Thursday, November 20, 2014

I'm dropping the band and keeping the bass

If you have ever watch Wonderfalls then the title is a take one of the episodes.  Anyways I've left the band.  It was a difficult call to make but I feel so much better now that it is out there.  It is hard to describe exactly what happened but in the end, I just wasn't comfortable being at practice.  Honestly I should have dropped out about three months ago but the timing just seemed wrong. 

This is one of those when do you let go sort of things.  I was happy being in the band intially.  I loved being in a band and the thrill of being on stage but when you don't feel safe being in the safe space as someone else then it's time to move on.  I hated to let go.  I knew there would be no going back but why tip toe around issues?  Beside this way hopefully the band will continue and I'm so busy on my Mission Pass Minimum Skills and dissertation is on the horizon that leaving was the best option.  I could air dirty laundry but what would be the point?  Talking to the wrong people about personal issues is why I stopped feeling safe in the first place.  The only thing to say in the end is that it is difficult to field Gymgirl's questions about why we haven't been to band practice and how she misses seeing everyone.  I'll take the blame since everyone seems to want to hand it to me in the first place.  Who knows maybe it was all my fault but given all of my studies and life experience I think there was more than one party blame.  Well anyways, I'm dropping the band and keeping the bass, for now at least.

Picture is from our last gig.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Derby girl in the making

So I started going to the local rec league roller derby when it started back in September.  I went because I was invited and DH was in San Francisco; I figured I could stay at home and cry about  DH being gone or I could get off my ass and try something new.  I got off my ass.

I was not committed at first but in the time since my first practice I've really grown to love derby.  I love the workout.  I love the different ladies that come out and practice.  The atmosphere is supportive.  I push myself.  I feel apart of something bigger than myself while being able to see that I am a vital piece.  I call it the Sisterhood of Sweat and that is exactly what it feels like.  It is a sisterhood.  Everyone pushing each other and supporting each other and working together.

So far I have bought myself some pretty elemental gear.  Derby is more expensive than running for sure but I don't think I realized how much I missed being on a team.  Running is solo work; derby is teamwork.  I have a new to me pair of Riddle R3s, which are starter speed skates.  I hope to upgrade in a few months.  I just upgraded to a Sisu mouthguard!  I'm very excited!  I have Triple 8 wrist guards.  I'm using Shawn White elbow and knee pads; these I need to upgrade next!  The knee pads don't fit at all.  I can barely keep them on.  So all in all I've spent just under $200 in gear and I'm looking at dropping another $100 or so in the near future for better pads and new wheels. 

Our rec league is affiliated with the East Texas Bombers and we are lucky to have two bombers run our practice, SoHo and MC2.  I think part of the appeal of derby for me is that for once I'm not alone in believe I can do this.  It honestly feels like each lady that comes out believes that we can all do this derby thing.  When SoHo yells at me to push just a bit harder or that I got this, I believe she means it.  I got this.  I can see where each lady fits.  I can see where I fit.  I belong and I fit in.  I love derby!

Anyways, I have no derby name yet.  I'm playing around with a few.  I think I'm going to have people vote on my derby name on Facebook just to see what happens.  Since this goes out to the whole world I won't be posting all the details of practice and such but dropping me an email or look us up on Facebook for more details and come out and play derby with us!


Thursday, October 16, 2014

When are you going to have another baby?

So I'm 35 and have one child.  No this was not my plan.  I had planned to have 4 kids and I would have been done having them last year.  Some how my plans did not get properly transmitted to the Big Guy Upstairs and my plans didn't come to pass.  I'm getting good with it.  I'm not totally good with it but I'm getting there.

I get asked the dreaded question, when are you going to have another one?, and I'm getting tired of answering it.  Why do people care about the status of my uterus?  Have I screwed up so badly with GymGirl that they are trying to see if I'll do better next time?  Why do people ask?

As far as I can see GymGirl will be an only child.  So not my plan!  I know I'm in good company with other fabulous mothers who only have one child.  But yes it hurts to think I'm done at one.  We've been trying for a while and nothing.  I'm pretty sure I've had at least one very early miscarriage but otherwise no baby.

I don't want to tell random people my uterus business.  Why do random people ask?  Seriously you just met me and you want to know when I'm having another one.  Why do people bypass me and ask my daughter if she wants a baby brother or sister?  Like this isn't hard enough without extra pressure of a child asking for you to reproduce.

I'm no where near out of options.  We haven't been to a specialist.  We have even put a baby to the back burner until after I become Dr. Wheatless Mama.  I'm 35 and healthy.  In my family babies after 40 are pretty common.  If a baby is in my future still then I'll happily embrace that future but if I'm one and done then I'm getting good with that too.

Being Catholic the implication to only one child is that I'm using artificial birth control.  People have a hard time believing that some women, Mexican women in particular, have a hard time getting pregnant.  I use NFP, Natural Family Planning.  We have since we got married and God's plan so far is for us to have only one child. 

I am running out of patience and not super personal answers.  I don't want to lie or be rude but seriously what the hell kind of answer do you expect?  Like I'm going to announce to a perfect stranger that actually I'm pregnant now but we haven't told anyone.  What exactly do people want to know when they ask that question?  Anyways this was mostly a rant.  Moving on . . .

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Exoskeleton of Support

So the band I'm in played a benefit gig a few weeks back.  I noticed many people stayed outside but told us we sounded great.  I think the idea was that they were being supportive but it was just too loud for them.  They had a our back though.  I've been sitting with this idea a while and I'm still quite confused by the whole thing.

How can you sit outside and still be supportive?  If I don't walk in to place, is my declaration of support still valid?  This brings to mind all of the online petitions that get passed around.  Those are the very least we can do.  If I am doing the bare minimum am I actually doing anything? 

I am very much a get off your ass type of person.  If I believe in something and I can do something to help then I try my best to get off my ass and help.  I've cleaned up "bad" neighborhoods.  I've played games with seniors in a nursing home.  I've attended punk rock shows even then I think they are too loud and I'm too old.  I've gone to events in other cities to be supportive of the organization even when I didn't know any of the performers.  Can you be supportive if you never get up?

I keep thinking about the idea of shop local, support downtown, buy organic and those such movements.  DH owns a coffeeshop in downtown Lufkin.  I ask people to buy local and support downtown.  I changed to a beautyshop downtown.  I try to buy clothes in downtown but I don't really have much luck since I'm a lady of a certain size.  I want others to be downtown so I'm downtown.  Should I be doing more?  I guess we can usually do more. 

Where is the line of support?  Can my online signature do anything?  Does my dollar do as much as me getting off my ass actually helping build a habitat for humanity house?  Can I say I'm supporting something, a business, a musician, an artist, but sit outside?  I have no answers and mixed up feelings.