Tuesday, October 9, 2018

Miscarriage and Assigned Soul

October is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Month.  I've written in a past blog post about losing a pregnancy about 2 years after Gymgirl was born.  If you do the math, there are almost exactly 7 years between my girls.  That was not my plan but that is what happened.  I love my rainbow baby, Baby Lala, but I still think about the one lost between.  To say I spent 9 months terrified I was going to lose the pregnancy is an understatement. 

We have been watching Bones.  DH got GymGirl and I into it.  There was an episode with Cyndi Lauper as a psychic and she was helping a soul cross over.  In that episode, she mentioned to the soul, who was a young teen, all about the life he would have had including 2 children that will now have to find a new way here.  I asked DH if he thought that was the way it worked.  Do we get assigned our best life and then between free will and life itself it turns into other things?  He said yep something like that.  "Then what about the soul we lost?  Was it Lala or someone else? Will he find a new way here?"

Is that the way it works?  Was I tasked with bringing a certain number of souls across and failed at some point?  See the loss is great and doesn't go away.  So much potential, life changing, world saving energy just gone?  If energy isn't created or destroyed then that soul is still around and will find a new way here. 

I'm sure how souls work.  I just know I still the loss.  I have a couple of friends who in recent month have dealt with pregnancy loss.  They have been super open and honest on Facebook about it.  I'm so proud of then.  When I had my miscarriage, we didn't tell anyone for months and only because I had written the blog post.  There was so much shame, like I was a failure as a woman.  I know that wasn't and isn't true.  Only God knows the master plan and I'll just be patient and have faith. 

Wednesday, October 3, 2018

Poverty Paradox

Have you ever looked into joining a "service organization"?  Around here we have Jr. League, Rotary, and Kiwanis, maybe others too but those are the big ones.  In high school, I was a member of Interact, the high school version of Rotary.  These organizations do great work for all types of people and places in our community.   This is not a knock against any of them just an interesting observation.

I recently pulled out of joining the Jr. League because I didn't have the money to join.   The fees were only $125 but that is actually a lot of money for some people,  like me.  Rotary was way more money,  something in the neighborhood of $1000. I have no clue about Kiwanis but im sure they have a membership fee as well.  Of course upit can't forget the required volunteer hours and fundraisers .which you will be expected to buy/spend money on as well. Again,  they do great work and that requires money.

Why join them?   Well it is for networking along with helping in your community.   If you are a new business person then you want/need those connections. Now think if you are a person trying to better your life,  ie get out of poverty, you need connections and networking opportunities. The people in leadership positions in those organizations basically get their businesses "free" press with each project.  They are in the newspaper or TV news all the time.   Think of all of that exposure!  Now think about the membership fee, can you drop that money? 

I honestly can't at the moment.   God willing I'll join Jr. League next year but what about other poor people who want and need the advantages of service organizations?   I find it ironic that the organizations work to end poverty or improve lives but de facto bar the people they claim to help by not having a scholarship or trading
volunteer hours for membership fees option.  

Those organizations don't advertise much as far as growing their numbers.  They are basically you gotta know someone type of thing.  You get invited or your job forces you to go.  Those of us who grew up in poverty didn't have parents running off to Rotary so it isn't really something we think to look for.  Let's be real, they are "White" savior organizations, or at least they were.  The branches around here are getting increasingly more diverse.  As younger generations take over leadership, they are pushing for diversity.  Maybe the scholarships exist if you know the right people.  You personally have a connection and they give you the secret scholarship or membership fee discount.   Again,  it is about who you know.  You have to be in the right crowd to get access to the right crowd,  not so helpful if you are just starting out.

Monday, October 1, 2018

10 miles later

So I did it; I ran 10 miles yesterday!  I felt so lonely, so worthless, so invisible; it was as either run or die.  
Not that I would have actually killed myself but I would have done something self destructive, like 
pull all of my applications or sent an ugly email to the job interview people.

Running is good therapy for me.  It takes a lot of energy to get started and crap-ton 
of will to keep going after the first interval.  But I don't know if it is a runner's high or just my body
 thinking it is closer to death about halfway thru I'll settle in and enjoy the run.

