Places vs Spaces

A few years back during my doctoral studies, we read a book titled, "Significance of Place" by Kincheloe and Pinar.  The basic jest is that where in the world we grow up, the place plays a role in how we are raised. 

Going into popular culture, there is a scene in "Music and Lyrics" were Drew Barrymore's character is writing music lyrics and she is debating the use of the word corners instead of spaces.  She wanted to give boundaries.  She wanted a better visual.

Okay so now to the point, I have been either sick, dealing with sickness, or working for the last 6 weeks.  It was like I ran Tejas at the end of September, jetted off to Indy for a conference, and then disappeared into my house.  So last Saturday, I decided to officially leave my introverted space and rejoin the world.  I went out for coffee and then skating.  Trust me, I should have done one or the other, not both.  Recovery from pneumonia sucks but then you just read that post so you know that part already. 

But back to the point,  to start off my day of self-care, I  posted a picture of my coffee and scone at Java Jacks with the caption, "I am officially leaving my hiding space so hit me up."  I almost used the word place but switched to space.  Why?  The more I reflexed on my word choice, I found myself thinking about "Music and Lyrics" and "Significance of Place."  A place is a fixed space.  My hiding place would be my house or my office.  It has an address and I can guide you there; however, a space is more nebulous.  It could have an address but not necessarily. 

As an introvert, I am very good about hiding myself in a crowd.  I can turn inward into my own mind and look like I'm part of the crowd but really I'm far away.  I'm in my hiding space.  I have a few friends that understand my need for my hiding space.  They don't get offended when I suddenly grab my phone and space out for a minute.  There are just times, I am overwhelmed with input and just need to hide.  There are times that a minute will do.  There are times that I won't communicate personally with anyone for weeks at a time outside of posting on social media. 

To post that I am leaving my hiding space means that I am open to seeing people and to be seen by people.  I am in a headspace for difficult conversations.  Let me tell you, September was full of tough conversations and I was pretty glad to be forced into hiding.  I thought I had plans with a friend that suddenly just went MIA.  Honestly, I was looking forward to that conversation but when he just disappeared I spun into a shame spiral that I had been circling and managed to avoid until I couldn't escape the internal dialog of "See, everyone hates you.  X is avoiding you.  And you just had that fight with A and S also seems to be avoiding you.  Your good doesn't outweigh your bad.  You don't deserve friends."

Once I jump into the spiral I just seemed to keep being buried again and again.  I finally made some plans to leave the house and then sickness hit the house.  Then as I was recovering I entered the hardest weeks of the semester.  I had no energy for anything.  The struggle is real and dangerous.  I feel like I don't deserve love or friends so then I avoid everyone which of course only reinforces the feeling that I don't deserve love or friends since no one wants to see me but no one wants to see me because I am refusing to be seen.  And the spiral of shame sucks me in deeper but add to that the illness and work and you begin to have a situation were professional help might be called for.  At this point, I have learned to stop the dialog for an in-depth analysis.  Is it true that X is avoiding me?  Probably but maybe he is busy.  Did you lose A?  Probably but if she can't have an honest conversation do you really want her?  Is S avoiding you or am I just hiding so that she can't find me?  Then I list the people that love me.  Then Baby Lala demands hugs and kisses and I can see that I was just exhausted.  I couldn't see the truth because I was just exhausted.  Now that I've had a chance to rest and see the completion of some projects, I can be seen again.   

I can't exactly say I can breathe again, fucking pneumonia, but I can see the end of the tunnel and I feel bright again.  I'm no longer a cloud of darkness and therefore I am fit to be around people.  Maybe my bad doesn't outweigh my good but that's cool.  I'll hang out with my fellow badass bitches and we'll fill with space with love, laughter, and light.

Introverted Trail Running - Headphones in your Ears

So I like to run trails. Up until being invited to train for Hells Hills, I only ran streets and tracks.  I don’t know why I didn’t run trails.  Looking back on some of my cross country races, many would have been trail runs.  Trails feel freer and more peaceful.

