Bittersweet: 3 years, 5 months, and 15 days (Breastfeeing pics included)

If you are a regular reading you will noticed that the Breastfeeding Timeline is now gone.  As of two weeks ago Ravebaby totally weaned.  My goal for nursing was 2 years.  I never imaged that I would go almost 3 and half years.

 It is bittersweet.  I am happy to have my body back.  I no longer have to worry about being able to nurse out of what I am wearing.  While it had been about 5 months since we last nursed in public and about 3 since she had nursed at anytime beside bedtime, in my mind I have always had boobs as a ready and willing tool for curing ouchies or helping her go to sleep.  We snuggle and we are both happy with it.  I nudged her to wean and then she decided it was time. 

Ravebaby weaning just in time for me to start my doctorate.  I thought she would regress.  I figured she want to nurse as soon as she saw and then stay on the boob all the time.  I think she just realized that there was lot of life away from the boobs and besides, mom's boobs don't make chocolate milk.

So anyways there you have it.  I am officially no longer a breastfeeding mom.  It is incredible to me that this one decision to breastfeed has changed me so much.  I am wheatless because I breastfed a wheatless baby.  As I sit here eating my Gluten-Free Glutino Toaster Pastery, I have to smile.   I don't miss wheat.  When DH got his "death sentence" of a wheat allergy 10 years ago, I was in shock and had no clue what to do.  When we saw the signs in DD at 3 weeks,  I went cold turkey.  Now, eating wheat makes me sick.  I can tell when I've had wheat.  I just don't miss it anymore. 

My breastfeeding journey maybe over but the wheatlessness will continue.  My blogging will be more sporadic too.  I started my doctorate classes on June 1st and I am swamped with work.  I'll be around and still glued to my computer but I might not have much blogging time.

Mother's Day tattoo

For Mother's Day/birthday gift, DH got me my first tattoo. I love it. It is still healing and I'll have at least another session for color but still love. So here it is:

So a word about the subject matter. It is a breastfeeding pinup. It is based on one I had found online but Pat the tattoo artist personalized it for me. The original had roses. I hate roses so we added a dogwood for Ravebaby's home state. Even once we add the color the tattoo is in complete and that is on purpose. I wanted to leave room for more flowers for any more children that we might have. I also had Pat making the baby more like Ravebaby instead of just a massive curl, we have lots of subtle curls. Pat also turned the nose and added a nose ring stud for me.

So why this? To me pinups are the ultimate in sexy and beauty. As a nursing mother I don't think any other moments captured motherhood for me like nursing. This tattoo is the most beautiful woman doing the most beautiful thing. I feel like I should name her, the tattoo that is. We'll see if one ever materializes. Anyways that is my first tattoo. Isn't it great!

Wordless Wednesday: Nursing a 38 month old

Gluten-free, Breastfeeding and the Hidden Village Music Festival

As you all know I am wheatfree and still nursing a 38 month old preschooler. So what does that have to do with the Hidden Village Music Festival?. Simple, you can do both at the festival!

I might talk badly about my arch-nemesis but he really is the best champion for living your life as you need to. So what? That means that despite all of the crap he gives me for being wheat-free, all of the drinks (as best as I can tell) at Standpipe are gluten-free! Unfortunately there are no gluten-free desserts. Sometimes there are some gf chips but no guarantee. Make sure you bring your own gf snacks! That is one area that Standpipe excels at, they won't shoot you any dirty looks for bringing in your own snacks. When you come down for the Festival, bring a $5 spot for a Standpipe (which is so good) and your own Udi's muffin.

For the nursing mamas out there, Standpipe is your place. They are as welcoming as Motherhood but with coffee (decaf if you need it). I think Jailbait would probably drag a person out of the Standpipe before allowing them to talk down to a nursing mom. Cover, no cover, no problem. While I am trying to wean Ravebaby and at this point don't nurse her in public much anymore, Standpipe is one of the places that I know it wouldn't be a problem. Nursing mamas buy your ticket! Piece of advice, buy your baby/toddler/nursling a pair of headphones for the more rocking shows. Ravebaby wears Babybeats.

