Damn it Brene!

I just started listening to Brene Brown's Dare to Lead.  I bought Rising Strong but managed to lose my copy before ever reading it and I restarted Daring Greatly but now that I'm commuting daily, I decided to listen to Brene.  She is already making me rethink and re-evaluate my last few blogs.  Damn it Brene!

So Brene teaches about vulnerability.  She is amazing and if you haven't read her work, do it!  I know I struggle with connection.  I live in a pit of shame and hustling for worthiness.  I try not to.  I really do until it is just too hard or life is too busy and then I give up and fall down the shame spiral. 

Dare to Lead is focused on being a leader.  I left my last position because I had honestly lead that organization as far as I could with my skills as the time.  I wanted to dare greatly and lead with my whole heart and I did for awhile.  Then I stopped having boundaries and then I got in over my head.  I can see that now.  I can see when I stopped being a leader and started hustling for worthiness.  I know I can do and be better because it is already inside of me. 

Part of this dare to lead thing and wholehearted living is connection.  I want to connect to and with people.  As a shy introvert, I already feel like I am at a disadvantage because I struggle to just speak to new people.  After these last few months, I had decided to give up on making new friends, new connections and just focus on me and then Damn it Brene! 

As I was listening to Brene as I drove home and she mentioned connections and connecting to people.  We have to be open to connection if we are going to live courageously.  I feel like all of my attempts at connection over the last five years have been nothing but me being open and then getting slapped.  Now that isn't true of everyone I've met over the last five years but enough to make me want to give up on the whole connecting thing.  Part of me wants to just focus on reconnecting with old friends and rebuilding those friendships; I miss my marble jar peeps.  But those are all people who live far away.  Now that I'm in a new job, I need to be open to new people and new connections, which means new failures. 

I know I can do it.  I know that I can be open.  I know that stepping into the arena means being open to failure.  Okay, Brene, let's do this.  Let's get the shit kicked out of us by connection.

  

Embarrassing times in red underwear

Embarrassing is such a hard emotion for me.  Usually embarrassment turns to shame pretty quickly but on Tuesday I actually dared greatly and reached out before it took an ugly turn. 

This is the facebook message I sent to my band mates:

Okay have to share an embarrassing story with you girls. I decided to wear a dress today and on my way to my office I did not know that my backpack would cause my dress to ride up in the back. I was almost at my building when I felt a cool breeze. Yes my ass was all out Good thing I was wearing my red Charlotte set! So I guess I was advertising for Golden Pear.

Yes ladies and the random dude looking for boob pics, I walked in front of the library with my red panties showing, like my ass was all out.  So why tell you good readers this?  I love the work of Dr. Brene Brown and after rewatching some of her Oprah's Lifeclass on Sunday, I am working to dare greatly and identify shame in my life.  

One of the lessons from Dr. Brene Brown is that shame cannot survive being spoken.  If I had told no one then I would have turned that into a shame spiral for myself.  It would have gone from me calling myself stupid for wearing a dress in the first place to body shame to the effect of no one noticed because no one would want to look at your fat ass.  See shame is an ugly thing but rather than sink into the hole of shame, I did what Dr. Brown said and I reached out.  I called my husband and told him.  He made me see the funny side of it.  Then I sent a message to my girls from Red Shoe P&*%.  No one told me I was fat or ugly or how awful or how they would have died on the spot.  Everyone helped me see the funny aspect and the great opportunity for selling underwear and the punk lifestyle I had created for myself.  

Yes it was embarrassing.  It still is embarrassing.  There is no telling what you will think or how you will want to shame me but I hope this helps someone else reach out too.  It is amazing how many people have had experiences similar to those we go through and they wish they had someone to talk to too.  There is an old saying that says there is nothing new under the sun.  If that is true then someone else on this planet is or has gone through something similar to us and we all want to be able to connect and share with someone.  There is no reason to carry shame with us.  Share your story.  

AD TIME:
I was wearing this set which is available at Golden Pear or your local Parfait by Affinitas store. (Hey why not sell some set for my girl at Golden Pear :) )

Bitter pill of never enough

One of my defining characteristics is that I'm a very driven person.  If I put my mind to it I will do it.  This is a good and bad thing.  I am lucky to be able to focus not on things but usually on improving myself.  I know some people are driven to get stuff but stuff is not a big factor for me.  I usually put my energy into education, career, marriage, friends, or my child.  I don't let things or people stand in the way of something I want.