I noticed while I was running Tejas that I was one of the few runners with headphones in.  I always run with headphones, even on the street.  I need the music.

Running with headphones can be dangerous, especially if you wear both ear pieces.  Now when I run on the streets I only wear one but any other space I’m in my own little music world.  I have both ear pieces in and as loud as I can tolerate it.  I want to be in a world of music.

Now, introverts are known for wearing headphones to avoid the world and maybe that is the point with me wearing them as I run.  At least when I first started running, I know I was running with a C25K program with audio cues so I needed to be able to hear the cues.  Now after several years of running, I feel naked without my earphones and strangely more vulnerable.

If I know I’m sharing the trails, like at a race, then I turn down my music.  Proper trail etiquette requires you to move to the right to allow the faster runners to pass.  Remember trails are often single person wide and not big person wide, like narrow skinny track with very little room even on the sides to allow someone to pass you.  Since I tend to run on the slower side, I get passed a lot.  I try to keep my eyes open for a place to jump to allow the faster folks to pass me by without ending up rolling down a hill; honestly at times the options are make people wait or end up falling off the side of a hill. Now I said, I try.  Sometimes people do end up right on my butt and I have to quickly jump but usually they are calling out to let us slower runners they are coming up on us.

You should always be aware of your surroundings.  We have all heard stories about runners being attacked, murdered, and/or kidnapped while running.  I am learning to run with music set lower.  I like being able to hear my music but honestly I tend to tune it out a lot of the run.  However, I don’t want to let go of the music altogether.  I am not an elite runner.  I struggle to get out there.  I struggle to stay out there.  Music can often save my run.  At Tejas, when I wanted to quit and was so done, Erasure’s Chains of Love suddenly came into my consciousness.  I heard, “don’t give up, don’t give up.”  I took a deep breath and started running again.  During my marathon, Brandon Flower’s Crossfire took over my mind and yes, I was between heaven and hell but I wanted to finish.  Music just helps.

So yes maybe that headphoned runner is trying to avoid you but maybe they are just trying to keep going.  Of course, maybe I need to invest in a pair of earphones that play music in your skull.  I’ve read they are safer but at $200+ it will be a while before I drop the cash.

Running in silence

I got a new hydration backpack as part of a Black Friday sale and much to my delight it arrived yesterday.  Now, I've been resting my hip and ankle in hopes of restarting my running so I didn't have any miles this week at all.  I was excited to try out the new pack and to try out my hip so I got myself together and hit the trail at the local zoo.  It was awful!

So what makes a run awful?  It can be lots of different things and don't worry, you'll hear all about my run of suck.  Like a said before I had a new pack which should have been my first clue that this run was going to require patience but dummy me I totally thought this new piece of equipment would make the run better somehow. Filling the pack was easy and it fits great.  I really thought I was going to be too fat for it but it is fairly adjustable and I had plenty of room to spare. 

One of the things that is essential for a run for me is music.  The only time I don't need music is if I'm running with someone, otherwise music is a must.  I also use the Nike+ running app to track my miles and tell me my pace and distance as I run.  Along with those, I also an interval timer to help me stick to my Galloway running.  I know lots of people run/walk as their body tells them but my body always says let's sit on the couch and eat potato chips so I need the timer.

As is my custom, I start my interval timer and Nike.  Nike pulls music from my phone so I just zip up my belt and go.  Today for some reason I decided to turn off my WiFi, which I did not realize would affect my Nike app.  It was an outdoor run without any WiFi so why waste the battery power?  Well, that was a mistake.

I usually use a knock-off Flipbelt to hold my phone and keys as I run but today I had my new hydration pack!  So many pockets!  I was excited but it adds a complication, I can't just drop my phone into the pack, I have to put the phone in the pack and then strap the pack on.  Nike can be set to have a 9-second delay in beginning tracking on your run.  So I set myself up for a 9-second delay instead of my usual 3 and I quickly dropped my phone in the pack and off I go.  I put in my headphones and nothing.  I forgot to pull in the headphones in my rush to get going.  No biggy.  I stop the run.

