Setting the audacious goal

 So, when I was in Colorado for the Latinas Run Summit, I had my interview with Ultimate Direction and one of the questions was about my running goals.  I do have a ready answer for that: 50k.  My goal is to complete a 50k trail race.  But as I began to answer the question, I was struck with something that up to that point I hadn't realized: I'm comfortable with my current running routine: 3-4x per week at least 30 minutes, pace need not apply.  I have been struggling with really kicking my ass into gear because I have gotten into a comfortable routine with my running.

There is nothing wrong with being comfortable.  We all strive for comfort.  Comfort food, comfortable clothing, comfy place to sit; we are wired to seek comfort.  So why is comfort bad in this situation?  Well, I have a goal and I can't get there if all I do is what is comfortable.

If you read runners' stories, like world-class athletes, they usually mention getting comfortable with being uncomfortable.  I forgot exactly who said it but it was a female marathoner who had gotten her time to Olympic qualifying and she mentioned running so hard she would throw up.  She would run so hard until she threw up and then do it again until she stopped throwing up.  She got stronger but first, she got uncomfortable.  

So what does any of that have to do with me?  Well, I am a goal setter.  I work towards things.  After I finished my doctorate and got my dad through cancer treatment, I ran a marathon.  It took me 8 hrs.  Since then my tentative goal has been a 50k.  I set my mind and then something derails me.  Life happens.  So it is a nebulous goal.  Something that I know I can do.  The goal is to finish not break my back doing it so I have been laissez-faire about it.  

Again so what?  Well after listening to episode #38 of The Not Your Average Runner podcast with Jill Angie and guest Corinne Crabtree, I realized I was not growing as a runner because I was comfortable.  Comfortable with mostly walking.  Comfortable with pushing the 50k into the future.  Honestly, I wasn't just comfortable, I was scared to really commit to the goal deep in my soul.  I want to get faster as a runner.  Not just like nebulous faster but I want to cut my marathon time in half.  

Full stop: what did I just think? Say? Write?  I came home from that realization and immediately told my husband.  Y'all it is an audacious goal.  Right now, I mostly walk.  On a good day, I have a 16-18 min mile.  A 4-hour marathon means sub 10 min miles for 26.1 miles.  That is overwhelming as fuck to think about.  How in the world will I, this little chubby 250+ lbs runner/mostly walker, cut my pace by almost 10 mins?

Well first, I have to get my mind right.  Yes, it is audacious but it is doable even by me.  Second, I have to get SMART.  Here is the goal: Run a 4-hour marathon by my 50th birthday.  I have 8 years which might seem like a long time but honestly, it will fly so I have to get to work.  I have to go back to running instead of enjoying my walk/runs.  Yes, I can still do intervals but I have to do the fucking intervals even if it hurts.  If I puke, I puke.  Y'all I have to get way uncomfortable.

What exactly am I doing differently today than when I decided on my real goal 2 weeks ago?  I am doing speed runs.  Maybe my mile pace doesn't look different from my recovery pace but I am pushing.  I have changed up my cross-training to work on core strength and explosive power.  I have also dropped my distance.  I am maxing out at a 10k.  I cannot get the pace down and distance at the same time.  Maybe some of y'all can but I can't.  That was one of the realizations from The Not Your Average Runner episode, you can't really multitask.  Jill Angie says it all the time, you can become a runner and you can lose weight but you can't do 1 run for both.  If my focus is getting my mile time down to sub-10 minutes then that is my short-term goal.  My weight will do what it will.  I may not be able to do an unassisted pull-up but I will be consistent with my cross-training with the explicit goal of getting faster.

Once I get my pace where I need it then I can start increasing my distance again.  I know I can cover the distance.  I have done it before.  It took me 8 hrs but I did it.  I am a marathoner.  Now to go for the big goal, the goal that scares the shit out of me.  Why does it scare me?  Because I might not be able to do it.  Why does it scare me?  Because fuck, I might be able to do it.  What if I do this then who am I?  Then will I step fully into my badassery?  Make career moves that right now I am passing on because I'm comfortable?

What happens next?  Lots of speed work, I have done two speed drills so far and a few 5ks in the last couple of weeks and you know what?  My fastest mile time so far was 12:08!  Y'all, I honestly forgot I could do that.  I didn't even puke which means I could have run harder.  I can run harder!  I have so much work ahead of me and I am excited to do it.  