Yesterday miles 6, 7, 8 I actually had negative splits!  Meaning they were my fastest miles and honestly 
it is difficult to get faster in the middle of a long run,  for me anyway. The longer I run the better I feel 
until I'm pushing myself into a new longer distance. By the end of mile 8 (which was my previous 
longest distance) I really felt awesome. I was ready to grab life by the balls and be a total badass.  
Then my mood took a turn around 8.5 miles, I started feeling a tiredness in my legs that took over 
my thoughts. I tried breathing thru the pain. It took everything thing in me to finish. I had to give myself 
permission to slow down. I reminded myself that starting sub-13 min wasn't important,  I just needed to 
accomplish my goal and I could crawl if I needed to.

I didn't need to crawl.  I was hurting and unfortunately my mind had settled back into a negative 
state but at least I could shut that negative voice down a little easier; I mean I am a badass that 
ran 10 miles!  Surely a loser can't do that, right?

Anyways,  a half marathon is really well within my grasp. The race I'm targeting isn't until 
November so still a full month of training.  I'll keep adding miles and that change from awesome
 to suck will hopefully move out further and further so that I'm strong at mile 13.1.  
We'll see how it goes! 

Sunday, September 30, 2018

Job searching when you aren't good enough

Let me start by saying, yes I love Brene Brown and yes I'm good enough.  Honestly whatever, this isn't a post about my worth but my job search.  So read or don't, this is a pity party. 

I'm about 6 weeks into my job search.  I've had a couple of interviews.  So far I haven't heard about moving to the 2nd round of anything.  Mostly the airwaves are silent.  They are silent and I'm stuck at home.  This is a horrible combination for me.  This is when self-doubt increases, self-worth decreases, mean as a snake self-talk takes over.

Last night DH had to spend a good two hours trying to convince me that my professional career hasn't been a waste or mistake.  He truly believes I haven't peaked yet that I have some good to do in the world.  See, I look at the past 21 years since high school graduation and see so much struggle.  So much work and swimming against the current that I think/feel maybe I've been wrong.  Maybe instead of college and graduate school and such, I was just supposed to be a maid.  Maybe what I need to do now is just wipe my resume to that one Christmas season at Old Navy and just work as a custodian. 

See, I have had like 50ish professors between all of my college and graduate school studies and I've never been encouraged to do research or write.  The fact is my classmates were and this evidence leads me to think that the professors, professional evaluators of our chances to add to the field, clearly see that I don't belong there.  These are the same type of people looking my work over saying "Nope, not her" when it comes to jobs in Academia that I am trying for.  I see and hear from other classmates amazing opportunities that pursue them, find them, invitations for conferences, prizes, research; me, nothing.  Last night I told DH that I am that person in the middle of the room covered in gold and no one sees me. 

Given the evidence, maybe I've been wrong this whole time.  I've been trying to live above my station.  Maybe my fate really is to be a maid and it is time to stop swimming so hard and just go with the flow.  Maybe being a high school librarian was my peak and now is the time to work some hourly job with no benefits, long hours, and zero responsibility.

DH says I'm just getting to the start line.  I need to be patient.  That just because no one has seen me yet doesn't mean I'm invisible.  He is a good guy.  He sees me as gold instead of pyrite. 

I don't mind working hard.  I don't mind waiting.  I'm just looking at the evidence before me. 

Saturday, September 29, 2018

Bodypump and getting off my ass

So the last 2 weeks I have been super lazy.  Just one excuse after another for not getting off my ass.  It makes me cranky.  My head gets foggy.  I can't sit still and be okay. 

As a result I am committing to pushing myself to move.  Thursday was HIIT.  Friday I skated a few hours, no skills just moving.  Today I attended a Les Mills Bodypump and CXWORX class.  My arms feel like jello.  I like it.  I need to feel like I am growing and getting stronger.  I spent so much time just surviving, barely keeping my head above water at my last job and in that I lost sight of me.  I got lazy.  I got soft.  I got fuzzy.  I'm done with that.  I need to move.