So in short the Hidden Village Music Festival is for everyone! March 8th - 18th at Standpipe Coffeehouse, Lufkin Tx See you there.

If Birds Could Fly will be playing at Standpipe Coffeehouse on Monday March 12th. Buy your tickets today!

Happy Birthday Ravebaby!

Today is Ravebaby's 3rd birthday.  I don't know were the time has gone!  Today also marks 36 months a breastfeeding for Ravebaby and me.  She's not ready to stop.  Not sure how much longer I am willing to go but we'll just see.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY RAVEBABY!

More Boob! (Warning: Picture included)

I feel like I need to change my name to More Boob.  That seems to be Ravebaby's number one thing to say.  She has a pretty big vocabulary but when it comes to me, she says More Boob.  Sometimes she sings it to the tune of Shave and a haircut.  Most time its just a demand, More Boob!

There are times that I think I want to wean her.  I do tell her no.  I don't really want to wean her.  I want her to finish nursing when she is done with nursing but there are days when I'm touched out.  I want her to leave me alone.  I want to keep my bra in its place for longer than an hour.  I don't want to nurse her at 6 am and 9 am and on and on. 

Most days are not that bad.  She's busy and barely remembers to nurse.  Most evenings are okay too.  It's just when I have a supply dip that she seems to be on me all day.  This last week has been hard.  My period started unexpected on Saturday.  I guess I should have see it coming since Ravebaby had been in my lap all week.  Seriously, this kid just knows. 

I just tend to get touched out.  I love DD and nursing her is a great way to stay connected.  But when she's on me like white on rice, I just want to explode.  There really are days that she seem to forget to nurse at all.  She might nurse at lunch and then at bedtime.  That is part of the problem, I get use to not nursing.  When she gets into nurse all the time mode, it's a hard transition for me. 

We won't wean yet.  Even if she just nurses a couple of times a day, they are sessions that keep us connected and ultimately when she does wean I'll wish I had those times back.  God willing my daughter will live to be 100 and in the grand scheme of things, 2+ years of nursing will be a tiny speck of time.

 I've even started to let her nurse in public again.  I keep going back to nursing in public because so many people seem to be against it.  If you read Twitter, so many people get brave and diss us nursing mommas.  Really most people are too chicken-shit to say anything to you in public.  Really, I don't use a cover, I'm nursing a 2 year old and never ever have I had anyone say anything.  I guess I feel like I have to put my money where my mouth is.  If I want to be an advocate then I have to walk to the walk or in my case nurse the baby.  I mean people are really scared to nurse in public.  They are afraid someone will say something to them but if they see someone else doing it then they tend to feel more comfortable.  Really, the public in general would rather you nurse your baby than hear your baby scream and cry.  It's just a little boob.  We all have nipples.  There are men with huge man-boobs that walk around shirtless all the time so why should I care if you get a view of some boob.  My boobs are pretty fab.  At least DD thinks so :)

Breastfeeding Goals met

So if you look at my breastfeeding timeline at the top of my blog, I have met my breastfeeding goal.  When I found out I was pregnant and thinking about breastfeeding, my research brought me to the idea that I wanted to breastfed my child for at least 2 years.  2 years is the minimum recommended by WHO.  I had read and heard from other moms that toddlers are picky eaters and breastfeeding would mean that I would know my child was getting the right food.  So 2 years was my goal. 

DH was not thrilled but as a researcher himself, he understood my reasons for setting the goal.  Like everything else with my parenting style, he just goes along as long as DD is happy and healthy.  Now it's been a few months that we passed the comfortable with breastfeeding in public phase.  It kinda wigged us both out for a bit but after seeing so much controversy surrounding NIP, I think we're both back on the NIP bandwagon.  If you want to say something to my big black DH go for it.  So we're NIP to help other couples with NIP.  So I proudly breastfeed a 2-year-old in public without a cover. 

