Song Response: The Way It Was by The Killers

I'm starting a new blogging thing were I write up my response to a song that made me stop and think.

If you didn't know I love The Killers and my Spotify is chalk full of them.  When I first heard The Way It Was, I thought it was a sweet ode to a love lost due to growing up and growing apart.  How many times have I wished that DH and I could just go back to the way things were when life and love was easy, i. e. before marriage and growing up got in the way.  In the time since I first heard the song several of my friends marriages have split or hit on a rough patch.  Marriage is hard and we all struggle at some point or another but anyways I stopped and really thought about what was being said and I got angry and here is why.

1. This is someone being a totally immature asshole!  Just go back to the way it was.  You only want to stay with me if I promise to go back to the way it was.  Dude you go back and then you end up right here again!  You are not trying to solve the problem just hide it.  In the words of Thomas Wolfe, "You can't go home again!"

2. The love you remember wasn't real.  We all look back and see just the good sides of thing especially when we are hurting.  If only this had not happened or if only we could just forget and go back to the beginning.  The song speaks about "did you forget all about those golden nights?" and really don't we all remember the golden nights of courting and falling in love but if you want to survive and have a lasting relationship you have to move past just falling in love.  Staying in love is work.  It is not easy!  Stop whining and start working!

3. Is it really over or are you just tried of working at it?  I think this is the one aspect that bothers me most of all.  Brandon Flowers sings, "Back then this thing was running on momentum, love and trust, That paradise is buried in the dust."  So you don't love me anymore?  You don't trust me anymore?  You think we are standing still?  I love that it is all my fault!  I'm growing up and moving forward and you want to reverse all of that work so you can feel good about the fact you refuse to grow up!  Maybe we have an issue with trust but if you don't want to work on it then there is nothing to go back to 'cause it all leads back here.

Don't get me wrong people.  I love this song but it is because Brandon Flowers' voice is amazing.  I was listening to the song on the way in to work today and I started crying because it makes it all seem so easy.  Just go back.  Just rewind and we'll be okay.  That is simply just not the way it works.  If you go back without working on it then you end up right were you are again. 

Not too long ago I told DH, after listening to this song, I love him and when I see him I see the 16-year-old boy I fell in love with but I don't want to be married to that kid.  I love the man I'm married too.  The one that has allowed me to grow and turn into this better person. It is easy to think that if we could just go back then the work would go away but why travel the same road twice?  Don't wish away the person you have now for the one in your memory.  I assure you that person never existed in that way.  Work or don't work but don't think going back is the easy solution. 

 

 

The Way It Way - cira 1998

Sober

DH has been sober for 3 years, which means he is an alcoholic.  My husband, the man I met in 10th grade health class, is a drunk, a wino, a alcoholic.  Honestly it pains me to say it.  It hurts every time I think about it.  My dad is also an alcoholic.  I think that is why it was so natural for me to not see it with DH.  I don't think I really know what a healthy relationship with alcohol is suppose to look like. 

DH never drank in high school.  He too is from a family of people with alcohol issues.  He like most kids started in college.  Me, I never wanted to really drink.  I was too afraid I would become an alcoholic.  I never realized how much DH was drinking in college.  When we would spend weekends together, he didn't drink.  Since I didn't drink, he didn't.  In college most of my friends were from families of alcoholics so drinking was not something we did.  I guess we figured we should just avoid it so that we could avoid becoming what we had grown up with.

When we got married I had only had one too many once.  Since marrying DH over 11 years ago, I know my count of nights of one too many hoovers around 10.  How can I let him drink alone?  In my mind I was sharing with my husband not enabling an alcoholic.  DH taught me to drink.  Wine tastings, beer tastings, flights of various liquors and yet alcohol has never been a problem for me.  I can take it or leave it.  Even in all of that I never saw the problem for him.  He slowly began to tell me about the drinking in college.  He made sure that I know that he was an alcoholic from the start of our marriage but I never saw a problem with him drinking because that is what my dad does.  My dad knows alcohol can be a problem for him but he knows his limits and drinks on occasion so I didn't know that DH was struggling.  I don't know what a healthy relationship with alcohol looks like.