This is race season.  The problem I'm having with race season is a lack of funding.  Races cost money.  Once you pay to run then you have travel to the race.  Depending on race time you might have to spend the night before.  Universe, I need a job!  There is the Corkscrew Half in a couple of weeks and it is within a nice drive distance but $85 to run when I can use MapMyRun and create a route for myself around my house.  I do plan to run the NacHalf so I need to start putting the money together to pay for it.  Tomorrow I'm scheduled for 10 miles, my first double digit run.  After today's class, I'm not sure I can get up and do it but I'm setting my intention and route.

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

#wordlesswednesday: Gymgirl and Gymmom

Sugar, Sugar go away

One of the things you become more conscious of when someone close to you is sick is your own health.  Since my dad's diagnoses, I have been working out, running, in general staying in motion.  A few months ago, my dad actually said to me, you need to keep working out and work on your fitness, too many of the people in our family have diabetes.  So I'm working out.  Still training for the Houston Marathon and planning to run the Nac Half in November.

With all of the training you would think I would be getting skinny and losing tons of weight, well I'm not.  I have lost about 10 lbs with another 5 lbs fluctuation between water weight and such.  My waist and hips have lost about 4 inches each and my mommy tummy is flatter and tighter.  Honestly I'm not really super concerned with weight lose or inches.  I'm feeling better and more confident in my body and at the end of the day that is the important part.

Now if I wanted lose weight along with my workouts, I need to diet.  I'm anti-diet.  I'm already gluten-free and dealing with Gymgirl's egg allergy, I don't need more limitations.  However, I have noticed that my sugar intake has been increasing noticeably.  Like drinking a gallon of sweet tea a day.  I make it so I know the amount of sugar (1 cup).  I've also been craving cookies, cake, cereal.  All the sweet stuff I can find at the house.  Luckily, we don't keep much in the way of gluten-free baked goods at the house.  For my overall health, if not my waistline, I have to cut back on sugar.

In the past, when I have noticed my craving for sugar I have taken magnesium supplements.  I originally started magnesium as a way to help my fertility back when we were trying to conceive the now 8 year old Gymgirl.  While I was on it I noticed I wanted less and less sugary snacks.  So with that in mind, I started magnesium yesterday.  I have already noticed myself not reaching for extra snacks.  I have also been slowly adding less and less sugar to my morning coffee and sweet tea.  So far I'm down from 3 teaspoons to 2 teaspoons in my coffee and from 1 full cup of sugar in my tea to just under 3/4 of cup.  We'll see if that translates to any changes in my waistline or on the scale. 

Sunday, September 9, 2018

Training for a Half-Marathon

So a long time ago, I wrote about training for a 5k and then a 10k. I did run those races and finished them and then roller derby and a full-time job took my focus away from running.  Then I was going to start training again and I had a baby.  So I took another long break but now I'm back!

For the last few months, I have been working with runlife365.com to train for my first half marathon in November (the Nac Half).  Then to run the Houston Marathon in January.  The work out Sharon Mayes of RunLife365 created for me is a full body 16 week plan.  Today's 8 mile run was the completion of week 9. 

Back in the day, high school days, I use to run cross country and for that training we focused on running the whole race.  After some research and talks with Sharon, I decided to start using the Galloway method of training, a run/walk combination.  It really has made a huge difference in raising my confidence and allowing me to get past my 10k mental barrier. 

Sharon's plan includes my roller derby workout with a HIIT workout included and something that I absolutely hate - strength training.  She also has something that I had never done before - Fartleks.  For the non-runner readers, Fartlek is Swedish or Finnish for speed run.  Currently I rotate between a couple different Fartleks on the NikeRunClub app.  My favorite has been the one with Kevin Hart.  I actually laughted out loud in the middle of a run; Kevin is so funny.

Now I think when you say you are a runner people want to know that your time, pace, and weight are doing.  So here is what I've done and learned so far.
1 - Indoor runs are easy compared to running outside.  If you plan to run an outdoor race, you need to train outdoors.
2 - My pace fluctuates between 11 min miles and 15 min miles.  It completes depends on temperature, run surface, and if I actually remember to eat before hand.  As to my ultimate pace goal - keep it under 15 min per mile.  Any run I'm under that is gravy!
 3 - my weight and inches do not seem to care that I'm running and training all of the time.  Honestly, I haven't changed my eating habits so I eat anything and everything (gf of course) and manage to keep my curvy shape.  I could change my eating but one thing at a time.  Right now the focus is getting the miles not changing my shape.

