Music is life so when . . .

Music is life so when a friendship ends, the soundtrack of that friendship leaves me with songs I can't listen to for a while.  The fresh ending of what I thought was a friendship but since I can be so easily removed tells me that I was probably closer to a therapist than a friend means I have a whole new list of songs that hurt to listen to.  While the wound on my soul is no longer bleeding, it is not yet a scar so listening to certain songs is akin to picking the scab off a cut.

If you actually know me then you have heard me sing.  Choirs, band, concerts and any variation there in will illicit singing from me.  If you have heard me sing a made-up on the spot song then you are part of my inner circle or witnessed one of the few times I was comfortable enough to just sing whatever.  Catch me in at the right time and you can hear me singing about inventory, shelf shifting, making bread, walking down the hallway, or whatever the hell I'm doing to whatever tune comes to mind.  The point is music is life.

So with music basically being my love language, people get a song assigned to them in my mind.  I lierally created a presentation for one of my doctoral classes where I took pictures of my cohort members with songs that remind me of them; I got a good grade.  I think there are 2 songs that really capture what I'm trying to say: Trisha Yearwood's The Song Remembers When and Neon Tree's Songs I Can't Listen To.  Moments and people cemented with sing.  (Both great songs so go give them a listen.) The concert we went to.  The concerts we played.  The song that we sung while driving down the road.  The song that was playing when we were skating, running, walking, laughing. Songs now prune-y in sorrow and tears, sometimes metaphorical and sometimes literal.  

It isn't your fault I can't listen to them.  Honestly by in large, it isn't your fault my heart is broken.  I know I'll heal and I'll be able to listen to them again and smile at the memories. I'm not there yet.

One day, like the other day when That's Not My Name came on, I'll smile and sing at the top of my lungs and whoever is with me will hear me say "Hey, that songs always reminds me of so and so."  That's Not My Name no longer belongs to Soul Sister.  I have claimed it back and now it belongs to me and my memories of learning to play it and performing it.  The song helps me smile when I think back on those days but it did take years.  

I know the songs will be mine again.  The muzak version will no longer stop me and feel like a gut punch.  I know healing is around the corner but I'm not there yet.

Fucking Birthdays and celebrations or lack thereof

 It is approximately 15 days since my 44th birthday.  Not a single one of my "friends" has mentioned anything about maybe going to dinner to celebrate or a special non-Sunday run (we have a set Sunday 5K), or hell just a quick coffee  Nothing.  I got 2 text messages and 2 facebook birthday wall messages.  Now I got more than that but I'm thinking of the people that I make and effort to see each week.  The ones that when some shit goes down I hear about it.

I admit, I'm salty about it though less salty after 14 days.  My saltiness started a bit before my birthday and really it started as hurt.  Just geniunly upset about the lack of friends in my life that share their joy with me.  I get to always hear their bad stuff.  I understand I am a magnet for sadness.  This is something that is a recurring theme in my life.  Total strangers find me lay their burders down on me and walk off.  

However, in the last couple of months, all of these "friends" of mine have been posting their fun with their actual friends after I had spend hours cleaning them up.  I listen to their sadness and then suddenly they are out partying with other people.  I'm tired of being used as a dumping ground for their sadness while being excluded from their joy. 

I get the bad shit and everyone else gets the good shit.  I listen to you crying but everyone else gets your laughter.  You will literally plan someone else's birthday party infront of me, while telling me you would never take me out to dinner because you don't go out and do birthday stuff.  Like, why do I speak to these people?  We have tentative plans for my birthday and then you dissappear on a girls' trip without saying anything like plans with me for my birthday aren't shit.  I don't matter to you so why am I constantly dropping other people who want to be my friends for these shitheads?

Basically I'm not.  I haven't spoken to any of them since the run immediately after my birthday where one planned someone else's birthday party.  None of them showed up for my daughter's 1st superfight.  I had a co-worked from Wiley show up.  Another co-worker/friend from Wiley sent a message that they couldn't make it because they had another obligation and they were sorry.  These "friends" of mine all pretended like nothing was going on.  No, sorry I can't make it.  No, I'm out of town but.  Nothing.  

I'm working through the hurt and avoiding basically everyone because I know when I'm hurt I get toxic on everyone.  I am challenging myself to cultivate other friendships.  Like, I have people who are out of town who have sent money to my child for training, bought raffle ticktets, have come out to see her fight at an out of town event but the 3 people I though were like besties can't be bother.  

