It's just me - Low Self Esteem and other fun issues

I was binge watching Downton Abbey last month and I had forgotten about all of the wonderful lines that Dame Maggie Smith delivers with impeccable timing and tone.  In one episode, Isobel walks into the room and says, "It's just me." and the Dowager replies that "I always feel that greeting betrays such a lack of self worth."  

It suddenly hit me that I do that all of the time.  I say "It's just me."  I thought about it a bit and realized that in fact I lack self-worth and I'm giving others the opportunity to devalue me before anything else happens.  When someone forgets a meeting with me to runs late and apologizes, I usually say, "Oh don't worry it's just me."  In other words, I'm not worth your worry, I'm worth less than others and my time isn't as valuable. 

I've completed a doctorate and while I worked on the stupid thing, I would tell people "If I can do it then anyone can." Which is true but just because I did doesn't mean you can.  This really ticked me off once when someone who has not yet to this day finished their undergraduate degree looked at me and said, "Well if you can do then anybody can."  Like somehow I'm so slow or stupid that everyone else is better than me so obviously if I can anybody can.  The funny thing is nobody that I know that has actually ever started their doctorate has ever said anything like that to me.  The only people who have ever been like "Oh, it must not be that hard if you did it" are all people who have never gotten past the undergrad level.  

Same with the marathon.  Yes, I was slow but I finished.  Again, "Oh if you can do it then anyone can." Maybe but that doesn't mean you can.  And again, no one that has ever started a marathon has ever demeaned me for my time on the finish or anything close to that.  They always high-five and congratulate me.  People who have never lined up, yeah they pull that anyone can card.

So what does it mean that "If I can then anybody can" versus "Just because I did doesn't mean you can." Well first of all I want everyone to pursue their dreams and reach their goals.  You shining doesn't take away from my shine.  Secondly, I have accomplished tasks that put me in the 1% or even .5% of the population.  I am a fucking unicorn.  I haven't done things that are impossible if you work for them.  You can walk a marathon.  You can take 10 years to finish your dissertation.  I'm not a genius.  I am 100% of average intelligence.  I am not a thin running gazelle.  I am an overweight chunky woman.  What I have that anyone who has ever finished a marathon or dissertation has is a refusal to quit.  It takes stamina, both mental and physical for both.

If I have ever given you the impression that I am ordinary then I do apologize.  If you have ever met me and thought well she's not that special then again I'm sorry.  You need to understand that you stand and have stood in the presence of greatness.  I am extraordinary.  I am exemplary.  I am a fucking unicorn that is covered in diamonds and poops gold.  

Don't you ever dare think you can be me.  I don't give a shit if you run faster and further than me.  Please, beat my running PRs.  I want you to do well.  Don't ever tell you me that my doctorate is less than someone's from the Ivy League.  I spent less money and still get called Doctor.  Never make the mistake of thinking that because I tell you that "It's just me" means that I don't understand my own awesomeness.

Do I feel awesome?  Fuck no!  Do I walk around like those Ivy League grads with a stick up my butt forgetting that I'm a poor Mexican woman?  Fuck no!  I know I look like everyone else you know but I'm not.  As my boss told me this week, I am meant for bigger and better things than where I stand today and people where I stand today is pretty damn awesome.  I have accomplished a shit ton of stuff with half the resources and God-given talent of those around me.  

Line up at the start line and I'll be your pit crew.  I'll be your faithful cheerleader.  I'll stand in the cold, rain, wind to watch you finish your marathon if it takes you 4 hours or 20.  But don't you dare tell me you can be me.

I'll read and edit your research papers.  I'll drive you to your interviews.  I'll sit at your defense and take you for a celebration when they pronounce you Doctor.  But don't you dare tell me you can be me.

I am the product of luck, opportunity, ambition, DNA, failure, and grit.  I am amazing.  I am exemplary.  I am extraordinary.   

Paging Dr. MLC

In case the title of the post doesn't give it away, I passed my dissertation defense last Wednesday!  I can officially use the title of Dr.  Depending on when the baby is actually born will determine if I walk in December or not.  I predict a full-moon baby, which would mean Dec 14th.  As long as I have a natural zero complications childbirth then I should be good to walk in the graduation on Dec 17th but we'll have to wait and see. 

Going back to dissertation defense for a moment, it was a total let down!  I had to ask if I had passed because there was no big congratulations Dr. or yes you passed.  I honestly thought I had failed and had to present/defend again.  Apparently that is the MO of my dissertation chair.  I asked a friend that had the same chair and graduated back in May and he said he felt the exact same way.  He had to ask if he had passed too. 

