The one about my birthday

I am turning 47 this year. I'm starting there because I don't want you to think I have feelings about aging. I'm aging wonderfully. I really can't complain about my aches and pains when I know I'm blessed to have seen this many years. I'm turning 47, and that is a fabulous thing. 

No, this post is about celebrating my birthday/not celebrating my birthday/feeling like I don't get celebrated at all. Maybe it is a function of age, but I also see people my age having massive blow-outs with friends, and I can literally count on my hand the number of people in my personal life that wish me a happy birthday each year and they are all family. I'm not talking about those pre-made Facebook wishes; I am talking about people who text me or see me and wish me a happy birthday. If people at work know my birthday, then they will also wish me a happy birthday.

Last year, I purposefully turned off my birthday on Facebook to see who actually knew it was my birthday. Yes, it was a trap for me to prove that people don't actually know me. I got a text from two people, one work birthday month twin and one from across the ocean. I still had a few Facebook birthday wishes since my mother made a post and actually, so did I. I forgot that Livewell, my gym, gives you a free smoothie if you go to the gym on your birthday so of course I have to post my birthday smoothie. But this isn't about Facebook wishes or texts. This is about celebration. I love my husband but he is the worst about celebrating anything. He doesn't do Valentine's day or anyone's birthday. Like he forgets everyone equally and I suspect most wives would say that about their husbands. There is a reason the husband running about at the last minute for birthday/Christmas/anniversary gifts is a trope. 

I think this is where a woman's friends come in. Someone in her circle makes sure to try and go for a celebration coffee or drink. That is what I haven't had for a long time. As I was turning 40, I decided that I would finally run a marathon. My thought was if I start my 40s with a marathon, then all of my birthdays in my 40s had to be better than that. So I did run a marathon in the Texas heat; it was over 90 degrees by the time I was done. I didn't think any birthday could be as bad as finishing a road marathon on black pavement but I was so wrong! 

 My worst birthday was my 45th. My dad was in the hospital somewhere between life and death. He wished me a happy birthday and told me he was ready to die if it was his time. I think I had over 100 Facebook wishes that year. My husband actually took me for rolled ice cream to celebrate my birthday since there was a shop not too far from the hospital. It is hard to think about yummy rolled ice-cream when your dad is on death's door. He came home a week later. Crisis averted, new birthday trauma level achieved. 

I am writing about the past to vomit it out once and for all. The "friends" who never called. The "friend" who took me for coffee only to leave me halfway through to go talk to a real friend of theirs. The "friend" who gave me a present months after my birthday but never actually wished me a happy birthday. 

Why the word vomit? Well, my life is so different today than one year ago. Since my last birthday, I feel like I actually have friends who care about me and who might actually celebrate me if given an opportunity. See, just about a month after my birthday, I joined the Pride Alliance of Lufkin (PAL). It is a group of people that I absolutely adore. I have since joined the board and even hold the distinction of founding member for my work as Treasurer. There are some long days of planning and executing, but much like my job, I love it, and seeing the impact in the community makes it all worth it. 

Back in January, I started my journey to join Zeta Phi Beta Sorority, Inc. I crossed at the end of February with six amazing sisters as a member of the ChoZen Seven. The love and sisterhood I feel each and every day is not really possible to describe in words. It is a glowy and spirit-filling kind of sisterhood. 

Honestly, both groups give me a sense of love and celebration that I haven't felt in years. So I'm turning my birthday back on Facebook, if I can figure it out (it was such a pain to figure out how to turn off). While maybe no one will call me or text me this year either, I feel like I have enough distance from my 45th birthday that I can risk that disappointment. My birthday is on a Tuesday this year and the weekend before my birthday, I'm in Virginia. While the majority of that trip is for work, I have actually scheduled myself a couple of days with my friend from college. A couple of days with a person who loves me despite all of my bullshit (and she knows all of it since we have been friends for almost 30 years) and time in the Blue Ridge Mountains. As I slide into my 50s, here is hoping I learn to celebrate myself since external celebrations are in short supply for most people.  May the lessons of the last 46 years not turn me bitter but help me be a better person.  So here's to turning 47!