I deserve to be celebrated.  I deserve to the right to turn down a party.  I actually have an acquaintance ask if she needed to throw me a party because it's not like I have been quite about this bothering me.  I asked her not to because I knew nobody would show up.  Like, how sad is it when you know that the people you call best friends would not bother to show to a party that all they had to do was show up to?  While they fucking go to everyone else's fucking parties!  Like change all of their plans to party with people they have told you aren't as good as friend as I am.  

Since it is more than one person, I know it's me.  I'm the problem; it's me.  So I'm just not speaking to anyone.  I got a lot more miles to run before I'm fit to be around people again.  I will eventually speak to those people again because I do actually love them; they just hurt me deeply and for now I just can't.

What is a friend?

 So this is a theme for me especially since I moved back to Texas in 2009.  What does it mean to be a friend?  What does is mean to have a friend?

Honestly at the age of almost 44, I still don't really know.  I feel like I have never really used that concept correctly.  If you had asked me today how many friends do I have, my answer would be zero.  But I know that isn't true.  

Here is the thing, like what really makes someone your friend?  I have a friend who lives in California.  I love her.  She truly treats my girls like they are her nieces.  She calls to check on me.  But there is a physical distance that keeps us apart.

I like to think I have local friends but this is the rub, if I can go weeks without seeing them, weeks without them reaching out, never get invited to anything outside of the box I fill, are they my friends?  Maybe what I have are close acquaintances.  On top of that is the feeling of being unthether because I changed jobs in October.  So all of my work friends are gone.  My current space feels at times really hostile and at other times really inviting.  I really feel unbalanced.

Now back to the friendship thing.  I know the problem is me.  Like I have no doubt I'm the issue so if you consider yourself my friend and are really this, it isn't you, it really is me.  Why do I feel so alone and disconnected?  What does the fact that I have people I only see to work out with or people who use me as soundboard mean?  

I do not know the friends of my friends.  I do not get invited to anything outside of running/working-out or to listen to someone's issues.  I don't get invited to parties.  No one mentions going to events together as a group.  I do hear about all of the cool things after but there is not invitation to actually join.  I don't want to be in spaces where I'm not invited.  Again, a me issue.  I don't want to be told well you can come if you want.  Or worse yet, well it is open to everyone so you know you can just show up.  That is not a fucking invitation.  That is your space and if you wanted me there then you would say that, right?

I'm rambling but I'm struggling.  I haven't seen what I thought of as a friendly-face outside of my family and work in 3 weeks.  No telling when if I'll ever see anyone again unless I go begging people for their time.  I hate begging.  I hate having to reach out especially when I'm feeling so raw.

Bittersweet: Cherry Bomb

Recently a friend asked to borrow my copy of Atlas Of The Heart, figuring I would have a copy as a devoted reader of all things Brene Brown.  I, of course, have a physical copy and an audio version.  As I pull out my copy of Atlas,  I started to wonder where my other copies of my Brene books where.  Most I own the audio version so those were easy to locate in my Audible account but one book was noticeably missing:  Braving The Wilderness.  I immediately used my September credit to buy it.  As I drove home today, I started the book.  The theme of the book: true belonging.  I'll spare you my watered down version of her point. UT you at least needed the setup for what happened next.

I stopped the book at Chp 3.  I needed time to digest the 2 chapters I had just heard and needed some music to help soothe my mind.  What should happen to play: Cherrybomb by The Runaways.  Great song but one of the most bittersweet songs in my world.  Why?

Cherrybomb was the first song Sould Sister ad I ever choose for our band.  We were at a function, on opposite sides of the room when the dj played this song.  It was like kismet, we both instinctively went to find the other to say this song is for us.  It wasn't our best song but it was a song that made me feel like a real bass player.  The last time we performed it, at Punk Rock Prom, right before our friendship and then our band imploded, I felt my hottest, series, coolest self ever.

It is bittersweet because I don't believe I'll ever have that feeling again.  The trifecta I always want but always fall short of achieving. The bestie band mate that gave me cool by proxy is what I miss most of all.  The sense of belonging to a band but most of all to myself.