Girl, set the audacious goal for your fitness, your career, your education, your health, your marriage.  You are capable of getting anything you set your mind to do!  In the meanwhile, I'll be puking on the side of the road from exhaustion, maybe excitement, who knows but I have a strong feeling puke is in my future.

 

Latinas Run Summit 2021

I had the privilege of attending the Latinas Run Summit 2021 in Estes Park Colorado the last weekend of July. It was a weekend full of firsts: 

• first time in Colorado 
• first time racing 2 races back to back 
• first run summit 
• first time at that elevation 
• first road race with love for the back of the pack
• first time meeting all of the women at the summit 

Needless to say this little introvert was nervous. Adding to the nerves was this was somewhat last minute. Several months ago a fellow trail runner posted about a contest for the “Run Your Own Trail” campaign by Ultimate Direction. As part of the campaign, you would win an all-expenses-paid trip to Latinas Run Summit, entry into the Vacation Races Elk Double, and a massive runners gear package. I filled it out and then forgot about it until I was contacted about being a finalist. This finalists round required a video. So I filmed myself at my desk, edited it down to the required time limit, and again forgot all about it. I honestly never thought that my run journey was something inspiring. I run/jog/walk/finish miles because it helps me cope with stress. I run on trails because it is peaceful. Anyways, in the middle of an already busy day, I get an alert for an email from Zoe at Ultimate Direction. Curious I opened it on my watch and then quickly grabbed my phone. I could not believe I had been chosen as a winner! 

Since I had forgotten I had entered, I had to quickly research what exactly I had won. So first I had to figure out when the summit would actually be happening: July 29-August 1. Well, that is going to be a problem. As a person in higher education, there are blackout dates, usually around the first day of class, exams, and graduation. Well, the first day of classes was August 2nd. So I had to contact my supervisor immediately to obtain special permission to take vacation days. Thankfully, he gave me permission immediately. He really is a great boss. With the days off taken care of came everything else, namely travel and training. 

Zoe made the process to get travel done as easy as possible. As an experienced traveler, I knew I need to fly out of IAH and I looked up the best flight options and Zoe did the rest. Training well that was a different story. How do you train for high altitude when you live at sea level? The answer is not well. 

My first issue was the races were actually road races not trail. It was honestly disappointing. I love trail so much and really try not to run road unless I have to so I knew I needed to get my head good with the road. Next how to get elevation when you live at sea level? Honestly outside of wearing a special mask, there really isn’t a way. I chose a path that I knew well that would give me hills and road surface and pushed myself to get in miles each Saturday. 3 weeks out, I had my longest run in the last few month of 10 miles and I felt so tired. 2 weeks out we had the Run For Justice, which I did virtually. Then 1 week out, I lost all my running mojo. I just couldn’t make myself get up and move. I was pretty worried about my ability to actually finish the half marathon. 

So I pack my bags and head out to the airport and this is where the fun begins, I flew out of a terminal usually reserved for international flights. I was really scared that I was headed to the wrong place but no, it was because I was flying on a huge plane, the biggest I had ever been on, 7 seats across. As we were approaching for landing, we hit some turbulence and some passengers got scared. Their flight companions were trying to calm them by praying and telling jokes. Since it wasn’t me, it was funny. It was bumpy but nothing horrible. 

It was my first time flying into Denver and not knowing the layout I was a bit worried about finding my shuttle ride to Estes Park. Luckily, I had an hour before needing to find my shuttle so I was able to get a bite to eat and relax before walking around in circles to figure the Eastside from the Westside. I did notice that as I walked around the security line was super long, which in turn made me nervous about the flight back but I’ll talk about that later down the post. 

I find my shuttle and 4 other ladies attending the Latinas Run summit were on board so I got to meet them before we got to Estes. I didn’t interact much with them as I was business looking at the scenery. Once in Estes, we made our way to the base camp cabin and checked in. I was handed 2 keys and quickly told the names of my cabin mates, which of course meant nothing to me as I didn’t know them. Off I went across the way to my cabin, claimed the smaller room on the second floor for myself, and then drank as much water as possible. The water, well staying hydrated, was the only piece of advice I got about adjusting to the altitude. As I sat down to read about the cabin and turn on the tv to relax, I had about 90 minutes before the first summit meeting, I read the second piece of advice: eat carbs so I immediately ordered a pizza. 

