Sunday, January 20, 2013

Unworthy

So I feel unworthy. I do not feel worthless. To feel worthless, I think means to feel like you are ignored or unseen. I do not feel ignored or unseen. To say I feel unworthy, I mean I feel unworthy of compliments, gifts, sometimes even love. I always feel worthy of criticism, insults and judgement.

DH says I am always ready to see the worst of me. I am never good enough. I am never smart enough. I am never pretty enough. I am never nice enough. I don't speak up enough. I always feel as if I fall short.

I do agree that I never take a compliment well. I always roll them off my back comeback with an insult or attack on myself. Compliments always feel like a setup for the real thought which is always an insult (in my mind). As Dr. Phil says when you say but take everything said before the but and throw it out, the real meaning is everything after. I am always waiting on the but. You are pretty but. . . You are such a hard worker but. . .

Yet on the other hand, if you start with the criticism I only hear the criticism not the compliment after. I am truly more comfortable hearing how horrible I am. If you tell me I am such a bitch. I have no problem with that. I might even chime in with examples. Like tearing me down is easy. I am just so comfortable in that.

I am not looking for compliments. I hear all of time that I am hard to figure out. I just don't think I am. At heart I feel unworthy of good stuff. At heart I feel like I am horrible person. There are good people. There are people who deserve good things. I am not one of them.

If anything, I am asking for compassion for my husband. Poor man. I don't think I really understand how hard this is for him. He wants to know that his love makes me feel good and it does. I do feel his love. I trust in his love. I just don't feel like I deserve it. I feel like he can do better. I feel like he deserves better. I am trying. I am more positive about me these days verses say pre-Ravebaby but I want to see the good in myself before I see the bad. I mean I can't be as bad as Hitler, right. Surely people don't lump me with Stalin. I am no Mother Teresa or Princess Di. I am just doing what I can. For better or worse, I am me. My inner voice leaves a lot to be desired. I really wish my inner bitch would go away.

So if you are wondering what I am think, it is probably me just think about where I fall short. Today, I feel fat because I am fat. Today I feel stupid because I used the wrong your, you're. Today I feel unworthy because I said something someone didn't want to hear. I am comparing myself to someone and I am falling short.

I do appreciate your kind words. I know it is hard to say something nice to someone you know will throw them back in your face. I love getting stuff but I can't help to think that the money could have/should have gone to better use or on a better person. I am trying. Just takes a long time to look in the mirror and see something different.