So there you go.  I'm a runner again.  I'm a plus-size runner.  I'm a brown runner.  I'm a fairly slow runner.  I'm a runner!

Saturday, September 8, 2018

Job searching from the heart

So about a month ago I came to the painful decision to leave my job as a school principal.  When people asked me why I left I had a canned answer ready, my dad's health requires me to be at home, but the real answer is I had done a lot of soulsearching and the Holy Spirit lead me to leave.  I was listening to the Spirit when I took the job and listening for when it was time to go.  Once I listened and turned in my resignation, the school spirit picked up, more students enrolled, and in general, things are looking up.  There are a couple of ways to look at that: 1 - people were hoping I was leaving and waiting until then to show up or 2 (my personal view) - my work for the last 3 years was bearing fruit and if you listen and do what the Holy Spirit asks then good things will come.

I listened and now I'm broke and jobless.  There are lots of jobs open in my field, library and higher education.  The problem for me is two-fold, timing and experience.  Since I hold a doctorate I am mostly "over-qualified" for a lot of entry positions in higher ed, like Academic Affairs or Student Affairs, but since I've never worked professionally in higher education I'm not really qualified for anything other than entry-level.  In the library field, I've worked in both school and public libraries but it is the beginning of the school year so school jobs are filled and with the economy, many cities are placing holds on open positions until after the new budget year.  I would love to move to into an Academic library but again without professional experience, I'm left a bit in nowhere's land, too educated to start but not experienced enough to fill a non-entry-level position.

I am also running up against something new with this job search: "We are waiting for a bigger candidate pool to start reviewing applications."  While I don't know if this is a real line or just something people are telling me to get me to stop calling I don't know but it is a line I'm getting quite a bit.  People with ALA-accredited Masters degrees in Library are few and far between.  It is a graying field with high demand.  If you aren't limited to where in the country you want to live ALA Joblist has over 4,000 openings!  If you are looking to go back to school I highly recommend looking into library studies but make sure the program is ALA-accredited!

So once I get a job I'll make sure and post about it.  I'm trying to keep my head up and understand that job searching takes time.  With children and bills, I am beyond stressed but I also believe, feel, and know God's timing is always right so I'll breathe deep and have faith. 

Sunday, August 26, 2018

1st Roller Derby Bout

If you have stuck around my blog for the last 9 years then you know about 4 years ago I began attending practice with a local roller derby league.  It quickly went from I'm going to just see about this to Mission Pass Minimum Skills (MSTs) and actually roll in a bout (game) with the team.  Just as I was rolling into my 1st derby-versary and passing MSTs, I injured my left ankle.  It was one of those everything but break it things. A high ankle sprain that took months to heal and years to get over mentally.  Then the team I was practicing with imploded and part of the fall out was my ousting from the team.

Details are hazy even now as to what was really going on verses what was being said.  In the end the team kicked me to the curb and then imploded and while still around I am not really welcomed to rejoin.  So that was St. Patrick's Day and one month later I found out I was pregnant!  I worked hard to finish my dissertation before the baby, Baby Lala, was born.  Then just took time in general to heal.  In that time my love for derby and my want to play did not go away.  It got stronger.  I couldn't let it go.

I turned to my derby wife, who had so suffered in the team implosion, and as luck would have it she hadn't been able to let derby go either.  We did reach out to try to rejoin our former team.  We were turned away.  What are a couple of strong leaders like us supposed to do?  Start our own league!  Thus was born the Lufkin Derby Dames!  While we work to build a team, we are fortunate enough to have kept old derby connections and were invited to bout with the Gulf Coast Roller Girls from Lake Charles, LA!  We missed the first bout of the season due my dad's cancer but yesterday we rolled out.

I played in my very first bout!  While my derby wife and I weren't out their together for my first jam, she was on the bench cheering me on.  DH was in the stands cheering and filming.  Baby Lala fell asleep pretty early on and GymGirl decided she wanted time with her cousin and stayed home.

It was fun.  It was hard.  I have skills to work on.  The team won a real nail biter against the Mobile Derby Darlings.  It was so much fun.  Teams were pretty evenly matched and all of the other players were so supportive.  We hit each other.  We threw some shady hits but everyone left smiling and ready to set up another game for next season.

