Attachment Parenting ruined my career

And I couldn't be happier! Title is a little misleading I know. You were expecting me to tell you all about how I hate my life now and it's all because of the horrible oppressing expectations of APing. See here is the thing, I feel that APing actually set me straight. Hear me out.

So I kinda felling into APing. Ravebaby was about a year old before I even knew my style of parenting was AP. I had hear so many negative things about AP that since I was so happy I could not possibly be an AP parent.

How did this journey into AP parenting begin? Well I got pregnant and decided to breastfeed. It all starts there. I gave birth to Ravebaby at exactly 38 weeks after having my water broken for about 72 hrs. I had her at home so our first nap was with her on my chest in my bed. That is how I got hooked on co-sleeping. She was so small and every time I would put her in her bed she would cry. It broke my heart so I just kept her next to me. I found it made my life easier too once I returned to work since Ravebaby reversed her nursing pattern. With her in the bed I could nurse her all night and still get some sleep.

The baby wearing came from not wanting to lug a stroller and wanting Ravebaby close. It was just so much easier to put that baby in a Moby wrap and go. She was about 8 weeks old and I've been collecting babywearing gear ever since.

Being a delayed vaxer came from research, a gut feeling, and Ravebaby's reaction to her first round of vaccines. How can I force my baby to take shot after shot and suffer for the next few days at such a young age? We are not totally anti-vax. Just delayed and spaced out.

So on to how it ruined my career. I listen to Ravebaby. I take the time to bond with her. I was a full-time working mom since she was 6 weeks old. I felt like I gave everything I had at work and would be just a shell for Ravebaby. I was in a job I hated working for someone that didn't seem to really want me there so I made the decision to be a mom first instead of a librarian. It was not an easy transition for me. It's been very difficult financially but I wouldn't have it any other way. I am watching Ravebaby grow and learn. I have a part-time job that helps with the bills and keeps me from going nuts from a lack of adult conversation. But when I get home after 5 hours, I have energy for my child. We sing silly songs. We paint. We nurse. We play in the iPad. I get to raise my child.

I do miss library work. When I get ready to go back at some point in the future I'll have a huge gap in my resume. I am cool with that because I also hope to have a daughter that is happy, healthy, and productive. APing has ruined my career and I thank God for it.

Just a picture of Ravebaby washing dishes. Yes it's messing and gets nothing clean but it's fun and she's learning. I really love my life.

Super dirty baby

Okay yes I am a lazy mom.  If you have read any of my other posts, I fully admit and accept that about myself.  Along with being lazy, I think I'm a pretty good mom.  My child is by my side and she is filthy.  She is happy.  She is calm.  She is giving me kisses.  I too am filthy; covered in fingerpaint and sweaty from teaching Audrey to play catch with our dogs Jasmin and Snoopy.  Oh yeah I forgot we both have bubble solution in our hair since I ran the bubble machine.  Filthy and happy.  I like it.  Okay, I love it.

I don't understand moms that refuse to let their children get dirty.  I feel bad for children who get yelled at for playing with dirt.  (My own nephew has a mother like that.  Kid just about has a nervous breakdown when he gets dirty.)  Growing up I got to get dirty.  I'm thankful for parents that understood and appreciated the value of a good mud fight.

I could keep Audrey inside all day.  I could hide all of the pens and pencils and refuse to buy her fingerpaint but what would that really do?  Kids need dirt!  So I have a super dirty baby.  I have a wash and wear baby.  It is amazing the things soap and water can clean :)  Let your kids be kids.  Bring on the dirt!

I'm a loser

Okay, so I've got several friends who have babies and I've noticed many talking about sending the baby to granny's for a night.  I have not spent the night away from Audrey and she's 15 months old so needless to say I began feeling like I was a weirdo or really a loser.  What is wrong with me?  Why haven't I sent my baby away for an overnight visit?  She should have time to bond with her grandparents, right?

So I did what every modern mom does, I hit Twitter up with the question, when did you first leave your child for the night?  I mean maybe I"m damaging my child.  So the responses were overwheleming at least 2 years old  and one mom said 4 years old.  This made me feel less like a weirdo.  I'm not the only momma refusing to leave her baby for the night.  But I was thinking about it.  Is my sample actually "normal"?  I mean I follow and am followed by people who think like me.  Most of the people I follow are AP parents, lactivist, and homebirth activist, not exactly mainstream America. 