When the song finished I cried.  Grieving the loss of Soul Sister all over again but really grieving how I felt that last performance. Yes, I am hot, at times, and sexy , at times, but never cool.  Today I'm a tired mother of 2 trying to find my way as an academic librarian. I feel miles away from the woman who performed at the Punk Rock Prom.

This past weekend, I played bass with someone. It was the first time I played with another person in 8 years.  I'm rusty.  I struggled. Honestly, it felt pretty crappy.  He wanted to yell out notes but I know bass tabs.  I struggled to understand what was being asked of me.  It was like starting all over again.  I hated it.  I hated him.  I hated the shame I felt.  I put my bass away feeling like a failure.

You would think this was a negative experience but it was the fresh start my bass and I needed.  I can't go back to Punk Rock Prom.  I'm beginning all over again.  I have an opportunity to make new memories with music.  After 8 years, I don't want the old me.  I want this me to play bass, badly especially at first.  I doubt I will ever play bass in public again but I can relearn the bass cleft again and not freeze when someone says play an "E".  I can play Cherrybomb with new people and smile at the memories of that old me, not today, not yet, but I am well on my way.

When your heart still misses your soulsister

So today I was scrolling Facebook, taking a mental break between tasks and I saw a post about Bikini Kill reuniting for a tour.  Now I'm not a huge Bikini Kill fan and I never claimed to be so don't start with the hold poser bs.  But I do love Kathleen Hanna and my former bestie soulsister loved them.  We bonded over Kathleen's bio movie back on one of my birthdays.

So back to the post.  So I saw the post and my 1st thought was "Oh yeah, I can't wait to tell Soulsister and even take SwornEnemy." Now obvious I used their real names in my mind but I don't do that here.  Then I was hit with a wave of sadness.  The quick stab of "they don't speak to you anymore." It was not until that moment that I remembered they were gone out of my life.  Like I knew it but for half a second, I didn't, if that makes sense.

Soulsister has been on my mind off and on for the last year anyway.  Something about 2018 being so crappy and lonely that made me really long for the days when I had a person.  For upwards of two years Soulsister was the one person who cheered me on and literally the only person who congratulated me when I got the news I got into my doctoral program.  A fellow introvert and wife of a recovering alcoholic, she knew me in and out.  I like to think that maybe we could be friends again later on but who knows.

The point is that I guess despite my best efforts to forgot people, I knew do.  I pray for them.  Think about them.  Have wonderful conversations with a version of them that lives in my mind.  (We introverts have lots of "conversations that we will never actually have.)  So Bikini Kill is having a reunion tour, maybe DH will go with me.

Friendscorts

Several years back I was talking with someone at the coffeeshop about needing to make some money but I'm too chunky to make any money as a hooker.  This person then told me that I would make an excellent escort.  According to him, the men who call escorts are generally lonely and looking for companionship not sex.  The guys after sex go to streetwalkers.  Escorts provide the girlfriend experience and that with my personality I would be perfect for that.  "All you have to do is talk, maybe shake your titties a little bit and come home with money."

Well I feel like I learned a lot in that conversation.  One that streetwalkers don't need to talk and two that my listening skills might in fact be profitable.  If you are a long time reader then you know that I'm a shy introvert with an energy that calls the hurting.  DH say I draw in the crazies.  I hate calling strangers crazies but they do tend to tell me all of their dark secrets so maybe crazy is the right name for them.  I tend to try to hide in a corner (everybody puts Martha in a corner) and yet somehow I will end up listening to the deep dark secrets of random strangers.  But that is the topic of many other blog posts back to this one.

So all of that to get to Friendscorts.  I was recently rewatching Pushing Daisies and I rediscovered the "Frescorts" episode.  Basically, the episode is centered around a rent-a-friend business.  I really like the idea.  I'm in a friendless era at the moment (okay I have friends they just all live 4+ hours away or are so busy being winner that I can't get facetime with them) and you can't make friends by staying in your house but I'm so shy I can't make myself go out by myself.  Well, I'm actually okay going to do something by myself but I'm not going to be out and about in a way that means I meet people.  I go to things like the movies or skating or running.  Basically, if I leave the house I'm doing so while actively avoiding meeting people.  With a "friend" I feel more open to meeting people.  Basically I need a friendscort so I can attempt to make friends.

