The day Mac and Cheese almost derailed my life

So maybe not so dramatically but it felt like it.

Last week I walked in to find Ravebaby enjoying the mess out of a cup of microwaved Kraft Mac&Cheese.  I think for many parents this would have been a cute sight.  A wonderful picture opportunity to share on Facebook.  A cute yellow covered face with a huge smile and the perfectly place cup in that beautiful little hand.  For me, my blood ran cold and I went into panic mode.  Yes my beautiful wheat-allergic daughter had just consumed a huge amount of wheat! 

I know I was showing my panic.  My mother and father, who had been watching Ravebaby at the time, were freaking out.  Ravebaby started to freak out and yell at her grandmother for giving her wheat.  I had to take a deep breath and start calming down at least outwardly.  I was honestly freaking out.  First few thoughts, is she breathing okay?  Should I take her to the ER?  Do I call DH?  What do I do now?  Why didn't I throw that stupid cup of mac and cheese away a long time ago?

Once I could think again, I got Ravebaby her allergy meds and called DH because I needed to hear from someone that I had done the right thing.  Ravebaby was fine.  I think we were more freaked out than hurt initially.  The first day there wasn't any real reaction.  Maybe she had outgrown the allergy?  Could it be?  Was my daughter ready to join the ranks of the "normal" kids?  Yes, I love her just the way she is but I'm a mom and "normal" would still be nice. 

Anyways, the hope gives way to night terrors!  A big huge fuck you and your hope too to me.  It has been a week since the mac and cheese and she has been sleep walking and waking up at least five times a night.  Her attitude stinks; mostly due to lack of good sleep, I think.  So far outside of losing sleep, nothing else has really reacted.  No horrible skin break outs.  No sickness.  She has living on gas medicine but otherwise pretty good overall. 

I know plenty of wheatfree mamas out there have guilt and stories similar to mine.  I'm sharing so you know you are not alone.  I watch what Ravebaby eats but I'm not with her 24/7 and she is getting older and pulling food for herself.  She is going to eat wheat.  She has done it before and she'll do it again.  All I can do is take a deep breath and be ready to give her her allergy meds and gas meds and lose sleep.  I'm so lucky it is not worse.  I don't know what I would do if this ever turned deadly.  So far so good.  No point in worrying about a bridge before I get to it, right?

Mourning Normalcy for Ravebaby

Okay, so I don't always talk about my wheatfree life as much as I should but today someone on my facebook posted about the frustrations on living dairy-free and feeling alone in the frustration especially when it comes to telling their child no when they want something.  So here goes . . .

Dear Parents of a child with allergies:
I know you are wondering what you did wrong?  Did you eat the wrong thing during pregnancy?  Why would your child be punished like this?  They can't eat X and everyone else around them can.  It is so unfair.

You are right.  It is totally unfair and in most cases there is nothing you could have done differently and outside of this one huge inconvenience (reading every damn label in the world before buying/eating/using) your child is great and really you won't trade them for anything. 

So you have every parent (of a child with an allergy) in the world's permission to mourn your loss of normalcy.  Cry it out.  Scream it out.  Do it now.  Then understand you will want to do it again and again for the rest of your life.  You might want to cry when you realize your child will never have the First Communion you had always envisioned, just the blood no host 'cause of the wheat.  You will have to say no when every around is buying from the ice cream man since he doesn't have anything diary-free.  You will feel low and judged when you say no to a cookie.  People will look at you like you have killed Mickey Mouse but they don't know that that cookie will cause your child hours of agony later. 

You may mourn.  You may cry.  You will survive and after all of your work and your careful choices you will have a teenage who eats everything they are allergic to because it won't kill them just make them hurt.  Hey, they are they ones who have to make friends.  You will feel like your efforts have been useless but YOU KEPT THEM ALIVE. You kept a simple rashy allergy from turning into a deadly one so you go with your bad self!

I cry.  Sometimes I see my archnemisis give his child, Ravebaby's best friend, a cookie, right in front of Ravebaby and I want to cry and scream about how unfair it is.  It is not anyone fault.  It is not a bad thing.  I live a wheatless life and I'm good with it most days.  I hate telling Ravebaby no.  I hate seeing that look of "I want that" and her feeling defeated.  I want my child to be normal. I want to give her that damn cheap ass nasty cookie so that she won't feel different.  I want to give it to her so I won't feel different.  We're different.  That is life.  It is not fair.  I allow myself a moment to cry and mourn and then I move on. 

So please don't feel alone.  Please know we all do it.  No matter how cool we are with the X-free life we lead, we all have times we mourn the loss of that X.  Go ahead cry.  Go ahead morn.  Believe it or not, you are just being normal :)

Signed,
Wheatless Mama, mom of one, wheatless for 3 years +

The list that changed it all

I was cleaning a bit yesterday and I came across DH's allergy report from 2003. So many emotions rushed over me. I know it's time to redo the tests; some of DH's allergies seem to have gotten worse while others better.

