Friday, December 26, 2014

All I want for Christmas list 2014

For the last two years I've posted something I want for Christmas starting Dec 1 until Dec 24. I do it for a couple of reasons, when you have to write down what you want I think the universe tends to help focus energy in that direction, I find myself being more grateful for what I do have since I usually struggle to find something different that I want for each day, and people say I'm hard to shop for so I'm giving a concrete list of stuff that can be given to me. For the record, I'm not difficult to shop for, I'm not romantic or taken in by stuff. I want something practical or something that you can't usually buy. Anyways here was this year's list along with a note if I actually got it or not. Day 1: Grippy Socks (I found my old ones so that totally counts) Day 2: Over the Knee Socks that actually fit Day 3: New speed skates Day 4: Triple 8's knee pads (I actually got a great deal on some 187's so totally the same thing) Day 5: GymGirl's presents to be here on time (they were!) Day 6: Good Chai Tea Day 7: Master my crossovers (I doing the crossovers in motion not quite mastered but getting there) Day 8: Black knit pencil skirt Day 9: DerbySkinz Day 10: New Car Stereo Day 11: Nike fuel band or a FitBit or something similar Day 12: New wasp corset (DH got me two for Christmas day!) Day 13: New Brown Boots Day 14: Decorate the Hello Kitty cake with crussing (I did it but it was difficult) Day 15: Gluten-free Tiramisu Day 16: Havana Nights dress from Pin-up Girl Clothing Day 17: Cute printed leggings Day 18: Acupuncture Day 19: Silvery hoop earnings (for clarification, not real silver but silver-colored) Day 20: Warm hugs (I've received a few) Day 21: Sushi Day 22/23: New shoes Day 24: My voice (still not back, this is day 6 without it) So out of 24 wishes, 7 are done and the rest are in motion. Yes, I could put peace on Earth or good health but that just isn't as fun. I spend all of November posting what I'm thankful for so why not be more or less an ass leading up to December. Really stuff is the point of Christmas for most people. I don't really want stuff. People ask so here is a list. I could fill it with wishes for things like hugs but people don't like to work that hard.

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Random #RollerDerby #Craft: Knock that Bitch on her Ass

Finally got another pattern drawn and cross stitched out. I like the helmet.  In the pattern I didn't use different colors but I think it's pretty easy to make a decision on where to draw the color line.  I also filled in the star.  I found it easiest to do just a couple of lines of the helmet (the one closest to the words) and then fill in the star.  I haven't made the PDF yet but I wanted to go ahead and get this up.  Hopefully I'll get a PDF up soon.  Let me know if the jpeg is too hard to work with or any other questions or comments! martha (at) wheatlessmama (dot) com
Here is the link to the pattern jpeg: Knock that Bitch on her Ass!
Here is the PDF: Knock that Bitch on her Ass!

Friday, December 19, 2014

Dis Bitch Done

So the title really doesn't mean anything other than me trying to get your attention :)

It happened!  I finally got a crossover while in motion!  So if you didn't know roller derby has a minimum skills test, which you must pass before you can actually join a team.  You don't want to send someone out there to get hurt.  The test covers everything from stopping to endurance and everything in between.  You learn more at Women's Flat Track Derby Association (WFTDA) website (I've linked the information on minimum skills).

Well anyways, I ain't anywhere near passing minimum skills.  I have lots of skills to work on but I've been very stuck on crossovers.  I could do them standing but not in motion.  The only way to pass the endurance/speed test is with the crossovers.  Simply can't get enough speed going without them.  I've been so stuck that I didn't think I would ever get them.  I mean up until two weeks ago I was still holding the wall to crossrover!  I got them last night! 

I know I've been very in my head about the crossover.  SoHo has told me more than once to get out of my head and just skate.  I can't help it.  Can't you tell I'm usually in my head?  I mean I blog rather than talk.  So we fall in derby.  It's derby you are going to fall.  I know I am going to fall.  I fall every week!  I was so afraid of falling while crossing over.  I have no clue why.  I kept telling myself that it is okay to fall and just get it over with already. 

Last night, I went to roller derby with a different attitude.  I requested Black Widows (2 laps sprinted followed by an exercise like push-ups or mountain climbers).  I wanted to see how far I had come.  My first time doing Black Widows I had been on skate like three weeks.  I was scared.  I was the last person in each time.  I wanted to challenge myself.  I did great!  I was ready for crossovers.  I worked up the nerve and I crossed my legs in motion and I FELL!  I fell then I got up and like magic I could crossover.  I stopped looking at my feet and they were crossing over.  The worst that could happen happened and then I was okay! 