Before we started warming up I was pretty sure it was a mistake to have me out there but as we warmed up and I didn't completely suck at it I relaxed.  There were other ladies playing that were really new too so I had equals to compare myself too rather than just vets to be in awe of.

If you are thinking of join a roller derby league for a practice I say do it.  Strap on some skates and try it.  I can't promise you will love it but I can promise you will have an experience to build on, a story to share. Do something that scares you.  Do something that helps you grow.  Do something that changes your life.

Friday, July 20, 2018

Cancer surgery #1

About 3 weeks ago, my dad went in for a surgical consult and to meet with the rest of his cancer team.  The simple consult turned into emergency surgery.  There was a second mass that had suddenly become life threating between the weeks of transferring care from one hospital to the next. 

We had decided to spend the 2 nights between appointments in Temple to avoid having to drive the 6-hour round trip between home and the hospital 3 days back to back.  As a result, my mom was at the hotel with my girls, while DH and I took dad to meet the surgeon.

It was a very scary time for me.  We walked in expecting to just talk and it turned into being admitted into the hospital and signing consents for surgery the next day.  We asked lots of questions and then we waited for the room to be available for my dad.  We were in the doctor's office about 3 hours.  After the consent was signed, DH left to go inform my mom what was happening.  As he was leaving he asked me to walk with him.  It was the first time I was able to show just how scared I was.  I don't remember if I cried or not at that point.  He hugged me tightly.  He was in charge of explaining everything to my mom and then calling my brothers.  I was left with my dad trying to stay calm and asking questions.

The entire staff at the hospital was friendly, professional, and most importantly helpful.  No question too stupid to ask.  Nothing too small to be unimportant.  Once they got my dad in his room, they began the process of inserting an IV.  This was the only time I got pissed at the nurses.  I know we were at a teaching hospital but the nurse trainee made my daddy bleed all over his pillow as she inserted the IV.  I had to step out as they did a full body scan of my dad.  This was when I lost my shit.  I just started crying not uncontrollably.  I cried enough to calm myself and get my face straight.  They had made my daddy bleed.  He was in so much pain from the tumor.  We had to talk about the possibility that he didn't survive and what he wanted to happen.  It was not easy.

Because both of my brothers live about 4 hrs away from us, I am in charge of all of the care.  Each time the surgeon called to give us an update, I was the one who had to talk the call and then translate the information for my mom and grandmother, aunts, and uncles who all showed up to be there with my dad. 

I was on the phone with the surgeon hearing all about there being a 2nd cancerous mass.  How this was a very rare presentation.  How this might change the approach to treatment if this cancer mass is different from the other cancer mass.  I was scared.  I knew I had all eyes on me.  My family watching my face for clues until I got over to them with information.  I cried while on the phone.  I know being rare in the medical world isn't good.  I was praying for a fat lump but no it was cancer.

Things we know 3 weeks later:  Dad would not have survived much longer with that mass in place.  He pain was a sign it was getting ready to perforate his intestines.  Once that happens, we would have had hours.  The cancers are the same type of cancer but are two separate occasions of cancer.

I can see now just how close to losing my dad we were before the surgery.  The surgeon moving quickly saved his life.  It is still not easy.  Next week, we should have the start dates for treatment.

Tuesday, July 17, 2018

You don't fight to keep people

I have been told in the past that I let people go too easily.  I don't fight to keep people in my life, personally or professionally.  I usually just let people vent that feeling towards me but I don't usually have a response.  What am I supposed to say?

Do I let people go?  Absolutely.  If someone wants to boot me from his/her life, should I really be fighting to stay in his/her life?  The one time I did explore this issue with Soul-sister, my explanation was this:
     If someone is a friend, I have declared them my friend, then I am obligated to 
respect that this person thinks their life would be better without me. 
 If someone says they want to leave, should I make it harder on
 them to leave?  That doesn't seem fair.  Cutting a friend out of 
your life is not an easy decision, why would I want to cause
 the person more pain by demanding they stay?  

