Friday, December 14, 2018


Several years back I was talking with someone at the coffeeshop about needing to make some money but I'm too chunky to make any money as a hooker.  This person then told me that I would make an excellent escort.  According to him, the men who call escorts are generally lonely and looking for companionship not sex.  The guys after sex go to streetwalkers.  Escorts provide the girlfriend experience and that with my personality I would be perfect for that.  "All you have to do is talk, maybe shake your titties a little bit and come home with money."

Well I feel like I learned a lot in that conversation.  One that streetwalkers don't need to talk and two that my listening skills might in fact be profitable.  If you are a long time reader then you know that I'm a shy introvert with an energy that calls the hurting.  DH say I draw in the crazies.  I hate calling strangers crazies but they do tend to tell me all of their dark secrets so maybe crazy is the right name for them.  I tend to try to hide in a corner (everybody puts Martha in a corner) and yet somehow I will end up listening to the deep dark secrets of random strangers.  But that is the topic of many other blog posts back to this one.

So all of that to get to Friendscorts.  I was recently rewatching Pushing Daisies and I rediscovered the "Frescorts" episode.  Basically, the episode is centered around a rent-a-friend business.  I really like the idea.  I'm in a friendless era at the moment (okay I have friends they just all live 4+ hours away or are so busy being winner that I can't get facetime with them) and you can't make friends by staying in your house but I'm so shy I can't make myself go out by myself.  Well, I'm actually okay going to do something by myself but I'm not going to be out and about in a way that means I meet people.  I go to things like the movies or skating or running.  Basically, if I leave the house I'm doing so while actively avoiding meeting people.  With a "friend" I feel more open to meeting people.  Basically I need a friendscort so I can attempt to make friends.

If  I know I'm meeting someone then I go into places/events with a mind to meeting and talking to strangers.  People like to talk to me but I have to be in the right mindset to actually talk to them.  If I'm paying someone to hang out with me then I know they will show up.  No lame excuses or running so late I'm on my way back home and have to turn around.  If I'm paying then I expect you to be on time.  When would I call a friendscort?  These would be last minute calls.  I'm bored and have a free hour, time to call the Rent-A-Friend and go for a run.  I'm feeling sad and want to go dancing - call Rent-A-Friend!  I don't want people to mess with me while I am writing at the coffee shop, I need Rent-A-Friend! 

Friendship requires work and an investment of time.  Brene Brown writes about how important it is to respect people's time because it is our only personal non-renewable resource.  Time is something that is limited for all of us.  Because I'm shy and an introvert, I don't always have the energy for people at the right time.  I want to leave the house and go dancing, skating, running, rock climbing, drink coffee, have pizza, or go bar hopping but everyone I know locally and elsewhere is busy and working their asses off.  I don't have any loser friends that I can call at the last minute to do something.  The people I know require plans, dates, and appointments.  I don't think there is anything worse than forcing myself to go out on a planned date when I just want to sit and read.  Actually that's not true, it is worse to be sitting at home wishing someone would invite me to something at the last minute and instead spiralling into shame that I'm such an awful human being that no one even thinks to invite me to things. 

I need a Rent-A-Friend.  No long term commitments or investments just someone to hang with.  It sounds so easy.  Unlike real friends, with a Rent-A-Friend I know I have a "friend" for as long as I pay for.  No one telling me I suck because I cancel plans or I'm too mean or I don't have enough good points to make up for my bad ones.  The expectations are known and met.  The Rent-A-Friend contract spelled out clearly.  No expectations for band practice later, no feeling guilty for not attending some party the next day.  Rent-A-Friend is here and now.  Tomorrow is a different person, a different mood, a blank slate.  Okay, there is also no real connection, no real courage used, just empty conversation but sometimes you get to the point where an empty container still feel better than an empty hand.  The effect is the same but it does feel different.