I have long way to go to passing minimum skills but I'm tackling each skill slowly and growing as a skater.  I am going to pass minimum skills.  I'm sure people are sick of me talking about roller derby but is what I'm working on at the moment.  I love roller derby! Enjoy the DC Roller Girls singing "Play Derby With Me"

Belated Wordless Wednesday: HappyBirthday GymGirl

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Why I wish everyday was #RollerDerby Day

I love roller derby.  I love that for once a week I don't feel so alone. I'm not sure how the rest of you feel but I feel pretty alone most of the time.  Even in a group I feel alone.  I'm not sure why but it is just my truth.  I'm the listener not the talker.  Even when I want to talk I never seem to find a listener.  I seem to have a role to play in this world and it usually involves me listening or being invisible.

Derby is different.  At derby I feel like I belong just as I am.  I don't have to pretend to be outgoing.  I don't have to pretend to be weak.  I don't have to hide.  Derby requires me to show all sides of myself.  I can't improve and get closer to passing the minimum skills test unless I'm honest about where in skill mastery I am.  I can't learn to jump in skates unless my teammates see me falling.  It is actually pretty freeing to have a place where I can really just be.

I started the year off with what I thought was solid group of friends by June I was alone.  Derby came into my life at the right time.  I wish it was derby everyday so that I could be me everyday.  I want to feel less alone.  Every Thursday I belong.  Every Thursday I fit in.  Every Thursday I feel needed and wanted.  I feel like if I missed derby Thursday, my derby sisters would miss me.  I wish it was derby everyday.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Random #RollerDerby Craft: It's Derby you are going to fall! #Crossstitch

So I created another roller derby cross stitch for the world to share.  I'm not exactly happy with it and I have a couple of mistakes in the sample but what can you do?  Oh yeah do it again only better!

The mistakes are in the second derby girl with the skirt.  I don't like the first derby girl at all so in the next one I'll be redesigning her.  I'm also going to fill in the girls.  I think there is too much white!  Keep an eye out for a reformatted version of the derby girls with a different SoHo saying!  Have fun and as always if you need advice or having something to share to make the pattern better hit me up at martha (at) wheatlessmama (dot) com

Here is the downloadable file: It's Derby! You are going to FALL!

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Random #RollerDerby #Craft: There's No Sorry in Roller Derby #crossstitch

Here is the finish product.
Here is the link to a pdf: There's No Sorry in Roller Derby

please feel free to share and to adapt to your own needs.  I'm sorry the letters are not more clear.  I should have done them in black.  These pattern was adapted from various things I found online so please share away.  I modeled the skates after my Riedelle R3s, which don't have any white stripes so these skates don't have any.  My plates are actually black but it was too much black for this purpose :)  The pdf is on ten by ten squares graph paper, hope that helps!

 Let me know how it goes!  If you have any questions, please feel free to email martha (at) wheatlessmama (.) com

Thursday, November 20, 2014

I'm dropping the band and keeping the bass

If you have ever watch Wonderfalls then the title is a take one of the episodes.  Anyways I've left the band.  It was a difficult call to make but I feel so much better now that it is out there.  It is hard to describe exactly what happened but in the end, I just wasn't comfortable being at practice.  Honestly I should have dropped out about three months ago but the timing just seemed wrong. 

This is one of those when do you let go sort of things.  I was happy being in the band intially.  I loved being in a band and the thrill of being on stage but when you don't feel safe being in the safe space as someone else then it's time to move on.  I hated to let go.  I knew there would be no going back but why tip toe around issues?  Beside this way hopefully the band will continue and I'm so busy on my Mission Pass Minimum Skills and dissertation is on the horizon that leaving was the best option.  I could air dirty laundry but what would be the point?  Talking to the wrong people about personal issues is why I stopped feeling safe in the first place.  The only thing to say in the end is that it is difficult to field Gymgirl's questions about why we haven't been to band practice and how she misses seeing everyone.  I'll take the blame since everyone seems to want to hand it to me in the first place.  Who knows maybe it was all my fault but given all of my studies and life experience I think there was more than one party blame.  Well anyways, I'm dropping the band and keeping the bass, for now at least.

Picture is from our last gig.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Derby girl in the making

So I started going to the local rec league roller derby when it started back in September.  I went because I was invited and DH was in San Francisco; I figured I could stay at home and cry about  DH being gone or I could get off my ass and try something new.  I got off my ass.

I was not committed at first but in the time since my first practice I've really grown to love derby.  I love the workout.  I love the different ladies that come out and practice.  The atmosphere is supportive.  I push myself.  I feel apart of something bigger than myself while being able to see that I am a vital piece.  I call it the Sisterhood of Sweat and that is exactly what it feels like.  It is a sisterhood.  Everyone pushing each other and supporting each other and working together.