So when Ravebaby was born and DH poured out all of the liquor in the house and finally told me once and for all that was it, he was sober and no more alcohol, then I saw what I had been missing.  My brain finally turned on and saw it for what it was, a problem.  I am not mad at DH.  I proud of him for seeing the problem and talking about the problem and making me see the problem.  I am mad at me for being blind to it.  I am scared that it will happen again.  I am worried I am going to miss it and it is going to be too late for help. 

See, my marriage has three people in it.  Me, DH, and DH's other main squeeze, Alcohol.  She is always there.  Sometimes I feel like she is in between us.  I don't mind her.  I don't mind seeing her.  Actually my problem is when I forget she's there.  When I relax and take a deep breath and then I get smacked in the face when DH says, "I have been itching for a drink."  Slam, how could I forget?

Watching Nashville last night and seeing Deacon, the country singing alcoholic, fall off the wagon felt too real.  I begged Deacon not to drink.  Tears poured out of me as he drank.  I screamed at the tv when he asked for another.  I got mad when he skipped the meeting to get drunk.  I felt like I was watching my future.  I know it is a TV show.  I know Deacon isn't real except he is. 

This isn't pre-Ravebaby days.  There is a lot on the line now.  DH tells me that he got sober for himself.  He tells me that Ravebaby and I are what help him stay sober.  He knows what is at stake.  I am still afraid I am going to miss it.  I am afraid I am going to be blind to it.  I trust DH.  I know DH but I am still afraid.  Three years sober is nothing in the grand scheme of things.  I know people fall off the wagon all the time.  I know you can fall and pick yourself up again.  I just can't control any of it and so I am mad about it. 

Total Package

DH is the total package. One thing that has become clear over the last couple of weeks is no one wants to seen as replaceable. If I am only smart then I can be replaced with another smart person. If I am just pretty, there is always another pretty face. If I am the total package, if am I everything that is needed then I am much harder if not impossible to replace.

So DH is the total package. He is irreplaceable to me. There is no one else in this world who can be to me what he is to me. I could find another husband but they would live under DH's shadow. I could try but I would never succeed in finding a replacement. DH is the total package.

I know that that was part of my struggle. When I felt that I was only smart when that was seemingly taken away or tossed aside, I suddenly felt replaceable. I think Archnemesis was right, the important mission of the Hidden Village is to make sure each member knows he/she matters. We are not replaceable. At any giving job, task, relationship, we are or can be replaced. In the Village, no one else can be me. There is only one Martha, aka Wheatless Mama, and I matter.

So I am the total package and DH is my total package. Someday someone will find that Ravebaby is his/her total package. Even if that day never comes, she matters. You who ever you are you matter. If I know you, if we have never met, if all you have ever done is accidentally come across my blog, you matter. Our paths crossed and we are both a little different because of it. DH says each and every interaction marks us and makes a little different if we let it. I know I have strayed from my point, as usual, but the end point is you matter.

50's mindset

I am a strong believer in being open with DH about any interactions I have with any man. He has all of my passwords, open access to my Facebook, twitter, and texts on my phone. Why? Well I was raised that my husband should be the only man with whom I have any level of intimacy. If I have a friendship with a man outside of DH and there is any part that is not completely open then I am fostering a relationship outside of my marriage and that makes me a cheater. DH should be my sole source of male companionship.

I have had guy friends outside of DH but they have never been anything that meant being allow with the dude or private conversations. The only exception to that is The Groom. We were really good friends. We rode to conferences together just the two of us and even hung out at my house without DH there. To some extent The Groom was more of a big brother. The night I was alone with The Groom at my house, DH had basically asked him to hang out with me while he went to fight for a Wii. DH trusted The Groom to keep me safe at a Hootie and the Blowfish concert. I did and do see The Groom as a big brother. However, we never talk on the phone, text or anything like that.

