Sunday, June 24, 2012

So tried of crying

In case you haven't noticed I spend a lot of time talking about my feelings. In 6 days we'll be in Virginia for a very special wedding and the timing of the wedding is exactly 2 years from the day we left Southside Virginia. So I am feeling all kinds of emotions. Not too long ago I blogged about the significance this wedding and the special place that the Groom has in my heart so not going over it again. But last night I was sitting at Standpipe and it occurred to me that in 7 days I would be celebrating the wedding in VA. Then you guessed it I started crying. God I hate to cry in public!

DH asked me why I keep crying. A good question and something to think about it. On the way home it occurred to me why I keep crying. I feel guilty. The last time I saw Briana, I hugged her and wished her luck on the final month of her pregnancy and that I couldn't wait to meet Baby J next summer. I didn't know we would never see each other again. I never got to thank her for all of the love and friendship and kindness. I didn't say those things because I felt guilty for leaving and moving back to Texas.

In the months before we moved, Briana and I had talked about why DH and I had decided to moved back. One of the big reasons was we wanted family near by. I remember saying that having Ravebaby had taught us just how alone we were and how you can't count on your friends to drop everything for you like you can family. If you have an emergency you have to hope a friend can help but with family you know you have someone. I remember her saying she was nervous about not having family around. She said that she had been thinking of moving back closer to family too. I remember saying that if I were staying then I knew she would at least have me and I knew that I could always count on her. I said that was the hard part leaving at the time she would need me most. She assured me her mom would be down and everything would be okay. How could we know? How could either of us think that we could give such assurances?

So that's why I keep crying. I cry for the guilt that kept me from thanking her. I cry for the guilt surviving giving birth when she didn't. I cry because I lost my rose colored view of the world when Briana died in childbirth. I learned that very bad things happen to good people.

I try to be grateful for everyday I have. I know nothing is promised and nothing is owed to me. I know that my tears solve nothing. I know that my guilt is a waste of energy and emotion. No matter how much I cry, how much I pray or how guilty I feel Briana is gone. Nothing changes the events of July 28, 2010. I still wake up hopeful and ready to get calls about the arrival of Baby J and instead I get calls of sadness telling Briana didn't make it and Baby J is touch and go. Nothing changes. Life must move forward. Baby J will be two and it will make two years since Briana died. I'm going to stop crying and I'm going to let the guilt go. Nothing can take me back to June 29,2010 and let me say what I need to. Even if I could nothing would change.

June 30th, I'm going to hug the groom and congratulate him and I know Briana is going to be there looking down and enjoying the scene. She would have been so excited for the groom. So life goes on. We grow, we learn, we mourn and we celebrate. Saturday we dance and cry tears of joy. The Groom marries his lady. Everything is as it should be.