So far I have bought myself some pretty elemental gear.  Derby is more expensive than running for sure but I don't think I realized how much I missed being on a team.  Running is solo work; derby is teamwork.  I have a new to me pair of Riddle R3s, which are starter speed skates.  I hope to upgrade in a few months.  I just upgraded to a Sisu mouthguard!  I'm very excited!  I have Triple 8 wrist guards.  I'm using Shawn White elbow and knee pads; these I need to upgrade next!  The knee pads don't fit at all.  I can barely keep them on.  So all in all I've spent just under $200 in gear and I'm looking at dropping another $100 or so in the near future for better pads and new wheels. 

Our rec league is affiliated with the East Texas Bombers and we are lucky to have two bombers run our practice, SoHo and MC2.  I think part of the appeal of derby for me is that for once I'm not alone in believe I can do this.  It honestly feels like each lady that comes out believes that we can all do this derby thing.  When SoHo yells at me to push just a bit harder or that I got this, I believe she means it.  I got this.  I can see where each lady fits.  I can see where I fit.  I belong and I fit in.  I love derby!

Anyways, I have no derby name yet.  I'm playing around with a few.  I think I'm going to have people vote on my derby name on Facebook just to see what happens.  Since this goes out to the whole world I won't be posting all the details of practice and such but dropping me an email or look us up on Facebook for more details and come out and play derby with us!

Thursday, October 16, 2014

When are you going to have another baby?

So I'm 35 and have one child.  No this was not my plan.  I had planned to have 4 kids and I would have been done having them last year.  Some how my plans did not get properly transmitted to the Big Guy Upstairs and my plans didn't come to pass.  I'm getting good with it.  I'm not totally good with it but I'm getting there.

I get asked the dreaded question, when are you going to have another one?, and I'm getting tired of answering it.  Why do people care about the status of my uterus?  Have I screwed up so badly with GymGirl that they are trying to see if I'll do better next time?  Why do people ask?

As far as I can see GymGirl will be an only child.  So not my plan!  I know I'm in good company with other fabulous mothers who only have one child.  But yes it hurts to think I'm done at one.  We've been trying for a while and nothing.  I'm pretty sure I've had at least one very early miscarriage but otherwise no baby.

I don't want to tell random people my uterus business.  Why do random people ask?  Seriously you just met me and you want to know when I'm having another one.  Why do people bypass me and ask my daughter if she wants a baby brother or sister?  Like this isn't hard enough without extra pressure of a child asking for you to reproduce.

I'm no where near out of options.  We haven't been to a specialist.  We have even put a baby to the back burner until after I become Dr. Wheatless Mama.  I'm 35 and healthy.  In my family babies after 40 are pretty common.  If a baby is in my future still then I'll happily embrace that future but if I'm one and done then I'm getting good with that too.

Being Catholic the implication to only one child is that I'm using artificial birth control.  People have a hard time believing that some women, Mexican women in particular, have a hard time getting pregnant.  I use NFP, Natural Family Planning.  We have since we got married and God's plan so far is for us to have only one child. 

I am running out of patience and not super personal answers.  I don't want to lie or be rude but seriously what the hell kind of answer do you expect?  Like I'm going to announce to a perfect stranger that actually I'm pregnant now but we haven't told anyone.  What exactly do people want to know when they ask that question?  Anyways this was mostly a rant.  Moving on . . .

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Exoskeleton of Support

So the band I'm in played a benefit gig a few weeks back.  I noticed many people stayed outside but told us we sounded great.  I think the idea was that they were being supportive but it was just too loud for them.  They had a our back though.  I've been sitting with this idea a while and I'm still quite confused by the whole thing.

How can you sit outside and still be supportive?  If I don't walk in to place, is my declaration of support still valid?  This brings to mind all of the online petitions that get passed around.  Those are the very least we can do.  If I am doing the bare minimum am I actually doing anything? 

I am very much a get off your ass type of person.  If I believe in something and I can do something to help then I try my best to get off my ass and help.  I've cleaned up "bad" neighborhoods.  I've played games with seniors in a nursing home.  I've attended punk rock shows even then I think they are too loud and I'm too old.  I've gone to events in other cities to be supportive of the organization even when I didn't know any of the performers.  Can you be supportive if you never get up?

I keep thinking about the idea of shop local, support downtown, buy organic and those such movements.  DH owns a coffeeshop in downtown Lufkin.  I ask people to buy local and support downtown.  I changed to a beautyshop downtown.  I try to buy clothes in downtown but I don't really have much luck since I'm a lady of a certain size.  I want others to be downtown so I'm downtown.  Should I be doing more?  I guess we can usually do more. 