An incident that DH always brings up is the time Discgolfer sat with me at church. I was at the Sunday Spanish mass and Discgolfer did not speak much Spanish and just wanted to have someone to sit with so he came and sat with me. Well I am Mexican. This was a mass full of Mexicans. DH rarely goes to church with me so if a man were to sit with me at mass, the view is he must be my husband, right? Well I came home and told DH about the whole thing and about how it weirded me out and now everyone was going to think Discgolfer was my husband or that I was at church with my lover. Any number of things were just wrong with the whole thing. DH said I was nuts. He is a friend that did not want to sit by himself so he sat with me; end of story.

So you see the crazy 50s idea that I have. Even now Rockerwife and I talk it over all the time, we don't have relationships with men outside of our husbands. It just feels wrong. If we communicate with a man not our husband we immediately go and tell our husbands. We are overly open with any aspect of a relationship outside of our husbands. So I know it is not just me.

DH is calling bullshit and is forcing me out of this mode of thinking. I am under orders to text Archnemesis once a day. One because apparently Archnemesis thinks I hate him and two DH wants me to see that there is nothing wrong with a friendship with a man outside of my husband and that a relationship with a bit of emotional intimacy is actually a good thing. Honestly I am not buying it. I will send the texts since DH is asking me. I don't really understand what I can gain from a friendship with a man that I don't already have with say Rockerwife or Cameragirl?

We've all seen When Harry met Sally. Men and women cannot be friends without eventually having sex, right? My best guy friend was DH, I married him and we have lots of sex. Am I asking for trouble here? DH knows that I purposefully keep male friends at arms length but I go back to Harry and Sally. If I am sharing everything with this person, am I leaving it open to sharing EVERYTHING? I guess the really test is if I start to keep texts secret or have meeting with said man outside of DH's knowledge. I am not the sort of person who goes looking for trouble and while I understand DH's point, making connections is never a bad thing, I can't help but to slip back into the thought that men and women can not be friends without something sexual between them.

I will say that in DH's wisdom, I have been assigned to try this with Archnemesis, who is married to a lady that is fantastic. I mean if you read the blog about my "sexual fantasy" with him, you can tell there is zero chemistry there. So you can't go heating up an ice block and expect a fire. I mean he could have assigned me someone single and therefore open to moving into the realm of sexual. We'll see how is goes.

DH is a firm believer that all connections matter so he wants me to have connections with everyone. In his mind, I am sure, if I keep certain people at bay then I am closing myself off from everyone. If I am closed off to friendships with guys then maybe I am also closed off in part to him. If I am to be open then I need to be open. Yet for some reason, this brings to mind and image of Billy Crystal in bed with Meg Ryan. How open can we be with the opposite sex? If you are hurting and I know that sex would make you feel better, if only for a moment, would it make me a bad friend not to help? Recently on Nashville, we see exactly that. Oh no your brother is dead. You feel bad. I'll fuck you and you can forget and feel better if only for the moment you are inside of my vagina. She is being a good friend, right? I don't want to be that good a friend with anyone.

Maybe I am just a pervert. Maybe I am too old-fashion. Maybe I am just closed off. I don't want to be closed off. I want to be open but I am not sure I want to be emotionally available. I'll try it. I might like it. Maybe this will lead to a whole new level of relationship with DH. One thing I do know, it will make for great blogpost!

No one to dance with

So this has nothing to do with dancing and everything to do with my crazy. You have been warned, read at your own risk, yep, I make very little sense.

Okay so the heart of the matter is a lack of self confidence. I don't think I am very attractive. I don't take complements well. I feel like an old fat ugly cow.

According to DH, I am simply nuts, unobservant, and my biggest problem, I am a woman. DH says that all women question whether or not they are attractive or sexy. I'm not sure what goes on in other women's heads, I just know mine and I spend a majority of the day thinking I look awful.

