Wordless Wednesday: Wedding Day

Just a few pics from The Groom and Lady's wedding. They are in the last picture.

Never dream big enough

Yesterday was the Groom's wedding. We had many trials and tribulations watching the Groom's face as he caught sight of his lady walking down the aisle made it all worth it. The joy and absolute happiness on his face really did make it worth the trip.

Without talking too much about the past, I will say that yesterday was the best I had ever seen the Groom look. When I first met him 9 years ago, he was so fragile looking. Yesterday, I saw a man who was happy and healthy and ready for a life full of anything that can be thrown at him. Truly the Lady has been good for him. They make each other shine.

There were several times that I fought back tears. The Groom's vows made me and most of the crowd cry. The blending of sand to symbolize the blending of the family was also a tear jerker. I saw several people crying during the first dance. The moment that got to me and I mean I was crying hard was watching the Groom dance with his youngest "step"-daughter. I was struck by the sweetness and joy of that moment. I was also struck by the thought that I had dreamed too small for the Groom. In my prayers, I prayed for God to put the right woman in the Grooms path. I remember saying God please send this man a wife. He is such great guy and he deserves to be happy. When Briana and I would talk about the Groom we always talked about how he needed a good wife. We focused on a wife for him. I think DH said it best, " What God sent him was a life.".

I wish you could see the Groom's changes. I wish there was a play the pictures of transition from my head. He was always a great guy. Really the type of friend that you wish every friend would be. Maybe that was really the problem, he was so busy caring for everybody else that he let himself slip through the cracks. Yesterday I saw a man who knew what to do to make himself happy. He grabbed his life, his future, and his happiness.

I am not sure when I'll see them again. I am not sure we'll ever make this trip again. I know that this ends the Danville chapter. I got here 9 years ago kicking and screaming and fought to leave until we finally moved back to Texas. I never dreamed of all of the things I got from the Danville adventure. I never dream big enough. I always want the minimum and yet God always provides to the maximum. Yesterday the Groom taught me that the surface isn't enough. We deserve the whole fullness of life. I asked for the Groom to get a Wife but God knew better and sent him a life.

So tried of crying

In case you haven't noticed I spend a lot of time talking about my feelings. In 6 days we'll be in Virginia for a very special wedding and the timing of the wedding is exactly 2 years from the day we left Southside Virginia. So I am feeling all kinds of emotions. Not too long ago I blogged about the significance this wedding and the special place that the Groom has in my heart so not going over it again. But last night I was sitting at Standpipe and it occurred to me that in 7 days I would be celebrating the wedding in VA. Then you guessed it I started crying. God I hate to cry in public!

DH asked me why I keep crying. A good question and something to think about it. On the way home it occurred to me why I keep crying. I feel guilty. The last time I saw Briana, I hugged her and wished her luck on the final month of her pregnancy and that I couldn't wait to meet Baby J next summer. I didn't know we would never see each other again. I never got to thank her for all of the love and friendship and kindness. I didn't say those things because I felt guilty for leaving and moving back to Texas.

In the months before we moved, Briana and I had talked about why DH and I had decided to moved back. One of the big reasons was we wanted family near by. I remember saying that having Ravebaby had taught us just how alone we were and how you can't count on your friends to drop everything for you like you can family. If you have an emergency you have to hope a friend can help but with family you know you have someone. I remember her saying she was nervous about not having family around. She said that she had been thinking of moving back closer to family too. I remember saying that if I were staying then I knew she would at least have me and I knew that I could always count on her. I said that was the hard part leaving at the time she would need me most. She assured me her mom would be down and everything would be okay. How could we know? How could either of us think that we could give such assurances?

So that's why I keep crying. I cry for the guilt that kept me from thanking her. I cry for the guilt surviving giving birth when she didn't. I cry because I lost my rose colored view of the world when Briana died in childbirth. I learned that very bad things happen to good people.

I try to be grateful for everyday I have. I know nothing is promised and nothing is owed to me. I know that my tears solve nothing. I know that my guilt is a waste of energy and emotion. No matter how much I cry, how much I pray or how guilty I feel Briana is gone. Nothing changes the events of July 28, 2010. I still wake up hopeful and ready to get calls about the arrival of Baby J and instead I get calls of sadness telling Briana didn't make it and Baby J is touch and go. Nothing changes. Life must move forward. Baby J will be two and it will make two years since Briana died. I'm going to stop crying and I'm going to let the guilt go. Nothing can take me back to June 29,2010 and let me say what I need to. Even if I could nothing would change.

June 30th, I'm going to hug the groom and congratulate him and I know Briana is going to be there looking down and enjoying the scene. She would have been so excited for the groom. So life goes on. We grow, we learn, we mourn and we celebrate. Saturday we dance and cry tears of joy. The Groom marries his lady. Everything is as it should be.

Finishing the last VA project

In 20 days were going to Virginia to be at the wedding of two really good friends. It will be exactly 2 years to the day we left Danville, VA. I've been really looking forward to the trip. I've also been avoiding my thoughts of my friend Briana. Next month will be the two year anniversary of her death in childbirth. I've been thinking a lot about her lately, especially when I run. As I've written before, Briana's death has been very difficult for me to deal with and going back to VA and knowing I won't see her is almost more than I can handle.

The groom is actually a good friend and co-worker of Briana and me. I remember having long conversations with her about trying to find the groom a wife. I know she would have been sitting beside me being that the groom was finally getting married to the perfect woman. I know there will be other coworkers from our old school there for the wedding and I know we're going to be feeling the hole her death left.

I was talking with DH about it today and he said that this wedding the end of our Danville life. It was the last project we had to finish and then we could close that chapter. The groom's wedding has been a long journey in faith for all of us. Faith that God has in the right place at the right time. We never wanted to live in Danville. We moved there with the plan to leave ASAP. 8 years later our Danville adventure was over. I know the only reason the groom met his lady was because I found her. As soon as I met the Lady, I said to myself she's perfect for the Groom! 2 years later I finally got them to meet up and the rest is history.

DH is right; this wedding is the last thing. I have a goddaughter and lots of friends in Southside Virginia but this was my last reason to go back. Ravebaby is from Danville and I'm sure we'll go back again to show her her hometown. This trip feels final. A final goodbye to that chapter of my life. A finally goodbye to Briana. A final goodbye to the girl that I was and a final acceptance of the woman I am.