Where is the line of support?  Can my online signature do anything?  Does my dollar do as much as me getting off my ass actually helping build a habitat for humanity house?  Can I say I'm supporting something, a business, a musician, an artist, but sit outside?  I have no answers and mixed up feelings.

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Update September 2014

So I'm busy.  Stats is hard.  Change theory is hard.

I have joined a roller derby league.  DH has opened a business, more details to come as he actually opens.

Gym girl is doing well.  First team performance will be next week.  First team competition will be next month.

Short sweet and very incomplete.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Update on life/unschooling

So I've been busy and lazy.  Blogging as of late has not been appealing even though I've had lots of blogging ideas.  Writing them down just has not been part of the thinking process.

As far as an update I am jumping into the world of research and will be taking a statistics class this fall.  I'm not looking forward to weekly Wednesday night classes (I haven't done a weekly class since 2007 during my MLIS days).  It will be a huge adjustment for all of us.  I think GymGirl will have the hardest time since her team class is also on Wednesday nights and DH will also be changing jobs soon and he'll be working evenings.  GymGirl will go from having her mom and dad for dinner nightly to just mom and mom will be gone one night a week.  I worry about so much for her at once.

Unschooling seems to still be working for us.  I must admit I struggle with letting her take the lead.  I want to buy a curriculum and put it on her desk to sort of trick her into showing interest.  She is doing a great job reading.  She is muddling through "2nd Grade" level books.  I'm not sure what leveling books really does other than make a parent feel justified in their own parenting decisions.  Yeah, my 4-year-old is reading a 2nd grade book!  I'm a great mom!  It's so not like that!  GymGirl likes to read.  She sees her mom and dad reading all of the time so she puts books up too. 

We have started something new with GymGirl.  We are reading The Mouse and The Motorcycle by Beverly Cleary to her.  One chapter a day and we started on Monday.  It was one of my favorite books and I don't think GymGirl was too impressed with the first chapter but last night's chapter ended with a cliffhanger!  What happened to Ralph?  "Mom, did Ralph die?  Mom what happens next?"  You'll have to wait for Chapter 3 tomorrow.  I think I've got her hooked! 

DH will be staring The Wind in the Willows with her soon.  I think the chapters are too long but he loves the story and I think sharing what you love trumps "appropriate length" any day.  I mean these are chapter books and she is only 4. 

GymGirl is also showing a strong interest in math.  She does calculations for fun and then ask if she is right.  Her current math thing is to quiz everyone in the house on addition facts.  I guess we're fine just letting her explore life.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

#RandomRecipe: #GF All Purpose Flour Mix

Here is my go to GF all purpose flour mix:

5 1/4 cups (25 oz) fine white rice flour
1 cup (7 oz) potato flour
1 cup (3 1/2 oz) tapioca flour (also called tapioca starch)

I use a food scale and weight out my flours rather than measure out in a cup.

I found this recipe in Phil Vickery's Gluten-Free Baking, he calls it Basic Flour Mix A.  In that book Vickery limits the uses of this mix to cakes and cookies (I think) but I honestly love it for most of my applications rather than spending tons of money buying a pre-made all purpose mix.  There were some other good recipes in this book so search ISBN: 9781554078110 for your own copy.  I borrowed it from my local library and like I said I love this flour mix.

If the recipe calls for an all purpose mix with xantham gum, you can add 1/4 tsp of xantham gum per cup of this flour mix.

I borrowed this book from the library and Phil Vickery has no clue who I am so I have not been compensated for the post at all.  I love this flour mix and why spend tons of money on an expensive mix when this one works so well?

I spent  $6 on two bags of white rice flour (24 oz each), $4 for one 24 oz potato flour, and $4 for one 24 oz tapioca flour.  The potato flour and tapioca flour will both stretch into another batch and you'll only need one bag of rice flour the next time so I think this is pretty thrifty since you get about 7 cups of mix per batch. 

Friday, July 11, 2014

GymGirl loses a tooth

So yesterday we had a major milestone for GymGirl; she lost her first tooth.  This should have been a happy occasion but instead it ended in tears.  You see GymGirl swallowed her tooth!  She was eating her frozen gluten-free donut (she prefers them that way) and did not notice the tooth had come loose.
I'm not sure how to feel about the whole thing.  One it is funny.  She swallowed the tooth!  However, this marks the start of kid-hood.  She's four and a half!  The time has flown.  I thought I had more time!  She even has a second one that is loose!


Thursday, July 10, 2014

Strike a pose(r)

So the discussion of what it means to be a poser has been swirling around me as of late.  I think it mostly has to do with the idea of being authentic.  If you are living your most authentic life then you don't have a time/need to pose as something you are not.  However, if you have never had a "Come to Jesus" talk with yourself then how in the hell do you ever stop posing your life away?