Happy Birthday to me! 40 & a Marathoner

So you read that correctly, I turned 40 recently.  On that day to celebrate, I ran my 1st marathon.  Technically, I ran it before I turned 40 since I finished before my birth time!

My journey to the marathon was not easy.  Actually, the marathon itself wasn't exactly easy either.  In 12 months, I went from running 5k to completing a marathon and it was all because of cancer, my dad's cancer.

I've written before about my want/need to run away from the whole situation.  I call it the summer of suck but it started back in March of 2018 really.  I wanted to be a good person and stay at a job that I felt called to do but completely burned out on.  They say when the holy spirit is speaking to you, it will move anything and everything to get you to listen.  I never listen in a timely manner!

I wonder what I would be doing had I listen when everything started to turn.  What if I had stepped away when I first felt it instead of fighting the current?  No one can say for sure, but I'm pretty sure that I would not be on this side of 40 as a marathoner.

I could make the long list of clues but it is a pretty painful and personal list.  I will say that I have lost a lot since March 2018.  I lost a lot of sleep.  I cried a lot of tears.  I swallowed my pride a lot.  I nearly blew up my marriage.  I blew up my career.  I faced the possible loss of my dad and my youngest daughter.

I'll be writing a post on lessons learned along the 26.2 miles of the Wayne's World marathon.  But for those of you who have been reading this barely legible scribble for the last 10 years, I figured you would at least like to know that I did, in fact, accomplish my goal to finish a marathon before I turned 40!

Belated Wordless Wednesday: HappyBirthday GymGirl

Happy Birthday Ravebaby

Ravebaby is now 4.  Her birthday was yesterday.  Really I should be calling her RaveChild but it doesn't have the same ring.
Time flies by so quickly.  Seems she was just a baby and now she is so grown up.  She is all of four but she is so grown for her age.
Happy birthday Ravebaby!

Wordless Wednesday: the birthday girl

Happy Birthday Ravebaby!

Today is Ravebaby's 3rd birthday.  I don't know were the time has gone!  Today also marks 36 months a breastfeeding for Ravebaby and me.  She's not ready to stop.  Not sure how much longer I am willing to go but we'll just see.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY RAVEBABY!

Guilt, tragedy, and birthdays

It feels so silly to have had a birthday party yesterday. Ravebaby will be 3 tomorrow but in light of Friday's events, I honestly felt guilty. Guilty because my daughter will be turning 3 tomorrow. I can celebrate and hug her and kiss her.

I try to live my life so that people know that I acknowledge them as people and that I respect our connection in the circle of life. I want to believe we all matter in each other's lives and Friday there was a huge disturbance in the force. I read another bloggers post about Friday and I think he out it beautifully. I don't want to see those faces, parents, children, victims, because I can't deal with the loss. The world has changed. Lights have gone out. The future is different. It is not just the lights of the children but of the parents.

Just thinking of losing Ravebaby puts such sadness in my heart that I just can image. I feel guilty for wanting to avoid it all. I want to make sure that I am giving my time and energy to Ravebaby and DH. We are all on limited time. The guilt of taking it for granted. The guilt of celebrating that it was not my kid. The guilt of feeling helpless. The guilt of knowing I am far from helpless.

Birthday gift to self: Hole in the Head

I've wanted to get my nose pierced for along time. I wanted it done in college but my mom would have freaked out. Then after I got I was working as a teacher so couldn't do it. Yesterday was my birthday so I decided that it was time to check it off of my bucket list. I've been working a lot on that list lately! (My parents still haven't seen it so I might edit later with a reaction)

5k rundown and birthday lowdown

So exactly 7 days ago I ran my first 5k.  I did well for me.  I ran 36.24!  I had set a goal for myself of 36 minutes.  Then as I got closer and it seemed I was clocking closer to 40 mins in training I back my goal to 40 mins.  I wanted to push myself but not discourage myself.  I also most hit my original goal!  I didn't use my iPhone during the run so I was running blind.  There weren't any markers for how far I had gone.  We finished on a track so I knew I only had 1/4 a of mile left and I kicked into high gear for my finish.  I felt so good!  I really couldn't believe how well I did.  I'm hooked.  I want to train up to a 10k, half marathon and eventually in the future a marathon.  I love the accomplishment I feel when I finish.  I love setting a goal for the run and then meeting it.  I don't think I'll ever be a fast runner but I am a runner.

