Pace Shame

So I love Brene Brown and read everything by her and really try to take in the lessons on vulnerability and connection.  I struggle with belonging and that struggle means I cling to people, teams, jobs, and such.  But that is a different post, this is really about shame.  One of Brene's bits of wisdom is that if we cannot ask for help without judging ourselves then we cannot help others without judging them. 

As I was running the other day and listening to Nike call out my pace, I began to think about my pace at this time last year.  Of course, I was running like crazy to avoid my life because it sucked to be me.  My pace now is way slow by comparison but my life is so much better than I'll take the slow pace on my runs and in my life.  

Now before the marathon, I was doing my long runs on a 1-mile loop at the local zoo.  I was out there for hours at a time so I would see people come out and run a 1 mile, run 3 miles, run 10.  I just kept my intervals and shared the track.  After my 18 mile run, one of the guys that had been running stopped by to ask about my run.  He was talking about trying really hard to build distance and that he noticed I kept messing with my watch as I ran.  I told him about Galloway running and that I had kept like a 17-minute pace over the whole run.  But I said it in a way that let him know I wasn't happy with my pace.  His response when I think of it now kills me.  He looked down and said I wish I was that fast for just my 5k.  Before thinking, before I even give him a chance to be seen, I had shamed him.  I didn't mean to.  Honestly but I did it anyway.

Keeping your pace.  Keeping up with your pace.  All runners know "their pace."  I can tell you that I usually run around 13min on an indoor track, 14 min on an outdoor track, and 19 on the trails.  I do this while running 30/30 intervals.  I know that for some people looking at these numbers they think I'm so slow.  Other people looking at it go, wow that is way faster than me.  It is just my pace and I use these numbers to help me gauge my run.  Did I push today?  Did I run some recovery miles?  Am I running faster on this surface or slower?  I work hard to not measure myself against other people.  I am not running for anyone but me.  I don't care if I ever run in an elite race, ie Boston Marathon.  I don't want to end a run dying because I push so hard that I don't enjoy the run. 

So I always post my run pace.  Nike makes it super easy and I like that I can go back on Instagram and see my pace back a year ago.  People hide their pace.  Once upon a time, I would have told you that any run that I didn't beat 15 min pace was a bad run.  I don't think that anymore.  If I finished 1 mile at 20 min/miles and I finished with a smile on my face then that was a good run. 

I don't hide my pace because I want everyone to run and go out for a run.  There are so many websites, magazines, dialogue about running that is based on the idea that a runner looks like x and runs x pace.  Fuck all of that shit, if you get off your ass and run 30 seconds then you are a runner.  If all we see online, in print, or on the street/trail/track are "runners" then we, the non-traditional runners, would never leave the shadows.  Part of changing the dialogue is being seen in all aspects of running, not only our distance and sweaty face but our pace. 

I believe in you and if you seeing my big 20 min miles helps you get out there and believe in you then I will keep posting my pace.  If you ever think that you can't do it remember that pace changes based on everything: weather, terrain, mental state.  I challenge you to post your pace.  See your growth or maybe like me, you actually go backward.  No shame either way.  1 mile is 1 mile at 7 minutes, 13 minutes, 21 minutes.  Or in the case of the picture below: a marathon is 26.2 miles whether it takes 4 hours, 6, hours, 8 hours, or 20 hours.  #mypacenoshame

Rainy days and Mondays . . .

Actually I really like rainy day and I'm not a part of the all Monday's suck crew, unless I hate my job then Mondays are the worst.  So then what the hell am I trying to say here?  A friend posted the other day some meme about remembering that some people would kill for your bad days so watch yourself kinda thing and it got me thinking about bad days.

When it comes to social media, I try to keep it real.  If I have a "bad day" then I will post about it.  Not to get sympathy but to keep it real and to try to reach out and connect.  So many people post only about their wonderful lives and never about their dark days.  There are times that it makes me feel awful and jealous to see all the wonderfulness in everyone else's life and wonder what the hell I'm doing wrong that my life isn't like that.  That is when I have to check myself.  To remind myself that they are posting the good to celebrate and celebrate they should but also posting your dark days is considered a bad thing to do.  We are suppose to hide our bad day, our struggle, and be ashamed to need help.  When we only post the good stuff then those people who struggle fall deeper into the shame spiral.  What am I doing wrong because everyone I know is having a great life?  I must be broken because I have bad days.

Here is some truth from me.  I have bad days and I have every right to feel bad on those days.  Yes I am blessed.  Yes there are people who would love to have my bad days but guess what I still have the right to my bad days! 

I am blessed beyond measure.  I know this but I don't always feel this.  I have a good marriage.  I have two amazing children.  My parents are alive and supportive.  I have decent in-laws.  I have an amazing career.  I know I am blessed. 

