It's just me - Low Self Esteem and other fun issues

I was binge watching Downton Abbey last month and I had forgotten about all of the wonderful lines that Dame Maggie Smith delivers with impeccable timing and tone.  In one episode, Isobel walks into the room and says, "It's just me." and the Dowager replies that "I always feel that greeting betrays such a lack of self worth."  

It suddenly hit me that I do that all of the time.  I say "It's just me."  I thought about it a bit and realized that in fact I lack self-worth and I'm giving others the opportunity to devalue me before anything else happens.  When someone forgets a meeting with me to runs late and apologizes, I usually say, "Oh don't worry it's just me."  In other words, I'm not worth your worry, I'm worth less than others and my time isn't as valuable. 

I've completed a doctorate and while I worked on the stupid thing, I would tell people "If I can do it then anyone can." Which is true but just because I did doesn't mean you can.  This really ticked me off once when someone who has not yet to this day finished their undergraduate degree looked at me and said, "Well if you can do then anybody can."  Like somehow I'm so slow or stupid that everyone else is better than me so obviously if I can anybody can.  The funny thing is nobody that I know that has actually ever started their doctorate has ever said anything like that to me.  The only people who have ever been like "Oh, it must not be that hard if you did it" are all people who have never gotten past the undergrad level.  

Same with the marathon.  Yes, I was slow but I finished.  Again, "Oh if you can do it then anyone can." Maybe but that doesn't mean you can.  And again, no one that has ever started a marathon has ever demeaned me for my time on the finish or anything close to that.  They always high-five and congratulate me.  People who have never lined up, yeah they pull that anyone can card.

So what does it mean that "If I can then anybody can" versus "Just because I did doesn't mean you can." Well first of all I want everyone to pursue their dreams and reach their goals.  You shining doesn't take away from my shine.  Secondly, I have accomplished tasks that put me in the 1% or even .5% of the population.  I am a fucking unicorn.  I haven't done things that are impossible if you work for them.  You can walk a marathon.  You can take 10 years to finish your dissertation.  I'm not a genius.  I am 100% of average intelligence.  I am not a thin running gazelle.  I am an overweight chunky woman.  What I have that anyone who has ever finished a marathon or dissertation has is a refusal to quit.  It takes stamina, both mental and physical for both.

If I have ever given you the impression that I am ordinary then I do apologize.  If you have ever met me and thought well she's not that special then again I'm sorry.  You need to understand that you stand and have stood in the presence of greatness.  I am extraordinary.  I am exemplary.  I am a fucking unicorn that is covered in diamonds and poops gold.  

Don't you ever dare think you can be me.  I don't give a shit if you run faster and further than me.  Please, beat my running PRs.  I want you to do well.  Don't ever tell you me that my doctorate is less than someone's from the Ivy League.  I spent less money and still get called Doctor.  Never make the mistake of thinking that because I tell you that "It's just me" means that I don't understand my own awesomeness.

Do I feel awesome?  Fuck no!  Do I walk around like those Ivy League grads with a stick up my butt forgetting that I'm a poor Mexican woman?  Fuck no!  I know I look like everyone else you know but I'm not.  As my boss told me this week, I am meant for bigger and better things than where I stand today and people where I stand today is pretty damn awesome.  I have accomplished a shit ton of stuff with half the resources and God-given talent of those around me.  

Line up at the start line and I'll be your pit crew.  I'll be your faithful cheerleader.  I'll stand in the cold, rain, wind to watch you finish your marathon if it takes you 4 hours or 20.  But don't you dare tell me you can be me.

I'll read and edit your research papers.  I'll drive you to your interviews.  I'll sit at your defense and take you for a celebration when they pronounce you Doctor.  But don't you dare tell me you can be me.

I am the product of luck, opportunity, ambition, DNA, failure, and grit.  I am amazing.  I am exemplary.  I am extraordinary.   

20 min run next to public enemy #1

Okay so it wasn't that bad.  The dude is actually very nice but today he and some really old dude had to talk about Trayvon Martin.  These dudes were white (point of fact).  They were both in agreement that Trayvon probably deserved it and that the other dude was justified in shooting.  I wanted to puke.  I had just started my 20 min run and I was struggling to push myself to run and here these guys are talking about how some kid deserved to die because he was in a hoodie in a place he shouldn't have been and that the media was using a baby picture to make the other guy seem horrible. 

I've purposely avoided talking about Trayvon.  It hurts to think about it.  I'm a mom.  My husband is black and that means, God willing, that I'll have a son who is black.  DH and I plan to live in a "nice" neighborhood.  I can't think about it without thinking it could happen to me.  I could be Trayvon's mom.  DH loves to wear a hoodie.  In fact he usually dresses as the Uni-bomber for Halloween in a dark gray hoodie.  Since when does what you wear determine whether or not you live?  Have we gotten to the point that life means so little? 

So today I ran 20 mins.  I didn't want to.  The old dudes nearly made me quit.  I had my headphones in and I pretended to be into my run.  I wanted to say something.  Between Fox News on the TV and the dudes next to me, I just wanted to leave.  How do you push to make yourself better when the world seems to only see you by the pigments of your skins?  I can't tell you how many times I've been mistaken as the cleaning lady instead of the teacher/librarian.  I didn't stop.  I kept running.  Every time I wanted to quit I pushed harder.  Rather than let someone who doesn't know me determine my life, I used it to push myself to be better.  I know these old dudes are entitled to their opinion same as me.  Life teaches us to look at things and make judgments based on our own experiences.  None of us know all of the facts in the case so me jumping on some old dude's case wouldn't do anything.  Besides I would have started crying and then I would have lost all creditability.   