At this point, DD and I are still nursing.  My mom told DD no more boob and DD had a total meltdown!  I mean a serious panic attack.  Needless to say she's more attached to the boobs than before.  So I don't think we'll be weaning anytime soon.  In case you are wondering, DD nurses about 5 - 6 time a day.  Perfectly normal and totally do able.  Some days she might nurse just 4 times, some days it can be like 8.  Everything from here on out is golden.  When will we stop nursing?  I have no clue.  Moving forward it's all on DD.  We'll stop when she is ready.  I met my goal so now I'll just listen to my DD.

Photo taken by AMZ Photo of Lufkin, TX.

Wordless Wednesday: Mom's eye view

Just a warning: these pictures are of a toddler breastfeeding. View at your own risk.

 

 

Do I have to?

So yesterday, DH and I took Audrey to the Cadwell Zoo in Tyler.  We had a blast.  Got to see an elephant pretty close.  I think Audrey was actually disappointed to not see a hippo; Cadwell doesn't have one. 

While there Audrey asked to nurse twice.  The first time she got distracted by pine straw and a friend so she forgot she wanted to nurse.  The second time, we found a rocking chair at the entrance/exit and sat right down and got to nursing.  I was a bit worried that someone would say something but no one even noticed.  It was busy so no one had time to notice.

We decided to take Audrey to a hibachi place since we had been missing good hibachi since we moved from Virginia.  I must say this was at about 5pm, which is prime Audrey nap time.  We knew as soon as we got her in the car for 90 min trip home she would fall asleep so we decided to try dinner with a sleepy baby.  Almost as soon as we sat down she started fussing for "BOOB!"

I so did not want to nurse her at the table.  At almost 22 months and super active, she is not one to allow me to be discreet.  If I lift the shirt a bit then she will lift it up above my head, or at least try to.  What to do?  What is a lactivist, LLL leader, committed breastfeeding mom to do?

I had put on a nursing tank so at least no one would see my rolls and I nursed my toddler at the table.  I'm mean what else was I going to do?  It was either nurse or suffer the wrath of Audrey.  I know the people at my table didn't want me to nurse but once food started coming out Audrey turned her attention to the food and we had a pleasant dinner.  I know if I had fought her off the boob, dinner would have been horrible.  At our table, there were two pregnant women.  DH said that yes they noticed but that they just blew it off.  Considering the turn around in Audrey's behavior, I would say that they had a positive impression.  So maybe women who would have never thought about breastfeeding might give it a second thought and try. 

So why didn't I want to breastfeed?  Well at a hibachi table you are sitting very close to other people.  When we are in a non-hibachi eatery, I have no issues whipping out a boob.  But with strangers at your table it's a bit different.  Maybe it shouldn't be but it was.  So why did I breastfeed?  Well I'm a walk the walk type of person.  How can I tell mom's to NIP if I won't?  So out came the boob and Audrey's world was safe and calm again.  If I can NIP a toddler at a table with strangers without a cover then anyone can NIP.  Just take a deep breath and remember that baby comes first.

All breastfeeding ends

So with this being World Breastfeeding Week, I've been thinking alot about breastfeeding (shocking I know).  I was thinking that all breastfeeding ends.  As you can see by my breastfeeding timeline, I've been nursing for close to 20 months.  That means I'm starting to get looks and have been getting comments like really, gross, well different strokes for different folks.  I don't mind the last one.  I mean everyone is different and for everyone breastfeeding ends.  If you go 1 week, 1 year or until baby/child stops it all ends.  Nobody breastfeeds forever.

So that brings me to my breastfeeding journey.  My plan was to make it to 2 years.  24 months is the minimum recommendation from the World Health Organization.  So I've always wanted to make it to two years but past that I really don't know.  I know many women who are comfortable with a 3 year breastfeeding but not many that go past 4 years.  Where is my comfort level?  I want to be the momma that lets Audrey decide when to stop.  I want to be okay with going 4 years plus but I just don't think I'm that woman.  I think once we start pushing 4 years, I will begin actively weaning.  Does that make me a hypocrite?

If I preach baby-led weaning does me actively weaning mean I am not practicing what I preach?  I mean my feeling might change.  I might not actively ever wean.  Audrey could quit tomorrow.  You would think that I would be actively trying to wean Audrey even now.  I've been wheatfree for a year!  But don't think the thought hasn't crossed my mind.  No one would blame me for weaning.  No one would think twice about me telling Audrey to get over and shoving a doughnut in my face but I wouldn't be able to look at myself.  When my Audrey was born I looked at her and said I would give my life for her and that is what I'm doing; granted for now it's wheat but you know what I mean. 