If  I know I'm meeting someone then I go into places/events with a mind to meeting and talking to strangers.  People like to talk to me but I have to be in the right mindset to actually talk to them.  If I'm paying someone to hang out with me then I know they will show up.  No lame excuses or running so late I'm on my way back home and have to turn around.  If I'm paying then I expect you to be on time.  When would I call a friendscort?  These would be last minute calls.  I'm bored and have a free hour, time to call the Rent-A-Friend and go for a run.  I'm feeling sad and want to go dancing - call Rent-A-Friend!  I don't want people to mess with me while I am writing at the coffee shop, I need Rent-A-Friend! 

Friendship requires work and an investment of time.  Brene Brown writes about how important it is to respect people's time because it is our only personal non-renewable resource.  Time is something that is limited for all of us.  Because I'm shy and an introvert, I don't always have the energy for people at the right time.  I want to leave the house and go dancing, skating, running, rock climbing, drink coffee, have pizza, or go bar hopping but everyone I know locally and elsewhere is busy and working their asses off.  I don't have any loser friends that I can call at the last minute to do something.  The people I know require plans, dates, and appointments.  I don't think there is anything worse than forcing myself to go out on a planned date when I just want to sit and read.  Actually that's not true, it is worse to be sitting at home wishing someone would invite me to something at the last minute and instead spiralling into shame that I'm such an awful human being that no one even thinks to invite me to things. 

I need a Rent-A-Friend.  No long term commitments or investments just someone to hang with.  It sounds so easy.  Unlike real friends, with a Rent-A-Friend I know I have a "friend" for as long as I pay for.  No one telling me I suck because I cancel plans or I'm too mean or I don't have enough good points to make up for my bad ones.  The expectations are known and met.  The Rent-A-Friend contract spelled out clearly.  No expectations for band practice later, no feeling guilty for not attending some party the next day.  Rent-A-Friend is here and now.  Tomorrow is a different person, a different mood, a blank slate.  Okay, there is also no real connection, no real courage used, just empty conversation but sometimes you get to the point where an empty container still feel better than an empty hand.  The effect is the same but it does feel different.

You don't fight to keep people

I have been told in the past that I let people go too easily.  I don't fight to keep people in my life, personally or professionally.  I usually just let people vent that feeling towards me but I don't usually have a response.  What am I supposed to say?

Do I let people go?  Absolutely.  If someone wants to boot me from his/her life, should I really be fighting to stay in his/her life?  The one time I did explore this issue with Soul-sister, my explanation was this:

     If someone is a friend, I have declared them my friend, then I am obligated to 

respect that this person thinks their life would be better without me. 

 If someone says they want to leave, should I make it harder on

 them to leave?  That doesn't seem fair.  Cutting a friend out of 

your life is not an easy decision, why would I want to cause

 the person more pain by demanding they stay?  

I guess there is a part of me that feels that if I beg someone to stay and they still leave then I would hurt even more than just accepting their good-bye.  There is, of course, a part of me that believes I deserved to left by all of my friends, that I am too awful to deserve friends.  

I don't know.  Maybe I should fight.  Maybe I should make promises and compromises.  Give up me in order to keep them.  Here are some of the problems I have with those ideas:

1. If I make a promise, I plan to keep it.  Can I really change myself enough to keep the promises required?
2. Is someone who wants me to change, worth keeping in my life?  If they don't want me as I am, do they really want me at all?
3. If the road that brought us to this impasse in the first place comes up again, won't I just get dumped again?  Better to break it off now rather than later, no?

So anyways, I don't fight to keep people.  I will fight with people.  I will grow with people.  I'll learn from being left.

That does not mean that I don't feel the absence.  Even now losing Soul-sister hurts.  I run into former friends and it feels like I'm dying.  People who knew me.  I let them in.  They said you don't have enough good in you to keep you around.  People who were family who are now strangers.  People that I said "I love you" that now won't meet my eye.  It hurts.  I haven't heard from Soul-sister in about 4 years and even now I cry over the loss.   Did I let her go?  Yes.  Did I fight to keep her?  No.  Do I miss her?  Yes.  Can we ever reconcile?  I don't know.

