Job searching when you aren't good enough

Let me start by saying, yes I love Brene Brown and yes I'm good enough.  Honestly whatever, this isn't a post about my worth but my job search.  So read or don't, this is a pity party. 

I'm about 6 weeks into my job search.  I've had a couple of interviews.  So far I haven't heard about moving to the 2nd round of anything.  Mostly the airwaves are silent.  They are silent and I'm stuck at home.  This is a horrible combination for me.  This is when self-doubt increases, self-worth decreases, mean as a snake self-talk takes over.

Last night DH had to spend a good two hours trying to convince me that my professional career hasn't been a waste or mistake.  He truly believes I haven't peaked yet that I have some good to do in the world.  See, I look at the past 21 years since high school graduation and see so much struggle.  So much work and swimming against the current that I think/feel maybe I've been wrong.  Maybe instead of college and graduate school and such, I was just supposed to be a maid.  Maybe what I need to do now is just wipe my resume to that one Christmas season at Old Navy and just work as a custodian. 

See, I have had like 50ish professors between all of my college and graduate school studies and I've never been encouraged to do research or write.  The fact is my classmates were and this evidence leads me to think that the professors, professional evaluators of our chances to add to the field, clearly see that I don't belong there.  These are the same type of people looking my work over saying "Nope, not her" when it comes to jobs in Academia that I am trying for.  I see and hear from other classmates amazing opportunities that pursue them, find them, invitations for conferences, prizes, research; me, nothing.  Last night I told DH that I am that person in the middle of the room covered in gold and no one sees me. 

Given the evidence, maybe I've been wrong this whole time.  I've been trying to live above my station.  Maybe my fate really is to be a maid and it is time to stop swimming so hard and just go with the flow.  Maybe being a high school librarian was my peak and now is the time to work some hourly job with no benefits, long hours, and zero responsibility.

DH says I'm just getting to the start line.  I need to be patient.  That just because no one has seen me yet doesn't mean I'm invisible.  He is a good guy.  He sees me as gold instead of pyrite. 

I don't mind working hard.  I don't mind waiting.  I'm just looking at the evidence before me. 

20 min run next to public enemy #1

Okay so it wasn't that bad.  The dude is actually very nice but today he and some really old dude had to talk about Trayvon Martin.  These dudes were white (point of fact).  They were both in agreement that Trayvon probably deserved it and that the other dude was justified in shooting.  I wanted to puke.  I had just started my 20 min run and I was struggling to push myself to run and here these guys are talking about how some kid deserved to die because he was in a hoodie in a place he shouldn't have been and that the media was using a baby picture to make the other guy seem horrible. 

I've purposely avoided talking about Trayvon.  It hurts to think about it.  I'm a mom.  My husband is black and that means, God willing, that I'll have a son who is black.  DH and I plan to live in a "nice" neighborhood.  I can't think about it without thinking it could happen to me.  I could be Trayvon's mom.  DH loves to wear a hoodie.  In fact he usually dresses as the Uni-bomber for Halloween in a dark gray hoodie.  Since when does what you wear determine whether or not you live?  Have we gotten to the point that life means so little? 

So today I ran 20 mins.  I didn't want to.  The old dudes nearly made me quit.  I had my headphones in and I pretended to be into my run.  I wanted to say something.  Between Fox News on the TV and the dudes next to me, I just wanted to leave.  How do you push to make yourself better when the world seems to only see you by the pigments of your skins?  I can't tell you how many times I've been mistaken as the cleaning lady instead of the teacher/librarian.  I didn't stop.  I kept running.  Every time I wanted to quit I pushed harder.  Rather than let someone who doesn't know me determine my life, I used it to push myself to be better.  I know these old dudes are entitled to their opinion same as me.  Life teaches us to look at things and make judgments based on our own experiences.  None of us know all of the facts in the case so me jumping on some old dude's case wouldn't do anything.  Besides I would have started crying and then I would have lost all creditability.   

So what did I learn today?  I can run 20 mins straight!  I also learned that only I can determine how I do in this life.  I might live to be 100 or die on the way home but my life is just that my life.  I can't be scared to do something because of what someone else might think.  For every person that sees me as the cleaning lady, there are just as many who's life I've changed through teaching or heck just by breathing.  I've got to do me.  Right now I am a wife, mother and a runner in training. 