I guess there is a part of me that feels that if I beg someone to stay and they still leave then I would hurt even more than just accepting their good-bye.  There is, of course, a part of me that believes I deserved to left by all of my friends, that I am too awful to deserve friends.  

I don't know.  Maybe I should fight.  Maybe I should make promises and compromises.  Give up me in order to keep them.  Here are some of the problems I have with those ideas:
  1. If I make a promise, I plan to keep it.  Can I really change myself enough to keep the promises required?
  2. Is someone who wants me to change, worth keeping in my life?  If they don't want me as I am, do they really want me at all?
  3. If the road that brought us to this impasse in the first place comes up again, won't I just get dumped again?  Better to break it off now rather than later, no?

So anyways, I don't fight to keep people.  I will fight with people.  I will grow with people.  I'll learn from being left.

That does not mean that I don't feel the absence.  Even now losing Soul-sister hurts.  I run into former friends and it feels like I'm dying.  People who knew me.  I let them in.  They said you don't have enough good in you to keep you around.  People who were family who are now strangers.  People that I said "I love you" that now won't meet my eye.  It hurts.  I haven't heard from Soul-sister in about 4 years and even now I cry over the loss.   Did I let her go?  Yes.  Did I fight to keep her?  No.  Do I miss her?  Yes.  Can we ever reconcile?  I don't know.

There are times I describe being painted into a corner.  You make decisions that put you in a fight or flight position.  Once you lash out or leave, can you ever go back again?  Now that those "friends" have left can we ever find our way back to each other?  I guess only time will tell.  I know I have lost friends permanently so there is no chance to reconcile.  That makes me want to reach out.  Apologize.  Compromise.  Life is short and tomorrow is not promised.  Can I forgive the past?  Can I move past the pain?  Even if I can, would they be willing?  

I did reach out to Soul-sister when I finished my doctorate.  She was the most excited person when I started the program.  The response was cold.  It hurt to be dismissed but I respect that our lives simply do not intersect at this moment.  Maybe someday we'll run into each other in a coffee shop somewhere and the cold and pain will wash away and it will be like we were never apart.  Maybe . . .

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

Saying good-bye or saying see you later

Today makes 2 years that a friend from college passed away from colon cancer.  I have and have had many mixed feelings about it.  This was one of the first friendships that ended badly and it was an ending focused on me being dropped because I didn't fit in/ I didn't have enough good stuff to outweigh my bad.  Seems like a strong theme of my life - if I am me, me completely then no one wants to deal with me.  I write that but of course, DH would argue that can't be true since after over 20 years he is still with me.  I also have other friends who have been with me for years and years.

But I digress, back to the dead friend.  Before she passed, she asked me to visit her while I was in Baltimore working on my dissertation research.   At that point in our lives we were Facebook friends but not call each other have actual intimacy friends.  I didn't make the effort.  I made excuses.  Actually, she never followed up with me while I was in Baltimore so I decided it was an invitation made due to old memories and an actual want.  I feel guilty.  She was dying.  Within four months, she would be dead and I didn't bother to respond.  I couldn't have known.  I was selfish and still harboring feelings of hurt from almost 15 years previous.  I was an asshat plain and simple.

I am a bit melancholy today.  I am dealing with my dad's colon cancer.  We have a strong rotation of family through our house.  People wanting to see my dad, make sure they do it before things turn bad.  It is a good plan.  Almost 2 weeks ago, my dad was rushed into surgery for what turned out to be a 2nd cancerous tumor.  The wait, the anxiety, the fear of watching my dad be admitted to the hospital.  To watch a simple doctor's visit turn into surgery was scary and exhausting.  Our stay in Temple went from 2 nights to 5.  From budgeted to a budget buster.  From simple cancer diagnoses to cancer treatment.

Melancholy - it is a good word.  I am thinking and feeling rather than talking.  Staying silent usually makes the melancholy worse but the feeling that I can't talk to anyone traps me in a cycle of feeling sad, feeling lonely, being scared to reach out, so then I feel sad, I feel lonely, which makes me more scared to reach out and you know the cycle become a spiral of sadness and shame.