I've been a bit MIA from blogging lately.  I've got a new part-time job plus I'm enjoying my life.  I use to blog in my free time and now I'm running or running after my Ravebaby.  Life is really good.  Yesterday I had the chance to see The Hates, a punk rock group from Houston.  I had a blast.  On Thursday, I got a henna tattoo, my first.  I had been wanting one and then someone just up and offered to do them so that people could have them for The Hates show.  I love it! 

Today is my birthday.  I've had such a good year.  I feel like I'm finally where I need to be.  I'm not working myself to death for a paycheck.  I'm reaching goals that only a few months ago seems impossible.  What will this next year bring?  God only knows.  What do I want?  I want a baby.  This baby quest has a direct effect on want #2 which is to finish a 10k.  Since I'm not running a 10k yet, I think a baby would derail the training but it's a derailment that I would gladly welcome.  I want to continue to listen to the universe and to learn to keep going with the flow of life.  I want a lot, don't I!  I'm looking forward to seeing everything that comes my way.

My henna tattoo

So much to do

So I am coming up on my busy season.  I have Audrey's birthday, Christmas, my 10-year wedding anniversary, and DH's birthday.  December just tends to cost a lot of money.  Money which I don't really have but we'll make it work somehow.  We are having Audrey's 2-year portraits done next weekend; it will be a bit pricey but we are so happy we booked AMZ Photography.  Can't wait to post some pictures.  DH and I have decided to forgo a huge party for Audrey.  We are doing a cake and a trip to the zoo with her favorite cousin. 
Christmas will be on a budget, as usual.  DHa nd I both agree that Audrey doesn't really need much so we are going to do a few presents for her.  Thankfully Audrey is a happy kid so things aren't important to her.  I have no clue what to get DH.  He wants things way out of the budget.  He wants a tablet computer but the budget is $100 so the table is out.  Wish I had won one but Rafflecopter hates me.  I haven't won anything since most people have moved over :(
DH and I also have no real clue what to do for our anniversary.  We have always talked about having a vow renewal and then big party but it just not in the budget.  I was thinking about having a "wedding" session with AMZ.  I fit my wedding dress and DH could get a tux.  My friend H took our wedding pics but we never got professional shots made so that might be an idea.  I think we could do a quick vow renewal followed by a romantic dinner.  I know DH would love to run off to Vegas but Audrey isn't weaned and I'm just not ready to leave her overnight.
So much to do and so little time and money.  So any ideas for any of these things?

Picture from the night we got engaged, May 2001.

Bittersweet Birthday

Today is Baby J's first birthday, which means it's Brianna's one year death anniversery.  As DH said, it's a bittersweet day.  When I realized what today was I had to hold back tears.  DH also pointed out how many almost bittersweet birthdays there are in our families.  He almost had a bittersweet birthday; his nephew and my brothers' too. 

I know prior to Audrey's birth, DH's father was very worried about my survival of a homebirth.  Both of his parent's mother's died in or right after childbirth.  Childbirth is natural and death is natural but that doesn't mean we don't worry. 

Today I say a prayer for all of the people with bittersweet birthdays.  Today I also plan to give my Audrey extra hugs and kisses.  I want to live to give thanks to God for Audrey and for the opportunity to raise her.  Instead of getting mad that she won't go to sleep or that she knocked my glasses off my face, I'll smile and thank God.  I know not all of us get the chance to complain about sleeplessness.  So here's to you Brianna.  With your life you taught me to be kind to the least of God's children and with your death you taught me to be grateful for each day.  Happy Birthday Baby J.