As I waited for my pizza, my cabin mates arrived. They were a true blessing. They knew each other, friends since high school, and were from Houston. We clicked immediately. I could not have asked for better ladies to share a cabin. 

I always pack light, 1 carry-on, and 1 personal item, usually a briefcase but in this case a beautiful new purse gifted to me by DH. As part of my commitment to packing light, I only brought my chapstick no makeup. Well, guess who forgot she was supposed to be filming her segment for Run Your Own Trail? I filmed my segment and hopefully, I’ll have that soon to share with you, with my naked face. I never wear makeup to run anyway so hopefully, I look natural and not sickly. You just never know how you will come across on film. 

Apparently, weather in/near the Rockies can be unpredictable. They had been calling for rain but then the forecast would change so preparing for the Friday night 5K, we knew we needed to plan for the possibility of running in the rain. Again my amazing cabin mates were lifesavers. They had actually rented a car so we drove over to the race. The race was actually within walking distance but between weather and thinking about dinner afterward, we decided to drive over. As soon as we pulled out of the parking lot, it began to pour. It rained so hard that it started flooding parts of Estes Park and flooded the tunnel we were supposed to take to get under the road between the start and the staging area. 

Vacation Races did a great job of communicating with the runners. They had a broadcast on the radio. Because of lighting, not really the rain, we were delayed over an hour. It was chilly and wet but the path was clear with minimal puddles considering how much and how quickly the rain had come down. There was about a mile walk between the car, staging area, and the start. My watch measured 5 miles altogether. The first challenge was just getting to the other side of the road to the start line. Since the tunnel was flooded, they had to stop traffic and we had to climb down the side of the hill. Then the long walk to the start and we could see the huge hill looming ahead. That hill was horrible! I was worn out from the start! I did actually enjoy the 5k. The view of the lake was great and I even achieved my goal of staying under an hour! Race 1 down but due to the late start and difficulty, I knew the half was going to be a bigger challenge than I originally thought. Less time to recover and if the 1 hill had kicked my ass what would the huge hills on the half mean? 

The half was hard.  There was a 3-mile ascent from mile 2 to about 5.  It was continuous but not super steep.  I went from about 7600 ft to 8200 ft.  It was tough but as long as I kept moving, I was good.  Slow and steady, which is my race policy at all times. 

I forgot the mention the start of the half!  This was the first race I have run with pacers.  You find your anticipated pace and run with that group.  I found the back of the pack, which for this race was 3:30-4:00 hrs.  As soon as I found the group I saw 2 women with the pacer and I said, "I have found my people!"  And they just took me in.  I stayed with them, well one person dropped off, the whole race.  It was this first race friend that kept me going!

Seriously, after mile 5 I thought the worse was over, I was wrong!  This race taught me that steepness matters.  Between mile 9 and 10, I struggled.  Like to the point that I was considering quitting the race.  The hill was killing me.  It was steep, very steep.  I was tired, very tired.  I stopped to catch my breath and as I did, I turned my head and saw a Virgin of Guadalupe.  For half a second, I thought I was hallucinating.  But along with the hallucination, I felt like my grandmother was with me, like she was giving me a blessing.  That was enough to steady my focus on finishing.  I gave up on finishing in under 4 hrs.  I had to stop 2 more times on this hill but I climbed it.  Oh and at my next stop, a few yards ahead, I saw that indeed we were right next to a Catholic Church so it was not a hallucination!

My race friend was pushing me the whole way.  As we climbed, we passed about 5 people.  Not to say that we were better than the folx we passed, we were just moving in a steady beat.  Once we hit the last 2 miles, which was a bit more flat and was the same as the last 2 miles of the 5k from the night before.  We walked it all.  It was hard not because of the course but because I did not plan my nutrition well.  I had my piece of pizza, which is what I use on long runs, but I just didn't eat it.  Had I eaten, I think I could have pushed in the last 2 miles and finish in under 4 hrs, barely.  Well, we finished at 4 hrs and 8 minutes.  We finished!

The finish line was crazy!  The Latinas Run group was waiting for me!  Then 1 more Latinas Run runner finished and it was like we erupted.  There was so much joy and love at that finish line.  This was unusual for a road race.  The only time I have gotten that kind of love was at TROT races.  So I love my Latinas Run group.  Honestly, I felt so good that I didn't really care I was exhausted or gross from running.  I was joyous.