As part of my doctoral journey, I've had to come face to face with some painful truths about myself.  I've had to face fears and grow.  (I don't like the work change, I prefer to grow like a seed.)  I am noticing that many people in my cohort seem to resist growth or at least in calling a spade a spade.  I don't tend to use a filter and I speak pretty bluntly.  I think many people find me short and cutting but I just don't see the need to bs people.

Anyways, so back to posing.  How do you know you are a poser?  I mean if you live your life as a hipster what defines you as a hipster instead of a hipster poser?  I'm using hipster since according to DH, I am a hipster.  This goes to the whole idea of identity.  I don't identify as a hipster.  I really do prefer pop music with an edge of alternative music.  I prefer to homeschool/unschool my child.  I shop at goodwill because I'm poor not trendy.  I drink my coffee at an independent coffeehouse because my husband owns one.  I'm gluten-free because my DD and DH are both allergic to wheat.  I don't live a hipster lifestyle in my opinion but if I look up "Hipster-subculture" you might as well put my picture there.  So am I poser without even realizing it?  Is it possible to be viewed as a poser without even noticing since you are just being your authentic self?

Why the need for labels?  Is it an American thing?  Do other cultures require labels?  In Mexico you are poor or rich.  I don't know that outside of social status there are many other labels.

Why pose?  Why hide under the clothes of another person?  How do you expand your mind without the wearing the clothes of posing at some point?  Is posing bad?

I think as some point we all pose.  I think of myself in school.  I posed as the all-american girl trying hard not to be Mexican, like I could ever out run it.  Once I had my "Come to Jesus" talk with myself about my identity I started embracing my Mexican-ness and I can breath better.  I don't understand posing as a life-style choice (well as an all-life encompassing life-style choice).  Don't it weight you down to carry so many lies?  Don't you get tried of running from yourself?  Does digging deep into your pain really scare you to the point you would rather die as any person but yourself?

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Randon Recipe: #Glutenfree Pancakes

I've tried lots of pancake recipes and mixes and I've hit on one that I really like so here it is:

1 1/2 cups of brown rice flour
2 tsp. of baking power
1 egg slightly beaten
1 cup of milk
pinch of salt

Optional (depending on your taste)
1/2 cups of sugar
1 tsp of vanilla

I say play with the sugar and vanilla amounts.  I like a sugar cookie-like pancake but I think you make this more savory by changing up the add ins.

Mix up the ingredients.  put it on the hot griddle til they are ready. 

You might need to add more rice flour if they are too running.  Most recipes start you with 1 cup of flour but that ratio seems to running for gf pancakes.  This recipe gave me fluffy pancakes which is what I missed most from regular pancakes.  Enjoy!
The pancake on the left had 1 1/2 cups of flour and the one on the left only had 1 cup.  

Monday, July 7, 2014

#Mamavation Monday: Strength training

So this week's topic is strength training and I'll be honest I usually avoid it.  I'm not confident I know what to do and I'm afraid I'll hurt myself.  I am also usually alone and I don't think we're suppose  lift alone.

Okay with my excuses aside, I do try to  lift dumbbells and I have the Mamavation 2-week challenges to thank for the confidence and routine.  I keep the Mama Guns routine as my go to for lifting and when I started I struggled with 15 lbs weights and now I'm up to 20 without much problem.

I do have an idea in my mind that I would love to be strong enough to do an unassisted pull up.  I know I can build strength and I just need to commit to building my strength to reach my goals.  I'm toying with the idea of setting up a few private training sessions so I can set up a strength building routine that will lead to my goal.  Right now I'm toning up and I can see a real change.  My arms are looking great but now I"m up for the challenge of building some major muscle power!

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

#Mamavation Monday - The Stairs

So I have been taking the stairs instead of the elevator!  My office is on the fourth floor and I'm slowly keeping my breath more and more.  The first day I lost my breath on the second floor.  Now I'm good until the 3rd floor.  I'm recovering pretty quickly but recovery has never really been a problem.  I have no clue why I seem to sweat like a pig and lose my breath very easily and then recover in 30 seconds flat.  It makes me feel like I don't workout hard enough but then I push until I can't push and still recover quickly.  I've lost 2lbs since making the switch to the stairs and my ass is getting rounder so this is a total win-win for me :)

Anyways, I conquered the high ropes the week before last.  I tried all three challenges and I only fell off of one!  I didn't really fall off, I just could not find a way to stand up on the pole for the leap of faith so I just let go.  The hardest part of the whole thing was on the first challenge were I was reaching from vine to vine and suddenly the whole ropes course started to shake.  I just knew I was going to fall.  I held fast!  I was shaken as much as humanly possible at the moment.  Shaking and 30 feet in the air and I held fast.  I'm taking that lesson into my life in general.  I can survive anything!  I can be shaken and I can survive!

