Birth goddess

I am a birth goddess.  I am tired of people telling me that I'm not. 

So where do I even start.  I had a homebirth.  I had no medication.  I had no doctor at my DD's birth.  DH almost didn't call the midwife in time because I was convinced that I wasn't in labor yet.  DD was just under 7 lbs.  I'm thinking I had about 12 hours of active labor but again the pain only got overwhelming during transition.  I am a birth goddess.

So why do people feel the need to poopoo my birth?  I tell them I had an amazing homebirth and then I tell them that DD was almost 7 lbs and then I get the hand.  "Oh well my baby was 8 lbs so I had to have pain meds."  I am not competing with you or your birth.  You feel like you had to have pain meds, okay.  Your body your choice, I have no clue what you were going through so I believe you. 

It makes me mad that people want to diminish my birth.  I had to push DD out.  It would not have matter if she was 10 lbs; she was coming out.  One way out during a homebirth so I was going to birth until she arrived.  I have met many a mom who birthed a 10 lb at home.  I remember I once asked my midwife if it was true that more homebirth babies were over 8lbs.  In her experience, homebirth babies were bigger. 

I get mad and then I feel bad for them.  Like maybe they are just trying to justify their own birth to themselves.  If they put me down then they feel better.  I don't want to feel bad for them.  I mean their birth is/was their birth.  But I feel bad because I feel like most of them didn't choose but were told how to birth.  I know TV shows birth as all pain but dude thrush was worse than birth.  My bursitis was worse than birth.  So I am a birth goddess.  Just had to get it off my chest.

Bittersweet Birthday

Today is Baby J's first birthday, which means it's Brianna's one year death anniversery.  As DH said, it's a bittersweet day.  When I realized what today was I had to hold back tears.  DH also pointed out how many almost bittersweet birthdays there are in our families.  He almost had a bittersweet birthday; his nephew and my brothers' too. 

I know prior to Audrey's birth, DH's father was very worried about my survival of a homebirth.  Both of his parent's mother's died in or right after childbirth.  Childbirth is natural and death is natural but that doesn't mean we don't worry. 

Today I say a prayer for all of the people with bittersweet birthdays.  Today I also plan to give my Audrey extra hugs and kisses.  I want to live to give thanks to God for Audrey and for the opportunity to raise her.  Instead of getting mad that she won't go to sleep or that she knocked my glasses off my face, I'll smile and thank God.  I know not all of us get the chance to complain about sleeplessness.  So here's to you Brianna.  With your life you taught me to be kind to the least of God's children and with your death you taught me to be grateful for each day.  Happy Birthday Baby J.