So anyways, yes Audrey is still breastfeeding.  At lunchtime, when I get home from work, and a few times at night.  Very normal for a toddler her age and nothing I can't handle.  I know there will be a time when I offer and she'll turn to run after the dogs instead (heck she does that even now).  I won't see it coming or maybe I will.  I might even actively pursue it.  After all all breastfeeding relationships end at some point.

Wordless Wednesday: Multi-tasking Toddler

In honor of World Breastfeeding Week, I present Audrey nursing and using the iPhone!

Thrush Again!

So you know I'm passionate about breastfeeding.  Part of the reason so many mom's give up on breastfeeding is the lack of help when it comes to dealing with problems.  The problem that almost sunk my breastfeeding was THRUSH!  I hate thrush.

I first got thrush when I had been breastfeeding about 3 weeks.  I leaked and still leak like a loose faucet and I decided to save money by buying cheap thin nursing pads.  So cheap that they trapped the milk next to my skin and I developed a yeast infection on my boobs, thrush.  Yes, it's just like a yeast infection in your vajayjay and it is treated about the same.

My problem was that I didn't get help as soon as I had a problem.  I thought it was my latch.  I thought it was not nursing enough.  I didn't ask for help.  By the time I got help I was literally on my knees at night crying for hours the pain was so bad.  One time Audrey tried to latch and I screamed and then she screamed and we both cried for an hour.  It was bad.

I ended up going to my gyn/ob for an RX for diflucan (sp?).  I had to go through two rounds!  I also used Grapefruit Seed Extract and coconut oil.  It was a good month before it was totally gone.  Don't wait!  If you think you might have a problem ask for help.  Ask a friend, a local La Leach League leader, heck send me an email but don't suffer to the point of quitting, besides it hurts!

Here are some links that I found very help and that I turn to, even now going through thrush for the 4 time!

Dr. Jay Gordon: Identifying Thrush and how to use Grapefruit seed extract

KellyMom: Thrush Resources

Coconut Oil for Thrush Treatment

La Leche League - Thrush

Hope a momma with thrush finds this helpful.

Coming out of the closet

Okay so not really that kind of news but it kinda is.  I have officially finished all of my work towards becoming a LLL Leader!  I have my letter in the mail and then I will be official official.  It's nice to be able to say it out loud!  They ask us not to talk about ourselves as leader applicants so this is my official coming out. 
I'm excited about starting to host meetings and helping moms.  While I've always helped moms, I have more questions in my inbox about breastfeeding than anything, I hope that now that I have some training I might be more help. 
I know that I can come across as militant but really I just want to help mom's reach their personal breastfeeding goals. For me that goal is 2 years, anything past that is gravy.  I know for some moms it's 1 month.  But whatever the goal, I'm here to help.   Really that is every LLL leaders goal.  I know there are some leaders out there that confuse the situation and try to make everyone a militant AP mom but that ain't me.  I can live no one else life and they can't live mine.  What works for me, won't necessarily work for anyone else.  We all do what we can, the best we can.
So anyways, I'm here I breastfeed ask away :)

It is amazing what you can do when you don't have a choice

So I've heard it so many times, "I couldn't do it.  I have no idea how you . . . "

The . . . can be just about anything in my life.  The wheat-freeness, breastfeeding a toddler, babywearing, co-sleeping, or the homebirthing.  I think in this country we have been TV fed the idea that we can't do things.  We can't wear a baby it's not safe you must have a stroller.  Breastfeeding, why would you do that when you can just give the baby formula.  Home birth, are you stupid?  Only a doctor is qualified to deliver a baby.  You'll die without an epidural; you can't handle the pain.  Why do we buy into all of those things?  It is amazing how powerful we are as humans, as women, as moms. 