Wednesday, December 12, 2018

Wordless Wednesday - Curly Adventures Week 4

Friday, December 7, 2018

Looking for experiences not stuff

For the last 5 years or so, I make a public list of things I would like for Christmas.  I call it "All I want for Christmas" and each day on my Facebook page I post something I would like.  I started doing this because I had a now no longer Facebook "friend" who was complaining about all of the Thanksgiving/Gratitude posts in November.  Now in November I do post something I am thankful for daily.  The ex-friend is bitter and in general a real downer so I had to cut them loose but that got me thinking that we do tend to only post things are a Thankful for in November and it can seem disingenuous.  So to be a bitch, I started the "All I want for Christmas" list.

Now this list has been going for 5 years so obviously I like posting it.  Not only did I start posting it because I am a bitch but also to shut DH up.  He loves to say I'm hard to shop for.  Now yes, if you ask me directly what I want I do usually say nothing.  Really, I'm blessed and my needs are met.  As far as wants, I have tons but I always feel so selfish asking for anything for myself.  Spend the money on the poor, spend it on someone in need, don't worry about me.  But anyways, this way everyone had access to a list of about 23 things I want.

For the most part my list focuses on things.  I do end up getting several things off my list each year.  I make sure my list covers items that are from a variety of price ranges from like $500 to free.  I want to create a list that makes life for others easy.  If you want to buy me something, here is the list.  I also pick things that I want not really need.  That was DH's other complaint, I'm too practical with my list.  I usually want a new vacuum cleaner or some other appliance.  What can I say I'm practical. 

This last year has been rough.  I have learned a good bit about myself in the process of surviving 2018.  One of those lessons has been that I don't self-care enough.  I have neglected myself so much that I don't even know where to start to repair and rejuvenate.  My soul is weary.  So as part of that idea, I'm putting more experiences on my list.  I want coffee-dates.  I want to go out dancing.  I want to share my wheel of brie with friends.  I want to leave the house with a purpose that isn't work or doing for the kids.  I want to get my hair done (which I haven't had done since February!).  I want to go get a mani/pedi.  I want to try new food.  I want to learn how to play and not feel guilty. 

I doubt I do anything from that list above.  I will hopefully get my hair done soon or I'll just take scissors to it myself.  I have to chop off like 4 inches.  It is just too long.  I'll probably just keep taking myself for coffee.  Really, I don't ever expect anyone to do for me and so I'm never disappointed.  Maybe I should be disappointed.  Maybe that is my problem.  Anyways . . .

Tuesday, December 4, 2018

Damn it Brene!

I just started listening to Brene Brown's Dare to Lead.  I bought Rising Strong but managed to lose my copy before ever reading it and I restarted Daring Greatly but now that I'm commuting daily, I decided to listen to Brene.  She is already making me rethink and re-evaluate my last few blogs.  Damn it Brene!

So Brene teaches about vulnerability.  She is amazing and if you haven't read her work, do it!  I know I struggle with connection.  I live in a pit of shame and hustling for worthiness.  I try not to.  I really do until it is just too hard or life is too busy and then I give up and fall down the shame spiral. 

Dare to Lead is focused on being a leader.  I left my last position because I had honestly lead that organization as far as I could with my skills as the time.  I wanted to dare greatly and lead with my whole heart and I did for awhile.  Then I stopped having boundaries and then I got in over my head.  I can see that now.  I can see when I stopped being a leader and started hustling for worthiness.  I know I can do and be better because it is already inside of me. 

Part of this dare to lead thing and wholehearted living is connection.  I want to connect to and with people.  As a shy introvert, I already feel like I am at a disadvantage because I struggle to just speak to new people.  After these last few months, I had decided to give up on making new friends, new connections and just focus on me and then Damn it Brene! 

As I was listening to Brene as I drove home and she mentioned connections and connecting to people.  We have to be open to connection if we are going to live courageously.  I feel like all of my attempts at connection over the last five years have been nothing but me being open and then getting slapped.  Now that isn't true of everyone I've met over the last five years but enough to make me want to give up on the whole connecting thing.  Part of me wants to just focus on reconnecting with old friends and rebuilding those friendships; I miss my marble jar peeps.  But those are all people who live far away.  Now that I'm in a new job, I need to be open to new people and new connections, which means new failures. 

I know I can do it.  I know that I can be open.  I know that stepping into the arena means being open to failure.  Okay, Brene, let's do this.  Let's get the shit kicked out of us by connection.