What is a friend?

 So this is a theme for me especially since I moved back to Texas in 2009.  What does it mean to be a friend?  What does is mean to have a friend?

Honestly at the age of almost 44, I still don't really know.  I feel like I have never really used that concept correctly.  If you had asked me today how many friends do I have, my answer would be zero.  But I know that isn't true.  

Here is the thing, like what really makes someone your friend?  I have a friend who lives in California.  I love her.  She truly treats my girls like they are her nieces.  She calls to check on me.  But there is a physical distance that keeps us apart.

I like to think I have local friends but this is the rub, if I can go weeks without seeing them, weeks without them reaching out, never get invited to anything outside of the box I fill, are they my friends?  Maybe what I have are close acquaintances.  On top of that is the feeling of being unthether because I changed jobs in October.  So all of my work friends are gone.  My current space feels at times really hostile and at other times really inviting.  I really feel unbalanced.

Now back to the friendship thing.  I know the problem is me.  Like I have no doubt I'm the issue so if you consider yourself my friend and are really this, it isn't you, it really is me.  Why do I feel so alone and disconnected?  What does the fact that I have people I only see to work out with or people who use me as soundboard mean?  

I do not know the friends of my friends.  I do not get invited to anything outside of running/working-out or to listen to someone's issues.  I don't get invited to parties.  No one mentions going to events together as a group.  I do hear about all of the cool things after but there is not invitation to actually join.  I don't want to be in spaces where I'm not invited.  Again, a me issue.  I don't want to be told well you can come if you want.  Or worse yet, well it is open to everyone so you know you can just show up.  That is not a fucking invitation.  That is your space and if you wanted me there then you would say that, right?

I'm rambling but I'm struggling.  I haven't seen what I thought of as a friendly-face outside of my family and work in 3 weeks.  No telling when if I'll ever see anyone again unless I go begging people for their time.  I hate begging.  I hate having to reach out especially when I'm feeling so raw.

A cup of tea

 I have recently started listening to Bittersweet: How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole by Susan Cain on the recommendation of Brene Brown.  The entire concept of being able to be whole when we are able to experience the sweetness of life along with the bitter really speaks to my soul.  It was in listening to the first chapter that I had a realization about my relationship with tea, the actual drink.

So I have been a long-time hot tea drinker, mostly herbal teas given to me by my Mexican grandmother to obtain healing of one kind or another.  Because it was my grandmother that gave me tea when I was hurting or sick, a cup of hot tea represents caring to me.  Now before this moment I wasn't aware of this connection but it's importance comes into play later so keep reading :)

When I was in college, I became fast friends with a fellow tea drinker.  She came from a British family and of course tea is a big thing in that culture.  When we were in college, she and I would go to the opera and enjoy fancy tea together afterwards. After college when we would get together, we always shared a cup of tea.  She found an amazing blend of Lavender and Earl Grey.  I absolutely loved it and the conversation we would have while drinking tea together.  And then after a very hurtful attacking email, the friendship was over.  On the verge of becoming a mother, my friend attacked my entire way of life.  I lost a friend but I also lost my deep love of tea and the ritual of sharing tea with a friend.  For about 10 years I couldn't stomach the idea of drinking Lavender Earl Grey because the pain was just so deep in my soul.

So a few years back, I met a new friend who is a tea drinker.  Now, in the last almost 12 years since I have been back in Texas, I had all but given up tea in favor of coffee.  It seemed all of my friends were coffee drinkers so outside of the occasional London Fog, I drank fancy coffee drinks.  It is uncomfortable to be the tea drinker among coffee drinkers and compounded by the bitter memories around tea, I saved tea for when I was alone.  I had all but completely stopped drinking tea if I was with anyone.  

Then this new tea drinker in my life.  A massive tea collection to rival any serious tea drinkers stash. This new tea stash to drink my way through if I allow myself to enjoy tea with someone again. 

I guess it has been a couple of weeks now, I was handed a cup of tea.  This cup of tea was perfect.  The perfect temperature.  The perfect brew time.  The perfect amount of sugar.  The perfect amount of cream.  I didn't have to ask for anything.  The perfect cup of tea handed to me just because.  

Part of the start of Bittersweet is analyzing your heart for its base longing.  What is that thing you long for?  That thing you need?  For me, at my core it is to be taken care of, to be shown care without an exchange.  To be loved and careful just because.  When I realized this base longing, it clicked that I was handed a cup of love and care just because.  My base longing was met without me having to do anything in exchange.  No words, no deeds, just because.

I am the oldest of three children with my brothers being twins and only 15 months younger than me.  I wasn't alone with my parents for long and when my brothers came along they required a lot of care and I was moved the role of caregiver.  It was my job to keep my brother safe and make sure they were doing well in school.  We were latch-key kids to very hard working immigrant parents.  So at my core, I often feel overlooked and used.  I am loved for what I can do not just because I am.  Then I up and married a man who loves me dearly but doesn't do a lot o
f celebrations or just because.  He is very practical and I really love him for it but that does mean this base longing just gets pushed to the side.

I was handed a perfect cup of tea.  Tea that means love.  Tea that means caring.  Tea that took me back to the love only a grandmother can really give because when you are bad she can hand you off so she can feel free to spoil you.  A warm hug in a cup.  A cup to soothing liquid to help heal a wound caused by bitter words.  A cup that helps me move on from bitter end of one friendship to the sweet start of being able to trust myself to make new friendships.  So much meaning and need for that perfect cup of tea.

When your heart still misses your soulsister

So today I was scrolling Facebook, taking a mental break between tasks and I saw a post about Bikini Kill reuniting for a tour.  Now I'm not a huge Bikini Kill fan and I never claimed to be so don't start with the hold poser bs.  But I do love Kathleen Hanna and my former bestie soulsister loved them.  We bonded over Kathleen's bio movie back on one of my birthdays.

So back to the post.  So I saw the post and my 1st thought was "Oh yeah, I can't wait to tell Soulsister and even take SwornEnemy." Now obvious I used their real names in my mind but I don't do that here.  Then I was hit with a wave of sadness.  The quick stab of "they don't speak to you anymore." It was not until that moment that I remembered they were gone out of my life.  Like I knew it but for half a second, I didn't, if that makes sense.

Soulsister has been on my mind off and on for the last year anyway.  Something about 2018 being so crappy and lonely that made me really long for the days when I had a person.  For upwards of two years Soulsister was the one person who cheered me on and literally the only person who congratulated me when I got the news I got into my doctoral program.  A fellow introvert and wife of a recovering alcoholic, she knew me in and out.  I like to think that maybe we could be friends again later on but who knows.

The point is that I guess despite my best efforts to forgot people, I knew do.  I pray for them.  Think about them.  Have wonderful conversations with a version of them that lives in my mind.  (We introverts have lots of "conversations that we will never actually have.)  So Bikini Kill is having a reunion tour, maybe DH will go with me.