Miscarriage and Assigned Soul

October is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Month.  I've written in a past blog post about losing a pregnancy about 2 years after Gymgirl was born.  If you do the math, there are almost exactly 7 years between my girls.  That was not my plan but that is what happened.  I love my rainbow baby, Baby Lala, but I still think about the one lost between.  To say I spent 9 months terrified I was going to lose the pregnancy is an understatement. 

We have been watching Bones.  DH got GymGirl and I into it.  There was an episode with Cyndi Lauper as a psychic and she was helping a soul cross over.  In that episode, she mentioned to the soul, who was a young teen, all about the life he would have had including 2 children that will now have to find a new way here.  I asked DH if he thought that was the way it worked.  Do we get assigned our best life and then between free will and life itself it turns into other things?  He said yep something like that.  "Then what about the soul we lost?  Was it Lala or someone else? Will he find a new way here?"

Is that the way it works?  Was I tasked with bringing a certain number of souls across and failed at some point?  See the loss is great and doesn't go away.  So much potential, life changing, world saving energy just gone?  If energy isn't created or destroyed then that soul is still around and will find a new way here. 

I'm sure how souls work.  I just know I still the loss.  I have a couple of friends who in recent month have dealt with pregnancy loss.  They have been super open and honest on Facebook about it.  I'm so proud of then.  When I had my miscarriage, we didn't tell anyone for months and only because I had written the blog post.  There was so much shame, like I was a failure as a woman.  I know that wasn't and isn't true.  Only God knows the master plan and I'll just be patient and have faith. 

TMI Thursday: ghost babies

Just so you know this post will involve talking about my period. If you do not want to know even more about my flow, uterus, and sex life then come back on Friday this post is not for you.

Okay girls and creepy guys, so honestly honestly I think I just had an early miscarriage. This would be my third one. My first was when I first got married then when we first started trying for a baby back 6 years ago. So what the hell am I talking about. I just read a blog post validating early pregnancy and miscarriages. These are pregnancies that a pee test might not get. They are pregnancies that you know but seem to end before you can officially find out. No one but you and maybe your partner know about it. I call it a ghost baby. You can feel him/her but you'll never be able to prove it.

So why do I think I had a ghost baby? Before my period started, I felt different. I was just about to take a pregnancy test actually. Then my period started on time. I was a bit confused. I could have sworn I was pregnant. I was exhausted. My sense of smell was beyond on target. My boobs were swelling. I felt a spirit with me. Since I started on time I thought maybe I was just wrong. My period has been very heavy this time around. Day 3 was hellish, my day 3 is normally pretty chill this is almost over kinda day. I was so bloody for a minute I thought I was hemorrhaging. I actually took a nap I was so tired. Today is day 4. Tradition this is my last day. I was still bleeding pretty heavily this morning. I am tossing clots left and right. (See TMI, aren't you glad I warned you.) it was a ghost baby.

I was talking to DH about it earlier. I don't feel bad. The first ghost baby, I was so mainstream that I barely knew anything had happened. It is only now looking back that I recognize what happened. My second ghost baby really hurt. When we were trying for a baby having that baby taken away just crushed both of us. I think DH is right about this time around, we know God's timing is always right so if it is not time for this baby then the timing is not right. I guess I've grown up a little.

I want another baby. Ravebaby is 3 and I was hoping to have another baby by now. So feeling like I've lost a baby does shake me. What if I can't have any more children? Doubt enters my mind. Maybe I am not worthy? I know when the time is right it will happen. I will trust in The Lord and in my intuition. I was pregnant. I had a miscarriage. We are in uterus reset mode (also know as my period). We will keep trying. My body can do this. He/she will try to come earth side some other time. I have faith.