I still get to have bad days.  You don't have the right to tell me to feel better now because your day was worse or you know someone who has it worse.  There are days when DH and I feel completely disconnected when it feels like the work of marriage is too much.  Or the days my children get me up at 4am for the umpteeth time in a row and I can't think straight.  I have had days when I'm stuck in one town 3 hours away from my dad while he is undergoing cancer treatment and I just want to go be supportive but I don't have either the time or the money to make the trip.  The two weeks dad was in the hospital and we weren't sure he was going to survive were bad days.  Just because you have to worse doesn't mean that I don't get to have bad days.

This is not a bad days competition.  You can ignore me or you can type something supportive but people don't tell me it could be worse.  Don't tell me about your other friend who is having a worse day so that I can feel better.  I will feel better.  I know I will but in that moment of struggle I am reaching out and trying to connect and let others know that while yes I am blessed, I too struggle.  We all struggle.  WE ALL STRUGGLE!  There is no shame in the struggle.  Don't be afraid to reach out.  Just because we all struggle doesn't mean your struggle is less than mine or that you should be ashamed that my struggle could be worse so you shouldn't say anything.  You have a right to your bad days.  You have a right to feel bad.  You have a right to reach out and post about it. 

Saying good-bye or saying see you later

Today makes 2 years that a friend from college passed away from colon cancer.  I have and have had many mixed feelings about it.  This was one of the first friendships that ended badly and it was an ending focused on me being dropped because I didn't fit in/ I didn't have enough good stuff to outweigh my bad.  Seems like a strong theme of my life - if I am me, me completely then no one wants to deal with me.  I write that but of course, DH would argue that can't be true since after over 20 years he is still with me.  I also have other friends who have been with me for years and years.

But I digress, back to the dead friend.  Before she passed, she asked me to visit her while I was in Baltimore working on my dissertation research.   At that point in our lives we were Facebook friends but not call each other have actual intimacy friends.  I didn't make the effort.  I made excuses.  Actually, she never followed up with me while I was in Baltimore so I decided it was an invitation made due to old memories and an actual want.  I feel guilty.  She was dying.  Within four months, she would be dead and I didn't bother to respond.  I couldn't have known.  I was selfish and still harboring feelings of hurt from almost 15 years previous.  I was an asshat plain and simple.

I am a bit melancholy today.  I am dealing with my dad's colon cancer.  We have a strong rotation of family through our house.  People wanting to see my dad, make sure they do it before things turn bad.  It is a good plan.  Almost 2 weeks ago, my dad was rushed into surgery for what turned out to be a 2nd cancerous tumor.  The wait, the anxiety, the fear of watching my dad be admitted to the hospital.  To watch a simple doctor's visit turn into surgery was scary and exhausting.  Our stay in Temple went from 2 nights to 5.  From budgeted to a budget buster.  From simple cancer diagnoses to cancer treatment.

Melancholy - it is a good word.  I am thinking and feeling rather than talking.  Staying silent usually makes the melancholy worse but the feeling that I can't talk to anyone traps me in a cycle of feeling sad, feeling lonely, being scared to reach out, so then I feel sad, I feel lonely, which makes me more scared to reach out and you know the cycle become a spiral of sadness and shame.

I am ashamed of how I treated my old friends.  I should have reached out.  Met the offer to meet with kindness and effort.  I didn't.  I can't change it.  I can learn from it.  I'm not learning very fast as I was again recently dropped for being an awful person.  Maybe one day, I'll meet an old friend who hurt me for coffee and I'll smile and it will be okay between us until then I'll work on keeping my eyes open to the opportunity.

Embarrassing times in red underwear

Embarrassing is such a hard emotion for me.  Usually embarrassment turns to shame pretty quickly but on Tuesday I actually dared greatly and reached out before it took an ugly turn. 

This is the facebook message I sent to my band mates:

Okay have to share an embarrassing story with you girls. I decided to wear a dress today and on my way to my office I did not know that my backpack would cause my dress to ride up in the back. I was almost at my building when I felt a cool breeze. Yes my ass was all out Good thing I was wearing my red Charlotte set! So I guess I was advertising for Golden Pear.

Yes ladies and the random dude looking for boob pics, I walked in front of the library with my red panties showing, like my ass was all out.  So why tell you good readers this?  I love the work of Dr. Brene Brown and after rewatching some of her Oprah's Lifeclass on Sunday, I am working to dare greatly and identify shame in my life.  

One of the lessons from Dr. Brene Brown is that shame cannot survive being spoken.  If I had told no one then I would have turned that into a shame spiral for myself.  It would have gone from me calling myself stupid for wearing a dress in the first place to body shame to the effect of no one noticed because no one would want to look at your fat ass.  See shame is an ugly thing but rather than sink into the hole of shame, I did what Dr. Brown said and I reached out.  I called my husband and told him.  He made me see the funny side of it.  Then I sent a message to my girls from Red Shoe P&*%.  No one told me I was fat or ugly or how awful or how they would have died on the spot.  Everyone helped me see the funny aspect and the great opportunity for selling underwear and the punk lifestyle I had created for myself.  