The overwhelming feeling was actually one of gratitude. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I truly shutter to think what would have happened to Ravebaby if we hadn't have known about DH's wheat allergy. The mind, body, and food connection is one I can now see so clearly. That my child goes from healthy running everywhere toddler to sickly fussy baby when she or I have wheat. It is not just a sick kid, her attitude changes. She's a great kid with tantrums few and far between unless she has wheat then she melts down at every little thing. Even DH seems more clear headed and sharp when he stays off the wheat and other allergens.

I watch my child and I wonder how many bad kids are just in pain from an untreated allergy. Since going totally wheat free DH can wear polyester. Growing up he could never wear it without breaking out. Maybe the breakouts where wheat related? If Ravebaby has been allergic to wheat since conception then maybe DH has too. Maybe all of his health problems as a child were actually major allergy reactions. The human body is a hard working vessel but it can only handle so much. One month of wheat exposure put Ravebaby in the hospital for 3 days. The official diagnoses was UTI but I know my baby never even had a cold before we let wheat back into our diets. We kicked wheat back out and have lived happily ever after.

I am not saying that everyone has a food allergy. I am not advocating everyone go wheat free. I am saying that talking to, reading about, and living with people with food allergies that those forever runny noses and/or never clearing rashes seem to have an underlaying cause and that maybe an allergy could be it. Even the best of the allergy eliminating moms can have an allergen slip in to the diet when running around. Ravebaby and DH have both had allergy attacks from thing that should be wheat free, like a milkshake. Don't be afraid to ask what is in something. Don't be afraid to demand and answer. You have the right to know.

I've read articles and blog pieces from parents who only wish they had the chance to ask. "It was just a mild allergy so we never asked what was in the food and now my child is dead. All we had to do was ask." A mild allergy can turn fatal and even mild exposures can start a chain reaction. I hate asking. I am so shy. My child needs me to be brave. My shyness does not give me the right to torture my child. Too many nights have I just assumed the food was okay and then watched her scream in pain all night.

I use to think eastern medicine was bunch of hooey. I totally see it now. We are what we eat. In America we have no clue what we are eating. It looks like a hamburger and taste like one so it must be one for $0.99. Then we wonder why feel sick all of the time. The .99 hamburger has little beef and wheat and lots of wonderful labs worthy ingredients. So I am going to work more towards cleaning our diets. More towards eating whole natural foods. I've complained about the cost in the past but really which cost more the organic apple or the three night hospital stay? We'll see how we do with trying to eat better. I see a lot more label reading and cooking in my future.

Wordless Wednesday:Rash Watch 2012

I've had a beautiful rash for 6 days. Here are pictures.

Mama failure

I sent an ugly tweet into the public sphere about Jailbait teasing Ravebaby with a cookie. I called him a jackass and I was wrong to do it. But after a bit I started thinking about why it bothered me so much. Ravebaby sees people eating yummy looking wheat filled things all of the time. So why did this bother me?

Honestly just the day before DH and I had a serious discussion about Ravebaby's skin reactions. Seems like this nasal allergy season has made the food allergy go into overdrive. I hate giving Ravebaby medications. I want her on nothing. We had stopped giving her her allergy med over the winter and it seemed she was doing well. We aren't totally wheat free but the amounts of wheat are tiny. Her skin was clear and no itches. Now her elbows and stomach are covered. We give her the maximum amount Zyrtec that she can have. I treat the spots with Angel Baby Bottom Balm from Earth Mama Angel Baby. We keep it pretty controlled with just that. So far we haven't had to use the steroid cream and I'm trying to avoid it. I just don't want to overload her system. But I'm beginning to think it's time to change our approach. Her skin is not getting better.

Ravebaby keeps saying that she is eating bad cookie; my dad loves cookies and he's not wheat free, we call them the bad cookies. DH thinks that she might be telling us the truth. We can't control everything she eats since we are not with her 100% of the time. I know he is right. I know my parents aren't going wheat free anytime soon so the mixed house is here to stay.

Her skin is making me feel like a failure. On top of that is my inability to get Ravebaby to take a nap. She will got up to my mom and say Nap time! She'll settle right down and nap. What is the problem with me? Why can't I get her to sleep? Even bedtime is starting to become a problem. She has always gone to bed late. Typically she has a 10:00 pm bedtime, that is when the routine starts. She will usually fall asleep around 11:30 pm. That is so late! I really struggle to stay up long enough to see her go to sleep. I've tried to start the routine earlier but we just start earlier and go to sleep at 11:30. I'm lost. I'm a failure at being a mom. That is all.