Now I'll admit that I have chosen my crunchy wheatfree life.  Yes, I could have gone to the hospital and had an epidural.  Yes, I can stop breastfeeding and kill a hamburger.  Yes, she would cry but I could move Miss Audrey to her own bed.  Why not buy a stroller?  These are choices that I have made and therefore I am choosing to live my life this way.  But what about things that you don't have a choice about?

I have a friend who had PUP, which if you don't know what it is Google it.  She actually told me that she didn't know how I live wheat-free.  I am in awe of her.  She had PUP and let her baby be born on his own time.  Most women with PUP have an induction at 38 weeks, the stress on the body and the mental strain are incredible.  She ended up going for almost 42 weeks, a full month more than the norm.  She is incredible!  If she can do that she can do anything.  Makes going wheat-free seem so small.

So what can we do if we 'have' to?  People have super human strength when they need to save their child.  We are amazing creatures.  You could go wheat-free.  It's not that hard.  People are doing it for fun.  If your health depended on it, you could do it.  Don't even get me started on the crunchy life.  Trust me you can do it.  Life is all about choices.  My choices are my own and yes they are not for everyone but just because you didn't doesn't mean you couldn't. 

I'm a loser

Okay, so I've got several friends who have babies and I've noticed many talking about sending the baby to granny's for a night.  I have not spent the night away from Audrey and she's 15 months old so needless to say I began feeling like I was a weirdo or really a loser.  What is wrong with me?  Why haven't I sent my baby away for an overnight visit?  She should have time to bond with her grandparents, right?

So I did what every modern mom does, I hit Twitter up with the question, when did you first leave your child for the night?  I mean maybe I"m damaging my child.  So the responses were overwheleming at least 2 years old  and one mom said 4 years old.  This made me feel less like a weirdo.  I'm not the only momma refusing to leave her baby for the night.  But I was thinking about it.  Is my sample actually "normal"?  I mean I follow and am followed by people who think like me.  Most of the people I follow are AP parents, lactivist, and homebirth activist, not exactly mainstream America. 

I don't think I'm any closer to finding out if I'm normal or not with question to the whole leaving your baby thing.  I guess I have to fall back on the old, "it feels right to me."  I guess I also need to do some research on "normal" ages that children spend the night away from their parents.  I know for me, Audrey spending the night down the hall won't happend until she's nightweaned.  She still searchs for boob at least twice a night.  I"m in no hurry to wean her at all so it may be a while yet.  So when do you think it's okay to leave baby for the night?

The attached parent

So this whole style of parenting thing is still on my mind.  Like I've said before I'm not into labels.  Do I fit the label of attachment parenting, yes.  I babywear, I breastfeed, I bed-share, I'm against CIO and I love my Audrey.  I dislike the idea that people who aren't attached parents are dettached parents.  The label is awful and misleading.  Like my parenting is better or more in-tune.

I think part of what bothers me is that it implies that I set out to be an attached parent.  I'm going to be honest.  If I could parent anyother way I probably would.  I mean I don't really like having a baby kick me in the kidneys at 3am but I can't image her sleepping in another room.  I didn't like leaking all over myself but I'm too cheap to spend money on formula.  I would use a stroller but I'm terrified someone would steal Audrey when I turn around to look at something.  I didn't set out to be attached; Audrey just kinda got attached. 

I can be a bit of a controlfreak so the idea that I can control my diet and therefore Audrey's diet (via breastmilk) was a need in me.  I can't trust a formula company; it is just not in me.  I can't trust people to keep their hands to themselves.  I want to know where Audrey is at all times.  I don't want people touching my kid and having her on me (literally) means no strange hands.  The bed thing, well after carrying her for 9 months in me, the idea of her down the hall just didn't work.  We tried to do the crib in room but she was so little and she cried and I couldn't handle it so she moved into our bed and has been there ever since.

So maybe I'm attached but it wasn't a choice.  It really did just happen but I am more than a label.  Like any parents attached/dettached a label is not the whole person.  We do the best we can.

Shut your pie-hole crunchy bitch

Okay, so how does one give advice to a parent that has a different parenting philosophy than you?  I don't really label myself as any one parent philosophy but let's face facts, I'm more or less an Attachment Parent.  I hate that label, makes it seem that I"m calling other parents de-ttached.

