Monday, August 30, 2010


One of things I'm learning about motherhood is that it can be very isolating.  If your friends are living the sex and city life then they don't really have time for talks on birthing/breastfeeding/or baby poop.  I don't blame them one bit.  But I am also finding that I can find new moms to connect with too.  I have about 5 blogs I read faithfully.  They are blogs from moms that are just doing the best they can and sharing their experiences along the way.  I had also found a wonderful group in Greensboro called Triad Tot Toters that was amazing but now that we living in Texas, I'm back to being by myself again. :(

This weekend I was finally able to go see my bestest friends in the whole world.  One has been my BFF since 7th grade, so like almost 20 years!  The other has been a BFF since college so only about 10 years.  They finally got to meet Audrey and Miss Audrey of course charmed them.  It was fun to talk to the girls about their lives, see their new homes, share how my life has changed in the time since I saw them last.  We laughted, we cried, we shared and we made promises to see each other real soon.  I can't wait to see them again. 

I miss having people I can just go out with.  I think you can see a theme for me, loniness.  I wish the girls lived closer, they are both still about 5 hours away.  I take a weekend and go down there but I still wish I could just show up and go and have a fun girls night and then sleep in my own bed.  Just plan a last minute nail appointment or something simple like just picking them up and head to the movies. 

Does that life even exist for me anymore?  Now I have to make sure that someone can watch Audrey.  No more just running off.  While I miss the girlfriends, I think my trade off for Audrey has been worth it.  Maybe I can't just jet off to Paris but to be honest I never did before so why would I now?  I think I really need to just get a new cell phone with unlimited text and email so my girls and I can keep in better contact.  We have all gotten so busy we can't even find time to talk.  But I think the occasional, "You're awesome" text might be kinda nice.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Fever dreams

Audrey was released from the hospital yesterday.  We finally saw her pedi after she ran a fever for 3 days straight.  Her highest was 104.6 but the pedi's answering service recommended just staying home and giving Tylenol.  When we finally saw the doc, she sent us straight to the hospital.  It was a bit scary.  She was talking about spinal taps and how we should have been to the emergency room.
The doc ordered so many tests and procedures.  Honestly it was very difficult to watch them hurt my baby to try to make her better.  I know I should be happy that Audrey is better but I really wonder how much was really necessary.  As I write I'm listening to her breath and think she might be wheezing a little but I'm too scared of the doctor to really considering going just a for quick follow up.  We need a new doctor for Audrey.
We have talked to several people in the area and we get the same thing, well all the doctors around here are the same, they all suck.  Surely that can't be true.  There has to be one decent doctor in the Lufkin, Tx area!  I hope. 

Thursday, August 19, 2010


Today's topic at La Leche League meeting was weaning.  We wrote weaning stories for our children.  Some from experience, some of us for the future and others with stars in their eyes and babies in their bellies.  They were beautiful and touching.  You could hear the pain in the stories.  The acceptance of letting their children grown up and ending the breastfeeding relationship.

I dread the idea of weaning Audrey.  I love breastfeeding her.  The closeness and bond we share.  The private mommy and baby time that no one else can ever have with her.  I'm hoping we'll make it to 2 year for Audrey.  DH and I have talked about trying to have another baby after Audrey turns one, which would mean tandum (sp?) feeding and bfing during pregnancy, two things I had never thought about doing.  Feed two babies at one time when they are different ages the thought had never crossed my mind.  I had always thought breastfeeding during pregnancy was dangerous.  So many things to think about! 

For now Audrey and I are dealing with thrush.  I hate thrush.  I honestly think it hurts worse than childbirth!  so we'll continue treating with Grapefruit Seed Extract.  It is clearing up just not gone all the way.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Birth stories vs Baby Stories

Ever since B died a few weeks back I've been thinking alot about something she said to me.  We were talking about where to give birth.  I was about 8 months and she was maybe 2 months along.  I was going the whole home birth route and just in general talking about how I had changed doctors out of the practice she was using because the doc I met with just didn't jive with me and I didn't want to go to the local hospital.  It had a high maternal death rate, high c-section rate, and high infant morality rate (not sure offically but I had heard enough around town).  B said, "I won't get the birth I want but as long as I get a healthy baby."