As I have settled into the idea of having passed I'm slowly changing my email signatures and remembering to let people know that I actually am a doctor now.  Seems strange and weird.  I have another chapter to write for the dissertation along with some changes here and there to make it better but the title is mine!  WOW!  I can't believe I did it.  I'm only two semesters behind schedule.  May graduation would have put right on target for completing my degree "on time" but December is nothing to sneeze at.  There are lots of people who never finish! 

So there you have it.  I'm a doctor of education.  It all started with deciding to have a home birth.  That one decision moved me into a new tribe of people and ultimately into educational research.  Gymgirl changed my entire life and career.  I can't wait to see where this new baby, Spud, leads me.  

#Mamavation Monday: Residency is over

As most of you know I've been in the first year of my doctorate in Educational Leadership.  Saturday May 3 was the last day of my residency year (Year 1).  I feel like I've accomplished something big.  I survived my first 8 classes (24 hrs) of doctoral work and I'm pretty sure I'll be keeping my 4.0. 

According to the cohort before us, if you can survive this first year then it's all good until dissertation.  This was the hardest part.  I'm looking forward to some time back.  Instead of losing my entire weekend, I should have more time for family and friends.  I'm excited for days without worrying about homework.

I'm excited about getting back on board with my workouts!  I haven't done jack since spring break so like 8 weeks :(  Mamavation 2-week challenge here I come!

Chick-lit Loving Soul

I wrote this as part of an assignment, a much longer assignment.  In case you didn't know, well now you do.  Enjoy!

                    I am a librarian.  As a result people expect that I am very well read and enjoy reading classics in my off time.  The true is often disappointing to people.  I only read classics as required by courses and I enjoy chick-lit.  I enjoy a lot of chick-lit.  When I saw the novel requirement for the poetics of leadership assignment, I knew I would no longer be able to hide my passion for reading the equivalent of trash.  Unlike my co-hort members, I could not turn to the respectable works of Shakespeare, Bronte, or Hemingway.  I have no intimate knowledge of the words of Fitzgerald or Austen. 

                   As a scholar-practitioner, I have to forgive my lack of passion for the classics and embrace my love of chick-lit.  In loving my chick-lit loving soul, I realize there are probably more people like me, who are not well read and struggle to answer questions like what is your favorite William Faulkner book?  Not being well read is not the sign of a frivolous mind but of a person who faces life all day so prefers to escape into fiction.

                   The result of the merging of my chick-lit loving soul and my scholar-practitioner metaphor is The Undomestic Goddess by Sophie Kinsella.  Kinsella is known for her book series Shopaholic and I imagine she is not well known among those whom prefer Machiavelli with their tea.  For me, Kinsella's work is the highest form of escapist reading.  I am transported to London, where most of her books take place, and I live the life of women trying to find love and balance.  

Anyway that is the introduction to the novel section of my Poetics of Leadership assignment.  If you feel like watching the final product here is the link.  Like I stated earlier this is part of much larger assignment.

Statistics and me

I have another confession to make and it is one that I have made freely to people but I don't think I've really talked about it here.  I'm afraid of statistics.  I know that is a common fear but it is one that has kept me out of my professional/educational path for a long time. 

See I have two Masters degrees.  When people hear that they are always so impress or think I'm crazy but the reason I have two Masters degrees is statistics.  Rather than face the challange of learning statistics, which I knew I would need for a doctorate, I took the easy way out and earned another Masters degree.  It's a bit crazy.  Fear is a bit crazy in general.

Why talk about this now?  Well it has come to a head.  I have declared myself for the Research and Evaluation cognate for my doctorate in Ed leadership which means statistics!  I'm terrified.  I'm in a catch-22 at the moment.  I have no background in statistics but I'm too advanced in my studies for an elementary stats class.  As a fellow doctoral student told me, "You are too smart.  They teach to the lowest person in the class.  You'll be bored and feel like you've wasted your money."  I know she's right but I'm just so afraid since I'm already coming in behind.  I've decided to work my way through the elementary statistics book so that I can get a foundation in stats and then I'll be jumping into the deep end of the pool with a stats class at the Masters level.  I already said I was scare right? 

If I am going to dare greatly then I have to risk failing.  I don't want to take the easy way out and just choose curriculum and instruction for my cognate.  I want to be a researcher and statistic just can't get the better of me.  I think that would be my deathbed regret if I don't go for it.  I never tried to learn statistics and go for my real dream of being a researcher.  I don't want to chicken out.  I want to stand strong and maybe fail in a huge way going for my dreams.  So I'm daring greatly.  I'm entering the arena.  Courage or comfort, never both, right? 

