October is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Month. I've written in a past blog post about losing a pregnancy about 2 years after Gymgirl was born. If you do the math, there are almost exactly 7 years between my girls. That was not my plan but that is what happened. I love my rainbow baby, Baby Lala, but I still think about the one lost between. To say I spent 9 months terrified I was going to lose the pregnancy is an understatement.
We have been watching Bones. DH got GymGirl and I into it. There was an episode with Cyndi Lauper as a psychic and she was helping a soul cross over. In that episode, she mentioned to the soul, who was a young teen, all about the life he would have had including 2 children that will now have to find a new way here. I asked DH if he thought that was the way it worked. Do we get assigned our best life and then between free will and life itself it turns into other things? He said yep something like that. "Then what about the soul we lost? Was it Lala or someone else? Will he find a new way here?"
Is that the way it works? Was I tasked with bringing a certain number of souls across and failed at some point? See the loss is great and doesn't go away. So much potential, life changing, world saving energy just gone? If energy isn't created or destroyed then that soul is still around and will find a new way here.
I'm sure how souls work. I just know I still the loss. I have a couple of friends who in recent month have dealt with pregnancy loss. They have been super open and honest on Facebook about it. I'm so proud of then. When I had my miscarriage, we didn't tell anyone for months and only because I had written the blog post. There was so much shame, like I was a failure as a woman. I know that wasn't and isn't true. Only God knows the master plan and I'll just be patient and have faith.
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