There are times I describe being painted into a corner.  You make decisions that put you in a fight or flight position.  Once you lash out or leave, can you ever go back again?  Now that those "friends" have left can we ever find our way back to each other?  I guess only time will tell.  I know I have lost friends permanently so there is no chance to reconcile.  That makes me want to reach out.  Apologize.  Compromise.  Life is short and tomorrow is not promised.  Can I forgive the past?  Can I move past the pain?  Even if I can, would they be willing?  

I did reach out to Soul-sister when I finished my doctorate.  She was the most excited person when I started the program.  The response was cold.  It hurt to be dismissed but I respect that our lives simply do not intersect at this moment.  Maybe someday we'll run into each other in a coffee shop somewhere and the cold and pain will wash away and it will be like we were never apart.  Maybe . . .

Saying good-bye or saying see you later

Today makes 2 years that a friend from college passed away from colon cancer.  I have and have had many mixed feelings about it.  This was one of the first friendships that ended badly and it was an ending focused on me being dropped because I didn't fit in/ I didn't have enough good stuff to outweigh my bad.  Seems like a strong theme of my life - if I am me, me completely then no one wants to deal with me.  I write that but of course, DH would argue that can't be true since after over 20 years he is still with me.  I also have other friends who have been with me for years and years.

But I digress, back to the dead friend.  Before she passed, she asked me to visit her while I was in Baltimore working on my dissertation research.   At that point in our lives we were Facebook friends but not call each other have actual intimacy friends.  I didn't make the effort.  I made excuses.  Actually, she never followed up with me while I was in Baltimore so I decided it was an invitation made due to old memories and an actual want.  I feel guilty.  She was dying.  Within four months, she would be dead and I didn't bother to respond.  I couldn't have known.  I was selfish and still harboring feelings of hurt from almost 15 years previous.  I was an asshat plain and simple.

I am a bit melancholy today.  I am dealing with my dad's colon cancer.  We have a strong rotation of family through our house.  People wanting to see my dad, make sure they do it before things turn bad.  It is a good plan.  Almost 2 weeks ago, my dad was rushed into surgery for what turned out to be a 2nd cancerous tumor.  The wait, the anxiety, the fear of watching my dad be admitted to the hospital.  To watch a simple doctor's visit turn into surgery was scary and exhausting.  Our stay in Temple went from 2 nights to 5.  From budgeted to a budget buster.  From simple cancer diagnoses to cancer treatment.

Melancholy - it is a good word.  I am thinking and feeling rather than talking.  Staying silent usually makes the melancholy worse but the feeling that I can't talk to anyone traps me in a cycle of feeling sad, feeling lonely, being scared to reach out, so then I feel sad, I feel lonely, which makes me more scared to reach out and you know the cycle become a spiral of sadness and shame.

I am ashamed of how I treated my old friends.  I should have reached out.  Met the offer to meet with kindness and effort.  I didn't.  I can't change it.  I can learn from it.  I'm not learning very fast as I was again recently dropped for being an awful person.  Maybe one day, I'll meet an old friend who hurt me for coffee and I'll smile and it will be okay between us until then I'll work on keeping my eyes open to the opportunity.

Your bad doesn't outweigh your good

So Sunday night that is what I was told by someone who is now an ex-friend.  I guess you could argue that anyone that would say that to you was never actually your friend but I digress.  I think at the least this person was respectful enough, to be honest with me, right?  Instead of just ghosting out of my life, this person was able to get in a good stabbing and let me know how much I suck.

I am vacillating between wanting to be mad and wanting to be sad.  This person is absolutely right about me.  For their life at this moment, my bad outweighs my good.  That isn't necessarily a comment on me as a person in general; really it is about their own life and needs.  I can't really be a good friend if I demand someone put my want of their friendship above their own needs.  And still I was told that I suck and that hurts.  I'm sad because I did want this person in my life.  I thought we had a good friendly relationship. 

All of that being said, this person had a long list of faults too.  Did I make them a list as they were leaving?  Nope.  I wished them luck.  I help open the door and smiled as they left.  Maybe the problem was this person wanted me to beg.  Bargain with them to stay.  Maybe I should have.  I've had other people ask me why I don't fight to keep people in my life.  Maybe I'm afraid I would fail and end up looking like more of an ass.  Maybe it is that every time I have tried that the friendship ended worse than if I had just let them leave when they wanted. 