So like all good scientist, DH asked for my proof that I provided the following:

1. No one outside of DH complements me
DH's Rebuttal- men are too afraid of him to even think of saying anything and I am scary with a mean disposition

2. No one jokingly talks about me
DH's Rebuttal - people are afraid of me, when I joke I cut too deep, people are again afraid of him

3. I never catch anyone starring
DH's Rebuttal - I just have no clue what to look for and people are afraid of DH, something about making eye contact with him and the threat of having their eyes removed

So I think the real problem is DH. J/K I love him with everything I have and if never get a complement from another person then I might keep questioning my sexy but I know that DH always sees it.

So exploring the crazy a bit more. Is my issue really a question of feeling like I am stuck with DH? I choose DH and I would chose him again. I mean marriage means making the decision every morning to stick it out and make it work. However, I must admit, hear me out, that I want to know that if tomorrow I decided to leave I would not end up alone. I don't want to pick DH by default.

Some of it comes with age too. We've been married 11 years. When we got married I know I was choosing DH over other guys. There were other dudes that had expressed interest but I wanted DH and truth be told DH was and is the best choice. He has said that I am not his default. There are other options and he chooses me, daily. I know there are plenty of women who would jump in my place. I mean without DH even looking twice, we've had women stalking him. Women are nuts, oh and stay the fuck off of my man!

But back to the point, feeling attractive is about knowing you have options. Lets be honest, I know DH wants me. I know DH would love to do me all day long everyday. I have no doubts that I was and am chosen from the cream of the crop. I want to know that I am doing the same thing. I want to know that I am choosing this and not just settling. Maybe that makes me a bitch or at my core a cheater or whatever you want to call me. I want to know that I am going home with my number one choice not with the only boy that asked.

I am not speaking for anyone but me. I just know that there are days that I feel like I am beautiful and that I am the most beautiful girl in the place and I am going home with the most handsome guy in the room. There are other days that I feel like the most handsome man in the room is pitying me and taking me home for the night. I never said I was sane. I am just putting it out there. Conclusion? I don't have one.

State of the Union - Wheatless Mama & DH edition

So every year the president of the US gives a State of the Union Address. In our house we do something similar only more frequently. There are times in each marriage that you need to check in with each other. I mean at times that you are not mad or on a happy we just fell back in love time. Just a neutral and honest conversation. About once a month, usually while watching TV, DH and I will have a state of the union talk. How are you? Where are we? Anything we need to work on? Anything I need to work on?

So what is the purpose of this? Well to be honest it just talk time. DH and I are talkers. We talk all of the time, to each other. Honestly there is no one else I would rather talk to than DH. Also it's good to see what the other one is thinking. We are not always in a happy patch, personally and therefore not in our marriage. We feel like only talking when things are at extreme ends, good or bad, makes it difficult to know where we really are with each other.

I mean when I am mad I bring up everything under the sun. Remember when back in high school I caught you talking to that bitch Heather, well . . . You can see that would go nowhere quick! Equally post awesome sex is not the right time either then it's all sunshine and happiness. Remember when Ravebaby was born and we were so happy and . . . Again not very productive.

I think these talks are so important to us because we have had some rough patches. About a year ago we were as close to calling it quits as we had ever been. To be honest I was about a week from grabbing Jailbait and just cheating to purposely blow up my marriage. When I am unhappy I have a mean self-destruct mode. It takes talking it out to bring me back from the edge. So instead of blowing up my marriage I blew up my career. Best decision I could have ever made! So much happier now and back in that I love my husband phase of life. How long will it last? Who really knows?

I mean we have to work at it and as the best piece of marriage advice I ever heard was just don't fall out of love at the same time. Forever is a long time. Yes other people will be attractive. Yes there will be times it would be easier to quit or to cheat but our vows said for better or worse. Luckily nothing last forever, so good times come and go but that is also true for the bad times. If it is bad now, just hold on and it will get better. Honestly, I have fallen out of love and back in love about 4 times in 11 years, not bad, I think. Each time I remember why I fell for DH in the first place. I love his humor, his ability to read people, his smile and yes his body. He is my Dear Husband (DH) and for better or worse he is suck with this bag of crazy.