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Gym Mom: What the flip just happened?

Ravebaby (okay let's change it to GymGirl from here on out) just made the gymnastics team. She's four and they have a new pre-competition squad; basically they are being groomed for the tougher "real" team. We started at Tall Timbers when the gym first opened almost 2 and half years ago. GymGirl is one of the original students. I remember when she would be told to jump and she just lifted her heels. The office lady said it the other day, "from diaper bug to team, she's come a long way." GymGirl is super excited about team. I'm not so excited about the cost but for GymGirl I would do just about anything. I never saw myself as a Gym Mom. I excepted a daughter who wanted to do karate or be a drummer and I know there is still plenty of time ahead for those things. I'm nervous about the commitment we've all made. Not just money but time. Meets are on Saturdays (GymGirl will have 5 next Spring so much for pre-competition) and I'm still working on this doctorate. I'm also looking at returning to work full-time which complicates homeschooling a bit. I know everything will work itself out. I must trust in God's plan but I'm still wondering What the Flip just Happened!
Diaper Bug 2012
First Day of Team Try-outs 2014
Team Try-outs
Last Day of Team Try-outs
Team T-shirt

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Fat Martha

I originally posted this on my tumblr but the more I thought about it I realized it belonged here. Why hide on tumblr? I've always been open and honest so here is another open and honest piece. So DH keeps getting on to me about calling myself fat. He tells me I’m beautiful. I believe he is telling the truth according to his view point. He asked why I still don’t believe it. So why don’t I believe I’m beautiful? Good question and here are some thoughts: 1. If I’m beautiful then why didn’t anyone look like me on tv? I would think as least one show would feature a lady that is beautiful like me instead of just skinny hags. 2. If DH could only see the kids I get when I’m not next to him. The looks of disgust on many a person’s face. The whispers about how dare I wear x or y. 3. My mom on my birthday this year called me fat. This is pretty much a weekly occurrence, in my childhood it was closer to daily. It is so fucking hard to take that voice out of your head. So I’m beautiful, okay. I know many realities exist at once. In DH’s reality I’m beautiful. In my mom’s reality, I’m fat. In my reality, I struggle. Just a side note, my mom is great. I love her dearly and most of the time being called fat is more of a term of endearment. Being Mexican being called "Gordita" means more like I see you and love you the way you are instead of just meaning Fatty (which is the literally translation of the word).

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

#Mamavation Monday: Emotional Eating

This weeks topic hits close to home. I eat my feelings. I feel great, time to eat. I feel sad, time to eat. I feel nothing, time to eat. I'm not sure why I connect eating with my feels so closely but I do. I try to exam my hunger and eating. I check in with myself. I feel like I should begin keeping a diary for why I eat. At this point in my life, I am noticing I eat when I'm bored. Instead of starting a project, I tend to sit and eat. I totally catch myself searching for food knowing I"m not hungry but bored. I'm trying to do other things, like read (which by the way I very rarely eat while doing this task). Is it any wonder my weight is over the top? Strangely since I started hanging with the Mamavation Sistas I've lost about three inches around my underbust area and about 2 around my waist. My weight on the other hand keeps going up. I have no clue what is going on with that! I took my first zumba-like class today. I had fun and I plan to continue with the classes. I play bass, I have birthed a black child, and I still can't find the flipping beat! Anyways that is my check-in for the week!

Monday, May 19, 2014

#Mamavation Monday: #2weekchallenge non-completer

So first of all I would like to give myself props for not calling myself a loser.  I am non-completer.  I did most of the 2week challenge.  The bur-pees and my lack of working out for almost 2 months did me in this round. 

I am still proud of the workout I did complete and I plan to keep a few in my regular rotation.  I'm also happy with the new format.  Week 1 was based on the plan for the challenging rotation from the last 2 week challenge.  I would have never tried it if it were not part of this challenge.  I was too afraid to try.  I was worried I couldn't handle it but I know I totally can.  I just need to take my time and get it done.

I hope to finish out the couple of workout I have left.  I am a non-completer but I still feel like I won since I challenged myself and finished each workout I started.  I'll get stronger and I'll keep at it.  I'm sure I'll be ready to kick the 2-week challenge in the nads next time. 

Friday, May 16, 2014

I'm vapid?

About a year there was an incident of all hell breaking loose around me.  The details are not for this blog since really it was about someone else but I say this because as part of the all hell breaking loose I got told I was vapid.  Now, I have to admit there are plenty of English words I don't know and this person found one of them, vapid.  I had no real clue to what it meant about me.  I knew it wasn't good.