Today at Standpipe after my run.

Running and feeling shy

So Lent started this last Wednesday; in case you didn't know I'm Catholic.  For my lenten sacrifice I decided to do a running reward system for myself.  Basically if I run then I can go to my favorite coffee spot in town (Standpipe Coffee House).  I like this because I'm tying something I love (Standpipe) with something I want to do more of.  At first I was just going to give up Standpipe, which I can do, but I'm the sort of person that wants to take on as well.  My usual go to lent move is to give up soda.  I've really cut down on my soda intake anyways except for a Vanilla Coke from Standpipe.  I was also running to Standpipe a lot, which was eating my budget. 

I have been wanting to get back to running.  Back in the day I ran cross-country.  I was never any good but I like the time to think.  Running also makes me feel stronger.  I had tried to get back into running shape a few times before but the last time I tried, about 8 months ago, I injured my hip so I've been a bit scared to try.  Wednesday as part of Ash Wednesday I was craving a Vanilla Coke from Standpipe.  By the end of the day, after many Our Fathers and Hail Marys to resist the temptation, I realized that I could blend sacrifice and taking on together.  Thursday morning, I got up and went running.  I'm using Couch-2-5K.  I felt great.  I ran without dying and without killing my hip!  Saturday, I got up and went running.  Day 2 Week 1!  Today I feel great.  The soreness is all but gone and I can't wait to run tomorrow, assuming I can find the time. 

So Friday night, DH and I had a mini-date.  We headed to a new music venue here in Lufkin called The Factory.  There are great people that hang there (and at Standpipe) and they are so cool with themselves.  Me I'm so shy.  I want to be cool.  I want to get out there and dance even when no one else is but I just can't.  I'm a wall flower.  I hate being a wall flower.  I mean people could care less about me and what I"m doing and yet I feel like all eyes are on me.  I think the running will help with the shyness.  If I feel strong and self-confident then I'll feel less wallflower, right?  I will chair-pump!

Sexy

DH and I had a long discussion yesterday after my "Feeling Fat" post.  He of course argued that men don't feel like that.  They don't allow the media in like that.  He's a big guy and if the clothes don't fit he just moves on.  Okay, but men also don't have really have the skinny vs fluffy debate to deal with.  If I want something sexy I have to go to a specialty store.  Big Girls 'R Us ain't on every corner.  A fluffy girl has to know where to shop.  We can't just go into any store and expect to walk out with something.  If the store doesn't have a "Plus-size" "Today's Woman" "Womens" or another random for the fluffy girl term section then you are shit out of luck.  With men tending to buy big, thanks to the horrible show your underwear fashion, they can usually find something even if it is just undershirts.  Not true for the fluffy girl.  If I want something other than perfume, Victoria's secret is not for me.  By the same token, if you want something from Lane Bryant and you are under a size 14, they go nothing for you.  Women are set up in a vs fashion.  Skinny bitches vs Fluffy goddesses; what is up with that!?

Anyways, I'm still on the hunt of a garter belt and stockings.  I've gone to the interwebs and have found a lot of stuff.  I'm a bit worried about the budget but only because I found some to die for steel-bones corsets.  Too bad I don't blog toward fashion or might could talk some of these companies into letting me try and review.  LOL.  The quest continues.

I am sexy.  My clothes don't really mean anything.  My feelings about myself are all in my head and on this blog.  Yes, there are times I feel fat.  There are also times I'm walking around thinking I'm the hottest thing ever.  Most days I'm just happy in my own skin.  So with or without the corset, garter belt, stockings, and sky-high pump, I'm sexy and I know it!

Feeling fat

so yesterday I went to Victoria's Secret.  Needless to say I now feel super fat.  Since losing weight with the wheatfree diet, I've been having a crisis of body image.  Strangely, I was more comfortable being bigger.  I felt sexy.  Now I just don't know how to feel about me.  I'm about a size 16.  Basically I'm back to my high school size, not my high school weight but size.  I feel too fat for "regular" sized clothes but the "plus" sized stuff fit too big.  I'm in a no woman's land. 

