Poison

I haven't written since I took my new job since one there isn't really time and it is difficult to know what is safe to discuss in a public arena.  This incident just has me shaken and I need somewhere to talk it out so to my trusty blog I go.

One Friday I was honored to be asked to speak on a Graduate Student panel to help undergraduate honor student think about their futures.  I took the time to try and catch up on schoolwork which has gone by the way side since I went back to work full-time.

As I was leaving I decided to thank the professor who had invited me and in general check-in since it had been about 6 months since I had seen him last.  In the course of conversation I was told that I poisoned his class.  I was blamed for the lack of A's.  Seriously!  He looked me dead in the face and called me poison.  I did try and argue and back him off the whole idea but still it out there.  I am poison.

I went home and told DH all about it.  Here is the worse part, DH agreed!  He agrees I poisoned the class.  Words have currency and the choice of poison was like a dagger to my ego.  I'm a nice person.  I'm easy to get along with (usually).  But now I just keep hearing that I'm poison.

After thinking it over for 24 hours and still being bother by it, I talked it out with DH some more.  He still thinks I was poison in that class but he made an interesting point.  Why the hell to do I care?  That was over 6 months ago and my grade ain't changing so what is done is done.  According to DH the reason I can't let it go has to do with the who said it rather than the content of what was said.

 I think he is right, of course.  I've been called much worse than poison so why does this one interaction bother me.  I think it felt out of the blue and mean-spirited.  The word was chosen to hurt me.  Six month and the best word the PHD could find was poison!  I thought he thought better of me.  Instead he seems to hate me.  Okay, I guess I'll file that in my trashcan and move on.

Dissertation and a general update

This has been a weird few weeks.  I started a new job and I am in full swing in dissertation work.  This last semester was quite tough on me.  I had a stats professor that I seemed to connect with on a personal level but not on a stats level so I spent a lot of time trying to teach myself stats which meant very little time for dissertation work.  I ended up with a B.  I'm not happy about it but this professor did push me to be nicer to myself, the whole negative self-talk thing I do.  Just like DH, the stats professor would get on to me about my negative words toward myself.  I think I am getting a little better about it or at the very least I am more aware of it and trying to turn my words around to the positive. 

Dissertation writing has been an interesting process.  In theory you have to write about 200 pages for your dissertation.  In theory you have about 75 pages or so ready when it is time to defend your dissertation proposal.  I turned in about 67 pages when I sent in my request for a dissertation chair.  I got my first pick and he replied in about 9 hours which is amazing!  My dissertation chair is a man I really respect and most day I'm just in awe of him.  He is like the creator of the idea of the scholar-practitioner so I feel like I won the lottery!  I sent out requests/invitations for my dissertation committee today.  If they all agree then I'll have a committee of four.  If someone does not accept then we'll go back to the drawing board and see who else would be a good fit given who has accepted. 

Gymgirl had an amazing couple of month in kindergarten and will moving on to the first grade next year.  It was not an easy decision to make.  She is not technically old enough for 1st grade, missing it by five months, but leaving her in kinder would be a disservice to her.  She is reading at about a 3rd grade level and while her handwriting is a bit shaking, she is mature enough to handle herself with the slightly older children so we are letting her try it out.  I consulted with derby sisters and with doctoral cohort members and they all agree let her move on.  Maybe this will prove to be a disaster but since when does age dictate skill?

DH and I are super busy with both of us working full-time.  DH is still involved with Standpipe Coffee and Black Spot Tattoo so he works a full-time plus a part-time job.  Me, I'm working full-time plus motherhood, doctoral work, roller derby, and life as it comes at me.  In other words life is good.

Us with The Shiz 'cause why not!

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