So the state of this union is strong. The state of this union is moving forward. The state of this union prefectly wheatless :)

Below is a picture of DH:

Unworthy

So I feel unworthy. I do not feel worthless. To feel worthless, I think means to feel like you are ignored or unseen. I do not feel ignored or unseen. To say I feel unworthy, I mean I feel unworthy of compliments, gifts, sometimes even love. I always feel worthy of criticism, insults and judgement.

DH says I am always ready to see the worst of me. I am never good enough. I am never smart enough. I am never pretty enough. I am never nice enough. I don't speak up enough. I always feel as if I fall short.

I do agree that I never take a compliment well. I always roll them off my back comeback with an insult or attack on myself. Compliments always feel like a setup for the real thought which is always an insult (in my mind). As Dr. Phil says when you say but take everything said before the but and throw it out, the real meaning is everything after. I am always waiting on the but. You are pretty but. . . You are such a hard worker but. . .

Yet on the other hand, if you start with the criticism I only hear the criticism not the compliment after. I am truly more comfortable hearing how horrible I am. If you tell me I am such a bitch. I have no problem with that. I might even chime in with examples. Like tearing me down is easy. I am just so comfortable in that.

I am not looking for compliments. I hear all of time that I am hard to figure out. I just don't think I am. At heart I feel unworthy of good stuff. At heart I feel like I am horrible person. There are good people. There are people who deserve good things. I am not one of them.

If anything, I am asking for compassion for my husband. Poor man. I don't think I really understand how hard this is for him. He wants to know that his love makes me feel good and it does. I do feel his love. I trust in his love. I just don't feel like I deserve it. I feel like he can do better. I feel like he deserves better. I am trying. I am more positive about me these days verses say pre-Ravebaby but I want to see the good in myself before I see the bad. I mean I can't be as bad as Hitler, right. Surely people don't lump me with Stalin. I am no Mother Teresa or Princess Di. I am just doing what I can. For better or worse, I am me. My inner voice leaves a lot to be desired. I really wish my inner bitch would go away.

So if you are wondering what I am think, it is probably me just think about where I fall short. Today, I feel fat because I am fat. Today I feel stupid because I used the wrong your, you're. Today I feel unworthy because I said something someone didn't want to hear. I am comparing myself to someone and I am falling short.

I do appreciate your kind words. I know it is hard to say something nice to someone you know will throw them back in your face. I love getting stuff but I can't help to think that the money could have/should have gone to better use or on a better person. I am trying. Just takes a long time to look in the mirror and see something different.

Never dream big enough

Yesterday was the Groom's wedding. We had many trials and tribulations watching the Groom's face as he caught sight of his lady walking down the aisle made it all worth it. The joy and absolute happiness on his face really did make it worth the trip.

Without talking too much about the past, I will say that yesterday was the best I had ever seen the Groom look. When I first met him 9 years ago, he was so fragile looking. Yesterday, I saw a man who was happy and healthy and ready for a life full of anything that can be thrown at him. Truly the Lady has been good for him. They make each other shine.

There were several times that I fought back tears. The Groom's vows made me and most of the crowd cry. The blending of sand to symbolize the blending of the family was also a tear jerker. I saw several people crying during the first dance. The moment that got to me and I mean I was crying hard was watching the Groom dance with his youngest "step"-daughter. I was struck by the sweetness and joy of that moment. I was also struck by the thought that I had dreamed too small for the Groom. In my prayers, I prayed for God to put the right woman in the Grooms path. I remember saying God please send this man a wife. He is such great guy and he deserves to be happy. When Briana and I would talk about the Groom we always talked about how he needed a good wife. We focused on a wife for him. I think DH said it best, " What God sent him was a life.".

I wish you could see the Groom's changes. I wish there was a play the pictures of transition from my head. He was always a great guy. Really the type of friend that you wish every friend would be. Maybe that was really the problem, he was so busy caring for everybody else that he let himself slip through the cracks. Yesterday I saw a man who knew what to do to make himself happy. He grabbed his life, his future, and his happiness.

