see who else would be a good fit given who has accepted. 

Gymgirl had an amazing couple of month in kindergarten and will moving on to the first grade next year.  It was not an easy decision to make.  She is not technically old enough for 1st grade, missing it by five months, but leaving her in kinder would be a disservice to her.  She is reading at about a 3rd grade level and while her handwriting is a bit shaking, she is mature enough to handle herself with the slightly older children so we are letting her try it out.  I consulted with derby sisters and with doctoral cohort members and they all agree let her move on.  Maybe this will prove to be a disaster but since when does age dictate skill?

DH and I are super busy with both of us working full-time.  DH is still involved with Standpipe Coffee and Black Spot Tattoo so he works a full-time plus a part-time job.  Me, I'm working full-time plus motherhood, doctoral work, roller derby, and life as it comes at me.  In other words life is good.

Us with The Shiz 'cause why not!