Setting the audacious goal

 So, when I was in Colorado for the Latinas Run Summit, I had my interview with Ultimate Direction and one of the questions was about my running goals.  I do have a ready answer for that: 50k.  My goal is to complete a 50k trail race.  But as I began to answer the question, I was struck with something that up to that point I hadn't realized: I'm comfortable with my current running routine: 3-4x per week at least 30 minutes, pace need not apply.  I have been struggling with really kicking my ass into gear because I have gotten into a comfortable routine with my running.

There is nothing wrong with being comfortable.  We all strive for comfort.  Comfort food, comfortable clothing, comfy place to sit; we are wired to seek comfort.  So why is comfort bad in this situation?  Well, I have a goal and I can't get there if all I do is what is comfortable.

If you read runners' stories, like world-class athletes, they usually mention getting comfortable with being uncomfortable.  I forgot exactly who said it but it was a female marathoner who had gotten her time to Olympic qualifying and she mentioned running so hard she would throw up.  She would run so hard until she threw up and then do it again until she stopped throwing up.  She got stronger but first, she got uncomfortable.  

So what does any of that have to do with me?  Well, I am a goal setter.  I work towards things.  After I finished my doctorate and got my dad through cancer treatment, I ran a marathon.  It took me 8 hrs.  Since then my tentative goal has been a 50k.  I set my mind and then something derails me.  Life happens.  So it is a nebulous goal.  Something that I know I can do.  The goal is to finish not break my back doing it so I have been laissez-faire about it.  

Again so what?  Well after listening to episode #38 of The Not Your Average Runner podcast with Jill Angie and guest Corinne Crabtree, I realized I was not growing as a runner because I was comfortable.  Comfortable with mostly walking.  Comfortable with pushing the 50k into the future.  Honestly, I wasn't just comfortable, I was scared to really commit to the goal deep in my soul.  I want to get faster as a runner.  Not just like nebulous faster but I want to cut my marathon time in half.  

Full stop: what did I just think? Say? Write?  I came home from that realization and immediately told my husband.  Y'all it is an audacious goal.  Right now, I mostly walk.  On a good day, I have a 16-18 min mile.  A 4-hour marathon means sub 10 min miles for 26.1 miles.  That is overwhelming as fuck to think about.  How in the world will I, this little chubby 250+ lbs runner/mostly walker, cut my pace by almost 10 mins?

Well first, I have to get my mind right.  Yes, it is audacious but it is doable even by me.  Second, I have to get SMART.  Here is the goal: Run a 4-hour marathon by my 50th birthday.  I have 8 years which might seem like a long time but honestly, it will fly so I have to get to work.  I have to go back to running instead of enjoying my walk/runs.  Yes, I can still do intervals but I have to do the fucking intervals even if it hurts.  If I puke, I puke.  Y'all I have to get way uncomfortable.

What exactly am I doing differently today than when I decided on my real goal 2 weeks ago?  I am doing speed runs.  Maybe my mile pace doesn't look different from my recovery pace but I am pushing.  I have changed up my cross-training to work on core strength and explosive power.  I have also dropped my distance.  I am maxing out at a 10k.  I cannot get the pace down and distance at the same time.  Maybe some of y'all can but I can't.  That was one of the realizations from The Not Your Average Runner episode, you can't really multitask.  Jill Angie says it all the time, you can become a runner and you can lose weight but you can't do 1 run for both.  If my focus is getting my mile time down to sub-10 minutes then that is my short-term goal.  My weight will do what it will.  I may not be able to do an unassisted pull-up but I will be consistent with my cross-training with the explicit goal of getting faster.

Once I get my pace where I need it then I can start increasing my distance again.  I know I can cover the distance.  I have done it before.  It took me 8 hrs but I did it.  I am a marathoner.  Now to go for the big goal, the goal that scares the shit out of me.  Why does it scare me?  Because I might not be able to do it.  Why does it scare me?  Because fuck, I might be able to do it.  What if I do this then who am I?  Then will I step fully into my badassery?  Make career moves that right now I am passing on because I'm comfortable?

What happens next?  Lots of speed work, I have done two speed drills so far and a few 5ks in the last couple of weeks and you know what?  My fastest mile time so far was 12:08!  Y'all, I honestly forgot I could do that.  I didn't even puke which means I could have run harder.  I can run harder!  I have so much work ahead of me and I am excited to do it.  