I am not sure when I'll see them again. I am not sure we'll ever make this trip again. I know that this ends the Danville chapter. I got here 9 years ago kicking and screaming and fought to leave until we finally moved back to Texas. I never dreamed of all of the things I got from the Danville adventure. I never dream big enough. I always want the minimum and yet God always provides to the maximum. Yesterday the Groom taught me that the surface isn't enough. We deserve the whole fullness of life. I asked for the Groom to get a Wife but God knew better and sent him a life.

Fantasy vs Reality: Brandon Flowers

So Saturday at the Standpipe was an odd day. They had no electricity. That meant no coffee :(. But they still had their musical act; they are awesome!

However that is not the point of this blog so hopping on to the point. Since there was down time I had the chance to sit and have a real conversation with Jailbait. How real? Debatable, I think I was more or less just clearing my mind and he was in the vicinity but like a good barista he listen enough to respond at the right time and I just kept talking. So on to the point, as part of this talk, I mentioned that I would leave DH for Brandon Flowers, lead singer of The Killers. It isn't a secret that for the last 4 years or so I've been singing The Killers' Sam's Town Album. So it only makes sense that the lead singer would earn a special spot in my heart.

Later on I was sitting with DH recounting my semi-conversation. As part of this conversation I starting thinking about the actuality of leaving DH for Brandon Flowers. It wouldn't be easy. In my mind's fantasy, it would be like a movie. I would be at a concert and we would lock eyes and then fade out with 'Bones' playing in the background. You never see the end. The messy reality is always hidden in the credits. So again more or less just thinking out loud, I started talking out the messiness of such a move. Here is my list of issues:

1. Brandon is married and so am I. Number 1 saying in my book: If you can steal him then he can be stolen. There would never be trust.

2. Brandon is Mormon and I am Catholic. Talk about a never ending fight.

3. The kids. I forget how many he has and of course I have Ravebaby. Trying blending that together. I can also image how nasty the custody fight with DH would get.

4. Again Brandon is Mormon and I'm Mexican. As far as I know race mixing is very taboo in the Mormon church. This would cause him to have internal strife ensuring he would treat me like shit but also providing much inspiration for fantastic music. I lose but you would win :)

5. I would have left my DH and that would cause me internal strife. I'm not artist but you would get lots of blog posts! That might up my traffic. People love a good car crash and to hear about the real lives of stars. This could be a win for everyone!

I'm sure the list could go on. I might turn this into a regular blogging feature. Fantasy vs Reality - X star. Could be fun. Anyway, if you made it to the end of this post sorry for bringing a dose of reality to the end of the romantic movie. The grass maybe greener but you never see the water bill; as good friend of mine says. File this under random thoughts. So who would you leave your partner for?

I'm a chess groupie

So Saturday I watched DH beat someone (Jailbait [JB]) at chess.  It was the first time I had ever seen him actually play the game.  DH has been playing chess since he was a kid.  He has tried several times over the years to teach me.  I've tried a few times to actually learn.  I can't seem to remember how the pieces move and worse yet I see nothing on the board.  Seriously, DH has described being able to just look at the board and see moves and set moves and other crap about moving pieces.  I see the squares and that is it.  No moves, no cool tricks not even how to lose quickly so I can quit playing.

Really I have no clue what is going on when it comes to chess.  Saturday's game has been a long time in coming.  JB always has his chess board and plays people at Standpipe all the time.  DH has been wanting to get back into playing chess but there never seemed to be a good time for them to go head-to-head that and Cameragirl (an old high-school friend) had warned DH off of playing.  She told us that JB was a shark.  It is also my understanding that chess takes a long time to play and Ravebaby doesn't like to sit for long periods.

Saturday we were downtown and Standpipe wasn't very busy so the battle was set.  DH said that JB is actually very good anyone else he would have beat in a few moves.  Again I know nothing so judge I cannot.  The game took about an hour but JB was working so between eating lunch and running around making lattes the battle raged.  Pieces traded back and forth.  Eyebrows furrowed.  Quips were traded.  At one point JB started rapping; it was my suggestion for distracting DH.  Near the end "Under pressure/Ice ice baby" was hummed.  Then a huge explosion of people wanting coffee and a Ravebaby in need of a nap.  DH did not finish JB off.  My bet guess is that DH did have the win since most young men insists on getting the kill and since JB just let DH walk off it must have been over in DH's favor.

