Pneumonia Recovery Sux: The surrender

I have been feeling really good.  The weather has been strange but warm enough for me to run.  I got 3 miles on the trails last Sunday (12/15) and then realized I'm 35 miles from 500 miles for the year.  That meant 2 miles a day until the end of the year, right?  What's 2 miles a day when I just finished 3. 
Monday (12/16), I got up and headed to the gym with the intention of cross-training and completing a warm-up mile.  Did I really only intend to run 1 mile when I knew I needed 2?  Probably not but I didn't wear my compression socks so in theory, I was setting myself up for 1 mile.  Once I got up on the running track, I set my Nike app to 2 miles.  I reasoned that after my leg numbness on the trails the day before I needed to see what my legs would do on the indoor track.  I completed my 2 miles and my legs were going to sleep.  So it is an issue with terrain or shoes, just my legs acting up again.  However, my lungs felt great.  No shortness of breath, no lung pain.  I was doing well.  I just knew I was over this whole pneumonia thing. 

Yesterday was Gymgirl's 10th birthday.  I was so excited to get home to spend some time with my girl.  As I was driving home I started to feel funny.  A tingle in my chest, kinda in the middle.  It was scary.  I tried to reason my way through it.  Maybe I'm having a panic attack from the emotion of being the mom of a 10-year-old but I didn't feel panic-y.  I was joyful and excited.  So if you know Texas highways, this feeling started around Carthage so I'm about 90 minutes from home.  Once I hit Mt. Enterprise, I decided to use my rescue inhaler.  The feeling is growing, now instead of space the size of my hand, it is down the middle of my torso.  Now I'm about 60 minutes from home.  Halfway between Mt. Enterprise and Nacogdoches, I get lightheaded.  I was to the point of praying to get to Nac because there really wasn't a safe place to pull over.  I begin conscious breathing, deep breaths because I had really and truly become aware of a lack of air in my body. 

I couldn't decide what to do.  Do I stop?  Do I call my husband?  Can the ER really do anything for me?  Do I just need to give the inhaler time?  By the time I hit Nac, I was pretty sure I needed to go straight to the ER but with about 30 minutes to go until I was home, I just kept going.  My airway started to open a little bit as I hit the Nac loop and my lightheadedness was also going away.  I was finally feeling better after I crossed the Angelina River bridge.  It was so strange to go from feeling great to feeling awful to decent in a span of 2 hours.

The weather keeps changing in extremes this season.  Sunday it was 80.  This morning, Wednesday, it was 30 when I left the house.  It is about 11am and I've hit the rescue inhaler twice today.  So you know what, I give. Pneumonia recovery really sux and it is a fucking ultra instead of a 5k.  So I surrender.  I will not make 500 miles this year.  I'll get it next year. 

Dear Pneumonia, You are really making my holiday season awful.  I want to run free and take advantage of the few beautiful days we get in the winter but you make me pay for each and every one.  Since you have decided that you are my ride or die for the moment, I need you to hear me.  I have goals to reach this next year so after I give you an amazing New Year's, you and I are over.  You hear me?  We are so over. 
Maybe we can be friends and see each other for coffee on really rainy gross days but let us not make that a habit.  We both know this is a toxic relationship.  We need to break up so that we can grow.  It is totally you but honestly, I'm a selfish bitch.  I want the freedom to run and you want to stay in bed all day.  It has been so real but not real fun.  I won't miss you. 
Bye forever, Ultra-Marathoner in Training

10 miles later

So I did it; I ran 10 miles yesterday!  I felt so lonely, so worthless, so invisible; it was as either run or die.  
Not that I would have actually killed myself but I would have done something self destructive, like 
pull all of my applications or sent an ugly email to the job interview people.

Running is good therapy for me.  It takes a lot of energy to get started and crap-ton 
of will to keep going after the first interval.  But I don't know if it is a runner's high or just my body
 thinking it is closer to death about halfway thru I'll settle in and enjoy the run.

 
Yesterday miles 6, 7, 8 I actually had negative splits!  Meaning they were my fastest miles and honestly 
it is difficult to get faster in the middle of a long run,  for me anyway. The longer I run the better I feel 
until I'm pushing myself into a new longer distance. By the end of mile 8 (which was my previous 
longest distance) I really felt awesome. I was ready to grab life by the balls and be a total badass.  
Then my mood took a turn around 8.5 miles, I started feeling a tiredness in my legs that took over 
my thoughts. I tried breathing thru the pain. It took everything thing in me to finish. I had to give myself 
permission to slow down. I reminded myself that starting sub-13 min wasn't important,  I just needed to 
accomplish my goal and I could crawl if I needed to.

I didn't need to crawl.  I was hurting and unfortunately my mind had settled back into a negative 
state but at least I could shut that negative voice down a little easier; I mean I am a badass that 
ran 10 miles!  Surely a loser can't do that, right?

Anyways,  a half marathon is really well within my grasp. The race I'm targeting isn't until 
November so still a full month of training.  I'll keep adding miles and that change from awesome
 to suck will hopefully move out further and further so that I'm strong at mile 13.1.  
We'll see how it goes! 

Sugar, Sugar go away

One of the things you become more conscious of when someone close to you is sick is your own health.  Since my dad's diagnoses, I have been working out, running, in general staying in motion.  A few months ago, my dad actually said to me, you need to keep working out and work on your fitness, too many of the people in our family have diabetes.  So I'm working out.  Still training for the Houston Marathon and planning to run the Nac Half in November.

With all of the training you would think I would be getting skinny and losing tons of weight, well I'm not.  I have lost about 10 lbs with another 5 lbs fluctuation between water weight and such.  My waist and hips have lost about 4 inches each and my mommy tummy is flatter and tighter.  Honestly I'm not really super concerned with weight lose or inches.  I'm feeling better and more confident in my body and at the end of the day that is the important part.

Now if I wanted lose weight along with my workouts, I need to diet.  I'm anti-diet.  I'm already gluten-free and dealing with Gymgirl's egg allergy, I don't need more limitations.  However, I have noticed that my sugar intake has been increasing noticeably.  Like drinking a gallon of sweet tea a day.  I make it so I know the amount of sugar (1 cup).  I've also been craving cookies, cake, cereal.  All the sweet stuff I can find at the house.  Luckily, we don't keep much in the way of gluten-free baked goods at the house.  For my overall health, if not my waistline, I have to cut back on sugar.

In the past, when I have noticed my craving for sugar I have taken magnesium supplements.  I originally started magnesium as a way to help my fertility back when we were trying to conceive the now 8 year old Gymgirl.  While I was on it I noticed I wanted less and less sugary snacks.  So with that in mind, I started magnesium yesterday.  I have already noticed myself not reaching for extra snacks.  I have also been slowly adding less and less sugar to my morning coffee and sweet tea.  So far I'm down from 3 teaspoons to 2 teaspoons in my coffee and from 1 full cup of sugar in my tea to just under 3/4 of cup.  We'll see if that translates to any changes in my waistline or on the scale.