Girl, set the audacious goal for your fitness, your career, your education, your health, your marriage.  You are capable of getting anything you set your mind to do!  In the meanwhile, I'll be puking on the side of the road from exhaustion, maybe excitement, who knows but I have a strong feeling puke is in my future.

 

It's just me - Low Self Esteem and other fun issues

I was binge watching Downton Abbey last month and I had forgotten about all of the wonderful lines that Dame Maggie Smith delivers with impeccable timing and tone.  In one episode, Isobel walks into the room and says, "It's just me." and the Dowager replies that "I always feel that greeting betrays such a lack of self worth."  

It suddenly hit me that I do that all of the time.  I say "It's just me."  I thought about it a bit and realized that in fact I lack self-worth and I'm giving others the opportunity to devalue me before anything else happens.  When someone forgets a meeting with me to runs late and apologizes, I usually say, "Oh don't worry it's just me."  In other words, I'm not worth your worry, I'm worth less than others and my time isn't as valuable. 

I've completed a doctorate and while I worked on the stupid thing, I would tell people "If I can do it then anyone can." Which is true but just because I did doesn't mean you can.  This really ticked me off once when someone who has not yet to this day finished their undergraduate degree looked at me and said, "Well if you can do then anybody can."  Like somehow I'm so slow or stupid that everyone else is better than me so obviously if I can anybody can.  The funny thing is nobody that I know that has actually ever started their doctorate has ever said anything like that to me.  The only people who have ever been like "Oh, it must not be that hard if you did it" are all people who have never gotten past the undergrad level.  

Same with the marathon.  Yes, I was slow but I finished.  Again, "Oh if you can do it then anyone can." Maybe but that doesn't mean you can.  And again, no one that has ever started a marathon has ever demeaned me for my time on the finish or anything close to that.  They always high-five and congratulate me.  People who have never lined up, yeah they pull that anyone can card.

So what does it mean that "If I can then anybody can" versus "Just because I did doesn't mean you can." Well first of all I want everyone to pursue their dreams and reach their goals.  You shining doesn't take away from my shine.  Secondly, I have accomplished tasks that put me in the 1% or even .5% of the population.  I am a fucking unicorn.  I haven't done things that are impossible if you work for them.  You can walk a marathon.  You can take 10 years to finish your dissertation.  I'm not a genius.  I am 100% of average intelligence.  I am not a thin running gazelle.  I am an overweight chunky woman.  What I have that anyone who has ever finished a marathon or dissertation has is a refusal to quit.  It takes stamina, both mental and physical for both.

If I have ever given you the impression that I am ordinary then I do apologize.  If you have ever met me and thought well she's not that special then again I'm sorry.  You need to understand that you stand and have stood in the presence of greatness.  I am extraordinary.  I am exemplary.  I am a fucking unicorn that is covered in diamonds and poops gold.  

Don't you ever dare think you can be me.  I don't give a shit if you run faster and further than me.  Please, beat my running PRs.  I want you to do well.  Don't ever tell you me that my doctorate is less than someone's from the Ivy League.  I spent less money and still get called Doctor.  Never make the mistake of thinking that because I tell you that "It's just me" means that I don't understand my own awesomeness.

Do I feel awesome?  Fuck no!  Do I walk around like those Ivy League grads with a stick up my butt forgetting that I'm a poor Mexican woman?  Fuck no!  I know I look like everyone else you know but I'm not.  As my boss told me this week, I am meant for bigger and better things than where I stand today and people where I stand today is pretty damn awesome.  I have accomplished a shit ton of stuff with half the resources and God-given talent of those around me.  

Line up at the start line and I'll be your pit crew.  I'll be your faithful cheerleader.  I'll stand in the cold, rain, wind to watch you finish your marathon if it takes you 4 hours or 20.  But don't you dare tell me you can be me.

I'll read and edit your research papers.  I'll drive you to your interviews.  I'll sit at your defense and take you for a celebration when they pronounce you Doctor.  But don't you dare tell me you can be me.

I am the product of luck, opportunity, ambition, DNA, failure, and grit.  I am amazing.  I am exemplary.  I am extraordinary.   

Wayne's World Marathon - Party time? Excellent?

I finished the Wayne's World Marathon with an official time of 8:03:09.  I was targeting finishing in less than 8 hours and almost did it.  According to my Nike Run Club app, I was under 8 hours but that is because Nike stops when you stop so I "lost" about 10 minutes at the fuel table/water station.  I'm good with it.  I was not last!  I actually passed up 2 people who had been about 12 minutes ahead of me.  My last loop was difficult and satisfying. 