I could go and beg this person to be in my life.  On Monday, I got word that I was being asked to be interviewed for the Hollins alumna magazine.  This is a massive honor for me.  Hollins has some really amazing alumni and being included in the magazine is amazing.  After I told DH, I wanted to text this person and let them know.  I almost did anyway but then I remember they don't love me anymore.  They don't want to hear from me.  I'm a horrible addition to their life.  It hurt. 

I admit all of these feelings are not only about this one person.  Most of it goes back to 2 previous relationships that to this day I mourn.  It is those breakups that set me up for this one.  Instead of letting this person in completely and accepting what this person could give, I made them pay for not being what I needed.  This person would pull away and I would give space and then return and I would make them pay for their absence by being mean.  It was a nasty pattern that I couldn't see until it was over.  Now it's over.  I broke my own heart by not really being open.  What to do next?  Unclear but then life is a work in progress so let's see . . .

I'm vapid?

About a year there was an incident of all hell breaking loose around me.  The details are not for this blog since really it was about someone else but I say this because as part of the all hell breaking loose I got told I was vapid.  Now, I have to admit there are plenty of English words I don't know and this person found one of them, vapid.  I had no real clue to what it meant about me.  I knew it wasn't good.

In general, I am a shy person and I really struggle with small talk.  If I don't know anything about a subject, I will probably keep my mouth shut and listen.  I'm a big believer in learning from listening and using context clues to try and understand what is being shared.  Now that said if I feel like I actually know about some subject, like breastfeeding, being glutenfree/wheatfree, or education, I will jump in and talk your ear off.

After some research and a good deal of soul searching, I'm not sure that I'm vapid.  The person who said it was angry at the time and I'm pretty sure feeling under attack so this was the stone hurled.  Vapid - to contribute nothing or to lack a challenging aspect.  Maybe I'm still misunderstanding.

This concept was actually hurled at a group of us in describing our conversations with each other.  We were told we talk about nothing of interest.  All we talk about is babies, periods, sex and other stupid shit.  Vapid.  The ladies in question as well as myself I would argue are far from vapid.  Can we talk about nothing?  Absolutely.  For those of us raising kids and worrying the better part of the day about doing a good job educating our children, talking about nothing is actually kind of nice.  A conversation on which the fate of the world does not hinge is really really nice.  For a different subset of us, talking about nothing (small talk) with a group of friends is about practicing the art of small talk.  We are shy.  We don't speak to people unless we have something to say so a discussion about nothing is an honest to goodness exercise in being social.  Vapid.

I've heard mothers be called vapid.  Mothers add nothing to the conversation except talk about their kids.  I wrote a blog post about my Ravebaby many years ago stating that my child is my legacy, my ultimate research project, my eternal life experiment is motherhood.  I expect my husband to talk about his physics projects, I expect a barista to talk about coffee, I expect an artist to talk about art but yet when a mother talks about her kids, she has nothing to add to the real world.  Vapid.

Maybe my topics of conversation add nothing to your life.  Maybe you think I'm boring.  I probably think the same thing about you.  I have a four-year-old who sings Let It Go around the clock so it is possible I can't put a thought together without bring her into the conversation.  My bad!  Please tell me more about Socrates and how hard it was for you choose between hot outfit #1, #2 and #3.  I was just lucky to find something that was clean because I haven't been able to find time to do my own laundry in weeks.

I am in the process of earning a doctorate in educational leadership.  I have two Masters degrees.  You want to talk about the state of education?  You want to talk about librarianship and the real value of the community library?  What you only want to talk about theories and philosophies?  Good for you, but I'm about to tune out and yes Ravebaby's Let It Go will be ringing in my ears.  Vapid.

Maybe I am vapid, what the hell do I know? Ravebaby would say, "Vapid rhymes with Rapid!"  Yes dear those are rhyming words and can we please not watch Frozen again?  How about some Word Girl?

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50's mindset

I am a strong believer in being open with DH about any interactions I have with any man. He has all of my passwords, open access to my Facebook, twitter, and texts on my phone. Why? Well I was raised that my husband should be the only man with whom I have any level of intimacy. If I have a friendship with a man outside of DH and there is any part that is not completely open then I am fostering a relationship outside of my marriage and that makes me a cheater. DH should be my sole source of male companionship.