Creative Post: The Scholar-Practitioner as a Moral Being

I posted a music video that I created for Max Reynolds and his wonderful song Draw the line a few weeks back.  The whole video was inspired by a project I have due for one of my doctorate classes.  The project is the poetic of leadership.  Here is the 10 min extravaganza!

Non-Negotiables

This is actually an assignment that I had to turn in last semester.  I sparked a lot of discussion for our group and really made me think about where I draw my own lines.  Just wanted to share.

My personal non-negotiables are flexible.  I think being inflexible leads to a person’s inability to forgive themselves for falling short.  We all fall short and as such we need to be able to forgive ourselves for times we don’t stand up, we stay silent, and in general violate our personal non-negotiables.  I honestly believe that a person’s inability to forgive themselves leads to refusing to allow others into our lives because we fear being seen as a fraud to ourselves and then in turn to them. 

1. I will treat others in a matter that makes them feel seen, heard and valuable.  When I fall short I will examine why I failed and how I can do better next time.
2.  I will treat myself as I feel that I should treat others.  I cannot treat others better than I treat myself.  If I don’t begin with being my best to myself then others will see my efforts as disingenuous and/or as a means to take advantage of me.
3.    I will be grateful for the life I have even when it seems to be going in a direction I do not like.  Being grateful will require me to stop and exam my attitude towards in the world in general and this will allow me to refocus myself on bring positive change into the world.
4.    I will listen without judgment realizing that I can only see through my own life experiences and that I cannot judge what others due since time, circumstance and life experience are different for everyone.
5.   I will practice forgiveness of myself and others.  Anger and grudges only serve to hurt me and if I keep hurt within me then I cannot keep the first four non-negotiables. 

Learning that I am worthy

So my struggle to feel worthy of love, respect, anything, is nothing new to anyone who has read my blog with any frequency. In the last few weeks I have found a new avenue for trying to feel worthy. It happened quite by accident and I have TV to blame for it.

The story as follows:
I woke up early one Sunday morning about fours weeks ago and discovered both DD and DH were still asleep. Sunday is my sleep in day so DD usually wakes me up. I was annoyed to be up early on a Sunday but grateful for the "me" time. I've become a fan of the Travel Channel as of late and I turned to find a show I had seen several times before. I don't really like rewatching shows and I settled in for some channel surfing. Why I turned to OWN first I have no clue but I'm glad I did.

On the screen was Oprah speaking to Dr. Brene Brown. The familiar Texas accent kept me from changing the channel immediately. As I watched I began hear real words of wisdom. It wasn't someone who was enlightened and above me trying to tell me about how I should live my life but a down to earth struggling human just like me.

Now I don't do self help books or follow gurus but after Brene's Super Soul Sunday appearance, I have to admit I'm hooked. If you are not familiar with Brene's work, I highly recommend looking up her TED talk. (Actually I linked it at the bottom of this post.). She is a shame researcher. Normally that would have made me run but on that day I listened. Hearing the universal nature of shame and how to move past it so as to learn to feel worthy just spoke to my soul. I checked out Brene's book, Daring Greatly, from the library and devoured it. I am read pretty slowly and between doctoral work assignment all I really want to do is hang with my family but I just could not put the book down.

Who doesn't want to feel worthy? Who doesn't deal with shame on some level? Who would not want to do everything in their power to make sure their child never questions their own worth? So I read. I've seen Brene's TED talks and OWN appearances and I just bought her book The Gifts of Imperfection. I am moving forward to feeling and living like I am worthy and I am enough because I am worthy and I am enough. What I really like about Brene Brown is that she admits she struggles with all of the worthy and shame issues too. As I move forward I know that at the least I know one other person is also struggling on this path, of course Brene's point is we are not alone.

Anyways, at this point I have DH and most of the coffee crew reading Daring Greatly. We are doing a pseudo-reading group. It is amazing feeling like I can talk about shameful things and know that I was never alone in dealing with those things, I was just afraid to be judged for those things.

I highly recommend you look up Dr. Brene Brown. At this point in my life, Brene Brown was the voice I needed to hear. I am vulnerable and my shame in feeling vulnerable has been holding me from really living my life. As part of my doctoral program, we are working towards critical self-reflection. Do you know how vulnerable and naked it feels when talking about your grammar mistakes in front of a group of doctoral students? Or being the ex-teacher who thinks public education is bullshit in a room full of current teachers and principals? It is not a good feeling but I am surviving and I think I am learning that standing out and up for what I believe is actually a good thing. I have no reason to hide me because it am worthy of respect and of my feelings and if I can stand up and dare greatly in sharing my opinions then I might just open another persons eyes to the wonders of unschooling. I know I am totally losing my point with my rambling.