After the race, I enjoyed a nap and pizza.  I was by myself, my cabinmates headed out for burgers with a larger group from the Latinas Run Summit.  It was amazing. I ate pizza and watched 80s movies.  Best recovery ever!

Okay, let me wrap this up.  Trip home:  on the drive, I was complaining that I never got to see any goats.  I saw Elk but no goats.  Then as we were rounding down the mountain, we came upon a large group stopped on the side of the road.  I was thinking it was a driver in distress but no, it was a family of goats!  It was amazing!

The airport looked super crazy.  We get there and I have 1 hr until I'm supposed to be flying out.  The security line was wrapped back over itself and looked crazy long.  It moved very quickly.  It looked worse than it actually was.  In the middle, the line turns into a huge space so that 2 people can walk side-by-side so the drug dog can walk around you.  So you have been warned, Denver airport looks scary but moves quite quickly.

Would I do it again?  Yes!

Will I do it again?  I'm saving my pennies!

Running goals

I am a very goal oriented person.  I like having something I am working towards.  In theory, my running goal was to run a marathon by the time I turn 40.  I have about 5 months to go and I can totally do it but my question to myself is why?  It seems pretty arbitrary.  I am a runner.  The distance, time, pace, none of that determines my runner status.  I get off my ass and run. 

I wanted to run the NacHalf about 2 week ago.  I trained for it.  I got injured.  I sat out.  I'm slowly going back to running.  I'm covering a 5k a week.  Way less than the 10 or miles a week I was running before.  5k seems to be just long enough for a workout and to clear my headspace.  Which makes me question running a marathon, if 5k clears my head, what are the other 23 miles for?

I could train for a faster mile time.  Maybe aim for a sub 10 min mile?  Work my way back up to running a 10k without intervals, which I was doing before switching to intervals to help me get through 13-miles.  Maybe after my dad's surgery, I'll get my head back around to the marathon.  5 months is a long time and I'm not just sitting on my ass.  I am still running and moving.  If I can run 13-miles, then with some training I know I can cover 26.  We'll see. . .

Bitter pill of never enough

One of my defining characteristics is that I'm a very driven person.  If I put my mind to it I will do it.  This is a good and bad thing.  I am lucky to be able to focus not on things but usually on improving myself.  I know some people are driven to get stuff but stuff is not a big factor for me.  I usually put my energy into education, career, marriage, friends, or my child.  I don't let things or people stand in the way of something I want.

So why the drive?  Why do I have to work so hard?  The answer is pretty easy.  I think most people who are driven come from a place of fear.  Fear of not having enough money, enough food, enough love.  Not a need for more just a fear of not enough.  At least that is my drive.  I don't want more money.  I am happy being poor but I am afraid of not being able to choose this as my life.  I hate the idea of living by default.  Maybe the root fear is actually control.  I hate to be out of control too.  I know control is a total figment of my imagination.  I know I control nothing.  I think I am sitting safely at my desk but the roof could cave in and kill so so much for control, right.

The idea of enough has been really present in my mind since reading Daring Greatly from Brene Brown.  I can so easily see in my life were I feel like I am not enough and that is from childhood.  I have never felt enough for anything.  I'm not Mexican enough, or American enough.  I'm not skinny enough for the normal girl clothes section or fat enough for the big girls section.  I'm smart but not I'm always just behind in getting a concept down or being able to express my thoughts fully.  I just told Dh the other day, I'm pretty but not pretty enough to make anyone want to risk actually hitting on me.  At the same time I'm not ugly enough for anyone to really notice me either.  I feel like I live in the gray space of invisibility.

I think most of that is a comfort thing.  I don't want to really be noticed because then I would have a responsibility. I want to be able to operate at my own place and in my own space.  I want to set a goal and achieve it; earn a masters, run a 10k, get some research published.  I think I lost my point but anyways, I am driven.  Driven by fear mostly but it works for me so onward I march.  Maybe someday I'll feel like I'm enough at something, hell maybe the best at something till then I gotta work.