Take 2 - I plug in the headphones.  I don't worry about restarting the timer.  I know the cues and I figured I was still in my warmup anyway.  Again I move quickly to put the phone in the pack and the pack on my back.  I can hear a cheer from the Nike app.  (If you don't use Nike+, you can add friends and those friends can be notified when you start a run and they can send you cheers along the way.)  Cool, so I'm good to go, I thought.  I run my first few intervals but I notice there is no music.  I knew I had gone about 1/2 miles bases on my intervals and yet no feedback from Nike.  FUCK!

So I stop and look.  Sure enough, Nike is on and is timing me but hasn't recorded any distance at all.  So I stop the app again.  Great 1/2 mile not recorded, no music, and I notice the GPS is red, in other words, it can't find a GPS signal.  I'm in the middle of the woods.  I've run this trail several times before so I know it is usually spotty there anyways.  I'm playing with the settings.  I need music.  I want to record my run.  What do I do?

Take 3 - I turn on the WiFi, suddenly red become green.  Okay, one thing is taken care of.  I look at all of the music settings within the app and I can see it has no music.  At some point, it lost access to my music files.  I'm not wasting more time.  I change the setting to no music and start Amazon music.  I have music. I have GPS.  I reset the timer.  I quickly start my run on Nike+.  I toss the phone in, again and again, the pack on my back.  Once I'm moving again, I put in my earphones and they are blasting!  I try to turn them down on the volume control on the earphones but nothing.  No change.  What to do?  I can stop again and risk losing all of the working settings or just deal with it too loud and try to be a bit more aware of my surroundings since I can't hear anything but my own thoughts.  Fuck it, just keep moving.

After about 1/2 miles, I have a true conversation with myself.  I'm out here alone.  No one to talk to.  Haven't been on a run with anyone in over a month.  Without music, I'm too aware of being alone.  Now, I've been struggling with being alone.  I'm an introvert and shy to boot.  I like being alone unless I don't.  With my dad's surgery/cancer, new job, DH's new job, and lack of self-care due to injury, I have really needed to reach out and talk to a friend.  Someone who knows me and what is going on or at least doesn't mind hearing about what is going on.  I've ended up pretty friend-less of late.  Everyone I know is so busy.  This is when hanging out with non-losers is an issue.  They are all too busy for me, right now.  So alone I am which in my mind turns into I'm not good enough for anyone to take time for me.  I'm alone and I deserved to be alone.  I don't have friends because I'm awful.  You know the dialog.

That dialog tends to quiet down during my runs.  The longer the run, the quieter the dialog.  I recenter.  I find those good parts of me to focus on.  I thought maybe it was the running itself but after today, I think it is the music.  When I hear Brandon Flowers singing about the crossfire, I feel like someone understands me.  When I don't feel like fighting the demons inside of me, Lilli Lewis reminds me to breathe for just a moment.  If I can put two moments together then I can start moving toward putting 13 miles of moments together.  I'm not as alone when I run Fitz and the Tantrums in my ears.  Music soothes my soul.  It becomes the voice of reason when my own voice says stop fighting and just drown, no one will notice see so and so won't answer your text, see so and so never invite you to the movies and they just went, you're not worth anyone's time so just accept it and disappear. 

I won't disappear.  I think I'm finally in a headspace where I have accepted that I'm great at helping people move on from me and that that means that yes I am alone.  People move in and out of my life pretty quickly and that isn't actually a bad thing.  It is hard to accept that I have let people get to know me and then they drop me but I would rather hurt than be numb.  Right now I'm in a hurt season.  Nothing to really do but breathe, run, and blog.  Oh and let Lilli keep me moving forward.