In general, I am a shy person and I really struggle with small talk.  If I don't know anything about a subject, I will probably keep my mouth shut and listen.  I'm a big believer in learning from listening and using context clues to try and understand what is being shared.  Now that said if I feel like I actually know about some subject, like breastfeeding, being glutenfree/wheatfree, or education, I will jump in and talk your ear off.

After some research and a good deal of soul searching, I'm not sure that I'm vapid.  The person who said it was angry at the time and I'm pretty sure feeling under attack so this was the stone hurled.  Vapid - to contribute nothing or to lack a challenging aspect.  Maybe I'm still misunderstanding.

This concept was actually hurled at a group of us in describing our conversations with each other.  We were told we talk about nothing of interest.  All we talk about is babies, periods, sex and other stupid shit.  Vapid.  The ladies in question as well as myself I would argue are far from vapid.  Can we talk about nothing?  Absolutely.  For those of us raising kids and worrying the better part of the day about doing a good job educating our children, talking about nothing is actually kind of nice.  A conversation on which the fate of the world does not hinge is really really nice.  For a different subset of us, talking about nothing (small talk) with a group of friends is about practicing the art of small talk.  We are shy.  We don't speak to people unless we have something to say so a discussion about nothing is an honest to goodness exercise in being social.  Vapid.

I've heard mothers be called vapid.  Mothers add nothing to the conversation except talk about their kids.  I wrote a blog post about my Ravebaby many years ago stating that my child is my legacy, my ultimate research project, my eternal life experiment is motherhood.  I expect my husband to talk about his physics projects, I expect a barista to talk about coffee, I expect an artist to talk about art but yet when a mother talks about her kids, she has nothing to add to the real world.  Vapid.

Maybe my topics of conversation add nothing to your life.  Maybe you think I'm boring.  I probably think the same thing about you.  I have a four-year-old who sings Let It Go around the clock so it is possible I can't put a thought together without bring her into the conversation.  My bad!  Please tell me more about Socrates and how hard it was for you choose between hot outfit #1, #2 and #3.  I was just lucky to find something that was clean because I haven't been able to find time to do my own laundry in weeks.

I am in the process of earning a doctorate in educational leadership.  I have two Masters degrees.  You want to talk about the state of education?  You want to talk about librarianship and the real value of the community library?  What you only want to talk about theories and philosophies?  Good for you, but I'm about to tune out and yes Ravebaby's Let It Go will be ringing in my ears.  Vapid.

Maybe I am vapid, what the hell do I know? Ravebaby would say, "Vapid rhymes with Rapid!"  Yes dear those are rhyming words and can we please not watch Frozen again?  How about some Word Girl?


Monday, May 5, 2014

Tats and more

As I was coming home on Saturday from my last class of residency, I had the thought that I needed to mark this event with something.  I wanted to play a gig but that is hard to do at the last minute.  I wanted to get a piercing, just my ears again, but I hated the idea of dealing with keeping it clean.  Then a strange thought came across my mind a tattoo!   I honestly had not wanted another one.  I'm happy with the huge pro-breastfeeding pin-up on my left arm and was thinking I was good until after earning my EDd.  The tattoo idea itself was not strange actually it was the who to get a tattoo from that was strange.

You might remember my DH's bestie, AKA my Archnemesis.  So Archnemesis has recently started tattooing, just himself.  He's never tattoo anyone else but has been making designs to others.  I never asked about his tattooing or for a design.  I've been pretty busy with school so everyone else's goings on have been on the back burner.  Anyways, the universe decided I should ask Archnemesis.  Such a strange thing since for the most part we have a strained friendship, I mean I do call him a nemesis for a reason.

Anyways, I was talking to DH about it and DH sent the text from there the universe took over.  text at 7pm and the design by 10, tattoo at 12am.  I should say that Archnemsis specializes in hand-poke tattoos so one needle poking in the ink.  This tattoo was going to hurt.  Oh did I mention I would be the first person he had ever tattooed outside of himself?

The design process was strange.  What do you want?  I don't want bitch-ass flowers.  Bitch-ass flowers?  Yep none of that shit.  Then what do you want?  A pine tree.  What?  A pine tree.  Anything else?  No bitch-ass flowers.  End conversation.

So why the pine tree?  Well, I live in the land of pine tree.  It is often described at the the pine cone curtain.  Pine is one of my favorite smells since my dad has worked my entire life at a sawmill and he would come home smelling of pine.  It also seems feeling that I have a couple of flowers on my left arm for Ravebaby and my mom that my right arm have something for my dad.  That's the story of the pine tree. 