I want to share the lessons I've learned but I know that my life works for me.  I don't live anyone else's life so how can my lessons really benefit them?  I can talk in general but it is hard to give an example without making people feel singled out.  If I talk about letting a baby "cry-it-out" and how I think it is horrible then someone will think I'm talking about them.  Besides, how do you talk about something like that without passing judgement.  Yes I think letting a baby cry themselves to sleep is horrible.  How can you stand there and listen to your child cry?  But then that is me.  I can't do it.  Maybe you can and may you raise the Supreme Court justice and I raise the serial killer.  Who is really to say?

I think a classic example is babywearing.  I babywear (shocking right?).  I think there is a right way and a wrong way and there is definitely a deadly way.  Yes, there is research to support my way but wrapping isn't for everyone (most days not even for me) or MeiTeis or SSC or ring slings.  Maybe the Baby Bjorn is the best thing for that family.  Anything else could result in dropping the baby or never wearing that baby.  Which is worse?  Never wear or wear in a Bjorn?  I had a Bjorn!  I thought it was great.  Then I got my Moby and I hated my Bjorn.  Then I did research and attended some babywearing meetings.  I decided that for Audrey I would Bjorn no more.  That doesn't make me a better parent.  It made me a better parent for Audrey.  Happy Mama = Happy Baby?

Even that statement, happy mama + happy baby makes me think twice.  I would love to out drinking with my friends, getting my nails done and spending money on me.  That would make me happy.  I don't think that would make Audrey happy.  I could shove formula in her face so I can get drunk but that would not make either of us happy (I'm not a big drinker).  But there are mamas who are happier giving formula.  Breastfeeding makes them feel trapped.  Happy Mama = Happy Baby?  I just don't know.

So to the point, I will not shut my pie-hole but please don't assume I'm talking about you.  I will live my life and you will live yours.  I don't feel guilty about my choices and neither should you.  We are all doing the best we can and it is a crap shoot.  My happily attached cloth-diapered breastfed Audrey could wind up a murder on death row and your happy Bjorn formula baby could cure cancer.    I'm thinkin' it's a crap-shoot either way. 

Parting ways with my pump

I have decided to stop pumping.  I"m a bit sad about this decision.  It means Audrey is growing up and that she has day weaned.  She won't take milk from a bottle.  She won't take it in a sippy cup.  Bascially I was either freezing mlik or dumping it down the drain.  Since I haven't found any local mommas in need there is no point to pumping.  I've asked other moms and they seem to indicate that my supply should be fine.  Audrey is still nursing at night and in the morning and sometimes at lunch but not always. 

I am happy to be putting away the pump.  No longer having to pump and eat or pump and work.  The pump will be going into storage until the next baby.  But I am also sad.  My pump allowed me to keep breastfeeding my baby once I returned to work.  It allowed me time to think since I had to stop and go pump.  It also means that Audre is growing up.  She wants water not milk.  I know that she still loves momma milk since that is the first thing she'll ask for after her hug once I am in the door.  I still get to snuggle and kiss while she is on the breast but she's growing up.  My baby is a toddler and before I know it a little girl then you know the rest. 

So good-bye pump.  Thank you for helping me feed my baby.  Thank you for helping me toward my breastfeeding goal.  Thank you for time to focus on Audrey.

Living the wheat-free life

So far living wheat-free is not as horrible as it was when DH tried to go wheat-free back in 2004. The number one thing was the discovery of Udi's bread. I love sandwiches and the finding of a decent wheat-free bread has been a God-send! I'm still working on finding pizza.

I don't want Audrey to grow-up feeling like she is missing out. Being wheat-free shouldn't be some sort of horrible sentence. I'm finding that gluten-free items are getting better and easier to find. I've also found that finding people who are also wheat-free is so helpful. It's amazing how much easier it seems when you can ask someone for advice.

It has been great for my waistline! I've lost about 30 lbs post baby. I thinkn some of it was breastfeeding but the other part has been the diet change. One thing I haven't done is see a dietitian for advice but I figure as long as Audrey is growing then we are okay. Breastmilk is prefect food even when we don't eat perfectly.