As part of my trying to reclaim me, I'm trying to evolve my personal style.  I want to be a bit more pin-up and less sweatpants mom.  I want to feel sexy, strong and beautiful all the time instead of feeling so slouchy.  The make-up I can totally handle.  While I tend to be more clean faced, I love eyeliner.  I am in search of the perfect red lipstick but that is a blog for another day.  I am struggling with the clothes.  I want to wear things fitted but then my muffin top shows.  I want to wear things that are breastfeeding friendly.  I've actually had a lot of luck with that.

One area that is actually working for me is shoes!  Since I have to wear pumps and "fancy" shoes to work, I am finding for the first time in my life I can wear high heels without a problem.  So this leads me to Victoria's Secret.  I love wearing a garter belt and stockings.  They feel sexy.  They are classic pin-up.  It's like a sexy secret since it's under the dress and only I know I have it on.  None of my old garter belts fit and I don't have any stockings so off I got to buy some.  I headed to the Secret in hopes of finding something.  Instead, I left with my ego super bruised.  I feel fat.  Oh well, I'll feel sexy another day.

Scary ain't it :)

Hipster?

So, I've been called many things.  Most recently a hipster.  DH has become obsessed with the concept of being a hipster.  He keeps saying I'm a hipster.  That is so hipster.  See you are a total hipster.

Before I can really decide if I am a hipster, I need to know what the hell is a hipster.  So I googled and here is what I found:
Hipsters are a subculture of men and women typically in their 20's and 30's that value independent thinking, counter-culture, progressive politics, an appreciation of art and indie-rock, creativity, intelligence, and witty banter. 
That is the beginning of the definition on Urban Dictionary.com. 

I am 32 and a woman so I'm fitting the def so far.  Do I value independent thing?  Doesn't everyone?  I don't think I'm counter-culture.  I mean I cloth-diaper, homebirth, and breastfeed but those aren't exactly counter-culture, are they?  Progressive politics, who knows what is progressive these days?  An appreciation of art and indie-rock, I'm pretty with the crowd.  I love pop music; doesn't sound very hipster to me.  Value intelligence and witty banter, again doesn't everyone?  Are there people in this world that think thinking is bad?  And who seeks bad conversation?  If you can banter and have fun talking then why even open your mouth?

At the end of the definition, it mentions a liberal arts degree.  DH has me there.  I do have a BA from my beloved Hollins.  I think having knowledge in a little bit of everything is a good thing.  The definition also has a large section talking about style.  It mentions a couple of stores that I've never been in but then style isn't my thing. 

Am I a hipster?  If I am is that a bad thing?  If I take this label do I lose my hippy label?  I have no clue what to think.  I guess I am a hipster.  I guess it's not a bad thing.  DH does say that hipsters are douches so maybe it is a bad thing.  If that is what he thinks then why would he want to call me that?  Am I a douche?  Think this is a topic that will be coming back.

30 Days to love my natural hair

So I hate curly/wavy hair.  Yeah I said it.  Yeah I know I have wavy hair.  Yeah I know my biracial child has curl beyond curl.  Yes, that is the reason I'm going natural.

I don't know why but I have always wanted straight hair.  To me wavy and curl is not professional and doesn't belong in the office.  That is a Martha issue.  I don't want it to ever be an Audrey issue.  So I'm going natural.  I'm going to love my hair.  I'm going to put up the flat iron and get over myself. 

So today was day 1, I put mousse in my hair and scrunched.  Actually came out pretty good, I was nervous about wearing it to work.  I wanted to flat iron it so badly!  I took a deep breath and out I went.  The boss actually liked it.  I did put a hair barrette in but by the end of the day I was almost digging it.

So what is the point?  Honestly, I hope to learn to love me as I am, waves and all.  I really don't ever want Audrey to look in the mirror and hate her reflection.  How can I expect that from her if I don't feel that way?  Why my hair is an issue to me I really don't know but I'm locking away flat iron and maybe even the blow dryer.  I am already discovering that I need a haircut.  I think I'll get more bounce with a little less length and a few more layers.  I'm thinking I might need different hair products too.  I'm going to do it.  I'm going to go natural and love it, right?