The whole tattooing process was actually okay.  I handled the pain well and Archnemesis's  design and work was great.  I think we all learned a lot from the process.  I now have a cool piece on my right arm and Archnemesis and I are okay terms.  My arm currently looks like he punched the shit out of me but considering everything it's probably just karma.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

#Mamavation Monday: Residency is over

As most of you know I've been in the first year of my doctorate in Educational Leadership.  Saturday May 3 was the last day of my residency year (Year 1).  I feel like I've accomplished something big.  I survived my first 8 classes (24 hrs) of doctoral work and I'm pretty sure I'll be keeping my 4.0. 

According to the cohort before us, if you can survive this first year then it's all good until dissertation.  This was the hardest part.  I'm looking forward to some time back.  Instead of losing my entire weekend, I should have more time for family and friends.  I'm excited for days without worrying about homework.

I'm excited about getting back on board with my workouts!  I haven't done jack since spring break so like 8 weeks :(  Mamavation 2-week challenge here I come!

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Chick-lit Loving Soul

I wrote this as part of an assignment, a much longer assignment.  In case you didn't know, well now you do.  Enjoy!
                    I am a librarian.  As a result people expect that I am very well read and enjoy reading classics in my off time.  The true is often disappointing to people.  I only read classics as required by courses and I enjoy chick-lit.  I enjoy a lot of chick-lit.  When I saw the novel requirement for the poetics of leadership assignment, I knew I would no longer be able to hide my passion for reading the equivalent of trash.  Unlike my co-hort members, I could not turn to the respectable works of Shakespeare, Bronte, or Hemingway.  I have no intimate knowledge of the words of Fitzgerald or Austen. 
                   As a scholar-practitioner, I have to forgive my lack of passion for the classics and embrace my love of chick-lit.  In loving my chick-lit loving soul, I realize there are probably more people like me, who are not well read and struggle to answer questions like what is your favorite William Faulkner book?  Not being well read is not the sign of a frivolous mind but of a person who faces life all day so prefers to escape into fiction.

                   The result of the merging of my chick-lit loving soul and my scholar-practitioner metaphor is The Undomestic Goddess by Sophie Kinsella.  Kinsella is known for her book series Shopaholic and I imagine she is not well known among those whom prefer Machiavelli with their tea.  For me, Kinsella's work is the highest form of escapist reading.  I am transported to London, where most of her books take place, and I live the life of women trying to find love and balance.  

Anyway that is the introduction to the novel section of my Poetics of Leadership assignment.  If you feel like watching the final product here is the link.  Like I stated earlier this is part of much larger assignment.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

The day Mac and Cheese almost derailed my life

So maybe not so dramatically but it felt like it.

Last week I walked in to find Ravebaby enjoying the mess out of a cup of microwaved Kraft Mac&Cheese.  I think for many parents this would have been a cute sight.  A wonderful picture opportunity to share on Facebook.  A cute yellow covered face with a huge smile and the perfectly place cup in that beautiful little hand.  For me, my blood ran cold and I went into panic mode.  Yes my beautiful wheat-allergic daughter had just consumed a huge amount of wheat! 

I know I was showing my panic.  My mother and father, who had been watching Ravebaby at the time, were freaking out.  Ravebaby started to freak out and yell at her grandmother for giving her wheat.  I had to take a deep breath and start calming down at least outwardly.  I was honestly freaking out.  First few thoughts, is she breathing okay?  Should I take her to the ER?  Do I call DH?  What do I do now?  Why didn't I throw that stupid cup of mac and cheese away a long time ago?

Once I could think again, I got Ravebaby her allergy meds and called DH because I needed to hear from someone that I had done the right thing.  Ravebaby was fine.  I think we were more freaked out than hurt initially.  The first day there wasn't any real reaction.  Maybe she had outgrown the allergy?  Could it be?  Was my daughter ready to join the ranks of the "normal" kids?  Yes, I love her just the way she is but I'm a mom and "normal" would still be nice. 

Anyways, the hope gives way to night terrors!  A big huge fuck you and your hope too to me.  It has been a week since the mac and cheese and she has been sleep walking and waking up at least five times a night.  Her attitude stinks; mostly due to lack of good sleep, I think.  So far outside of losing sleep, nothing else has really reacted.  No horrible skin break outs.  No sickness.  She has living on gas medicine but otherwise pretty good overall. 

I know plenty of wheatfree mamas out there have guilt and stories similar to mine.  I'm sharing so you know you are not alone.  I watch what Ravebaby eats but I'm not with her 24/7 and she is getting older and pulling food for herself.  She is going to eat wheat.  She has done it before and she'll do it again.  All I can do is take a deep breath and be ready to give her her allergy meds and gas meds and lose sleep.  I'm so lucky it is not worse.  I don't know what I would do if this ever turned deadly.  So far so good.  No point in worrying about a bridge before I get to it, right?