Ravebaby (okay let's change it to GymGirl from here on out) just made the gymnastics team. She's four and they have a new pre-competition squad; basically they are being groomed for the tougher "real" team. We started at Tall Timbers when the gym first opened almost 2 and half years ago. GymGirl is one of the original students. I remember when she would be told to jump and she just lifted her heels. The office lady said it the other day, "from diaper bug to team, she's come a long way."
GymGirl is super excited about team. I'm not so excited about the cost but for GymGirl I would do just about anything. I never saw myself as a Gym Mom. I excepted a daughter who wanted to do karate or be a drummer and I know there is still plenty of time ahead for those things. I'm nervous about the commitment we've all made. Not just money but time. Meets are on Saturdays (GymGirl will have 5 next Spring so much for pre-competition) and I'm still working on this doctorate. I'm also looking at returning to work full-time which complicates homeschooling a bit. I know everything will work itself out. I must trust in God's plan but I'm still wondering What the Flip just Happened!
I originally posted this on my tumblr but the more I thought about it I realized it belonged here. Why hide on tumblr? I've always been open and honest so here is another open and honest piece.
So DH keeps getting on to me about calling myself fat. He tells me I’m beautiful. I believe he is telling the truth according to his view point. He asked why I still don’t believe it. So why don’t I believe I’m beautiful? Good question and here are some thoughts:
1. If I’m beautiful then why didn’t anyone look like me on tv? I would think as least one show would feature a lady that is beautiful like me instead of just skinny hags.
2. If DH could only see the kids I get when I’m not next to him. The looks of disgust on many a person’s face. The whispers about how dare I wear x or y.
3. My mom on my birthday this year called me fat. This is pretty much a weekly occurrence, in my childhood it was closer to daily. It is so fucking hard to take that voice out of your head.
So I’m beautiful, okay. I know many realities exist at once. In DH’s reality I’m beautiful. In my mom’s reality, I’m fat. In my reality, I struggle.
Just a side note, my mom is great. I love her dearly and most of the time being called fat is more of a term of endearment. Being Mexican being called "Gordita" means more like I see you and love you the way you are instead of just meaning Fatty (which is the literally translation of the word).
This weeks topic hits close to home. I eat my feelings. I feel great, time to eat. I feel sad, time to eat. I feel nothing, time to eat. I'm not sure why I connect eating with my feels so closely but I do. I try to exam my hunger and eating. I check in with myself.
I feel like I should begin keeping a diary for why I eat. At this point in my life, I am noticing I eat when I'm bored. Instead of starting a project, I tend to sit and eat. I totally catch myself searching for food knowing I"m not hungry but bored. I'm trying to do other things, like read (which by the way I very rarely eat while doing this task).
Is it any wonder my weight is over the top? Strangely since I started hanging with the Mamavation Sistas I've lost about three inches around my underbust area and about 2 around my waist. My weight on the other hand keeps going up. I have no clue what is going on with that!
I took my first zumba-like class today. I had fun and I plan to continue with the classes. I play bass, I have birthed a black child, and I still can't find the flipping beat! Anyways that is my check-in for the week!