I have found that with each long run/new distance I have a transition point.  I have a bit of a breakdown or major breakdown.  Much like transitioning during childbirth, I am different and maybe a slightly better me afterward.  At Hell's Hills it was about mile 13 or so.  At Wayne's World, it was mile 22 or so.  I was running on the bridge for the 8th time knowing I had to do it one more time and I just couldn't.  Brandon Flower's Crossfire was playing and I was crying.  I wanted to quit but I knew I had really come too far to stop now.  I wasn't sure if I started the last loop I could finish it but I also knew I would regret it for the rest of my life if I stopped.  I was in pain in all realms: physical, mental, spiritual.  As I walked into the water station I was still in transition.  DH took my water pack but snapped my phone belt which just about ended my day.  Now he didn't break it.  He just undid the snap because it was my water pack.  I was tired, transitioning, and oh yeah facing 3 more miles.  I was not rational in that moment. 

My last loop once I got going became an amazing growth experience.  I run 30/30 intervals; however, I spent a few miles just walking and ignoring my intervals.  See if I stuck to them I would have finished well under 8 hours but I digress.  I took off from the water station running.  I ran for about 2 minutes convinced that if I stopped running I would just stop maybe even die, transition time is a bitch, people.  After 2 minutes, I realized there was no way I could run the next 3 miles without walking some so I made a deal with myself, for the last loop I would stick to the intervals and if I drop dead at the finish then it was just meant to be that way.  As I passed things, I would amp myself up with the thought, "I never have to fucking see this again!" 

I could feel myself get stronger with each step.  I could feel the finish.  I could feel the accomplishment of a goal. I just had to push a little bit longer.  I caught up to 2 people.  I was, in theory, going to finish with them but I was just feeling my pace so I just kept going.  I ran straight into DH's arm and had my tears of victory.  Then the pit crew came into view.  They had been taking care of me for over 8 hours.  They shoved, lovingly and expertly, soda, pickle juice, bananas, and just about anything else a good water station has in my face and hands.  They gave me high fives.  They gave me hugs.  They gave me knowing looks that said, "Next time you'll do even better and yes there will be a next time." 

I can't say enough good things about Running the Distance, LLC.  The race was wonderful.  The description on the race site was spot on.  The volunteers cheered us on by name.  They create a community around the race.  I was a little sad to not be running the next day with them.  I will be back to run with them.  Maybe I'll run the actual triple someday and not just Wayne's World. 

So was Wayne's World a partytime excellent marathon?  I would say so.  Well I give it excellent.  Was it a partytime?  Considering it was the closest to a birthday I have had in years, I'll give it a partytime too.  Yes, it was partytime, excellent!

Happy Birthday to me! 40 & a Marathoner

So you read that correctly, I turned 40 recently.  On that day to celebrate, I ran my 1st marathon.  Technically, I ran it before I turned 40 since I finished before my birth time!

My journey to the marathon was not easy.  Actually, the marathon itself wasn't exactly easy either.  In 12 months, I went from running 5k to completing a marathon and it was all because of cancer, my dad's cancer.

I've written before about my want/need to run away from the whole situation.  I call it the summer of suck but it started back in March of 2018 really.  I wanted to be a good person and stay at a job that I felt called to do but completely burned out on.  They say when the holy spirit is speaking to you, it will move anything and everything to get you to listen.  I never listen in a timely manner!

I wonder what I would be doing had I listen when everything started to turn.  What if I had stepped away when I first felt it instead of fighting the current?  No one can say for sure, but I'm pretty sure that I would not be on this side of 40 as a marathoner.

I could make the long list of clues but it is a pretty painful and personal list.  I will say that I have lost a lot since March 2018.  I lost a lot of sleep.  I cried a lot of tears.  I swallowed my pride a lot.  I nearly blew up my marriage.  I blew up my career.  I faced the possible loss of my dad and my youngest daughter.

I'll be writing a post on lessons learned along the 26.2 miles of the Wayne's World marathon.  But for those of you who have been reading this barely legible scribble for the last 10 years, I figured you would at least like to know that I did, in fact, accomplish my goal to finish a marathon before I turned 40!

Running goals

I am a very goal oriented person.  I like having something I am working towards.  In theory, my running goal was to run a marathon by the time I turn 40.  I have about 5 months to go and I can totally do it but my question to myself is why?  It seems pretty arbitrary.  I am a runner.  The distance, time, pace, none of that determines my runner status.  I get off my ass and run. 