2013 Year End Review - 2014 Goals

So a quick year end review first.  2013 was not an easy year.  It was full of hard work and seemingly little pay off.  Of course I'm saying that in my whiney voice.  This last 6 months have been very hard but I survived and I'm better for it.  Here is a list of victories for 2013 (not bragging just reminding myself that it wasn't all bad)
1. I have a 4.0 in my doctorate program after 5 classes (Fall 2013 had me taking 3 classes so I'm very surprised by the 4.0)
2. I completed my first 10k with a time of 83:30.  I set the goal at the beginning of the semester so it was a good end to the whole thing.
3. DH has an ownership stake in the local coffee shop.  Never saw that coming.
4.  Ravebaby is alive and well!  Not always an easy thing to do with an active pre-schoolers who also has a wheat allergy.

2013 was okay but I'm ready to kick 2014 in the ding-dong (Per Max Reynolds of Social Bliss).  I'm setting just a few fitness goals and keeping myself flexible since the 10k was a mid-year goal.  I don't want to focus on my weight.  Honestly I'm so sick of that shit!  I'm a big girl and I'm beautiful.  Fitness to me is about being and feeling stronger so that is what I want.
Goal 1 - Complete at least one Mamavation 2-week bootcamp.  This will push me to do some strength building workouts with accountability.  I hate weights but I got to get stronger for goal #2.
Goal 2 - Work my mile time down to 12min miles. I think this is modest and do able.  Right now I'm at 13:30/mile.  I'm at a loss how to do this but I'll get there.
Goal 3 - Run another race.  The weekend doctorate classes have kept me out of most races this last semester but I want to keep completing races.  I think it will keep me running since I"m goal oriented and it will keep me working toward Goal 2.

Goals not set - weight.  This just doesn't seem like a good measure of anything so why bother focusing on it?
Distance - I want to run a marathon at some point but I just don't want to go there yet.  I want to run faster maybe I'll end up running a half-marry or full marry who knows at this point.

So that is the year-end review and where I'm thinking of going.  Let ring in the new year and then kick in the ding-dong!

Mamavation Monday: family affair

So since DH and I started trying to workout back in October, we have noticed that our number one motivator isn't each other but our 3-year-old, Ravebaby. Just about daily she'll ask to workout. If we workout while she is napping and she finds out about, she gets mad. There have been times when I workout before she gets up in the morning and she'll require we workout together. I am not a fan of working out after I just worked out but I like that she wants to get moving. It is pretty hard to tell Ravebaby no so it's a big motivator to get up and move if nothing else to keep the child from whining about wanting to work out.

Along with Ravebaby wanting to workout together, I am also finding it difficult to go out to run. I just can't kick myself into gear! I've started doing the Kenya Moore Booty Bootcamp and have a lot of fun with it. I am moving and working out but I'm not running. I am really struggling to decide what is my purpose for working out. Do I want to run a half-marry or would I rather see the changes in my body, ie losing inches? I know I want to be healthy and working out is part of that. I do like the challenge of running longer or faster but I was not seeing any changes as far as losing weight o inches. So I need to figure out the why to the working out. I'll get there for know I'm happy to moving and keep moving.

This post is sponsored by Color Maker & Mamavation – a community dedicated to obesity prevention & weight loss for women. I’m writing this to be entered into a giveaway

Mamavation Monday: damn scale

So I weighted myself a couple of weeks ago. Remember how I said I never weight myself cause it messes with my head? Well it has messed with my head. I am feeling fat all because I had found out I was 10 lbs heavier than I thought. 10 lbs in the grand scheme of things is nothing. I lose 30 or so going wheatfree and have kept 20 of that off for the last three years! Not too bad. I need to cut myself a break. I am slowly going back to running and working out. Very slowly going back!

I have started doing my power 90 strength training and cardio. I tried the abs 100 and it kicked my butt. However I spent most of last week nursing a hurt back. It hurt! I took Tuesday til Friday. I went for a 17 min run on Saturday and hit 2k or just under 1.5 miles. Really not horrible for having a three month break from running. I went slow and I want to work my way back to about 10 miles a week. I had been doing so good! I am aiming for a half mary. I can do it! I can do it. I can do it?

Anyways, I feel fat. I am not fat. I just feel fat. I guess you could in fact fight the assessment of my fatness but whatever! I will keep working out and keep moving. I am also working hard to eat cleaner. So more cooking and planning ahead. I know that if we eat at home I will feel better because I will know what I am putting in my body. I am also going to do better about packing my lunch so that I am not stressing in the morning and worrying about what I am going to eat. I must plan ahead!

This post is sponsored by Mamavation – a community dedicated to obesity prevention & weight loss for women and I’m writing this to be entered into a giveaway” at the bottom of your post.