So to conclude go and read some Brene Brown.

Two classes left for semester 1

So just a quick check-in.  I'm doing pretty well in my classes.  They are not easy and I'm learning, reading and writing so much that my brain hurts.  I'm really enjoying myself.  The members of my cohort are great people and we have very lively discussions.  I'm still waiting for the first real fight or for someone to cry.  You know the things that really bind a group of people together!

It is so hard to believe that this semester is almost over.  I've gotten the major papers in but there is still so much work left for these last two weeks.  After July 26th, I'm on break for almost a month!  Hopefully I'll get a chance to write more blog posts then.

As for my personal life, it is up and down.  DH and I strong as a unit which means fighting as we both learn to deal with my new life as a doctoral student and his own project that is still under wraps for the moment.  DD is finally getting into the new groove too.  She was extremely clingy at first on the weekends but she has calmed down.  I think my resolution to work hard at school and then come home and just be mom has helped there. 

As far as my own mind is concerned I'm expanding my vocabulary and trying to learn to be one of those smart people they uses quantify in a sentence instead of just saying measure.  Or my favorite, I am writing a personal narrative instead I'm writing a story.  So yes, I'm going to try to smarten up my blog post simply because I need the practice.  Besides I can run the discourse on this blog any which direction I want :)

Bittersweet: 3 years, 5 months, and 15 days (Breastfeeing pics included)

If you are a regular reading you will noticed that the Breastfeeding Timeline is now gone.  As of two weeks ago Ravebaby totally weaned.  My goal for nursing was 2 years.  I never imaged that I would go almost 3 and half years.

 It is bittersweet.  I am happy to have my body back.  I no longer have to worry about being able to nurse out of what I am wearing.  While it had been about 5 months since we last nursed in public and about 3 since she had nursed at anytime beside bedtime, in my mind I have always had boobs as a ready and willing tool for curing ouchies or helping her go to sleep.  We snuggle and we are both happy with it.  I nudged her to wean and then she decided it was time. 

Ravebaby weaning just in time for me to start my doctorate.  I thought she would regress.  I figured she want to nurse as soon as she saw and then stay on the boob all the time.  I think she just realized that there was lot of life away from the boobs and besides, mom's boobs don't make chocolate milk.

So anyways there you have it.  I am officially no longer a breastfeeding mom.  It is incredible to me that this one decision to breastfeed has changed me so much.  I am wheatless because I breastfed a wheatless baby.  As I sit here eating my Gluten-Free Glutino Toaster Pastery, I have to smile.   I don't miss wheat.  When DH got his "death sentence" of a wheat allergy 10 years ago, I was in shock and had no clue what to do.  When we saw the signs in DD at 3 weeks,  I went cold turkey.  Now, eating wheat makes me sick.  I can tell when I've had wheat.  I just don't miss it anymore. 

My breastfeeding journey maybe over but the wheatlessness will continue.  My blogging will be more sporadic too.  I started my doctorate classes on June 1st and I am swamped with work.  I'll be around and still glued to my computer but I might not have much blogging time.

Always a winner?

Okay I am getting so sick of being told that I am always a winner. I hate that idea because to have a winner you must have a loser. I am not cool with the idea of a someone losing but anyways. I have bigger issue with the idea that I haven't worked my ass off to get myself into position to win.

So the current example is the whole getting into the doctorate program. I kept hearing well duh you're going to get in. Hello, I have two Masters degrees! I have worked my ass off. It was still not a for gone conclusion. These programs pick the personalities that match them and as me as I am, I tend to rub people the wrong way. No guarantee I was going to get in.

I really feel like the whole thing is about people either not knowing me or wanting to overlook the work. I do not come from privilege. I come from a line of hard working people and working hard is what I do best. Getting into the doctorate was the fruit of 33 years of work. Nine years in public education with at least one boss that was so awful and that hated me so much I almost got fired and was on the verge of being unable to finish my MLIS. I have worked. Unlike DH, I was not blessed with super high IQ, I have always had to work, even in high school.

So I am not a winner, I just refuse to lose. I rarely quit but when I do it is after finally realizing that my work is done and I have over stayed my welcome. I just don't give up easily, not to say that I don't give up. I am selective about what I choose to attack but fear of hard work is not usually a reason for me to not go for something. The point of the rambling: I am not a winner just too stubborn and hard-headed to give up and/or take no for an answer.