I am ashamed of how I treated my old friends.  I should have reached out.  Met the offer to meet with kindness and effort.  I didn't.  I can't change it.  I can learn from it.  I'm not learning very fast as I was again recently dropped for being an awful person.  Maybe one day, I'll meet an old friend who hurt me for coffee and I'll smile and it will be okay between us until then I'll work on keeping my eyes open to the opportunity.

Thursday, June 14, 2018

Your bad doesn't outweigh your good

Continuous Improvement: For Good Measure

So Sunday night that is what I was told by someone who is now an ex-friend.  I guess you could argue that anyone that would say that to you was never actually your friend but I digress.  I think at the least this person was respectful enough, to be honest with me, right?  Instead of just ghosting out of my life, this person was able to get in a good stabbing and let me know how much I suck.

I am vacillating between wanting to be mad and wanting to be sad.  This person is absolutely right about me.  For their life at this moment, my bad outweighs my good.  That isn't necessarily a comment on me as a person in general; really it is about their own life and needs.  I can't really be a good friend if I demand someone put my want of their friendship above their own needs.  And still I was told that I suck and that hurts.  I'm sad because I did want this person in my life.  I thought we had a good friendly relationship. 

All of that being said, this person had a long list of faults too.  Did I make them a list as they were leaving?  Nope.  I wished them luck.  I help open the door and smiled as they left.  Maybe the problem was this person wanted me to beg.  Bargain with them to stay.  Maybe I should have.  I've had other people ask me why I don't fight to keep people in my life.  Maybe I'm afraid I would fail and end up looking like more of an ass.  Maybe it is that every time I have tried that the friendship ended worse than if I had just let them leave when they wanted. 

I could go and beg this person to be in my life.  On Monday, I got word that I was being asked to be interviewed for the Hollins alumna magazine.  This is a massive honor for me.  Hollins has some really amazing alumni and being included in the magazine is amazing.  After I told DH, I wanted to text this person and let them know.  I almost did anyway but then I remember they don't love me anymore.  They don't want to hear from me.  I'm a horrible addition to their life.  It hurt. 

I admit all of these feelings are not only about this one person.  Most of it goes back to 2 previous relationships that to this day I mourn.  It is those breakups that set me up for this one.  Instead of letting this person in completely and accepting what this person could give, I made them pay for not being what I needed.  This person would pull away and I would give space and then return and I would make them pay for their absence by being mean.  It was a nasty pattern that I couldn't see until it was over.  Now it's over.  I broke my own heart by not really being open.  What to do next?  Unclear but then life is a work in progress so let's see . . .

Thursday, May 31, 2018

So much life

It has been well over a year since I posted.  The last 3 months have been crazy let along the previous 20 months or so since I defended my dissertation.

I guess I'll start and just try to cover the big pieces of news:

1 - Dec 27, 2016, I gave birth to a daughter.  Her social media name is #BabyLala.  #Gymgirl loves her dearly and calls her an answer to her prayers.  Lala is amazing and so different from Gymgirl.  I love watching them interact and watching Lala develop into an amazing child.

2 - Snoopy dog was hit by a car and quickly passed on to dog heaven back in March.  Unfortunately, we were on a family walk and we saw the whole thing happen.  Gymgirl was totally lost in grief for many days.  It hurt to lose him.  For now, we are pet-less.  Which is good considering the next piece of news

3 - My dad has stage 3 rectal cancer.  We are in the process of getting him treatment but this is no easy task since he has no health insurance.  The struggle is beyond real at this point.  As a family, we are taking it in stride.  I am in charge of paperwork and making appointments.  DH is doing the majority of the driving for appointments.  The girls are surviving but Baby Lala has always stayed with my dad so being dropped off to other people for care has been hard on her.  My mom is taking it as well as can be expected.  I can see she is stressed and she is smoking more and running off to bingo to keep herself distracted.

Between the end of the school year, the start of the cancer journey with dad, and some health problems for other family members, I feel pretty drained and at a few points at my breaking point.  In the last 2 months, I have gone back to roller derby and running for stress relief.  Rather than go back to my old team, I have joined to other ladies in starting a fresh league.  It has been glorious as stress relief.  I have faith that my dad's journey will go according to God's plan and that I can survive whatever else comes my way.

I'll probably be blogging more just to give myself a way to log this new life journey.  In case you don't know, cancer sucks and the American healthcare system sucks too.