No one to dance with

So this has nothing to do with dancing and everything to do with my crazy. You have been warned, read at your own risk, yep, I make very little sense.

Okay so the heart of the matter is a lack of self confidence. I don't think I am very attractive. I don't take complements well. I feel like an old fat ugly cow.

According to DH, I am simply nuts, unobservant, and my biggest problem, I am a woman. DH says that all women question whether or not they are attractive or sexy. I'm not sure what goes on in other women's heads, I just know mine and I spend a majority of the day thinking I look awful.

So like all good scientist, DH asked for my proof that I provided the following:

1. No one outside of DH complements me
DH's Rebuttal- men are too afraid of him to even think of saying anything and I am scary with a mean disposition

2. No one jokingly talks about me
DH's Rebuttal - people are afraid of me, when I joke I cut too deep, people are again afraid of him

3. I never catch anyone starring
DH's Rebuttal - I just have no clue what to look for and people are afraid of DH, something about making eye contact with him and the threat of having their eyes removed

So I think the real problem is DH. J/K I love him with everything I have and if never get a complement from another person then I might keep questioning my sexy but I know that DH always sees it.

So exploring the crazy a bit more. Is my issue really a question of feeling like I am stuck with DH? I choose DH and I would chose him again. I mean marriage means making the decision every morning to stick it out and make it work. However, I must admit, hear me out, that I want to know that if tomorrow I decided to leave I would not end up alone. I don't want to pick DH by default.

Some of it comes with age too. We've been married 11 years. When we got married I know I was choosing DH over other guys. There were other dudes that had expressed interest but I wanted DH and truth be told DH was and is the best choice. He has said that I am not his default. There are other options and he chooses me, daily. I know there are plenty of women who would jump in my place. I mean without DH even looking twice, we've had women stalking him. Women are nuts, oh and stay the fuck off of my man!

But back to the point, feeling attractive is about knowing you have options. Lets be honest, I know DH wants me. I know DH would love to do me all day long everyday. I have no doubts that I was and am chosen from the cream of the crop. I want to know that I am doing the same thing. I want to know that I am choosing this and not just settling. Maybe that makes me a bitch or at my core a cheater or whatever you want to call me. I want to know that I am going home with my number one choice not with the only boy that asked.

I am not speaking for anyone but me. I just know that there are days that I feel like I am beautiful and that I am the most beautiful girl in the place and I am going home with the most handsome guy in the room. There are other days that I feel like the most handsome man in the room is pitying me and taking me home for the night. I never said I was sane. I am just putting it out there. Conclusion? I don't have one.

Sexy

DH and I had a long discussion yesterday after my "Feeling Fat" post.  He of course argued that men don't feel like that.  They don't allow the media in like that.  He's a big guy and if the clothes don't fit he just moves on.  Okay, but men also don't have really have the skinny vs fluffy debate to deal with.  If I want something sexy I have to go to a specialty store.  Big Girls 'R Us ain't on every corner.  A fluffy girl has to know where to shop.  We can't just go into any store and expect to walk out with something.  If the store doesn't have a "Plus-size" "Today's Woman" "Womens" or another random for the fluffy girl term section then you are shit out of luck.  With men tending to buy big, thanks to the horrible show your underwear fashion, they can usually find something even if it is just undershirts.  Not true for the fluffy girl.  If I want something other than perfume, Victoria's secret is not for me.  By the same token, if you want something from Lane Bryant and you are under a size 14, they go nothing for you.  Women are set up in a vs fashion.  Skinny bitches vs Fluffy goddesses; what is up with that!?

Anyways, I'm still on the hunt of a garter belt and stockings.  I've gone to the interwebs and have found a lot of stuff.  I'm a bit worried about the budget but only because I found some to die for steel-bones corsets.  Too bad I don't blog toward fashion or might could talk some of these companies into letting me try and review.  LOL.  The quest continues.

I am sexy.  My clothes don't really mean anything.  My feelings about myself are all in my head and on this blog.  Yes, there are times I feel fat.  There are also times I'm walking around thinking I'm the hottest thing ever.  Most days I'm just happy in my own skin.  So with or without the corset, garter belt, stockings, and sky-high pump, I'm sexy and I know it!

Feeling fat

so yesterday I went to Victoria's Secret.  Needless to say I now feel super fat.  Since losing weight with the wheatfree diet, I've been having a crisis of body image.  Strangely, I was more comfortable being bigger.  I felt sexy.  Now I just don't know how to feel about me.  I'm about a size 16.  Basically I'm back to my high school size, not my high school weight but size.  I feel too fat for "regular" sized clothes but the "plus" sized stuff fit too big.  I'm in a no woman's land. 

As part of my trying to reclaim me, I'm trying to evolve my personal style.  I want to be a bit more pin-up and less sweatpants mom.  I want to feel sexy, strong and beautiful all the time instead of feeling so slouchy.  The make-up I can totally handle.  While I tend to be more clean faced, I love eyeliner.  I am in search of the perfect red lipstick but that is a blog for another day.  I am struggling with the clothes.  I want to wear things fitted but then my muffin top shows.  I want to wear things that are breastfeeding friendly.  I've actually had a lot of luck with that.

One area that is actually working for me is shoes!  Since I have to wear pumps and "fancy" shoes to work, I am finding for the first time in my life I can wear high heels without a problem.  So this leads me to Victoria's Secret.  I love wearing a garter belt and stockings.  They feel sexy.  They are classic pin-up.  It's like a sexy secret since it's under the dress and only I know I have it on.  None of my old garter belts fit and I don't have any stockings so off I got to buy some.  I headed to the Secret in hopes of finding something.  Instead, I left with my ego super bruised.  I feel fat.  Oh well, I'll feel sexy another day.

Scary ain't it :)