It was amazing and yet a little weird that I found it such a turn on to watch the game.  Really seeing DH just using his wits and going for a kill.  DH and I are super competitive.  We are so competitive with each other that Connect Four is banned in our house. Games of Trivial Pursuit last hours and hours, neither one of us wants to give even an inch.  Neither one of us is competitive in physical feats.  DH has a bad back and knees and I'm just lazy but when it comes to using your brain.

As I said to DH, it's a good thing I never hung around chess tournaments and/or that DH is a good player since apparently I like to go home with the winner.  It's fun to find new aspects to our attraction to each other.  We've been a couple for 16 years but it never gets old.  I'm thinking there will be more chess games in our future.  I think I might learn to like the game after all.

50% of my life

So DH and I recently crossed a milestone of togetherness; we've been together as a couple for 50% of our lives.  So half of my life has been spent as part of this couple.  Pretty cool and it makes me think about how we spend our lives.  I mean in the grand scheme of things Audrey's babyhood was a blink of an eye.  This 2 year+ of breastfeeding are nothing.  I mean if I live to be 100 and then I would have spent like 4% of my life breastfeeding Audrey (if she weans by age 4).

Time has been on my mind.  I'm not that old, all of 32, but I don't want to be old one day looking back and going I waste x amount on my life hating my job or caring about what person x thought of me.  I'm in a good place.  I love what I do.  I love my family.  I am still madly in love with my husband.  Is my life prefect?  No but I'm happy.  Good days and bad days, I think all balance out to 75/25 when it's all said and done.  So 50% of my life has been with DH.  I guess from here on out everyday tills the balance to more DH than no DH.  Interesting.

10 years of wededness

Dec 28, 2001, I married DH. So we are celebrating 10 years of marriage. I think we have both worked our asses off when it comes to staying married. We both look at marriage as a job. Like any job, you have days that are wonderful and days that are off. Days were you can't believe you have the privilege of being with this person for the rest of your life and days were you can't believe you are giving this person the privilege of being with you for the rest of your life.

Marriage is marriage. We both have said that divorce is off the table. We will make it work or die trying. I find this mentally has worked very well for us. When times have been hard I don't look for the out; I don't toss out divorce to get my way. I know the bad times are not forever. If we work at it the good times will come back around.

I think the best advice on marriage I ever got was to "move away from home and learn to cling to each other."  I've heard it from couples who's marriages/relationships didn't make it. "We just did learn to depend on one another. We always turned to other people first.". So DH and I moved to Virginia in July of 2003. It was the best decision we ever made! I had to trust that DH had my back because I had no one else. We became a family. I know that if we hadn't have made that move we would have been divorced a long time ago. So even though we are back in Texas and back with family, we know that our first family is now each other.  Home is where we are and family is us.

Senior Prom '97

So today I celebrate 10 years of marriage.   They have been everything DH promised they would be: good/bad, sickness/health, rich(relatively speaking)/poor, funny/sad and so much more than I could have or would have thought.  The gift of our Audrey 2 years ago and the addition of Snoopy and Jasmin 3 years before that just added to the love in our family.   I think we both would like to expand the family with a few more children but we're learning to let God be in control and just enjoy the ride.

So to DH:  I love you.  I thank you for everything.  We've gone from 16-year-olds with nothing but dreams to 33-year-olds with a real family of our own.  I know we don't always see eye to eye but as long as you're willing to work at it I'm willing too.  I promise you I'm more stubborn and will always win at the "willing to work at it" game.  We celebrate 10 years of marriage but I hope that when we are looking back from our 50th that we'll see just how stupid and childish our views of ourselves were and how we have finally grown-up.  I look forward to many more years of dancing and singing and in general embarrassing of Audrey.  I pray that God blesses us with more children.  I can't wait to see the things that God has in store for us.  Love you always, Martha