I don't think I'm any closer to finding out if I'm normal or not with question to the whole leaving your baby thing.  I guess I have to fall back on the old, "it feels right to me."  I guess I also need to do some research on "normal" ages that children spend the night away from their parents.  I know for me, Audrey spending the night down the hall won't happend until she's nightweaned.  She still searchs for boob at least twice a night.  I"m in no hurry to wean her at all so it may be a while yet.  So when do you think it's okay to leave baby for the night?

The attached parent

So this whole style of parenting thing is still on my mind.  Like I've said before I'm not into labels.  Do I fit the label of attachment parenting, yes.  I babywear, I breastfeed, I bed-share, I'm against CIO and I love my Audrey.  I dislike the idea that people who aren't attached parents are dettached parents.  The label is awful and misleading.  Like my parenting is better or more in-tune.

I think part of what bothers me is that it implies that I set out to be an attached parent.  I'm going to be honest.  If I could parent anyother way I probably would.  I mean I don't really like having a baby kick me in the kidneys at 3am but I can't image her sleepping in another room.  I didn't like leaking all over myself but I'm too cheap to spend money on formula.  I would use a stroller but I'm terrified someone would steal Audrey when I turn around to look at something.  I didn't set out to be attached; Audrey just kinda got attached. 

I can be a bit of a controlfreak so the idea that I can control my diet and therefore Audrey's diet (via breastmilk) was a need in me.  I can't trust a formula company; it is just not in me.  I can't trust people to keep their hands to themselves.  I want to know where Audrey is at all times.  I don't want people touching my kid and having her on me (literally) means no strange hands.  The bed thing, well after carrying her for 9 months in me, the idea of her down the hall just didn't work.  We tried to do the crib in room but she was so little and she cried and I couldn't handle it so she moved into our bed and has been there ever since.

So maybe I'm attached but it wasn't a choice.  It really did just happen but I am more than a label.  Like any parents attached/dettached a label is not the whole person.  We do the best we can.

Shut your pie-hole crunchy bitch

Okay, so how does one give advice to a parent that has a different parenting philosophy than you?  I don't really label myself as any one parent philosophy but let's face facts, I'm more or less an Attachment Parent.  I hate that label, makes it seem that I"m calling other parents de-ttached.

I want to share the lessons I've learned but I know that my life works for me.  I don't live anyone else's life so how can my lessons really benefit them?  I can talk in general but it is hard to give an example without making people feel singled out.  If I talk about letting a baby "cry-it-out" and how I think it is horrible then someone will think I'm talking about them.  Besides, how do you talk about something like that without passing judgement.  Yes I think letting a baby cry themselves to sleep is horrible.  How can you stand there and listen to your child cry?  But then that is me.  I can't do it.  Maybe you can and may you raise the Supreme Court justice and I raise the serial killer.  Who is really to say?

I think a classic example is babywearing.  I babywear (shocking right?).  I think there is a right way and a wrong way and there is definitely a deadly way.  Yes, there is research to support my way but wrapping isn't for everyone (most days not even for me) or MeiTeis or SSC or ring slings.  Maybe the Baby Bjorn is the best thing for that family.  Anything else could result in dropping the baby or never wearing that baby.  Which is worse?  Never wear or wear in a Bjorn?  I had a Bjorn!  I thought it was great.  Then I got my Moby and I hated my Bjorn.  Then I did research and attended some babywearing meetings.  I decided that for Audrey I would Bjorn no more.  That doesn't make me a better parent.  It made me a better parent for Audrey.  Happy Mama = Happy Baby?

Even that statement, happy mama + happy baby makes me think twice.  I would love to out drinking with my friends, getting my nails done and spending money on me.  That would make me happy.  I don't think that would make Audrey happy.  I could shove formula in her face so I can get drunk but that would not make either of us happy (I'm not a big drinker).  But there are mamas who are happier giving formula.  Breastfeeding makes them feel trapped.  Happy Mama = Happy Baby?  I just don't know.

So to the point, I will not shut my pie-hole but please don't assume I'm talking about you.  I will live my life and you will live yours.  I don't feel guilty about my choices and neither should you.  We are all doing the best we can and it is a crap shoot.  My happily attached cloth-diapered breastfed Audrey could wind up a murder on death row and your happy Bjorn formula baby could cure cancer.    I'm thinkin' it's a crap-shoot either way.