I have had guy friends outside of DH but they have never been anything that meant being allow with the dude or private conversations. The only exception to that is The Groom. We were really good friends. We rode to conferences together just the two of us and even hung out at my house without DH there. To some extent The Groom was more of a big brother. The night I was alone with The Groom at my house, DH had basically asked him to hang out with me while he went to fight for a Wii. DH trusted The Groom to keep me safe at a Hootie and the Blowfish concert. I did and do see The Groom as a big brother. However, we never talk on the phone, text or anything like that.

An incident that DH always brings up is the time Discgolfer sat with me at church. I was at the Sunday Spanish mass and Discgolfer did not speak much Spanish and just wanted to have someone to sit with so he came and sat with me. Well I am Mexican. This was a mass full of Mexicans. DH rarely goes to church with me so if a man were to sit with me at mass, the view is he must be my husband, right? Well I came home and told DH about the whole thing and about how it weirded me out and now everyone was going to think Discgolfer was my husband or that I was at church with my lover. Any number of things were just wrong with the whole thing. DH said I was nuts. He is a friend that did not want to sit by himself so he sat with me; end of story.

So you see the crazy 50s idea that I have. Even now Rockerwife and I talk it over all the time, we don't have relationships with men outside of our husbands. It just feels wrong. If we communicate with a man not our husband we immediately go and tell our husbands. We are overly open with any aspect of a relationship outside of our husbands. So I know it is not just me.

DH is calling bullshit and is forcing me out of this mode of thinking. I am under orders to text Archnemesis once a day. One because apparently Archnemesis thinks I hate him and two DH wants me to see that there is nothing wrong with a friendship with a man outside of my husband and that a relationship with a bit of emotional intimacy is actually a good thing. Honestly I am not buying it. I will send the texts since DH is asking me. I don't really understand what I can gain from a friendship with a man that I don't already have with say Rockerwife or Cameragirl?

We've all seen When Harry met Sally. Men and women cannot be friends without eventually having sex, right? My best guy friend was DH, I married him and we have lots of sex. Am I asking for trouble here? DH knows that I purposefully keep male friends at arms length but I go back to Harry and Sally. If I am sharing everything with this person, am I leaving it open to sharing EVERYTHING? I guess the really test is if I start to keep texts secret or have meeting with said man outside of DH's knowledge. I am not the sort of person who goes looking for trouble and while I understand DH's point, making connections is never a bad thing, I can't help but to slip back into the thought that men and women can not be friends without something sexual between them.

I will say that in DH's wisdom, I have been assigned to try this with Archnemesis, who is married to a lady that is fantastic. I mean if you read the blog about my "sexual fantasy" with him, you can tell there is zero chemistry there. So you can't go heating up an ice block and expect a fire. I mean he could have assigned me someone single and therefore open to moving into the realm of sexual. We'll see how is goes.

DH is a firm believer that all connections matter so he wants me to have connections with everyone. In his mind, I am sure, if I keep certain people at bay then I am closing myself off from everyone. If I am closed off to friendships with guys then maybe I am also closed off in part to him. If I am to be open then I need to be open. Yet for some reason, this brings to mind and image of Billy Crystal in bed with Meg Ryan. How open can we be with the opposite sex? If you are hurting and I know that sex would make you feel better, if only for a moment, would it make me a bad friend not to help? Recently on Nashville, we see exactly that. Oh no your brother is dead. You feel bad. I'll fuck you and you can forget and feel better if only for the moment you are inside of my vagina. She is being a good friend, right? I don't want to be that good a friend with anyone.

Maybe I am just a pervert. Maybe I am too old-fashion. Maybe I am just closed off. I don't want to be closed off. I want to be open but I am not sure I want to be emotionally available. I'll try it. I might like it. Maybe this will lead to a whole new level of relationship with DH. One thing I do know, it will make for great blogpost!

Tea weather

Today is wonderful weather for sittting outside and enjoying a cup of tea.  In the 2 years since we moved back to Texas i have become a coffee drinker.  Not sure why the big change.  I guess maybe the change in friends.  Days like today remind of the friends gone by.  Will they ever cross my path again?  Will i ever enjoy a mug of Earl Grey Lavender again or will it just be a memory?

Wordless Wednesday: Read with me

Ravebaby reading with a friend. To protect friend's identity, since you shouldn't post pics of other people's children, I'm using the pictures I took with Photo booth on my iPad. Still cute.