Her words haunt me.  She got a healthy baby, after Baby J's week in the NICU.  But she didn't make it home.  I'm sure B would thought the trade off was ok.  I'm sure I would have been happy with the trade off too.  If I had died by Audrey was a health baby, well then I had done my duty. 

I read alot of homebirth forums and blogs.  One time a person made the comment on one of the forums, "Women are going to die.  Not everyone will survive birth.  Whether at home or at the hospital, women are going to die.  It is just a part of birth that not all of us will make it."  I remember reading that thinking how true, we don't all survive birth.  Funny, I read it, I understood it but I still didn't think it would happen to me.  My sister-in-law nearly died in childbirth about a 7 months before Audrey was born, I figure that would be a close as anyone I knew would get to dying in childbirth.

I'm second guessing decisions that had nothing to do with me.  I wonder if B would still be alive if she had been at home under the care of a midwife?  Did the hospital kill her or was it just her time?  Women die during childbirth, it is a fact.  The hospital pushes c-sections to save babies and moms but sometimes they still die.  You can have a natural childbirth and still die.  It is just a matter of luck or your time being up.  I have to admit I had a level of survivors guilt.  I had my baby at home with a midwife.  My water had been broken for 60 hours before Audrey was finally born.  In some people's minds I deserved to die from complications, I did all the wrong things.  B did everything right, she went in for an induction at 41 weeks, just like a good patient.  She agreed to the c-section when the doc said the baby was in distress, Baby J needed CPR as soon as she was born and then a week in the NICU so the doc was right.  But was the induction the cause of everything?  What if they had just let Baby J have one more week?  Having a baby at 42 weeks use to be normal now it's late.  It's hard to see normal in a hospital.  I made the decisions that were right for me.  B made the decisions that were right for her.  We both met our goal, a healthy baby.  But did we get the same outcome? 

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Warning there will be boob . . .

I know it's not Wednesday but with DH laid up due to a stress fracture and of course being the mother of a 7-month-old I never got to the computer to post my World Breastfeeding Week pics.
There were taken just before we moved from VA to TX so Miss Audrey was about 6 months old.

You can see just how active Audrey is while she eats now.  Kicking, grabbing, sometimes biting.  It is an adventure!  

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

World Breastfeeding Week

Just want to wish everyone a Happy World Breastfeeding Week! Just a week to celebrate breastfeeding and to encourage woman, who can, to breastfeed.

Facebook was a buzz about Giselle Bunchen (I think that's how you spell it) wanted there to be a law requiring all women in the world to breastfeed for at least 6 months.  I stopped to think about it.  It sounds good.  Yes I want all babies to be breastfeed, if not by their own mom's then at least with donor breastmilk.  It's the best thing for them and it's nature's food for babies but it doesn't take into account that sometimes things happen.  I'm not pro-formula.  But I know there are mom who have to use it.  Whether it be by choice or circumstance, sometimes a baby will not get to breastfeed.  Sometimes it's baby that has an issue which won't allow for breastfeeding.

I think Best for Babes makes a very good point about there being booby traps.  Our American world is not set up for breastfeeding success.  Many of us moms have to work outside the home and work places are not always ready or willing to help with pumping.  Good pumps are expensive and the bad ones which are cheap won't do for a long-term commitment to breastfeeding.  It seems that for every doctor that is pro-BF, there are many more that don't understand the basics and get down right negative about BFing.  Many of us are just set up to fail.  So how can we call for a law when so many have real obstacles in their way.

I love breastfeeding Audrey.  It's our special time.  Especially now that she's all over that place, I loving having those breaks in her day that are just for us.  No else can help.  No one else can do it.  It's the two of us.  I feel for woman who can't/won't/weren't supported or baby couldn't.  Even now as I see my daughter growing and eating more food and drinking less BM, I'm alittle sad.  I don't want her to wean.  I kinda of want to take away all solids and make her my newborn again.  I am glad that we have been able to breastfeed for these 7 months and God willing we'll make it until she's 2. 

Rather than barring formula, let's work to make breastfeeding the norm again.  Rather than making laws, lets live our lives as breastfeeding mothers and show people that we can live like normal people and still breastfeed.  Breast isn't best, Breast is normal.
(Please forgive the typos.)