DH, shame spiral, doctorate

So it is no secret that for the last few weeks is have been in a shame spiral of sorts, really it was a body image downward spiral. However, the last six days have been nothing but fighting and sex with DH. It has been really difficult but also really good for us. It had been a long time since we had connected so deeply both emotional and physically.

In all of the fighting and fucking, we got to the whole reason I started down the shoot of a downward spiral to begin with. What started it? I am starting a doctorate of educational leadership in June. The start of the issue was his lack of enthusiasm when I got accepted. He was sleeping and I woke him up to tell him. He said oh good and went back to sleep. No hug, no great job, no I never had a doubt. Nothing! This was at the beginning of the Hidden Village Music Festival and once he got up he was out the door to Standpipe, barely a kiss for me and no mention of the doctorate. So why does it matter? He is suppose to be my cheerleader. If he doesn't care, if he is not there to share the success then . . .

I am not saying it makes much sense but since that time I lost all enthusiasm myself about the whole thing. I mean it is not like I get accepted to doctorate programs everyday but it as I'd I had been accepted to high school, just a feeling of oh well that wasn't hard so why do you want a congratulations. I mean this is really the first time I've blogged about the fact that I am going to earn a doctorate!

If you don't know DH, he is amazing. I have always been in awe of his magnetism. I am not magnetic. DH just has an aura that people are drawn to and that is part of what lead to my particular downward spiral about my attractiveness. Women have always thrown themselves at him. I have literally had to push bitches back. But I don't have that come flirt with me aura. I have personality and it only comes out if I know you, otherwise I am pretty shy.

For me I know I am a hard worker. I know I am smart. I know I am strong. When DH didn't make a big deal about the doctorate, which in my opinion is a strong showing of all those things I see in myself, it made me question what do I have to offer. If I'm not that smart or hardworking, if they just take anyone that applies then I am in fact not special. I know I am not the hottest woman in most rooms. In my mind that made me feel like I just plain old don't have anything going for me. If I am nothing then why is DH even with me? Did start dating me because he lost a bet? Is he with me out of pity? See nothing logical in this thinking. Just sharing the internal crazy dialog. It was a cascade of thinking.

DH downplayed my acceptance to the doctorate program. Then I started to notice that people don't really compliment me or flirt with me so then i felt ugly. Here is the problem feeling ugly is comfortable for me. I know this feeling. It is easy for me. I can get pruney in the pool of ugly. I know how to downplay me. I know where all of the body issues are. Once I go there, it can be too comfortable to leave.

Now I feel better. Now that I know how I slipped down then it was easy to climb out. (Good sex helps too.). I am not logical. I am a feeling person. I think the thing for me to remember is to talk it out. Feeling bad is comfortable so I can only get back to good by talking my way back. So I gotta talk more. There is my crazy on full display, go ahead judge and discuss. Me I got a doctorate to prepare for.

#Mamavation Monday: Mamavation 5k

So this past Saturday I ran the Mamavation Virtual 5k. I had been taking a short break from running trying to give my hip a chance to heal. I was worried I won't be able to actually run the whole thing but I set out to run no matter how close to walking is seemed. Honestly there are times I think I could walk faster than I run but that is neither here nor there.

I was slow but I did get it done. I set out to pace at about 14 min for a mile and when I had finished I was at about 13:30 and my hip was not killing me! I still amazes me how much better I feel after a run.

I did notice that since my abs were hurting from my sultry (stripping) floor dance class that I had better running form. I have a bad habit of slouching once get tired but on Saturday my abs hurt worse if I had bad form so I ran with my head held high.

On Saturday I also received word from SFASU about my application to the Doctorate of Educational Leadership program. When I got the envelope I was sure the answer was no because the envelope was small. I was shaking when I opened it and luckily for me they did not beat around the bush, the first word was congratulations! So they accepted me. I have spent the weekend really think it over and have decided to go for it. I know I will have lots of work ahead of but I am looking forward to the challenge. I also know that now more than ever I need to have a good workout routine. Grad students tend to sit a lot which leads to butt spread and eating lots of fast food. I start in June so I have a few months to get into a regular running schedule. This story is to be continued . . .
This post is sponsored by Mamavation – a community dedicated to obesity prevention & weight loss for women and I’m writing this to be entered into a giveaway

#Mamavation Monday: kicking ass

So in general I have allowed myself a week to feel fat and feel sorry for myself for gaining some weight.  That is now over!

This week I am kicking ass and taking names.  I have several projects in the works, most important my application to a doctorate program.  I need to finish writing my leadership profile.   Basically I need to write 10 pages bragging on my leadership skills.  I kick ass!

So that is my task for the week: KICK ASS!