So what did I learn today?  I can run 20 mins straight!  I also learned that only I can determine how I do in this life.  I might live to be 100 or die on the way home but my life is just that my life.  I can't be scared to do something because of what someone else might think.  For every person that sees me as the cleaning lady, there are just as many who's life I've changed through teaching or heck just by breathing.  I've got to do me.  Right now I am a wife, mother and a runner in training. 

Today at Standpipe after my run.

Running and feeling shy

So Lent started this last Wednesday; in case you didn't know I'm Catholic.  For my lenten sacrifice I decided to do a running reward system for myself.  Basically if I run then I can go to my favorite coffee spot in town (Standpipe Coffee House).  I like this because I'm tying something I love (Standpipe) with something I want to do more of.  At first I was just going to give up Standpipe, which I can do, but I'm the sort of person that wants to take on as well.  My usual go to lent move is to give up soda.  I've really cut down on my soda intake anyways except for a Vanilla Coke from Standpipe.  I was also running to Standpipe a lot, which was eating my budget. 

I have been wanting to get back to running.  Back in the day I ran cross-country.  I was never any good but I like the time to think.  Running also makes me feel stronger.  I had tried to get back into running shape a few times before but the last time I tried, about 8 months ago, I injured my hip so I've been a bit scared to try.  Wednesday as part of Ash Wednesday I was craving a Vanilla Coke from Standpipe.  By the end of the day, after many Our Fathers and Hail Marys to resist the temptation, I realized that I could blend sacrifice and taking on together.  Thursday morning, I got up and went running.  I'm using Couch-2-5K.  I felt great.  I ran without dying and without killing my hip!  Saturday, I got up and went running.  Day 2 Week 1!  Today I feel great.  The soreness is all but gone and I can't wait to run tomorrow, assuming I can find the time. 

So Friday night, DH and I had a mini-date.  We headed to a new music venue here in Lufkin called The Factory.  There are great people that hang there (and at Standpipe) and they are so cool with themselves.  Me I'm so shy.  I want to be cool.  I want to get out there and dance even when no one else is but I just can't.  I'm a wall flower.  I hate being a wall flower.  I mean people could care less about me and what I"m doing and yet I feel like all eyes are on me.  I think the running will help with the shyness.  If I feel strong and self-confident then I'll feel less wallflower, right?  I will chair-pump!

Sexy

DH and I had a long discussion yesterday after my "Feeling Fat" post.  He of course argued that men don't feel like that.  They don't allow the media in like that.  He's a big guy and if the clothes don't fit he just moves on.  Okay, but men also don't have really have the skinny vs fluffy debate to deal with.  If I want something sexy I have to go to a specialty store.  Big Girls 'R Us ain't on every corner.  A fluffy girl has to know where to shop.  We can't just go into any store and expect to walk out with something.  If the store doesn't have a "Plus-size" "Today's Woman" "Womens" or another random for the fluffy girl term section then you are shit out of luck.  With men tending to buy big, thanks to the horrible show your underwear fashion, they can usually find something even if it is just undershirts.  Not true for the fluffy girl.  If I want something other than perfume, Victoria's secret is not for me.  By the same token, if you want something from Lane Bryant and you are under a size 14, they go nothing for you.  Women are set up in a vs fashion.  Skinny bitches vs Fluffy goddesses; what is up with that!?

Anyways, I'm still on the hunt of a garter belt and stockings.  I've gone to the interwebs and have found a lot of stuff.  I'm a bit worried about the budget but only because I found some to die for steel-bones corsets.  Too bad I don't blog toward fashion or might could talk some of these companies into letting me try and review.  LOL.  The quest continues.

I am sexy.  My clothes don't really mean anything.  My feelings about myself are all in my head and on this blog.  Yes, there are times I feel fat.  There are also times I'm walking around thinking I'm the hottest thing ever.  Most days I'm just happy in my own skin.  So with or without the corset, garter belt, stockings, and sky-high pump, I'm sexy and I know it!

Feeling fat

so yesterday I went to Victoria's Secret.  Needless to say I now feel super fat.  Since losing weight with the wheatfree diet, I've been having a crisis of body image.  Strangely, I was more comfortable being bigger.  I felt sexy.  Now I just don't know how to feel about me.  I'm about a size 16.  Basically I'm back to my high school size, not my high school weight but size.  I feel too fat for "regular" sized clothes but the "plus" sized stuff fit too big.  I'm in a no woman's land. 

As part of my trying to reclaim me, I'm trying to evolve my personal style.  I want to be a bit more pin-up and less sweatpants mom.  I want to feel sexy, strong and beautiful all the time instead of feeling so slouchy.  The make-up I can totally handle.  While I tend to be more clean faced, I love eyeliner.  I am in search of the perfect red lipstick but that is a blog for another day.  I am struggling with the clothes.  I want to wear things fitted but then my muffin top shows.  I want to wear things that are breastfeeding friendly.  I've actually had a lot of luck with that.

One area that is actually working for me is shoes!  Since I have to wear pumps and "fancy" shoes to work, I am finding for the first time in my life I can wear high heels without a problem.  So this leads me to Victoria's Secret.  I love wearing a garter belt and stockings.  They feel sexy.  They are classic pin-up.  It's like a sexy secret since it's under the dress and only I know I have it on.  None of my old garter belts fit and I don't have any stockings so off I got to buy some.  I headed to the Secret in hopes of finding something.  Instead, I left with my ego super bruised.  I feel fat.  Oh well, I'll feel sexy another day.

Scary ain't it :)