A few years back during my doctoral studies, we read a book titled, "Significance of Place" by Kincheloe and Pinar. The basic jest is that where in the world we grow up, the place plays a role in how we are raised.
Going into popular culture, there is a scene in "Music and Lyrics" were Drew Barrymore's character is writing music lyrics and she is debating the use of the word corners instead of spaces. She wanted to give boundaries. She wanted a better visual.
Okay so now to the point, I have been either sick, dealing with sickness, or working for the last 6 weeks. It was like I ran Tejas at the end of September, jetted off to Indy for a conference, and then disappeared into my house. So last Saturday, I decided to officially leave my introverted space and rejoin the world. I went out for coffee and then skating. Trust me, I should have done one or the other, not both. Recovery from pneumonia sucks but then you just read that post so you know that part already.
But back to the point, to start off my day of self-care, I posted a picture of my coffee and scone at Java Jacks with the caption, "I am officially leaving my hiding space so hit me up." I almost used the word place but switched to space. Why? The more I reflexed on my word choice, I found myself thinking about "Music and Lyrics" and "Significance of Place." A place is a fixed space. My hiding place would be my house or my office. It has an address and I can guide you there; however, a space is more nebulous. It could have an address but not necessarily.
As an introvert, I am very good about hiding myself in a crowd. I can turn inward into my own mind and look like I'm part of the crowd but really I'm far away. I'm in my hiding space. I have a few friends that understand my need for my hiding space. They don't get offended when I suddenly grab my phone and space out for a minute. There are just times, I am overwhelmed with input and just need to hide. There are times that a minute will do. There are times that I won't communicate personally with anyone for weeks at a time outside of posting on social media.
To post that I am leaving my hiding space means that I am open to seeing people and to be seen by people. I am in a headspace for difficult conversations. Let me tell you, September was full of tough conversations and I was pretty glad to be forced into hiding. I thought I had plans with a friend that suddenly just went MIA. Honestly, I was looking forward to that conversation but when he just disappeared I spun into a shame spiral that I had been circling and managed to avoid until I couldn't escape the internal dialog of "See, everyone hates you. X is avoiding you. And you just had that fight with A and S also seems to be avoiding you. Your good doesn't outweigh your bad. You don't deserve friends."
Once I jump into the spiral I just seemed to keep being buried again and again. I finally made some plans to leave the house and then sickness hit the house. Then as I was recovering I entered the hardest weeks of the semester. I had no energy for anything. The struggle is real and dangerous. I feel like I don't deserve love or friends so then I avoid everyone which of course only reinforces the feeling that I don't deserve love or friends since no one wants to see me but no one wants to see me because I am refusing to be seen. And the spiral of shame sucks me in deeper but add to that the illness and work and you begin to have a situation were professional help might be called for. At this point, I have learned to stop the dialog for an in-depth analysis. Is it true that X is avoiding me? Probably but maybe he is busy. Did you lose A? Probably but if she can't have an honest conversation do you really want her? Is S avoiding you or am I just hiding so that she can't find me? Then I list the people that love me. Then Baby Lala demands hugs and kisses and I can see that I was just exhausted. I couldn't see the truth because I was just exhausted. Now that I've had a chance to rest and see the completion of some projects, I can be seen again.
I can't exactly say I can breathe again, fucking pneumonia, but I can see the end of the tunnel and I feel bright again. I'm no longer a cloud of darkness and therefore I am fit to be around people. Maybe my bad doesn't outweigh my good but that's cool. I'll hang out with my fellow badass bitches and we'll fill with space with love, laughter, and light.
Going into popular culture, there is a scene in "Music and Lyrics" were Drew Barrymore's character is writing music lyrics and she is debating the use of the word corners instead of spaces. She wanted to give boundaries. She wanted a better visual.
Okay so now to the point, I have been either sick, dealing with sickness, or working for the last 6 weeks. It was like I ran Tejas at the end of September, jetted off to Indy for a conference, and then disappeared into my house. So last Saturday, I decided to officially leave my introverted space and rejoin the world. I went out for coffee and then skating. Trust me, I should have done one or the other, not both. Recovery from pneumonia sucks but then you just read that post so you know that part already.
But back to the point, to start off my day of self-care, I posted a picture of my coffee and scone at Java Jacks with the caption, "I am officially leaving my hiding space so hit me up." I almost used the word place but switched to space. Why? The more I reflexed on my word choice, I found myself thinking about "Music and Lyrics" and "Significance of Place." A place is a fixed space. My hiding place would be my house or my office. It has an address and I can guide you there; however, a space is more nebulous. It could have an address but not necessarily.
As an introvert, I am very good about hiding myself in a crowd. I can turn inward into my own mind and look like I'm part of the crowd but really I'm far away. I'm in my hiding space. I have a few friends that understand my need for my hiding space. They don't get offended when I suddenly grab my phone and space out for a minute. There are just times, I am overwhelmed with input and just need to hide. There are times that a minute will do. There are times that I won't communicate personally with anyone for weeks at a time outside of posting on social media.
To post that I am leaving my hiding space means that I am open to seeing people and to be seen by people. I am in a headspace for difficult conversations. Let me tell you, September was full of tough conversations and I was pretty glad to be forced into hiding. I thought I had plans with a friend that suddenly just went MIA. Honestly, I was looking forward to that conversation but when he just disappeared I spun into a shame spiral that I had been circling and managed to avoid until I couldn't escape the internal dialog of "See, everyone hates you. X is avoiding you. And you just had that fight with A and S also seems to be avoiding you. Your good doesn't outweigh your bad. You don't deserve friends."
Once I jump into the spiral I just seemed to keep being buried again and again. I finally made some plans to leave the house and then sickness hit the house. Then as I was recovering I entered the hardest weeks of the semester. I had no energy for anything. The struggle is real and dangerous. I feel like I don't deserve love or friends so then I avoid everyone which of course only reinforces the feeling that I don't deserve love or friends since no one wants to see me but no one wants to see me because I am refusing to be seen. And the spiral of shame sucks me in deeper but add to that the illness and work and you begin to have a situation were professional help might be called for. At this point, I have learned to stop the dialog for an in-depth analysis. Is it true that X is avoiding me? Probably but maybe he is busy. Did you lose A? Probably but if she can't have an honest conversation do you really want her? Is S avoiding you or am I just hiding so that she can't find me? Then I list the people that love me. Then Baby Lala demands hugs and kisses and I can see that I was just exhausted. I couldn't see the truth because I was just exhausted. Now that I've had a chance to rest and see the completion of some projects, I can be seen again.
I can't exactly say I can breathe again, fucking pneumonia, but I can see the end of the tunnel and I feel bright again. I'm no longer a cloud of darkness and therefore I am fit to be around people. Maybe my bad doesn't outweigh my good but that's cool. I'll hang out with my fellow badass bitches and we'll fill with space with love, laughter, and light.