So why the drive?  Why do I have to work so hard?  The answer is pretty easy.  I think most people who are driven come from a place of fear.  Fear of not having enough money, enough food, enough love.  Not a need for more just a fear of not enough.  At least that is my drive.  I don't want more money.  I am happy being poor but I am afraid of not being able to choose this as my life.  I hate the idea of living by default.  Maybe the root fear is actually control.  I hate to be out of control too.  I know control is a total figment of my imagination.  I know I control nothing.  I think I am sitting safely at my desk but the roof could cave in and kill so so much for control, right.

The idea of enough has been really present in my mind since reading Daring Greatly from Brene Brown.  I can so easily see in my life were I feel like I am not enough and that is from childhood.  I have never felt enough for anything.  I'm not Mexican enough, or American enough.  I'm not skinny enough for the normal girl clothes section or fat enough for the big girls section.  I'm smart but not I'm always just behind in getting a concept down or being able to express my thoughts fully.  I just told Dh the other day, I'm pretty but not pretty enough to make anyone want to risk actually hitting on me.  At the same time I'm not ugly enough for anyone to really notice me either.  I feel like I live in the gray space of invisibility.

I think most of that is a comfort thing.  I don't want to really be noticed because then I would have a responsibility. I want to be able to operate at my own place and in my own space.  I want to set a goal and achieve it; earn a masters, run a 10k, get some research published.  I think I lost my point but anyways, I am driven.  Driven by fear mostly but it works for me so onward I march.  Maybe someday I'll feel like I'm enough at something, hell maybe the best at something till then I gotta work.

Learning that I am worthy

So my struggle to feel worthy of love, respect, anything, is nothing new to anyone who has read my blog with any frequency. In the last few weeks I have found a new avenue for trying to feel worthy. It happened quite by accident and I have TV to blame for it.

The story as follows:
I woke up early one Sunday morning about fours weeks ago and discovered both DD and DH were still asleep. Sunday is my sleep in day so DD usually wakes me up. I was annoyed to be up early on a Sunday but grateful for the "me" time. I've become a fan of the Travel Channel as of late and I turned to find a show I had seen several times before. I don't really like rewatching shows and I settled in for some channel surfing. Why I turned to OWN first I have no clue but I'm glad I did.

On the screen was Oprah speaking to Dr. Brene Brown. The familiar Texas accent kept me from changing the channel immediately. As I watched I began hear real words of wisdom. It wasn't someone who was enlightened and above me trying to tell me about how I should live my life but a down to earth struggling human just like me.

Now I don't do self help books or follow gurus but after Brene's Super Soul Sunday appearance, I have to admit I'm hooked. If you are not familiar with Brene's work, I highly recommend looking up her TED talk. (Actually I linked it at the bottom of this post.). She is a shame researcher. Normally that would have made me run but on that day I listened. Hearing the universal nature of shame and how to move past it so as to learn to feel worthy just spoke to my soul. I checked out Brene's book, Daring Greatly, from the library and devoured it. I am read pretty slowly and between doctoral work assignment all I really want to do is hang with my family but I just could not put the book down.

Who doesn't want to feel worthy? Who doesn't deal with shame on some level? Who would not want to do everything in their power to make sure their child never questions their own worth? So I read. I've seen Brene's TED talks and OWN appearances and I just bought her book The Gifts of Imperfection. I am moving forward to feeling and living like I am worthy and I am enough because I am worthy and I am enough. What I really like about Brene Brown is that she admits she struggles with all of the worthy and shame issues too. As I move forward I know that at the least I know one other person is also struggling on this path, of course Brene's point is we are not alone.

Anyways, at this point I have DH and most of the coffee crew reading Daring Greatly. We are doing a pseudo-reading group. It is amazing feeling like I can talk about shameful things and know that I was never alone in dealing with those things, I was just afraid to be judged for those things.

I highly recommend you look up Dr. Brene Brown. At this point in my life, Brene Brown was the voice I needed to hear. I am vulnerable and my shame in feeling vulnerable has been holding me from really living my life. As part of my doctoral program, we are working towards critical self-reflection. Do you know how vulnerable and naked it feels when talking about your grammar mistakes in front of a group of doctoral students? Or being the ex-teacher who thinks public education is bullshit in a room full of current teachers and principals? It is not a good feeling but I am surviving and I think I am learning that standing out and up for what I believe is actually a good thing. I have no reason to hide me because it am worthy of respect and of my feelings and if I can stand up and dare greatly in sharing my opinions then I might just open another persons eyes to the wonders of unschooling. I know I am totally losing my point with my rambling.

So to conclude go and read some Brene Brown.