Yes it was embarrassing.  It still is embarrassing.  There is no telling what you will think or how you will want to shame me but I hope this helps someone else reach out too.  It is amazing how many people have had experiences similar to those we go through and they wish they had someone to talk to too.  There is an old saying that says there is nothing new under the sun.  If that is true then someone else on this planet is or has gone through something similar to us and we all want to be able to connect and share with someone.  There is no reason to carry shame with us.  Share your story.  

AD TIME:
I was wearing this set which is available at Golden Pear or your local Parfait by Affinitas store. (Hey why not sell some set for my girl at Golden Pear :) )

Learning that I am worthy

So my struggle to feel worthy of love, respect, anything, is nothing new to anyone who has read my blog with any frequency. In the last few weeks I have found a new avenue for trying to feel worthy. It happened quite by accident and I have TV to blame for it.

The story as follows:
I woke up early one Sunday morning about fours weeks ago and discovered both DD and DH were still asleep. Sunday is my sleep in day so DD usually wakes me up. I was annoyed to be up early on a Sunday but grateful for the "me" time. I've become a fan of the Travel Channel as of late and I turned to find a show I had seen several times before. I don't really like rewatching shows and I settled in for some channel surfing. Why I turned to OWN first I have no clue but I'm glad I did.

On the screen was Oprah speaking to Dr. Brene Brown. The familiar Texas accent kept me from changing the channel immediately. As I watched I began hear real words of wisdom. It wasn't someone who was enlightened and above me trying to tell me about how I should live my life but a down to earth struggling human just like me.

Now I don't do self help books or follow gurus but after Brene's Super Soul Sunday appearance, I have to admit I'm hooked. If you are not familiar with Brene's work, I highly recommend looking up her TED talk. (Actually I linked it at the bottom of this post.). She is a shame researcher. Normally that would have made me run but on that day I listened. Hearing the universal nature of shame and how to move past it so as to learn to feel worthy just spoke to my soul. I checked out Brene's book, Daring Greatly, from the library and devoured it. I am read pretty slowly and between doctoral work assignment all I really want to do is hang with my family but I just could not put the book down.

Who doesn't want to feel worthy? Who doesn't deal with shame on some level? Who would not want to do everything in their power to make sure their child never questions their own worth? So I read. I've seen Brene's TED talks and OWN appearances and I just bought her book The Gifts of Imperfection. I am moving forward to feeling and living like I am worthy and I am enough because I am worthy and I am enough. What I really like about Brene Brown is that she admits she struggles with all of the worthy and shame issues too. As I move forward I know that at the least I know one other person is also struggling on this path, of course Brene's point is we are not alone.

Anyways, at this point I have DH and most of the coffee crew reading Daring Greatly. We are doing a pseudo-reading group. It is amazing feeling like I can talk about shameful things and know that I was never alone in dealing with those things, I was just afraid to be judged for those things.

I highly recommend you look up Dr. Brene Brown. At this point in my life, Brene Brown was the voice I needed to hear. I am vulnerable and my shame in feeling vulnerable has been holding me from really living my life. As part of my doctoral program, we are working towards critical self-reflection. Do you know how vulnerable and naked it feels when talking about your grammar mistakes in front of a group of doctoral students? Or being the ex-teacher who thinks public education is bullshit in a room full of current teachers and principals? It is not a good feeling but I am surviving and I think I am learning that standing out and up for what I believe is actually a good thing. I have no reason to hide me because it am worthy of respect and of my feelings and if I can stand up and dare greatly in sharing my opinions then I might just open another persons eyes to the wonders of unschooling. I know I am totally losing my point with my rambling.

So to conclude go and read some Brene Brown.

5 things I should be ashamed of but I'm not

1.  I love Hootie and the Blowfish.  Yes, they are so 1990 but love is love.  Saw them in concert a few years ago.  Made my life at the time complete.  DH HATES THEM.  Oh well. :)

2.  I hate Pink Floyd.  Don't get them don't want to.  DH LOVES THEM.  Again, oh well.

3.  I am a Texan who has never been to the rodeo.  It was an animal ethical treatment thing for awhile but now I just don't want to go.

4.  I find smoking soothing, which is why I don't smoke.  It is a horrible nasty habit but taking just one drag can just calm my nerves then I begin to hack and my lung hurt for literally days.  So not worth it.

5.  I find the smell of pine to be the most soothing scent ever.  It was even my birthing scent.  My dad has always worked in a sawmill so pine is soothing and reminds me of my daddy coming home from work.

So there you go.  You know my not so secret shame.

Someone's youtube video from the Danville, VA concert, which I was at.  I was right at the stage in front of Darius!  I didn't see me in the video but I was there!