Mamavation Monday: 2013 goals?

So here is the reality of me at the moment, I have no clue what my fitness goals are for 2013.  I want to run a marathon but for this year I have my eyes on a half-marathon.   I feel like I can do.  I feel like this is a not scary goal.  Maybe I am selling myself short. Maybe I just don't believe in myself enough but I also don't want to set myself up for failure.  I am sure I can in the next 12 months work my way to that half-marathon.  But that isn't the only thing on my mind.  I want a baby.  I have spent the last 6 months waiting for a positive pregnancy test.  Each month my period comes and my hope fades.  I am not going to work my life around a baby that mgjt never come but I also want to keep myself open to a babu and therefore a change in fitness goals.

We'll see what the next year brings.  Maybe a baby, maybe a completed marathon.   I am open.

So here are the stats for the beginning of the year:
Weight: 221
Height: 5'4"
Chest: 47"
Waist: 44"
Hips: 48"

This post is sponsored by Schick Intuition and hosted by Mamavation – a community dedicated to obesity prevention & weight loss for women and I’m writing this to be entered into a giveaway.

5k rundown and birthday lowdown

So exactly 7 days ago I ran my first 5k.  I did well for me.  I ran 36.24!  I had set a goal for myself of 36 minutes.  Then as I got closer and it seemed I was clocking closer to 40 mins in training I back my goal to 40 mins.  I wanted to push myself but not discourage myself.  I also most hit my original goal!  I didn't use my iPhone during the run so I was running blind.  There weren't any markers for how far I had gone.  We finished on a track so I knew I only had 1/4 a of mile left and I kicked into high gear for my finish.  I felt so good!  I really couldn't believe how well I did.  I'm hooked.  I want to train up to a 10k, half marathon and eventually in the future a marathon.  I love the accomplishment I feel when I finish.  I love setting a goal for the run and then meeting it.  I don't think I'll ever be a fast runner but I am a runner.

I've been a bit MIA from blogging lately.  I've got a new part-time job plus I'm enjoying my life.  I use to blog in my free time and now I'm running or running after my Ravebaby.  Life is really good.  Yesterday I had the chance to see The Hates, a punk rock group from Houston.  I had a blast.  On Thursday, I got a henna tattoo, my first.  I had been wanting one and then someone just up and offered to do them so that people could have them for The Hates show.  I love it! 

Today is my birthday.  I've had such a good year.  I feel like I'm finally where I need to be.  I'm not working myself to death for a paycheck.  I'm reaching goals that only a few months ago seems impossible.  What will this next year bring?  God only knows.  What do I want?  I want a baby.  This baby quest has a direct effect on want #2 which is to finish a 10k.  Since I'm not running a 10k yet, I think a baby would derail the training but it's a derailment that I would gladly welcome.  I want to continue to listen to the universe and to learn to keep going with the flow of life.  I want a lot, don't I!  I'm looking forward to seeing everything that comes my way.

My henna tattoo

I just want to be even

So DH and I were talking yesterday and the subject of the future came up as it tends to do.  The question of ultimately what are we working towards being the number one thing.  When we were young and stupid (oh wait I did say young) we wanted to be millionaires by the time we were 30.  We're in our 30s are dirt poor so that goal changed along the way.  We wanted a huge family.  We only have one kid and it seems at this rate if we are lucky enough to have another one we'll be doing good.   So where are we and were are we going?
The other day I heard "I want to be rich" by Calloway and the thought came to me that I don't want to be rich.  Honestly, Biggie had it right, Mo' Money Mo' Problems!  I just want to be even.  I want enough money to pay our bills.  I don't need anything fancy.  I don't care if I never have a new car.  I don't need a house with a white picket fence.  Heck, I'm okay if I never get an iPad (and yes I do want an iPad, I have a birthday coming up if you want to give me your old used one :)).  I just want to be able to pay our bills every month and be able to have a little bit on hand in case of an emergency.  I just want to be even.
Right now we are far from even.  Now that I'm not working, we struggling.  It's okay.  I don't like this position but I know God is working on me.  I know that I'm learning a lot about what is really important in life.  While I've never been a super materialist person, I did become change.  I developed a taste for electronics and sushi.  I'm getting better.  My life right now isn't perfect but I'm happier now than I have been in a while.  I'm feeling at peace.  So maybe I'm poor but God has got this.