I wanted to run the NacHalf about 2 week ago.  I trained for it.  I got injured.  I sat out.  I'm slowly going back to running.  I'm covering a 5k a week.  Way less than the 10 or miles a week I was running before.  5k seems to be just long enough for a workout and to clear my headspace.  Which makes me question running a marathon, if 5k clears my head, what are the other 23 miles for?

I could train for a faster mile time.  Maybe aim for a sub 10 min mile?  Work my way back up to running a 10k without intervals, which I was doing before switching to intervals to help me get through 13-miles.  Maybe after my dad's surgery, I'll get my head back around to the marathon.  5 months is a long time and I'm not just sitting on my ass.  I am still running and moving.  If I can run 13-miles, then with some training I know I can cover 26.  We'll see. . .

Half-Mary Done

Today I ran a half-mary.  Not a race but 13.1 miles and just a touch more since I had to walk back to my car so 13.31 total.  2 weeks ago I ran 12 miles with my friend from high school and it was a total disaster!  It took us over 3 and half hours and my ankle was killing me so I couldn't actually run after 7 miles.  It was so hot and I started off too fast.  It was also on the road, which really killed my ankle.

I gave myself last weekend off.  I started a new job and wasn't sure about barely being able to walk after trying to run a half-mary. 

Today I set myself for success.  I picked an outdoor track that would be nice to my ankle.  I ran in the morning so it wouldn't get too hot.  I got it all done in just under 3 hrs and 10 minutes.  I smashed that 12 mile time!  My ankle did well.  I'm tired and sore but not so much that I can't move, just moving a bit slow.

The Nac Half is in a few weeks Nd despite hearing it is super hilly, if time allows I want to run it.  But even if that doesn't happen I am still going to keep training up to a marathon.  I really believe I can get one done before my 40th birthday.  So onward and upward!

Bodypump and getting off my ass

So the last 2 weeks I have been super lazy.  Just one excuse after another for not getting off my ass.  It makes me cranky.  My head gets foggy.  I can't sit still and be okay. 

As a result I am committing to pushing myself to move.  Thursday was HIIT.  Friday I skated a few hours, no skills just moving.  Today I attended a Les Mills Bodypump and CXWORX class.  My arms feel like jello.  I like it.  I need to feel like I am growing and getting stronger.  I spent so much time just surviving, barely keeping my head above water at my last job and in that I lost sight of me.  I got lazy.  I got soft.  I got fuzzy.  I'm done with that.  I need to move.

This is race season.  The problem I'm having with race season is a lack of funding.  Races cost money.  Once you pay to run then you have travel to the race.  Depending on race time you might have to spend the night before.  Universe, I need a job!  There is the Corkscrew Half in a couple of weeks and it is within a nice drive distance but $85 to run when I can use MapMyRun and create a route for myself around my house.  I do plan to run the NacHalf so I need to start putting the money together to pay for it.  Tomorrow I'm scheduled for 10 miles, my first double digit run.  After today's class, I'm not sure I can get up and do it but I'm setting my intention and route.

25 min run

So yesterday I completed Week 6 Day 3 of Couch-to-5K.  It was a 25 min run.  My first 25 min run in years!  It hurt.  I kept getting stomach aches during the run.  Every time I would feel my stomach crap I would push myself harder.  I was not going to quit!  Once I slowed down to my cool-down, I had to hurry to the bathroom, just barely made it.  Maybe pushing was not the best idea but I did it!  I ran my 25 minutes.  From here on out the C25k runs are all long runs.  Week 7 is 3 25-min runs.  If I did it once with my stomach hurting then I'll kick ass this next week. 

I've actually been looking for a 5k to run before my next birthday.  I've been dreaming of actually doing some races and eventually moving up a 10k and one day a marathon.  I've always wanted to run a marathon but with my ass on the couch for the last 15 years, the idea was just that an idea.  I'm looking forward to the push.  I'm discovering just how strong I really am.  I'm discovering that it's not about the scale or the dress size, it's about getting off your ass.  I'm never going to win the Boston marathon but maybe I'll actually run some day.

Yesterday's power music was Wait Wait Don't tell me from NPR.  I'm loving listening to Wait, wait.  I'm thinking of trying an audio book next.  You can download free podcasts from Wait, wait's webpage.  If you haven't listened to an episode, do it!  I love Wait Wait!